just_another | [spencer]

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spencer

[spencer]

The weather is turning cooler, which Joel loves, and he takes his time walking Huxley this evening, letting the wind blow through his hair -- it's getting longer, his mother has pointed out since arriving and he'll need to cut it soon -- as he walks first down toward the beach and then back home again. His parents are going to be out for the evening and he's looking forward to getting home and having some time alone with just Spencer. Having his parents visiting has actually been kind of nice, despite the initial fear he'd had that they'd be hurt. They had come bearing gifts -- a beautiful silver picture frame and a first edition novel for Spencer -- and have both been nothing but happy for the two of them, but he's still looking forward to the quiet evening alone.

They're visiting friends and the sun has mostly dipped behind the trees when Joel finally gets home, glad to see their rented car is still gone. His hands are cold and he flexes them, trying to get some feeling back into his fingertips as he opens the front door and then drops into a crouch to unclip Huxley's leash from his collar, letting the puppy roam into the house. As always, he goes straight to the kitchen, then returns a moment later, as Joel unties his shoes.

"No one there?" he asks, smiling down at the puppy, who trots around the first level of the house, his tail wagging as he searches for Raleigh or Spencer or Joel's father, his new favourite person, mostly because Brian seems to drop an awful lot of food whenever Huxley is around. As Joel hangs up his jacket, he hears the puppy let out an excited yip in the living room and he turns in that direction, sure he'll find Spencer working on something.

They've both been working a lot lately, between the bakery and Crossroads and the work they've put into their future family. They seem to have come to the decision that finding a surrogate will be the best fit for them and they've spent a few nights looking. Joel has signed up for one agency in particular that he liked the look of and they've been sending him e-mails whenever new surrogates that fit what they're looking for come available. So he walks into the living room, expecting to find Spencer hard at work and he stops, smiling when he finds him reading instead, a warm fire burning in the fireplace. It's a nice sight and he walks around the back of the couch, brushing his hand over the back of Spencer's neck, knowing full well his hands are still cold.

There's a good chance he does it on purpose.

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Spencer doesn't know when the switch happens, but he suddenly feels so vulnerable, so incredibly bare in a way that means more than just the fact that his clothes litter the floor of the library; but he's not afraid, not self-conscious, not when Joel has him in his arms and is leaving the softest trail of kisses over his cheek and threading his hand through Spencer's hair. He shivers, closing his eyes as he lets the love radiating from every part of his husband chase away the ghosts of memories that aren't welcome here right now. For a moment, he just rests his forehead on Joel's shoulder, pressing a kiss against the smooth skin and letting his hands come to a rest on Joel's hips.

It's something he's known from the beginning, that he's safe wherever Joel is, he's protected in a way nobody else could ever hope to understand and in a way nobody else could provide. The library had been the one place of the house that had been his and his alone, the one place that hadn't yet existed when his mother and brother had died, when he'd walked into that backyard and had his life changed forever. That one place had been taken from him so cruelly, the illusion of saftey had been broken, shattered, just like the glass that had caused his blood to speckle the floor; but just like the last time he'd stood in this room with Joel's arms arounds him, that fear and anxiety that had been growing quietly within him seem to slowly fade away.

Something in his throat tightens and his eyes well up as he lifts his head to meet Joel's gaze, brushing his fingertips over his husband's cheekbone, down the line of his jaw, then leaning in to kiss him again as he leans his knee against the bookshelf to get even closer. He lets out a low whine at the feel of Joel's finger circling his ass, knowing very well that tonight, something's going to be different. Something's going to change. It's not just the anticipation of how Joel will prepare him or the fact that they're going to have sex somewhere new, it's knowing that after they make love tonight, Spencer won't have to look at this room as just another place that causes him pain. Joel does this for him, turns the things that hurt Spencer most into memories he can tuck away--not to forget completely but to replace with something better, something stronger than tragedy.

"I--" He nearly chokes on his words, and he shakes his head as he takes a deep breath, willing the tears not to spill down his cheeks. "I don't know how to do any of this without you anymore." He swallows hard, gently tilting Joel's chin up so he can trail his tongue down the length of his husband's neck, nipping lightly at the hollow his neck as he slowly works his way down to his chest. He needs to taste Joel again, needs to show Joel just how much he means every word he's ever said to him. "You're everything, baby, you're everything to me."

He looks up at his husband, making sure that they're holding each other's gaze as he takes Joel's length in his mouth, taking him deep until the head of his cock reaches the back of Spencer's throat. He doesn't break eye contact, using one hand to grip Joel's ass for leverage and the other to grip around Joel's shaft as he pulls back to suck. They only have each other to rely on when it comes to a source of lube and as much as he wants the cock in his mouth to be thrusting into him right now, Spencer knows that they ought to take their time.

There are already shivers working through him even before Spencer tips his chin up, even before his tongue traces down the length of his neck and he groans, a noise he doesn't think he could muffle even if he wanted to. They're lucky no one is home, because Joel's already more than lost in the sensations of Spencer touching him, in the feeling of his hands and his mouth, and there's nothing else in the world he can think of. There's absolutely no way he'll be able to remember himself later if he's already so completely caught up in how good everything feels. In the day to day, Joel tries, he really does. Knowing they're not often entirely alone in the house means he can't exactly cry out the way he wants to when he comes and he's done his best to remember that, but tonight it's just the two of them and Joel doesn't have to think of anything other than how incredible Spencer's hands feel when they roam over his body.

"Oh, god," he breathes, leaning heavily against the shelf behind him, one of his hands groping for leverage and finding the edge of one shelf in particular. His other hand falls first to Spencer's shoulder, fingers pressing into his skin as he meets his husband's gaze and he's gotten better with practice, he can last longer now when they're together, but there's something in Spencer's eyes that nearly undoes him right there and Joel lets out a soft whine as he squeezes his eyes shut. They need to take their time, he knows they do, but another deep shiver races through him and he has to force himself not to look, not to think about how amazing everything feels, because if he does he knows he isn't going to last very long and he wants this to be perfect. He wants to give Spencer everything he needs, he wants to make this night memorable enough that it helps him write over the terrible memories he has of this room.

