November 25 (tw: talk of violence, demon stuff)

[just_another]

Right now, lying in this hospital bed, Joel has no idea how he feels.

He suspects, in a disconnected way, that's at least partly due to the painkillers and sedation the doctors had been forced to give him when he'd desperately fought them. Everything had still felt so wrong. Everything. He had been hurt and Spencer had been hurt. Even Coop had been hurt. He doesn't know what state Les and Nerium are in, he can't remember. They had put him on the stretcher and he'd seen Spencer on another bed and everything inside him had screamed against letting himself be separated from Spencer again.

They'd sedated him. Strapped him down. The restraints are gone now, but he can still feel the sedation moving through him, all his thoughts and movements sluggish as a result. He's knocked over his water cup twice now and he's staring down at the floor where the water is pooling and he's thinking about calling a nurse, but before he can lift his good hand to the buzzer, she's there.

"Joel, you can call me if you need anything," she reminds him and he nods.

"I need to see Spencer," he says and it sounds like his words are coming from far away. He thinks maybe he should panic because if his words aren't coming from him maybe the demon is still here. Maybe they didn't win, maybe they only postponed the inevitable.

But there's no panic. And he knows that isn't true. For the first time since he was seventeen-years-old, he's alone in here. He's sure that once he's no longer drugged, it will feel fantastic.

"I know," she says when she's on her feet again and Joel can't remember her name, but he knows she's been very kind to him since he woke up. She's a witch, he knows that somehow and he doesn't know if she told him or if he saw her do something or if everyone knows, but he knows. She understands what he's been through. "Soon, I promise. The doctor just wants to make sure he's okay. He's taken far too many knocks to the head lately."

"I know," he whispers, dropping his head. He knows. It's his fault.

When he looks up again the nurse is gone and Joel wonders if he fell asleep. Spencer still isn't here, so he starts to take stock of his injuries. His left hand is in a cast, the burned portion of his fingers covered in a salve. Luckily the burn hadn't been too bad. He remembers a doctor saying that.

One of his ribs is broken and it hurts when he breathes, but he's not wrapped or bound in any way. He thinks he remembers one of the doctors saying that it was dangerous, it can lead to complications with his lungs, but everything is a bit of a blur.

There are stitches in his forehead just below his hairline and there's a small bandage on his cheek where he'd been cut by glass. Somehow he feels like there should be more. Everything hurts, but there should be more than this. He deserves more than this.

The first few tears splatter on his cast before Joel even realizes he's crying.

Comments

[doublethepain]

He's been arguing with everyone since he'd been forced onto the stretcher, an unnecessary measure in his opinion, but the paramedics who'd arrived at the house had insisted. Spencer isn't even sure who'd called them, all he knows is that one moment Coop had been keeping him upright and the next, he'd been lying down and maybe that's a good enough indication that he should let the medics work but Spencer's always been stubborn when it comes to medical attention for himself. He barely remembers the ride over, only that he'd kept asking after Joel and getting angry when his attending paramedic had tried to soothe him, to tell him that Joel is just fine. All he'd wanted was to be able to see that for himself.

Even now, after having penlights shined in his eyes and nurses fussing over his head and shoulder, Spencer is refusing to accept a sling. He doesn't want that to be the first thing Joel sees, knows very well that the first thing his husband do is believe it to be his fault when that couldn't be further from the truth. The doctor is frustrated, Spencer can see it, but he'd compromised by sitting in the wheelchair they'd brought for him so he's not going to budge on the issue of the sling.

"Mr. Waters, I--"

"Waters-Baker."

"Mr. Waters-Baker, I'm asking you to reconsider. You're head injury isn't severe enough to keep you overnight for observation but you're going to want support for your shoulder, it's the best way to let yourself heal."

Spencer rubs at the bridge of his nose with the hand that isn't cradled to his chest and sighs. His head is pounding even through the mild dose of painkillers he's been giving, and he can feel the massive bruising on his back start to pulse from the way he's leaning back into the chair. His spine hadn't been damaged, there's that much to be thankful for, because the brunt of the damage had been taken by his shoulder. They'd popped it back into place and Spencer had been so stunned by the pain that he hadn't even been able to let out a sound, but it's better than it had been when he'd first woken up. All in all, it could have been worse for him and he's tried telling the doctor that but to Spencer's dismay, he hasn't been cut much slack yet. He knows that he's the one who's being ridiculous, that he should let the doctor and nurses do what's best for him, but his thoughts are only with his husband.

"I told you, I'll stay in the wheelchair until we get to his door but I don't want him to see me like that. When we get released, I'll do it, I'll do whatever you want but... but I just need to see him. Please, just let me see Joel."

Another nurse pokes her head into the room then, one that Spencer doesn't recognize, but she offers him a small smile before addressing the staff. "Excuse me, doctor, but Mr. Waters-Baker is awake. The other Mr. Waters-Baker, I mean. He was asking for his husband."

Spencer widens his eyes at that, nearly pushing himself out of his chair before one of the nurses--a rather large man called Bruce--presses a hand down on his uninjured shoulder to keep him seated. Spencer scowls up at him and Bruce only smiles back, an infuriating smile that makes Spencer huff with a sort of amused annoyance. He watches the doctor throw his hands in the air as the other nurses hide their laughter behind their mouths and for the first time since arriving in this wretched place, Spencer feels something in his chest loosen.

"Fine, fine, you can go," the doctor says. He points his finger at Spencer sternly then, pressing his lips into a thin line. "But you don't leave without that sling. I'll force it on you myself if I have to, you understand?"

"I think that's harassment," Spencer counters as Bruce takes hold of his wheelchair and pushes him toward Joel's room. It feels like an eternity before the get to the door and in spite of Bruce's protests--weak ones because he already seems to know that it's futile to keep Spencer from doing what he wants to do when it comes to Joel--Spencer struggles to his feet and takes a moment to let the dizziness pass before stepping forward and pushing the door open.

[just_another]

He's trying not to feel sorry for himself when the door opens and it takes Joel several seconds to look up, to realize it isn't just another nurse coming to check on him, to realize Spencer is standing there and all his efforts not to cry, not to feel sorry for himself, they're all for nothing, because the second he sees Spencer his face crumples again and it hurts so much to be crying, but he can't stop. Every breath he takes, every shake of his shoulders, they send searing pain through his chest and Joel relishes in it because it's what he deserves. Spencer is standing there, he doesn't look too badly injured, he's here and he's alive and he's able to walk, but the second Joel sees him he's reminded of everything he said and did while the demon had control over him. He knows he isn't to blame, he knows he was under its control, but at the same time he feels so responsible. If he had noticed sooner or if he had taken it more seriously maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe Spencer wouldn't have been hurt, maybe their house wouldn't have been damaged, maybe Joel wouldn't have to feel like he's falling apart.

He wants to say something, but he doesn't know what to say and he doesn't think he could speak even if he did. Every time he opens his mouth, the only thing that threatens to spill out is a sob and he bites them back until his shoulders stop shaking, until he thinks he might be able to look up again, but when he does, his vision is still blurred with tears. There's nothing he can say that will make any of this better, nothing that can undo the awful things that have been done. There is no apology in the world that will fix this damage and Joel opens his mouth to say something, but he can only stare at Spencer helplessly before lifting his good hand and covering his face.

His entire life has been shaped by the stupid decision he made to impress a girl when he was seventeen. He had loved her and she had died because of him. His family had been chased out of their home and even now they have barely anything from their life in Shediac. The few pictures his mother had been sent from a sympathetic lawyer can't possibly ever make up for having lost their home, for having been kicked out of the only town they'd ever lived in, for losing their jobs and their friends and everything. And so Joel had kept himself away from people out of fear he would hurt them, but then Spencer had come along. Spencer had changed everything, but even he couldn't escape this stupid decision. Mark had come and now the demon and Joel thinks the guilt might actually crush him.

The sedative helps. He can't seem to stop crying and he's ashamed to even look at Spencer, but he thinks he might be in much worse shape without it. If only he could find something to say maybe he'd be a little better still, but nothing he thinks of sounds right. Nothing is big enough, nothing means enough. All he wants is to go home with Spencer, to curl up and sleep and forget everything, but he can't. That's not the sort of gift given to men like him.

[doublethepain]

Spencer can't make himself move after the first step he takes into the room. For what seems like an eternity, all he can do is stare at his husband while bracing one hand against the doorframe and ignoring Bruce, who keeps trying to murmur helpful things that Spencer dutifully ignores because there's no room for anything to process in his mind right except for Joel. Seeing his husband in one piece is more of a relief than he could ever say because a part of him had been so terrified, so afraid that something might have gone so wrong that it'd be completely irreparable and nobody had been able to find it in themselves to tell him. But he's here, Joel's here, right in front of him, and Spencer's vision blurs with the tears that threaten to fall. All he wants to do is take Joel in his arms and hold him close while the rest of the world fades away, it's all he ever wants, and he finally takes another step forward, then another and another until he's practically stumbling to Joel's bedside, and he's grateful that Bruce is quick enough to slide a chair over to where he's standing so Spencer can sink into it without much other thought.

"Press the call button if you need anything," Bruce instructs quietly, and Spencer nods even though he isn't even sure that the words had been for him but it doesn't matter because nothing matters right now other than Joel.

Spencer lets his eyes drift over his husband, taking stock of all Joel's injuries as the guilt hits him with each one. There's a hand in a cast, and Spencer should have been able to protect himself from Mark so that Joel wouldn't have had to access that dark side of him again because what if that's the reason the demon had chosen now? Joel's fingers are burned, and Spencer hadn't been able to stand up for himself against Eli Jasper either, he'd left Joel to take care of that mess, and Spencer has no doubt that it had only made the demon stronger. There's a bandaid on Joel's cheek, and Spencer should have done more research or insisted on finding a way to oust the demon sooner. He sees stitches on Joel's head, and he feels like he might be sick because he should have figured out how to get the demon out of Joel faster and there have to be more injuries, Spencer had seen Joel hit that wall, but he thinks that knowing about them right now might only make him pass out again.

He reaches for the hand Joel's using to cover his face and tugs gently until he can press his lips against his husband's palm. He's trembling too hard to keep Joel from noticing now, and he reaches out with his free hand to gently wipe the tears staining Joel's cheeks just as how own start to steadily fall. "I'm so sorry," he manages to gasp out, coughing into his shoulder as his breath catches in his throat, and it hurts because he's bruised considerably badly but he doesn't mind that. He deserves it, he thinks, for not being able to protect Joel the way Joel's always been able to protect him. He knows his words don't matter, not really, not with everything already said and done, but he wants Joel to hear them.

"I-- God, baby, I was so scared I was going to lose you," he says, his voice practically a whisper. The demon had smashed its fists into the wall on either side of Spencer's head, had thrown him across the room and knocked him, had destroyed their home, but Spencer can live with all of that. He couldn't have survived this if he'd lost his husband. "I love you so, Joel. Please, I love you so much." He doesn't know what he's pleading more, maybe forgiveness or maybe a confirmation that Joel doesn't hate him for letting him to through all that pain. A part of Spencer knows Joel could never hate him, that they could never feel anything less than that unbreakable connection they have with each other, but rationality is losing out right now. He just needs Joel to know it, to hear that no matter what they go through, Spencer will never love him any less.

[just_another]

The fact that Spencer apologizes actually stuns Joel and it's maybe the best reaction he could have hoped for because it draws all his attention away from how terrible he feels and focuses it on Spencer, which is where it should have been focused right from the start. "No," he whispers, his voice hoarse. It feels like he's been screaming for days, his throat strained and dry, and the doctors hadn't been able to explain that or they'd chosen not to, but Joel knows what it is. He knows it's that voice, that laugh that had come pouring out of him. It had been poison in a way and now his throat aches as a result of it, but it's gone. He has to remind himself that it's all gone and all the pain is just what's leftover. They can deal with the pain. They can deal with broken bones and bruises. They've been left alone and Joel will take all the pain in the world for as long as necessary if it means they'll continue to be left alone.

"Spencer, no, you have nothing to be sorry for," he whispers, then clears his throat, but that hurts, too. He'll just have to live with this, which is fine. His voice will come back, his throat will stop aching eventually, but until then he can take this reminder and live with it. All these little injuries are punishments that he deserves and he doesn't think he can say that to Spencer because he knows his husband will only tell him not to blame himself. He thinks he has to, though. At least a little bit. He has to blame himself so that he remembers to be careful from now on, so that he's always aware of what he's doing when it comes to his magic. So that nothing like this ever happens again.

"You saved me," he says and that's the most important thing. If they can both focus on that, they can heal, he thinks. Or at least they can start. "You saved me, Spencer. I would have died without you." That's not a lie, it's not an exaggeration. Without Spencer in his life, Joel wouldn't have bothered fighting at all. Without Spencer there wouldn't have been anything to fight for. And even with Spencer, even with all the love and happiness he's been given, Joel couldn't have done it alone. Spencer had needed to be there with him, Spencer had been the only person in his life who would pull the demon out for good.

He has so many regrets about the way he handled all of this, but he doesn't want to talk about them right now. All he wants is for Spencer to be able to crawl into this bed with him and he knows it's probably a bad idea between both their injuries, but it's really the only thing he wants in the world. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "For everything." Because it really is his fault in the end. It's his fault Mark hurt Spencer and it's his fault the demon had been hitching a ride inside of him for so long, but it's gone now and if he can apologize and if Spencer can forgive him, then Joel thinks maybe he really can begin to let it all go. Maybe he'll never be able to forget it, but he can put it behind him.

[doublethepain]

Spencer only shakes his head at Joel's apology, tilting his head back toward the ceiling and squeezing his eyes tight so that the last of the tears he's willing to shed stream down his cheeks. He's so exhausted, and he knows he doesn't have anything to complain about when his husband is the one who'd spent the day being used as a puppet, who'd spent the day being forced to hurt people he cares about, who'd spent the day coming so close to... Spencer can't say it, doesn't even want to think it, and he flinches when Joel says it for him. I could have died without you. He lets out a long, unsteady breath as he lowers his head back down so he can look at his husband, a small smile curving his lips at the sight of a rogue curl that Spencer tucks behind Joel's ear.

Beside them, Joel's heart monitor is silent, the sound turned off--which Spencer is grateful for because he doesn't know if he'd be able to stand it right now--but showing the steady rhythm of his husband's heartbeat. He watches for a moment, mesmerized because it's just more evidence that Joel is here, that Joel's alive, that Spencer hasn't lost the one person he can't live without in this world. He's lost too much already, he thinks, and he knows life isn't fair but it couldn't have been cruel enough to take Joel away from him, too, not after--

He blinks, gaze flickering back to his husband as his lips part and Spencer remembers what it had been that brought Joel back. "We're going to have a baby." He says it simply, as if stating a fact that isn't at all extraordinary, but he lets out an incredulous laugh and tries to hide a wince at the way it jars his back and shoulder. He pushes himself up from his chair with his free hand and lowers the rail of Joel's bed so that he can perch on the edge of it, watchful of his husband's injuries as he leans forward to press a gentle kiss to Joel's lips.

Whether Spencer blames himself for today or not, the guilt fades in comparison right now to the way it feels to know his husband is alive. Not quite well, not yet, but he's alive and they're together and by this time next year, they'll be raising a child together. It's a strange thought to have when they both look worse for the wear but Spencer holds on to it because he has to, because anything is better than having to watch Joel get thrown against that wall over and over in his mind, but this... This is worth his energy.

"Forgive yourself," Spencer tells him, and it's easier said than done, he knows that for a fact. It's advice he should take himself but he's not concerned about himself right now, it's Joel that he wants to take care of. It's Joel he needs to take care of, to protect because he'd done such a poor job of it today that he's willing to spend the rest of his life making it up to his husband. Telling Joel he has nothing to be sorry for, that it isn't his fault, won't get through to him; all the guilt Joel is hanging onto needs to be forgiven even though Joel's most adamant accuser is himself.

"Forgive yourself," he says again, leaving a kiss against Joel's temple, "because I need you here with me, all of you. I know it's going to be hard, I know, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm prepared to pick you up when you stumble because I know you'll always be there to do it for me, and we will stumble. But that's it, right? We'll always get back up again because we have each other, and we'll have our baby, and we're going to be happy." He kisses Joel's forehead, letting his lips linger. "It's gone, Joel. It's gone, and we're going to be happy."

[just_another]

Erin is pregnant. That little piece of information had been the final nail in the demon's metaphorical coffin and when Spencer says it again, when he reminds Joel of that little piece of information, those few words that will change the entire course of their lives together, he manages what he's sure is the first smile since this morning. While he'd been burning his own flesh, Spencer had been talking to Erin and receiving the news that they're really going to have a baby and Joel doesn't know if the timing is just a coincidence or if perhaps something out there is looking out for them, but all he can do is be grateful it had worked.

He shifts on the bed when Spencer perches on the edge and it hurts, but he tries not to let it show because he doesn't want Spencer to move away. Right now, even if he doesn't deserve it, he needs his husband close to him. The doctor isn't going to let him leave tonight, he's sure of it, but if he has to stay, he wants Spencer to stay with him. Already, even still under the effects of the sedative, he's made that a condition of his staying here. If they won't let Spencer be with him, then Joel will check himself out against their wishes. Even with all his injuries, even with the state he knows their home is in, he'd rather be there with Spencer than here alone.

"We're having a baby," he says with a soft breath, making more room for Spencer on the bed. That baby, before he or she has even been born, has helped to save Joel's life and he doesn't know if this is a story they'll ever tell their child, maybe when he or she is long grown up, but it's important. Spencer and this baby are the only reasons he's here in this bed, the only reasons he's still breathing and he wants to be able to communicate the importance of everything Spencer has done for him today, but he isn't sure how. Maybe one day he'll know how, maybe once he's had some time to recover, but the words don't come yet. They will in time, but for now he just reaches for Spencer with his good hand and his fingers curve over the edge of his hip and Joel wants to bury himself in Spencer, he wants to get lost in him and forget everything.

For a second he thinks he might be okay. Even if it's just for the night, Joel thinks he might be okay. But then Spencer tells him to forgive himself and it feels like some dam inside him breaks and the resulting flood racks his body with something that's not quite a sob. His muscles all seem to pull tight and there's a sharp pain from his ribs, but all he does is drop his head, his face screwed up tight as he tries to just let it go. Even if it's only for tonight, he wants to at least try to do what Spencer is asking of him, but it's something about those words -- forgive yourself -- that just does him in.

