He's trying not to feel sorry for himself when the door opens and it takes Joel several seconds to look up, to realize it isn't just another nurse coming to check on him, to realize Spencer is standing there and all his efforts not to cry, not to feel sorry for himself, they're all for nothing, because the second he sees Spencer his face crumples again and it hurts so much to be crying, but he can't stop. Every breath he takes, every shake of his shoulders, they send searing pain through his chest and Joel relishes in it because it's what he deserves. Spencer is standing there, he doesn't look too badly injured, he's here and he's alive and he's able to walk, but the second Joel sees him he's reminded of everything he said and did while the demon had control over him. He knows he isn't to blame, he knows he was under its control, but at the same time he feels so responsible. If he had noticed sooner or if he had taken it more seriously maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe Spencer wouldn't have been hurt, maybe their house wouldn't have been damaged, maybe Joel wouldn't have to feel like he's falling apart.
He wants to say something, but he doesn't know what to say and he doesn't think he could speak even if he did. Every time he opens his mouth, the only thing that threatens to spill out is a sob and he bites them back until his shoulders stop shaking, until he thinks he might be able to look up again, but when he does, his vision is still blurred with tears. There's nothing he can say that will make any of this better, nothing that can undo the awful things that have been done. There is no apology in the world that will fix this damage and Joel opens his mouth to say something, but he can only stare at Spencer helplessly before lifting his good hand and covering his face.
His entire life has been shaped by the stupid decision he made to impress a girl when he was seventeen. He had loved her and she had died because of him. His family had been chased out of their home and even now they have barely anything from their life in Shediac. The few pictures his mother had been sent from a sympathetic lawyer can't possibly ever make up for having lost their home, for having been kicked out of the only town they'd ever lived in, for losing their jobs and their friends and everything. And so Joel had kept himself away from people out of fear he would hurt them, but then Spencer had come along. Spencer had changed everything, but even he couldn't escape this stupid decision. Mark had come and now the demon and Joel thinks the guilt might actually crush him.
The sedative helps. He can't seem to stop crying and he's ashamed to even look at Spencer, but he thinks he might be in much worse shape without it. If only he could find something to say maybe he'd be a little better still, but nothing he thinks of sounds right. Nothing is big enough, nothing means enough. All he wants is to go home with Spencer, to curl up and sleep and forget everything, but he can't. That's not the sort of gift given to men like him.
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He wants to say something, but he doesn't know what to say and he doesn't think he could speak even if he did. Every time he opens his mouth, the only thing that threatens to spill out is a sob and he bites them back until his shoulders stop shaking, until he thinks he might be able to look up again, but when he does, his vision is still blurred with tears. There's nothing he can say that will make any of this better, nothing that can undo the awful things that have been done. There is no apology in the world that will fix this damage and Joel opens his mouth to say something, but he can only stare at Spencer helplessly before lifting his good hand and covering his face.
His entire life has been shaped by the stupid decision he made to impress a girl when he was seventeen. He had loved her and she had died because of him. His family had been chased out of their home and even now they have barely anything from their life in Shediac. The few pictures his mother had been sent from a sympathetic lawyer can't possibly ever make up for having lost their home, for having been kicked out of the only town they'd ever lived in, for losing their jobs and their friends and everything. And so Joel had kept himself away from people out of fear he would hurt them, but then Spencer had come along. Spencer had changed everything, but even he couldn't escape this stupid decision. Mark had come and now the demon and Joel thinks the guilt might actually crush him.
The sedative helps. He can't seem to stop crying and he's ashamed to even look at Spencer, but he thinks he might be in much worse shape without it. If only he could find something to say maybe he'd be a little better still, but nothing he thinks of sounds right. Nothing is big enough, nothing means enough. All he wants is to go home with Spencer, to curl up and sleep and forget everything, but he can't. That's not the sort of gift given to men like him.