"Spencer," he murmurs, opening his eyes again as his hand moves, cupping his cheek first and then the back of his head. He's not thrusting, but his fingers clench lightly, tugging at Spencer's hair and he puts all his focus on the hand he has gripping the shelf. If he concentrates on that, if he clenches his fingers tighter against the wood then he can look down at Spencer without feeling like he's going to completely come undone within moments. It won't last forever, but he needs to hold on.

"You're so... you... god, you're good at this," he finally manages to say, a breathless sort of laugh escaping him. Everything they do together feels incredible and Joel knows neither of them are particularly experienced, but he's fairly certain their relationships speaks to the fact that experience isn't always necessary. Being this comfortable with someone, being this turned on by Spencer's mere proximity, knowing they can trust each other, knowing there's nothing he can say or ask for that would make Spencer judge him, that is what makes them work so well together. He would never have this with anyone else, he'd never find it with another person, because it's Spencer who puts him at ease, who frees him to feel so comfortable.

They don't have to have been with a dozen other people to be good for each other. He's glad they haven't been. Everything he does, every moan he makes, every roll of his hips, every single time he's aroused, it's all for Spencer. Joel's never thought of saving himself or anything like that, he's just never really cared until Spencer came into his life, and now he's glad there hadn't been anyone else in such a long time. He was waiting for this and he's so glad he did.

His lips curve into a pleased smile around Joel's cock as he bobs his head, reveling in the weight of his husband on his tongue and the taste of him that he'd be happy to swallow down if he wasn't already so eager to have Joel moving inside him tonight. Spencer had been entirely sincere earlier when he'd said he likes nights like these, nights when they can be completely alone, because it's rarer than he would have imagined. They're not especially social people and it isn't as if Raleigh's much of a party girl herself so more often than not, their intimacy has to be shared as silently as they can manage. The wall that separates their room from Raleigh's isn't exactly soundproof, they're all very well aware of this, and on the occasions that Spencer and Joel are a bit more reckless with their moans than usual, Spencer has always noticed that Raleigh doesn't quite look either of them in the eyes the next morning.

They aren't particularly self-conscious about showing each other affection in public--which had come as a surprise as first, if he's honest--but at the same time, they're still both very private men. Spencer has never told anyone the details of his and Joel's sex life, can't imagine that he ever will, and he's certain the same is true of his husband. These moments of intimacy are for them, only for them, and it's when they're alone that they can take full advantage of that. The night of their wedding had been incredible partly for that reason, there hadn't been any need to tiptoe or be cautious or even remotely think of anybody else. Their thoughts, their touches, their words had only been for each other.

When he has to bury his face in the crook of Joel's shoulder when he comes, when he has to press a hand against his mouth to keep from gasping too loudly at how amazing it feels to have Joel fill him so thoroughly, it doesn't take away from the perfection of the moment; but when they can be freer, when they can spend every ounce of energy on each other, it always just feels better. It's like that tonight, he thinks, because he can't even find it in himself to worry about might happen if he suddenly panics, if he makes one wrong move or looks at just the wrong part of the floor or even breathes the wrong way. Tonight is about his marriage, about the love he shares with his husband and just how strong their connection is, so strong that it's enough to chase away the fear of everything in this moment. Joel has always made him stronger and as he licks along the underside of his husband's shaft and laps at the head of his cock, Spencer lets out a ragged, desperate moan that resonates through the room.

"You taste so good," he murmurs, taking Joel's length in his hand and stroking as he reaches between his legs with his other hand to do the same to his own cock. He gently twists his hand, breath hitching as he watches the way Joel's erection pushes through his fist, wanting so badly to see it disappear into his ass instead. Nobody else will ever see this side of Spencer, the side of him that becomes so wanton and needy and wicked, it's reserved only for Joel. Darcy had only seen him nervous, unsure of himself and what he'd been doing, but Joel... From the very beginning, Joel has put him at ease, made it easier for Spencer to accept that being himself is more than enough.

"Joel." It comes out as more of a whimper, the name of the one man, the only person who means more to him than anything else in this world. He swallows hard before licking his lips, the taste of Joel's cock still fresh on his tongue, and he presses a kiss to Joel's hip before looking up at him with urgency in his eyes. "Joel, I need you. I need you."

He knows he needs to get control of himself, find a way to focus on Spencer instead of just losing himself in the sensation of his husband's lips and tongue on his cock, and Joel tips his head back, staring up at the ceiling as his chest heaves and he tries to catch his breath. It almost works, he's almost able to calm himself down, but then Spencer says he needs him and Joel feels something inside him ready to unravel as his body sags back against the shelf. Very distantly, he considers himself lucky that whoever Spencer had build the library did a good job of it, because the shelf supports his weight and Joel almost laughs before he lets himself look down at Spencer again. He's never felt anything like this. Nothing in his life even comes close and his smile softens a little as his fingers ghost over the curve of Spencer's cheek. He's never loved anyone like this, he's never wanted so badly to make someone happy, to protect them, to do anything in the world to keep them safe and content and feeling loved, and Joel knows how special it is. He knows how unusual. He knows he'll never take this for granted or forget just how incredibly lucky he is that Spencer loves him in return.

"Stand up," he murmurs, his voice hoarse and ragged as his fingers hook gently under Spencer's chin. He urges him to stand, then hooks an arm around him, tugging him close so Joel can kiss him again, long and slow, his hips arching forward, grinding himself against Spencer's hip and he knows what Spencer wants, but it's so easy to get distracted. Everything about Spencer distracts him from the feel of his warm skin under Joel's hands to the sounds he makes, the way his breath hitches out of him when Joel presses up tighter against him. He loves knowing he can do that, he can control the gasps and breaths that come out of Spencer when they're like this, he loves knowing that if he grazes his teeth along the sensitive skin of Spencer's throat, that his eyes are going to close and he's going to make a soft sound caught somewhere between a sigh and a moan.

