just_another | [spencer]

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spencer

[spencer]

The weather is turning cooler, which Joel loves, and he takes his time walking Huxley this evening, letting the wind blow through his hair -- it's getting longer, his mother has pointed out since arriving and he'll need to cut it soon -- as he walks first down toward the beach and then back home again. His parents are going to be out for the evening and he's looking forward to getting home and having some time alone with just Spencer. Having his parents visiting has actually been kind of nice, despite the initial fear he'd had that they'd be hurt. They had come bearing gifts -- a beautiful silver picture frame and a first edition novel for Spencer -- and have both been nothing but happy for the two of them, but he's still looking forward to the quiet evening alone.

They're visiting friends and the sun has mostly dipped behind the trees when Joel finally gets home, glad to see their rented car is still gone. His hands are cold and he flexes them, trying to get some feeling back into his fingertips as he opens the front door and then drops into a crouch to unclip Huxley's leash from his collar, letting the puppy roam into the house. As always, he goes straight to the kitchen, then returns a moment later, as Joel unties his shoes.

"No one there?" he asks, smiling down at the puppy, who trots around the first level of the house, his tail wagging as he searches for Raleigh or Spencer or Joel's father, his new favourite person, mostly because Brian seems to drop an awful lot of food whenever Huxley is around. As Joel hangs up his jacket, he hears the puppy let out an excited yip in the living room and he turns in that direction, sure he'll find Spencer working on something.

They've both been working a lot lately, between the bakery and Crossroads and the work they've put into their future family. They seem to have come to the decision that finding a surrogate will be the best fit for them and they've spent a few nights looking. Joel has signed up for one agency in particular that he liked the look of and they've been sending him e-mails whenever new surrogates that fit what they're looking for come available. So he walks into the living room, expecting to find Spencer hard at work and he stops, smiling when he finds him reading instead, a warm fire burning in the fireplace. It's a nice sight and he walks around the back of the couch, brushing his hand over the back of Spencer's neck, knowing full well his hands are still cold.

There's a good chance he does it on purpose.

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Spencer hears the pitter-patter of Huxley's little paws from the hallway and grins when the puppy leaps onto the couch, making himself perfectly comfortable on top of the open book in Spencer's lap. Spencer cups the dog's face with his hands, clucking his tongue even as he leans down to press a soft kiss to Huxley's nose. "What are we going to do with you?" he asks, rolling his eyes when Huxley only pants back at him with wide eyes and his tongue hanging out the corner of his mouth.

He knows Joel wouldn't have been too far behind their dog, but Spencer doesn't expect the icy hand that lands on the back of his neck. It's with a surprised gasp that he shivers, just violently enough to send Huxley fleeing from the couch and to a spot closer to the fireplace. Spencer tilts his head back so it's resting on the couch, trying to maintain a scowl when he looks up at Joel but as always, his husband makes it terribly difficult for Spencer to even pretend he could ever stay angry.

"Remind me why I married you," he says, though he's already broken into a grin. He reaches up with one hand to bunch Joel's shirt in his fist, pulling the other man down so they can meet for a slow, soft kiss. Any offensive chill that Joel had brought with him from outside is long forgotten as Spencer lets his eyes flutter shut, his tongue slipping past Joel's parted lips. He hums with satisfaction before regretfully pulling away, shifting on the couch so he can properly face his husband. "Right, I think I remember now."

He tugs gently on Joel's shirt before releasing it, nodding for the other man to join him on the couch. "Your parents left about an hour ago, I told them to call if they get too drunk to drive home," he says, lips twitching with amusement. "I think Raleigh's still busy with the bakery, so it's just you and me tonight. Well, you and me and our little menace over there..." As if on cue, Huxley turns his head to face them and lets out another sharp yip before curling back into himself and closing his eyes. Spencer only shakes his head before taking Joel's hands in his, absently rubbing his own over them to warm them up. "I swear, this dog exists only to allow us to practice as parents."

Joel can't help but laugh, even as Spencer pulls him in for a kiss and he closes his eyes, humming happily against Spencer's mouth, perfectly content to spend the rest of the evening doing exactly this if that's what Spencer has in mind. It's not quite fall yet, but the nights are getting cooler and Joel is looking forward to his favourite time of year when he can spend the evenings curled up with a book. His life has changed significantly from this time last year when he would have been holed up in his apartment above the bookstore alone, no one but Balto and his television for company. He wonders how he'd never seen that as an indication of his loneliness before. Though he'd never watched a lot of TV beyond the one or two shows he liked, it had always been on in the background, the volume low, just loud enough for him to hear the murmur of voices in his apartment when he was alone. It had relaxed him, that simple background noise, but he doesn't need it anymore. He comes home to Spencer and to Raleigh, he can often hear their quiet conversations or the sound of Huxley or Balto somewhere in the house.

He had been a lot lonelier than he'd ever allowed himself to dwell on, but he doesn't feel that way anymore. Spencers says he remembers why he'd married Joel and even though he's only teasing, Joel can't help the warmth that spreads through him at the sight of Spencer's smiling, at the sound of his eyes. He doesn't need to turn on the TV for background noise anymore because he isn't lonely. Smiling, he walks around the couch to sink down beside Spencer, warming his hands by rubbing them together before he lays on over Spencer's knee, looking down at the book he's been reading.

"If this is practice for parenting, it's not so bad," Joel says thoughtfully. "Clip the baby up to a leash and walk him or her twice a day, then let it fall asleep in front of the fire. That actually sounds kind of nice." He's joking, of course, and Huxley is far more work than that, especially when he's being especially hyper, but Joel really can't wait for them to be parents. They're not rushing things, they're taking their time and doing research and they certainly haven't put any deadlines on what they've been talking about, but he's excited all the same. His mother is, too, he had seen it in her eyes the second he'd mentioned that he and Spencer had been doing some research.

"We wouldn't even have to buy a crib that way," he says. "Or worry about turning the guest room into a nursery. Oh, we could just let the baby sleep at the foot of our bed like the dog always wants to." He's joking about that, too, but it actually makes Joel think of something and he slouches down on the couch a little, getting comfortable as he looks at Spencer. "I know we have a lot of time to think about it and it's a long way off, but do you have any opinion on co-sleeping?" he asks. "My parents did it with my sister, but not with me. Apparently even as a baby I just wanted to be on my own as much as possible. I've been doing some reading on it, but people have very mixed opinions on the topic."

"I'm sorry, did you just refer to our future child as an it?" he teases, his grin reaching past his eyes in a way that only Joel can make it do. He reaches out to twirl the hair at the nape of Joel's neck around his finger, admiring just how handsome his husband looks with his hair growing out like this. His own hair always seems to be an unruly mess now, just past that awkward point of being not long or short enough, and he blows a stray strand out of his face before draping his arm over Joel's shoulder.

"Maybe we can get Huxley to walk the baby," he continues, nodding as if giving it serious consideration. "That should be fine, he's got enough energy for it. I've wondered more than once since we got him whether I'm really in control of the leash when we're out for a walk." In spite of all the nonsense, Spencer can't seem to stop smiling because they haven't just been talking about starting their family anymore; they've taken actual steps toward doing it. Joel had signed up for an agency and every time he says that he's been sent another potential surrogate option, Spencer feels excitement flare in his chest at the thought that the next woman could be the right one, the woman who's going to help them start a family.

At Joel's question, Spencer takes a moment before answering. "I like the idea of co-sleeping," he admits, and it's like shifting from joking to actual consideration about what they're going to do as parents has made him more alert. He sits a bit straighter, bringing his legs up onto the couch and crossing them as he leans forward to carefully sets his book down on the coffee table. "Co-bedding, not so much. But I wouldn't exactly mind having the baby in our room." His cheeks flush, and he knows there's nothing to be embarrassed about but he's still a bit bashful because he already feels like he's going to start sounding like a ridiculously overprotective father. "I don't know, there's just something very appealing about being able to have our child in our line of sight at all times. What if she falls out of her crib? Or he's-- He's-- doing something babies shouldn't do, and we need to stop him?"

He's making absolutely no sense, but he's wringing his hands in his lap and god, he'd had no clue that the prospect of being a parent would turn him into such a nervous, neurotic wreck. He's still a bit surprised at how badly he wants this, how eager he is to get started on expanding their family, and it's not that he's going to be especially upset if they aren't even able to find the right surrogate for another month, even another year; Spencer just knows that this is something they're going to excel at, parenthood. There's going to be rough patches, days that he thinks he doesn't know if he's really fit for any of this, but Spencer takes comfort in knowing that at the end of the day, he and Joel will always be there to support each other.

Remind me of this conversation, that's what Joel had told him just a couple weeks ago on the bench outside of Crossroads. It helps to remind himself, too, of course, and Spencer manages to take in a deep breath before slowly letting it back out. "So yes, I'm for the co-sleeping." He pauses, then brightens. "And babywearing! All the babywearing. I will wear our babies everywhere."

Joel is nodding his agreement, because that's sort of what he's been thinking, too. He knows having the baby in the same bed is helpful for mothers who are breastfeeding, but since one of them will always have to get up to prepare the bottle in the middle of the night when the baby cries, he doesn't see how having him or her in the bed with them will really improve the situation. He's seen some interesting cribs that can be attached to the side of their bed with one wall removed to give the same feeling of closeness without creating the worry that someone might roll over and crush the poor little baby. That's the thing Joel is concerned about most. He's not a heavy sleeper by any means and he thinks if the baby were to actually be in bed with them, he wouldn't fall asleep for even a second, too afraid that he might move the wrong way and injure their child. But something both separate and attached seemed like a nice compromise and that way, if they discover the baby prefers to sleep on their own, all they'll have to do is set up the crib the way it's supposed to be.

He's about to respond when Spencer starts to talk about babywearing and he pauses, then coughs out a surprised laugh, turning on the couch so he can face his husband. He's never heard it referred to as babywearing, but the second Spencer says it, Joel knows exactly what he means and he can picture it easily. Spencer in the store, an infant strapped to his chest and Joel knows he's been looking forward to this, he knows he's both afraid and excited to be a father, but it's that image, the idea of Spencer moving through the store with the baby sleeping against his chest that causes Joel to feel like something inside him might actually burst from happiness.

"Everywhere?" he asks with a grin, tucking one leg under his body as he leans against the back of the couch. His phone makes a soft pinging noise in his pocket, alerting him to a new e-mail, but he doesn't have any intention of checking it until he tugs it out of his pocket to throw on the table and sees the alert. It's an e-mail from the agency he's signed up with. It's probably nothing, probably just one of their e-mails reminding him that he can update their information at any time, but he makes a note to grab his laptop off the chair in a few minutes and just see what they've sent them. It might be something worthwhile to look at together.

"It'll be so nice working at the bookstore when he or she is born," he says. "We can alternate days off at first and take the baby into the store once they're old enough. You can wear him or her around while you organize. I'm really... I'm looking forward to that." His voice is soft when he says it and his smile softens to as he looks over at Spencer. He's glad they can talk like this, they can sort out their opinions on different parenting tactics, they trust each other enough to be honest and explore their options. Joel knows, no matter what, there will be hard days when they're both convinced they're terrible parents, but he thinks they're going to be well prepared. He knows it won't all go according to plan, but he also thinks they're in a good situation.

"Are there carriers for that?" he asks, though it's more a rhetorical question than anything, unless Spencer has already done research, which isn't entirely impossible. "For babywearing? That's what you mean, right? One of those... those slings, I guess they would be called."

Spencer barely glances at the phone on the table before his gazes shifts back to Joel, and he only nods his agreement because the words he'd planned to say seem to be now be caught in his throat. It keeps hitting him, over and over, that this is really happening, this is his life now. He's really found the love of his life, he's really married, he's really going to be a father--and all of these things encompass exactly the type of man he'd never expected to become. His mother had held out hope as most mothers often do. She would tell Spencer about things he'd understand when he became a husband or a parents--things like how exhausting it is to chase little ones around the backyard for hours until they tire themselves out enough to fall asleep, though Spencer will maintain that she'd been talking specifically about Dane.

Spencer reaches for Joel's hand, squeezing it tightly as he tries and fails to hold back the enormous smile that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle, and he ducks his head instead as he lets out a sheepish laugh. "God, I'm looking forward to all of it." His other hand trembles as he wipes the back of his hand over his eyes, which most certainly are not welling up at the mere thought of what their lives are going to be like after their baby is born. "Even the parts when I'm going to be angry or frustrated or ready to give up because those are the parts that are going to make me remember how valuable the amazing ones are. When our baby laughs for the first time or says that first word or walks. Joel, what are we going to do when the baby can walk, we have to baby-proof everything, everything."

He's still smiling as he says it, even though he's actually being quite serious about that because there's absolutely no way in hell that he's going to let their child get hurt, he already refuses to accept that it's practically inevitable that the baby will find his or herself with a scrape or two. He laughs again, this time more at himself, and he wonders if anyone anticipating parenthood puts this much thought into it before the baby is even conceived.

"And yes, slings, I just-- I want to keep the baby close. I read that it gives a better sense of security, for the parent and the child, and it's a hands-free method of carrying so we wouldn't have to worry about being able to work and watch the baby at the same time. I suspect I'll be an even worse employee than I am now, though, considering I'll be having both you and our child to distract me from doing anything productive. Not even born yet, already a menance." He brings Joel's hand to his mouth, pressing a soft kiss to it before smiling affectionately. "Our baby takes after you already."

There's a lot to consider, he realizes, the more they talk about it, but Joel doesn't want to overthink the situation. He knows he's often prone to that, to thinking too much and spending too much time worrying about things that don't necessarily need to be worried about. It might not be the first thing people think of when they look at him, but Joel's always been a worrier. He's always carried a lot of anxiety and he knows the source of it is his overactive mind. He jumps to the worst case scenarios, he spends too much time thinking about all the possible ways in which a situation can play out. Whenever he has to do anything that requires a list, he spends day agonizing over it and he knows the same thing is likely to happen here, even if he tries to prevent it. In the months leading up to the baby's birth, he's going to make list after list just to make sure they have everything they need and even so, he'll be convinced they've forgotten something vital.

And yet even knowing that, knowing he's bound to have several breakdowns between now and the time their baby actually comes to live with them, Joel has no interest in changing his mind. This is what he wants. This is what he wants with Spencer. There's bound to be terror, but he knows there will be far more amazing moments than scary ones. He knows there are going to be days when he comes home from work to find Spencer sleeping on the couch with the baby on his chest and he'll just stand there and watch, and he'll know just how lucky he really is.

"You're the best employee I have," Joel answers with a laugh when Spencer lifts his hand, shaking his head in amusement. "And I hate to use this against you, but the other day in front of the store when you were offering demonstrations of how much it meant that I trust you alone in the store, I think it might have been you who was the menace. So maybe this unborn baby takes after you." And yet he wouldn't change it for the world. He loves that Spencer can do that to him, can drive him crazy with just the right words or even the right look. That's something he'll never want to give up and never want to take for granted.

Leaning in, he presses a quick kiss against Spencer's mouth before he relaxes back against the couch, looking contentedly toward the fire. He prefers the cooler months, but the air in the living room is comfortably warm and he has feeling back in his fingers again. This is something he could very easily get used to, he realizes. Coming in from the cold with Spencer and a fire waiting for him.

"I got another e-mail from the agency," he says, reaching out to nudge his phone with his toe. "I don't know if it's another surrogate option or just their newsletter, but if you want, I can grab my computer so we can look at it." They've been looking at every option together so far and while none of them have clicked quite yet, Joel knows eventually someone will be exactly right. He's sure they'll just know.

"Does that mean I get to be Employee of the Month every month?" he asks, batting his lashes innocently. "A new picture of me on the wall for all to see? As long as you don't use that mall photo shoot, I won't have a problem with it. I do require more bonus incentives like the one you gave me in the apartment, though, is that the one you're referring to now? Because you hardly seemed to be complaining at the time." Spencer hadn't exactly been complaining either but he always enjoys when they tease each other like this. Talking to Joel comes so easily, and they're comfortable in silence together but they never seem to have trouble in finding something to talk about with each other. The way their days had gone, a particularly good quote or passage they'd found, their future, those are only a few of the many subjects he and Joel discuss to pass the time. It's not like that with other people; with other people, Spencer often needs a purpose to be having a discussion, a reason to offer his focus and attention to someone who isn't necessarily close to him. He's a terrible party guest, really, it's why he so very much hates attending them.

He winks at his husband, the corners of his lips quirking. "You're an excellent boss, you know."

Spencer turns his attention back to the phone, smile widening at the way Joel pokes it with his bare foot. He focuses on the oddest things sometimes, though maybe it's only odd because he's never had anyone to focus on before; but sometimes he'll just find his mind drifting as he watches the way Joel slips a cardigan on and adjusts it so the drape is just to his liking or the concentration Joel will give to a book he's reading or how he tries to hide his tears at a particular routine on his dance show. Joel doesn't try as hard to hide it now, Spencer's seen and wiped away the tears on his cheeks more than a few times now, and it's not like he minds. It's endearing, it's adorable, he loves that his husband--who'd been so well known by so many people in this town as the reclusive, brooding bookshop owner who doesn't get out much--is so sensitive to a dance show, to something Spencer might have otherwise found trivial but now thinks is so very important because it's important to his husband.

He snaps himself out of his thoughts because he remembers they're talking about potential surrogate options here, and he nods quickly. "Let's look," he says, suddenly nervous without really being able to put a finger on why. They haven't found anyone that's stood out as the right one yet, and Spencer imagines it's going to take much longer than maybe he'd hoped or thought to find that person, but it's been nice--albeit the slightest bit stressful--to go through it all with Joel. Once they do find their surrogate, it's going to be so utterly satisfactory.

