It's always easy to lose himself when Joel kisses him, to let himself forget everything else if only for a moment and zone in on what matters most to him. Spencer has put all of himself into this relationship, into this marriage, he's given all of himself to Joel, and that's never going to change. He knows that they can't have a full picture of what the future has in store for them but Spencer is more than confident in the belief that he'll be as dedicated to his husband in fifty years as he is now. Joel is the only one who will ever know so much about Spencer, practically all there even is to know, and that is a bona fide fact because if Joel were to ever leave or if anything were to happen, Spencer could never open up like this again to anybody else. He'd close in on himself, he'd withdraw, just like he'd done after his mother and brother had died, like he still does with others.
There's one person Spencer trusts with his life, with his future child's life, and that person is Joel. None of this, none of what's happened with the demon, has an effect on Spencer's vision of Joel as a husband or a parents. Joel tells him he's going to be amazing, that their child will love him, and Spencer threads his fingers carefully through his husband's hair, humming his agreement and returning the soft smile. "Our child's going to love us both," he gently corrects, and he knows Joel knows that. He knows that in spite of whatever insecurities they may experience along the way, they're both very much aware that they're going to be good at this.
They've been allowed the luxury of choosing exactly when they were ready to start their family and that's not something every parents gets to do. They're lucky in that way, that they get to actively make all these decisions together, and they're luckier still that they're always on the same page. The reason for that, Spencer realizes, is that they only ever want what's right for each other, for their relationship, for their future. There are no ulterior motives between them, there never have been, even from the beginning when Spencer had been wondered whether his lack of sexual experience alone might be reason enough to make Joel walk away. He thinks he'd known better even then because otherwise, he would have given up; but he hadn't. He'd held on to the connection they have between them because Spencer had been able to sense that it would be worth it.
"You're not going anywhere," Spencer tells him, lowering his hand back down to trace small circles over Joel's chest. "You're not allowed to, okay? Because you're right, you have to be with me. With us. You have to be there when our baby's born, you have to hold our child in your arms, you have to share that moment with me when we realize that we're actually fathers." He feels his chest tightening again but this time, it's with the anticipation of the incredible life they're going to have together, the beautiful family they're going to raise. It's considerably difficult to allow himself to believe that perfection--or something close to it--could possibly exist after the day they've had and when they're lying in a hospital bed, but Spencer thinks about their future and it's good. He's fairly certain that before Joel, he hadn't been able to say that.
The smile curving his lips grows wider as he thinks about all the preparations they'll be busy with over the course of the next nine months. They've already shown each other toys, clothes, examples of nurseries, cribs, strollers, all sorts of things they'll need for the baby that they'll actually have to go out and buy now. There are so many decisions to make but Spencer finds himself excited to make them rather than stressing over whether they're make the rights ones because whatever they choose, it's going to be based on what's best for their baby. He suspects that Joel will read loads more articles about parenting, and Spencer will refrain from it so that he can listen to his husband talk about what he'd learned. In return, Spencer will recite the safety specs of every stroller he's able to find, the pros and cons of each diaper brand or baby formula, and whatever else he manages to commit to memory about the things their child will need. He might leave out, though, exactly how much each toy he ends up bringing home costs because some things are better left unsaid.
He tilts his head so that it's resting lightly on Joel's, and he doesn't think either of them are the most comfortable they could be in this bed but it makes no difference to Spencer as long as his husband is here and breathing and in his arms. He'd stay like this forever if it meant he wouldn't have to leave Joel's side again. "Should we hedge our bets now? Erin's had two boys, do you think we'll have our Dane joining us next year? Or maybe she'll have twins. Oh, god, what if she has twins?"
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There's one person Spencer trusts with his life, with his future child's life, and that person is Joel. None of this, none of what's happened with the demon, has an effect on Spencer's vision of Joel as a husband or a parents. Joel tells him he's going to be amazing, that their child will love him, and Spencer threads his fingers carefully through his husband's hair, humming his agreement and returning the soft smile. "Our child's going to love us both," he gently corrects, and he knows Joel knows that. He knows that in spite of whatever insecurities they may experience along the way, they're both very much aware that they're going to be good at this.
They've been allowed the luxury of choosing exactly when they were ready to start their family and that's not something every parents gets to do. They're lucky in that way, that they get to actively make all these decisions together, and they're luckier still that they're always on the same page. The reason for that, Spencer realizes, is that they only ever want what's right for each other, for their relationship, for their future. There are no ulterior motives between them, there never have been, even from the beginning when Spencer had been wondered whether his lack of sexual experience alone might be reason enough to make Joel walk away. He thinks he'd known better even then because otherwise, he would have given up; but he hadn't. He'd held on to the connection they have between them because Spencer had been able to sense that it would be worth it.
"You're not going anywhere," Spencer tells him, lowering his hand back down to trace small circles over Joel's chest. "You're not allowed to, okay? Because you're right, you have to be with me. With us. You have to be there when our baby's born, you have to hold our child in your arms, you have to share that moment with me when we realize that we're actually fathers." He feels his chest tightening again but this time, it's with the anticipation of the incredible life they're going to have together, the beautiful family they're going to raise. It's considerably difficult to allow himself to believe that perfection--or something close to it--could possibly exist after the day they've had and when they're lying in a hospital bed, but Spencer thinks about their future and it's good. He's fairly certain that before Joel, he hadn't been able to say that.
The smile curving his lips grows wider as he thinks about all the preparations they'll be busy with over the course of the next nine months. They've already shown each other toys, clothes, examples of nurseries, cribs, strollers, all sorts of things they'll need for the baby that they'll actually have to go out and buy now. There are so many decisions to make but Spencer finds himself excited to make them rather than stressing over whether they're make the rights ones because whatever they choose, it's going to be based on what's best for their baby. He suspects that Joel will read loads more articles about parenting, and Spencer will refrain from it so that he can listen to his husband talk about what he'd learned. In return, Spencer will recite the safety specs of every stroller he's able to find, the pros and cons of each diaper brand or baby formula, and whatever else he manages to commit to memory about the things their child will need. He might leave out, though, exactly how much each toy he ends up bringing home costs because some things are better left unsaid.
He tilts his head so that it's resting lightly on Joel's, and he doesn't think either of them are the most comfortable they could be in this bed but it makes no difference to Spencer as long as his husband is here and breathing and in his arms. He'd stay like this forever if it meant he wouldn't have to leave Joel's side again. "Should we hedge our bets now? Erin's had two boys, do you think we'll have our Dane joining us next year? Or maybe she'll have twins. Oh, god, what if she has twins?"