But he knows what Spencer wants and after he chases the path his teeth have taken with the tip of his tongue, Joel nudges him back gently, then turns him around, guiding him toward the railing. Like the shelf, he's sure it's strong enough, at least for now, and when he has Spencer turned against him he ducks his head, pressing kisses along the back of his neck, across the span of his shoulders. It's so easy to write Spencer off as a tall, skinny man, someone who might be all sharp angles and bones, but Joel is the only one who gets to see him like this. He's the only one who knows under Spencer's sweaters -- or Joel's cardigans, more often than not, the ones that are far too big on him -- there's warm, smooth skin over lean muscle and he mumbles something incoherent against the curve of Spencer's shoulder as his hands roam over his body. He's the only one who gets to slide his hands down Spencer's back, who knows what he looks like when he's undressed, who gets to appreciate every movement, every shift of his body, and he hopes Spencer knows that he does appreciate it all.

Joel's mouth follows his hands and he presses kisses down the centre of Spencer's back, over the ridges of his spine as he slowly lowers himself to his knees. His hands anchor themselves over the edges of Spencer's hips and for a moment he can only sit there on his knees, holding onto Spencer, his lips pressed against the dip of his lower back. "I love you so much," he murmurs against Spencer's skin, turning his head slightly to rub his cheek against him. Then he tugs gently, pulling Spencer's hips toward him a little, angling his back so he can press a kiss to the curve of his ass, his lips tugged into a grin briefly.

This is his life now. This is his perfect life, one he never imagined he'd have, one he'd never looked for. He's never expected to feel so loved, so trusted, and as his tongue flicks out, sweeping over Spencer's skin, a tease more than anything right now, he feels a swell of emotion, one he feels every single time they're intimate. Then it's lost in a moan as his hands tighten on Spencer, pulling him harder against his mouth, his tongue working over him and inside him and Joel knows it's just preparation, but he's also certain he could lose himself in this.

He feels a bit of a rush at being gently bent over the banister, legs spread for his husband as he readies himself for what's to come. A few months ago, they'd been up here sharing a bottle of whiskey and feelings that neither of them had been able to make much sense of yet. Spencer remembers blaming everything on the whiskey that had gotten him drunk, to be sure, but hadn't taken him so far over the edge of reason that he hadn't imagined with perfect clarity what it would be like to kiss Joel, even to just touch him. He'd even found himself, at one point, wishing that he'd fallen on the way back down the ladder because he'd already known Joel would catch him. It's like they'd skipped past all exercises in trust, Spencer had simply known that Joel would be there, and it had been both exhilarating and significantly terrifying at the same time.

To think that they've come so far in so short a time might be cause for alarm if Joel was anybody else but he isn't, Joel is Joel, the only person who's ever understood and accepted Spencer for exactly who he is. Spencer doesn't feel the typical need to hide parts of himself from his husband, and he hadn't exactly created a false persona for himself for others, but he'd always been quiet and withdrawn, not like he is with Joel. Even when they don't speak, they manage to say so much to each other, and he's never had that kind of connection with anyone else. The closest he'd come had been with Dane, but it had been different. They're brothers, they'd been close, and Spencer had trusted Dane with most things. Joel, though, Spencer trusts with everything. His mind, his body, his heart--all of him belongs to Joel, and it's incredible to know that Joel gives Spencer all of himself in return.

There's no holding back his ragged moan when he feels Joel's tongue entering him. He'd been anticipating it but without the ease of being able to turn his head to see what his husband's doing, he's left only with a vague idea of everything Joel might do to him tonight. It's like the evening they'd shared on the Fourth of July, when Joel had turned him over on the table and fucked him, or when Joel had done this to him for the first time on the couch in Crossroads. Spencer loves being face-to-face with Joel when they're intimate because it means Joel can lean in to kiss him, to brush his hair from his face, to get as close to him as possible; but there's something enormously appealing about this, too, about having every last nerve in his body tingling with the expectancy and excitement.

Joel's tongue works masterfully inside of him, and Spencer knows very well that if they carry on for long he'll come just like this. He can't resist pushing his hips back in an effort to feel his husband's tongue moving deeper, and he shivers at how incredible it feels when Joel spreads his ass wider with his hands somehow gentle and firm all at once. He wants to return this favor for Joel, one day and soon, because Spencer is fairly certain that there are few things that could possibly be more intimate. This isn't something he'd do for just anyone, isn't something he'd let just anyone do to him. It takes an immense level of trust to let someone this close, to be this free with his body, entirely unashamed and unafraid. Nobody had even seen him naked in over eleven years by the time Joel had found him and now, there's nobody else he could ever want.

"Oh, god." Another shudder rocks his body as he drops his head to his chest, knuckles white from gripping the railing so tightly. He's been up here many times, has let his legs dangle over the edge of the second level as he'd flip through the pages of a book, and now it feels like being home again because his husband has made it so. The library had been his place of refuge for so long and that sense of safety had been stripped from it in the blink of an eye. This, though. This is starting to make up for that, and Spencer knows he still has a long way to go in the healing process but he has the best kind of help. He reaches a trembling hand between his legs and strokes his cock, rubbing his thumb over the head to spread the pre-come that's pooled there before resuming with pushing through his fist. He closes his eyes, unsure of whether the image of Joel's cock or tongue in his ass is the more desirable one right now, but he decides relatively quickly that he needs to be filled.

"You're going to make me come," he says, voice raw and laced with need, with desire. A well-placed flick of Joel's tongue makes him huff out a breathless laugh as he tightens his grip around his cock with a wince. "You're so-- God, I love you." He repeats the words between soft, sharp gasps, resting his chin on his shoulder as he tries to get a better view of what Joel's doing to him, but he doesn't last long in that task because he lets his eyes slip shut so he can get lost in the feeling of how amazing Joel always makes him feel.

