It always feels like such a gift, listening to Spencer speak to him like this and Joel pauses in what he's doing, resting his chin against Spencer's chest so he can look up at him and his smile softens as he listens to him. He's right, it wasn't the ideal setting and Joel knows he would have done anything in the world to change it so they could have a better first kiss, something they would both remember in a way that could send shivers down their spines or didn't have to be associated with the pain and the fear they'd both been feeling. But he understands what Spencer is saying, too. He remembers all too well running his hands over Spencer's face, taking stock of all his injuries, feeling each one like a physical blow. And he remembers needing to kiss Spencer, too, needing it to remind himself that they were both still alive, needing to feel the warmth of Spencer's mouth and the movement of his breathing just to convince himself that everything might still be okay.
"I know," he says softly, his chin brushing Spencer's skin as he speaks. "I needed it, too, I needed to know that... that you were still there." He's not sure if that really explains what he means, but it was what he'd felt. He had just needed to be sure of Spencer, he needed to know Mark hadn't hurt him so badly that he was changed or that he hated Joel or that he'd never be able to look at him again and even though he knows that isn't the case, there's a faint sense of panic that rises in him at the memory. He'd been so sure Spencer would never want to see him again that he'd had to take the risk. "I thought you wouldn't want me. I thought it would be my only chance and after so long of just never finding anyone who made me want to try, I had to kiss you. Even if you hadn't wanted me again, I needed to know because you made me want to try for the first time."
For the first time ever. Not for the first time in a long time, not for the first time in years. For the first time, full stop. There had been Amy, of course, but Joel knows what they'd had isn't remotely the same. Spencer is the only person he's needed like this, the only person he's ever wanted to try for.
"I know it's not true now, I don't doubt you or what we have for even a second," he murmurs, dropping his mouth to Spencer's skin again. He isn't quite kissing him anymore, just lying there, his lips brushing against Spencer's skin whenever he speaks, his eyes closed as he simply relaxes into this moment. He's never felt so happy, never known himself to be so lucky, and Joel makes himself a silent promise, as he does every single day, to never take that for granted. To never forget how lucky he is, how important it is that he find the time to tell Spencer every day that he knows it. Even if it's just a stolen moment in a dark corner of the bookstore, a second during which he can brush his mouth over Spencer's ear and whisper that he loves him, he knows he'll make the effort to do something.
"I would change it if I could," he says. "Take away that night, those memories, all the pain. I'd give us that perfect first night if it meant we could still be here and I know I can't do that, but I promise I'll never stop touching you. I'll never stop kissing you. I'll do that for you every single day." His lips brush the waist of Spencer's jeans and he grins a little, then rubs his cheek against his stomach, his beard brushing over his skin back and forth.
They've had a lot of perfect nights since then. They've had their first time up in Joel's apartment, the day Spencer had nearly caused him to drive into a mailbox. There's the fourth of July, the evening they'd spent together then. Midsummer's Eve, the night of Lara and Levi's party. And their wedding. Joel doesn't think there's been anything more perfect than that and he holds onto those memories with both hands, unwilling to let them go and always looking forward to making more.
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"I know," he says softly, his chin brushing Spencer's skin as he speaks. "I needed it, too, I needed to know that... that you were still there." He's not sure if that really explains what he means, but it was what he'd felt. He had just needed to be sure of Spencer, he needed to know Mark hadn't hurt him so badly that he was changed or that he hated Joel or that he'd never be able to look at him again and even though he knows that isn't the case, there's a faint sense of panic that rises in him at the memory. He'd been so sure Spencer would never want to see him again that he'd had to take the risk. "I thought you wouldn't want me. I thought it would be my only chance and after so long of just never finding anyone who made me want to try, I had to kiss you. Even if you hadn't wanted me again, I needed to know because you made me want to try for the first time."
For the first time ever. Not for the first time in a long time, not for the first time in years. For the first time, full stop. There had been Amy, of course, but Joel knows what they'd had isn't remotely the same. Spencer is the only person he's needed like this, the only person he's ever wanted to try for.
"I know it's not true now, I don't doubt you or what we have for even a second," he murmurs, dropping his mouth to Spencer's skin again. He isn't quite kissing him anymore, just lying there, his lips brushing against Spencer's skin whenever he speaks, his eyes closed as he simply relaxes into this moment. He's never felt so happy, never known himself to be so lucky, and Joel makes himself a silent promise, as he does every single day, to never take that for granted. To never forget how lucky he is, how important it is that he find the time to tell Spencer every day that he knows it. Even if it's just a stolen moment in a dark corner of the bookstore, a second during which he can brush his mouth over Spencer's ear and whisper that he loves him, he knows he'll make the effort to do something.
"I would change it if I could," he says. "Take away that night, those memories, all the pain. I'd give us that perfect first night if it meant we could still be here and I know I can't do that, but I promise I'll never stop touching you. I'll never stop kissing you. I'll do that for you every single day." His lips brush the waist of Spencer's jeans and he grins a little, then rubs his cheek against his stomach, his beard brushing over his skin back and forth.
They've had a lot of perfect nights since then. They've had their first time up in Joel's apartment, the day Spencer had nearly caused him to drive into a mailbox. There's the fourth of July, the evening they'd spent together then. Midsummer's Eve, the night of Lara and Levi's party. And their wedding. Joel doesn't think there's been anything more perfect than that and he holds onto those memories with both hands, unwilling to let them go and always looking forward to making more.