Grabbing Spencer like that is somehow worse for Joel than all the pain the demon has brought on him and he wants to fight back more than anything in that moment. He hates the idea of Spencer being hurt because of him and for a moment he can feel a flare of rage, something that tells him to fight, to make sure this thing doesn't hurt Spencer, to do everything in his power to make sure he's safe, but he knows it's too soon. He's not strong enough yet to do whatever is necessary and so he has to just be there. He has to watch his own hand grab Spencer's chin, fingers pressing cruelly into his skin, and all he wants to do is cry, but there's a wave of pride in him, too. Spencer doesn't back down, not even for a second and Joel wants to laugh at the demon inside him because he's suddenly sure it has no idea what it's gotten itself into. Maybe a year ago, maybe even six months ago he would have been an easy target, but Spencer has changed his entire life. He's turned it inside out and made Joel believe in things he never would have imagined himself believing in and this demon has no idea.
Or maybe it does. Maybe that's why Spencer seems to scare it more than anything else. It hasn't said a word to Joel about getting rid of Charlotte or his parents. Besides the dreams that he's beginning to think were more meant to scare him than anything, the only person the demon has seemed truly interested in doing away with is Spencer. Everyone else is an afterthought. Everyone else, as far as Joel can tell, doesn't even register and there has to be a reason for that.
When Spencer looks toward the mantle, Joel feels the demon turning his neck to follow Spencer's gaze. On some level it feels like moving after sleeping in a strange position, muscles and tendons creaking with the effort it takes. Everything hurts and Joel finds himself wondering again if it was like this for Amy. If this is what she went through and he knows he'll never be able to take it back or make it better. He doesn't believe in an afterlife, he doesn't believe in spirits or ghosts of heaven, but if she's out there somewhere, if her energy still exists -- and it has to, he knows it has to, scientifically it must because it cannot be destroy -- then he finds himself sending apologies out and hoping somehow she'll know. Somehow the energy that used to make up Amy Fuller will hear it and she'll understand and she'll know Joel never meant to cause any of this to happen to her. All he can do is hope it was quick for her. That she was dead before she had to live through much of this, that she had died before this pain began to start.
He expects some kind of response to this, some mockery, the dry voice that pierces his head like a thousand needles, but there's nothing. His head is still turned toward the framed picture on the mantle and Joel realizes the demon is staring at it and that something inside him feels like it's rebelling against the picture and the feelings it produces. Because for a moment and it's just a second, the pain lessens. It's a momentary respite, but Joel thinks if there's another, if it lasts longer, he might be able to surge back through it and take hold for at least a little while and the thing that caused it is the picture of Spencer kissing him.
Spencer looks at him and Joel knows he can't see his husband in these eyes right now, but he stares back, drinking in the sight of him. The look of resolve on his face, the way his jaw is set and when he begins to speak, Joel feels another one of those moments. He feels like he's clamouring for the story Spencer is telling, like it's water and he's been without for days, and with every word that passes from his lips, that moment gets wider. It gets bigger. And given the right time, Joel thinks he can slip through and take control. He just has to wait for it to be exactly right because he doesn't want to waste it. It needs to be enough of a gap for him to get through, the demon needs to have backed off enough and Joel waits.
But he waits just a second too long. Spencer steps away from the wall and they're standing nearly chest to chest. Another time he would have reached out and wrapped his arms around his husband's waist, but instead all he can do is try not to scream as another blast of searing pain races through him. It's a threat. It's the strongest, bravest thing Joel has ever seen Spencer do and he knows that's saying a lot because his husband has done so much for him, but he pushes off the wall and says you can't have him and the demon just reacts.
Joel won't remember this later, which is for the best. He doesn't remember the way the demon raises both his hands and slams them into the wall one either side of Spencer's head. The bones in his already damaged left hand crack, but both fists punch through the wall with a strength he shouldn't have. His hands are yanked back, knuckles dripping with blood and covered in a fine drywall dust. It wants to hit Spencer, but it can't touch him. It's afraid to. Instead it pulls Joel's body back and his shoulders curve in as he rises several inches into the air, looking as if he's suspended by a string attached at the base of his neck.
