Joel Waters-Baker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
just_another) wrote2014-12-27 04:57 pm
just_another) wrote2014-12-27 04:57 pm
(no subject)
Late, late Christmas fic~
If Joel had noticed Spencer all those years ago.
-
He's seventeen. Siren Cove is new and while it isn't scary, exactly, not after what happened in Shediac, it is a little daunting and Joel keeps to himself. It doesn't surprise his parents, not given the way their son has always been a little quiet, a little bit of a recluse, but it worries them all the same. They worry he blames himself for what happened and Brian Baker spends most of his time convinced they should be blaming themselves. Or, at the very least, he should be blaming himself. He should have seen it somehow, he should have known that his son was having trouble. He should have been able to see it in Amy's expression whenever she was at their home. That one that was both knowing and a little curious. He should have understood that she had already long figured out what they all were.
But he hadn't. He had just been so happy that his son had finally shown interest in someone that he'd willingly ignored the signs that perhaps Amy wasn't entirely in the relationship because she cared for Joel. And it's too late now. Amy is dead and Joel blames himself and there is nothing for them to do.
So Joel doesn't really settle into Siren Cove.
He graduated back home, so he doesn't have school to introduce him to new people. The bookstore does well enough, but Joel still mostly keeps to himself until the local librarian comes in. She introduces herself to Brian and from his place behind the counter where he's quietly reading a comic book, Joel looks up and finds himself watching a pretty woman about his parents' age speaking to his father. She's talking about the library, about the town, about how they're finding things and if people are being kind to them. Then she's talking about her sons and when she gestures back toward the door, Joel follows the line of her hand and finds himself watching two boys around his age.
One is more outgoing than the other, he can see it in an instant, but there's a difference between him and the popular kids Joel had known at home. He's protective of his brother, he can see that, too, but for some reason Joel thinks he might be the younger.
Then his gaze is drawn to the other boy. He's tall, a little awkward looking in how skinny he is. He's looking down, too, staring at his feet more than the rest of the store, but he glances up every so often to look at his brother or his mom. Once he looks at Joel's dad, but never once does he look right at Joel. Not once.
And there’s a part of Joel that’s relieved he doesn’t. It gives him the chance to stare without being caught, something he’s only ever done with Amy.
The librarian’s older son is strangely attractive. He hasn’t quite grown into himself yet, but Joel supposes the same can be said for him. But where his hair is cut short in an attempt to tame the curls, where he’s already broad shoulders and hulking in his size, the librarian’s son just isn’t. He’s tall and he maybe has a few years to go before he looks like the adult he will inevitably become, but Joel can see that man already in the angled line of his jaw and the sharp edge of his cheekbones.
He’s shy, too. His gaze drifts around the store but doesn’t really land on anything and Joel can see it whenever he lifts his eyes. He’s uncomfortable here. He’d rather be at home. He stands close to his brother and shifts awkwardly from foot to foot as he waits for their mother to be done so he can escape.
And Joel, sitting behind the counter with a comic open in his lap, aggressively understands that feeling.
-
By the time his parents and sister leave Siren Cove, handing the ownership of Crossroads over to him, Joel has nearly forgotten the librarian’s son. Nearly is not completely, though, and he thinks of him now and then, thinks of the strange twist in his chest he’d felt when he’d first seen him, then ignores it. Puts it away.
He’s twenty-two and he owns a bookstore. He’s on his own because he can’t bear to leave this town that’s become something of a sanctuary to him after everything that had happened in Shediac. There’s a part of Joel that knows how unhealthy this is, that he can’t simply stay in a town because he’s afraid of what exists in the world beyond its borders, but knowing it and being able to do something about it are two very different things.
So his family leaves and he stays and he keeps himself separate from the people in town. He’s afraid of letting them get close because of what happened with Amy. He’d let her get close and he had desperately wanted her to love him and in the end he had been responsible for her death. He’d wanted so badly to be able to make her love him that he had abandoned all sense of self-preservation, all the parts of him that told him it was wrong, and his lack of self control had killed her.
He’s tried to forget most people. He’s tried to forget Amy, though he can’t, and he’s tried to forget the last woman he allowed himself to go on a date with, mostly to appease his parents. She’d brought him home and they’d had a relatively straightforward if boring night together and then she had told him not to bother calling her back. Strangely, despite the fact that he agreed with her, it had stung a little.
But he hadn’t called. And he’d tried to forget the librarian’s son, too, though the other man has made it difficult without even knowing.
Joel has actively made an effort not to find out more about him. He’s avoided the library, even though his father had become friends with the woman who had come into the store that day. Joel knows her name, but he’s purposely avoided learning either of her son’s names. He walks into the back storage room whenever she comes in and he ducks out of view whenever he sees her on the street.