"Not yet," Joel murmurs, a low laugh rumbling out of his chest and he wants to keep going, he loves so much when Spencer pushes back against his mouth, he thinks he could just spend hours like this, but he knows what Spencer wants and he wants it, too. He wants to stand up and press inside his husband bit by bit, taking his time, dragging it out and making sure they both enjoy it. And so he drags his tongue over Spencer's ass once more, a low moan of desire pulling out of him at the same time before he sits back a little and then presses two of his fingers into his mouth, making sure to slick them both to the point where he thinks they'll move easily inside Spencer. There's no lube in the library, it's probably the one room that doesn't have any besides the guest room and the kitchen, and the small bottle Joel has discreetly hidden in one of the inner pockets of his bag doesn't do them any good where it's currently sitting in the living room, so this will have to do. He'll have to be gentle and he'll have to take his time, which he's more than happy to do.

Still crouched on the floor, one hand on Spencer's ass, he leans in again, using his tongue, lapping at his skin until he replaces it with his finger, testing gently, twisting slightly as he presses it inside Spencer. It's not the same as lube, which he's grown used to, but he's pleased by the ease with which his finger slides into Spencer's body and he has to fight back a groan as he slowly fucks him with it, drawing it out for as long as possible before adding a second. He's so in love and so aroused that he's dizzy with it, his head spinning at the feeling of Spencer's body hot and tight around his fingers and the knowledge that this is it. For the rest of his life, this is it, this is the only person he's ever going to touch in such an intimate way, the only person who is ever going to touch him in return and he's sure there are people who would hate that knowledge, who might be bored or frightened by it, but all it does for Joel is drive him on. It's everything, it's exactly what he needs, everything he wants. This is it for the rest of his life.

"Spencer, my god," he murmurs, slowly getting to his feet, his fingers still inside him. He presses kisses up the length of his spine as he rises, nuzzling against his shoulder blade and then the back of his neck. His tongue flicks out against the soft skin just behind Spencer's ear and Joel wants so badly to be inside him, wants to be pressed up against his back, his arm locked around his torso, holding them as close together as he possibly can while he slowly moves in and out of him. Fighting back another moan feels so natural when they spend so much time having to be quiet, but they're alone in the house, there's no one else to hear them and so he doesn't bother, he just closes his eyes and slowly pulls his fingers free from Spencer before he wraps that arm around him.

"Are you okay?" he asks, lifting his other hand to wet his palm with saliva and he knows there's no one else in the world he'd ever feel this comfortable with. There's no one he'd be so willing to do anything, no one he'd be so free with and as he reaches down to take his cock in his hand, slicking himself slowly, he feels a little lightheaded with it all again. He's so lucky, he's so happy, he never wants to take any of it for granted, and he presses his lips against Spencer's shoulder, his eyes squeezed shut tight against tears that are suddenly threatening.

The head of his cock nudges against Spencer's ass, but he just barely presses forward, still raining kisses down across his shoulders. He needs Spencer to tell him it's okay, he needs to know before he does anything because it's different this time, he has to be careful. And he wants so badly to just be inside Spencer that he has to muffle a faint sob against his shoulder, his cock pressing against him again. "Tell me it's okay," he murmurs.

Spencer's panting now, short, shallow breaths that he can barely control, and he already feels absolutely wrecked but this is what Joel does to him. He wants to laugh at the question of whether he's okay, wants to answer that no, he's not okay, because Joel cock isn't inside him yet, and he steels himself before moving his hips back so that he can sink onto his husband's length. He lets out a whimper that's really more like a hiss because as well as Joel has prepared him, it still stings a bit without the lube, but that isn't going to matter in the long run. It's not going to matter when Joel's pounding into him, making him scream because there's nobody in the house to hear it, and that thought is what makes him move further back, encouraging Joel to push deeper inside of him.

He squeezes his eyes shut to keep the tears that have welled there from falling, and it's not from the pain but from the way Joel keeps leaving kisses across the stretch of his shoulders, the way he keeps whispering into his ear, asking if he's okay, telling him it's going to be okay, and Spencer needs this so badly. He needs this to be okay, in this room especially, and he looks over his shoulder to search for his husband's eyes until their gazes lock. A quote pops into his mind then, one whose creator hasn't been recorded: 'I love you because you are my life.' There are so many things in this world that Spencer could have chosen to live for but it had been Joel who'd wiped the slate clean for him. It's Joel who hadn't made him feel like he had to start over, only that he had to remember that he's capable of being the man he is now. Joel has helped shape him into that man, Spencer feels infinite gratitude to him for that and to the world for giving him the incredible gift that is his husband.

He moves a hand off from the railing and it almost makes his knees buckle but it's worth it because it means he can rest it over the arm Joel has around his waist. He threads their fingers together, bottom lip trembling--everything trembling--as he offers a crooked smile and pushes back until Joel's fully inside him, throwing his head back and dropping his mouth wide without managing to make a sound. His body freezes for a moment, unable to do anything but process how amazing this feels along with the short spurts of pain that shoot up his spine, though he's not sure if it's the pain or pleasure that makes him shudder. His hand is squeezing Joel's tight and he slowly relaxes his grip, taking in deep breaths as he adjusts for his husband. His shoulders lose their tension, and Joel is as patient as Spencer had known he'd be, Joel could be no other way.

"'m okay," he murmurs, eyes looking toward the ceiling. It's the answer to a question that has already been answered, and he rolls his hips backwards before letting out a visceral moan. From this angle, it's like Joel's so deep inside him that Spencer thinks he can feel him everywhere, filling every part of his body that craves him. Spencer loosens around Joel's cock for the ease of movement, letting out another gasp as his husband pulls back almost all the way then thrusts back into him. The sound of skin against skin echoes through the library, and Spencer thinks it's a good replacement for the shattering of glass. Another thrust makes him cry out, makes him feel free because he doesn't have to hold back tonight, neither of them do. This is their home, their life together, their moment of intimacy that nobody else can touch, not even the ghosts that haunt them.