Spencer isn't asking him to forget, he's not asking him to just get better overnight, all he's asking Joel to do is extend the same forgiveness to himself that he does to those around him and it's something about the kindness of that that makes it feel like something inside him is being torn apart.

"It was so awful," he murmurs and he's still reaching for Spencer despite the pain. He doesn't care, he needs Spencer. "It was like being invaded. I tried so hard to stop it at first and then I just couldn't anymore. I couldn't fight it, it was too strong." But then Spencer had been there and he'd said and done all the right things to weaken the demon. To give Joel the chance. Spencer had done everything and Joel doesn't think he really understands that.

"We're going to be happy," he echoes. "It's gone now. You did that." He knows without Coop, Les and Nerium that maybe none of it would matter, maybe the demon, once outside of Joel, would have destroyed them both, but it had to be torn out in order to be banished. And Spencer had done that.

[doublethepain]

Joel reaches for him and Spencer doesn't think twice about taking his hand. It's like there's some sort of magnetic pull between them, always, all the time, Spencer always wants to be touching Joel, and he rests his hand lightly on his husband's chest as he listens to Joel talk. He tries not to let his expressions betray him, tries to keep himself looking neutral because he's afraid that if he even starts to react, he won't be able to stop. He'll be angry at the demon all over again, he'll hate himself for not being able to do something before the demon had hurt Joel, and he'll feel terribly empty at the thought that he very well could have been too late. They hadn't been, they'd gotten the demon out of Joel and it's gone now, but god, they'd come too close for comfort.

"I think I felt it," he says softly, eyes fixed on his hand still resting on Joel's chest as he brings his other to rub at his own. "It hurt, and I just... I think I could feel that something was wrong." Spencer swallows hard, lifting his eyes to meet Joel's. "It wasn't just me, you know that, right? Coop and Les and Nerium, of course we couldn't have done it without them, but you had to fight, too. It had you in its control, it used you, it was strong, but you did fight. Nothing I could have said would have mattered if you'd given up, Joel, nothing."

He hesitates before shifting so that he can stretch out on the bed where Joel's made room for him, careful not to disturb any of the tubes or wires or the IV needle taped into his husband's hand. He slowly lifts his arm, managing to let out only the slighest hiss of pain as it strains his back, and lowers it back down so it hangs over Joel's shoulder. "You know, I blamed myself for Mark and for what happened to my family" he admits quietly, pressing a soft kiss to Joel's temple before nuzzling his cheek against his husband's. He needs this right now, he thinks they both do, this closeness that they're so used to having on a daily basis. To go even one night without it is unacceptable, at least in Spencer's eyes, and he knows it's a bit selfish when Joel's so badly injured but he already feels more content like this. Maybe not good, maybe not even especially fine, but a little more content.

"I blamed myself for Mark because I couldn't think quickly enough to stop him. I'm the one who called him into the house, I'm the one who just stared at him until he hit me with that glass, and I'm the reason you went to that dark place again in the lighthouse. I blamed myself for my mom and brother because-- Well, there's no shortage of reasons why. I'm not saying that-- that I still feel that way." There are some parts of him that do, he's not sure that will ever go away and especially not after what had happened today, but it's dulled over time. "I'm just saying that sometimes, things are out of our control. You didn't ask for this. No matter what, you didn't ask for this. I know that it still hurts, that maybe it's going to hurt for a long time, and I know you think you weren't strong enough to fight it, but you were. That's why you're here now, that's why you're breathing, and that's why you're still my husband."

Spencer remembers hating when people would tell him that he was going to be okay after what had happened at the lighthouse because there's absolutely no way that anyone could accurately predict such a thing. It could have driven him mad, might very well have if Joel hadn't been there to remind him of what's important. He's going to be that for Joel now, the person who will listen and accept and try to understand without judgment.

"I'm always going to be here for you, ever step of the way," he promises, leaning his head back to get a better look at his husband. "If I have to remind you to forgive yourself every day for the rest of our lives, I will. There's nothing that could happen that would drive me away. Just remember why you fought. For your family. For me, for-- for Dane and Rose." He lets out a little laugh, tearing up again at the thought that the next time they're at the hospital, it will hopefully be because their child's beign born. "We'll be connected, all of us, even when we're all screaming at each other at the top of our lungs because it's just one of those days that we've completely lost our minds. Until that day, though, you can think about the fact that Erin's six weeks pregant and right now, our baby's the size of a sweet pea. We have a little sweet pea."

[just_another]

Spencer says Joel fought it and that's why he's still here, but what he maybe doesn't understand is that he is the reason Joel fought. He gave Joel the power to fight and the strength to beat it, he's the only thing Joel had been focused on and no matter what he'd done on his own, it had all been because Spencer was there with him. What had given him that last burst of power, the thing that had given him enough strength to really push back and force the demon out of his body had been news of their baby. Their family. Without Spencer, there would be no baby and without all that, without the connections Joel has made and the love he's found, he knows the outcome would have been very different.

But he's tired and he's sad and he's strangely relieved all at the same time. The painkillers and sedative have yet to wear off and he thinks that was likely the doctor's intention, that he'll be easier to control and calm down this way, and so long as he has Spencer, Joel thinks they're right. The only thing he wants right now is close his eyes and let Spencer take care of him and maybe that's selfish, he knows this day has been as difficult for as it has been for him and he wants to be able to care for his husband, but right now he doesn't know if he's capable of doing anything more than curling up beside him. Maybe they can just take care of each other for tonight and worry about the mess of it all tomorrow.

"The size of a sweet pea," he murmurs, lifting his good hand to rub carefully at his sore face. They're going to have a baby, it's really happening and Joel feels his eyes welling up again as he blinks away tears. Tonight might have been awful, maybe the worst night of their lives, hopefully the last horrible thing that happens to them, but their future is spreading out in front of them. This is what they have to look forward to and Joel closes his eyes and thanks every last deity he can think of that this news came at the right time. It saved him, it really did. This is what he and Spencer have been waiting for weeks to hear, it's the one thing he hoped he'd hear every single day whenever he checked his phone and saw a missed call or a text from Erin. He wonders what he phone looks right now, how many calls and texts are there to remind him of how much he'd missed in such a short period of time and he wonders if he can have Spencer go through them tomorrow and delete all the ones he doesn't need to worry about. The thought of seeing it all, remembering that his husband had been frantically trying to reach him while he broke his own hand is just a little too much.

"I love you so much, Spencer," he murmurs. "Thank you." It's not enough. Those two words will never be enough no matter what Spencer says, but Joel means them with all his heart. He's thanking Spencer not only for saving him today, but for everything he's done. For loving him so well, for knowing when to take his hand, when to lead him and when to gently push. For always knowing the right words, for knowing when Joel needs a kiss instead of anything else and for knowing when he needs to be treated delicately and when he can be more forthright. Spencer knows everything about him, knows him inside and out and just saying thank you isn't enough, but it's all he has right now.

Closing his eyes, he leans against Spencer, then winces as he tries to get comfortable. They're both injured and the house is in a state, but Joel is just glad he's here to worry about the house. It takes a second for the thought to sink in and his eyes fly open again. "Did you call Raleigh?" he asks. "The house... it looks terrible. She'll worry." There's shattered glass everywhere and holes in the walls. It looks terrible. It looks like someone was hurt there and Joel doesn't want her to worry more than he knows she already will when Spencer tells her what happened.

[doublethepain]

"I love you, too." Spencer wants to say it over and over again, that he loves Joel more than he's ever loved anyone or anything, that he'd be lost without his husband here, because he'd come too close to never being able to say the words to Joel again. The thought chills him to his core, makes his throat tighten as he holds back the sob that threatens to sound every time he remembers that they're not at home and celebrating over the journey ahead of them in their own bed; still, the fact that they can celebrate at all is something.

He despises hospitals, absolutely detests the weak attempts at making the rooms look warm--like the mint green and soft yellow striped pattern that replace the typical stark blue of the curtain on the other side of Joel's bed--when really everything's just cold and the waiting rooms are so often filled to the brim with people who are only here to receive bad news. He hates the antiseptic smell and the squeak of nurses' shoes against the floor, and he knows this all stems from being curled up in an uncomfortable chair next to his mother, Dane sleeping in her lap, after his father had gotten into that car accident, but time hasn't made being in a place like this any better. Time doesn't make the memory of waiting for confirmation of his father's death any better.

He'll always hate hospitals, he thinks, but he'll gladly spend the night in the hospital if it means he doesn't have to spend more time away from Joel. Spencer already knows that he'll be keeping a close eye on Joel for as long as he deems necessary after this is over, after they're back home. He's already made Joel's doctor promise to go over all the necessary precautionary measures they ought to take, how to properly care for the burn wounds and change the dressing, what dose of medication is appropriate and how often. He'd barely taken care of himself as well after what had happened at the lighthouse but with Joel, there will be no compromise. He's not going to lose this man, especially not after everything they've been through, and Joel might find it irritable or overbearing, but Spencer will deal with that as it comes. He loves his husband, that's what it comes down to, and Spencer will always do whatever it takes to take care of him.

Right now, that seems to mean curling up into each other, and Spencer's absolutely fine with that. He gently hushes Joel when he asks about Raleigh, nodding slightly as he smooths a hand over Joel's hair, tugging just slightly at the ends and wrapping a curl around his finger. Joel's hair is getting so long, and he knows his own is, too, but he likes it. He likes that he can run his fingers through Joel's hair and be able to come down to slide a hand over Joel's shoulder and down the expanse of his back. It all flows so nicely, so easily, and he leaves a kiss at the top of Joel's head. "I called her. She's worried, like you said, and she wanted to come to the hospital but I told her that maybe... Maybe we just need a little bit of space. Just for tonight." He thinks he'd made the right decision, and he hasn't called Charlotte yet exactly for that reason because Spencer knows he could say anything to dissuade her from coming to her brother's aide, and it wouldn't have worked. He realizes how selfish it is but the truth is that Spencer needs the time away from the rest of the world just to allow himself the privilege of having his husband back in his arms.

"Coop said that he'd-- he'd try to clean up as best he can." Spencer vaguely remembers that, he'd still been dazed from the blow to his head at the time, but as he'd been loaded onto the stretcher, Coop had grasped his hand--and it's not a regular gesture between them but at the time, it hadn't registered as out of the ordinary--and promised that he'd stay behind to clear as much of the damage as possible. Spencer had asked him, too, to either stay at the house for the night or invite Raleigh to his place just so she wouldn't be left alone because he knows how hard for her that still is. It's difficult for Spencer, too, or at least, it would be if he didn't have Joel. "He can't repair the walls overnight, obviously, but the glass from the-- and on the walls, he'll clean off--"

The glass from the liquor cabinet and the blood on the walls, that's what he can't bring himself to say. Their home has been the site of so much pain, Spencer can hardly believe it's still standing at all, and he lets out a soft sigh before holding Joel a little closer to him and letting a small smile curve his lips at his next thought. "At least now we have a reason to renovate. We have to fix up a nursery for the baby anyway, we might as well get the rest of the house done, too."

[just_another]

That doesn't surprise Joel, not at all, and he hates the thought of Coop staying behind to clean up any of that mess, but he's extremely grateful for it at the same time. His memories are a bit of a blur and he thinks he should be grateful for that, too, but he does remember the glass shattering from the cabinet, most of it flying in Coop's direction. He knows his friend has to have sustained some cuts from that and as much as he wants to check on him and make sure everything is okay, he's too tired to make the effort right now. When he's feeling a bit better, when he's up for leaving this bed, he hopes Coop will forgive him for not having checked on him sooner. He hopes the same of Les and Nerium. Joel doesn't know that he'll ever be able to define the relationship he has with Nerium, he doesn't know if she thinks of him as a friend or if she would never consider him such, but she had come when he needed her and that means so much to him. That Les came, too, someone he doesn't know at all, it's a lot.

Then Spencer mentions renovations and Joel surprises himself by laughing. It's exhaustion and the drugs in his system and possibly even the relief at realizing he's still alive. He's still here and he's free for the first time in a very long time and he has no idea what that might mean for him and for his powers, but that sense of freedom is staggering. So Spencer talks about using the demon's damage as an excuse to renovate the house and he laughs, stifling the sound by pressing his mouth against his good hand.

"As soon as my rib and my hand are healed, I'll build you a whole new house," he says, then laughs again. It hurts to laugh, a little stab of pain in his chest every single time he does, but it feels better than crying. Joel knows he's ricocheting back and forth between extreme reactions, but if there's anyone in this world he's comfortable being honestly emotional around, it's Spencer. And if there's anyone who can understand what he's feeling, he knows it's Spencer, too. Given everything he's been through, all the awful things he's seen and had happen, Joel thinks Spencer will understand any reaction that comes out of him at this point.

"How do you thank someone for helping banish the demon that was trying to live inside you?" he asks and his shoulders quiver again. Laughing hurts so much, but at the same time it feels so good. That he's able to be here in this bed with Spencer, that he's able to laugh and feel pain, it all just serves to remind him that he's alive. He survived this. They both did. There are repairs to do, bridges to mend, an actual physical building for Joel to fix, but he can do that. He's here to do that and that means the world to him. "With a fruit basket?"

There's something about the thought of sending Nerium a fruit basket that nearly sends Joel into a convulsive fit of laughter and the only thing that stops it is the pain in his side. "Ow," he says, lowering his arm, resting it against his chest. "Ow, okay, no more laughing like that. The doctor said it's likely going to hurt for weeks and they won't wrap it because it increases the risk of developing pneumonia when you can't take a full breath."

He's drugged, but he had been listening and now that the sedative is beginning to wear off a little, he's remembering all the things the doctor told him. "He also said he has a folder for you to take home when I'm allowed to leave."

[doublethepain]

"As long as you're next to me, I'll already be home." He says it casually, with a smile because he's happy to see his husband laughing even though he feels another flash of unfounded guilt every time he sees Joel flinch from the pain, but by no means is Spencer flippant about that statement because it is an invariable truth. Joel could decide tomorrow that being in that house is too difficult for him, that he can't get past the memories of what the demon had done to him while he's there, that he thinks they should sell it, and Spencer knows he'd agree to it. That house has seen him through a lot of pain, he's lived in it since childhood, but Spencer would leave it in a heartbeat if it's what Joel wanted. He knows this isn't going to happen, that Joel wouldn't ask him to leave, and maybe that makes all of this easier to think but at the same time, Spencer would go anywhere for his husband. All Joel ever needs to do is ask.

It's the question about the fruit basket that ends up doing Spencer in, and he goes from a moderately amused smile to a full-blown grin as he huffs a laugh and gives Joel the most skeptical look he can manage right now with his eyes crinkling at the corners and his own shoulders shaking in time with Joel's. "A fruit basket, yes, nothing else screams banishment assistance appreciation quite like a fruit basket," he teases, playfully rolling his eyes even though even that serves to make his head smart but it's more than worth it because he wants to enjoy this moment. It's a bit morbid, a bit bizarre, but for at least a moment, Spencer is willing to let the pain medication coursing through Joel's system do the talking because it's better than focusing on the pain.

They're going to move past this, there's no question of it, they simply have to because they officially have a baby on the way. They're officially going to be fathers, they're going to share the responsibility of caring for another human life, and they won't be able to do that if they hold on too tightly to their pasts. Spencer knows it won't be easy, it never is. Over a decade later, Joel still feels that guilt for Amy's death and a day hasn't yet gone by that Spencer doesn't think about his mother or brother; but he'd meant what he said before, that he'd be there for Joel when he stumbles because he knows Joel will be there for him, too. Joel could have walked away for good after what had happened with Mark and if he'd been a different kind of man, he may very well have; but he isn't a different kind of man, he's Joel and that's why Spencer loves him so much. He's just Joel, and it's hardly an explanation but Spencer could talk for days about all the reasons he's so in love with this man, all the reasons he'd belonged to Joel from the very beginning and will belong to him until the very end.

The demon had been a roadblock, that's all. They're going to live a long and happy life together, Spencer believes that because Joel had said not too long ago that they'd be eighty and reminiscing about when their children were young, and he just can't let that image go. It's something that has to happen, something that will happen because he's brazen enough to say that he thinks they deserve it. They've been through too much together to lose everything sooner than later, and Spencer refuses to accept anything less than growing old with his husband.

"No more laughing," Spencer agrees, even as another chuckle escapes him, and rests his hand over Joel's arm. He can already envision how difficult it's going to be to keep Joel from trying to get to work on fixing the house back up as soon as he can, but Spencer fully intends to make sure Joel rests. The store can't stay closed for too long, but he thinks he can talk Charlotte into overseeing things there while Spencer works from home. She's as smart as her brother, though a thousand times more shameless, so Spencer isn't worried about how well she'll handle being there alone. He'll pay her--maybe won't tell Joel about that part and hope he doesn't look too closely at their next bank statement--but things like ordering inventory and balancing their ledger, he can do from home. He wants to be there for Joel but more than that, Spencer just doesn't like the idea of being too far away from him. He's never been particularly fond of that idea.

"Oh, believe me, I've already had a chat with your doctor about that. He and mine tried to bully me, you know, they tried to tell me I might exert myself into a worse condition but that hardly seems plausible. You'll be a model patient for me, won't you? In any case, I think they turned out to be very intimidated by my husbandly aggression." Spencer furrows his brow and frowns, making his best attempt at a stern face that he suspects doesn't look very stern at all.

"God, our child is going to think I'm a joke. What if I tell Dane to go to his room and he just laughs? Or what if Rose only comes to ask me things because she knows I'll always say yes?" Actually, Spencer can very easily picture Joel being the one who won't be able to resist any wide-eyed expression their child makes at him, and he rests his head back against their shared pillow and smiles softly. "The due date is July 7. She could be early or late, of course, but... That's not very far away at all, is it?"