All in an effort to avoid her son.
Because Joel knows, given the chance, he could fall just as hard for him as he had Amy. Harder, perhaps, and he knows what a danger that could be.
But sometimes he can’t avoid. Sometimes the librarian’s son shows up at the store with his mother and Joel isn’t quite fast enough.
Today he’s hiding in the stacks. It’s impossible for him to stay here, he knows it. He’s the only one working and she’s already inside, her tall and impossibly handsome son in tow. Eventually he’s going to have to come out and act like he owns the store, but all he wants to do is hide. All he wants is to slip away, disappear, and never have to come out again.
“No one’s here,” he says and his mother shakes her head.
“The door was open, I’m sure Joel is here somewhere,” she answers. “Go next door and get some flowers for the house, will you? I’ll join you in a few minutes.”
Joel watches from his place in the stacks as the librarian’s son nods, then presses a kiss to his mother’s cheek. And he thinks, not for the first time, what it might feel like to have someone do that to him again. Just lean in, close enough to kiss, and brush their lips against his cheek, and when he thinks of it, especially when he thinks about the librarian’s son, something in his chest constricts so hard it hurts.
But then he’s gone and Joel grabs a few books, making it look like he’s been hard at work, as he steps out from behind the shelf.
-
If nothing else, Joel has at least stopped hiding when Spencer comes into the store.
He’s also learned his name, something that was eventually impossible to avoid when Vera insisted on talking about both her sons every single time she came into the store. At first Joel had tried to be the same grumpy recluse he is to everyone else, but, like Cosette, like Lara, Vera had seemed to be able to see right through it. He’s never understood how some people have been able to do that, just dig in and get to the heart of him, but he supposes he shouldn’t complain. Everyone needs to have a friend or two, after all.
But every single time Vera has made an attempt to introduce Joel to Spencer, he’s found excuses to avoid it.
He’s afraid. Because he looks at her son and something in his heart tightens so violently that it hurts. He looks at Spencer and he sees the way the sunlight catches his eyes and it hurts. He sees the angles of his jaw and his cheekbones, he sees the shadows thrown on his face and it hurts.
Joel could fall in love with Spencer Waters and he knows how dangerous that could be.
But when he comes into the store, he doesn’t specifically avoid him anymore. He just can’t look at him. He nods his head and says hello, but he keeps his gaze trained on Vera, always trained on Vera, and he doesn’t let himself be drawn into conversation with Spencer.
It’s worked for several years now. He has every intention of letting it continue.
Spencer usually ducks out of the store mid-visit anyway, for which Joel is grateful. It’s easier to talk to Vera when her son isn’t around and he doesn’t know if she notices or if she knows why, but they’ve never spoken about it and Joel can only hope it continues in this vein. He doesn’t want her to know anything about him. He doesn’t want her to know what happened in Shediac, the terrible things he’s done. He doesn’t want her to know what he’s capable of and, more than that, he doesn’t want her to know that he thinks he could love her son.
So Spencer leaves and Joel relaxes, but neither of them comment on it.
“The library is having a booth at the festival next weekend,” she’s saying as she stacks the books she’s collected. “Do you think you might be interested in having a joint booth? Crossroads and the library? I’m sure Spencer would be happy to help you set it up.”
“No,” Joel says too quickly, then flushes deeply and hates himself. “I mean, I don’t have time. I’m busy next weekend.”
Vera is quiet for a long moment and he thinks she’s going to ask him why he avoids Spencer so completely. He panics, thinking this is going to be it, this is the last time he’s going to be able to get away with avoiding her son, but then she only smiles and continues to stack her books on his counter.
“Well, alright,” she says. “But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
He nods once and begins to ring through her purchases, but he’s a million miles away. He’s imagining if maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. If maybe having a booth at the festival could be fun. Mostly he’s wondering what it might be like to have Spencer help him.
To speak to him for the first time. To say hello.
To tell him how beautiful he looks when he smiles.
But he can’t. He puts Vera’s books into a bag and takes her cash, makes her change, and hands it back to her with a receipt.
“Thank you,” he says. He can’t, but he wants her to know the offer is appreciated. He can’t and he wishes he could tell her why.
-
He hurts all over.
That’s the only thing Joel is aware of besides his deep sense of shame. His entire body aches and he’s embarrassed and he feels vaguely sick, but there’s nothing that can change any of this.
He’d gone on a date the night before. An attempt to move on, to forget Amy, to forget everything, even if there’s no hope of that. He’d gone on a date and now he feels certain that the decision he’d made a long time ago to stay away from people has certainly been the right one.
Last night was a mistake.
More and more often lately, he’s been thinking of Spencer. More and more often he’s been finding it difficult to stop thinking about him. And so he’d gone on the date in an attempt to just forget him. To get him out of his system.
