There's something satisfying about knowing that he and Joel had both been going through such similar turmoil, even though it also makes it all the more frustrating that they hadn't started their relationship sooner. He still can't say he has regrets about how it played out because every step has led them here, to being together on their couch in their home, to wearing the rings on their fingers and talking about meeting surrogates because they're doing this, they're going to have a baby. Four months ago, he hadn't even been thinking about the next day, much less far enough into the future to imagine what life is going to be like with a child involved.
There are things he would change if he could, if it meant they could still be here, but in contrast, he'd go through everything all over again for the same reason. To be married to a man so dedicated to making him happy, to have found someone he dedicates the very same thing to, it's not something he'd ever imagined for himself. He doubts that anyone who'd known him before he'd started his relationship with Joel would have imagined it for him, frankly, and he's been told that he deserves to be happy, that he deserves to find someone, but he honestly doesn't know in what possibly way he deserves Joel. Whatever it is, though, he's certainly glad to have done it.
"I think I turned about a hundred shades redder when you did that. I'll keep growing it back out and that way, you and the baby can play with my hair all you want," he says, grinning broadly as he brushes a hand through his locks. It's been three months since he'd cut it, and the reason for that isn't something he'll soon forget but every day makes things better. Every day with Joel makes things better, he thinks that's most evident in the fact that he's only had one full-blown panic attack since the incident at the lighthouse has occurred, and he hadn't been able to come down from it until Joel had come home to calm him down. He still feels terrible for Raleigh sometimes, that she'd had to see him that way, that he hadn't been able to help her with her own troubles she'd been having at the same time; but he's thankful to her all the same for knowing exactly who he'd needed. Nobody else can ground him the way Joel does, nobody.
"Joel," he says, his expression changing into something more serious, more urgent. He doesn't want the kisses or the flicks of Joel's tongue or the gentle grazes of his teeth to stop, but Spencer wants to say this while he's thinking of it. "The first time we did kiss, up in the lighthouse after-- I know that it wasn't exactly an ideal setting and sometimes I think about what it would have been like if we'd been able to keep that date. I pictured every moment, what we'd do when we got there. You'd hold my hand while we watched the movie on the boardwalk, but we wouldn't really have been watching because we'd be too busy catching each other's glances. So we'd sneak away, take a walk along the beach, and you'd kiss me under the stars, and it would be incredible. It would have been incredible. But that's why I kissed you back that night, it wasn't just because I was in pain or because I was afraid, it was because I needed to know that it was something we could do. I needed to feel what it was like to kiss you in case I never got to do it again."
His gaze flickers between Joel's, down to his chest that's flushed from the way Joel's been kissing his way down his body, and back before he smiles softly and, with a quirk of an eyebrow, reaches out to tuck a stray curl behind Joel's ear. "Every time you kiss me now, it's like I'm being given another gift. I get to feel your lips on mine every single day, I get to touch you and hold your hand and feel you move inside of me. I get to tell people that you're my husband, and I'm telling you this because that night, I wasn't even sure that I'd live to see the next day. All the happiness that I feel now, I owe it to you. So we can be idiots together because I'll never stop being anything less than ecstatic about the fact that you're here and that you love me, and I will never, never stop loving you back."
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There are things he would change if he could, if it meant they could still be here, but in contrast, he'd go through everything all over again for the same reason. To be married to a man so dedicated to making him happy, to have found someone he dedicates the very same thing to, it's not something he'd ever imagined for himself. He doubts that anyone who'd known him before he'd started his relationship with Joel would have imagined it for him, frankly, and he's been told that he deserves to be happy, that he deserves to find someone, but he honestly doesn't know in what possibly way he deserves Joel. Whatever it is, though, he's certainly glad to have done it.
"I think I turned about a hundred shades redder when you did that. I'll keep growing it back out and that way, you and the baby can play with my hair all you want," he says, grinning broadly as he brushes a hand through his locks. It's been three months since he'd cut it, and the reason for that isn't something he'll soon forget but every day makes things better. Every day with Joel makes things better, he thinks that's most evident in the fact that he's only had one full-blown panic attack since the incident at the lighthouse has occurred, and he hadn't been able to come down from it until Joel had come home to calm him down. He still feels terrible for Raleigh sometimes, that she'd had to see him that way, that he hadn't been able to help her with her own troubles she'd been having at the same time; but he's thankful to her all the same for knowing exactly who he'd needed. Nobody else can ground him the way Joel does, nobody.
"Joel," he says, his expression changing into something more serious, more urgent. He doesn't want the kisses or the flicks of Joel's tongue or the gentle grazes of his teeth to stop, but Spencer wants to say this while he's thinking of it. "The first time we did kiss, up in the lighthouse after-- I know that it wasn't exactly an ideal setting and sometimes I think about what it would have been like if we'd been able to keep that date. I pictured every moment, what we'd do when we got there. You'd hold my hand while we watched the movie on the boardwalk, but we wouldn't really have been watching because we'd be too busy catching each other's glances. So we'd sneak away, take a walk along the beach, and you'd kiss me under the stars, and it would be incredible. It would have been incredible. But that's why I kissed you back that night, it wasn't just because I was in pain or because I was afraid, it was because I needed to know that it was something we could do. I needed to feel what it was like to kiss you in case I never got to do it again."
His gaze flickers between Joel's, down to his chest that's flushed from the way Joel's been kissing his way down his body, and back before he smiles softly and, with a quirk of an eyebrow, reaches out to tuck a stray curl behind Joel's ear. "Every time you kiss me now, it's like I'm being given another gift. I get to feel your lips on mine every single day, I get to touch you and hold your hand and feel you move inside of me. I get to tell people that you're my husband, and I'm telling you this because that night, I wasn't even sure that I'd live to see the next day. All the happiness that I feel now, I owe it to you. So we can be idiots together because I'll never stop being anything less than ecstatic about the fact that you're here and that you love me, and I will never, never stop loving you back."