He wants to explain to Spencer that it wasn't about giving up on him, that he'd believed in Spencer right from the beginning, but that he'd thought he didn't deserve to be there. It's been a hard task to convince himself that he's not entirely to blame. Mark had been the one to take Spencer, the one to hurt him physically, but Joel still thinks about all the things he could have done differently. If he'd just allowed himself to really believe that something might happen between them, maybe he would have warned Spencer earlier. If he'd trusted Spencer to accept him despite the awful things he'd done in his past, maybe he wouldn't have been so afraid to tell him. There are so many things Joel would change, not only about that night, but the weeks leading up to it as well. He wants to tell Spencer it was never that Joel wanted to give up on him or that he didn't believe in him, but that he hadn't been able to believe in himself.
But it's passed. For the most part, it's all passed. There are dark moments when Joel still blames himself for all the awful things that had happened that night, but he knows Spencer doesn't blame him and that's really the most important thing. He knows when he comes home at the end of the day, his husband doesn't look at him and resent him, he doesn't regret that they're married and for Joel to be so sure of that, to feel so much trust, it's enough. He doesn't need to explain to Spencer what had been going through his mind when things had been so terrible because if there's anyone in the world who understands, it's the man lying stretched out on the couch underneath him.
"I'll never give up on you," he murmurs, grinning against Spencer's skin because he can feel the way his body is responding. They should probably move this up to their bedroom, but he's fairly certain his parents won't be back for several hours and should Raleigh come home, he knows he'll hear her key in the lock before she's in the house. The back of the couch blocks them from view anyway and he knows he's just making excuses to not have to move, but in his mind they all make perfect sense. The fact that he's deeply distracted by Spencer's hands and the sounds he makes and the warmth of his skin under his lips has nothing to do with it.
Lifting one hand to Spencer's belt, he pauses, looking up the length of his body again and then he smiles, biting down on his lower lip. "I know I'm deeply biased," he says, his voice low and rough, "but you look incredible like this." And bias or not, it doesn't matter. He always wants to be biased on Spencer's favour, he always wants to blindly think the best of him because he's never had anyone love him like this, he's never had anyone think the best of him.
Spencer makes him feel like a much better man than he ever has on his own and he wants to return that to him every day. Slowly, he begins to undo his belt, still watching him, watching his expression as he does.
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But it's passed. For the most part, it's all passed. There are dark moments when Joel still blames himself for all the awful things that had happened that night, but he knows Spencer doesn't blame him and that's really the most important thing. He knows when he comes home at the end of the day, his husband doesn't look at him and resent him, he doesn't regret that they're married and for Joel to be so sure of that, to feel so much trust, it's enough. He doesn't need to explain to Spencer what had been going through his mind when things had been so terrible because if there's anyone in the world who understands, it's the man lying stretched out on the couch underneath him.
"I'll never give up on you," he murmurs, grinning against Spencer's skin because he can feel the way his body is responding. They should probably move this up to their bedroom, but he's fairly certain his parents won't be back for several hours and should Raleigh come home, he knows he'll hear her key in the lock before she's in the house. The back of the couch blocks them from view anyway and he knows he's just making excuses to not have to move, but in his mind they all make perfect sense. The fact that he's deeply distracted by Spencer's hands and the sounds he makes and the warmth of his skin under his lips has nothing to do with it.
Lifting one hand to Spencer's belt, he pauses, looking up the length of his body again and then he smiles, biting down on his lower lip. "I know I'm deeply biased," he says, his voice low and rough, "but you look incredible like this." And bias or not, it doesn't matter. He always wants to be biased on Spencer's favour, he always wants to blindly think the best of him because he's never had anyone love him like this, he's never had anyone think the best of him.
Spencer makes him feel like a much better man than he ever has on his own and he wants to return that to him every day. Slowly, he begins to undo his belt, still watching him, watching his expression as he does.