[just_another]

Spencer uses the term husbandly aggression and Joel chuckles again, trying to imagine Spencer intimidating the doctor and finding it surprisingly easy to picture. Most people might not expect of him, but Joel knows what Spencer is capable when he puts his mind to something and he has no doubt he gave the doctors a hard time if they said anything he didn't want to hear or tried to keep the two of them apart. He'd felt the same earlier, though he'd had a difficult time communicating it due to the drugs in his system. His nurse had understood it well enough, though, he's sure of that, he'd seen in the sympathetic look she had given him while cleaning up the spilled water.

But the thing, too, is that he trusts Spencer completely. It isn't just that he hates being stuck in the hospital, although he does, and it isn't just that he wants to be at home. The doctors can only do so much for him now that his bones are set and his burn has been treated and the cut on his head has been stitched. There's nothing else they can do for him except watch and he would much rather have Spencer be the one looking after him. Spencer is more than capable and Joel knows he's been injured as well, he knows maybe it's selfish to want Spencer to take care of him when he's been hurt, but he doesn't want it to be anyone else. Only Spencer. He's the only one Joel trusts with all of this because he's the only one who's been there right from the start.

"I'll be good," he promises and he will be. He's been hurt before and he's been as good as he can be then, but now, with everything that's happened, with Spencer being hurt as well, he'll do whatever he can to make the recovery easier. Part of that is what Spencer says. Part of what will make it easier will be if he finds some way to forgive himself and he makes a silent promise that he'll try. That he'll do his very best to make sure he forgives himself even if it's difficult, because he doesn't want to carry this for the rest of his life. He's carried Amy and her death for so long and he doesn't know if he has room in his conscience for one more heavy burden.

"July 7," he echoes softly, looking at Spencer for a long moment before he shifts on the bed to kiss him. It's long and lingering, their mouths pressed together as Joel closes his eyes and lets himself sink into the familiarity of Spencer's lips under his. This is what he needs. Not a hospital, not the painkillers, not even the sedative, but this. His husband, their life together, their home, their future, their baby. And he's terrified of having to explain any of this to Erin, he's scared of having to tell her what he had done as a teenager, the way it had rippled through the years to come back and tear things down now, but he can't very well hide a broken hand and broken rib from her. Not now. Not when she's carrying the baby he and Spencer are going to raise.

And when he pulls back, he's smiling. He shakes his head and says, "No, it's not very far away at all." They have so much work to do, things to buy, a room to prepare, books to read, and Joel thinks that really might be the thing that saves him from wearing this experience for the rest of his life. Being here, knowing Spencer still loves him, knowing his husband isn't going to send him away because of a horrible mistake he'd made so many years ago, it all helps more than he knows how to say. But the baby, the preparation required, he thinks that's going to be what really helps to pull him through. What gives him that final shove toward being okay at least some of the time.

"You're going to be amazing," he says softly, lifting his good hand to touch Spencer's face. His fingers slide gently over his cheek before he smiles, the expression faint, but genuine. "Our child is going to love you so much, just like I do. He or she is going to be so happy to have you as a father." And it's going to be a reality so much sooner than either of them realize. It's suddenly going to be July and neither of them will know how the time has passed so quickly.

"The timing of this is... well, I'm just lucky it worked out this way," he says. "It was exactly what I needed to hear, Spencer. You said we were going to have a baby and it was like everything was suddenly easy. I had to be there with you for that. I had to. All of me, like you said."

[doublethepain]

It's always easy to lose himself when Joel kisses him, to let himself forget everything else if only for a moment and zone in on what matters most to him. Spencer has put all of himself into this relationship, into this marriage, he's given all of himself to Joel, and that's never going to change. He knows that they can't have a full picture of what the future has in store for them but Spencer is more than confident in the belief that he'll be as dedicated to his husband in fifty years as he is now. Joel is the only one who will ever know so much about Spencer, practically all there even is to know, and that is a bona fide fact because if Joel were to ever leave or if anything were to happen, Spencer could never open up like this again to anybody else. He'd close in on himself, he'd withdraw, just like he'd done after his mother and brother had died, like he still does with others.

There's one person Spencer trusts with his life, with his future child's life, and that person is Joel. None of this, none of what's happened with the demon, has an effect on Spencer's vision of Joel as a husband or a parents. Joel tells him he's going to be amazing, that their child will love him, and Spencer threads his fingers carefully through his husband's hair, humming his agreement and returning the soft smile. "Our child's going to love us both," he gently corrects, and he knows Joel knows that. He knows that in spite of whatever insecurities they may experience along the way, they're both very much aware that they're going to be good at this.

They've been allowed the luxury of choosing exactly when they were ready to start their family and that's not something every parents gets to do. They're lucky in that way, that they get to actively make all these decisions together, and they're luckier still that they're always on the same page. The reason for that, Spencer realizes, is that they only ever want what's right for each other, for their relationship, for their future. There are no ulterior motives between them, there never have been, even from the beginning when Spencer had been wondered whether his lack of sexual experience alone might be reason enough to make Joel walk away. He thinks he'd known better even then because otherwise, he would have given up; but he hadn't. He'd held on to the connection they have between them because Spencer had been able to sense that it would be worth it.

"You're not going anywhere," Spencer tells him, lowering his hand back down to trace small circles over Joel's chest. "You're not allowed to, okay? Because you're right, you have to be with me. With us. You have to be there when our baby's born, you have to hold our child in your arms, you have to share that moment with me when we realize that we're actually fathers." He feels his chest tightening again but this time, it's with the anticipation of the incredible life they're going to have together, the beautiful family they're going to raise. It's considerably difficult to allow himself to believe that perfection--or something close to it--could possibly exist after the day they've had and when they're lying in a hospital bed, but Spencer thinks about their future and it's good. He's fairly certain that before Joel, he hadn't been able to say that.

The smile curving his lips grows wider as he thinks about all the preparations they'll be busy with over the course of the next nine months. They've already shown each other toys, clothes, examples of nurseries, cribs, strollers, all sorts of things they'll need for the baby that they'll actually have to go out and buy now. There are so many decisions to make but Spencer finds himself excited to make them rather than stressing over whether they're make the rights ones because whatever they choose, it's going to be based on what's best for their baby. He suspects that Joel will read loads more articles about parenting, and Spencer will refrain from it so that he can listen to his husband talk about what he'd learned. In return, Spencer will recite the safety specs of every stroller he's able to find, the pros and cons of each diaper brand or baby formula, and whatever else he manages to commit to memory about the things their child will need. He might leave out, though, exactly how much each toy he ends up bringing home costs because some things are better left unsaid.

He tilts his head so that it's resting lightly on Joel's, and he doesn't think either of them are the most comfortable they could be in this bed but it makes no difference to Spencer as long as his husband is here and breathing and in his arms. He'd stay like this forever if it meant he wouldn't have to leave Joel's side again. "Should we hedge our bets now? Erin's had two boys, do you think we'll have our Dane joining us next year? Or maybe she'll have twins. Oh, god, what if she has twins?"

[just_another]

The more time that passes, the easier it is for Joel to breathe. Maybe it's just that Spencer is here with him now, maybe it's just been seeing his husband, being reminded that they're in this together, that Spencer isn't going to leave him because of this. And no, there's no maybe about it, it's certainly Spencer's presence in this room now that's putting him more at ease and he knows it's so far from over, there are going to be nights when he can't breathe, when he feels like everything is crumbling down around him, but knowing that Spencer will be there to face those nights with him makes a world of difference. No matter what, he trusts that Spencer will be here, that he'll hold Joel's hand when necessary, that he'll snap him out of it when that's what he needs, and he knows that being so secure in their place in this world together is what's going to give him the strength to get through. Alone Joel knows there's a limit to what he can do. With Spencer, he feels so much stronger. Maybe even limitless.

It's probably wishful thinking. Joel knows there are limits to what everyone can do, but he doesn't feel that way with Spencer. They beat Mark Fuller together, they beat that island together, they beat a demon together. There's no end to the things they can do when they stand side by side and Joel can feel himself growing more serious with every passing moment. He knows it's still the stress of the past several weeks having culminated in such a horrific afternoon, he knows he's still feeling the effects of all this, that it's left them both reeling. Joel suspects his emotions might be delicate like this for days still, but it isn't the worst thing that can happen. Not when he knows, whatever he might need, Spencer will be there, and he's stunned to silence because he's never felt so confident about anything in his entire life before this. Spencer really will be here no matter what he needs. He doesn't doubt that for a second.

He laughs softly when Spencer mentions the possibility of twins and shakes his head, trying to imagine the two of them with two new born babies at the same time. Like every other challenge they've faced, he thinks they'll do just fine. "If she has twins, we'll be okay," he says. "We'll be okay." They'll figure it out and they'll probably lie awake at night in sheer terror for the first several weeks, but the time will come that they'll slowly relax into the new position and he thinks that will be true whether they have one baby or several at the same time. He knows, no matter what, they're going to find their way after a period of fear and stress. And they'll always worry, he's sure of that, too, but he knows for certain they'll reach a point where they become a little more sure of themselves.

"I can't wait," he murmurs and in a few moments he'll think to call the nurse, to ask if she can bring in a cot for Spencer, because he hopes they understand Spencer won't leave. If he wanted to, Joel of course wouldn't force him to stay even though he'd want him to, but he knows Spencer won't go home and leave him here. Even if he should, even if he would be more comfortable in their bed at home, Joel knows neither of them will sleep well like that and that Spencer would rather stay here. And when he thinks about it, he'll call her, he'll ask for a cot, but right now he's just happy to have Spencer in the bed with him, a familiar warmth pressed against his side, one he knows he'll never be able to do without. This right here is exactly what he needs.

"I know down the line I'll regret having said that," he continues, his voice soft and still hoarse, but he throat feels better and he doesn't know if it's just that he's not thinking about it anymore or if he's already begun to heal. "Eight months from now when we're panicking because we're not ready, I'll be angry with myself for having said it, but I can't wait. It can't come soon enough." He smiles then, his head tipped back against his pillow, his gaze on the ceiling. "I can't wait for us to be able to hold our baby."

It doesn't matter to him which one of them turns out to be the father, though he supposes it will be fairly obvious when the baby is born. Joel is sure any child of his is going to come out with dark hair right at the start, but he doesn't care. All he wants is to hold that baby and know with certainty that he and Spencer are going to do everything to make sure he or she has a good life. "You two saved me," he murmurs up at the ceiling. "You did."

[doublethepain]

"I can't wait either," Spencer tells him, "so now we can both regret saying that together." The time will pass more quickly than either of them could possibly anticipate, that's one thing Spencer's certain will be true. Erin's already over a month into her pregnancy, just like that, and Spencer still isn't sure that he's fully wrapped his mind around the fact that this is really happening no matter how many times he says it out loud. He finds himself blinking back tears again, thankful that at least they've moved on for the time being to tears that are for something that's going to make their future so bright.

It's always been Spencer's default state to think of the worst-case scenario, to imagine everything that could possibly go wrong before he lands on the one that could go right because in his past experience, very little in the big picture has gone particularly right. Joel's changed all that, even today, even in spite of his husband insisting that Spencer and their unborn child had saved him, things had at least gone right in the end. They're here together, after all, talking about their baby and their future, and it's what they should be doing. The demon couldn't ruin that, it had tried to destroy everything but it couldn't destroy this. Love truly had triumphed over that evil, Spencer thinks, and it's the reason that their little Dane or Rose will be fortunate enough to know Joel as a father.

He can't imagine going at it on his own. It physically pains him to think of any sort of future without Joel in it but to think of having to explain to their child why Joel isn't there to watch them grow up actually makes him sick. He tries to push those thoughts from his mind because they have no place here, not when Joel's in his arms and safe and alive, focusing instead on how beautiful his husband looks even under the fluorescent hospital lights and in a hospital gown. He wonders if their baby will take after Joel and if he's honest, he's hoping that he or she will. In Spencer's mind, he always sees a baby with dark curls that is so clearly Joel's, and he wants that more than anything. He wants to be able to look at their first child and be reminded of his husband, to know that these are the two people he will always love more than anyone in this world.

"We saved you," Spencer echoes, keeping his eyes on his husband even as Joel raises his own to the ceiling. "We always will. We're going to be a family, and I'm going to tell you both how much I love you every single day, just like I do now because-- Because we can't ever let our children spend a second wondering if maybe we don't."

He hadn't told his mother and brother enough, and he remembers asking Joel in the attic of their home if he thought they'd known. Joel had insisted they had, of course they had, and Spencer's true that's true but there's still such a large part of him that regrets not having it said it more often. He thinks that's why it's so easy to say it with Joel, why he's able to be so free with his emotions now that he's found someone who inspires him to love; he doesn't want to regret a single day of their life together in the end. He wants to be able to look back and be sure that Joel had felt loved by him, that any children they have had felt loved by him. It's important to Spencer, a non-negotiable, and it may be embarrassing to their children when they're older but they'll understand in time. They'll understand that no matter what, their fathers only ever want the best for them.

"You're here," he says, his voice softer now, and the words are meant as more of a reminder to himself than anything else. He presses a kiss to Joel's cheek, careful of the bandaged cut, then another to his temple. "You're here. God, Joel. I was so scared, but you're still with me, and I love you so much."

[just_another]

There's a part of Joel that wants to tell Spencer how afraid he had been that this wouldn't happen. That the demon would win, that it would somehow catch Joel in its grip at the last minute and pull him down screaming into the depth of its darkness and he would never recover. He wants to say all the things that had frightened him, all the horrible thoughts he'd had while he was fighting. All the fears, all the awful visions he'd been shown of a future that would come to pass if he let the demon win. They had been worse than the dreams, they'd been violent and bloody and horrific, and Joel knows it's a selfish need he has to unload this all on Spencer. He wants to, but he can't. The idea of telling him all the things he saw is too much. He can't do that to Spencer.

Maybe in time he'll be able to, but not right now. They've had such a long, terrible day, they both just need a chance to rest and not think about everything. Joel doesn't want to bring it up or make it worse by telling Spencer the things the demon had said to him, the awful things it had made him see. None of these things will happen now and so they don't matter. For the time being he can push them from his mind and focus on what Spencer is saying, the future ahead of them. They really did save him, Spencer and this baby that's barely begun to grow at all, and he's not sure either of them will ever truly understand the depth of what they've done for him today.

"I'm here," he agrees softly, then sits up a little in the bed, offering Spencer a small smile. "Want to see something?"

When the doctors had been strapping him down, when he'd been fighting them, he had discovered this. In a rage fueled by the fear of what had happened, by the pain in his hand and his ribs, by the thought of not being able to see Spencer, he'd lifted his good arm and swept it through the air in an attempt to knock the doctor away. Nothing had happened. He'd tried twice more before a paramedic had been able to get his arm restrained and at the time it had made Joel furious, but now he understands. That power had never been his to begin with.

He makes sure Spencer is watching before he lifts his hand and flicks his fingers toward the plastic cup sitting on the table beside his bed. Even yesterday, that cup would have flown across the room and hit the wall, spilling water everywhere. If nothing else, even if he'd been trying to control it, it would have at least tipped over. He does it again, harder this time, but nothing happens and he looks over at Spencer again, his smile growing a little.

"It's gone," he says. "I can't do it anymore. It... I guess I should have known better. I could never do it before we came to Siren Cove and my parents just always thought it was this town. That there was something about it that brought out powers I hadn't had before, but it wasn't me at all. It was that thing inside me and now it's gone and I can't do it anymore." He isn't sad about it, he doesn't imagine he'll miss it. It had been useful, he certainly can't deny that, but it had been violent, too. He hates that the demon had used it on Spencer and he's glad it's gone.

"I'm willing to bet there won't be anymore black eyes either," he says. "That maybe... maybe things are going to change a lot more than I ever would have realized." But it's a relief, one he thinks it's evident in the way his smile trembles slightly. For so long he'd wondered if his powers had just been rooted in darkness and now he knows better. Now he knows it had never been him.

[doublethepain]

When Joel flicks his fingers and the cup doesn't move, Spencer is certain that he must have blinked. He must have blinked, or he hadn't been paying attention, or it had only been a trick of his mind because the cup should have moved; but then Joel does it again with the same result, and Spencer huffs a short, incredulous laugh. That Joel had been able to access that kind of power at all hadn't necessarily frightened Spencer, not until the demon had crawled its way to being in control, but he knows how weary it had made his husband. There's a price that comes with a power like that, the price of knowing that one day, it could get out of hand. Both times Joel had used it in the time Spencer has known him, he'd used it to protect Spencer and that guilt nudges the back of his mind again but he buries it.

That power is gone, it hadn't ever been Joel's in the first place, and it makes so much sense. "You're a good man," Spencer tells him, eyes still fixed on the cup that hasn't moved. "Even with that demon inside you, you were always a good man but that thing has no hold on you anymore. It's done, we beat it." Joel's free. His husband is free, and Spencer has to bite down hard on his bottom to lip to keep himself from crying because he's so utterly relieved that this is over.

He lets himself fall back against the pillow again, grunting from the pain of his bruising and shoulder, but he'll take all the pain in the world for Joel's freedom. "This earns us at least fifty years of peace, right?" he asks, laughing again as he lets his eyes slip shut. He feels so drained but it's nothing compared to how happy he is to be here with Joel and only Joel. The worry, the dread that's been plaguing them both since Joel had started having those nightmares, it can be forgotten now. They can rest, and he's beyond thankful for that because he's so tired of fighting.

But if they have to fight, Spencer can at least take great comfort in knowing that he has a partner in this. Joel won't leave him, they won't leave each other. They've seen each other through some awful experiences in the time they've been together but Spencer reminds himself of what their future holds. "Is it strange that we're going to be replacing fighting demons and surviving psychopaths with setting up a nursery and picking out new furniture? Because after everything we've been through over the last few months, I'd really, really like my biggest worry to be what to keep our liquor in next."

He knows it won't be that easy. Spencer still sees Mark when he closes his eyes, and he hardly expects Joel to be fully back to himself after what the demon had done to him; but they're a step closer now. They have a lot to distract them, after all, and it doesn't matter that the demon is the reason they'll be fixing up the house because the demon doesn't exist anymore. It's gone, it's out of their lives, and Spencer would be content to never have to think about it again. He's sure that when he gets home and sees those two holes made by Joel's fists that had slammed on either side of his head, Spencer will feel sick to his stomach because it'll only make him remember watching the demon throw Joel's body against the wall, burn Joel's skin with that lighter. He'll dream that he hadn't been able to save Joel at all, that he'd been left alone again after sentencing his husband to a lifetime of hell trapped in his own body.