He stays sunk into the couch as Joel gets up to fetch his laptop, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the arm of the sofa to get a little closer to the fire as he waits. "We're going to be parents," he muses, giving a slight, awed shake of his head. "We're married, and we're going to be parents, and we're going to have a family." He huffs out a short, incredulous laugh. "Sometimes I'm not even sure how we got to this point but-- but I'm happier than I've ever been so clearly we're doing something right."

"You only think I'm a good boss because I let you take extra long lunch breaks so you can mess around with your husband on the couch in the store," Joel answers with a low laugh and even though his cheeks are flushing at Spencer's words, he can't deny that he doesn't have a single complain about anything they did that day. Or any other day, really. He and Spencer don't have to do anything particularly special for him to enjoy their time together. Even just sitting on the couch or lying up in bed is more than enough to make Joel happy. Sometimes, after Spencer has already fallen asleep, Joel delights in the simple act of just lying there with him. He'll set his own book aside, put his glasses on the table and turn off the light, and in the dark, listening to Spencer breathing steadily behind him, he'll think of where his life was just six months ago. He'll think of that, of how often he'd fall asleep on the couch with his reading light left on and his glasses perched on his nose, he'll think about the fact that the only interaction he'd had after eight at night was with his cat, he'll think of all the things he was missing and realize he never has to miss any of them again.

Before he gets up to grab his computer, he presses a quick kiss to Spencer's cheek, then sinks back down against him when he returns. He always does that, he realizes; he always sits as close to Spencer as he possibly can without sitting right on him and Joel doesn't think Spencer minds at all. It's just comfortable, feeling the weight and warmth of his thigh pressed against Joel's, always knowing he's right there.

He opens the laptop, balancing it on his knees as he opens his e-mail program and pulls up the latest message from the agency. There are several options listed and, as always when he reads these e-mails, his heart begins to pound. He likes that the agency includes a survey they've taken with each potential candidate, because Joel feels a little more comfortable knowing more about them before they even begin to consider who their options might be. He likes knowing whether or not the woman they're considering enjoys reading and maybe that's judgmental of him, but he's thought about it a lot and he's realized that they're potentially going to be spending a lot of time with this woman for at least nine months, but likely longer, depending on how long it takes her to conceive. Having someone they both get along with is something Joel considers incredibly important.

"We're going to be parents," he agrees with a soft laugh, scrolling through the list. "Oh, this woman is a lawyer." He reads the details of her life and then wrinkles his nose a little. "She's also something of a daredevil, it seems. Rock climbing, hang gliding, bungee jumping." That's all well and good, he doesn't care if someone else chooses to do something like that and he's not sure if traits like that are actually genetic, but he thinks he might have a real heart attack if any child of theirs came home and announced that he or she was going to jump off an airplane tens of thousands of feet in the air.

At least there are several options, though, and as he bypasses the daredevil lawyer, he opens another link that leads them to a picture of a pretty blonde woman in her early thirties. Joel likes the look of her at least and he realizes they can't pick a surrogate based on how she looks, but when he glances over at Spencer he sees similarities between the two of them. The same strong jaw and sharp cheekbones and although Joel hasn't been actively looking for someone who looks like either of them, he's beginning to think there might be a benefit to that. Whether he or Spencer end up being the biological father really doesn't matter to him, but he'd like the baby to at least look like one of them. "She's very pretty," he says. "I mean... I know it's more than that, but she... well. She's pretty."

"Admittedly, it does help that you do that, I should get you a mug. Or one of those little Oscar figurines. Do I get Best Boss or Best Husband, though, it would be a terrible struggle to figure that out so I suppose I should just keep on showing you my appreciation the way I have been." Spencer delights in the growing flush in Joel's cheeks, not because he particularly enjoys goading his husband--though it's often quite fun--but because it's just another way of being reminded that he truly has an impact on someone. With just a few words, some murmured phrases, he's been able to render Joel speechless; with his vows, he'd made Joel cry; and just by sitting here, he's seen the sheer love and affection in Joel's eyes that he once wouldn't have thought he'd ever be on the receiving end of because there hadn't been anyone he'd want to give that particular look to in the first place.

There are times when they've been in bed that Spencer, in that strange limbo between awake and asleep with his head on his husband's chest, has felt Joel simply lean down to give his forehead a gentle kiss. It's a small gesture, but it's also one that Joel assumes isn't noticed because Spencer's eyes have fallen shut and his breathing has slowed to something steadier. Anyone is capable of a grand, sweeping gesture; but sometimes it's those small moments, the ones that they'll only ever share together, that affect Spencer the most. He's never had anyone to share something like that with, after all, and the fact that he shares them now with the man he's going to be with for the rest of his life, with his husband, is something that Spencer hopes he never stops thinking is remarkable.

By the time he's shaken himself from his thoughts, Joel's already sitting back down on the couch with his laptop in tow. Spencer drapes his arm over Joel's shoulders, reveling in the added warmth his husband's body offers as the flames still crackle on the hearth. He hears Huxley let out a little sigh as he yawns, readjusting himself near the fire and resting his head on his paws before closing his eyes again, and Spencer smiles, perfectly content in this moment. They're going to have a child someday but right now, this is their family. The only missing member is Balto, but Spencer would never dare discount her even if she's been turning her back on him a little more than usual since Huxley's arrival. Still, they're family and it's no longer strange to come home to a household full of life and activity and love after two and a half long years of lonely silence.

He focuses his attention back on the surrogate options the agency has sent and wrinkles his nose at the mention of the lawyer with the fondness for extreme sports. He's sure she's a lovely woman, her eyes are bright and kind in the photo offered, but he's relieved when Joel seems to agree and opens up the next option. His first thought is that she looks lovely. There's a warmth in her big, blue doe eyes that makes him relax against his husband's side, and Spencer rests his head on Joel's shoulder as his husband says what he's thinking. "Mm, do I need to grow my hair out longer and dye it a bit lighter?" he teases. He knows very well that Joel doesn't mean it that way, and the issue of jealousy isn't really something they've discussed at length but the fact of the matter is that Spencer trusts Joel more than anyone. He doesn't worry that Joel's going to find someone better or more attractive or younger or any of those things because he knows how much Joel loves him. It's the kind of certainty he knows some people only wish for, the kind of certainty that isn't present in so many relationships, and he's beyond grateful that it exists between him and Joel. Granted, if anyone were to try to be anything more than innocently flirtatious with his husband, Spencer thinks he'd more than likely end up seeing red; but it certainly wouldn't be Joel on the receiving end of his anger.

He presses a kiss to Joel's neck just to reaffirm that he's joking before returning his attention to the photo. "I like her smile," he says. "And her eyes, they remind me of my dad's and Dane's. My mom, she had brown eyes like me, but my brother and father, they just-- I remember being so fascinated as a child by how bright my dad's eyes were." He pulls away a bit to smile at Joel, to let him know these are memories that aren't going to end with him in tears. "Plus, it says she enjoys reading and she's originally from Canada. Both very good signs, I know a man who has qualities like that and letting him into my life turned out to be a very good decision for me."

Joel grunts at Spencer's response and his cheeks have flushed a little deeper, because the second he says she's pretty, he does find himself wondering what Spencer might think. She is very pretty, her eyes big and blue, but so much of what appeals to him in her face are the things that remind him of Spencer. Maybe it's not close enough that they could be related, but of everyone they've looked at so far, she looks more like either of them than anyone else. It might not be important in the end, that she share some of their features, he knows that. It's more important to find someone whose personality they like, someone they get along with, but he still likes looking at her and then looking over at Spencer, comparing them.

"You have the same cheekbones," he says, leaning over to press another kiss against Spencer's skin, right in the hollow of his cheek. But it's more than that and he settles down again, looking at her profile, catching sight of the little facts Spencer brings up and he smiles when he says she's originally from Canada. That's unexpected and it's not that she's from anywhere near where Joel was born and raised, but it's still a nice connection he wouldn't have thought they might have.

"Are all Canadians going to receive preferential treatment from you because of me?" he asks with a teasing grin. "Because I can promise you, many of them won't deserve it." Which he doesn't think applies to the woman they're looking at now, but Joel knows there's nowhere in the world without its share of cruel people.

"Oh, she's a professor," he adds, glancing down the list of information about her. "She's married, she already has two children of her own." The fact that surrogacy agencies prefer women who have their own children had surprised him, but the man he'd spoken with on the phone had explained it fairly simply. They prefer knowing the woman can not only carry a healthy child to term, but that they're not going to get attached in an inappropriate way, which they've found happens rarely with women who are already mothers. It's something Joel had been thinking about almost constantly from the moment they had decided to do this. He was terrified they'd find the perfect surrogate, only to have her want to keep the baby in the end, and he's still faintly nervous about that, but he's also learned a lot during his research. There will be a lawyer involved, a contract signed, legal options for them to explore if such a thing were to happen, but the agency has also assured him such conflicts are rare.

Sometimes the profiles they receive feel a bit intrusive, but he supposes he understands. They're filled with medical information, both physical and mental, and he shifts a little, glancing down the list, because it all feels so personal. But at the same time it's good to know her family is healthy. Her parents are still alive and with relatively few health problems. She has no health problems of her own. "She's a swimmer," he says, feeling oddly pleased with that. He's not all that good about getting a lot of exercise, but he does swim regularly and he's excited to teach their child to do the same.

He ducks his head to hide his pleased smile at Joel's comment that he and the surrogate have the same cheekbones. It means something to him, that Joel would spot those similar traits in qualities in someone who could help them have a child, because Spencer can't deny that he absolutely wants their baby to look like at least one of them. When he thinks that their child could share traits reminiscent of them both, it just makes him think of what Eleanor had said--he and Joel would make beautiful babies. He's not so arrogant as to call himself especially good-looking--he still thinks he's probably far too tall and far too gawky for his own good--but Joel appreciates his aesthetic and that's all that really matters. Besides that, it's not as if what their baby looks like is going to have any bearing whatsoever on how much they love him or her; but he has to admit that the idea of a dark, curly-haired baby with honey-colored eyes whose smile would brighten the room would absolutely not be something Spencer would be opposed to.

"They'll receive preferential treatment upon your approval," Spencer amends with an amused chuckle, "because it's not as if there are as many or more deserving Americans." They've both come across their fare share of people who don't even deserve a second thought or look from either of them but, as Spencer knows quite well, sometimes there's just no avoiding letting those same people under their skin. He hopes that ten years from now, fifteen years from now, twenty years from now, he won't have to explain to their children why people still avoid him on the streets or why sometimes they get nasty mail dropped off on his birthday. He hopes that in that span of time, the people of this town will have long forgotten that Spencer Waters had been accused of killing his own family--even if he never will--and that there won't be any unfriendly reminders that pop up from time to time. If it's going to happen, he'd prefer for it to happen sooner than later because he can take it now. He can take it as a married man. He's not so sure he could take it as a father.

He leans forward, squinting at the screen as he gets closer and briefly thinking that he ought to have brought his glasses downstairs with him before nodding along with what Joel reads out from her listed information. She sounds ideal, as far as he can tell, and it's not like he wants to jump right into this and declare that she's most certainly the right surrogate for them but he feels a flare of excitement that manifests itself as a wide smile.

"I like her," he decides. He likes that she has a family of her own because he thinks that means she must understand what it's like to want one. He likes that he keeps being drawn back to those warm, blue eyes that seem to call to him even through the computer screen. He likes that she's a professor, that her biggest vice is chocolate, that she reads and swims and enjoys the beach, that her family has a German Shepherd, that she's healthy. "It helps that she's willing to carry for same-sex couples." He bites down on his lip, fingers tapping on Joel's shoulder as he looks up at his husband.

"I like her," he says again, leaning back against the couch. "Maybe-- I know we're not in a big rush, I know that, but maybe it would be worth meeting with her? Just to see what she's like in person?" He knows that what they see in this profile and what they find in real life may not quite add up, but Spencer doesn't see the harm in at least taking the chance.

Joel knows their prescriptions aren't exactly the same, but they're close enough that when Spencer squints at the computer, he untangles his glasses from his hair where they sit atop his head, and offers them to Spencer. He should be wearing them himself right now, but he's always been so terrible at remembering to put them on when he needs them and he'd rather Spencer be able to see anyway. Besides, there's something he likes about seeing his husband wearing his glasses. He doesn't know what it is, couldn't explain it if asked, but the first time Spencer had blindly groped for his glasses and had come up with Joel's instead had been so sweet that now Joel takes particular pleasure in seeing Spencer wearing them. Even if it's only for a moment, just to read some fine print or to type some numbers into their accounting spreadsheets, it never fails to make Joel smile.

And he's smiling, too, at the suggestion that they meet with her, because he's been thinking the same thing. There's no rush, just like Spencer has said, but this is the first potential surrogate they've looked at that he's felt excited about. Maybe it'll all fall down around them once they meet her in person, but they have to at least set that up before they'll know for certain. It's worth the risk anyway. They might have to go through countless meetings before they find the right person and Joel doesn't want to miss her just because they're nervous.

"We should meet her," he says with a nod, pulling up the e-mail so he can respond with her profile number and the information that he and Spencer would like to meet with her. He does it quickly, before he can second guess himself, then sends the response to the agency. They'll set up the meeting and they've warned him it might take a few weeks to make the schedules work, but Joel is fine to wait. He just needs to know he's done his part, he's made the request and now it's in the agency's hands.

For a moment longer he just looks at his computer, then closes it and leans forward to set it on the coffee table. Turning, he huffs out a soft laugh, looking at Spencer with something bordering on wonder. It feels so right to be here with him, so natural, and yet Joel knows he couldn't be further from where he thought he had been so comfortable not that long ago. His life has changed more than he ever would have imagined it. He's gone from happily spending his evenings alone in a store that was mostly struggling to succeed to being married and spending his nights with the most amazing person he's ever known, the person who's helping the store finally make its way.

"Was it really only May that I met you?" he asks, his voice soft as he shifts on the couch so he can rest against Spencer's side, his head on his shoulder. "How is that possible when I feel like you've been here all along?" He gets distracted sometimes in the store by the music he plays, the way even songs sound different now that he understands why people write music at all. There had been a song the other day, one from an artist he'd picked up on a whim, an album he doesn't even really know, but he'd stood there in the store, stunned to immobility, listening to the words -- I know you before you were born -- because it's how he feels. The idea of knowing Spencer, having known him forever, it's one that sits well with him.

Spencer takes the glasses now without much thought, but it'll be lying in bed later with his cheek pressed against Joel's shoulder and an arm draped over Joel's stomach that he'll realize it's become second nature to just accept whatever his husband offers to him. He's always met that sort of thing--lending, gift-giving, anything that has to do with someone outside of his family giving him something--with a bit of skepticism because it's been his experience that people don't give unless there's something they want to get. It had been that way all through high school, people would approach him initially with kindness, with a friendly tone, only to end the conversation with a question of whether he'd help them with their homework or do their papers for them or tutor them in this or that.

When it comes to things like this, like his husband handing him his own glasses without a word because he knows what Spencer needs--just like he always does--Spencer has stopped questioning any of it. He hadn't questioned it from the beginning, really, which he'd never stopped to think too much on before because there hadn't been a reason to do such a thing. Later tonight, though, it'll make him smile and press a kiss to his husband's side because there's nobody else in this world that he'll ever trust as easily and as blindly as he does Joel. As for the present moment, he's far too distracted by getting a better look at the surrogate's profile before peering at Joel over the rim of the glasses now perched on his nose.

He's relieved that they're on the same page about meeting her, not that he would have expected any different, and he bounces a knee until Joel's done sending the e-mail to the agency. He stares at the computer even after Joel sets it down, as if there's going to be some giant speech bubble that pops out of it with an immediate rejection from the agency because even in the face of something incredible, Spencer's gut instinct is to assume the worst. He's working on it, on the expectations of disappointment, and it's easy to stop seeming like such a pessimist when Joel brings him so much joy every day of their lives together; but sometimes it still sneaks in during the times he needs to keep it at bay most. Letting himself let go--at least a little bit--of his pain and be happy have been both the easiest and most difficult things he's ever had to do, but he looks at the man who's cozying up against his side now and that's all he needs to know every second of the last few months have been worth it.

He smiles softly at the question, and it's amazing every time he thinks about it how short of a time they've really been together. Beyond that, it's been a short period of time that they've known each other because as Joel had said, they'd met in May. Four months and a day, that's how long it's been since the Hydra had torn through the town and Joel had saved his life for the first time. "That makes it a hundred and twenty-four days," he says, wrapping an arm around Joel's waist. "And we've been married for twenty-two of them."

If anyone were to ask what he'd change or if he has any regrets about their time together, Spencer would say nothing, none. He hates that they'd had to go through what they did with Mark Fuller, hates that he'd walked out of that lighthouse with a fear that has yet to fully escape him and that Joel had been forced to relive his past; and he hates that they'd been put through such madness and pain on that island; but everything they've been through together has brought them here. They're sitting on their couch in their home by their fireplace along with their dog, and they've just put in a request to meet a potential surrogate of their future child. He wouldn't have imagined that such a domestic moment would bring him such bliss but right now, he feels like there's next to nothing that could bring him down from this excellent mood.

"Feels like it's been forever," he agrees after a beat, eyes cast down at their feet that have somehow found themselves intertwined. He still doesn't bother to wish they'd met sooner because he knows they'd met exactly when they were supposed to, not because it had been fate--though Spencer hasn't ruled that out--but because they'd both been at a point in their lives where this relationship had simply been right, even if neither of them had necessarily been looking for it. "It's going to be forever now but you-- You just blow me away. Every single day, I love you more. I don't suspect that will ever stop."

