Spencer smiles at that, tilting his head as he refocuses all his attention on his husband now that Nora's left the room. "I say things like that all the time," he says softly, and it's not to make Joel feel guilty, Spencer understands. He understands because even before his mother and brother had died, he'd already been withdrawn. He'd already kept to himself, more than willing to discuss books if patrons in the library ever asked but managing to come up with some sort of excuse to walk away or change the subject if the conversation ever veered toward anything more personal. Amber had asked him to dinner, a movie, even just a coffee on her break at the cafe numerous times before she'd eventually realized that Spencer would never do more than politely decline. He's never been the sort of person who shares, who's willing to discuss his feelings because most of the times, he'd never felt particularly good.
Things are different now. Spencer's different without really changing very much at all, and he knows that it's due to Joel. "Well, not all the time," Spencer continues, his own cheeks starting to redden, "but when I do talk to people about you, it's like I can't stop. I can't turn the switch off, all I can talk about is how much I love you because it becomes all I can think about in that moment." He let about a sheepish laugh, shaking his head just slightly before letting it drop so he's looking at the space between his hand and Joel's. He stares for a long moment at the IV needle before closing the gap, sliding his hand closer so their fingers brush, and he feels quite suddenly like his throat might close up.
"I--" His voice cracks, and Spencer clamps his mouth shut, blinking away tears that he can't place the source of before looking back up at his husband. "I didn't have a reason before you, I didn't have anything to talk to anyone about. My family, it's always just been simpler to pretend that it's not on my mind. People become so easily uncomfortable, I think being around me was a trial for a long time because they were afraid I'd bring them up, that I'd bring up the fact that they probably looked at me for at least half a moment and wondered if I really did..." He trails off, letting his thumb rub over Joel's knuckles. "I can talk about you now instead. I still don't talk to that many people in the first place, I have you. Even when you're not there."
He shares Joel's sentiment, that he'd sleep on the floor as long as it meant he'd get to be near his husband, and it's because he wouldn't really feel at home even if he made the choice to sleep in their own bed. Home is where Joel is, his heart is where Joel is, and as much as Spencer hates being at the hospital, he'd hate being separated from his husband more.
"I like Nora," he says suddenly, and he's not sure where the words had come from but that doesn't make them any less true. She's firm, but Spencer can see how much she cares in her actions, in the way she seems not to just accept but understand that Spencer can't leave Joel here alone. It's just as much for himself as it is for his husband, perhaps, but Nora doesn't seem to care to differentiate. "It's still a surprise to me when people are kind. Do you think that's awful of me to say? I've spent so much time believing that people must think the worst of me, it isn't until I met you that I realized maybe that isn't true. Not of everyone, at least."
There are far more Eli Jaspers in this town than Spencer wants to think about, it's just that Eli had been the most vocal, just like he'd been in high school. Joel had taken care of that problem, but Spencer admittedly wonders once in awhile when the next Eli will come along because in spite of how many incredible things have happened to him over the course of the last few months, optimism still isn't his forte. Their baby, though, he can be optimistic about that. With Joel's demon gone and both of them on the mend, the thought of their baby helps him to believe that nothing that bad could possibly happen again, nothing could overshadow the beauty of the family they're building. He has two reasons to let himself accept that he deserves a good life now, two reasons to dedicate himself to giving all of himself to the two people who deserve all the love in the world--even though one hasn't quite joined them yet.
"You know, this time next year, we'll be that couple who can't stop talking about their child," he teases. That doesn't sound so bad, he thinks. They could be worse things.
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Things are different now. Spencer's different without really changing very much at all, and he knows that it's due to Joel. "Well, not all the time," Spencer continues, his own cheeks starting to redden, "but when I do talk to people about you, it's like I can't stop. I can't turn the switch off, all I can talk about is how much I love you because it becomes all I can think about in that moment." He let about a sheepish laugh, shaking his head just slightly before letting it drop so he's looking at the space between his hand and Joel's. He stares for a long moment at the IV needle before closing the gap, sliding his hand closer so their fingers brush, and he feels quite suddenly like his throat might close up.
"I--" His voice cracks, and Spencer clamps his mouth shut, blinking away tears that he can't place the source of before looking back up at his husband. "I didn't have a reason before you, I didn't have anything to talk to anyone about. My family, it's always just been simpler to pretend that it's not on my mind. People become so easily uncomfortable, I think being around me was a trial for a long time because they were afraid I'd bring them up, that I'd bring up the fact that they probably looked at me for at least half a moment and wondered if I really did..." He trails off, letting his thumb rub over Joel's knuckles. "I can talk about you now instead. I still don't talk to that many people in the first place, I have you. Even when you're not there."
He shares Joel's sentiment, that he'd sleep on the floor as long as it meant he'd get to be near his husband, and it's because he wouldn't really feel at home even if he made the choice to sleep in their own bed. Home is where Joel is, his heart is where Joel is, and as much as Spencer hates being at the hospital, he'd hate being separated from his husband more.
"I like Nora," he says suddenly, and he's not sure where the words had come from but that doesn't make them any less true. She's firm, but Spencer can see how much she cares in her actions, in the way she seems not to just accept but understand that Spencer can't leave Joel here alone. It's just as much for himself as it is for his husband, perhaps, but Nora doesn't seem to care to differentiate. "It's still a surprise to me when people are kind. Do you think that's awful of me to say? I've spent so much time believing that people must think the worst of me, it isn't until I met you that I realized maybe that isn't true. Not of everyone, at least."
There are far more Eli Jaspers in this town than Spencer wants to think about, it's just that Eli had been the most vocal, just like he'd been in high school. Joel had taken care of that problem, but Spencer admittedly wonders once in awhile when the next Eli will come along because in spite of how many incredible things have happened to him over the course of the last few months, optimism still isn't his forte. Their baby, though, he can be optimistic about that. With Joel's demon gone and both of them on the mend, the thought of their baby helps him to believe that nothing that bad could possibly happen again, nothing could overshadow the beauty of the family they're building. He has two reasons to let himself accept that he deserves a good life now, two reasons to dedicate himself to giving all of himself to the two people who deserve all the love in the world--even though one hasn't quite joined them yet.
"You know, this time next year, we'll be that couple who can't stop talking about their child," he teases. That doesn't sound so bad, he thinks. They could be worse things.