They don't talk about the night at the lighthouse often and with good reason. There's isn't much sense in dredging up such awful memories when they aren't so haunted by them anymore. Spencer still has nightmares sometimes but they're rarer, they come when he's got too much on his mind, and they're not always about Mark. Sometimes they're about his family, about losing them all over again and losing Joel and starting a family only to find that he's awful at it. Most recently, he'd had a nightmare that he was shelving books but the books talked back and begged Spencer to make sure they were sent to a good home. He'd woken up awfully perplexed by that one but the point is that he isn't plagued by the things that have caused him the most pain anymore. Being with Joel has helped bring him new memories, amazing memories that he wouldn't trade for anything, and he knows Joel would say Spencer doesn't have to thank him but that's where he and his husband disagree.
"I'm glad you didn't give up on me," he says, keeping his voice low but his eyes on Joel. He'll always be grateful that Joel had come back to him, had ended up back outside his door after what had happened, because Spencer isn't sure where he'd be right now if Joel hadn't. He wonders if he'd have just gone mad because he'd barely slept those couple days alone until that first time Joel had slept next to him. They've spent one night apart since that evening and maybe, Spencer thinks, that's part of why it feels like they've known each other for so much longer than four months. They know each other so intimately, have such a deep understanding of each other that goes beyond what they like to eat for breakfast or their favorite colors or any of the other things the more naive variety of people seem to think are especially significant pieces of information.
Joel understands parts of him that Spencer hadn't even understood himself. Joel has helped him discover who he is, tap into the sides of himself Spencer hadn't even known existed, unlock all manners of existing as a person Spencer couldn't have been without Joel's love. They do this wonderful thing for each other, show each other what it's like to want to be better, to be willing to give more. It's comforting to have at least one sure thing in his life and this is it, this is his sure thing. This relationship, this marriage, this sheer magnetism between him and Joel--it's never going anywhere.
Remembering that always makes it easier to distract from thoughts that could take Spencer down a path he doesn't want to travel anymore, one that's dark and empty and lonely. He chooses the one that connects them instead, the one where he gets to squirm underneath his husband because Joel's beard tickles his belly. "You've given me more than enough perfect nights to make up for it," he says, though the words come out as more of a gasp because having Joel's lips in the place they are is hardly conducive to concentration or the actual ability to speak.
He can feel his pants starting to tighten, and he desperately wants to remove the rest of Joel's clothes right now, but he can't bear the thought of moving out from under Joel's touch quite yet. "In fact, I think you're well on your way to giving me another one."
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"I'm glad you didn't give up on me," he says, keeping his voice low but his eyes on Joel. He'll always be grateful that Joel had come back to him, had ended up back outside his door after what had happened, because Spencer isn't sure where he'd be right now if Joel hadn't. He wonders if he'd have just gone mad because he'd barely slept those couple days alone until that first time Joel had slept next to him. They've spent one night apart since that evening and maybe, Spencer thinks, that's part of why it feels like they've known each other for so much longer than four months. They know each other so intimately, have such a deep understanding of each other that goes beyond what they like to eat for breakfast or their favorite colors or any of the other things the more naive variety of people seem to think are especially significant pieces of information.
Joel understands parts of him that Spencer hadn't even understood himself. Joel has helped him discover who he is, tap into the sides of himself Spencer hadn't even known existed, unlock all manners of existing as a person Spencer couldn't have been without Joel's love. They do this wonderful thing for each other, show each other what it's like to want to be better, to be willing to give more. It's comforting to have at least one sure thing in his life and this is it, this is his sure thing. This relationship, this marriage, this sheer magnetism between him and Joel--it's never going anywhere.
Remembering that always makes it easier to distract from thoughts that could take Spencer down a path he doesn't want to travel anymore, one that's dark and empty and lonely. He chooses the one that connects them instead, the one where he gets to squirm underneath his husband because Joel's beard tickles his belly. "You've given me more than enough perfect nights to make up for it," he says, though the words come out as more of a gasp because having Joel's lips in the place they are is hardly conducive to concentration or the actual ability to speak.
He can feel his pants starting to tighten, and he desperately wants to remove the rest of Joel's clothes right now, but he can't bear the thought of moving out from under Joel's touch quite yet. "In fact, I think you're well on your way to giving me another one."