"You're perfect," he says between the grunts he lets out as Joel sets a steady rhythm, their bodies pressed close together as they move in harmony just as they always do. It's as if they'd been made to fit together like this, they'd been puzzle pieces cast aside in favor of the edges that are always easier to assemble first. They'd found each other somehow, in the middle of a mess that had led them here, to a picture that will only become more complete as they continue to love each other, to grow with each other, to remember to take full advantage of their lives together. "You're perfect. Everything. You're my everything, I'm yours, always going to be yours."

He's rambling now, the words spilling out of his mouth with reckless abandon as he loses himself in the feel of riding his husband's cock, bent over the banister of their library. He tightens around Joel's length and shudders again, wishing that this didn't ever have to end, but he realizes then that it really doesn't. He could have this every night for the rest of his life, Joel would give that to him because Joel would give him anything that's in his power to give. Spencer would do the same, has known that since the beginning, and it's with a distinct sense of gusto that he beings to push down harder on Joel's cock, harder and faster as he huffs out a humorless laugh.

"Yours," he says again, "show me I'm yours."

Spencer doesn't answer him, not with words anyway, but when he presses back, Joel can't help but push forward, his cock sliding into Spencer's body and it's not with the same sort of ease he can normally thrust into him, but he can't seem to stop himself and he doesn't think Spencer wants him to anyway. There's so much about this moment he wants to remember, so much of this that will only ever belong to them and when Spencer's head arches back against his shoulder, when he threads their fingers and squeezes his hand so tightly, Joel lets out a choked off moan that does nothing to express just how incredible he feels. He moves carefully at first, but it doesn't take long for Spencer's body to adjust to him, to let him in and then Spencer is speaking, telling him he's perfect and Joel has to squeeze his eyes shut tight again because everything is so overwhelming and he needs to have control over himself for just a little while longer. This is about both of them, it's about how they feel when they're together as it always is, but it's bigger than that, too. It's about making new memories for Spencer in this room, it's about giving something back to his husband, something so big and important that Joel will do anything to make this right.

"You're mine," he echoes, the words a breathless growl against Spencer's ear and he braces himself, plants his feet so he can thrust into him harder and at the same time the hand that isn't locked around Spencer's waist slides down, smoothing over his skin until his fingers brush against the base of his cock. "You're mine and I'm yours and... oh god, Spencer," he breathes as he wraps his hand around his cock, his grip tightening for just a moment as he feels Spencer's body tightening around him.

He's never felt this good and it's the same thing he thinks every single time he and Spencer are intimate. He's never felt this good, everything only ever gets better with them and he knows it's because he falls in love with Spencer more every single day. When he wakes up in the morning and turns over in bed, before the sun has even come up, hours yet before he knows Spencer will wake up, he often just lies there and listens to him breathing. He'll shuffle closer under the blankets and slide his arm around Spencer's waist, tucking himself against Spencer's back so he can feel every breath he takes and he'll fall asleep like that when normally he would be up for the day. There had been a time when Joel would wake up at four in the morning and he'd be awake, that would be it, but it's different now. He can wrap himself around Spencer, lose himself in the rhythm of his breath and slip right back to sleep.

Or he looks at him from across a room -- any room -- and he's struck dumb by how amazing a man he's found. He'll simply stand there, floored all over again by the fact that Spencer had not only agreed to go on a date with him, but had fallen in love with him, had invited Joel to live with him, had agreed to marry him. It happens at least once a day and it's happening again now as he thrusts into Spencer, sweat clinging to his back, his chest, the hollow of his throat. He is by far the luckiest person alive for someone like Spencer to want him in any way, and Joel's arm tightens around him, his face pressed against the side of Spencer's throat so he can breathe him in.

His fist moves over Spencer's cock, stroking him in time with his thrusts, and Joel has no idea how he's still standing when his knees feel this weak. "I love you," he whispers against Spencer's ear and he only realizes now that he's been murmuring it for a few moments, that he's been saying it over and over again, but it's the thing he feels most keenly, right down through his bones. He was meant to be here, he was meant to love this man and he'll do it to the best of his ability until the day he dies and beyond. Joel doesn't believe in the afterlife, he doesn't believe he'll go to a happy, glowy place in the sky where he'll be with his loved ones again, but he believes in energy. He has to when he can see it so clearly and he knows, whatever is left of him when this body gives up, it will always love Spencer.

The words come out in a harsh puff of air--you're mine--and Spencer knows he's finished. At least in that one moment, he's finished, he could collapse right now and die happy, and it's because being with Joel has always been so much that it's too much. This feels like too much love for one person to have for another. He's wrong, of course. From the day they'd met, his feelings for Joel--his love for Joel--had grown with every passing second. He'd let himself become consumed by someone for the first time in his life and it should have been terrifying because he knows what it's like to be used, to be judged, to be pitied, to be hated. Joel has never made him felt that way and that's how Spencer had known he was different. Joel hadn't thought twice to save his life the day of the Hydra, the day of that monster in the water, the day of the lighthouse, but Joel had saved him, too, from a self-imposed isolation that Spencer hadn't even realized had been slowly destroying him.

He never has to be alone again. They'd taken longer than most to get their relationship started because they'd been nervous, both of them sure of what they'd felt but doubting the other. Spencer has no doubt now, none whatsoever, and he rests the back of his head on Joel's shoulder as his husband moves so expertly in and out of him, going the perfect pace and saying the simplest but most perfect things. You're mine. I love you. He doesn't need more than that. He doesn't need flowery language or hyperbolic poetry; he doesn't need grand gestures or expensive gifts to remind him that Joel loves him. He's reminded of how much he's loved all the time, with every look that he and Joel share. He's being reminded of it now in the way his husband is thrusting so deeply inside of him, possessing him, making every awful memory that comes with being in this room slowly melt away.