His eyes go black. If it can't touch Spencer, it can destroy him by hurting Joel. It lowers him just enough that his toes are barely skimming the floor and then, head cocked, mouth curved into a grin, it throws Joel's body against the opposite wall where he lands and crumples into a heap on the floor.
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Or maybe it does. Maybe that's why Spencer seems to scare it more than anything else. It hasn't said a word to Joel about getting rid of Charlotte or his parents. Besides the dreams that he's beginning to think were more meant to scare him than anything, the only person the demon has seemed truly interested in doing away with is Spencer. Everyone else is an afterthought. Everyone else, as far as Joel can tell, doesn't even register and there has to be a reason for that.
When Spencer looks toward the mantle, Joel feels the demon turning his neck to follow Spencer's gaze. On some level it feels like moving after sleeping in a strange position, muscles and tendons creaking with the effort it takes. Everything hurts and Joel finds himself wondering again if it was like this for Amy. If this is what she went through and he knows he'll never be able to take it back or make it better. He doesn't believe in an afterlife, he doesn't believe in spirits or ghosts of heaven, but if she's out there somewhere, if her energy still exists -- and it has to, he knows it has to, scientifically it must because it cannot be destroy -- then he finds himself sending apologies out and hoping somehow she'll know. Somehow the energy that used to make up Amy Fuller will hear it and she'll understand and she'll know Joel never meant to cause any of this to happen to her. All he can do is hope it was quick for her. That she was dead before she had to live through much of this, that she had died before this pain began to start.
He expects some kind of response to this, some mockery, the dry voice that pierces his head like a thousand needles, but there's nothing. His head is still turned toward the framed picture on the mantle and Joel realizes the demon is staring at it and that something inside him feels like it's rebelling against the picture and the feelings it produces. Because for a moment and it's just a second, the pain lessens. It's a momentary respite, but Joel thinks if there's another, if it lasts longer, he might be able to surge back through it and take hold for at least a little while and the thing that caused it is the picture of Spencer kissing him.
Spencer looks at him and Joel knows he can't see his husband in these eyes right now, but he stares back, drinking in the sight of him. The look of resolve on his face, the way his jaw is set and when he begins to speak, Joel feels another one of those moments. He feels like he's clamouring for the story Spencer is telling, like it's water and he's been without for days, and with every word that passes from his lips, that moment gets wider. It gets bigger. And given the right time, Joel thinks he can slip through and take control. He just has to wait for it to be exactly right because he doesn't want to waste it. It needs to be enough of a gap for him to get through, the demon needs to have backed off enough and Joel waits.
But he waits just a second too long. Spencer steps away from the wall and they're standing nearly chest to chest. Another time he would have reached out and wrapped his arms around his husband's waist, but instead all he can do is try not to scream as another blast of searing pain races through him. It's a threat. It's the strongest, bravest thing Joel has ever seen Spencer do and he knows that's saying a lot because his husband has done so much for him, but he pushes off the wall and says you can't have him and the demon just reacts.
Joel won't remember this later, which is for the best. He doesn't remember the way the demon raises both his hands and slams them into the wall one either side of Spencer's head. The bones in his already damaged left hand crack, but both fists punch through the wall with a strength he shouldn't have. His hands are yanked back, knuckles dripping with blood and covered in a fine drywall dust. It wants to hit Spencer, but it can't touch him. It's afraid to. Instead it pulls Joel's body back and his shoulders curve in as he rises several inches into the air, looking as if he's suspended by a string attached at the base of his neck.
His eyes go black. If it can't touch Spencer, it can destroy him by hurting Joel. It lowers him just enough that his toes are barely skimming the floor and then, head cocked, mouth curved into a grin, it throws Joel's body against the opposite wall where he lands and crumples into a heap on the floor.