Spencer could live like this before--will live like this forever because after all, isn't that the plan?--with Joel's hands all over him, touching him, exploring his body like it's both novel and familiar all at once and saying Spencer's name under his breath like it's the answer that will unlock all of life's greatest mysteries. For a moment, Spencer thinks he's even solved them himself, those mysteries. What's the meaning of life? Why is he here? Joel. That's what Spencer comes up with because he's never quite been able to figure out why this world has been so insistent on keeping him breathing, on keeping him existent when the people closest to him fade like parts of a painting left out in the sun too long. It's taken him twenty-nine years of being alive to realize that he hadn't truly started living before Joel had walked into his story, his narrative that had only been filled with loss and tragedy, and colored it with so much love and spirit.
This is the kind of love people aspire to have, he thinks as he follows Joel up the ladder, the kind of love people more creative than he is try to capture in words, though it seems nobody has been able to get it quite right yet. He should be hesitating, nervous, terrified because they're right beside the very spot Mark Fuller had taken that first step in a fine effort to destroy them both but even though the thought does flash in his mind and he's aware and he feels a vague twist in his stomach over it all, it's not what's on the forefront of his mind.
He's thinking about how ridiculous it is that they're both naked, undeniably hard and aroused and lustful, climbing up this ladder with the sort of views nobody else will ever have; but at the same time, he thinks that it's so very them. He remembers being younger, eavesdropping from the staircase while his mother or brother had company over, and he'd heard on more than one occasion their friends commenting how quiet Spencer is, how shy, how distant and antisocial he seems.
"He's not, he's just... Spencer."
They'd been words said with the sort of affection only family could muster, but Spencer had known that it hadn't been meant in a bad why. He's a lot of things that people don't often seem to be able to reconcile in one person, and he's always been quietly proud of that fact. For this, for climbing up the ladder to the second level of the library to commence an evening of whispered names and strangled moans, of the kind of sex Spencer never even once had imagined he'd ever have, to feel so distinctly Spencer and Joel doesn't exactly fill him with pride but more of a sense of satisfaction. Contentment. Joel brings out in him a man Spencer hadn't known existed, a man who'd been buried deep under so many layers of caution and fear; but Joel had peeled those layers away not one by one but almost all at once and when his husband takes his hand and helps him back on level ground, Spencer wastes no time in practically throwing himself at him.
He slides his hands down Joel's sides before settling them on his ass, squeezing hard and pulling Joel closer so their erections press against each other as he sprinkles quick kisses down the length of Joel's neck, collarbone, shoulder. "I love you so much," he says and his voice is hoarse, raw with emotion that only Joel could elicit, and the words are never enough to encompass everything Spencer feels, the sheer truth behind the sentiment of I can't live without you, but Spencer say them anyway. He'll say them every day, as often as he can, because it's the best he's got and he needs Joel to know how much he's loved every second of every day.
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This is the kind of love people aspire to have, he thinks as he follows Joel up the ladder, the kind of love people more creative than he is try to capture in words, though it seems nobody has been able to get it quite right yet. He should be hesitating, nervous, terrified because they're right beside the very spot Mark Fuller had taken that first step in a fine effort to destroy them both but even though the thought does flash in his mind and he's aware and he feels a vague twist in his stomach over it all, it's not what's on the forefront of his mind.
He's thinking about how ridiculous it is that they're both naked, undeniably hard and aroused and lustful, climbing up this ladder with the sort of views nobody else will ever have; but at the same time, he thinks that it's so very them. He remembers being younger, eavesdropping from the staircase while his mother or brother had company over, and he'd heard on more than one occasion their friends commenting how quiet Spencer is, how shy, how distant and antisocial he seems.
"He's not, he's just... Spencer."
They'd been words said with the sort of affection only family could muster, but Spencer had known that it hadn't been meant in a bad why. He's a lot of things that people don't often seem to be able to reconcile in one person, and he's always been quietly proud of that fact. For this, for climbing up the ladder to the second level of the library to commence an evening of whispered names and strangled moans, of the kind of sex Spencer never even once had imagined he'd ever have, to feel so distinctly Spencer and Joel doesn't exactly fill him with pride but more of a sense of satisfaction. Contentment. Joel brings out in him a man Spencer hadn't known existed, a man who'd been buried deep under so many layers of caution and fear; but Joel had peeled those layers away not one by one but almost all at once and when his husband takes his hand and helps him back on level ground, Spencer wastes no time in practically throwing himself at him.
He slides his hands down Joel's sides before settling them on his ass, squeezing hard and pulling Joel closer so their erections press against each other as he sprinkles quick kisses down the length of Joel's neck, collarbone, shoulder. "I love you so much," he says and his voice is hoarse, raw with emotion that only Joel could elicit, and the words are never enough to encompass everything Spencer feels, the sheer truth behind the sentiment of I can't live without you, but Spencer say them anyway. He'll say them every day, as often as he can, because it's the best he's got and he needs Joel to know how much he's loved every second of every day.