But when he wakes up, he'll feel Joel's arms around him and know that in the end, they'll be okay. They love each other too much to be anything else. They have too much to look forward to in their lives to let what had happened today consume them.

"Things are going to change," Spencer agrees, opening his eyes against so he can look at Joel. "But I think maybe it's going to be a good thing."

[just_another]

"Careful," Joel says softly when Spencer makes a noise that sounds distinctly like he's in pain. He knows the demon had hurt him, he remembers that he'd been knocked unconscious and the nurse had told him as much, that the doctor had been concerned about another head injury and he feels a wave of guilt threatening to overtake him. They're here, he reminds himself, and they might be injured, but they can recover. That's the most important thing. Right now it isn't going to do either of them any good if he lets himself succumb to the guilt he feels and so he shakes it off as best he can, just watching Spencer for any signs of pain, wanting him to be comfortable, wanting to do anything and everything he can do just to make sure that happens. For the time being there isn't much he can do, given that he's stuck in this hospital bed and he's not sure when they'll let him leave, but as soon as he's home, he's looking forward to being able to do whatever he can to help them both get past this.

"At least fifty years," he agrees with a little smile, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to Spencer's cheek. "And you're right, things are going to change, but I think... I think you're right about the rest of it, too. I think it's going to be a good thing. I... I feel different Spencer." The more the sedative wears off, the more aware of it Joel becomes. There's a sense of being alone in his mind for the first time in what feels like forever and he hadn't even been aware of the presence, he hadn't known he wasn't alone, but now that he is he can feel how different it is. It's a freedom like he's never known before, not having to share his thoughts and his space with something else. There's a thought that it should feel like he's empty, like he's missing something, but it's not like that at all. The thing that had been inside him hadn't been welcome there and now that it's gone, all he feels is relief.

"Do you remember what I read about it... it blocking some powers and drawing out others?" he asks, looking down at his hands. "I'm good at protective charms and healing potions, but I've never been as good as my mother. She's always had a knack for it and at first I thought I just had more to learn, but now I'm wondering if... maybe it was blocking that, too. Maybe I'm meant to be as good as she is." Eleanor can just lay her hands on people sometimes and draw out their own. Her potions are far superior to Joel's and the protective charms she can give people have been known to last decades. Eventually Joel's have always failed. Not right away, not even within a year, but eventually, and now he's wondering if he'll be able to do more. If he'll be able to dig down and find the powers that were being blocked.

If maybe they'll all be for the good of others.

"And my premonitions," he says slowly, looking over at Spencer, trying to gauge his reaction. "Maybe... maybe I'll be able to finally make use of them. Maybe they won't hurt." He wonders if they hurt because they were being blocked on purpose, if the demon was trying to keep him from seeing the future because it was worried he might see what was coming for him. If that's the case, if he can use these premonitions for good, if they won't leave him with blinding headaches and more questions than answers, then maybe everything really is about to change.

Then he smiles and kisses Spencer again. "I can't wait to set up the nursery and pick out new furniture with you, Spencer," he murmurs. "The one thing this demon had no control over was you." Because if things are changing so significantly inside him, he doesn't want Spencer to doubt that his love has been real and true right from the beginning. It's the one thing he can feel for certain hasn't changed at all.

[doublethepain]

"I'll be okay," Spencer murmurs, shifting just slightly so that he's putting less pressure on his shoulder. His injuries are minor, considering he'd been thrown into a wall, and the MRI scan his doctor had forced upon him had shown no lasting damage to his head. He considers himself lucky, really, because he's taken more blows to the head in the past few months than in his entire lifetime and each time, he's walked away with nothing more than the occasional bad headache. Besides, it's Joel that he's been worried about since the second he'd walked through the doors of their home. What the demon had done to him, the way the demon had used him, had been so utterly terrible that the memory of seeing Joel's body being abused like that makes him flinch harder than remembering that his shoulder had been dislocated or that the next time he takes his shirt off, his back will look like a discolored mess.

The important thing is that he'll heal, Joel will heal, they'll help each other heal more than just on the surface. Spencer knows he couldn't have made it through the ordeal with Mark without Joel. It's not that he'd needed help from just anyone, it's that he'd needed Joel, he'd needed the only person who'd been there and could have understood what he'd been through. He can be that person for Joel now, the kind of person who's willing to carry him on his back all over again because this is what they'd signed up for when they'd married each other. Nothing matters more to Spencer than Joel, absolutely nothing, and he could lose everything else but as long as he has his husband, he knows he'll still feel safe. He'll feel secure, like nothing can touch him, Joel gives him this strength that nobody else has ever been able to truly offer.

He glances down at his husband when Joel mentions his premonitions, arching an eyebrow at the notion that having them might not cause him pain anymore with the demon gone. "Remember when I saw you on that park bench?" he asks, pausing to leave a kiss against Joel's forehead. "Back in May? I still didn't quite know how to process how I felt about you, but I told you that I thought it was admirable that you were trying to work on getting a better grasp of the premonitions. That hasn't changed." His expression softens, and he rests his cheek against Joel's hair. "I've always hated seeing you in pain, baby, but if having that demon inside of you is what made those premonitions hurt you, if having it gone suddenly makes things clear and you want to do good things with that, I'm not going to try to stop you. How could I?"

There's a certain element of danger, Spencer thinks, that might come with Joel using his premonitions to help people; but he also thinks that if their positions were reversed, he'd want to do the same thing. Besides, he reasons, Joel wouldn't be in that alone. Spencer would be there every step of the way, watching for any hint of pain and raising a fuss if he ever saw one. "We just have to watch out for each other," he says, "just like we've been doing all this time. And you're right, the demon had no control over me. It couldn't have stopped me from loving you or seeing the kind of man you really are. You saved my life three times before you even kissed me, and I-- I don't know. There's no faking that."

Even with the knowledge that the demon had likely been there all along, waiting it out all these years, searching for the right time to surface, it doesn't change anything for Spencer. Every ounce of love he's felt from Joel had come from Joel because nothing as evil as what the thing that had been inside his husband could have been capable of making Spencer feel like that, like this, like he'll always feel. The connection between them couldn't have been manufactured, it couldn't have been falsified, it's something that exists because Spencer's future is with Joel. No power in the universe could ever change that, he's sure of it.

"The TempurPedic stays," he says suddenly, tone firm but light, "and if we don't leave it for a few days after they let you go home, I won't mind. I just want to be with you. I just want to be next to you and know that together, we can always beat the odds."

[just_another]

He knows, these are all things Joel already knows, but having Spencer say it, actually hearing the words, it means a lot to him. He remembers that day so well, the way Spencer had looked at him like what he was doing was really for the good of others instead of just another obligation and he'd felt such wonder at the idea. For so long the premonitions had been nothing but a source of frustration, something he was expected to be good at and something he was repeatedly failing, so to have someone look at him -- someone he thinks he was already in love with without even knowing -- and see them in a completely different light had been so refreshing. It had given Joel to drive to try harder still and even though it hadn't really worked in the long run because the demon had likely been blocking them, Spencer had given him a reason to want to try. Even then when they had barely known each other, when just seeing Spencer had set Joel's heart thundering in his chest, Spencer had given him a reason to try and he's not surprised, but it still makes him smile.

He really should have known right from the start, he thinks. Right from the very first conversation they'd had, from all the others that had followed. He should have just known because no one in his life has been so supportive as Spencer is. No matter what he says, no matter what he wants to try, he can count on Spencer to be there for him and Joel knows such unwavering support really isn't all that easy to come by, but he has it. There's nothing in this world that can make him take this for granted and he settles back on the bed, still taking care to make sure Spencer has enough space.

"There's no faking that," he agrees softly and sometimes he thinks he should be surprised that Spencer is the one thing that demon couldn't touch, but he isn't. There's something so good about him, something so pure about what they share, it really doesn't surprise Joel at all. Something so rooted in darkness and hate can never hope to understand what they have between them, it can never hope to even touch what they have, and Joel marvels again at his luck. To have found someone like Spencer after so long, to have found him so close to this demon that had been inside him finally trying to take over. The chances seem so astronomical, but he isn't going to question any of it. He's lucky, that's all there is to it. He's been so incredibly lucky and he will never forget that.

Then he smiles, looking up at the ceiling again, glad to just be here with Spencer. There's so much for him to be thankful for, so much that could have gone really wrong. He knows the likelihood of them beating this demon had seemed almost impossible, but they did it and they're here and he wants to just bask in that for a moment. "The TempurPedic stays," he agrees, his eyes closed, his lips curved into a smile. "I love that bed almost as much as I love you. It certainly lived up to the hype."

They've made so many good memories in that bed, so much more than just being intimate. He remembers so clearly the first night he'd slept there, the way he'd found Spencer's book shoved under the pillow, how awkward and uncertain they had both been as Joel had undressed. More than anything, though, he remembers how it had felt to pull Spencer into his arms and lie there with him, wrapped in a feeling of safety and affection and something real and true for the first time in his life. He remembers how it had felt when Spencer had fallen asleep, the steady rise and fall of his chest, the sense Joel had gotten how just how alive and how vibrant this man really was and how close they'd come to losing out on this experience.

They have many more memories to make. Lazy mornings with their baby, with another child down the line. Nights reading to a toddler curled up against them. Days when their children don't feel well and come crawling into their bed, wanting nothing more than to just be cuddled. There's nothing that can make Joel want to give away that part of their life and he knows it's just a bed, but it's significant. It means a lot to him.

"I think Charlotte might be willing to look after the store at least part time while we recover," he says and he knows she will. He can feel it already. Spencer must have texted her, he thinks, because he can sense that she knows and that connection flows so much easier now. It's like it used to be and he can't believe he's gone so long without it.

[doublethepain]

It's been one hundred and ninety-three days now since the first day they'd met, since Spencer had started the process of handing his heart over to the only man who could handle it without breaking it, and he remembers bringing up the subject of his bed when Joel had come to the house but being entirely incapable of keeping himself from blushing furiously about it. Joel had made him so nervous before he'd been able to make him comfortable, though it's very much a testament to how Spencer had already felt about him than anything else. He'd spent a long time trying to ignore what people thought about him, about keeping to himself as much as possible so he wouldn't have to hear the whispers, but Joel was the first person who'd ever made Spencer want to be more than what he thought he could ever be. As far as Spencer had been concerned, he was a librarian and that was good enough. Now, he's a husband, a friend, a son-in-law, a brother-in-law, a bookshop owner, a future father, a man whose life has been changed so much for the better because of the person beside him.

He owes Joel so much, certainly his life several times over, and Spencer knows that neither of them are keeping score but he could also never forget any of it. The reason he'd been alive to get that demon out of his husband was because Joel had been there to save him from the Hydra. It's just what they do, even from the beginning, they take care of each other. It's his turn now, to make sure that Joel doesn't strain his hand or get out of bed too often or too quickly or that Joel's getting enough to eat while he's sentenced to bed rest. These are the things that will be easy, but he'll be there for the hard stuff, as well. He'd made a vow to do just that, and he doesn't have any plans to go back on it. The most important thing in the world to him is that Joel is safe, that Joel is healthy and alive and breathing, and Spencer would do anything to make sure that stays true. The same will go for their child when he or she comes, it'll be the same of both of them because they'll be responsible then not just for each other but for their tiny babies who will have no choice but to believe that they're in good hands.

He's not going to let them down, not his husband and not their children, because he's been let down before and Spencer would never want to put his family through that. They're going to be happy, it's almost a mantra by now, but he has to keep believing it because even though they've been through awful trials, Spencer is ready to accept that his life is going to be a good one. He's ready to accept that they deserve better. He knows he's going to wake up in the morning and find Joel holding the baby in his arms, trying to feed them formula before they wake up and cry because he doesn't want Spencer to have to be woken up for that. Spencer thinks maybe he'll develop a sleeping problem to rival Joel's because he'll be obsessively checking on the baby's breathing every five minutes until his husband laughs and tells him to go to sleep.

"Keyword 'almost,'" Spencer says, shooting Joel mock warning look that shifts easily into a tired smile. "My longest relationship is still with that bed, by the way, so you've got a bit of competition." At the mention of Charlotte, he sobers because he suspects that she'll be terribly upset they hadn't told her about the demon a long time ago. It had been Joel's decision, and Spencer had respected it. He'd have done the same thing, he thinks, because he'd want to keep as many people as possible safe. They have the sort of friends who like to jump in and offer any help they can even if it's in the face of danger, but Spencer knows that neither of them have any space left in their conscious to bear the burden of the kind of guilt that'd come with putting the people they care about in danger. So they'd kept Charlotte in the dark and maybe by now, her mental connection to Joel is back to being fully operational, but he hasn't gotten any angry calls from her yet so he thinks they might be safe from her rage in here.

Then again, his phone had been in the back pocket of his jeans, which are now in a bag that he'll have to request be brought here. There's no way he's leaving this room, not until Joel's leaving it with him, not when he wouldn't want to be alone if he were in Joel's shoes. "Having her keep it open while we can't be there would be very helpful," he admits, and he knows he shouldn't be thinking about business when Joel's injured but it's not as if he has a separate source of income now. They're not going to be in trouble if the store stays closed for a few days, not by any means, but Spencer doesn't want to have to be focusing his attention on anything other than his husband while Joel recovers.

"When you're well enough to take more visitors, I'll call Erin," he says, trailing his fingers up and down Joel's good arm. "We can ask her a million questions to distract her from asking us what happened, that should work, right? Perhaps not but still, it'll be the first time we get to see her when she's pregnant." He's done his research, and Erin likely won't be showing for another few weeks or so but that doesn't matter. She's pregnant, the baby is going to be theirs, and Spencer wants Joel to be able to see her.

[just_another]

Joel is a little afraid of seeing Erin like this, of having to answer questions. So far they've avoided talking much about magic, but if she's spent a lot of time in and around Siren Cove, he's been hoping she already knows that magic exists, that she lives in a world with witches and sirens, because he knows eventually they'll have to tell her. She's carrying a child for them and Joel wants to make every effort to be as honest with her as possible, but being a witch is something he's kept secret from everyone for such a long time that he hasn't been sure how to tell her. It's not the sort of thing Joel has been very good at, telling people what he can do, but now he doesn't have much of a choice.

And now it all looks sort of awful. He'd summoned a demon as a teenager and it had nearly destroyed his entire family's life at the time. Now it's put his family in danger again and he hates that this is how he's going to have to tell her, but it can't be avoided. He can't pretend nothing has happened, especially when he knows he isn't going to be let out of the hospital right away. Even if the doctor would agree to let him go, there's no missing the cast on his hand or the marks on his face. They've both been injured and she's going to expect an explanation.

"I'm afraid to tell her," he admits. He'd considered not saying anything, but Spencer will understand. It's likely Spencer feels the same way and Joel doesn't think they should have to keep it from each other. They're embarking on a huge life change and to have something like this thrown into the mix feels awful, like it's trying to take this happiness away from them. It can't, it won't change anything, but he's still afraid.

"We haven't told her what I am and it seems so stupid now," he says, shaking his head a little. "Like I should have told her right from the start so that she wouldn't be surprised, so she wouldn't have any reason to stop this." And she can't now or maybe she can, Joel isn't entirely sure. She's pregnant, certainly, but it's not impossible to change that. He thinks there are parts of the contract that make it so she can't do anything like that, that if she changes her mind about them there has to be mediation involved. Besides all that, Joel is certain she wouldn't do anything like that. He's sure that Erin isn't going to blame him for this or think there's something wrong with him because of what he can do.

But that fear won't leave. He finally has so many things he'd never even realized he wanted this badly and he's terrified that his stupid mistake from all those years ago really will take it all away.

"What if... I don't know, Spencer, what if she thinks there's something wrong with me?" he asks. "Not everyone in this town appreciates that there are witches and sirens wandering around everywhere." He's kept away from most of it just because he's been quiet and secretive, but now the possibility that someone very important might hate him just seems all too possible.

[doublethepain]

"We don't have to tell her," he muses, though as far as Spencer sees it, they really don't have an option. "We could tell her that someone broke in, that they beat you when you caught them and when I walked in on it, they couldn't very well let me go." They could say a lot of things, come up with any number of lies to tell Erin and convince Coop, Les, and Nerium to keep quiet about the whole thing. The latter part of that scenario doesn't seem like it would be much of a problem because Coop has always been a good friend to them, Nerium doesn't seem particularly interested in being involved with gossip, and Les wouldn't have much to gain by telling people what had happened. Still, it's a suggestion that doesn't hold much weight because Spencer doesn't think it would be right to keep something so important from someone who's done nothing but try to give them their future from the moment they'd met her.

He shifts so he's lying more on his side, the side that doesn't hurt as much, and though that requires moving his injured shoulder, it's worth the trouble to reach out and tilt Joel's chin so that his husband is looking at him. "Or we could trust her. I know that you're right, I know that there are quite a few people less accepting in this town than others, believe me, I'm so very well aware. But I don't think Erin's one of them. She was the right choice, we both knew that from that first meeting. We looked at each other and it was just... It was like everything fell into place in that moment. Things wouldn't have clicked so quickly if there was a chance that this could go wrong, I have to believe that. She's the one carrying our baby for a reason, Joel, and it's not a one-way street. She wouldn't have agreed to be our surrogate if she didn't see at least a fraction of what I do."

It's easier for Spencer to say than it could possibly be for Joel to accept, Spencer realizes this; but that doesn't mean he's not going to say any of this because Joel deserves to hear it. All that guilt, all the pain that Joel shoulders, Spencer wishes he could take it all away. He can't, which is exceptionally difficult for him to have to admit, but he can at least try to make it a little bit better every day. He'll say whatever he has to in order to encourage Joel to let more of that guilt fade away. Spencer will say all the things he's already said tonight over and over again because it's the truth, his husband is such a good man, the best Spencer has ever had the privilege of knowing, and he'd stop at nothing to make sure Joel hears it, remembers it, believes it.

