Spencer uses the term husbandly aggression and Joel chuckles again, trying to imagine Spencer intimidating the doctor and finding it surprisingly easy to picture. Most people might not expect of him, but Joel knows what Spencer is capable when he puts his mind to something and he has no doubt he gave the doctors a hard time if they said anything he didn't want to hear or tried to keep the two of them apart. He'd felt the same earlier, though he'd had a difficult time communicating it due to the drugs in his system. His nurse had understood it well enough, though, he's sure of that, he'd seen in the sympathetic look she had given him while cleaning up the spilled water.
But the thing, too, is that he trusts Spencer completely. It isn't just that he hates being stuck in the hospital, although he does, and it isn't just that he wants to be at home. The doctors can only do so much for him now that his bones are set and his burn has been treated and the cut on his head has been stitched. There's nothing else they can do for him except watch and he would much rather have Spencer be the one looking after him. Spencer is more than capable and Joel knows he's been injured as well, he knows maybe it's selfish to want Spencer to take care of him when he's been hurt, but he doesn't want it to be anyone else. Only Spencer. He's the only one Joel trusts with all of this because he's the only one who's been there right from the start.
"I'll be good," he promises and he will be. He's been hurt before and he's been as good as he can be then, but now, with everything that's happened, with Spencer being hurt as well, he'll do whatever he can to make the recovery easier. Part of that is what Spencer says. Part of what will make it easier will be if he finds some way to forgive himself and he makes a silent promise that he'll try. That he'll do his very best to make sure he forgives himself even if it's difficult, because he doesn't want to carry this for the rest of his life. He's carried Amy and her death for so long and he doesn't know if he has room in his conscience for one more heavy burden.
"July 7," he echoes softly, looking at Spencer for a long moment before he shifts on the bed to kiss him. It's long and lingering, their mouths pressed together as Joel closes his eyes and lets himself sink into the familiarity of Spencer's lips under his. This is what he needs. Not a hospital, not the painkillers, not even the sedative, but this. His husband, their life together, their home, their future, their baby. And he's terrified of having to explain any of this to Erin, he's scared of having to tell her what he had done as a teenager, the way it had rippled through the years to come back and tear things down now, but he can't very well hide a broken hand and broken rib from her. Not now. Not when she's carrying the baby he and Spencer are going to raise.
And when he pulls back, he's smiling. He shakes his head and says, "No, it's not very far away at all." They have so much work to do, things to buy, a room to prepare, books to read, and Joel thinks that really might be the thing that saves him from wearing this experience for the rest of his life. Being here, knowing Spencer still loves him, knowing his husband isn't going to send him away because of a horrible mistake he'd made so many years ago, it all helps more than he knows how to say. But the baby, the preparation required, he thinks that's going to be what really helps to pull him through. What gives him that final shove toward being okay at least some of the time.
"You're going to be amazing," he says softly, lifting his good hand to touch Spencer's face. His fingers slide gently over his cheek before he smiles, the expression faint, but genuine. "Our child is going to love you so much, just like I do. He or she is going to be so happy to have you as a father." And it's going to be a reality so much sooner than either of them realize. It's suddenly going to be July and neither of them will know how the time has passed so quickly.
"The timing of this is... well, I'm just lucky it worked out this way," he says. "It was exactly what I needed to hear, Spencer. You said we were going to have a baby and it was like everything was suddenly easy. I had to be there with you for that. I had to. All of me, like you said."
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But the thing, too, is that he trusts Spencer completely. It isn't just that he hates being stuck in the hospital, although he does, and it isn't just that he wants to be at home. The doctors can only do so much for him now that his bones are set and his burn has been treated and the cut on his head has been stitched. There's nothing else they can do for him except watch and he would much rather have Spencer be the one looking after him. Spencer is more than capable and Joel knows he's been injured as well, he knows maybe it's selfish to want Spencer to take care of him when he's been hurt, but he doesn't want it to be anyone else. Only Spencer. He's the only one Joel trusts with all of this because he's the only one who's been there right from the start.
"I'll be good," he promises and he will be. He's been hurt before and he's been as good as he can be then, but now, with everything that's happened, with Spencer being hurt as well, he'll do whatever he can to make the recovery easier. Part of that is what Spencer says. Part of what will make it easier will be if he finds some way to forgive himself and he makes a silent promise that he'll try. That he'll do his very best to make sure he forgives himself even if it's difficult, because he doesn't want to carry this for the rest of his life. He's carried Amy and her death for so long and he doesn't know if he has room in his conscience for one more heavy burden.
"July 7," he echoes softly, looking at Spencer for a long moment before he shifts on the bed to kiss him. It's long and lingering, their mouths pressed together as Joel closes his eyes and lets himself sink into the familiarity of Spencer's lips under his. This is what he needs. Not a hospital, not the painkillers, not even the sedative, but this. His husband, their life together, their home, their future, their baby. And he's terrified of having to explain any of this to Erin, he's scared of having to tell her what he had done as a teenager, the way it had rippled through the years to come back and tear things down now, but he can't very well hide a broken hand and broken rib from her. Not now. Not when she's carrying the baby he and Spencer are going to raise.
And when he pulls back, he's smiling. He shakes his head and says, "No, it's not very far away at all." They have so much work to do, things to buy, a room to prepare, books to read, and Joel thinks that really might be the thing that saves him from wearing this experience for the rest of his life. Being here, knowing Spencer still loves him, knowing his husband isn't going to send him away because of a horrible mistake he'd made so many years ago, it all helps more than he knows how to say. But the baby, the preparation required, he thinks that's going to be what really helps to pull him through. What gives him that final shove toward being okay at least some of the time.
"You're going to be amazing," he says softly, lifting his good hand to touch Spencer's face. His fingers slide gently over his cheek before he smiles, the expression faint, but genuine. "Our child is going to love you so much, just like I do. He or she is going to be so happy to have you as a father." And it's going to be a reality so much sooner than either of them realize. It's suddenly going to be July and neither of them will know how the time has passed so quickly.
"The timing of this is... well, I'm just lucky it worked out this way," he says. "It was exactly what I needed to hear, Spencer. You said we were going to have a baby and it was like everything was suddenly easy. I had to be there with you for that. I had to. All of me, like you said."