"It better not," Joel answers with a huff of laughter, though he's truly not worried about such a thing. There are so few people in his life he's ever really trusted to be there when he needs them, so few people who have his unwavering loyalty, but they do exist. His family, Lara and now Raleigh. But even those relationships can't compare to the trust and faith he puts in Spencer. Joel knows some might describe it as blind, given the extent to which he really does trust Spencer, but he doesn't believe it to be so. To call it such suggests there's no reason for it, no basis, but Spencer has given him every reason to trust him, he's given him every reason to believe that they'll be in this exact position ten years from now, Huxley much older, Balto likely gone, a child -- or possibly two -- asleep upstairs or doing homework in the kitchen. So he says that Spencer better not stop loving him, but he says it with a laugh, because he knows how he feels. He knows he'll never stop feeling this and if what Spencer feels is even a fraction of this, Joel knows they're going to be happy for a very, very long time.

"I'd never really understood it before," he admits. "That idea of having known someone long before you've ever actually met. It seemed like a fairy tale, like a silly, lovestruck fantasy." And maybe it is, maybe people say it because there's nothing else to describe the enormity of the feelings they have, but even so, Joel understands it now. He feels like there had been a part of him reserved for Spencer for as long as he's been alive and he almost laughs at himself. For so long he'd thought the idea of fate was such a stupid one and he still doesn't believe that the choices people make aren't important, but there are some things that can't be avoided. That shouldn't be avoided.

"I get it now," he says, turning on the couch so he can see Spencer and then he reaches up, gently taking his glasses off his husband's nose. He's never been very careful with them and he tosses them blindly at the coffee table where they skitter over the top of his computer and then fall to the floor on the other side, but he doesn't notice. Or if he does, he doesn't care. Instead he plants his hands on either side of Spencer's hips and drags himself up a little so he can kiss his husband, a slow, warm kiss he's been waiting for all night.

His parents are out and he doesn't think Raleigh is home either, but even if they weren't entirely alone, there's nothing that could stop him from kissing Spencer now. This is how he wants to end every night for the rest of his life, feeling the warmth of his husband's lean frame under him -- or over him, or beside him, he's certainly not picky -- and relaxing into a kiss. The arrival of a child is going to change things, he knows that, he's not foolish enough to think everything will carry on exactly as it does right now, so he's determined to take advantage of all their alone time now to the fullest extent he can.

Shifting around, he reaches down to hook one arm around Spencer's waist so he can pull him onto the couch. So he can stretch out if he wants to, so Joel can lower himself on top of him. And he knows there's no privacy right here, but nothing more than this needs to happen until they can get upstairs. Right now he's perfectly content to stretch out on top of Spencer and kiss him until they either can't take it anymore or they're interrupted. He breaks the kiss briefly, just long enough to smile down at Spencer, long enough to look at him, trace the line of his jaw with his gaze before he follows it with his mouth, pressing soft kisses against his skin.

Spencer is very familiar with silly, lovestruck fantasies, at least he's read enough about them in books over the years to have had a vague understanding of what they're supposed to be like. He'd never really bought into the idea of soulmates, of the One, of the one person who fills a void in the heart like nobody else can. Of course, the very reason he hadn't believed any of that is because he hadn't found Joel yet.

What the stories seem to leave out, though, aside from the good old-fashioned 'happily ever after' tag, is that finding that one person would make him dizzy with happiness every single day; that every time he looks at Joel, he'd feel a distinct sense of having done something right, of making the best decision of his life. The stories couldn't have prepared him for this, it isn't just love and it isn't just happiness, they aren't mutually exclusive when it comes to this man. Without Joel, he'd feel empty. Something would be missing. It's amazingly simple and yet so incredibly complex, and that's exactly why Spencer can never quite make himself form the proper words, even now, to explain it.

He lets Joel lay him down against the couch, smiling lazily up at his husband as his eyes flutter shut and he sighs into the kiss. He's heard of people losing that spark, losing the passion that keeps a marriage alive, and it's not even something he'd considered before he and Joel had run off to Wilton to be married. There's no fear of that here, Spencer can't imagine ever being opposed to the idea of kissing Joel, of being touched by Joel, of merely being looked at by Joel. The way his husband looks at him always makes Spencer feel like he's the only one who matters, reassures him--even though he doesn't need to be reassured in the first place--that Spencer will always be the only person Joel will ever love like this. When Joel looks at him, Spencer feels nothing but surrounded entirely by love.

He loses himself in the kiss, hands resting on Joel's waist before sliding up his shirt to trail over his ribs, and Spencer knows very well that while they're alone now, Joel's parents or Raleigh could walk in at any moment; but he can't bring himself to care, not when his husband is tracing his tonuge over Spencer's bottom lip and kissing up his jaw, and he lets out a completely undignified moan at the feel of Joel's beard rubbing over his skin. He arches his neck back, along with his back, though the latter is more involuntary. Joel so often likes to credit Spencer with being the one in control, but Spencer doesn't think his husband realizes just how much power he really holds when they're in a position like this.

Spencer hadn't known that he's a little bit ticklish at even the lightest squeeze of his hip; he hadn't known that the flick of a tongue at the sensitive skin behind his earlobe would send a shiver through him every single time; he hand't known that he'd be rendered speechless by lips trailing down his jawline like Joel's still are now. He hadn't known any of these things until Joel had discovered them, and it's only a small fraction of the many different ways Joel makes him feel so incredible. They know each other in ways nobody else could, it's an unmatched physical and mental connection that some people obsess over finding for most of their lives. He has it here, with this man, with one man; and he'll take whatever Joel wants to give him for as long as this life lets them be together.

He threads his fingers through Joel's curls, tugging lightly as he shifts so his legs are wrapped around Joel's waist. "I get it now, too," he murmurs, and he's sure Joel doesn't need to hear it to know it but Spencer thinks that sometimes it's nice just to be told these things. "All this time, I thought I was... meant to be alone. But I know the truth now. I was just waiting for you."

"I'm sorry you had to wait so long," Joel murmurs, his lips curved into a smile as he nuzzles against the underside of Spencer's jaw and breathes in the scent of him. The memory of passing through this room to get the bottle of whiskey before they moved to drinking it in the library comes to him them and he smiles, trying to imagine what he would have thought at the time if someone had told him that less than six months later he'd be lying on the couch across the room with Spencer pinned under him. He would have turned red, he's sure, sputtered out some excuse for why such a thing would be impossible, all the while trying desperately not to get his hopes up because even when he'd wanted this. He remembers that night so clearly despite the amount of whiskey he had to drink. He remembers Spencer asking Joel to read him, to read his aura and he doesn't even have to try anymore. Like his own, it's become second nature. He can see it in a second, in a simple shift of his gaze. The energy that makes up Spencer, the column that exists between them, seeing it is easier than breathing.

But he remembers sitting close to Spencer, too, close enough to smell him; the whiskey on his breath and the scent of old books in his hair and he remembers wanting to reach forward to cup Spencer's cheek. It had been so hard to resist, a physical pain that begged him to do it, to just reach out and touch him, and so Joel does it now. Shifting on the couch, on top of Spencer, in the crook of his legs, he lifts his hand and cups Spencer's cheek, his fingers stroking the skin of his neck gently. It was the only thing he wanted to do that night and now he's here, now he can reach over and cup Spencer's cheek whenever he wants and Joel makes a silent promise to himself to never take that for granted.

He lifts his head again so he can look at Spencer, resting his weight on his other arm now, his thumb sweeping over his cheek. "You know what's great about this?" he asks, pressing closer to brush his lips over Spencer's chin, then his lower lip, a light, teasing touch. "This is our house, so even if my parents come home, they're the ones who should be embarrassed for walking in on us during an intimate moment." He doubts they actually would be embarrassed, he's sure he'd still be the one to jump up, his face flushed, trying desperately to pretend he hadn't just been lying on top of his husband, but it's a nice thought. His father would just continue to talk about whatever it was he'd been talking about before they entered the room and his mother would look at them knowingly, an eyebrow arched while Joel blushed and stammered. While they both did, he's sure.

"That's probably not how it would work, is it?" he asks, although he's distracted again by the smooth skin of Spencer's cheek, the light dusting of stubble along his jaw and Joel ducks his head, following that with his lips again. They trace a path up toward Spencer's ear where he bites down gently on his earlobe, a smile still curving the corners of his mouth because he loves this. He loves just lying here, taking the opportunity to kiss his husband, to take his time with him, because there's really no rush. There's no reason for them to run upstairs, there's nowhere they have to be and even if they did have plans, Joel thinks he'd be more than happy to forget about them in favour of this. They so rarely get the house to themselves, they've had to find ways to be creative quietly, though they often take advantage of the empty apartment above the store during their lunch hours, and Joel likes this. He likes just lying here, the only ones around.

"No," he continues, only partly aware he's still speaking, his breath warm against Spencer's ear. "No, I'd be the one to get embarrassed. Like I'm still a teenager instead of a married man." He wonders if he'll ever stop feeling like a kid when he's around his parents. He doesn't necessarily mind it, but he wonders if that's just part a life. If never quite feeling like a grown up when his parents are around is something everyone experiences.

"It was worth it," he answers without hesitation, and he says it with a bit of a dopey smile but he means it with all his heart. They're simple words, but they're so remarkably full of truth. Joel had been worth the wait, worth every second of loneliness he's ever felt because this is what had been waiting for him. This life, that he couldn't have anticipated or even asked for because he wouldn't have been able to imagine it to be something he could ever call his own, everything he has here and now and with his husband--all of it had been worth that wait.

There are days when he'll be tidying their room and find something that reminds him of how far they've come since that day they'd met. The other day, he'd found his copy of Blood Meridian buried among a pile of books at the foot of their bed, the one that he'd hid under his pillow that day Joel had come to see him after what had happened with Mark. He'd been desperate for anything that would keep Joel in his mind, not that he would have been able to think of much else aside from the lighthouse at the time, because in spite of everything, Joel's still the only person who'd ever made him feel so safe. The sheer relief he'd felt the moment Joel had walked through the door in the lighthouse, he remembers it so clearly even though he tries to push thoughts of that night out of his mind as often as he can, but it had been from the first time Joel had spent the night in his bed that Spencer had understood with perfectly clarity just how much he truly needed this man.

He's been in love with Joel since day one, he knows that now even if he hadn't allowed himself to admit it then, but there's been no holding back since Midsummer's Eve. It had been so easy that night, saying the words, and he doesn't know if it was the sparks of magic between Joel's fingertips and his skin or finding out about the column that connects them in their auras that had made it so, but whatever it had been, Spencer's grateful for it. They would have found their way to exchanging the words eventually no matter what, but that night... Magical just barely begins to describe it.

"No, I don't suppose it would be," he says, laughing in spite of how distracted he is by the gentle touch of Joel's thumb on his cheek. "You can take comfort in the fact that I'd be just as embarrassed. Cheeks flaming, sweat pouring down my face, nervous stuttering, the whole nine yards." He's never had much of an opportunity to get caught in a compromising position by his mother, not that it sounds particularly desirable, but he'd had the unforunate experience of walking in on his brother once. He'd managed to spin on his heels and slam the door back shut before seeing anything that might have scarred him for life, but Dane had been very adamant about establishing a knocking rule from that day forward.

He and Joel don't quite have the luxury of that rule right now, not when they're wrapped up in each other on the couch, but Spencer isn't worried. If he's honest, Spencer's enjoying that they have this time to themselves without having to be aware of anyone else's presence in the house. It's rare that the two of them are home alone because their schedules are fairly on par with Raleigh's, and it's not that he's resentful about that in any way, it just happens to be nice when the timing works out like this. He's spent many nights accompanied only by a book and a glass of whiskey on this very couch, oblivious to how incredible his life would be once Joel walked into it.

He tilts his head forward so he can press a kiss to the hollow of Joel's throat, pushing himself up on his elbows so he can graze his teeth over the side of Joel's neck. "On second thought," he says, tone light as he smiles against Joel's skin, "maybe I don't care about any of that right now. Like you said, it's our house. We can do whatever we'd like." That could consist of anything from Spencer resting his head in Joel's lap and drifting off to sleep to the soothing sound of Joel reading aloud from a book to the both of them taking their clothes off and making love by the fire. Whatever they choose is of no particular consequence to Spencer because all that matters to him is that they do it together. "Would you be more or less embarrassed if we were caught playing strip book trivia? Which I'm not sure is a thing that exists but we could certainly change that."

"Isn't the point of games like that to take off your clothes?" he asks with a soft laugh, a puff of air that ghosts over Spencer's temple as he tilts his head to give his husband better access to his throat. It's such an intimate, trusting gesture, one he makes without thought because he's never trusted anyone the way he trusts Spencer and baring the more vulnerable parts of his body to him has become second nature. Because where someone else might strike, Spencer's touch is always loving, always exactly what Joel wants in that moment because Spencer knows him better than anyone else ever possibly could.

"If you and I were to play strip book trivia we'd only end up taking our clothes off because we're so turned on by each others' knowledge," he continues, his eyes closed, a pleased smile still curving his lips. That doesn't actually sound like a half-bad plan, but he's still amused as he tries to imagine the two of them outdoing each other with all the little facts they know about books. Between the two of them, he's fairly certain they have an entire library's worth of information, although he's willing to bet Spencer knows far more than he does. Joel knows a lot about a few select subjects -- witchcraft, history, psychology and music -- but Spencer seems to know something about everything and he loves that. He loves knowing he can spend all day trying to come up with the right word for something and the moment he describes what he's trying to say to Spencer, he knows. He loves trying to remember some study and being able to pick up the phone and call Spencer to get the answer within minutes. His husband is brilliant and the extent of his intelligence only makes Joel love him more.

"Actually, I take it back, you'd probably win," he murmurs, his hand sliding down from Spencer's face to hook two fingers in the collar of his shirt. He pulls it aside just enough to press a kiss to the edge of Spencer's collarbone and then his hand continues its path down his chest until he reaches the hem of his shirt and he can slide his fingers up and under, splaying them against Spencer's warm skin. He kisses Spencer's jaw again, then his cheek, then his temple as he murmurs, "You have so much stored up here. You'd win in a second."

But he'd be happy to lose. And, really, any game that consists of the two of them undressing is a win-win situation no matter what. Joel doubts either of them would find any reason to complain and he smiles as a shiver slides down his spine even at the simple thought of them competing in any way that ends with either -- or both, which is preferable -- naked.

"Strip Trivial Pursuit," he says with another laugh, his hand sliding up higher under Spencer's shirt. All his movements are slow, almost lazy, and he's very much enjoying just lying there on the couch with Spencer, able to take as much time in the world as he wants to simply kiss him and touch him. With the store and trying to get Raleigh's bakery in order, they haven't had a lot of time to relax and even Joel, who's been a bit of an insomniac for most of his life, has found himself falling into bed most nights and sleeping deeply until morning. Though that's happened more and more often since he's begun spending the night with Spencer. He still falls asleep a little later, but he falls asleep easier now and he stays asleep, too. They've only spent one night apart since Joel had come to Spencer's house that day and he'd barely slept at all, which he knows has everything to do with just how comfortable he's gotten being able to reach over and curl his arm around Spencer in the dark.

"Strip Clue," he murmurs, his lips brushing against Spencer's skin. He's still smiling, his eyes closed, and he knows he's being silly now, coming up with strip versions of any game he can think of, but he's just so comfortable, so happy. "You'd lose that. I've never lost a game of Clue in my life."

"I'm not sure it's actually losing even if I lose," he retorts, though his breath hitches on the last word because he wants to shiver every time Joel's fingertips brush over his skin, every time Joel's lips tickle his collarbone as he speaks, and he circles a finger around his husband's belly button before letting his finger slide down the trail of hair below his navel to the waistband of Joel's jeans. He taps the button there before pulling his hand back, grinning wickedly as he simply rests his hand on Joel's back. "We could play strip anything, really. Strip Parcheesi, doesn't that sound like fun?"

What he'd really like is to strip Joel right now and that sparks an idea that makes him laugh to himself. "We could play it so that we have to strip each other. I lose at Clue, you get to strip me. So really, it's like you're winning twice." It never ceases to amaze him how easy it is to fall into this playful, teasing mode with Joel. It doesn't necessarily surprise him anymore because Joel seems to make everything he'd once found difficult far easier now, but he can't remember a time when he'd smiled so widely or laughed so hard between the death of his family and meeting Joel.

Spencer's never been fond of going out and spending time with a wider group of people, he doesn't like parties and only ever goes to things like charity or fundraiser events because he feels guilty declining the invitation; so it means something important to him that they can just fall onto the couch together and make each other this happy, without the bother of loud music or the chatter of other people. He much prefers being alone with his husband than having to share him, and Spencer knows that's selfish but the thing is, he's spent most of his life believing in... well, not much of anything at all, really. Joel gives him something to believe in, love and a good life and a real future. So he thinks he's allowed to be selfish once in awhile, at least for as long as his husband is willing to be here.

"I think," he starts, pausing to press a gentle kiss over each of Joel's eyelids, "that what would really happen is you'd let me win because you'd know I'd make it worth your while." He glances up at the doorway where he can see through to the empty hall and bites down on his lip in contemplation for only a few seconds before shifting so he can slowly reach for the hem of Joel's shirt and tug. They don't need to go as far as they would if they were in their own bed, but the desire to get rid of that layer of clothing that keeps him from his husband's bare skin is strong enough that he doesn't care whether someone walks in right now or not.