"You're not just a good husband," he says softly, trailing his fingers along Joel's jawline and down the length of his neck, "and you're not just going to be a good father. Anyone you call a friend has to know how lucky they are, how valuable you are to have in their lives. Think about how long it took that demon to be able to rise to the surface. Over a decade, and you know what, don't you? Because you were fighting it all this time without ever even realizing it, you kept it at bay because you've always been a good man. It would have preyed so easily on someone with less heart than you and god, Joel, you always tell me how strong I am but look at you. All that you've been through could have turned you into a different kind of person but it didn't, you're you, and I love you. You were just a teenager when Amy died, and I know it's hard, but what happened was an accident and you have to start forgiving yourself for that. You'd never hurt me intentionally, and I know the same was true then. Erin will be able to see that, too, because she's seen the kind of man you are. She'll understand, I know she will."

She has to, Spencer can't even imagine that anything else could happen because they deserve this. They deserve their baby and their happy marriage and their good life because they've both suffered so much, they've both seen such awful things, and it's time now for a change. Spencer can't deny that the thought of having to sit Erin down to explain to her what had happened with the demon makes his stomach feel like it's doing somersaults but truth be told, that has more to do with Joel being uncomfortable than Erin's reaction. Maybe that's because a part of him suspects she already knows about Joel's identity as a witch. He doesn't know how farspread the rumors about Joel had spread after what had happened at Coop's birthday party but when they live in a town this small, it's more likely that she might have heard about it than not.

"She asked me about Mark Fuller once," Spencer says, lowering his eyes. "Not directly, of course, but-- but she'd read about it in the paper, and she asked me the house had any sort of protection against anything that might happen like that again. She asked like she knew, like it wouldn't be unusual to forego a security system in favor of a protection charm." He gives a half shrug then presses a kiss to Joel's shoulder. "Maybe it won't be as difficult to talk to her about it as it seems."

[just_another]

Nodding, Joel listens to what Spencer is telling him, to the amazing things he's saying and it doesn't surprise him anymore that his husband always has such incredible words for him. In truth, until Spencer, Joel had never given much thought to the kind of person he was, to the kind of person he wanted to be. He ran the store, he was good to his cat, he kept everyone at a distance, but he was friendly enough to those he would have considered close. If he thinks about it, he's sure Lara would echo Spencer's sentiments, that she would tell him he's a good man, and he knows Cosette would say the same, but he's always just assumed they were unfairly biased in his favour. Somehow something had happened to make them think of him as good and kind when he didn't really deserve it. Before Spencer he had just existed, giving little thought to who he really was.

Now, though, he hears it almost daily. Spencer compliments him or tell him he loves him or say something sweet and Joel is suddenly aware that there are things about him that people like. It's never that he's thought of himself as being particularly insecure, but he'd been so distant for so long that he hadn't thought of himself as much of anything besides a witch, a brother, a son and a bookstore owner. It's different with Spencer. Everything is different with Spencer.

And maybe Spencer is right. Maybe he really has been fighting this demon for more than ten years without even realizing. He's not sure what that says about him, but he's sure it means one thing at least. He's not a pushover. If nothing else, he will defend himself and his family at any cost and that's an important trait for a husband and father to have.

"I... I think you're right," he says slowly. "I think it's likely she already knows. She said her husband grew up here, so he would probably know and... well, we've been in the papers a fair bit in the past six months. The story of what happened at Coop's party got around, I know it did." He's been asked by more than one stranger just what happened and one young teenager had even shyly asked if she could hire him to take care of her bullies for her. Joel knows people know, but he doesn't know if Erin knows. Even if the chances are high that she does, that she doesn't care, he's still so nervous.

"But I don't want to lie to her," he admits, looking over at Spencer again, reminding himself just how lucky he is to have this man beside him. To have this incredible person to see him through the worst and hardest times of his life. Together they'll find something better, they'll build a family and they'll be happy, and he knows he believes that just because it can't be any other way with Spencer. It isn't possible. Spencer is far too good to him.

"I don't want to lie to her," he says again. "That doesn't feel right. We'll... she'll want to come see me, won't she? While I'm here." He doesn't know what might end up in the papers, but he's sure the commotion and their injuries will be reported. She will find out that something has happened whether they tell her or not and Joel would much rather she hear it from them than read about it in the paper.

[doublethepain]

His soft smile fades into something resembling a frown as he considers what kind of attention all of this might attract. It's not something he'd put much thought into yet, he just hasn't had the time and his mind hasn't been as working as quickly as usual, partly from how hard he'd hit his ahead against the wall and partly because his primary concern has been with Joel's well-being. Spencer's no stranger to being in the news, to making headlines for the sorts of things nobody wants their names known for, and even though it had been much easier to handle knowing that they'd been in the papers for what had happened with Mark than for being accused of murdering his family, that doesn't ever make it any more pleasant.

He doesn't know what had been written about the lighthouse incident, had opted not to read any of the articles printed because he'd read every single one after his mother and brother had been killed and realized that no good could possibly come of it. Besides that, the local paper isn't exactly known for being unbiased, nor is any other Siren Cove publication--case in point, that odd gossip magazine that had come up with the most outlandish lies--though it's amazing how quickly he'd gone from being looked at with disgust to being looked at with pity after he'd finally left his house for the first time with his bruises and stitches and cast. It hadn't lasted long, there are absolutely still people who think he's responsible for killing his own family. "You know that like, 50% of murders are committed by someone who knew the victim, right?" is something Spencer had overheard once in the grocery store, and he'd had to struggle to bite back that the statistic is actually 54.3%, with the rate of people killed by family members is 24.8%, which the woman initially asking the question would know if she'd just down the slightest bit of fact-checking.

Spencer wonders what their neighbors might have thought about what they'd heard coming from the house, if they'd heard anything at all or had even been home yet. He's still not sure who'd dialed for the ambulances because he certainly hadn't been in the best state of mind to do it himself. He wants to say it had been Coop, but he also thinks it's quite possible that Nerium or Les could have done it, too. That defeats the point of having a guess in the first place, he supposes, but it doesn't really matter in the end because Joel's being looked after now. That's all Spencer cares about.

"She'll appreciate not having to read about it first," Spencer assures him, and it's something he can say with confidence because he thinks about doing that himself, about reading something that has to do with Joel being hurt in the paper without already knowing, and it makes him feel a bit sick to his stomach. "And I can be here or not be here when she comes to visit, whatever is going to make it easier for you, I'll do it." He'll be here if that's what Joel wants, whatever Joel wants, because his husband has been there for him practically the entire time they've known each other. Spencer had faced a demon for this man today, and it's not as if that's something he'll hang over Joel's head but the fact of the matter is, he only ever feels as safe as he does today, as happy and at peace as he does today, because Joel is with him to make Spencer feel that way.

"We're going to be okay," he continues, and its a bold promise to make but one Spencer fully intends on keeping. "Erin will understand, I know it, and she'll be able to see how hard we fought to keep you here." He hasn't done a very good job of protecting Joel from this, not really, but he knows better for the future now. He knows, as he always has, that this relationship is more important to him than anything, that it can quite literally save their lives, and he swallows hard so he can choke back a sob as he starts to tremble with the renewed realization of how close they'd come to losing each other today. Spencer lets out a deep exhale, wrapping his arm just slightly tighter around his husband and resting his chin on Joel's head. He'll never let go of this, there's nothing that could possibly make him.

[just_another]

Joel already knows his answer, he already knows he'll want Spencer to be here with him when he sees Erin for the first time because he knows he'll need the support. It's more than just that, though, he knows he'll need Spencer to fill in the blanks of his story. There are things Joel can't remember, big dark spaces in his memory and he doesn't know if he'll remember them eventually, if they're gone forever or if he's just trying to protect himself right now. Either way, if he were to try to explain what had happened tonight, he wouldn't be able to do so coherently. There would be big gaps in the story, places where he would stumble and he doesn't want to tell Erin like that. He wants to know exactly what happened and be as honest as possible. For that, he'll need Spencer.

He's about to say as much, about to tell Spencer he'll always need him when he starts to tremble and Joel pulls back a little to look at him better. Then he presses closer again, burying himself against Spencer's chest and while he's usually the one with his arms around Spencer, his husband's head on his chest, the position they're in now is both comfortable and comforting. He doesn't want Spencer to have to go home tonight, he thinks they both need to be together, they both need to know the other is safe.

"We're okay now," he murmurs and he hopes he isn't hurting Spencer like this, but he can't stand the thought of not being close to him right now. Neither of them can possibly be very comfortable in this hospital bed, but Joel thinks he'd fall asleep like this quite happily if it meant Spencer would still be here with him, his arm still wrapped tight around him. If he can't go home tonight, if he can't sleep in his own bed, then this is the next best thing and he isn't about to let any of the doctors or nurses tell him they can't stay together.

"Spencer, we're okay now," he says again. "I promise." They're both making big promises, ones he knows they can't really keep if it comes down to it. They can't promise nothing will happen, that they'll both remain in good health, they can't promise nothing will touch them, but they're both willing to promise it anyway and Joel thinks that says something about just how far they'll go for each other. For this family they're about to start. It gives him more hope than he knows how to say. He feels safe here with Spencer because he knows his husband will do anything to keep the two of them together.

"How big a fight do you think we'll have on our hands when the nurse tries to make you leave?" he asks with a soft breath of a laugh against Spencer's throat. "I know neither of us are in very good shape right now, but I think we can take them, don't you?" He's making a joke out of it, but he truly doesn't want Spencer to leave. He doesn't want to have to spend the night alone.

[doublethepain]

There's a constant, dull throb of pain in his shoulder and back that comes from lying like this, but Spencer has no intention of moving unless Joel asks him to do just that. His injuries are nothing compared to Joel's, worth every second if it means he can just be touching Joel and holding his husband like this because he has to, he wouldn't know how to explain but he has to be touching Joel right now. It's precisely this sort of comforting physical contact between them that's always been able to keep Spencer calm, anchored to reality when his mind so desperately tries to take him somewhere else. Joel's touch has always had that effect on him, it's the reason he's only able to sleep soundly when he has his husband next to him in bed. Joel helps keep most of his nightmares at bay because when he's in Joel's arms, Spencer feels like nothing can hurt him because together, they're invincible. One need not look beyond today's events to be able to see the truth in that.

He gives a slight nod when Joel says they're okay now, gives a weak smile when Joel looks up at him before returning his head to Spencer's chest, and he knows that the demon is gone and the worst of their troubles are over, but a part of him fears for the recovery. He knows that they'll be able to get through it as long as they remember to support each other, as long as they remember how much they love each other, but he can't imagine that it will be easy. The demon had come so close to tearing Joel apart, both mentally and physically, and Spencer wishes he could take all that pain away but he can't and that hurts him more than any physical blow ever could. He doesn't know that things could have gone a different way if they'd made an attempt to expel the demon earlier, if they could have stopped the demon from testing the limits of Joel's body, if they could have stopped it from hurting anyone else; but he supposes that they should also be grateful that it hadn't been worse.

Raleigh could have been there, or Charlotte. Even Huxley might have gotten caught in the crossfire, been hurt by the glass of the liquor cabinet, and Spencer is so relieved that he'd decided to bring their puppy in to work with him that morning. Charlotte had kidnapped him to the apartment, had been with him when Spencer had left, and he can't help but let his mind wander to their baby. Nothing is going to touch their child, that's not even a decision he has to make, it's simply a given. He'd lost his family once, it's not something he's willing to do again, and he stiffens a bit at the mere thought of any force, great or small, that might try to do any damage to his husband or their child. Spencer won't allow it, would rather die than see the two people he loves most in this world--because his heart has already expanded to include their unborn baby, their Dane or Rose--hurt in any way.

It's not something he needs to say out loud, he thinks Joel must already know and besides that, this isn't the time or place for that conversation. Joel's alive, Spencer can feel his arm rising and falling with Joel's chest, and right now, that's all that really matters. As long as Joel is okay, Spencer can be okay so it's like this husband had said, they're okay now. Now and far into the future, he thinks, they have to be okay because there's no room in their story for anything less than a happy ending. They've both suffered for so long, quietly and alone, but they'd found each other under the strangest of circumstances. They beat odds together, so many parts of their relationship that make them feel whole can be summed of that way, and Spencer never wants that to stop.

"Well," he says after a moment's pause, clearing his throat as he nuzzles his cheek against Joel's hair, "Bruce is rather burly, but he has a weakness for sweets. We could bribe him into letting me stay. Nora, she's nice but much more strict about the rules, she may take some convincing but that shouldn't be too hard if I just tell her that being away from you would make it impossible for me to ever get to sleep." It's not a lie, even though Spencer says it with a light tone and a faint smile. There's no chance that he's leaving this room tonight or tomorrow night or for however many nights the doctor decides Joel needs to be here. Being forcibly separated from his husband would make him sick with worry, he already knows what poisonous thoughts might invade his mind if he has to leave, but more than that, Spencer needs to be here. He needs to open his eyes in the morning and see that his husband is still here, still okay, still Joel.

"I'm not going anywhere," he says firmly. "I'll make a scene if I have to, but I'm not leaving you here alone, I'll never do that to you." He's not just talking about right now, about the next few days; he's talking about the rest of their lives and the forever they'd promised each other, the one he'd reminded Joel of when his husband had been battling that demon. "When you wake up tomorrow, I'm going to be right here."

[just_another]

Joel hadn't realized just how badly he'd needed to hear that until the words are actually being said and he feels tears pricking his eyes. He blinks a few times, glad Spencer can't see him like this and he knows it doesn't matter, Spencer is never going to judge him for anything, least of all his tears, but he doesn't want to worry him, not right now. They're both exhausted physically and mentally and what they need right now is rest. Spencer doesn't need to spend the night reassuring him and truthfully, Joel doesn't think he needs to be reassured. There's no doubt in his mind that Spencer will be here for him every step of the way, including tonight, when he knows closing his eyes is likely to bring nightmares or flashbacks, memories of all the awful things that had happened today. He isn't thinking about it now, but he knows he will. And he knows it will be awful.

And he knows Spencer will be here for him, he knows he isn't going to leave, but at the same time actually hearing him say it out loud comes as a welcome comfort and Joel lets the warmth of the words fold around him, he lets them reassure and relax him. When he wakes up tomorrow, Spencer will be with him and he'll have an easier time tonight knowing that. They won't both be able to sleep in this bed, not with the injuries they've both sustained, but he's hoping he can convince one of the nurses to bring a cot and maybe he'll even be able to get them to lower his rail and push the cot up against the hospital bed. It's not the same as being at home with Raleigh in her room and Huxley repeatedly jumping on Joel's feet whenever he moves in the night, but it's significantly better than the alternative, which is having to sleep in here alone.

He's about to say as much when the door opens and Nora comes in with a sling in her hand, looking at Spencer disapprovingly. It's such an absurd expression given everything else that's happened to them tonight that Joel can't help but laugh a little, shifting around in the bed because he knows Spencer is about to be forced to get up so she can put the sling on for him and Joel feels a little guilty that they've been lying like this, Spencer's shoulder probably aching. It's rare that he lets himself take so much comfort from his husband without worrying about the state of his well being and he looks over at him, offering a small smile and a shrug.

"Do what she wants, maybe we'll have an easier time convincing her to let you stay," he murmurs.

"I know you're not planning on going anywhere tonight and I also know you promised the doctor you would take the sling when you leave, which is a pretty sneaky way of getting out of having to put it on," Nora says, brandishing the sling at Spencer like it's a weapon. "Sit up right now, we're getting this on and then we talk about possible sleeping arrangements."

It seems that she knows it's already a lost cause, that there's no way she can win against the two of them, but Joel thinks Spencer putting his sling on is a fair trade. Especially since, had he known he was supposed to be wearing one, Joel woul have insisted himself that he go get it a long time ago.

"And you shouldn't be lying like that," she tells Joel, shooting him a glance. "You have a broken rib, you're just going to make matters worse by twisting your torso like that. Lie straight or I'll have Bruce come in here and make sure everything is still aligned."

Joel manages another little smile, but he shifts himself on the bed again, moving his hips until he's lying in a straight line. "Better?" he asks and she shoots him another glare as she moves to help Spencer into the sling.

[doublethepain]

Spencer shoots a look to Joel the second Nora holds out the sling, as if he expects his husband to defend him in some way that involves not having to wear the sling at all, but squints when all Joel offers is certain betrayal. He slowly pushes himself from the bed, huffing out a humorless laugh in lieu of a painful groan as he lets his legs dangle over the edge. He has to pause for a moment, eyes squeezing shut when the pain in his shoulder flares with a flash of heat he should have expected from all the movement, but he hadn't been prepared. He bites down on his lip hard, glad for the fact that Joel can't see his face right now; but Nora can see him, and Spencer offers her a small, grateful smile when he opens his eyes again to see the sympathetic expression on her face. She doesn't say anything, doesn't give him up, and for that, Spencer reaches out for the sling without protest.

Nora bats his hand away, coming closer to help slip it on for him, and she observes the way Joel's straightened himself out with an arched eyebrow and a hum of vague approval. "Better than how you were, anyway. Honestly, between the two of you, I don't know how we've had time for any of our other patients." She turns her attention back to Spencer, furrowing her brow as she finishes settling the sling into place as puts her hands on her hips. "What is this for the both of you, visit three? Four?"

Spencer shrugs his good shoulder, glancing back at Joel with a soft smile. It's true that they've been through more together in the past six months than he's been through alone in two and a half years, but Spencer wouldn't change any of it. He wishes he could go back far enough to find Joel in Shediac, to keep him from summoning that demon and having to carry it with him for so long, but aside from the fact that it simply isn't possible, Spencer knows that even if he could, it would change so much about where they are now. A small part of him wonders what might have happened if Amy hadn't died, if Joel might be happily married and expecting a child with her instead; and it's not that he's jealous of what could never be, he doesn't know how he could possibly be jealous of a girl who'd so tragically lost her life, but there are so many paths that either of them could have taken that might have led anywhere but here.

He wants to be able to take all of Joel's pain away, would rather carry it all himself, even if Joel wouldn't allow it. His husband already knows that, knows that Spencer would do absolutely anything for him, no matter how big or small, but it's in times like these that he thinks life could be so much easier if he, too, were a witch. He could have already brewed up a healing potion, might have been able to heal them both with a touch, might have been able to get rid of that demon much more quickly but in reality, it's all he can do not to wince from the bruising of his back and the pain in his shoulder every time he makes too sudden a movement. Joel loves him for who he is, has never asked Spencer to change, and that's one of the many reasons Spencer loves him so much. He's never felt like he has to put on an act or be anyone else for his husband, Joel always puts him perfectly at ease when it comes to being himself. It's just that sometimes, like when he's watching Joel in pain, Spencer thinks that being himself just isn't enough.