When they come in here now, this is what he'll think about. It's not just a promise he's making himself, not just a thing he's thinking he'll do just so he doesn't have to admit that he's still afraid. He is still afraid, he'll always remember what Mark had done to him here, but he can't let that control him. This, he can give into safely, healthily, happily. Joel making love to him, stroking his cock, whispering in his ear, it's all so much more than Spencer could ever have thought would happen to him and the fact that it's happening here, in the place where Spencer wishes even now that he would have kissed Joel, is beyond significant. Sometimes he thinks he's beyond repair, that he's simply been too damaged to continue on in life as a proper human being, but Joel has changed that. Joel makes him feel like he can do anything.

He's tempted to wrap his other hand over Joel's, help his husband stroke his cock until he makes a mess of this library, but Spencer only grips the railing tighter. He knows his husband wants to take care of him tonight, as if he doesn't already do that every night, and besides that, he's sure that if he doesn't have a grip on the banister, he'll fall immediately to his knees as soon as Joel pulls out of him. His moaning is stilted, unsteady, and he knows he's getting close. He can feel all of Joel, every piece of him, and he loves to be filled but he also loves when their bodies are flush against each other because it's like they're acting as one unit. It's nothing new, not really, they're harmonious in most of the things they do together; but this, to be so in tune with each other's wants and needs like this, it speaks to something deeper. Something that will only ever be shared between the two of them. They belong to each other and it's with that thought echoing through his mind that he shudders in his arms, tears spilling down his cheeks, and grasps at the railing as his knees start to buckle.

"I'm-- Joel, please, please." He's begging but he's not entirely sure what it is he's begging for, whether he wants Joel to move faster or thrust harder or go deeper, or if he never wants Joel to stop.

"Spencer," Joel breathes, his eyes closed, his hand still moving over his cock as he thrusts deeper into him and that's it, that's all he's capable of because Spencer is begging him and he's saying please over and over again in that voice that makes Joel feel like everything inside him is being laid bare for Spencer to see. He always feels this way, more vulnerable, more exposed than he ever has before and it's the single most thrilling experience of his life. To have given so much to one person that he feels like Spencer knows every single part of him, can see every emotion, can feel all his thoughts and his fears, it should be scary, but it isn't and that's one of the many ways in which he knows Spencer is the person he's meant to be with. For so long he's been afraid to let people in, but it happened so quickly with Spencer, so easily, and here he is, the arm he has locked around Spencer's waist tightening as he comes inside him, his face pressed against his warm skin, gasping for air.

He doesn't know how he's still breathing, how he's still standing, how he's holding himself up against Spencer's body. His knees feel like they're locked in place and they're the only things keeping him from sinking to the ground in a satisfied, useless pile that only wants to be wrapped around Spencer until he falls asleep. Vaguely he realizes they can't sleep in here, he can't just curl up and press himself against Spencer's body and spend the rest of the night here. They have house guests, they have a puppy, they have responsibilities, but all he can think of right now is how incredible Spencer feels, still warm and tight around him. All he can think of is how good it feels to be pressed up against his back, his cock still buried deep inside him, his hand around the heavy warmth of Spencer's length. All he can think of is how in love he is, how happy he is, how he'll never want for anything so long as he has Spencer's love.

"I love you," he says again, nuzzling against the side of Spencer's throat and he knows he never wants to leave this place. The muscles in his arm actually hurt from holding on to Spencer's waist so tightly and he loosens his grip a little, but he doesn't pull away from him, not yet. All he can do is stand there and hope his legs don't give out any time soon because he wants to enjoy this. He wants to remember this night in the library as much as he wants Spencer to remember it. It's not just about making love to him in the library, it's not just about the physical aspect of it because their sex life is full and it's fun and Joel knows how much they enjoy one another, how good they make each other feel. This is about reminding Spencer why he loves this room and that Mark Fuller isn't around anymore and shouldn't be able to take anything from him. This is Spencer's room and it should always be Spencer's room and Joel wants to remind him of that.

He wants to give it back to him. This night, this opportunity, it's like Spencer has given him the chance to give him the best gift he can. It isn't tangible, it isn't physical, but Joel hopes he's done at least a little bit toward giving Spencer this room back. He can't take the memories away, but he can try every night for the rest of his life to replace them with better memories and all he can really do is hope that this is a good start.

He's more than sated himself, trying to hold himself up instead of sagging against Spencer because he's fairly certain if he does that it will only send the both of them to the floor. While he's sure they're going to end up there anyway, he doesn't want to be the heavy weight dragging the two of them down. Turning his head, he presses a kiss against Spencer's sweat slicked shoulder, then smiles against his skin. "I love you," he says again. "I love you."

Joel could say it once, twice, a hundred, five hundred times a day--I love you, I love you--and the words will never lose their meaning. His mother had always made a habit of saying it after he'd kiss her on the cheek on his way to bed, even Dane had been free with the phrase often enough. It had always been Spencer who'd answer with a begrudging grumble or an amused roll of his eyes and it's not that he hadn't loved them. It's not that he hasn't understood what it means to love someone before. He just hadn't ever seen the point in making a show of it until he'd lost them both. Until it had been too late. He hasn't loved anyone in over two years, hasn't let anyone close enough to feel anything even close to that, but meeting Joel that day had shaken something loose. He hadn't realized it at the time, of course, that he'd been waiting so long for someone to make him feel again; besides that, he'd waited his whole life to be hit with the astounding knowledge that he's only ever going love like this once.

He tightens around Joel's length when he feels his husband's release and comes with a gasp, one that barely even escapes his throat because he's trying so hard to keep the tears welling in his eyes from spilling down his cheek; but there they are, streaming in hot streaks as he pulses into Joel's hand. Spencer doesn't know how to move anymore without falling to the floor, doesn't want to risk moving at all because Joel is still so deep inside of him and he's still moving his hips back against Joel's cock, even as they both start to soften. They're as close as they can ever be right now, both completely bared to each other in ways they won't ever bare themselves to anyone else again. Joel's only had a few partners, Spencer's only had one, and he can't deny that the fact comforts him. It's not as if his love for Joel would be affected at all if things were different but there's something about knowing that he's the only one Joel has ever made love to like this, the only one who's ever had the distinct privilege of having Joel's tongue inside of him, the only one who Joel will ever touch so intimately that makes Spencer's heart leap into his throat and it makes him chokes on the words he doesn't know he wants to say.