He pulls the shirt over Joel's head, letting out a ridiculous giggle when one sleeve gets twisted around Joel's wrist before Spencer finally tosses it to the floor. "I just need to feel you," he says softly, offering an explanation Joel hadn't asked for, but he glides his hands up the planes of Joel's back as he flicks his tongue out at the space between Joel's neck and shoulder. He presses a kiss to the same spot, trailing his lips down the slope and bringing his other hand up to massage gently at the back of Joel's neck. "I'm glad that we get to be alone tonight. That we can take our time. When you touch me like this, it's-- I don't know. I love it. I love you."

There's a brief moment where Joel thinks maybe he should protest or suggest they move to their bedroom if they're going to start taking their clothes off, but then Spencer is laughing and smoothing his hands over Joel's skin and it doesn't seem to matter anymore. A soft sigh escapes him at the feel of Spencer's hands and his lips and tongue. Every movement is so slow, so weighted in love and comfort, and Joel smiles, the expression slow and lazy, and he just nods his agreement, because he's so pleased, too. It's so nice to just lie here with him, to feel his hands on his skin, to know that they have the entire house to themselves for the time being. Huxley is all but passed out in front of the fire and Joel knows the puppy will need to go outside again a little later, but for now he's fast asleep and there's nothing else that needs their attention, nothing that can distract Joel from spending all this time pouring his energy into being with Spencer.

"So am I," he murmurs, ducking his head to press another kiss to Spencer's throat as he pushes his shirt up further. He can feel Spencer's skin against his now and a little shiver licks its way up his spine, goosebumps chasing across his shoulders. "It's nice to just be here with you." It's not just that, it's not just getting a chance to touch and kiss Spencer because he does that every day and as much as Joel loves it -- and he does, he'll never take that for granted either -- this is different somehow. He's never thought of himself as a particularly busy person, but lately they've both had a lot on their plates and it's nice to just have the chance to lie here with Spencer.

He shifts on the couch, pushing Spencer's shirt up as far as he can without having to make Spencer raise his arms and he leans in again, pressing a slow kiss against Spencer's mouth, his lips parting and his tongue flicking out gently. A soft sigh escapes him and Joel knows he could spend all night doing just this. Just kissing Spencer, lying stretched out on top of him and Joel huffs out a soft laugh a moment later, adjusting his weight on top of Spencer as a shiver goes through him. The air in the living room is warm, but he can still feel a bit of a chill from having been outside and he's suddenly very aware of the fact that his shirt had been discarded on the floor.

"Tell me if I'm crushing you," he says, laughing as he presses kisses against Spencer's chin. He pushes the material of his shirt up a little further, ducking his head to press his mouth against Spencer's chest, a warm kiss that he follows with the tip of his tongue. The chances of him actually crushing Spencer are fairly slim, but he knows he outweighs his husband by more than just a little and he doesn't often think about putting his weight on Spencer; just does so without a thought because he loves so much the feeling of Spencer's weight on top of him. "Tell me if you can't feel your toes," he murmurs, still laughing as he lips brush over Spencer's nipple and he knows he's going to be terribly embarrassed if his parents or Raleigh suddenly come home and find them like this, but he also can't bring himself to stop. Not now, not when he can lazily roll his hips, rubbing himself against Spencer's thigh, not when he can taste his husband's skin under his lips and tongue. Not when he can hear every gentle hitch of his breath.

"I love you," he says, more of a sigh then anything as he rubs his cheek gently against Spencer's chest. "So much." It might have scared him at one point, knowing he was capable of this much, knowing he could feel this strongly, but it doesn't scare him now. It's perfect, it's right, it's exactly where they both should be, he trusts that with every last part of him.

"I know," he murmurs, brushing the back of his hand lightly up Joel's jawline, up the length of his beard. "I love you, too. More than anything, more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone." He squirms underneath the weight of his husband, but it's not with much effort and really only to prove what he says next. "For the record, you're not crushing me and my toes feel perfectly fine so fret not." He knows Joel had only been teasing, that's evident in the smile curving Spencer's lips, but he's amused because the thought hadn't even crossed his mind. Having Joel on top of him like this is heavenly, and they make love face-to-face often enough for this position to be quite familiar but the way Joel takes his time with him makes Spencer wish that they didn't have to spare any worry about someone walking through the front door tonight at all.

His shirt is bunched up to just below his neck, and he wants so badly to watch Joel kiss his way down his chest but then his husband's lips brush against his nipple and it's all Spencer can do to not wildly buck his hips. His muscles twitch under Joel's touch, and Spencer lets out a low, needy moan as he lets his head fall back against the arm of the couch. "You're exactly where I want you to be," he says breathlessly, tracing the fingers of one hand over Joel's shoulder blade and bringing the other up to thread through his curls. He's memorized the curves and arches and dips of Joel's body over and over again, knows the way they change and shift depending on what they're doing. He knows what the flickers in Joel's expressions means and for a man who's always kept so much to himself, Joel is incredibly expressive--or maybe Spencer only thinks so because he's learned to read the nuances.

Four months together has brought them closer than some people get in a year and for Spencer, that means so much more than being able to say they've been together some inordinate amount of time before getting married. They know what's right for them as things come, and he thinks a big part of that is due to the fact that they know this is forever. It may sound foolish or naive to some, but Spencer isn't worried about those people. He worries about much less now, in fact, than ever before and it's because Joel gives him so much to be happy about instead. Their love leaves no room for doubt, it's evident in every single touch and kiss and smile and look. The things they say to each other are meaningful and honest, there's never been a reason for Spencer to worry that one day, things between them might change.

This is forever. He's sure of it, he's been sure of it for what feels like forever now.

He watches Joel work his way further down his chest, smiling with affection as goosebumps rise on his skin and he twirls one of Joel's curls around his finger. "Do you remember the art festival?" he asks suddenly. That had been the day they'd made their plans for their first date, the one that had ended so awfully but had somehow still led to this, to the one thing that means more to Spencer than anything else in the world; but he remembers the day fondly for other reasons, and he gazes down at Joel as let out a soft laugh. "You came to my booth, you held my hand, and you told me that you liked me. And I just remember being so relieved because I would think about you all the time, I would go to work in the morning and wonder if you'd stop by again."

He shifts on the couch so he can prop himself on one elbow and lean forward to press his lips against Joel's, muscles straining in his back as he tilts his head to deepen the kiss and taking Joel's bottom lip gently between his teeth before pulling back. "I wanted so badly to kiss you that day. Every day. But I was so nervous and excited and nervous, I just-- I just think of that sometimes and then I think about where we are now, and I know. I know I'm never going to be happier than when I'm with you."

"I remember," Joel says with a laugh, a breath of air that puffs over Spencer's mouth that he follows with a soft trail of kisses, his lips moving over Spencer's lower lip and then his chin before he returns to press a kiss to the centre of his chest. "I remember the way you smiled at me when I approached the booth and it was like my heart was going to beat straight out of my chest." At the time he'd been so nervous, so overwhelmed by what he felt for Spencer, but looking back now, being here and being able to look back and talk about how he'd felt, it's one of the nicest things Joel thinks he's ever done. To trust Spencer so deeply now that he can tell him everything he'd been experiencing that day and that Spencer can do the same in return is a strangely exciting feeling. Looking back, knowing how he felt at the time, hearing that Spencer felt the same, it only reinforces the knowledge that they're supposed to be here, they were supposed to find each other.

"I wanted so badly to kiss you," he remembers, sliding one hand over Spencer's ribs, his fingers curling over his side so he can hold onto him as he drops soft kisses against his skin. They've come so far from that moment, from standing awkwardly on either side of the booth, Joel fighting the urge to just lean across and scatter the library card applications so he could properly kiss Spencer for the first time. Sometimes he wishes he had, just so their memory of their first real kiss wasn't tied up in the lighthouse and all the awful things Mark has done, but he knows he can't change the past. He can't change it and he thinks, with time, they're moving beyond it. They're making new and much better memories.

"I remember tucking back your hair," he continues, then laughs again. "God, Spencer, I wanted to do that since the day I met you. You would lean forward and your hair would fall around your face and I think I loved that before I even realized I was attracted to you. It was like the very sight of it made my hands itch to touch you and doing that... that took all my courage that day." That isn't entirely true, he'd been able to ask Spencer on a date, but at the time just reaching forward and using two of his fingers to push Spencer's hair behind his ear had felt like an enormous task, one he hadn't been quite sure he could manage because it had been something he'd wanted so badly. Such a small gesture, something that might not mean anything to someone else, but for Joel it had been everything he'd had in that moment. Every feeling, every need, every single desire and all of them had been Spencer's.

"I was so excited to be around you," he murmurs, shifting down the couch, his mouth tracing the line of Spencer's ribs one at a time, pressing tender kisses to his skin that he follows now and then with the tip of his tongue or the edge of his teeth. "Being near you made me feel like I could care about someone again and that it wasn't anything to be afraid of. That it could be exciting and scary and fun." He smiles, his lips curving against the skin just above Spencer's navel and his gaze flicks up, looking up the long line of Spencer's body. "I still feel that way."

They're quiet now, neither of them are shaking or nervous. They're married and it's different than it was that first day, there's no denying that, but it hasn't all changed. "I'm still excited to be around you. When I think about coming home and getting to see you, my heart still feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. When you smile at me I still feel like I'm nervous and fumbling and maybe a little idiotic over you. I think you'll probably turn me into something of an idiot for the rest of my life." And he's saying it all with a smile, because he can think of nothing he'd like more than that. To be so excited to see his husband every single day that he feels himself fumbling over words and being overwhelmed with emotion. That's all he wants out of life and with Spencer, that's exactly what he's going to get.

There's something satisfying about knowing that he and Joel had both been going through such similar turmoil, even though it also makes it all the more frustrating that they hadn't started their relationship sooner. He still can't say he has regrets about how it played out because every step has led them here, to being together on their couch in their home, to wearing the rings on their fingers and talking about meeting surrogates because they're doing this, they're going to have a baby. Four months ago, he hadn't even been thinking about the next day, much less far enough into the future to imagine what life is going to be like with a child involved.

There are things he would change if he could, if it meant they could still be here, but in contrast, he'd go through everything all over again for the same reason. To be married to a man so dedicated to making him happy, to have found someone he dedicates the very same thing to, it's not something he'd ever imagined for himself. He doubts that anyone who'd known him before he'd started his relationship with Joel would have imagined it for him, frankly, and he's been told that he deserves to be happy, that he deserves to find someone, but he honestly doesn't know in what possibly way he deserves Joel. Whatever it is, though, he's certainly glad to have done it.

"I think I turned about a hundred shades redder when you did that. I'll keep growing it back out and that way, you and the baby can play with my hair all you want," he says, grinning broadly as he brushes a hand through his locks. It's been three months since he'd cut it, and the reason for that isn't something he'll soon forget but every day makes things better. Every day with Joel makes things better, he thinks that's most evident in the fact that he's only had one full-blown panic attack since the incident at the lighthouse has occurred, and he hadn't been able to come down from it until Joel had come home to calm him down. He still feels terrible for Raleigh sometimes, that she'd had to see him that way, that he hadn't been able to help her with her own troubles she'd been having at the same time; but he's thankful to her all the same for knowing exactly who he'd needed. Nobody else can ground him the way Joel does, nobody.

"Joel," he says, his expression changing into something more serious, more urgent. He doesn't want the kisses or the flicks of Joel's tongue or the gentle grazes of his teeth to stop, but Spencer wants to say this while he's thinking of it. "The first time we did kiss, up in the lighthouse after-- I know that it wasn't exactly an ideal setting and sometimes I think about what it would have been like if we'd been able to keep that date. I pictured every moment, what we'd do when we got there. You'd hold my hand while we watched the movie on the boardwalk, but we wouldn't really have been watching because we'd be too busy catching each other's glances. So we'd sneak away, take a walk along the beach, and you'd kiss me under the stars, and it would be incredible. It would have been incredible. But that's why I kissed you back that night, it wasn't just because I was in pain or because I was afraid, it was because I needed to know that it was something we could do. I needed to feel what it was like to kiss you in case I never got to do it again."

His gaze flickers between Joel's, down to his chest that's flushed from the way Joel's been kissing his way down his body, and back before he smiles softly and, with a quirk of an eyebrow, reaches out to tuck a stray curl behind Joel's ear. "Every time you kiss me now, it's like I'm being given another gift. I get to feel your lips on mine every single day, I get to touch you and hold your hand and feel you move inside of me. I get to tell people that you're my husband, and I'm telling you this because that night, I wasn't even sure that I'd live to see the next day. All the happiness that I feel now, I owe it to you. So we can be idiots together because I'll never stop being anything less than ecstatic about the fact that you're here and that you love me, and I will never, never stop loving you back."

It always feels like such a gift, listening to Spencer speak to him like this and Joel pauses in what he's doing, resting his chin against Spencer's chest so he can look up at him and his smile softens as he listens to him. He's right, it wasn't the ideal setting and Joel knows he would have done anything in the world to change it so they could have a better first kiss, something they would both remember in a way that could send shivers down their spines or didn't have to be associated with the pain and the fear they'd both been feeling. But he understands what Spencer is saying, too. He remembers all too well running his hands over Spencer's face, taking stock of all his injuries, feeling each one like a physical blow. And he remembers needing to kiss Spencer, too, needing it to remind himself that they were both still alive, needing to feel the warmth of Spencer's mouth and the movement of his breathing just to convince himself that everything might still be okay.

"I know," he says softly, his chin brushing Spencer's skin as he speaks. "I needed it, too, I needed to know that... that you were still there." He's not sure if that really explains what he means, but it was what he'd felt. He had just needed to be sure of Spencer, he needed to know Mark hadn't hurt him so badly that he was changed or that he hated Joel or that he'd never be able to look at him again and even though he knows that isn't the case, there's a faint sense of panic that rises in him at the memory. He'd been so sure Spencer would never want to see him again that he'd had to take the risk. "I thought you wouldn't want me. I thought it would be my only chance and after so long of just never finding anyone who made me want to try, I had to kiss you. Even if you hadn't wanted me again, I needed to know because you made me want to try for the first time."

For the first time ever. Not for the first time in a long time, not for the first time in years. For the first time, full stop. There had been Amy, of course, but Joel knows what they'd had isn't remotely the same. Spencer is the only person he's needed like this, the only person he's ever wanted to try for.

"I know it's not true now, I don't doubt you or what we have for even a second," he murmurs, dropping his mouth to Spencer's skin again. He isn't quite kissing him anymore, just lying there, his lips brushing against Spencer's skin whenever he speaks, his eyes closed as he simply relaxes into this moment. He's never felt so happy, never known himself to be so lucky, and Joel makes himself a silent promise, as he does every single day, to never take that for granted. To never forget how lucky he is, how important it is that he find the time to tell Spencer every day that he knows it. Even if it's just a stolen moment in a dark corner of the bookstore, a second during which he can brush his mouth over Spencer's ear and whisper that he loves him, he knows he'll make the effort to do something.

"I would change it if I could," he says. "Take away that night, those memories, all the pain. I'd give us that perfect first night if it meant we could still be here and I know I can't do that, but I promise I'll never stop touching you. I'll never stop kissing you. I'll do that for you every single day." His lips brush the waist of Spencer's jeans and he grins a little, then rubs his cheek against his stomach, his beard brushing over his skin back and forth.

They've had a lot of perfect nights since then. They've had their first time up in Joel's apartment, the day Spencer had nearly caused him to drive into a mailbox. There's the fourth of July, the evening they'd spent together then. Midsummer's Eve, the night of Lara and Levi's party. And their wedding. Joel doesn't think there's been anything more perfect than that and he holds onto those memories with both hands, unwilling to let them go and always looking forward to making more.

They don't talk about the night at the lighthouse often and with good reason. There's isn't much sense in dredging up such awful memories when they aren't so haunted by them anymore. Spencer still has nightmares sometimes but they're rarer, they come when he's got too much on his mind, and they're not always about Mark. Sometimes they're about his family, about losing them all over again and losing Joel and starting a family only to find that he's awful at it. Most recently, he'd had a nightmare that he was shelving books but the books talked back and begged Spencer to make sure they were sent to a good home. He'd woken up awfully perplexed by that one but the point is that he isn't plagued by the things that have caused him the most pain anymore. Being with Joel has helped bring him new memories, amazing memories that he wouldn't trade for anything, and he knows Joel would say Spencer doesn't have to thank him but that's where he and his husband disagree.

"I'm glad you didn't give up on me," he says, keeping his voice low but his eyes on Joel. He'll always be grateful that Joel had come back to him, had ended up back outside his door after what had happened, because Spencer isn't sure where he'd be right now if Joel hadn't. He wonders if he'd have just gone mad because he'd barely slept those couple days alone until that first time Joel had slept next to him. They've spent one night apart since that evening and maybe, Spencer thinks, that's part of why it feels like they've known each other for so much longer than four months. They know each other so intimately, have such a deep understanding of each other that goes beyond what they like to eat for breakfast or their favorite colors or any of the other things the more naive variety of people seem to think are especially significant pieces of information.

Joel understands parts of him that Spencer hadn't even understood himself. Joel has helped him discover who he is, tap into the sides of himself Spencer hadn't even known existed, unlock all manners of existing as a person Spencer couldn't have been without Joel's love. They do this wonderful thing for each other, show each other what it's like to want to be better, to be willing to give more. It's comforting to have at least one sure thing in his life and this is it, this is his sure thing. This relationship, this marriage, this sheer magnetism between him and Joel--it's never going anywhere.

