There's so much Joel wishes he could properly express to Spencer, so many things he wants to say, but he doesn't feel like he knows the right words at the best of times. When he has an armful of his incredible, gorgeous, brilliant husband, it's even more difficult and he groans into Spencer's mouth, his hands falling to his hips so he can drag their bodies closer together. He remembers being here so clearly, wondering what he was doing, why he was thinking about kissing Spencer, about touching his face and his hair. He remembers reading his aura, that brilliant glow that is so individual to Spencer alone, the sort of energy Joel has never seen before in his entire life and knows he'll never see again because there's no one like Spencer. Not all that long ago, he stood in this exact spot in this library and asked Spencer what his favourite book was; he'd felt awkward and he'd blushed and found himself thinking and feeling things he hadn't allowed himself in years.

All because of this man.

With more care than he would have thought possible in this moment, Joel leans back against the shelf and he can feel the edges digging into his back, the corner of a book pressing against his shoulder, but he tugs Spencer against him and slides his hands into his hair and kisses him deeply. None of the rest matters. All he can feel is the warm weight of Spencer pressed against him, the strands of his hair has they slip through Joel's fingers, the way his lips and tongue feel as they kiss. He's so hard he's aching and he wants nothing more than to turn Spencer again and guide him toward the railing that circles the upper floor and press inside of him, but he doesn't want to rush either. It's important that he makes this special, that he overwrites all the bad memories Spencer associates with this place. Joel wants this to be his husband's favourite room again; it makes his chest ache that something bad has happened here, something bad enough to make Spencer anxious, and if he can fix that, he's going to do everything in his power to make it better.

"I love you," he breathes against Spencer's mouth, still holding his hair. He presses kisses against his cheeks and his lower lip, then arches his hips forward, grinding their erections together. "God, Spencer, I... I love you so much." He's never meant anything the way he means those words and they're never enough, but he hopes that at least part of what he really feels makes it into them when he speaks. That Spencer can hear the sheer amount of joy Joel feels when they're together, that he's changed Joel's life in every possible way, in ways he's not even sure he'll ever completely understand.

"You... god," he murmurs, not knowing where to go from there. His hand slides out of Spencer's hair and down his back until he can cup his ass, squeezing gently before using the grip to press their bodies together tightly. They don't have lube, he realizes, which isn't something they've ever had to worry about before, but Joel can't imagine either one of them running through the house for supplies at this point. He'll have to be careful, he can do that, he's always careful, and he runs one finger just under Spencer's ass, against his thigh, his lips curving into a grin even as he presses more kisses against Spencer's skin.

"You're so perfect," he says. "You're perfect for me." His finger slides up, pressing gently against Spencer's ass, just teasing for now, not pressing inside, not yet. There are plenty of ways for him to make sure to prepare Spencer and he can't stop smiling just thinking about them.