He's sure that Joel would reprimand him for thinking that way but he can't help it. He's a husband, he's going to be a father, it's his job to protect his family. He has to think that way because he'd lost one once already. It's good, in a way, because it drives him to be a better man for Joel every day, makes him want to be stronger so that he doesn't have to see his husband in a hospital bed again. As long as he's doing that, as long as he knows he's still trying, Spencer thinks he'll be okay. They'll be okay.

"I'll do my best to keep him out of trouble after he gets released," Spencer says, letting his smile grow wider at Joel before he turns back to Nora. "He'll be on lockdown. No bungee jumping, no skydiving, none of that. He's much stronger than me, though, so I don't know how effective I'll be."

Nora rolls her eyes, though she looks moderately amused. "Promises, promises, I'll believe it when I don't see either of you for anything more than a checkup in the next couple years." Her expression softens into something fonder, and Spencer hasn't known her very long but she's been here for nearly every time he's been admitted to the hospital and there's something about her that puts him slightly more at ease in this place he hates so much. She's kind and patient, but she cares. It shows in the way she lightly pats Joel's knee and the way she gently squeezes Spencer's arm. If Joel's going to be in the hospital for a few days, Spencer thinks, they're lucky to have her.

"You mentioned something about sleeping arrangements, I believe," Spencer says, chuckling at the mock irritation he can see written all over Nora's face. "Usually, I prefer a king-sized bed and sheets with a very high thread count, but I suppose that I can make an exception for whatever you can get me. Uncomfortable cafeteria chair included, I'd make it work. I don't care what I sleep on, I'm just not going to leave Joel."

[just_another]

"I promise to give up any and all extreme sports I may or may not have played," Joel agrees with a nod and a small smile and he knows he isn't very good at making jokes, his sister has accused him of not having a very good sense of humour more than once, but it's as close as he'll get and he's fairly certain he sees a small smile curving Nora's lips as she turns away from the two of them. She makes a show of checking Joel's chart and all his vitals while Spencer talks about their sleeping arrangements and then she turns to them with an arched brow, her lips pursed faintly. Joel knows they've been in here far too often lately and he finds himself agreeing with her. He'll do everything in his power to make sure that he and Spencer have no reason to come back to the hospital, at least not until their baby is born. He wonders if Nora will be around for that, if they'll have a choice in what nurses they'd like to be helping, and he thinks he'd like to ask about that later.

But then she's tucking his blanket in around him, taking special care around his torso, he notices, and he smiles, because even though she's giving them a hard time -- something he thinks they're returning quite well -- she clearly cares and is very good at her job. Although she's demanded they straighten up and treat themselves like they're recovering, it's obvious she's doing it out of concern and Joel makes a promise to himself to make her job as easy as he possibly can. He'll try not to do anything too stupid, like walk around on his own, no matter how bored he gets, and he'll buzz for her when he needs something he can't do by himself. And if she can't come right away, because he knows how busy she must be, he promises himself he'll wait patiently.

"Well, you're out of luck on that king-sized bed," she tells Spencer. "But I can probably get you a very nice cot with maybe a hundred and twenty thread count sheets. The highest quality this hospital has to offer."

Joel shifts around in his bed without trying to draw attention to himself and decides she's still just giving them a hard time. While the bed isn't nearly as comfortable as the one he shares with Spencer at home, the sheets are soft enough and the blanket is warm. He's not uncomfortable, the sheets are scratchy or stiff, and the pillow behind his back is actually pretty close to perfect. Whatever she brings them, he thinks they'll both sleep just fine, if only because they'll still be able to be close together. He'll be able to reach out and touch Spencer in the night, he won't have to wake up and remember that he's alone, and that's all he really needs.

"As long as Spencer is here, I could sleep on the floor for all I care," he says and he does it without thinking, then flushes deeply. Although he's long since lost his tendency to stutter and stammer when talking to Spencer about his feelings, it's not something he often does around other people and it's almost as if he'd forgotten himself for a moment.

"Well, that's very sweet, but I think we'll let you keep the bed," Nora answers, rolling her eyes even though she's smiling. Joel is still embarrassed, his cheeks warm and red, but he looks over at Spencer and shrugs as Nora leaves the room, telling them she'll be back shortly with a cot and a pillow and some sheets.

"I forgot she was here," he says, laughing at himself. "I usually... I don't say stuff like that in front of other people." It's not really an apology, just an explanation, and he hopes Spencer doesn't think he's really embarrassed. He's not, he has no problem with people knowing just how much he loves his husband, but for so long it had been hard to talk about his feelings even in front of Spencer. It just takes some getting used to.

[doublethepain]

Spencer smiles at that, tilting his head as he refocuses all his attention on his husband now that Nora's left the room. "I say things like that all the time," he says softly, and it's not to make Joel feel guilty, Spencer understands. He understands because even before his mother and brother had died, he'd already been withdrawn. He'd already kept to himself, more than willing to discuss books if patrons in the library ever asked but managing to come up with some sort of excuse to walk away or change the subject if the conversation ever veered toward anything more personal. Amber had asked him to dinner, a movie, even just a coffee on her break at the cafe numerous times before she'd eventually realized that Spencer would never do more than politely decline. He's never been the sort of person who shares, who's willing to discuss his feelings because most of the times, he'd never felt particularly good.

Things are different now. Spencer's different without really changing very much at all, and he knows that it's due to Joel. "Well, not all the time," Spencer continues, his own cheeks starting to redden, "but when I do talk to people about you, it's like I can't stop. I can't turn the switch off, all I can talk about is how much I love you because it becomes all I can think about in that moment." He let about a sheepish laugh, shaking his head just slightly before letting it drop so he's looking at the space between his hand and Joel's. He stares for a long moment at the IV needle before closing the gap, sliding his hand closer so their fingers brush, and he feels quite suddenly like his throat might close up.

"I--" His voice cracks, and Spencer clamps his mouth shut, blinking away tears that he can't place the source of before looking back up at his husband. "I didn't have a reason before you, I didn't have anything to talk to anyone about. My family, it's always just been simpler to pretend that it's not on my mind. People become so easily uncomfortable, I think being around me was a trial for a long time because they were afraid I'd bring them up, that I'd bring up the fact that they probably looked at me for at least half a moment and wondered if I really did..." He trails off, letting his thumb rub over Joel's knuckles. "I can talk about you now instead. I still don't talk to that many people in the first place, I have you. Even when you're not there."

He shares Joel's sentiment, that he'd sleep on the floor as long as it meant he'd get to be near his husband, and it's because he wouldn't really feel at home even if he made the choice to sleep in their own bed. Home is where Joel is, his heart is where Joel is, and as much as Spencer hates being at the hospital, he'd hate being separated from his husband more.

"I like Nora," he says suddenly, and he's not sure where the words had come from but that doesn't make them any less true. She's firm, but Spencer can see how much she cares in her actions, in the way she seems not to just accept but understand that Spencer can't leave Joel here alone. It's just as much for himself as it is for his husband, perhaps, but Nora doesn't seem to care to differentiate. "It's still a surprise to me when people are kind. Do you think that's awful of me to say? I've spent so much time believing that people must think the worst of me, it isn't until I met you that I realized maybe that isn't true. Not of everyone, at least."

There are far more Eli Jaspers in this town than Spencer wants to think about, it's just that Eli had been the most vocal, just like he'd been in high school. Joel had taken care of that problem, but Spencer admittedly wonders once in awhile when the next Eli will come along because in spite of how many incredible things have happened to him over the course of the last few months, optimism still isn't his forte. Their baby, though, he can be optimistic about that. With Joel's demon gone and both of them on the mend, the thought of their baby helps him to believe that nothing that bad could possibly happen again, nothing could overshadow the beauty of the family they're building. He has two reasons to let himself accept that he deserves a good life now, two reasons to dedicate himself to giving all of himself to the two people who deserve all the love in the world--even though one hasn't quite joined them yet.

"You know, this time next year, we'll be that couple who can't stop talking about their child," he teases. That doesn't sound so bad, he thinks. They could be worse things.

[just_another]

"I like her, too," Joel answers, glancing briefly in the direction she's gone before he returns his attention to Spencer. There's something about the no-nonsense and matter of fact way she speaks to the both of them that he appreciates, but at the same time that she's giving them a hard time, Joel can feel the affection under her words and he knows she wants them to do well. She doesn't want to see them here anymore because she wants them to be safe and Joel knows it's at least partly due to her job that she feels this way, but there's a sincerity that resonates from her, like something he can feel. Almost something he can see.

"Oh, my god," he murmurs after a moment, watching Nora's progression down the hall. He can see it. He can see it without even trying. She's just there, the energy that makes her up, it trails after her in little sparks and lights, and Joel isn't even making the effort to look for it. Looking over at Spencer shows the same thing. It's faint, barely there at all, but Joel can see it. The yellow light that encircles Spencer, the darker light around his injured shoulder.

And the energy that links them. Joel looks down and he can see it just like he can see everything else. It's faint, but it's there and he surprises himself with a delighted laugh that causes a burst of pain through his torso. It's the strongest these things have ever been without him trying to see them and he's beginning to realize more and more just how much things are going to change from here on.

"Spencer, I can see it all," he murmurs, reaching his hand out toward his husband. "Energies, all of that stuff I could see before, but had to try to find. It's all just right here now. It's faint, but it's here." Even the machines have some kind of energy hovering around them and Joel blinks, staring at them, trying to take them in. They're beautiful in their own way, but they're not beautiful like Spencer.

"Sorry, I got distracted," he says with a huff of laughter. "I just... I've always had to work at it. I've had to let myself stop looking and lose focus and even then things were often blurry and hard to see, but everything is so clear now."

[doublethepain]

For a moment, Spencer thinks he should be panicking. There's a distinct sense of alarm that rises within him when he catches Joel watching Nora walk away and it's without much rationality that he thinks maybe the demon hasn't really been banished at all. He's still a bit jumpy, he realizes, and while he thinks it's probably excusable given the day they've had, Spencer feels a bit foolish when he catches the light in Joel's eyes. His husband looks pleased, relieved, happy, and Spencer isn't sure what's going on but he takes Joel's outstretched hand all the same because there's never a time that he'd deny him. It's when Joel starts talking about the energies that everything clicks into place, and Spencer's shoulders drop--painfully, he might add--as they release the tension they've been holding because it's good news. It's more good news for a wretched day, and Spencer hadn't believed for a second that Joel could possibly lose all his powers just because he'd lost the demon, but he's selfishly glad that this one in particular is one of the powers that have stayed.

He could never forget it, sitting on the second level of the library with his legs dangling off the edge as he'd asked Joel to read his aura. He wouldn't have asked if he hadn't been drinking, would never have invited anyone to look into him that way, so deeply and personally, but at the same time, Spencer thinks that maybe he would have because it had been Joel. Spencer had been comfortable with him even then without really knowing why and letting Joel look at him in a way nobody else ever had before had only made Spencer grow fonder of him. There's also that column of energy between them, the one that proves the connection between them even though Spencer doesn't need proof to know how real this is, how important; but the idea of Joel losing the ability to see that doesn't sit well with him. The idea of Joel losing any of his powers--save for the one that had caused his eyes to go black--makes him think of how despondent his husband had been about it on the island. Like having a piece of him missing, like having something torn out of him, that's about how Joel had described it, and Spencer couldn't bear seeing Joel suffer like that again.

"So the good bits have stayed with you," he says, tone light and a bit playful because he doesn't want to imply that he'd seen any of his other powers as bad. Every time Joel had gone to that darker place, he'd done it for Spencer, to protect him and defend him; but having that power used against him, being subjected to that simple flick of the wrist that had sent him flying into the walls of their own home has made him just the slightest bit biased. That hadn't been Joel, though, and Spencer holds no resentment against his husband for it because they're here now. Joel had fought for his family, they'd won, and they're here. Everything else that's good is just a bonus as far as Spencer is concerned.

"Maybe the premonitions will be clearer then," he suggests. Joel hasn't had one in months but Spencer knows how important it will be to his husband if he can make good use of them. "And your potions, your protection charms, all of it--maybe they'll only get stronger." He pauses, eyes flickering down to their entwined hands, and he feels a flash of uselessness that he quickly pushes aside because it has no place in this moment. Joel has never given him any reason to feel that way and after all, they'd only just vanquished a demon together. He hadn't been useless then. "Maybe you could teach me again. How to make more potions, I mean, or cast a spell like that ball of light. I don't know if I'll be any good at the rest but the first one we did together turned out rather well." It had turned out well in more ways than one, really, but neither of them ever need any actual reminding of that incredible day.

He leans down to brush his lips against Joel's hand, careful of the IV needle and of his own injured shoulder as he straightens himself back out. "We can talk about that later. Can you tell me more about what you see? What it's like?" He ducks his head, cheeks reddening even as he smiles. "Do I like any different than the first time you saw me?"

[just_another]

"Maybe it'll be easier for me to share it," Joel says with a nod, excited by the prospect. Spencer had shown an easy propensity for brewing that potion and at the time Joel had been sure he wouldn't have a problem with anything he tried to do, but then they had gotten a bit distracted, something he hadn't minded in the least. Since then they've been busy between moving and getting married, the store, Raleigh's bakery and Erin. And the demon. But they're settled now and the store is doing well. Raleigh's bakery is open and Erin is pregnant. The demon is gone. Joel smiles at the thought of getting back to teaching Spencer more magic and he'll never be able to lay his hands on people and heal them like Coop can, he may not ever be able to do protective spells that call for an actual physical barrier, but there will be plenty he can do. And Joel wants to teach him.

"You," he says, then looks at Spencer again. This time he lets himself do that same thing he's always had to do in order to see the auras. He lets himself drift a little, lets his vision slide, and he's almost blinded by the brilliance of the light Spencer lets off. Squinting and laughing at the same time even though it hurts to do so, Joel looks down, and he still sees it, that connection between them, the column he knows will never disappear, will never break. It's bright now, brighter than either of them, red and yellow intertwined, the two of them coming together and making something new. Not for the first time, he wishes he could show it to Spencer.

"You look... brighter," he says, letting it go again. This is something he'll have to adjust to and he smiles. "I can see how badly your shoulder is hurt, by the way, she's right about the sling." And he can see Spencer's head, too, the darker area where he'd been hit once again, but it doesn't seem too bad and Joel finds relief in that.

"But the colour is the same, it's just... there's more of mine in there, too," he says, knowing it doesn't explain it quite right. "There are parts of you that have changed. Become brighter, happier." If he were to look down at himself, he knows he'd see the same thing, places where Spencer had fixed the sad, broken pieces of his aura.

"I'm going to have to learn how to control it all over again," he says in wonder. "Before I had to work for it, so I was never worried about doing it by accident and now... now I'll be reading everyone without even trying." Which he doesn't like. It feels intrusive, it always has, and he'll do his best to avoid it, but it's going to take time.

[doublethepain]

"My shoulder's fine," Spencer protests, shifting uncomfortably on the bed before giving Joel a pointed look. "I'm sure I don't have to remind you that you're the one in the hospital bed."

He can't keep the pleased smile off his face, though, at hearing that there's parts of Joel that have become just as much a part of him. It doesn't surprise him at all, only confirms what they both already know, that they're permanent fixtures in each other's lives. Joel isn't going anywhere, Spencer can't let his certainty of that slip away just because they've faced something terrible. They've already faced far more terrible things than anyone should ever have to in a lifetime, and they're still here. Still standing--or in their cases, at lest in this moment, lying down and sitting.

If anyone has ever doubted their strength as a couple, surely they need not look further than what had happened today to be proven wrong. Joel has called him strong before, even Davin had, but Spencer has never felt that on his own. It's with Joel that he feels his best, that he finds the most courage in himself to do what it takes to protect the person he loves most. Their baby will give him that courage, too, both of them, Spencer can already feel the protectiveness over their child growing within him. He'll be that parent who fusses with his children's clothes, straightening collars and adjusting jackets until he can't justify how long it's taking before he even lets them leave the house. He'll be the father who frets terribly over the slightest hint of a fever, a minor cough or sniffle, insisting that he and Joel take their child to the doctor immediately even though he'd never do the same thing for himself.

He wonders if the color of their child's aura will become a part of them, too, and he wants nothing more than to crawl back to Joel's side right now and hold him close again but between the sling and knowing that Joel needs to be lying straight, he knows it's out of the question. When Nora sends the cot in, he'll push it as close to Joel's bed as he can, the closer the better because when one or both of them inevitably wake from something horrifying they've seen in a nightmare tonight, Spencer wants to make sure they're within reach of each other; and when they drift back to sleep, Spencer hopes their minds will fill instead of images of their future, their real future with a beautiful baby and a beautiful life rather than the future that could have been had things gone differently today.

"You'll be fine," Spencer tells him, voice sincere because he does mean it, believes it with all his heart. He believes Joel will be able to control it, to use that power to the best of his ability because his husband is capable of nothing less, especially without a demon present to hold him back. "Just don't forget me when people are singing your praises for being that much more incredible." He's teasing, rolling his eyes at himself just slightly before leaning in to nudge his nose against Joel's and pressing a kiss to his lips. "And if you're going to teach me more magic, I suppose it gives me a reason to call you Professor again. I quite like how this is turning out."

[just_another]

Joel gifts a soft snort of laughter at the idea of anyone singing his praises who isn't Spencer or related to him in some way. He has friends, certainly, but he doesn't think there is a single person in town who thinks as highly of him as Spencer does and he's perfectly fine with that. Spencer is truly the only one he needs to appreciate him in any way, he's the only one Joel has ever really concerned himself with. "I don't think you have to worry about me ever forgetting about you," he answers and he lifts his good hand when Spencer leans in for a kiss, cupping the side of his neck. Nora is certain to come back soon with the cot for Spencer, but Joel also doesn't want to let him go just yet. It's just one more reminder that they're here, that they made it through, and he knows the reason he's alive to kiss Spencer, to feel the warmth of his skin under his hand and hear his voice is because Spencer knows him and loves him so well. He's the only person who could have brought Joel back and he did.