Remembering that always makes it easier to distract from thoughts that could take Spencer down a path he doesn't want to travel anymore, one that's dark and empty and lonely. He chooses the one that connects them instead, the one where he gets to squirm underneath his husband because Joel's beard tickles his belly. "You've given me more than enough perfect nights to make up for it," he says, though the words come out as more of a gasp because having Joel's lips in the place they are is hardly conducive to concentration or the actual ability to speak.

He can feel his pants starting to tighten, and he desperately wants to remove the rest of Joel's clothes right now, but he can't bear the thought of moving out from under Joel's touch quite yet. "In fact, I think you're well on your way to giving me another one."

He wants to explain to Spencer that it wasn't about giving up on him, that he'd believed in Spencer right from the beginning, but that he'd thought he didn't deserve to be there. It's been a hard task to convince himself that he's not entirely to blame. Mark had been the one to take Spencer, the one to hurt him physically, but Joel still thinks about all the things he could have done differently. If he'd just allowed himself to really believe that something might happen between them, maybe he would have warned Spencer earlier. If he'd trusted Spencer to accept him despite the awful things he'd done in his past, maybe he wouldn't have been so afraid to tell him. There are so many things Joel would change, not only about that night, but the weeks leading up to it as well. He wants to tell Spencer it was never that Joel wanted to give up on him or that he didn't believe in him, but that he hadn't been able to believe in himself.

But it's passed. For the most part, it's all passed. There are dark moments when Joel still blames himself for all the awful things that had happened that night, but he knows Spencer doesn't blame him and that's really the most important thing. He knows when he comes home at the end of the day, his husband doesn't look at him and resent him, he doesn't regret that they're married and for Joel to be so sure of that, to feel so much trust, it's enough. He doesn't need to explain to Spencer what had been going through his mind when things had been so terrible because if there's anyone in the world who understands, it's the man lying stretched out on the couch underneath him.

"I'll never give up on you," he murmurs, grinning against Spencer's skin because he can feel the way his body is responding. They should probably move this up to their bedroom, but he's fairly certain his parents won't be back for several hours and should Raleigh come home, he knows he'll hear her key in the lock before she's in the house. The back of the couch blocks them from view anyway and he knows he's just making excuses to not have to move, but in his mind they all make perfect sense. The fact that he's deeply distracted by Spencer's hands and the sounds he makes and the warmth of his skin under his lips has nothing to do with it.

Lifting one hand to Spencer's belt, he pauses, looking up the length of his body again and then he smiles, biting down on his lower lip. "I know I'm deeply biased," he says, his voice low and rough, "but you look incredible like this." And bias or not, it doesn't matter. He always wants to be biased on Spencer's favour, he always wants to blindly think the best of him because he's never had anyone love him like this, he's never had anyone think the best of him.

Spencer makes him feel like a much better man than he ever has on his own and he wants to return that to him every day. Slowly, he begins to undo his belt, still watching him, watching his expression as he does.

Spencer hums his agreement, and he's not even quite sure what's agreeing to or what Joel's even saying right now because he's far too preoccupied with watching his husband's hands on his belt, watching the way his shoulders move and the muscles in his back shift as he undoes the buckle. He loves watching those hands works, feeling his husband's fingertips, calloused from labor but still always so gentle, ghosting over his skin in small patterns that Spencer always tries to make out but inevitably ends up distracted by the taste of Joel's lips. There is no part of this man that Spencer doesn't love, fully and with all his heart, that Spencer doesn't appreciate; there's not a part of Joel that Spencer would ever want to change, and he knows Joel would say the same of him.

So much of Spencer's fear of getting close to anyone has had to do with the fear of losing them, of losing someone he loves again, but there had also been an underlying questioning of self-worth. Getting close to someone means letting down his walls, letting that person in to see his nuances, his insecurities, all the little bits and pieces that make him who he is. The thought of someone taking one look at what makes him tick and running the other direction, of leaving but by choice, has always been such a cause for distress. Joel, though, Joel is different. He's always been different, just like Spencer, and somehow it's been exactly what makes them work so well together. Joel had looked into his aura, and he'd stayed. Joel had seen what the experience in the lighthouse had done to him, and he'd stayed. Joel knows him better than anyone, inside and out and all over, and still he stays. Twenty-nine years of being alone seems like absolutely no time at all considering he gets to spend the rest of his life with this man.

He lifts himself up a bit so he can tug his shirt the rest of the way off, tired of the constraint of it, and lets it join Joel's shirt on the floor. They could easily be caught, he doesn't even know if the front door is locked, but just like the intimacy they'd shared in the bookstore and even out in the ocean, there's a bit of thrill behind it. It is their house, they can do whatever they want, but he's becoming more and more convinced with every passing second that being naked on this couch with his husband would be an excellent way to spend their evening.

"God, I want you," he moans, rolling his hips, and he's sure he's slowly going mad because his pants still aren't off yet and surely that must violate their vows in some way. There had to have been a hidden stipulation that discussed how long is too long a stretch of time before his husband gets him naked, but Joel doesn't seem to remember that one so Spencer just reaches out to tug lightly at his husband's hair. "You do realize that if this doesn't end with both of us completely undressed, we're going to have to have a very serious conversation later. Perhaps while you're fucking me in the library."

He's been in there a handful of times between the lighthouse and now, mostly just to switch out for a book to read, though most notably had been the day of his panic attack. The time is quickly approaching, he thinks, that he ought to make new memories in that room, better than Mark smashing that glass against his head or sobbing into Raleigh's lap and Joel's shoulder. Spencer moves his hand from Joel's hair to his jawline, tracing his finger of the length of Joel's beard and smiling softly. "I hope you don't see any problems with that."

The groan Joel gives rumbles deep in his chest before vibrating across Spencer's skin and he looks up when his hair is tugged, grinning as he rubs his chin against the skin just above Spencer's belt, tickling him with his beard. There's a light in his eyes, playful, excited, and as much as he just wants to lie here on the couch and take his time with Spencer, licking and sucking, and doing everything in his power to make his husband feel incredible with just his mouth, he knows what Spencer is saying. They can move forward a little, they can start to fix the things that have been done, they can write over the bad memories and he can only nod his agreement at first because just the thought that Spencer trusts him enough to go into the library with him and make something new out of it is overwhelming. He hasn't wanted to push Spencer, he hasn't wanted to make him do anything he's not comfortable with, but he knows when they have a child, there's going to be nothing keeping a toddle from running into that room, he knows they'll both have to follow him or her inside, they'll both have to be able to face it.

And he wants to help Spencer do that. He wants this to be something they do together and he rubs his cheek against Spencer's palm, a gentle smile curving his lips. "No problems with that," he murmurs. "Anywhere you want. Maybe up on the second level right where we got drunk that first night. Right in the place I first thought about pushing you up against the shelves and kissing you." Given how much they've done together since then, his thoughts that night had been relatively innocent in comparison, but he likes the idea of taking Spencer right back to that place and lying him down on the floor where they'd been sitting, the first place where Joel had thought how nice it would be just to kiss him.

As much as he wants to skip right to that part of the evening, which he's sure Spencer can tell by the way Joel rubs himself against his leg, his growing erection very apparent, he wants this, too. He wants to lie here and undress Spencer slowly and he thinks, if no one comes home in the time, they can make the dash to the library half-dressed as they are. The thought makes him smile as he undoes the button and zipper on Spencer's pants, tugging them down just enough that he can reach into his briefs and wrap his fingers around Spencer's cock and any plans completely disappear from his mind the second he has his husband in his hand.

His husband. Sometimes it still comes as such a surprise that he can apply this term to Spencer. That they've gone from being near strangers to married in such a short span of time. He's easily the luckiest person in the world, he thinks, to have found Spencer. To have not only found him, but to have him return his feelings so completely.

"God, I am so lucky," he murmurs, gently tugging Spencer's cock free from his briefs as he ducks his head at the same time, dragging his tongue up the length of Spencer's erection. "I am so, so lucky. I'll do anything you want, Spencer. Anything." And he means it, which he knows Spencer has to know. He's never meant anything more as he means that promise and every single other one he's made to Spencer over the past several months. He'll spend the rest of his life following through on every vow he's made, every promise he's uttered, and he'll love every second of it.

He's already dizzy with arousal by the time Joel wraps a hand his cock and it isn't long before the grip is followed by the sensation of his husband dragging his tongue over Spencer's length. Spencer isn't sure whether Joel actually expects him to respond but he opens his mouth all the same, though the only thing that manages to come out is a low, growling moan. There are some things in this world that are incontestably the very best Spencer can think of doing: sitting down by the fireplace with a good book, legs curled under him as he nurses a glass of whiskey or a mug of cocoa; draping an arm over Joel's stomach and resting his head on Joel's chest as he settles into their bed for sleep; wandering through the stacks at the library, taking in the smells of the books, old and new, surrounding him and reveling in the silence; and this, what Joel is doing for him right now, is certainly very close to the top of the list because his husband is the only one who knows how to make him feel this good with just one lick.

"You're lucky?" he manages to huff between pants, laughing because it's ridiculous that his husband would say such a thing when Spencer's the one getting the royal treatment here, Spencer's the one who's being made to feel so incredibly fortunate for having a husband who loves him so much and treats him so well. Spencer wouldn't have fallen so madly in love with Joel otherwise, not because the sex is always so amazing but for the fact that the sex is amazing because they're so in love. There's a level of trust here that Spencer has never allowed room for before, not even with his brother, and Dane had always been the closest thing to a best friend Spencer had ever found. It's different now, Joel has taken on the role of best friend and husband, and Spencer knows he'd not only never be able to hide anything from Joel, he wouldn't want to hide anything.

It's why he's suggested the library, and he doesn't think he'd be ready to go in there with anybody else. In his bravest of moments, he's been able to go in on his own but Joel's father had asked if Spencer wanted to take him on a short tour of the library yesterday, and Spencer had made a pathetic excuse about needing to get to the store for work with a promise of "maybe later" and an invitation for Brian to take a look at the library himself. Spencer doesn't want to have to make excuses anymore, he doesn't want to have to hold back a flinch every time he walks past that room; he wants to remember it as Joel does, as the place they'd gotten drunk together and where Spencer, too, had wanted so badly to close the gap between them for a kiss.

He could do that now, if Joel's tongue was playing at the tip of his cock. He could reach for Joel and pull him in for a kiss, this is something he can do anytime he'd like because they're married and they're in love and there's never going to come a moment that Spencer won't want his husband. "I'm the lucky one," he murmurs, and the fair thing to say would simply be that they're both lucky but the position Joel has him in right now hardly seems fair. He spreads his legs as much as he can without letting his foot fall from the couch, reaching down to slide his hand from below his navel up to his chest and letting out a deep, satisfied sigh.

"The first time we made such good use of a couch was when you put your tongue inside me," he says, lifting his neck to grin wickedly down at his husband. He can feel Joel's erection through the layers still on his husband, and he's desperate to get Joel's pants off, desperate to his husband's cock, but he brushes his fingertips over Joel's lips and arches an eyebrow. "I shudder to think what you might do to me against a bookshelf. With anticipation, mind you." He lets himself fall back against the couch, arching his back. Spencer can think of no better way to spend the evening than being pressed up against those books, making better memories in that room than what he has now, of Joel moving inside of him and making him feel as safe and as cherished as he always does; but right now, he's at his husband's mercy, and Spencer's sure it would come as a surprise to nobody to know that there's nowhere else he'd rather be.

Even after all these months, Joel has no idea how Spencer does it. In this position, his lips pressed against Spencer's cock, prepared to take him into his mouth, all he has to do is say a few choice words and Joel feels all of his self control just melting away. The memory of the things they had done on that couch in the bookstore swell up inside him and he can't help the way he grinds his hips down against Spencer, needing some kind of friction against his aching cock, even if it's still through far too many layers. They're such good memories, the kind that Joel finds himself thinking about when he's alone, when he's in the store by himself because Spencer has gone out to get them coffee or lunch, and when Spencer returns, they usually find themselves taking a long lunch simply because Joel has spent the last twenty minutes remembering what it was like to drag his tongue down the length of Spencer's spine before using it to sink inside of him. It's hard to do anything else, to think of anything else when he's spent so long imagining Spencer naked and spread on on the couch for him again.

His lips part and he takes Spencer into his mouth despite the sudden urge he has to just get up and strip them both down before dragging Spencer to the library. He needs to feel Spencer in his mouth, at least for a few moments, and another low groan escapes him at that familiar weight of Spencer's cock, the taste of him that Joel has loved from the very first moment. Whenever anyone else had done this for him -- the very few times it had happened -- he'd always gotten the impression it was something they had done out of obligation more than enjoyment and so the first time he'd taken Spencer in his mouth he hadn't been sure what to expect. But he'd loved it from the start. He'd loved knowing what he was doing to Spencer, how intimate an act, that he was making him feel good with just his mouth and his tongue. He loves the feeling of it, he loves when Spencer's hips lift, pressing himself deeper into Joel's mouth and his fingers dig into Spencer's hip, holding onto him, anchoring himself because if he doesn't, if he doesn't find some kind of control, he's just going to end up losing it all within moments and he very much wants to take Spencer into the library yet.

"I'm sure you'll enjoy it," he manages to say a moment later, pulling back long enough to speak, his voice low and hoarse with desire. "I'll make sure you do." He knows they both will. He's never once been disappointed with anything he and Spencer do together, even when he's tired, even when he comes home from working on the bakery all day and he thinks all he wants to do is fall into bed and sleep, Spencer can just look at him in the right way and Joel suddenly finds a reserve of energy he didn't even know he had. It isn't just about sex, it's about knowing there's no one else in the world who understands him the way Spencer does, there's no one else who looks at him and make him aware of just how loved he is, how important this one person finds him to be. The rest of the world doesn't even mater when Spencer looks at him like that and Joel knows that's never going to fade.

He swirls his tongue around Spencer's cock once more with a satisfied sounding groan before he pulls back a little and smiles at his husband. "Come on," he says and he doesn't want to get up, he wants to lie right here in front of the warmth of the fire with Spencer's body under him, but the appeal of the library is just too strong. Especially since he knows exactly what they're doing, that they'll be trying to overwrite the bad memories, and Joel knows Spencer loves him, but it feels important to be the one Spencer trusts with this. He's the one Spencer is allowing to help him and it's a task Joel takes very seriously.

Shifting back, he rising onto his hands and knees, presses a kiss to the centre of Spencer's chest and then pushes away. He holds his hand out toward Spencer, scooping their shirts off the floor with the other just to make sure they're not leaving behind any evidence in case his parents or Raleigh come home while they're busy in the library. Huxley is still asleep in front of the fire and Joel thinks they can count in him to stay there for long enough, and so he gets to his feet, his legs a little shaky, then takes Spencer's hand in his own. "Let's go before we end up getting caught."

But nothing could interrupt him now. Even if his parents were to walk in at this very moment, Joel thinks all he would do is flush bright red before dragging a shirtless Spencer behind him into the library regardless with a muttered request that they be left alone for a little while.

It takes Spencer a moment to register that Joel's speaking, that he's getting up, that he's trying to walk away from this couch, and he lets out a groan of protest because he's still half lost what it feels like to have the wet warmth of Joel's mouth around him, to have Joel's tongue sweeping over the head of his cock; but once his mind clears itself of the haze, Spencer remembers what's next. He remembers that from here, they're going to be going to the library and that means getting to undress his husband, getting to feel Joel moving inside of him against the bookshelves, getting to picture Joel making love to him every time passes that room rather than be flooded with the memories he doesn't want.

He wraps his hand around Joel's, letting his husband pull him up from the couch as he struggles to stay on his feet, tripping over his jeans as he tries to hold them up on their way to the library. His cock is still at full attention, leaking pre-come and aching to be touched again, and Spencer can't help but use his free hand on their way out the living room to give himself a couple desperately needed strokes. He hesitates only for a second when they get to the door and Joel pushes it open and maybe that's going to be the case for a long time, maybe even after tonight, Spencer will have his moments of sheer inability to walk into this room. He's had bad days since the lighthouse, days that make him wonder if he's really made any progress in truly healing at all, but all he ever needs to do is take one look at Joel and everything seems to change. Right now, his husband is looking at him from over his shoulder, eyes full of love and desire and affection, but Spencer can also see something quizzical in them. Joel won't make him walk into the library if he's not sure, if he suddenly decides he can't do it, that they ought to take this to their bedroom instead.

But if there's one person he can do this with, it's Joel. So he steps through the doorway and the library is as quiet as ever, looking entirely like nothing terrible had ever happened here. His heartbeat picks up a bit, both with trepidation and the anticipation of what he and Joel are going to get up to in here, and he pushes the door shut behind him before quickly turning on his heels so he can gently shove Joel against it. He needs to forget, he wants to forget, to move on, and he lets his jeans drop down to the floor, stepping out of them as he shimmies his way out of his briefs. A low growl escapes his throat, and he leans in to give his husband a passionate kiss, tongues swirling in their mouths before he pulls away and lowers his head to flick his tongue at Joel's nipple, grazing his teeth over it as he works at Joel's belt.

"I don't know what I want most right now," he moans, shifting his attention to Joel's other nipple before continuing. "You to get back to sucking my cock..." He tugs Joel's zipper down, wasting no time in dropping the jeans and briefs to the floor to let Joel's cock spring free. "Me to suck your cock..." He sinks to his knees, hands traveling down the length of Joel's perfectly sculpted body until he can wrap them around his husband's erection. He looks up at Joel, a mischievous brightness in his eyes that's only made more evident by his growing smile. He gives Joel's cock a slow stroke with both his hands, gently twisting them before rubbing his thumb over the tip. He laps his tongue over the pre-come that's already starting to pool, closing his eyes at the taste of his husband and reaching one hand down to stroke himself again. "Or maybe I want you to take me up to that second level and fuck me right now. Whatever you want, baby, whatever you want to do to me, I'm yours."

