"I remember," Joel says with a laugh, a breath of air that puffs over Spencer's mouth that he follows with a soft trail of kisses, his lips moving over Spencer's lower lip and then his chin before he returns to press a kiss to the centre of his chest. "I remember the way you smiled at me when I approached the booth and it was like my heart was going to beat straight out of my chest." At the time he'd been so nervous, so overwhelmed by what he felt for Spencer, but looking back now, being here and being able to look back and talk about how he'd felt, it's one of the nicest things Joel thinks he's ever done. To trust Spencer so deeply now that he can tell him everything he'd been experiencing that day and that Spencer can do the same in return is a strangely exciting feeling. Looking back, knowing how he felt at the time, hearing that Spencer felt the same, it only reinforces the knowledge that they're supposed to be here, they were supposed to find each other.
"I wanted so badly to kiss you," he remembers, sliding one hand over Spencer's ribs, his fingers curling over his side so he can hold onto him as he drops soft kisses against his skin. They've come so far from that moment, from standing awkwardly on either side of the booth, Joel fighting the urge to just lean across and scatter the library card applications so he could properly kiss Spencer for the first time. Sometimes he wishes he had, just so their memory of their first real kiss wasn't tied up in the lighthouse and all the awful things Mark has done, but he knows he can't change the past. He can't change it and he thinks, with time, they're moving beyond it. They're making new and much better memories.
"I remember tucking back your hair," he continues, then laughs again. "God, Spencer, I wanted to do that since the day I met you. You would lean forward and your hair would fall around your face and I think I loved that before I even realized I was attracted to you. It was like the very sight of it made my hands itch to touch you and doing that... that took all my courage that day." That isn't entirely true, he'd been able to ask Spencer on a date, but at the time just reaching forward and using two of his fingers to push Spencer's hair behind his ear had felt like an enormous task, one he hadn't been quite sure he could manage because it had been something he'd wanted so badly. Such a small gesture, something that might not mean anything to someone else, but for Joel it had been everything he'd had in that moment. Every feeling, every need, every single desire and all of them had been Spencer's.
"I was so excited to be around you," he murmurs, shifting down the couch, his mouth tracing the line of Spencer's ribs one at a time, pressing tender kisses to his skin that he follows now and then with the tip of his tongue or the edge of his teeth. "Being near you made me feel like I could care about someone again and that it wasn't anything to be afraid of. That it could be exciting and scary and fun." He smiles, his lips curving against the skin just above Spencer's navel and his gaze flicks up, looking up the long line of Spencer's body. "I still feel that way."
They're quiet now, neither of them are shaking or nervous. They're married and it's different than it was that first day, there's no denying that, but it hasn't all changed. "I'm still excited to be around you. When I think about coming home and getting to see you, my heart still feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. When you smile at me I still feel like I'm nervous and fumbling and maybe a little idiotic over you. I think you'll probably turn me into something of an idiot for the rest of my life." And he's saying it all with a smile, because he can think of nothing he'd like more than that. To be so excited to see his husband every single day that he feels himself fumbling over words and being overwhelmed with emotion. That's all he wants out of life and with Spencer, that's exactly what he's going to get.
no subject
"I wanted so badly to kiss you," he remembers, sliding one hand over Spencer's ribs, his fingers curling over his side so he can hold onto him as he drops soft kisses against his skin. They've come so far from that moment, from standing awkwardly on either side of the booth, Joel fighting the urge to just lean across and scatter the library card applications so he could properly kiss Spencer for the first time. Sometimes he wishes he had, just so their memory of their first real kiss wasn't tied up in the lighthouse and all the awful things Mark has done, but he knows he can't change the past. He can't change it and he thinks, with time, they're moving beyond it. They're making new and much better memories.
"I remember tucking back your hair," he continues, then laughs again. "God, Spencer, I wanted to do that since the day I met you. You would lean forward and your hair would fall around your face and I think I loved that before I even realized I was attracted to you. It was like the very sight of it made my hands itch to touch you and doing that... that took all my courage that day." That isn't entirely true, he'd been able to ask Spencer on a date, but at the time just reaching forward and using two of his fingers to push Spencer's hair behind his ear had felt like an enormous task, one he hadn't been quite sure he could manage because it had been something he'd wanted so badly. Such a small gesture, something that might not mean anything to someone else, but for Joel it had been everything he'd had in that moment. Every feeling, every need, every single desire and all of them had been Spencer's.
"I was so excited to be around you," he murmurs, shifting down the couch, his mouth tracing the line of Spencer's ribs one at a time, pressing tender kisses to his skin that he follows now and then with the tip of his tongue or the edge of his teeth. "Being near you made me feel like I could care about someone again and that it wasn't anything to be afraid of. That it could be exciting and scary and fun." He smiles, his lips curving against the skin just above Spencer's navel and his gaze flicks up, looking up the long line of Spencer's body. "I still feel that way."
They're quiet now, neither of them are shaking or nervous. They're married and it's different than it was that first day, there's no denying that, but it hasn't all changed. "I'm still excited to be around you. When I think about coming home and getting to see you, my heart still feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. When you smile at me I still feel like I'm nervous and fumbling and maybe a little idiotic over you. I think you'll probably turn me into something of an idiot for the rest of my life." And he's saying it all with a smile, because he can think of nothing he'd like more than that. To be so excited to see his husband every single day that he feels himself fumbling over words and being overwhelmed with emotion. That's all he wants out of life and with Spencer, that's exactly what he's going to get.