His smile grows further when Spencer mentions calling him Professor again and Joel knows he's in absolutely no shape to be having the kinds of thoughts that have suddenly entered his mind, but there's still an edge of almost hysterical jubilation at finally being free of this thing that's been holding into him for so long. He'd never really been aware of it, had never really understood that it was there, but now, tonight, knowing it's gone, he can feel the difference. There's a sense of being alone, which he knows he'll have to get used to, but there's a freedom, too. For the first time he isn't sharing anything with anyone he's not choosing. And he'll share everything with Spencer, it's part of what he signed on for when they got married, but he gets to choose to do that. Spencer is the person he's chosen to share these things with and it's all him. It's just the two of them and the thought makes something in his chest swell.

"I love you," he murmurs, still holding Spencer close. "So much more than I will ever know how to say." One day he wants to be able to find the right words, either his own or perhaps some writer unknown to him that's somehow managed to capture what this feeling really is. It feels like it should be impossible, but Joel doesn't think he'll ever stop looking. And maybe one day when they're old, when they're sitting together, when they're watching their grandchildren, he'll have found the right words, but even if he never does, he knows that won't stop him from feeling this.

"You saved me," he whispers, pressing another kiss to Spencer's mouth. "You saved me."

And he hopes Spencer really understands that. Joel knows he sometimes feels as if he's not capable of protecting himself, but Joel doesn't see that part of Spencer. All he sees is the man who literally carried him on his back to bring him to safety. And now the man, the only one in the world, who could pull him back from a demon that had had its claws in him for more than a decade. The only person in the entire world Joel has let in like this, the only person that demon had been afraid of because Joel loves him so completely. Before Spencer he knows he wouldn't have even thought something like that would be possible. The power of love wouldn't be enough to save someone from a possession, it wouldn't be enough to make anyone fight back like he had, but he'd been wrong. Spencer had proved him wrong.

He'll never forget that. He'll spend the rest of his life thanking Spencer for everything he's done in any way he can think to. Even if he doesn't say he words, he'll put it into every gesture, every touch. Spencer hasn't just changed his life, he's saved it in every possible sense of the word.

[doublethepain]

Joel doesn't have to say it because Spencer already knows. There's no explaining the love they have for each other, not really. It's difficult to be able to sound like a reasonable person who so often relies quite heavily on logic and rationality when they'd both gone from very single to very married in the span of just a few months. In his entire lifetime, Spencer hadn't looked at any one person and thought that he could spend the rest of his life with them, even before he'd been left completely alone without that spark of hope that had always existed for him through his mother and brother. He hadn't felt that hope again until he'd met Joel, and he can't say why, just that it had happened and he hadn't let go like he might have done with someone else. If anyone had shown interest in him over the years--Amber at the Cove Cafe is one, apparently--it's always gone right over his head, but he thinks now that maybe that's because he really had just been biding his time until Joel had come into his life.

All he can do is nod when Joel says Spencer had saved him, not because he wants to take the credit for it but because it's true in so many other ways. The only thing that Joel is leaving out is that he'd saved Spencer, too. He'd be dead already if it hadn't been for Joel, Spencer has absolutely no doubts about that. If the debris hadn't hit him, he'd probably have found himself in the way of the Hydra. If they hadn't made a date that evening in the summer, Mark would surely have gotten bored of Spencer's inability to fight back and killed him to spite Joel--and it makes Spencer shudder to think there might be a second attempt, if the letter is anything to go by, but Mark Fuller is the very last person he wants to think about right now. Even on the island, with a hole in his leg, Joel had been the reason Spencer had found it in himself to gather the strength to fight those hallucinations. He might have succumbed to them otherwise, might have let the island win, but he'd been in love and newly proposed to and protecting Joel had simply been more important. It had been the most important.

What Joel had said during his vows at their wedding will always stay with Spencer--you saved me from having nothing, from being empty, from being alone and from being lonely--because Spencer feels the exact same way. Even if he had survived any of the things that should have seen him dead in the past few months, having to face any of it alone would have cut him far more deeply than any physical wound ever could. He hadn't realized how much he'd truly feared being alone for the rest of his life until he suddenly wasn't anymore. After two and a half years of successfully waking up and getting ready for work and coming back to his still empty house, Spencer had assumed he'd gotten used to it. The truth is merely that he'd been hiding from himself, protecting himself from the sheer sadness of what is life had become with the loss of his family.

Finding Joel has been and always will be Spencer's greatest gain. Joel had shown him to live, truly live, for the very first time, and Spencer only hopes that he's been able to show his gratitude at least a little bit every day. "I love you. And I'll always save you," he murmurs, resting his forehead gently against his husband's as he lets his eyes slip shut. They can't stay like this, he knows that, and if Nora catches them like this, she'll surely lecture them about it but Spencer doesn't care. They'd nearly met their ends yet again today, and he needs this. They both do, they need to just bask in each other's presence and take advantage of the physical reminders that they're alive, that they aren't going to be damaged beyond repair.

He'd promised himself a long time ago that he'd never take this relationship for granted, and he has no intention of starting now. What they have together is so incredibly unique, special, as clear to other people as it is to themselves, and Spencer will never let it go. They're connected, and they'll never break, not even if a demon tries to come between them.

[just_another]

Joel is fairly certain he'd be happy never moving from this place. Even if it meant staying in the hospital, having this moment with Spencer, having him so close, it feels so nice and Joel smiles, his eyes closed, his forehead resting against Spencer's and he thinks again that he would be happy to stay right here for the rest of his life. Of course, ten minutes from now, he knows he'll want nothing more than to go home, nothing more than to sleep in his own bed with Spencer's arms around him, but since he also knows such a thing isn't possible, he'll take this. He'll take any moment with Spencer that he's given because he knows how close they came today to not having any moments at all. He knows how bad things got and although there are parts of the day he can't remember, he doesn't know if it's by choice because things had been so terrible or because the demon had pushed him down far enough that he really hadn't been there at all. But he doesn't need to remember all the details to know it was awful. He doesn't need to remember every last moment to know how close they came to really losing everything.

"You two are impossible."

Joel starts at the sound of Nora's voice from the doorway and he thinks he should have heard her coming, noticed the squeak of her shoes on the floor in the hall or heard the dragging of the cot against the floor. She has it leaned against the doorframe now and Joel's eyes fly open and he looks at her, trying not to feel guilty. He's still lying straight, after all, he'd just been leaned over a little to be able to press his forehead against Spencer's.

"I'm still lying straight," he points out, but the exasperated look Nora gives him is enough to shut Joel up. He looks to Spencer for support, but he's not sure she's going to be much happier if he starts trying to defend what they've been doing, so Joel glances at him, then shakes his head, even though he's trying not to smile.

"Here," she says, beginning to unfold the cot and Joel's first instinct is to get up to help her, even though he knows that's absurd. He sits up in the bed anyway, then winces and relaxes back against his pillow as Nora gives him a sharp look and sets the cot aside to come check on him.

"I'm fine," he insists, trying to wave her away with his good hand. "I wanted to help you with the cot."

"Good god," she says, rolling her eyes even as she checks Joel's positioning and opens the hospital gown to check on his ribs. It's the first time he's seen the bruising and his eyes widen a little, taking in the deep purple bruise that's spread down one side of his body. He doesn't want Spencer to see it because he doesn't want him to worry, but he supposes it's too late as Nora checks him over and he glances at his husband, looking for his reaction.

"It looks worse than it is," Nora announces, covering Joel again. "I can tell you two are going to spend all your time worrying about each other, but it really does look worse than it is. The bruising will take a long time to fade and you probably won't be entirely pain free for close to a month, but it's not as bad as it looks."

[doublethepain]

Spencer makes an exasperated face at his husband when he hears Nora's voice before immediately morphing his expression into something significantly more innocent, all wide eyes and slightly pouted lips. It's an expression he'd initially mastered with his mother, and he's never really needed to use it often because aside from his terrible luck in the past couple years, Spencer has never really been at fault for many unfortunate things. Dane had been the one who'd always liked to stir trouble, though never maliciously, and he'd had his own method of getting out of punishments but once Spencer had gotten older, he'd begun to suspect that his mother simply hadn't had the heart to send either of them to their rooms for very long. For the most part, they'd been good kids.

Even so, the success of what Dane had dubbed his 'Bambi eyes' has always stuck with him, and it's exactly how Spencer had gotten himself out of being admitted to the hospital tonight. His doctor had been on the brink of sentencing Spencer to an evening of bedrest where he could be monitored because he'd been concerned about the number of times Spencer had rattled his head in the past few months. It's more than is ideal, he can admit that, but he's no stranger to stress headaches in the first place, and he's fairly certain that what he and Joel have been through lately is more than enough of a valid reason for his head to pound at a moment's notice.

All those thoughts leave him in an instant when Nora opens Joel's gown. The Bambi eyes are abandoned in favor of a worried stare at the bruising as he lets out a sharp gasp and his chest tightens with inexplicable fear. Joel's going to be fine, the doctor had told Spencer that and Nora is telling him that now, but he can't tear his eyes away from the awful coloring of his husband's body because it's not supposed to be like this. Joel's not supposed to be in pain and neither is Spencer, and it doesn't matter to him that his own back is also bruised from hitting that wall because any pain he might feel pales in comparison to what Joel had been forced to endure.

He can feel Joel's eyes on him, but he can't bring himself to look up, even when Nora settles his gown back into place and gets back to work on the cot. He rubs his hand over his face, rubbing at the bridge of his nose and squeezing his eyes shut just to ward off the tears before he stands to move around the bed to help with the unfolding. He's got one arm but it makes no difference, Spencer just doesn't want Joel to see the guilt in his eyes because all his husband will do is tell him it's not his fault. He may have played a part in saving Joel but that will never stop him from feeling like he should have done more, and he won't admit that out loud but it stands true. He's never been especially envious of anyone's powers before but for a split second, he wishes he could be as powerful as Nerium because if he was, he'd have lured that demon out of his husband and banished it a long time ago.

"Let me help," he says, clearing his throat before reaching down for one end of the cot. He lets out an offended yelp when Nora swats at his hand, giving him a look that's both stern and very obviously frustrated as she points back to Joel's bed.

"I don't think I've ever had any two patients give me more of a headache than you boys," she says, though Spencer thinks he can hear a twinge of sympathy and maybe a bit of fondness in her tone. "Now sit and stay seated unless you want me to call Bruce in here to restrain you."

Spencer most certainly doesn't want that, and he exchanges a quick glance with his husband before he looks down at his lap, flexing the fingers of his left hand in silence while Nora works. When she's close to being done, he swallows hard and lets out a shaky breath, unsure of why he's letting himself wallow in this feeling when he should just use the rest of this night to touch his husband, remind himself of how lucky they are that they're still alive and together right now. It's just that they'd come so close, too close, possibly closer than they've ever been to losing everything, and he would have lost everything. He doesn't remember how to properly live without Joel, likely because he hadn't truly lived before meeting Joel at all, and he practically whispers a very weak "thank you" to a surprised Nora before he finally reaches for Joel's good hand again.

"Thank you," he says again, ducking his head to hide his trembling bottom lip. "For everything you're doing, for understanding that I need to stay, I just-- I just need to stay." He needs to be able to wake up in the middle of the night and know that Joel's still here. "So thank you."

[just_another]

Joel can tell something is wrong in the way Spencer won't meet his gaze and he looks at him curiously, then glances down at his own chest, wondering if it had been the sight of the bruising that had done it. He knows how much he worries when Spencer is injured, how much he's worrying right now over Spencer's shoulder, over the fact that he's hit his head again -- and more than that, that Joel is the one responsible -- but he's always surprise when Spencer worries in turn. Not because he doesn't think Spencer is the type to worry about him and not because he's never had anyone worry about him, but it's been such a long time. His parents have lived in another part of the state for such a long time that he's simply not used to it. He doesn't expect it. And it's silly, he doesn't want Spencer to worry, he doesn't want him to feel bad about everything that's happened, but it warms him a little all the same. It means he isn't alone in this anymore, it reminds him that he's here with his husband, that he doesn't have to heal alone and when Spencer reaches for his hand, Joel squeezes it very gently, a soft smile on his lips.

"I understand," Nora says, her own voice a little more gentle than it had been even moments before. She begins to put the sheets on the cot, tucking the corners in carefully as he's sure she's been trained to do and for a long moment there's just silence in the room. Then she clears her throat and, without looking up from her task at hand, says, "It really does look worse than it is, Spencer. I want you to hear me. Your husband, despite insisting on squiggling around like he has ants in his pants, is going to be just fine and I don't want you to doubt that for a second. I don't want to come by to check on you both later and find you awake and watching him because you're worried something bad is going to happen. You both need your rest, but besides rest, everything will be fine."

She says it in such a firm tone that Joel almost can't help but believe her. He wants to protest about her accusation that he's squiggling around, but he realizes it's true and he promises himself he'll try to do his best to keep that to a minimum. She's gone out of her way for them both time and time again tonight and he doesn't want to make any of this more difficult on her than it has to be. He knows he isn't a good patient, but from now on he's going to try to be.

"There," she says as she puts the pillow down on the cot and then gives it a firm pat. Then, without waiting for any further instruction, she comes around to the other side and presses the button to lower Joel's bed until it's the same level as the cot. "Now I better not come in here later and find you two up to anything either. Because I will separate you."

But as she says it, she lowers the rail on that side of Joel's bed and pushes the cot up next to it, essentially creating a larger bed for the two of them. It's not their bed at home and Joel knows he won't be able to move much, he won't be able to wrap himself around Spencer like he usually does and he won't wake up with his legs tangle with Spencer's, but this is good. This is far more than he expected to be given and he nods, smiling thankfully.

"We really appreciate it," he says. And he thinks maybe he should promise that they'll be goo, but he has a feeling she might not quite believe them and will maybe to come back to check on them extra if he starts making claims she doesn't believe. They'll have to do something for her and maybe even for Bruce once they're discharged, he thinks. Something nice, even if it's just some flowers or the fruit basket he'd been talking about earlier.

"You better," she says, but she's smiling as she pats the cot for Spencer. "Be good, both of you."

[doublethepain]

Ants in his pants. Spencer can't help it, he lets out a snicker at the phrase that he remembers his mother using more than a few times to describe the way Dane had always been such a restless child, and he's biting back another laugh when he looks at Joel again with renewed relief. He does hear Nora, hears what she has to say about how Joel's going to be okay, and in spite of all the parts of him that are screaming not to let his guard down when it comes to worry about his husband, Spencer believes her. The doctor had broken down the list of Joel's injuries for him and with every additional one, Spencer had flinched like he could feel the pain himself. He hates that his husband is suffering, absolutely hates it, and he knows Joel feels the same way about him but there's something about seeing Joel in the hospital like this that just make Spencer feel a bit lost.

Having the cot set up next to Joel's bed, knowing that he'll be able to reach out to touch him in the middle of the night, it helps more than Spencer even knows how to say because he can't even begin to fathom the sort of fit he might have thrown if the staff had tried to insist he go home tonight. A large part of it is purely concern because there's quite a difference between just knowing that Joel will be okay and actually seeing that he isn't too irreparably damaged; but the other part of it is selfish. It's something he'd rather not discuss, certainly not with Nora in the room, because in recent weeks, Spencer hasn't seen Mark Fuller when he closes his eyes. He's been seeing Joel, his body bent at in all different sorts of grotesque angles; Joel, out in the backyard looking like he's just sleeping peacefully when really, he'll never wake up again; Joel, dying in a weeping Spencer's arms whilst Erin holds their baby out to him.

It's all been so much but now they're here. The hospital isn't an ideal place to be, that much is true, but Joel's going to be fine and Spencer thinks he ought to work a little harder at simply accepting that rather than coming up with every other alternative his mind can conjure. "We would never get up to anything," he says, getting up from the bed and pressing a kiss to Joel's temple before moving to the cot with an impish smile at Nora. She looks like she has half a mind to jerk her hand out at his injured shoulder, just to make him smart a bit, but she just lets out an exasperated sigh as she moves toward the door.

"You're getting one more dose of pain medication, you," she tells him, shaking a finger and then her head the second Spencer begins to protest. "Do not argue with me, you'll barely even notice the drowsiness because you'll be very much asleep soon after you take it, isn't that right?"

Spencer stares at her for a moment with his mouth agape, completely at a loss for words because he certainly doesn't want the extra medication because he wants to be coherent if Joel wakes from a nightmare in the middle of the night but at the same time, he may have to admit that he's perhaps a little bit afraid of their nurse. "Right," he finally answers, shifting closer to Joel's bed as he scoots back to slide his legs under the covers. "Is that going to be before or after we get up to all the things we're going to get up to? Because I'm going to need to plan accordingly."

Nora rolls her eyes, though it's good-natured, and she looks to Joel with an amused smirk. "I'd ask how you stand this one but then I remember what you're like," she says, tone even but for the slight tremor in it that Spencer is fairly certain is laughter. "Peas in a pod you two, aren't you? Now I'm going to say this again, stay out of trouble. I'll be back with the medication and to check up on you again in a little while."

As soon as the door shuts behind her, Spencer lets himself fall back on the cot, laughing through the pain of the hurt shoulder and back he's already forgotten about and for just a split second, his head pounds from the mass of stars that have exploded in his eyes. Still, he manages to grope for Joel's hand again and laces his fingers through his husband's when he finds it, contenting himself with being able to just touch him right now. "Is it true, baby?" he asks aloud, eyes shut tight as the static he sees fades away. "Do you have them? Do you have those ants in your pants?"

[just_another]

"Shut up," Joel says, but he's laughing, too, even though it hurts to do so. "There was a television show in Canada called Ant in Your Pants. I was a little too old for it, but Charlotte used to watch it." He doesn't remember much about it, just that it had been a show for kids, that there had been music, even a song about having ants in the pants, but he can't remember the words are or even the tune. It doesn't really matter at all, but it's the only thing he can think of now when he hears that expression and it's interesting for him to realize just how much of his life he's never really shared with Spencer. It isn't that he's lied to him or kept secrets, not since deciding to tell him everything about Mark and Amy, but there are things about his life growing up that just can't be duplicated here, things that should be meaningless to a man who doesn't identify himself by where he's from, but can't quite be dismissed anyway. Joel has never missed Canada simply because it's Canada and he's never particularly worried about identifying himself as being Canadian. Besides Spencer, Coop and Raleigh, he thinks Lara and Gemma might be the only people who even know where he's from originally. It's not some kind of label that he hangs onto.