And it hadn’t worked.
He doesn’t want to think about where the date had begun to go wrong or why, in trying to forget Spencer, he’d gone on his first date with another man. He doesn’t want to think about all the mistakes he’s made, all the stupid thing he’s agreed to, the way he’d gone home with this man, the way he’d let himself be undressed.
The way he’d hated every moment of it.
The way he hates himself now, just a little.
He doesn’t notice Vera as he approaches the store. He’s closed today, the hours have been the same for the entire time his family had owned the store and he doesn’t expect anyone to be there. Maybe she isn’t waiting to get inside, maybe she’s only passing by, but she’s suddenly right there at his elbow, looking at him in concern.
“Joel,” she says.
“Don’t,” he answers, pulling his arm away from her. It isn’t fair. He’s angry with himself, not with her, but he can’t stand her kindness right now. He can’t take any of this. Her worried expression just twists that spike of self-hate deeper into his chest.
“Please don’t,” he begs, shrinking against his door. “Please don’t. I just need to go home.”
“Joel,” she says again, her voice so gentle and Joel swipes the back of his hand across his eyes.
“Don’t. I’m poison.”
The look she gives him then nearly breaks his heart, but he holds himself steady and simply stares back at her, waiting for her to say something, waiting for her to disagree with him, waiting for her challenge. He can meet it. He can raise himself up to it and take it down.
Over the years she’s spent so much time trying to get him to meet Spencer, he knows that. And maybe it’s just that she thinks they’d be friends. Maybe she sees the similarities in them, but Joel suspects it’s more than that. He’s certain that Vera has known right from the start how Joel feels about her son, he thinks she’s seen the way Joel looks at Spencer even if Spencer never has.
He thinks she might think the idea of the two of them being together isn’t such a bad one, but Joel knows better. He knows so much better. If he were to go anywhere near Spencer, if he were to allow himself to get close to him, closer still to Vera, he knows what would happen. He knows he’d tear their lives apart without even meaning to.
He’d meant it. He’s poison.
And in order to make himself understood, he has to be cruel.
“You can’t make me better by trying to drag me into your life,” he says, his voice low and hard. “I don’t need a mother, Vera, I already have one.”
He can see the hurt in her eyes and although he wants to apologize, he doesn’t. He won’t. If he stops even for a moment, he just puts them all at risk. If there’s one thing Joel knows to be true, it’s that he can’t be trusted.
“Go home,” he says, unlocking the front door of the store. Without looking back, he closes it in her face.
-
The next time he sees her, it’s the picture they use for her obituary.
-
The next time he sees Spencer is at her funeral.
He hadn’t read the stories in the paper. He hadn’t been able to. He hadn’t realized Dane had been killed as well and standing there at the service, it feels like there’s a stone in his chest. There aren’t many people in Siren Cove who had been kind to him, but Vera Waters had been one of the kindest and the last time he’d spoken to her, he’d told her to leave.
All he’d wanted was to protect her from the problems he knows he’ll bring with him. And now she’s gone anyway. He’d upset her, he’d hurt her, and she’s still gone.
And Spencer is alone.
Joel stands near the back of the service and watches Spencer. He doesn’t cry and Joel doesn’t blame him. He hasn’t been able to shed a tear despite the guilt that’s been constantly gnawing at his chest since he heard the news. But Spencer doesn’t cry. He remains dry eyed, stoic, he doesn’t really speak to anyone and so Joel doesn’t approach. There’s no point. He’d meant what he said to Vera; he’s poison, he’d only make this worse for Spencer and so he doesn’t go anywhere near him.
Before the service ends, he slips out. The best thing for everyone would be for him to stay as far away from Spencer Waters as possible.
-
It isn’t hard.
It’s not possible to stay away from him completely. The town isn’t big enough for that, but Joel only catches sight of him in public places, which works well enough. He doesn’t go to the library and Spencer doesn’t come into his store and so they never have to be near each other.
It’s when they’re both buying coffee that Joel will allow himself just a moment to pretend things might have been different. The girl at the counter flirts with Spencer, though he never seems to notice, and Joel thinks about what it might have been like if he’d let Vera convince him to have a booth with the library at the festival that year. He wonders if they’d be here together, if maybe his fingers would be slipping under the hem of Spencer’s shirt, stroking lightly against the skin of his lower back.
He wonders if maybe he wouldn’t have to look across the room at him and think about how good he looks in the morning sunlight. Maybe he’d be able to say it. Lean closer and brush a gentle kiss against that perfect cheekbone.
Maybe.
Maybe his life could have been happy if he hadn’t made such mistakes.
Spencer takes his banana bread and coffee and when he passes Joel, their eyes meet for just a second.
Joel’s heart twists and he wonders how long he’s been in love with him without knowing. How long has it really been.