Joel never knows how to respond when Spencer begins to speak to him like this. It's by far the most incredibly arousing thing he's ever heard and each word just serves to make him feel like his brain is turning off or shorting out and he has no idea how he's gotten so incredibly lucky to have found someone who not only understands him and loves him, but someone who can also turn around behind closed doors and say the sorts of things that make Joel's knees buckle. He has to brace himself against the door with all his weight as Spencer sinks to his knees in front of him and he tips his head back, staring up at the ceiling for a moment just to gather some semblance of self-control if he's going to be expected to find the ability to make words again so he can give some kind of answer to Spencer. And the second he thinks he might have something, his husbands hands twist around his cock and then his tongue follows, an unexpected sensation that nearly unlocks Joel's knees and sends him to the floor.

"God, Spencer," he moans, tilting his head so he can look down and that's no better, but his hands fall to Spencer's shoulders and he holds onto him as he tries to come up with some kind of answer. But he doesn't know what he wants most either, he only knows that every single option Spencer has laid out sounds absolutely incredible, that he's hopeless when it comes to his husband, that they could do anything and Joel would be more than simply satisfied because this is the most perfect he's ever felt. He's never had any doubt right from the beginning that Spencer was attracted to him and although Joel has never given his physical appearance much thought, he's had people express interest in him over the years and it's always made him uncomfortable. Until Spencer.

Now it's all he can do to hold himself together when his husband looks at him or speaks to him and when Spencer asks Joel to fuck him, he's not uncomfortable or embarrassed, he's just stricken silent by the overwhelming need he has to do everything Spencer wants.

"Up," he manages to say, though his voice comes out strangled and hoarse and he has to clear his throat. "Up to the second level. I want... I need you up there. I want to remember what it was like that first night and know how far we've come." Everything has changed since that night and yet sometimes it feels like nothing has changed at all. That he's simply found the place he's meant to be, a position in Spencer's life that he slid into without fuss, and now that he's here, now that they both are, they're simply taking advantage of finally having found each other.

His hands tighten on Spencer's shoulders briefly before he lets go and cups Spencer's face, his fingertips stroking the edge of his jaw. "Come with me," he murmurs, looking down at Spencer and he finally manages a smile, a brief twist of his lips before it disappears into that same look of awe he feels he wears so often when he's with Spencer.

Spencer could live like this before--will live like this forever because after all, isn't that the plan?--with Joel's hands all over him, touching him, exploring his body like it's both novel and familiar all at once and saying Spencer's name under his breath like it's the answer that will unlock all of life's greatest mysteries. For a moment, Spencer thinks he's even solved them himself, those mysteries. What's the meaning of life? Why is he here? Joel. That's what Spencer comes up with because he's never quite been able to figure out why this world has been so insistent on keeping him breathing, on keeping him existent when the people closest to him fade like parts of a painting left out in the sun too long. It's taken him twenty-nine years of being alive to realize that he hadn't truly started living before Joel had walked into his story, his narrative that had only been filled with loss and tragedy, and colored it with so much love and spirit.

This is the kind of love people aspire to have, he thinks as he follows Joel up the ladder, the kind of love people more creative than he is try to capture in words, though it seems nobody has been able to get it quite right yet. He should be hesitating, nervous, terrified because they're right beside the very spot Mark Fuller had taken that first step in a fine effort to destroy them both but even though the thought does flash in his mind and he's aware and he feels a vague twist in his stomach over it all, it's not what's on the forefront of his mind.

He's thinking about how ridiculous it is that they're both naked, undeniably hard and aroused and lustful, climbing up this ladder with the sort of views nobody else will ever have; but at the same time, he thinks that it's so very them. He remembers being younger, eavesdropping from the staircase while his mother or brother had company over, and he'd heard on more than one occasion their friends commenting how quiet Spencer is, how shy, how distant and antisocial he seems.

"He's not, he's just... Spencer."

They'd been words said with the sort of affection only family could muster, but Spencer had known that it hadn't been meant in a bad why. He's a lot of things that people don't often seem to be able to reconcile in one person, and he's always been quietly proud of that fact. For this, for climbing up the ladder to the second level of the library to commence an evening of whispered names and strangled moans, of the kind of sex Spencer never even once had imagined he'd ever have, to feel so distinctly Spencer and Joel doesn't exactly fill him with pride but more of a sense of satisfaction. Contentment. Joel brings out in him a man Spencer hadn't known existed, a man who'd been buried deep under so many layers of caution and fear; but Joel had peeled those layers away not one by one but almost all at once and when his husband takes his hand and helps him back on level ground, Spencer wastes no time in practically throwing himself at him.

He slides his hands down Joel's sides before settling them on his ass, squeezing hard and pulling Joel closer so their erections press against each other as he sprinkles quick kisses down the length of Joel's neck, collarbone, shoulder. "I love you so much," he says and his voice is hoarse, raw with emotion that only Joel could elicit, and the words are never enough to encompass everything Spencer feels, the sheer truth behind the sentiment of I can't live without you, but Spencer say them anyway. He'll say them every day, as often as he can, because it's the best he's got and he needs Joel to know how much he's loved every second of every day.

There's so much Joel wishes he could properly express to Spencer, so many things he wants to say, but he doesn't feel like he knows the right words at the best of times. When he has an armful of his incredible, gorgeous, brilliant husband, it's even more difficult and he groans into Spencer's mouth, his hands falling to his hips so he can drag their bodies closer together. He remembers being here so clearly, wondering what he was doing, why he was thinking about kissing Spencer, about touching his face and his hair. He remembers reading his aura, that brilliant glow that is so individual to Spencer alone, the sort of energy Joel has never seen before in his entire life and knows he'll never see again because there's no one like Spencer. Not all that long ago, he stood in this exact spot in this library and asked Spencer what his favourite book was; he'd felt awkward and he'd blushed and found himself thinking and feeling things he hadn't allowed himself in years.

All because of this man.

With more care than he would have thought possible in this moment, Joel leans back against the shelf and he can feel the edges digging into his back, the corner of a book pressing against his shoulder, but he tugs Spencer against him and slides his hands into his hair and kisses him deeply. None of the rest matters. All he can feel is the warm weight of Spencer pressed against him, the strands of his hair has they slip through Joel's fingers, the way his lips and tongue feel as they kiss. He's so hard he's aching and he wants nothing more than to turn Spencer again and guide him toward the railing that circles the upper floor and press inside of him, but he doesn't want to rush either. It's important that he makes this special, that he overwrites all the bad memories Spencer associates with this place. Joel wants this to be his husband's favourite room again; it makes his chest ache that something bad has happened here, something bad enough to make Spencer anxious, and if he can fix that, he's going to do everything in his power to make it better.

"I love you," he breathes against Spencer's mouth, still holding his hair. He presses kisses against his cheeks and his lower lip, then arches his hips forward, grinding their erections together. "God, Spencer, I... I love you so much." He's never meant anything the way he means those words and they're never enough, but he hopes that at least part of what he really feels makes it into them when he speaks. That Spencer can hear the sheer amount of joy Joel feels when they're together, that he's changed Joel's life in every possible way, in ways he's not even sure he'll ever completely understand.

"You... god," he murmurs, not knowing where to go from there. His hand slides out of Spencer's hair and down his back until he can cup his ass, squeezing gently before using the grip to press their bodies together tightly. They don't have lube, he realizes, which isn't something they've ever had to worry about before, but Joel can't imagine either one of them running through the house for supplies at this point. He'll have to be careful, he can do that, he's always careful, and he runs one finger just under Spencer's ass, against his thigh, his lips curving into a grin even as he presses more kisses against Spencer's skin.

"You're so perfect," he says. "You're perfect for me." His finger slides up, pressing gently against Spencer's ass, just teasing for now, not pressing inside, not yet. There are plenty of ways for him to make sure to prepare Spencer and he can't stop smiling just thinking about them.

Spencer doesn't know when the switch happens, but he suddenly feels so vulnerable, so incredibly bare in a way that means more than just the fact that his clothes litter the floor of the library; but he's not afraid, not self-conscious, not when Joel has him in his arms and is leaving the softest trail of kisses over his cheek and threading his hand through Spencer's hair. He shivers, closing his eyes as he lets the love radiating from every part of his husband chase away the ghosts of memories that aren't welcome here right now. For a moment, he just rests his forehead on Joel's shoulder, pressing a kiss against the smooth skin and letting his hands come to a rest on Joel's hips.

It's something he's known from the beginning, that he's safe wherever Joel is, he's protected in a way nobody else could ever hope to understand and in a way nobody else could provide. The library had been the one place of the house that had been his and his alone, the one place that hadn't yet existed when his mother and brother had died, when he'd walked into that backyard and had his life changed forever. That one place had been taken from him so cruelly, the illusion of saftey had been broken, shattered, just like the glass that had caused his blood to speckle the floor; but just like the last time he'd stood in this room with Joel's arms arounds him, that fear and anxiety that had been growing quietly within him seem to slowly fade away.

Something in his throat tightens and his eyes well up as he lifts his head to meet Joel's gaze, brushing his fingertips over his husband's cheekbone, down the line of his jaw, then leaning in to kiss him again as he leans his knee against the bookshelf to get even closer. He lets out a low whine at the feel of Joel's finger circling his ass, knowing very well that tonight, something's going to be different. Something's going to change. It's not just the anticipation of how Joel will prepare him or the fact that they're going to have sex somewhere new, it's knowing that after they make love tonight, Spencer won't have to look at this room as just another place that causes him pain. Joel does this for him, turns the things that hurt Spencer most into memories he can tuck away--not to forget completely but to replace with something better, something stronger than tragedy.

"I--" He nearly chokes on his words, and he shakes his head as he takes a deep breath, willing the tears not to spill down his cheeks. "I don't know how to do any of this without you anymore." He swallows hard, gently tilting Joel's chin up so he can trail his tongue down the length of his husband's neck, nipping lightly at the hollow his neck as he slowly works his way down to his chest. He needs to taste Joel again, needs to show Joel just how much he means every word he's ever said to him. "You're everything, baby, you're everything to me."

He looks up at his husband, making sure that they're holding each other's gaze as he takes Joel's length in his mouth, taking him deep until the head of his cock reaches the back of Spencer's throat. He doesn't break eye contact, using one hand to grip Joel's ass for leverage and the other to grip around Joel's shaft as he pulls back to suck. They only have each other to rely on when it comes to a source of lube and as much as he wants the cock in his mouth to be thrusting into him right now, Spencer knows that they ought to take their time.

There are already shivers working through him even before Spencer tips his chin up, even before his tongue traces down the length of his neck and he groans, a noise he doesn't think he could muffle even if he wanted to. They're lucky no one is home, because Joel's already more than lost in the sensations of Spencer touching him, in the feeling of his hands and his mouth, and there's nothing else in the world he can think of. There's absolutely no way he'll be able to remember himself later if he's already so completely caught up in how good everything feels. In the day to day, Joel tries, he really does. Knowing they're not often entirely alone in the house means he can't exactly cry out the way he wants to when he comes and he's done his best to remember that, but tonight it's just the two of them and Joel doesn't have to think of anything other than how incredible Spencer's hands feel when they roam over his body.

"Oh, god," he breathes, leaning heavily against the shelf behind him, one of his hands groping for leverage and finding the edge of one shelf in particular. His other hand falls first to Spencer's shoulder, fingers pressing into his skin as he meets his husband's gaze and he's gotten better with practice, he can last longer now when they're together, but there's something in Spencer's eyes that nearly undoes him right there and Joel lets out a soft whine as he squeezes his eyes shut. They need to take their time, he knows they do, but another deep shiver races through him and he has to force himself not to look, not to think about how amazing everything feels, because if he does he knows he isn't going to last very long and he wants this to be perfect. He wants to give Spencer everything he needs, he wants to make this night memorable enough that it helps him write over the terrible memories he has of this room.

"Spencer," he murmurs, opening his eyes again as his hand moves, cupping his cheek first and then the back of his head. He's not thrusting, but his fingers clench lightly, tugging at Spencer's hair and he puts all his focus on the hand he has gripping the shelf. If he concentrates on that, if he clenches his fingers tighter against the wood then he can look down at Spencer without feeling like he's going to completely come undone within moments. It won't last forever, but he needs to hold on.

"You're so... you... god, you're good at this," he finally manages to say, a breathless sort of laugh escaping him. Everything they do together feels incredible and Joel knows neither of them are particularly experienced, but he's fairly certain their relationships speaks to the fact that experience isn't always necessary. Being this comfortable with someone, being this turned on by Spencer's mere proximity, knowing they can trust each other, knowing there's nothing he can say or ask for that would make Spencer judge him, that is what makes them work so well together. He would never have this with anyone else, he'd never find it with another person, because it's Spencer who puts him at ease, who frees him to feel so comfortable.

They don't have to have been with a dozen other people to be good for each other. He's glad they haven't been. Everything he does, every moan he makes, every roll of his hips, every single time he's aroused, it's all for Spencer. Joel's never thought of saving himself or anything like that, he's just never really cared until Spencer came into his life, and now he's glad there hadn't been anyone else in such a long time. He was waiting for this and he's so glad he did.

His lips curve into a pleased smile around Joel's cock as he bobs his head, reveling in the weight of his husband on his tongue and the taste of him that he'd be happy to swallow down if he wasn't already so eager to have Joel moving inside him tonight. Spencer had been entirely sincere earlier when he'd said he likes nights like these, nights when they can be completely alone, because it's rarer than he would have imagined. They're not especially social people and it isn't as if Raleigh's much of a party girl herself so more often than not, their intimacy has to be shared as silently as they can manage. The wall that separates their room from Raleigh's isn't exactly soundproof, they're all very well aware of this, and on the occasions that Spencer and Joel are a bit more reckless with their moans than usual, Spencer has always noticed that Raleigh doesn't quite look either of them in the eyes the next morning.

They aren't particularly self-conscious about showing each other affection in public--which had come as a surprise as first, if he's honest--but at the same time, they're still both very private men. Spencer has never told anyone the details of his and Joel's sex life, can't imagine that he ever will, and he's certain the same is true of his husband. These moments of intimacy are for them, only for them, and it's when they're alone that they can take full advantage of that. The night of their wedding had been incredible partly for that reason, there hadn't been any need to tiptoe or be cautious or even remotely think of anybody else. Their thoughts, their touches, their words had only been for each other.

When he has to bury his face in the crook of Joel's shoulder when he comes, when he has to press a hand against his mouth to keep from gasping too loudly at how amazing it feels to have Joel fill him so thoroughly, it doesn't take away from the perfection of the moment; but when they can be freer, when they can spend every ounce of energy on each other, it always just feels better. It's like that tonight, he thinks, because he can't even find it in himself to worry about might happen if he suddenly panics, if he makes one wrong move or looks at just the wrong part of the floor or even breathes the wrong way. Tonight is about his marriage, about the love he shares with his husband and just how strong their connection is, so strong that it's enough to chase away the fear of everything in this moment. Joel has always made him stronger and as he licks along the underside of his husband's shaft and laps at the head of his cock, Spencer lets out a ragged, desperate moan that resonates through the room.

"You taste so good," he murmurs, taking Joel's length in his hand and stroking as he reaches between his legs with his other hand to do the same to his own cock. He gently twists his hand, breath hitching as he watches the way Joel's erection pushes through his fist, wanting so badly to see it disappear into his ass instead. Nobody else will ever see this side of Spencer, the side of him that becomes so wanton and needy and wicked, it's reserved only for Joel. Darcy had only seen him nervous, unsure of himself and what he'd been doing, but Joel... From the very beginning, Joel has put him at ease, made it easier for Spencer to accept that being himself is more than enough.

"Joel." It comes out as more of a whimper, the name of the one man, the only person who means more to him than anything else in this world. He swallows hard before licking his lips, the taste of Joel's cock still fresh on his tongue, and he presses a kiss to Joel's hip before looking up at him with urgency in his eyes. "Joel, I need you. I need you."

He knows he needs to get control of himself, find a way to focus on Spencer instead of just losing himself in the sensation of his husband's lips and tongue on his cock, and Joel tips his head back, staring up at the ceiling as his chest heaves and he tries to catch his breath. It almost works, he's almost able to calm himself down, but then Spencer says he needs him and Joel feels something inside him ready to unravel as his body sags back against the shelf. Very distantly, he considers himself lucky that whoever Spencer had build the library did a good job of it, because the shelf supports his weight and Joel almost laughs before he lets himself look down at Spencer again. He's never felt anything like this. Nothing in his life even comes close and his smile softens a little as his fingers ghost over the curve of Spencer's cheek. He's never loved anyone like this, he's never wanted so badly to make someone happy, to protect them, to do anything in the world to keep them safe and content and feeling loved, and Joel knows how special it is. He knows how unusual. He knows he'll never take this for granted or forget just how incredibly lucky he is that Spencer loves him in return.

"Stand up," he murmurs, his voice hoarse and ragged as his fingers hook gently under Spencer's chin. He urges him to stand, then hooks an arm around him, tugging him close so Joel can kiss him again, long and slow, his hips arching forward, grinding himself against Spencer's hip and he knows what Spencer wants, but it's so easy to get distracted. Everything about Spencer distracts him from the feel of his warm skin under Joel's hands to the sounds he makes, the way his breath hitches out of him when Joel presses up tighter against him. He loves knowing he can do that, he can control the gasps and breaths that come out of Spencer when they're like this, he loves knowing that if he grazes his teeth along the sensitive skin of Spencer's throat, that his eyes are going to close and he's going to make a soft sound caught somewhere between a sigh and a moan.