But there are differences. His children won't ever know the same shows he grew up on because they don't air here. They won't be inundated with hockey terminology at every turn, which Joel actually considers to be a huge improvement upon his own childhood. The wildlife is similar, which Joel is weirdly thankful for and they're still on the right ocean, but the seasons aren't the same. There's no going to Tim Horton's for hot chocolate and Timbits and he realizes it's such a small, silly thing, but his father had taken him and Charlotte every Saturday to get hot chocolate and donuts in the winter. It just won't be the same here.

This is where Spencer is, though, and this is the town where Joel has made his home, his life. There are things he misses sometimes, there are things he wishes he could share with their children, but he knows he wouldn't leave, not for the world. If Spencer one day decides he'd like to live somewhere else, Joel will go with him because Spencer is what makes Siren Cove home. Anywhere Spencer goes, that will be Joel's home. If one day they spend months traveling around the country, every place they are will be Joel's home because Spencer will be there with him and he doesn't care of someone else were to think that was cheesy, because it's the truth. His entire life rests with Spencer, everything he has, everything he is, it's all there.

"What do you think of the fact that our nurse is trying to drug us to sleep?" he asks curiously, squeezing Spencer's hand gently as he relaxes back onto his pillows. For awhile he thought he might not be able to sleep, not if they tried to make Spencer go home, but now that they're set up like this, side by side, able to reach out and touch each other with ease, Joel can feel the day catching up with him. He stifles a yawn, then turns his head so he can look over at Spencer, tracing his profile with his gaze. It hits him again just how close he came to really having to say goodbye to this amazing man and he presses his lips together tightly because he doesn't want to start crying, not again. It's been a long, hard, terrifying day, but they're here now. They've come out on the other side and that's what Joel wants to focus on. Once they're both healed, they'll never have to think about this again and for a second he can feel himself trying to argue, trying to point out that he will think about it, they both will, but he's not listening to it. Not right now.

"I'm not sure if I'll need it," he admits, still watching Spencer. "I'm suddenly very aware of just how tired I am." But he doesn't want to go to sleep yet. He doesn't want to stop looking at Spencer, he doesn't want to close his eyes and drift away when he'd been so scared he might be taken away for good. They're here and he isn't afraid anymore, but he's not ready to close his eyes and go to sleep just yet.

[doublethepain]

"Maybe we can find a copy of it online," Spencer answers, chuckling fondly at the idea that there might be an actual song out there that he can use to tease his husband more often than he's willing to admit out loud right now. "We'll have to, I can't do our child the disservice of never telling him or her how antsy daddy's pants are. Then again, you have access to photos of all my different awful hairstyles through the years so maybe we can reach some sort of agreement here."

He finds the idea of trading off telling their child embarrassing stories about each other oddly endearing, actually, and he adds that to his mental list of what to do for their child. It's a long list already, joining the ranks of telling their child he loves him or her every day and making sure that he or Joel can always be the one to tuck them in at night. He adds to it nearly every day and each addition is a new reason to smile--though that task, smiling, seems to be a bit difficult when he's on his way to passing out on this cot.

"I think..." Spencer trails off, a soft smile curving his lips. "I think she's wise enough to know that if she doesn't, I'll be up all night making sure that you're still here. That you're with me and that I haven't lost you." He's kept his eyes shut and to be completely honest, he's not necessarily keen on opening them again because he, too, has realized just how exhausted he really is right now; but what outweighs the fatigue is the need to have Joel in his line of sight, the need to be certain, even with his husband's hand in his, that Joel isn't going anywhere. He eyes slowly flutter back open, and he turns his head to meet Joel's gaze, staying quiet for a moment as he commits everything about this moment to memory.

The feel of the cotton sheets against his skin, the firm yet somehow still gentle grip Joel has on his hand, the distinct silence that's taken over the room now that they've been left alone, the bags under Joel's eyes and the mess of his curls and the band-aid on his cheek--all of it will be remembered, not just tomorrow or the day after but for the rest of his life because right now, in this moment, he's sending a quiet word of thanks up to anyone who may be listening. He doesn't practice any religion, though he's read a number of books about it and could easily explain the differences that make them up, but he does believe that something had brought them together. He'd waited all his life for this man, nobody else could have come close to being as important to him as Joel because in the end, they'd always been meant to find each other.

They'd chosen their own path, he thinks, they'd chosen their own ways to find each other and maybe it'd taken a bit longer than either of them might have liked but they're here now. They're here and in love and what they have is unbreakable, and nobody can take that away from them.

"Never leave me," he says softly, the words surprising even Spencer because he hadn't actually meant to say them out loud; but he can't take it back and so he holds Joel's gaze, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I know that-- that life can be unexpected. It can bring us all the joy we could ever hope for in one moment and nothing but the deepest of cruelties in the next. But we're forever, right? This, us, we're forever, that's what we promised each other." He knows he must sound a bit foolish right now, and he's inclined to blame the pain he's in or the exhaustion that's creeping on him more and more with every passing moment. "I almost lost you, and I'm trying not to think about it but every time I remember having you pinned down, I-- I can't do it, Joel, I can't lose you."

He knows he should let the subject go for the rest of the evening, there's no sense in bringing it up again when they can't changed what had happened, but he just needs Joel to know. He needs to make sure Joel understands. "I love you so much. God, so much, and I'm going to keep you safe, I promise. I'll do anything for you, always." He huffs an empty laugh, finding himself wanting to let his eyes slip shut again but unable to tear them from Joel's. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I should just-- You need to rest. So rest, and I'll be here if you need me."

[just_another]

The way Spencer says that, whether it's the words themselves or his tone of voice, it causes something to twist tightly in Joel's chest and he shakes his head, wishing he could do more than just that. Wishing he didn't hurt so badly, that he could just roll into the cot with his husband and wrap his arms around him and hold him tightly. If he could do that, if he could just hold Spencer properly, he thinks maybe he could convince them both, even if just for a night, that nothing like this is ever going to happen again. That they're safe and they're together and that's all they'll ever need. That he isn't going anywhere and he never will. Spencer is right, though, and life can be unexpected, but he will do everything in his power to make sure nothing separates the two of them. This is the only place he's ever wanted to be quite this badly. He's not willing to give it up, not for anything. Not for a demon and not for anything else either.

"I will never leave you," he says and although his voice is still soft, his tone is firm. He won't. There's nothing to be done besides promise and then follow through, but he doesn't want Spencer to worry or doubt that if Joel had a choice, he would be somewhere else. The unexpected may happen, he knows he can't do much to prevent that, but he'll do what he can. He can cast spells and charms, he can do everything in his power to make sure nothing happens to them. More importantly, though, he will never choose to be anywhere else. This is where he belongs and this is where he's going to stay. If he has to fight for it, he will. He'll be here for as long as he has left.

"If you can help me fight off a demon, you can help me fight off anything." Maybe there's a bit of arrogance in those words, maybe the idea that they're more powerful than the rest of the world is something he'll come to regret having said, but right now he doesn't. They are powerful together. They're meaningful and they can do anything.

"Don't apologize," he murmurs. "You don't have to be sorry. What happened today... god, Spencer it was terrifying for me. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for you. Don't be sorry for being afraid. It's... it was all s-so awful and I wish I could change it. I wish I could make it so it had never happened. You don't ever have to be sorry for wanting to talk about that or for... for wanting reassurances. I need them, too. I need them." Even though he's the one saying them, it helps. It helps to hear such confidence in his own voice. It takes power away from the fear of what happened.

[doublethepain]

Joel's words will have an impact--more of an impact--when he wakes up tomorrow, when he sees that Joel is still in his bed, that they're both still alive, that they're both still going to be here for each other. Right now, there's pain and misplaced guilt and exhaustion clouding his mind to the point that he barely feels like he can think straight anymore. At least part of that is likely due to the fact that he'd been knocked out a matter of a few hours ago but Spencer has to admit that the idea of having enough pain medication brought to him to knock him out is starting to sound quite appealing.

On the one hand, he wants to stay up all night just so he can keep watch over Joel because that's one of his duties now, making sure that his husband is safe. He's already failed at keeping Joel unharmed but he can make up for it now, he thinks, by being here. By staying, the way Joel had come to the home they share now and stayed after what had happened at the lighthouse. Their connection grows stronger every single day, the incident with Mark almost seems like a lifetime ago now, and the rings on their fingers dictate that Spencer will never leave; but there isn't a single moment that Spencer has ever thought that maybe it's too much.

There's never been a time that Spencer has wondered if either of them have bitten off more than they can chew, if they've made a mistake in dedicating themselves to each other in such a short period of time, because it's not the time that matters. There's nothing that could be too much for Spencer, not when it comes to Joel because for his husband, there's nothing he wouldn't do. There's nothing he can't do because Joel's right, together they'd been able to fight off a demon. What more could life possibly throw at them?

Of course, he'll be of no use to Joel if he can't even function from lack of sleep. Spencer wants to be there for Joel for anything, for everything, whether it's to adjust his bed or fluff his pillows or sneak him a cup of coffee, and he knows that he needs to get better himself to be able to do that. Deteriorating in front of his husband's eyes isn't something he can do, it's not something he'd ever make Joel watch. "Stronger together," he murmurs, eyes fluttering even as he tries to keep them open just for a little while longer. "I know we are, and I'll always be here for you. If there's one thing you can let yourself know for sure, let that be it. Hydras and demons and awful cruises and lighthouses and-- god, and fatherhood, I'll always be here."

[just_another]

"I am sure," Joel murmurs, watching Spencer's eyes flutter closed. He knows he shouldn't, he knows it's going to hurt, that if Nora sees it she's going to be furious, but he shifts as best he can anyway, getting closer to the cot, close enough that he can press a soft kiss to Spencer's forehead. "I am sure. I've never been as certain of anything as I am of you. Of us." And that's the simple truth. Joel has spent a lot of his life dealing in black and white, in absolutes. He's been an unyielding man in a lot of ways, stubborn and hard headed when he possibly shouldn't have been. He knows this about himself, he knows plenty of other people know it as well. He's been certain of a great many things over the course of his life, but he's never been as certain of anything as he is of this relationship. There's nothing in this world that can tear them apart, nothing that can get between them, he knows that. And perhaps it's his own stubbornness reasserting itself, but he doesn't care and he doubts Spencer does either. If there's anything worth being stubborn about, he thinks it's how much they love each other and how badly they want to be together for the rest of their lives.

He rolls back against his pillow, just barely managing to suppress the pained moan as he goes and he glances over at Spencer, hoping his husband hadn't caught him wincing. It had been worth it just to press that kiss against Spencer's skin, to be that close to him, to smell him, warm and familiar, and to reassure himself that Spencer is going to be here with him until he can leave. And he's sure once they're home that Spencer is going to try to wait on him, no matter how much Joel tries to insist he doesn't need to, and he smiles a little, a warmth spreading through him. The certainty that comes with this marriage is good, he's sure of it. Knowing how lucky he is, knowing there will always be someone for him to go home to, it does good things to Joel. It makes him brighter, happier, easier for others to be around. It makes him a better man.

He opens his mouth to say something else, but he's rolled back onto his pillow just in time, because the door swings open again and Nora returns pushing a small tray. There are vials on the tray, syringes, two plastic cups and a jug of water that she puts on Spencer's side, taking care to give Joel a very pointed look. He'd had some trouble with the water and the cups earlier, he knows, but he's still capable of pouring himself a drink if he needs to and so he returns the look only to have Nora laugh at him and shake her head.

"Alright," she says, setting the jug down. "Water. Extra pillows and blankets are in the closet, but use the call button to get one of the nurses to help you if you find you need those. I'd hate to come back tomorrow morning and find the two of you collapsed and shivering on the floor." Her tone suggests she might not hate that so much, she might find it a very good reason to say something like I told you so, but Joel doesn't say that, he only nods his agreement and looks over at Spencer as Nora comes around to Joel's IV stand.

"How's your pain?" she asks him and he shrugs, the instantly regrets it.

"Worse now," he admits.

"One to ten," Nora says as she injects the painkillers into his IV, watching and waiting for a moment before she looks back at him. And Joel doesn't want to say, not with Spencer there, he doesn't want him to worry and to try and stay up all night making sure he's okay, but Nora isn't really giving him much of a choice with the way she's standing there, clearly waiting for a response, one hand on her hip.

"Six," he murmurs, glancing over at Spencer. "But it's fine. I'll be fine."

[doublethepain]

Joel shouldn't be doing that, Spencer thinks, Joel shouldn't be moving around like that just to leave a kiss against his forehead--he could hurt himself even worse and then Nora would really have their hands--but in his current state of half-asleep, partly in pain, and the rest just relieved, he can't find it in himself to tell his husband to stop. In fact, even at Joel's words that ring so true in Spencer's mind, the words that mirror his very own thoughts, he can only let out a soft hum of agreement. He wishes he had the energy to say more, to turn over on his side and reach out to take Joel's hand and stay like that for the rest of the night, regardless of the way the ache in his shoulder seems to grow with every passing moment because it would be worth the pain just to have that physical contact. He'd endure anything to make sure his husband is safe, feels safe, and he wants to be able to say all of this right now but he takes comfort in knowing that Joel is already aware of it. Joel is aware, Spencer knows, because he feels the same way.

When Nora enters the room again, he barely twitches, though he does open one eye before attempting to give her a mock scowl that barely registers--or if it does, she simply ignores it--as she sets the water down beside him. He's grumpy, he realizes, because Nora has certainly been nothing but accommodating of them, in spite of their tendencies to be awful patients, and he forces himself to make a silent promise that he'll make a better effort to be more outwardly appreciative of how kind she's being to them. He's had nurses and doctors whose beside manners had left, to say the least, something to be desired, so it makes her stand out all the more. What's most important, though, is that she treats Joel well, and she's doing a magnificent job of that.

It's not until Joel admits that his pain is at a level six that Spencer suddenly feels wide awake again, and he tries to push himself up from the cot with his functioning arm even as Nora lets out a huff of disapproval and rushes from Joel's side of the bed to his.

"What do you think you're doing?" she demands, one hand coming to a rest gently on his shoulder, and Spencer lets out a groan of protest.

"M'fine," he mumbles, sliding himself an inch closer to his husband because somehow, in his exhausted mindset, it seems to Spencer that as long as they're as close as they can be, both of them will be just fine. His own pain could be at a ten but it would be bearable as long as Joel stayed with him.

"You're fine," Nora repeats, shaking her head as she reaches for the other syringe and vial that she'd brought on her tray. "That's why you're shaking then, is that right?"

Spencer hadn't even noticed but a glance down at his hand, his trembling fingers, proved her right, and he frowns at how slowly his brain is processing everything right now. It's more to do with how tired he is and how the events of the day seem to be catching up with him than the actual head wound, he's sure of that, but he looks over his shoulder Nora with a sheepish expression as he remembers the promise he'd only just made to himself a moment ago.

"My definition may be just the slightest bit broad," he admits, wincing when Nora reaches for his good arm so she can stick him with the needle. The effects of the painkillers work almost instantly, and he's not entirely sure what she's given him, but he knows that he's grateful for it. He lets out a long sigh as he lowers himself back down to the mattress, smiling up at Nora's face, her gentle eyes, and remembering that this night could have gone so differently had they not had someone on their side here tonight. "But this one, it'll make-- make--" He pauses to yawn, holding his hand against his mouth before trying to blink the fast approaching sleepiness from his own eyes. "It'll be good enough to help Joel sleep through the night?"

[just_another]

"His pain should already be down to a three or four, so I think he'll be just fine," Nora answers, casting a glance over at Joel and he nods, because he doesn't want Spencer to worry. Even though he knows he will, even though he knows no matter what he says, Spencer will worry about him, he hopes that he'll let it go enough that he'll be able to fall asleep. They both need to rest and he thinks so long as they're able to sleep side by side they'll have a much easier night than if they were forced to be sleeping separately. Obviously Nora knows it as well to have arranged for them to sleep like this. Joel has to wonder just how often people convince nurses that they need to sleep together, how often they get their way.

He's willing to bet it's not that common at all.

"It's better," he agrees. "Maybe a three, but it's fading. I'm feeling much better." And so long as they can get to sleep, he thinks they'll both be okay. Looking over at Spencer, he's pleased to see how tired his husband looks, how close to sleep he is already. It makes it easier for him to relax against his pillow and close his eyes. He reaches out with his good hand, brushing his fingers against Spencer's to remind him that he's right here. He's right here beside him, he isn't going anywhere else and he'll be right here tomorrow morning.

He has to stifle another yawn and he lays back on the pillow, closing his eyes. "I'm okay. I feel... much... much better." Forcing his eyes open, he looks at Spencer again, then smiles at him. "You should close your eyes. Go to sleep. I'll be right there, too." And he's not lying to get Spencer to relax, to make him more comfortable. He can feel the painkillers working through him, he can feel himself relaxing further, drifting off, which he's sure will make both Nora and Spencer quite happy.

"Good," Nora says and Joel closes his eyes again. He can feel her moving around the room, straightening blankets, pushing down pillows, making sure everything is the way it should be. He hears her mark something down on his file, he senses her checking his vitals, but more than that, he's paying attention to Spencer. He can hear his husband's gentle breathing, he can feel the warmth of his fingers against his own. This is less than ideal, of course, but if he has to stay overnight in the hospital, this is the best possible outcome.

Nora doesn't say anything else when she leaves. The flicks off the overheard light a few minutes later and closes the door behind her and they're suddenly left in a dark, quiet, warm room and Joel realizes how comfortable he really is. The pain has all but drifted away and the bed he's in is surprisingly comfortable given that it's in the hospital. But the best part, the part that makes it easy for him to close his eyes and begin to drift off to sleep is Spencer's hand brushing against his.

"Spencer?" he murmurs in the dark. He's nearly asleep, but this is important. "Spencer, I love you."