It takes a hell of a lot not to let out the gruff, frustrated sigh he wants to let out when Davin's expression turns all wounded puppy, and Coop doesn't really know how the hell he's supposed to explain that it's not that he fucking wants to punish himself, it's that he doesn't know how to stop.
It doesn't matter to him that nobody else is pissed off, even though they'd have every goddamn right to be, Davin's right--he is mad. He's mad at whoever decided it would be a good idea to fuck with everyone's minds like that, mad at whatever it is that'd made him the bad guy, the one who'd taken real pleasure in fucking with other people's lives, and he thinks what he's most mad about is that he can still remember how pleased he'd been to touch Spencer the way he had and know that there'd been fear there. It's disgusting, it makes him sick, and knowing that he'd taken pleasure in something like that and actively trying to make Joel's life miserable kind of just amounts to a whole 'easier said than done' kind of thing when it comes to moving on.
He knows it'd been a spell. He knows that, he's not a fucking idiot. But that doesn't change the fact that he'd done what he'd done. He carries those memories now, as clearly as they'd really been his own, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it because some sick fuck had wanted to make everyone pawns in some stupid, pointless game.
"Maybe I was myself," he counters, crossing his arms defensively over his chest. "Everyone else I saw had parts of themselves intact, why not me? The way I treated you, I liked it. I liked using people, I liked conning people, and I even liked pissing Joel off enough to get him to punch me. So what, I'm supposed to just laugh it off?"
He's being a little too dramatic for a baby shower, he thinks, and Coop takes a deep breath before his voice can get any louder. He's already getting the occasional glance, and he doesn't want to have to apologize to Joel again for something he'd done. "Anyway, fine, okay. Water under the bridge, it's done. Everything's cool."
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It doesn't matter to him that nobody else is pissed off, even though they'd have every goddamn right to be, Davin's right--he is mad. He's mad at whoever decided it would be a good idea to fuck with everyone's minds like that, mad at whatever it is that'd made him the bad guy, the one who'd taken real pleasure in fucking with other people's lives, and he thinks what he's most mad about is that he can still remember how pleased he'd been to touch Spencer the way he had and know that there'd been fear there. It's disgusting, it makes him sick, and knowing that he'd taken pleasure in something like that and actively trying to make Joel's life miserable kind of just amounts to a whole 'easier said than done' kind of thing when it comes to moving on.
He knows it'd been a spell. He knows that, he's not a fucking idiot. But that doesn't change the fact that he'd done what he'd done. He carries those memories now, as clearly as they'd really been his own, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it because some sick fuck had wanted to make everyone pawns in some stupid, pointless game.
"Maybe I was myself," he counters, crossing his arms defensively over his chest. "Everyone else I saw had parts of themselves intact, why not me? The way I treated you, I liked it. I liked using people, I liked conning people, and I even liked pissing Joel off enough to get him to punch me. So what, I'm supposed to just laugh it off?"
He's being a little too dramatic for a baby shower, he thinks, and Coop takes a deep breath before his voice can get any louder. He's already getting the occasional glance, and he doesn't want to have to apologize to Joel again for something he'd done. "Anyway, fine, okay. Water under the bridge, it's done. Everything's cool."