But he knows what Spencer wants and after he chases the path his teeth have taken with the tip of his tongue, Joel nudges him back gently, then turns him around, guiding him toward the railing. Like the shelf, he's sure it's strong enough, at least for now, and when he has Spencer turned against him he ducks his head, pressing kisses along the back of his neck, across the span of his shoulders. It's so easy to write Spencer off as a tall, skinny man, someone who might be all sharp angles and bones, but Joel is the only one who gets to see him like this. He's the only one who knows under Spencer's sweaters -- or Joel's cardigans, more often than not, the ones that are far too big on him -- there's warm, smooth skin over lean muscle and he mumbles something incoherent against the curve of Spencer's shoulder as his hands roam over his body. He's the only one who gets to slide his hands down Spencer's back, who knows what he looks like when he's undressed, who gets to appreciate every movement, every shift of his body, and he hopes Spencer knows that he does appreciate it all.

Joel's mouth follows his hands and he presses kisses down the centre of Spencer's back, over the ridges of his spine as he slowly lowers himself to his knees. His hands anchor themselves over the edges of Spencer's hips and for a moment he can only sit there on his knees, holding onto Spencer, his lips pressed against the dip of his lower back. "I love you so much," he murmurs against Spencer's skin, turning his head slightly to rub his cheek against him. Then he tugs gently, pulling Spencer's hips toward him a little, angling his back so he can press a kiss to the curve of his ass, his lips tugged into a grin briefly.

This is his life now. This is his perfect life, one he never imagined he'd have, one he'd never looked for. He's never expected to feel so loved, so trusted, and as his tongue flicks out, sweeping over Spencer's skin, a tease more than anything right now, he feels a swell of emotion, one he feels every single time they're intimate. Then it's lost in a moan as his hands tighten on Spencer, pulling him harder against his mouth, his tongue working over him and inside him and Joel knows it's just preparation, but he's also certain he could lose himself in this.

He feels a bit of a rush at being gently bent over the banister, legs spread for his husband as he readies himself for what's to come. A few months ago, they'd been up here sharing a bottle of whiskey and feelings that neither of them had been able to make much sense of yet. Spencer remembers blaming everything on the whiskey that had gotten him drunk, to be sure, but hadn't taken him so far over the edge of reason that he hadn't imagined with perfect clarity what it would be like to kiss Joel, even to just touch him. He'd even found himself, at one point, wishing that he'd fallen on the way back down the ladder because he'd already known Joel would catch him. It's like they'd skipped past all exercises in trust, Spencer had simply known that Joel would be there, and it had been both exhilarating and significantly terrifying at the same time.

To think that they've come so far in so short a time might be cause for alarm if Joel was anybody else but he isn't, Joel is Joel, the only person who's ever understood and accepted Spencer for exactly who he is. Spencer doesn't feel the typical need to hide parts of himself from his husband, and he hadn't exactly created a false persona for himself for others, but he'd always been quiet and withdrawn, not like he is with Joel. Even when they don't speak, they manage to say so much to each other, and he's never had that kind of connection with anyone else. The closest he'd come had been with Dane, but it had been different. They're brothers, they'd been close, and Spencer had trusted Dane with most things. Joel, though, Spencer trusts with everything. His mind, his body, his heart--all of him belongs to Joel, and it's incredible to know that Joel gives Spencer all of himself in return.

There's no holding back his ragged moan when he feels Joel's tongue entering him. He'd been anticipating it but without the ease of being able to turn his head to see what his husband's doing, he's left only with a vague idea of everything Joel might do to him tonight. It's like the evening they'd shared on the Fourth of July, when Joel had turned him over on the table and fucked him, or when Joel had done this to him for the first time on the couch in Crossroads. Spencer loves being face-to-face with Joel when they're intimate because it means Joel can lean in to kiss him, to brush his hair from his face, to get as close to him as possible; but there's something enormously appealing about this, too, about having every last nerve in his body tingling with the expectancy and excitement.

Joel's tongue works masterfully inside of him, and Spencer knows very well that if they carry on for long he'll come just like this. He can't resist pushing his hips back in an effort to feel his husband's tongue moving deeper, and he shivers at how incredible it feels when Joel spreads his ass wider with his hands somehow gentle and firm all at once. He wants to return this favor for Joel, one day and soon, because Spencer is fairly certain that there are few things that could possibly be more intimate. This isn't something he'd do for just anyone, isn't something he'd let just anyone do to him. It takes an immense level of trust to let someone this close, to be this free with his body, entirely unashamed and unafraid. Nobody had even seen him naked in over eleven years by the time Joel had found him and now, there's nobody else he could ever want.

"Oh, god." Another shudder rocks his body as he drops his head to his chest, knuckles white from gripping the railing so tightly. He's been up here many times, has let his legs dangle over the edge of the second level as he'd flip through the pages of a book, and now it feels like being home again because his husband has made it so. The library had been his place of refuge for so long and that sense of safety had been stripped from it in the blink of an eye. This, though. This is starting to make up for that, and Spencer knows he still has a long way to go in the healing process but he has the best kind of help. He reaches a trembling hand between his legs and strokes his cock, rubbing his thumb over the head to spread the pre-come that's pooled there before resuming with pushing through his fist. He closes his eyes, unsure of whether the image of Joel's cock or tongue in his ass is the more desirable one right now, but he decides relatively quickly that he needs to be filled.

"You're going to make me come," he says, voice raw and laced with need, with desire. A well-placed flick of Joel's tongue makes him huff out a breathless laugh as he tightens his grip around his cock with a wince. "You're so-- God, I love you." He repeats the words between soft, sharp gasps, resting his chin on his shoulder as he tries to get a better view of what Joel's doing to him, but he doesn't last long in that task because he lets his eyes slip shut so he can get lost in the feeling of how amazing Joel always makes him feel.

"Not yet," Joel murmurs, a low laugh rumbling out of his chest and he wants to keep going, he loves so much when Spencer pushes back against his mouth, he thinks he could just spend hours like this, but he knows what Spencer wants and he wants it, too. He wants to stand up and press inside his husband bit by bit, taking his time, dragging it out and making sure they both enjoy it. And so he drags his tongue over Spencer's ass once more, a low moan of desire pulling out of him at the same time before he sits back a little and then presses two of his fingers into his mouth, making sure to slick them both to the point where he thinks they'll move easily inside Spencer. There's no lube in the library, it's probably the one room that doesn't have any besides the guest room and the kitchen, and the small bottle Joel has discreetly hidden in one of the inner pockets of his bag doesn't do them any good where it's currently sitting in the living room, so this will have to do. He'll have to be gentle and he'll have to take his time, which he's more than happy to do.

Still crouched on the floor, one hand on Spencer's ass, he leans in again, using his tongue, lapping at his skin until he replaces it with his finger, testing gently, twisting slightly as he presses it inside Spencer. It's not the same as lube, which he's grown used to, but he's pleased by the ease with which his finger slides into Spencer's body and he has to fight back a groan as he slowly fucks him with it, drawing it out for as long as possible before adding a second. He's so in love and so aroused that he's dizzy with it, his head spinning at the feeling of Spencer's body hot and tight around his fingers and the knowledge that this is it. For the rest of his life, this is it, this is the only person he's ever going to touch in such an intimate way, the only person who is ever going to touch him in return and he's sure there are people who would hate that knowledge, who might be bored or frightened by it, but all it does for Joel is drive him on. It's everything, it's exactly what he needs, everything he wants. This is it for the rest of his life.

"Spencer, my god," he murmurs, slowly getting to his feet, his fingers still inside him. He presses kisses up the length of his spine as he rises, nuzzling against his shoulder blade and then the back of his neck. His tongue flicks out against the soft skin just behind Spencer's ear and Joel wants so badly to be inside him, wants to be pressed up against his back, his arm locked around his torso, holding them as close together as he possibly can while he slowly moves in and out of him. Fighting back another moan feels so natural when they spend so much time having to be quiet, but they're alone in the house, there's no one else to hear them and so he doesn't bother, he just closes his eyes and slowly pulls his fingers free from Spencer before he wraps that arm around him.

"Are you okay?" he asks, lifting his other hand to wet his palm with saliva and he knows there's no one else in the world he'd ever feel this comfortable with. There's no one he'd be so willing to do anything, no one he'd be so free with and as he reaches down to take his cock in his hand, slicking himself slowly, he feels a little lightheaded with it all again. He's so lucky, he's so happy, he never wants to take any of it for granted, and he presses his lips against Spencer's shoulder, his eyes squeezed shut tight against tears that are suddenly threatening.

The head of his cock nudges against Spencer's ass, but he just barely presses forward, still raining kisses down across his shoulders. He needs Spencer to tell him it's okay, he needs to know before he does anything because it's different this time, he has to be careful. And he wants so badly to just be inside Spencer that he has to muffle a faint sob against his shoulder, his cock pressing against him again. "Tell me it's okay," he murmurs.

Spencer's panting now, short, shallow breaths that he can barely control, and he already feels absolutely wrecked but this is what Joel does to him. He wants to laugh at the question of whether he's okay, wants to answer that no, he's not okay, because Joel cock isn't inside him yet, and he steels himself before moving his hips back so that he can sink onto his husband's length. He lets out a whimper that's really more like a hiss because as well as Joel has prepared him, it still stings a bit without the lube, but that isn't going to matter in the long run. It's not going to matter when Joel's pounding into him, making him scream because there's nobody in the house to hear it, and that thought is what makes him move further back, encouraging Joel to push deeper inside of him.

He squeezes his eyes shut to keep the tears that have welled there from falling, and it's not from the pain but from the way Joel keeps leaving kisses across the stretch of his shoulders, the way he keeps whispering into his ear, asking if he's okay, telling him it's going to be okay, and Spencer needs this so badly. He needs this to be okay, in this room especially, and he looks over his shoulder to search for his husband's eyes until their gazes lock. A quote pops into his mind then, one whose creator hasn't been recorded: 'I love you because you are my life.' There are so many things in this world that Spencer could have chosen to live for but it had been Joel who'd wiped the slate clean for him. It's Joel who hadn't made him feel like he had to start over, only that he had to remember that he's capable of being the man he is now. Joel has helped shape him into that man, Spencer feels infinite gratitude to him for that and to the world for giving him the incredible gift that is his husband.

He moves a hand off from the railing and it almost makes his knees buckle but it's worth it because it means he can rest it over the arm Joel has around his waist. He threads their fingers together, bottom lip trembling--everything trembling--as he offers a crooked smile and pushes back until Joel's fully inside him, throwing his head back and dropping his mouth wide without managing to make a sound. His body freezes for a moment, unable to do anything but process how amazing this feels along with the short spurts of pain that shoot up his spine, though he's not sure if it's the pain or pleasure that makes him shudder. His hand is squeezing Joel's tight and he slowly relaxes his grip, taking in deep breaths as he adjusts for his husband. His shoulders lose their tension, and Joel is as patient as Spencer had known he'd be, Joel could be no other way.

"'m okay," he murmurs, eyes looking toward the ceiling. It's the answer to a question that has already been answered, and he rolls his hips backwards before letting out a visceral moan. From this angle, it's like Joel's so deep inside him that Spencer thinks he can feel him everywhere, filling every part of his body that craves him. Spencer loosens around Joel's cock for the ease of movement, letting out another gasp as his husband pulls back almost all the way then thrusts back into him. The sound of skin against skin echoes through the library, and Spencer thinks it's a good replacement for the shattering of glass. Another thrust makes him cry out, makes him feel free because he doesn't have to hold back tonight, neither of them do. This is their home, their life together, their moment of intimacy that nobody else can touch, not even the ghosts that haunt them.

"You're perfect," he says between the grunts he lets out as Joel sets a steady rhythm, their bodies pressed close together as they move in harmony just as they always do. It's as if they'd been made to fit together like this, they'd been puzzle pieces cast aside in favor of the edges that are always easier to assemble first. They'd found each other somehow, in the middle of a mess that had led them here, to a picture that will only become more complete as they continue to love each other, to grow with each other, to remember to take full advantage of their lives together. "You're perfect. Everything. You're my everything, I'm yours, always going to be yours."

He's rambling now, the words spilling out of his mouth with reckless abandon as he loses himself in the feel of riding his husband's cock, bent over the banister of their library. He tightens around Joel's length and shudders again, wishing that this didn't ever have to end, but he realizes then that it really doesn't. He could have this every night for the rest of his life, Joel would give that to him because Joel would give him anything that's in his power to give. Spencer would do the same, has known that since the beginning, and it's with a distinct sense of gusto that he beings to push down harder on Joel's cock, harder and faster as he huffs out a humorless laugh.

"Yours," he says again, "show me I'm yours."

Spencer doesn't answer him, not with words anyway, but when he presses back, Joel can't help but push forward, his cock sliding into Spencer's body and it's not with the same sort of ease he can normally thrust into him, but he can't seem to stop himself and he doesn't think Spencer wants him to anyway. There's so much about this moment he wants to remember, so much of this that will only ever belong to them and when Spencer's head arches back against his shoulder, when he threads their fingers and squeezes his hand so tightly, Joel lets out a choked off moan that does nothing to express just how incredible he feels. He moves carefully at first, but it doesn't take long for Spencer's body to adjust to him, to let him in and then Spencer is speaking, telling him he's perfect and Joel has to squeeze his eyes shut tight again because everything is so overwhelming and he needs to have control over himself for just a little while longer. This is about both of them, it's about how they feel when they're together as it always is, but it's bigger than that, too. It's about making new memories for Spencer in this room, it's about giving something back to his husband, something so big and important that Joel will do anything to make this right.

"You're mine," he echoes, the words a breathless growl against Spencer's ear and he braces himself, plants his feet so he can thrust into him harder and at the same time the hand that isn't locked around Spencer's waist slides down, smoothing over his skin until his fingers brush against the base of his cock. "You're mine and I'm yours and... oh god, Spencer," he breathes as he wraps his hand around his cock, his grip tightening for just a moment as he feels Spencer's body tightening around him.

He's never felt this good and it's the same thing he thinks every single time he and Spencer are intimate. He's never felt this good, everything only ever gets better with them and he knows it's because he falls in love with Spencer more every single day. When he wakes up in the morning and turns over in bed, before the sun has even come up, hours yet before he knows Spencer will wake up, he often just lies there and listens to him breathing. He'll shuffle closer under the blankets and slide his arm around Spencer's waist, tucking himself against Spencer's back so he can feel every breath he takes and he'll fall asleep like that when normally he would be up for the day. There had been a time when Joel would wake up at four in the morning and he'd be awake, that would be it, but it's different now. He can wrap himself around Spencer, lose himself in the rhythm of his breath and slip right back to sleep.

Or he looks at him from across a room -- any room -- and he's struck dumb by how amazing a man he's found. He'll simply stand there, floored all over again by the fact that Spencer had not only agreed to go on a date with him, but had fallen in love with him, had invited Joel to live with him, had agreed to marry him. It happens at least once a day and it's happening again now as he thrusts into Spencer, sweat clinging to his back, his chest, the hollow of his throat. He is by far the luckiest person alive for someone like Spencer to want him in any way, and Joel's arm tightens around him, his face pressed against the side of Spencer's throat so he can breathe him in.

His fist moves over Spencer's cock, stroking him in time with his thrusts, and Joel has no idea how he's still standing when his knees feel this weak. "I love you," he whispers against Spencer's ear and he only realizes now that he's been murmuring it for a few moments, that he's been saying it over and over again, but it's the thing he feels most keenly, right down through his bones. He was meant to be here, he was meant to love this man and he'll do it to the best of his ability until the day he dies and beyond. Joel doesn't believe in the afterlife, he doesn't believe he'll go to a happy, glowy place in the sky where he'll be with his loved ones again, but he believes in energy. He has to when he can see it so clearly and he knows, whatever is left of him when this body gives up, it will always love Spencer.

The words come out in a harsh puff of air--you're mine--and Spencer knows he's finished. At least in that one moment, he's finished, he could collapse right now and die happy, and it's because being with Joel has always been so much that it's too much. This feels like too much love for one person to have for another. He's wrong, of course. From the day they'd met, his feelings for Joel--his love for Joel--had grown with every passing second. He'd let himself become consumed by someone for the first time in his life and it should have been terrifying because he knows what it's like to be used, to be judged, to be pitied, to be hated. Joel has never made him felt that way and that's how Spencer had known he was different. Joel hadn't thought twice to save his life the day of the Hydra, the day of that monster in the water, the day of the lighthouse, but Joel had saved him, too, from a self-imposed isolation that Spencer hadn't even realized had been slowly destroying him.

He never has to be alone again. They'd taken longer than most to get their relationship started because they'd been nervous, both of them sure of what they'd felt but doubting the other. Spencer has no doubt now, none whatsoever, and he rests the back of his head on Joel's shoulder as his husband moves so expertly in and out of him, going the perfect pace and saying the simplest but most perfect things. You're mine. I love you. He doesn't need more than that. He doesn't need flowery language or hyperbolic poetry; he doesn't need grand gestures or expensive gifts to remind him that Joel loves him. He's reminded of how much he's loved all the time, with every look that he and Joel share. He's being reminded of it now in the way his husband is thrusting so deeply inside of him, possessing him, making every awful memory that comes with being in this room slowly melt away.