Slowly, carefully, he steps forward with a disparaging moan as Joel's cock slips out of him, leaving him feel so empty like it always does, but he wastes no time in turning around to face his husband. His ass is just the slightest bit sore, the minor sting caused by Joel's crafty substitution for lube is only amplified from how Joel's filled him just now, but he doesn't care. It's a good pain, he'd take it all over like this again and again because this had been raw. This had picked at the scabs of his memories and covered them up bit by bit, and Spencer is so grateful to Joel for that. He's not magically cured because they've had sex, that's not what this had ever been about in the first place, but he feels safe. He feels safe in the library like he's been hoping--praying, even, just the one time, though he'd felt so utterly foolish after--he would for months now, and he's known all along that Joel is the only person who could help him face his fears head-on. He just hadn't been ready yet.

They're somehow still standing but that won't do, not when the way Joel's looking at him right now makes every last inch of him tremble with the love he can only hope is evident enough in his own eyes. He scrambles for something to say, for something that would be enough in this moment, for something that's poignant and meaningful and not a quote from a book because this love is all their own. It's not something anyone else could ever hope to put words to, not when Spencer can't even do it himself. He can't stop the tears now, and he lets out a shuddering breath as his lips part but his head shakes and he leans forward to bury his face in the crook of Joel's neck. Nothing is enough for this man, deemed true by Spencer because he's never experienced anything as pure as what they have. People, he's learned over the years, can be awful. They can be petty and cruel and unforgiving, and he imagines that he can be guilty of that, too; but not with Joel. Never with Joel.

Joel had shown Spencer light when he'd been shrouded in darkness, a self-imposed solitary of his mind and body that nobody had been able to successfully penetrate until that day. Joel Baker had created a barrier between him and Spencer and that debris but in the process, he'd broken down every single wall Spencer had dedicated himself to building for years. They'd started with protection and promises of safety and now they're here, living up to the very same. He leans forward to press a shaky kiss to Joel's lips, tears slowing but still falling as he gently nudges his husband back toward the shelves.

Nothing he could say could encompass all that he feels, he could live a thousand years and not be able to explain every piece of Joel that brings him joy, brings him life, but Spencer thinks he wants to try because Joel deserves it. He deserves to know every single day just how much he's changed Spencer's life. "You have all of me," he murmurs as they sink down to the floor. "Always. I don't think I was living for a long time before you found me and now..." They're both sticky, bodies slick with sweat and come and the library smells like sex, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters but them right now. He takes one of Joel's hands and presses it to his chest, over his heart. "All of me, Joel. All for you."

There are tears on Spencer's cheeks, but Joel knows better than to be alarmed by now; he's looked that way many times himself and all he does is reach up with one hand, gently brushing them away with the pad of his thumb before following the path his thumb takes with his lips, pressing kisses against Spencer's damp, salty skin. Somehow they end up moving back toward the shelves and somehow they end up on the floor together, though Joel can't remember how they've gotten there, not when the only thing he can think of is how nice it feels just to have Spencer so close to him again. It's a constant distraction, being married to Spencer, and Joel knows he wouldn't have it any other way. He spends so much of his day now getting caught up in thoughts of Spencer and although he loves working with him and is extremely grateful for what he's doing at the store, there are times when he finds himself just leaning on the counter and watching Spencer work, completely distracted from his own work. He has no idea how he worked any other way, though. Now that Spencer is there, Joel really doesn't know what he used to do without him and he knows he'll never be able to go back to how things were. It's a good thing he won't have to.

He rests his hand against Spencer's chest, holding it there, feeling his heart beating against his chest and he's pleased to notice it's going as fast as his own. There's no doubt in his mind that Spencer wants him, that they're both equally attracted to one another, but it still feels nice to have that reminder of what he and Spencer have just done to each other, how breathless and boneless they both feel. He smiles, leaning close enough that he can nuzzle against Spencer's throat again, pressing more soft kisses to his skin. "All of you," he murmurs in agreement, but the sentiment is more than simply returned, because Spencer has all of him, too. There's nothing he wouldn't do, no lengths he wouldn't go to, and there's just no part of him that isn't completely, irrevocably in love with Spencer.

"All of me, too," he says, leaning back against the shelf and he knows they have to get up, but maybe they can leave it for now. Maybe they can just lie here together until someone comes home and they have to move. Maybe Raleigh will get home and take care of Huxley for them and Joel is about to suggest this to Spencer, he's about to pull back enough that he can see him when he hears movement. The library door is closed, but the sound of the front door opening and closing is very clear and he glances over at Spencer, biting down on his lower lip to keep himself from grinning. It really isn't funny, they're about thirty seconds away from getting caught completely naked if someone decides to come into the library looking for them, but he can't help it. As long as they don't actually get caught, it is funny.

"Hi, sweetheart." Joel can hear his mother's voice through the door and it's obvious she's speaking to Huxley whose nails are clicking on the floor as he wanders out of the living room. "Did your owners leave you all alone out here?"

"Where are they?" Brian asks and Joel presses his face against Spencer's shoulder, still trying not to laugh.

"It's later than we thought we'd be, maybe they've gone to bed," Ellie suggests and Joel can hear the smile in her voice. "They're still newlyweds, after all. You remember how often we went to bed early right after we got married."

Joel's shoulders are shaking with laughter, but at least he's managed not to make any sound just yet.

"They are very happy, aren't they?" Brian asks and his voice is moving a little closer to the library. Close enough that Joel freezes, sucking in a breath. "I never thought I would see Joel like this again, smiling so easily. It's like having him back in a way. Back to the boy he was before everything happened. I don't know if Spencer will ever truly understand how grateful I am to him for making Joel as happy as he does."