When they come in here now, this is what he'll think about. It's not just a promise he's making himself, not just a thing he's thinking he'll do just so he doesn't have to admit that he's still afraid. He is still afraid, he'll always remember what Mark had done to him here, but he can't let that control him. This, he can give into safely, healthily, happily. Joel making love to him, stroking his cock, whispering in his ear, it's all so much more than Spencer could ever have thought would happen to him and the fact that it's happening here, in the place where Spencer wishes even now that he would have kissed Joel, is beyond significant. Sometimes he thinks he's beyond repair, that he's simply been too damaged to continue on in life as a proper human being, but Joel has changed that. Joel makes him feel like he can do anything.

He's tempted to wrap his other hand over Joel's, help his husband stroke his cock until he makes a mess of this library, but Spencer only grips the railing tighter. He knows his husband wants to take care of him tonight, as if he doesn't already do that every night, and besides that, he's sure that if he doesn't have a grip on the banister, he'll fall immediately to his knees as soon as Joel pulls out of him. His moaning is stilted, unsteady, and he knows he's getting close. He can feel all of Joel, every piece of him, and he loves to be filled but he also loves when their bodies are flush against each other because it's like they're acting as one unit. It's nothing new, not really, they're harmonious in most of the things they do together; but this, to be so in tune with each other's wants and needs like this, it speaks to something deeper. Something that will only ever be shared between the two of them. They belong to each other and it's with that thought echoing through his mind that he shudders in his arms, tears spilling down his cheeks, and grasps at the railing as his knees start to buckle.

"I'm-- Joel, please, please." He's begging but he's not entirely sure what it is he's begging for, whether he wants Joel to move faster or thrust harder or go deeper, or if he never wants Joel to stop.

"Spencer," Joel breathes, his eyes closed, his hand still moving over his cock as he thrusts deeper into him and that's it, that's all he's capable of because Spencer is begging him and he's saying please over and over again in that voice that makes Joel feel like everything inside him is being laid bare for Spencer to see. He always feels this way, more vulnerable, more exposed than he ever has before and it's the single most thrilling experience of his life. To have given so much to one person that he feels like Spencer knows every single part of him, can see every emotion, can feel all his thoughts and his fears, it should be scary, but it isn't and that's one of the many ways in which he knows Spencer is the person he's meant to be with. For so long he's been afraid to let people in, but it happened so quickly with Spencer, so easily, and here he is, the arm he has locked around Spencer's waist tightening as he comes inside him, his face pressed against his warm skin, gasping for air.

He doesn't know how he's still breathing, how he's still standing, how he's holding himself up against Spencer's body. His knees feel like they're locked in place and they're the only things keeping him from sinking to the ground in a satisfied, useless pile that only wants to be wrapped around Spencer until he falls asleep. Vaguely he realizes they can't sleep in here, he can't just curl up and press himself against Spencer's body and spend the rest of the night here. They have house guests, they have a puppy, they have responsibilities, but all he can think of right now is how incredible Spencer feels, still warm and tight around him. All he can think of is how good it feels to be pressed up against his back, his cock still buried deep inside him, his hand around the heavy warmth of Spencer's length. All he can think of is how in love he is, how happy he is, how he'll never want for anything so long as he has Spencer's love.

"I love you," he says again, nuzzling against the side of Spencer's throat and he knows he never wants to leave this place. The muscles in his arm actually hurt from holding on to Spencer's waist so tightly and he loosens his grip a little, but he doesn't pull away from him, not yet. All he can do is stand there and hope his legs don't give out any time soon because he wants to enjoy this. He wants to remember this night in the library as much as he wants Spencer to remember it. It's not just about making love to him in the library, it's not just about the physical aspect of it because their sex life is full and it's fun and Joel knows how much they enjoy one another, how good they make each other feel. This is about reminding Spencer why he loves this room and that Mark Fuller isn't around anymore and shouldn't be able to take anything from him. This is Spencer's room and it should always be Spencer's room and Joel wants to remind him of that.

He wants to give it back to him. This night, this opportunity, it's like Spencer has given him the chance to give him the best gift he can. It isn't tangible, it isn't physical, but Joel hopes he's done at least a little bit toward giving Spencer this room back. He can't take the memories away, but he can try every night for the rest of his life to replace them with better memories and all he can really do is hope that this is a good start.

He's more than sated himself, trying to hold himself up instead of sagging against Spencer because he's fairly certain if he does that it will only send the both of them to the floor. While he's sure they're going to end up there anyway, he doesn't want to be the heavy weight dragging the two of them down. Turning his head, he presses a kiss against Spencer's sweat slicked shoulder, then smiles against his skin. "I love you," he says again. "I love you."

Joel could say it once, twice, a hundred, five hundred times a day--I love you, I love you--and the words will never lose their meaning. His mother had always made a habit of saying it after he'd kiss her on the cheek on his way to bed, even Dane had been free with the phrase often enough. It had always been Spencer who'd answer with a begrudging grumble or an amused roll of his eyes and it's not that he hadn't loved them. It's not that he hasn't understood what it means to love someone before. He just hadn't ever seen the point in making a show of it until he'd lost them both. Until it had been too late. He hasn't loved anyone in over two years, hasn't let anyone close enough to feel anything even close to that, but meeting Joel that day had shaken something loose. He hadn't realized it at the time, of course, that he'd been waiting so long for someone to make him feel again; besides that, he'd waited his whole life to be hit with the astounding knowledge that he's only ever going love like this once.

He tightens around Joel's length when he feels his husband's release and comes with a gasp, one that barely even escapes his throat because he's trying so hard to keep the tears welling in his eyes from spilling down his cheek; but there they are, streaming in hot streaks as he pulses into Joel's hand. Spencer doesn't know how to move anymore without falling to the floor, doesn't want to risk moving at all because Joel is still so deep inside of him and he's still moving his hips back against Joel's cock, even as they both start to soften. They're as close as they can ever be right now, both completely bared to each other in ways they won't ever bare themselves to anyone else again. Joel's only had a few partners, Spencer's only had one, and he can't deny that the fact comforts him. It's not as if his love for Joel would be affected at all if things were different but there's something about knowing that he's the only one Joel has ever made love to like this, the only one who's ever had the distinct privilege of having Joel's tongue inside of him, the only one who Joel will ever touch so intimately that makes Spencer's heart leap into his throat and it makes him chokes on the words he doesn't know he wants to say.

Slowly, carefully, he steps forward with a disparaging moan as Joel's cock slips out of him, leaving him feel so empty like it always does, but he wastes no time in turning around to face his husband. His ass is just the slightest bit sore, the minor sting caused by Joel's crafty substitution for lube is only amplified from how Joel's filled him just now, but he doesn't care. It's a good pain, he'd take it all over like this again and again because this had been raw. This had picked at the scabs of his memories and covered them up bit by bit, and Spencer is so grateful to Joel for that. He's not magically cured because they've had sex, that's not what this had ever been about in the first place, but he feels safe. He feels safe in the library like he's been hoping--praying, even, just the one time, though he'd felt so utterly foolish after--he would for months now, and he's known all along that Joel is the only person who could help him face his fears head-on. He just hadn't been ready yet.

They're somehow still standing but that won't do, not when the way Joel's looking at him right now makes every last inch of him tremble with the love he can only hope is evident enough in his own eyes. He scrambles for something to say, for something that would be enough in this moment, for something that's poignant and meaningful and not a quote from a book because this love is all their own. It's not something anyone else could ever hope to put words to, not when Spencer can't even do it himself. He can't stop the tears now, and he lets out a shuddering breath as his lips part but his head shakes and he leans forward to bury his face in the crook of Joel's neck. Nothing is enough for this man, deemed true by Spencer because he's never experienced anything as pure as what they have. People, he's learned over the years, can be awful. They can be petty and cruel and unforgiving, and he imagines that he can be guilty of that, too; but not with Joel. Never with Joel.

Joel had shown Spencer light when he'd been shrouded in darkness, a self-imposed solitary of his mind and body that nobody had been able to successfully penetrate until that day. Joel Baker had created a barrier between him and Spencer and that debris but in the process, he'd broken down every single wall Spencer had dedicated himself to building for years. They'd started with protection and promises of safety and now they're here, living up to the very same. He leans forward to press a shaky kiss to Joel's lips, tears slowing but still falling as he gently nudges his husband back toward the shelves.

Nothing he could say could encompass all that he feels, he could live a thousand years and not be able to explain every piece of Joel that brings him joy, brings him life, but Spencer thinks he wants to try because Joel deserves it. He deserves to know every single day just how much he's changed Spencer's life. "You have all of me," he murmurs as they sink down to the floor. "Always. I don't think I was living for a long time before you found me and now..." They're both sticky, bodies slick with sweat and come and the library smells like sex, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters but them right now. He takes one of Joel's hands and presses it to his chest, over his heart. "All of me, Joel. All for you."

There are tears on Spencer's cheeks, but Joel knows better than to be alarmed by now; he's looked that way many times himself and all he does is reach up with one hand, gently brushing them away with the pad of his thumb before following the path his thumb takes with his lips, pressing kisses against Spencer's damp, salty skin. Somehow they end up moving back toward the shelves and somehow they end up on the floor together, though Joel can't remember how they've gotten there, not when the only thing he can think of is how nice it feels just to have Spencer so close to him again. It's a constant distraction, being married to Spencer, and Joel knows he wouldn't have it any other way. He spends so much of his day now getting caught up in thoughts of Spencer and although he loves working with him and is extremely grateful for what he's doing at the store, there are times when he finds himself just leaning on the counter and watching Spencer work, completely distracted from his own work. He has no idea how he worked any other way, though. Now that Spencer is there, Joel really doesn't know what he used to do without him and he knows he'll never be able to go back to how things were. It's a good thing he won't have to.

He rests his hand against Spencer's chest, holding it there, feeling his heart beating against his chest and he's pleased to notice it's going as fast as his own. There's no doubt in his mind that Spencer wants him, that they're both equally attracted to one another, but it still feels nice to have that reminder of what he and Spencer have just done to each other, how breathless and boneless they both feel. He smiles, leaning close enough that he can nuzzle against Spencer's throat again, pressing more soft kisses to his skin. "All of you," he murmurs in agreement, but the sentiment is more than simply returned, because Spencer has all of him, too. There's nothing he wouldn't do, no lengths he wouldn't go to, and there's just no part of him that isn't completely, irrevocably in love with Spencer.

"All of me, too," he says, leaning back against the shelf and he knows they have to get up, but maybe they can leave it for now. Maybe they can just lie here together until someone comes home and they have to move. Maybe Raleigh will get home and take care of Huxley for them and Joel is about to suggest this to Spencer, he's about to pull back enough that he can see him when he hears movement. The library door is closed, but the sound of the front door opening and closing is very clear and he glances over at Spencer, biting down on his lower lip to keep himself from grinning. It really isn't funny, they're about thirty seconds away from getting caught completely naked if someone decides to come into the library looking for them, but he can't help it. As long as they don't actually get caught, it is funny.

"Hi, sweetheart." Joel can hear his mother's voice through the door and it's obvious she's speaking to Huxley whose nails are clicking on the floor as he wanders out of the living room. "Did your owners leave you all alone out here?"

"Where are they?" Brian asks and Joel presses his face against Spencer's shoulder, still trying not to laugh.

"It's later than we thought we'd be, maybe they've gone to bed," Ellie suggests and Joel can hear the smile in her voice. "They're still newlyweds, after all. You remember how often we went to bed early right after we got married."

Joel's shoulders are shaking with laughter, but at least he's managed not to make any sound just yet.

"They are very happy, aren't they?" Brian asks and his voice is moving a little closer to the library. Close enough that Joel freezes, sucking in a breath. "I never thought I would see Joel like this again, smiling so easily. It's like having him back in a way. Back to the boy he was before everything happened. I don't know if Spencer will ever truly understand how grateful I am to him for making Joel as happy as he does."

He's still breathing heavily, though the shallow pants are slowing into something more regular, and he rests his head against the uneven row of books behind him with a gratified smile. Spencer stretches his legs out and rests his free hand on Joel's thigh, crossing them at his ankles and lazily letting himself slouch down the shelf until he's comfortably leaning against his husband's side. The floor is cold, it makes him shiver, but the rest of him is still warm from the flush that had spread over his body from having Joel inside him, moving so expertly, loving him.

The voices barely even register with him at first because he's still so lost in a post-orgasmic haze that oftens just puts hims to sleep when they're in their own bed; but then Joel's hiding his face in Spencer's shoulder, and Spencer realizes that they're far, far too close to being caught. For all the times they've gotten so caught up in each other to care about anyone else, they've only been walked in on the one time, by Charlotte, and Spencer supposes--quite resignedly--that it would only be appropriate for Joel's parents to be the next ones to find them in a compromising position. It's very much the last things, he'd rather have Charlotte catch them having sex a thousand times over than have his in-laws find a scene like this, but he can't help but bite down hard on his lip to suppress a laugh when he feels Joel's shoulders shaking next to him.

"Oh, god," he whispers, the start of a snort escaping him before he claps a hand over his mouth, shaking his head hard enough for his hair to whip back and forth. He can hear Huxley trotting along, imagines that their puppy is probably leaping from the ground for Ellie and Brian's attention right about now, and the blush that creeps across his cheeks at the mention of how many times Joel's parents had gone to bed makes him feel like he's coming awfully close to dying of embarrassment. He looks to Joel, jaw dropped in horrified shock but eyes sparkling with amusement, until Brian speaks again. The mock horror fades from his expression, and he doesn't know what to do with the things he's hearing.

Ellie and Brian like him, Spencer has been comfortable with that as fact since the day they'd all met, but to know that this is how they feel about him fills him with overhwelming gratitude that they had trusted him so easily with their son. He knows that Ellie had had her reservations at first, no matter what the cause, but she and Brian both have welcomed him into their family with open arms and Spencer has only admitted to Joel that the first day they'd had them at the house, Spencer had gone into the bathroom just to cry with relief. It's not as if he'd expected them to lecture them, treat them like they'd made a horrible decision by getting married, make them feel horribly guilty for not inviting them; but he hadn't known what to expect so when Brian had announced how pleased he was to have "two gay sons," Spencer had laughed so hard that he'd been sure he'd pull something.

It had been after dinner that he'd had to excuse himself because sitting at that dining room table, the one he'd eaten at with his own mother and brother for twenty-one years, had hit him so suddenly that it had overwhelmed him. Two years has felt like two lifetimes without a family to call his own and when he'd married Joel, he'd all but overlooked the fact that he was going to be adopted into another.

"Spencer's a good man," Ellie is saying, her voice softening, and Spencer is sure that he'll never be able to speak again because his chest is swelling with emotion and his heart feels like it's beating in his throat. "And he's good for Joel. All this time, I've been hoping that Joel would find the right girl, and he's had the right man in front of him all along."

Spencer squeezes his husband's thigh gently, pressing a kiss to Joel's temple and whispering, "I love you so much" in his husband's ear. He'll do anything to keep Joel happy, to make sure that he lives up to everything Brian and Ellie think him to be, and it's a promise he'll make gladly. It's easy with Joel. It's easy to want to be a better man, to be the best man, because his husband deserves no less. His husband deserves the world.

It does Joel a world of good, too, hearing his parents speak like that about Spencer. There have been moments when he's been certain they've worried about the two of them, thought maybe perhaps they were moving too quickly, although Joel has always felt that more from his mother than from his father. Brian has always been like that, always happy to go with the flow and do whatever everyone else is doing, so long as that makes people happy. He's been accused of laziness, but Joel knows now that there's just so little that truly ruffles his father and given how uptight his mother can get now and then, he thinks they make an extremely good pair. Ellie pushes Brian to care when he might otherwise just let something go and Brian reminds Ellie to relax when something really isn't as hard as she's making it out to be. He knows that his father talked to her that first day, the one when he'd admitted to them that he was in a relationship with a man, he knows it was his father who eased her down from the confusion she mistook for anger.

And now they're here. They're wrapped up in each other, sitting naked on the floor of the library, and just outside the door, his parents are both talking about how much they love Spencer, how much they approve of their relationship and Joel just draws in a deep breath as if he's about to say something, then lets it out instead, a big smile curving his lips. He doesn't know if he could speak right now. His chest feels tight with emotion and his eyes are watering a little and all he manages is to slip his arm around Spencer and tug him closer.

"I saw a box of baby clothes in their bedroom the other day," Brian says thoughtfully and Joel freezes, looking down at Spencer with a faintly guilty expression. He had just really wanted to get that bunny onesie out of the box before Spencer managed to get rid of it somehow and so he'd brought the entire box down to go through, just in case there had been any other gems hiding under the piles of clothes. But Raleigh had needed something and he'd left the box in the middle of their bedroom, the door wide open, probably for at least an hour. Long enough for his father to see, anyway, and it's not that they're keeping their plans a secret, really, Joel just doesn't see the point in mentioning it until there's actually a surrogate involved, someone they've decided to go forward with.

"Oh, Brian," Ellie says, her voice hushed. Joel can hear her clicking Huxley's leash onto his collar and he's grateful they'll be able to make a break for the bedroom in a few minutes. "Do you think..."

"I don't know," he says. "I hope so. They would make such good parents."

"They would," Ellie agrees. "They're both smart and they both have so much more love in them than I think they realize."

Their voices are getting distance, they're taking Huxley outside and Joel thinks they should move, but he's too busy blinking up at the ceiling, trying not to let his parents' words overwhelm him. It's not that his parents have ever been terribly uncommunicative with their feelings, he's always felt very loved and accepted, and he knows they've always believed the best of him, but there's something so different in hearing kind things said when someone thinks no one else is listening. It means more. It's special.

The front door opens and closes again, and Joel looks over at Spencer, his eyes shining. "I love you, too," he says, pressing a kiss against his mouth. "And so do my parents. And so will our baby."

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