He's still breathing heavily, though the shallow pants are slowing into something more regular, and he rests his head against the uneven row of books behind him with a gratified smile. Spencer stretches his legs out and rests his free hand on Joel's thigh, crossing them at his ankles and lazily letting himself slouch down the shelf until he's comfortably leaning against his husband's side. The floor is cold, it makes him shiver, but the rest of him is still warm from the flush that had spread over his body from having Joel inside him, moving so expertly, loving him.

The voices barely even register with him at first because he's still so lost in a post-orgasmic haze that oftens just puts hims to sleep when they're in their own bed; but then Joel's hiding his face in Spencer's shoulder, and Spencer realizes that they're far, far too close to being caught. For all the times they've gotten so caught up in each other to care about anyone else, they've only been walked in on the one time, by Charlotte, and Spencer supposes--quite resignedly--that it would only be appropriate for Joel's parents to be the next ones to find them in a compromising position. It's very much the last things, he'd rather have Charlotte catch them having sex a thousand times over than have his in-laws find a scene like this, but he can't help but bite down hard on his lip to suppress a laugh when he feels Joel's shoulders shaking next to him.

"Oh, god," he whispers, the start of a snort escaping him before he claps a hand over his mouth, shaking his head hard enough for his hair to whip back and forth. He can hear Huxley trotting along, imagines that their puppy is probably leaping from the ground for Ellie and Brian's attention right about now, and the blush that creeps across his cheeks at the mention of how many times Joel's parents had gone to bed makes him feel like he's coming awfully close to dying of embarrassment. He looks to Joel, jaw dropped in horrified shock but eyes sparkling with amusement, until Brian speaks again. The mock horror fades from his expression, and he doesn't know what to do with the things he's hearing.

Ellie and Brian like him, Spencer has been comfortable with that as fact since the day they'd all met, but to know that this is how they feel about him fills him with overhwelming gratitude that they had trusted him so easily with their son. He knows that Ellie had had her reservations at first, no matter what the cause, but she and Brian both have welcomed him into their family with open arms and Spencer has only admitted to Joel that the first day they'd had them at the house, Spencer had gone into the bathroom just to cry with relief. It's not as if he'd expected them to lecture them, treat them like they'd made a horrible decision by getting married, make them feel horribly guilty for not inviting them; but he hadn't known what to expect so when Brian had announced how pleased he was to have "two gay sons," Spencer had laughed so hard that he'd been sure he'd pull something.

It had been after dinner that he'd had to excuse himself because sitting at that dining room table, the one he'd eaten at with his own mother and brother for twenty-one years, had hit him so suddenly that it had overwhelmed him. Two years has felt like two lifetimes without a family to call his own and when he'd married Joel, he'd all but overlooked the fact that he was going to be adopted into another.

"Spencer's a good man," Ellie is saying, her voice softening, and Spencer is sure that he'll never be able to speak again because his chest is swelling with emotion and his heart feels like it's beating in his throat. "And he's good for Joel. All this time, I've been hoping that Joel would find the right girl, and he's had the right man in front of him all along."

Spencer squeezes his husband's thigh gently, pressing a kiss to Joel's temple and whispering, "I love you so much" in his husband's ear. He'll do anything to keep Joel happy, to make sure that he lives up to everything Brian and Ellie think him to be, and it's a promise he'll make gladly. It's easy with Joel. It's easy to want to be a better man, to be the best man, because his husband deserves no less. His husband deserves the world.

It does Joel a world of good, too, hearing his parents speak like that about Spencer. There have been moments when he's been certain they've worried about the two of them, thought maybe perhaps they were moving too quickly, although Joel has always felt that more from his mother than from his father. Brian has always been like that, always happy to go with the flow and do whatever everyone else is doing, so long as that makes people happy. He's been accused of laziness, but Joel knows now that there's just so little that truly ruffles his father and given how uptight his mother can get now and then, he thinks they make an extremely good pair. Ellie pushes Brian to care when he might otherwise just let something go and Brian reminds Ellie to relax when something really isn't as hard as she's making it out to be. He knows that his father talked to her that first day, the one when he'd admitted to them that he was in a relationship with a man, he knows it was his father who eased her down from the confusion she mistook for anger.

And now they're here. They're wrapped up in each other, sitting naked on the floor of the library, and just outside the door, his parents are both talking about how much they love Spencer, how much they approve of their relationship and Joel just draws in a deep breath as if he's about to say something, then lets it out instead, a big smile curving his lips. He doesn't know if he could speak right now. His chest feels tight with emotion and his eyes are watering a little and all he manages is to slip his arm around Spencer and tug him closer.

"I saw a box of baby clothes in their bedroom the other day," Brian says thoughtfully and Joel freezes, looking down at Spencer with a faintly guilty expression. He had just really wanted to get that bunny onesie out of the box before Spencer managed to get rid of it somehow and so he'd brought the entire box down to go through, just in case there had been any other gems hiding under the piles of clothes. But Raleigh had needed something and he'd left the box in the middle of their bedroom, the door wide open, probably for at least an hour. Long enough for his father to see, anyway, and it's not that they're keeping their plans a secret, really, Joel just doesn't see the point in mentioning it until there's actually a surrogate involved, someone they've decided to go forward with.

"Oh, Brian," Ellie says, her voice hushed. Joel can hear her clicking Huxley's leash onto his collar and he's grateful they'll be able to make a break for the bedroom in a few minutes. "Do you think..."

"I don't know," he says. "I hope so. They would make such good parents."

"They would," Ellie agrees. "They're both smart and they both have so much more love in them than I think they realize."

Their voices are getting distance, they're taking Huxley outside and Joel thinks they should move, but he's too busy blinking up at the ceiling, trying not to let his parents' words overwhelm him. It's not that his parents have ever been terribly uncommunicative with their feelings, he's always felt very loved and accepted, and he knows they've always believed the best of him, but there's something so different in hearing kind things said when someone thinks no one else is listening. It means more. It's special.

The front door opens and closes again, and Joel looks over at Spencer, his eyes shining. "I love you, too," he says, pressing a kiss against his mouth. "And so do my parents. And so will our baby."

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