It doesn’t matter.
-
He’s going to die standing out in the open like he is.
There’s a Hydra rampaging through their town and Spencer stands on the steps of the library and all Joel can think is that he’s going to die. One by one, the Waters family has died and it’s only standing here, watching Spencer put himself right in the line of danger that Joel finally realizes what he’d said to Vera all those years ago isn’t true. He might be poison, he might be a memory Shediac wants to forget.
But he can change that. He doesn’t have to stay this way.
And he can’t just stand here and let Spencer die. He owes Vera that much.
He closes the distance between them at a sprint, throwing up his hand at the same without thought. Some people in town know he’s a witch — Cosette, Lara, and Coop — but he keeps it a secret as much as he can. Here, though, he raises a barrier without thinking because he has to. Because the Hydra smashes a building and sends debris flying in Spencer’s direction and if any of it hits him, it’s going to kill him.
So Joel throws up the barrier and grabs Spencer by the back of his neck.
It’s not how he imagined touching him, not all those times he closes his eyes and leaned back against his closed apartment doors and wishes to forget the librarian’s son. It’s not at all what he’s thought about, but the touch feels electric all the same. He’s angry and scared and so in love he can’t see straight.
“Back inside,” he says, his voice rough.
And Spencer turns his gaze toward Joel, scared, shaking with adrenaline. They look at each other and Joel’s grip relaxes against the back of his neck, but he knows. They look at each other and Joel knows in a second.
He’s in too deep.
There’s no going back.
And somewhere, wherever she might be, he imagines Vera saying, Finally.
If Joel had noticed Spencer all those years ago.
-
He's seventeen. Siren Cove is new and while it isn't scary, exactly, not after what happened in Shediac, it is a little daunting and Joel keeps to himself. It doesn't surprise his parents, not given the way their son has always been a little quiet, a little bit of a recluse, but it worries them all the same. They worry he blames himself for what happened and Brian Baker spends most of his time convinced they should be blaming themselves. Or, at the very least, he should be blaming himself. He should have seen it somehow, he should have known that his son was having trouble. He should have been able to see it in Amy's expression whenever she was at their home. That one that was both knowing and a little curious. He should have understood that she had already long figured out what they all were.
But he hadn't. He had just been so happy that his son had finally shown interest in someone that he'd willingly ignored the signs that perhaps Amy wasn't entirely in the relationship because she cared for Joel. And it's too late now. Amy is dead and Joel blames himself and there is nothing for them to do.
So Joel doesn't really settle into Siren Cove.
He graduated back home, so he doesn't have school to introduce him to new people. The bookstore does well enough, but Joel still mostly keeps to himself until the local librarian comes in. She introduces herself to Brian and from his place behind the counter where he's quietly reading a comic book, Joel looks up and finds himself watching a pretty woman about his parents' age speaking to his father. She's talking about the library, about the town, about how they're finding things and if people are being kind to them. Then she's talking about her sons and when she gestures back toward the door, Joel follows the line of her hand and finds himself watching two boys around his age.
One is more outgoing than the other, he can see it in an instant, but there's a difference between him and the popular kids Joel had known at home. He's protective of his brother, he can see that, too, but for some reason Joel thinks he might be the younger.
Then his gaze is drawn to the other boy. He's tall, a little awkward looking in how skinny he is. He's looking down, too, staring at his feet more than the rest of the store, but he glances up every so often to look at his brother or his mom. Once he looks at Joel's dad, but never once does he look right at Joel. Not once.
And there’s a part of Joel that’s relieved he doesn’t. It gives him the chance to stare without being caught, something he’s only ever done with Amy.
The librarian’s older son is strangely attractive. He hasn’t quite grown into himself yet, but Joel supposes the same can be said for him. But where his hair is cut short in an attempt to tame the curls, where he’s already broad shoulders and hulking in his size, the librarian’s son just isn’t. He’s tall and he maybe has a few years to go before he looks like the adult he will inevitably become, but Joel can see that man already in the angled line of his jaw and the sharp edge of his cheekbones.
He’s shy, too. His gaze drifts around the store but doesn’t really land on anything and Joel can see it whenever he lifts his eyes. He’s uncomfortable here. He’d rather be at home. He stands close to his brother and shifts awkwardly from foot to foot as he waits for their mother to be done so he can escape.
And Joel, sitting behind the counter with a comic open in his lap, aggressively understands that feeling.
-
By the time his parents and sister leave Siren Cove, handing the ownership of Crossroads over to him, Joel has nearly forgotten the librarian’s son. Nearly is not completely, though, and he thinks of him now and then, thinks of the strange twist in his chest he’d felt when he’d first seen him, then ignores it. Puts it away.
He’s twenty-two and he owns a bookstore. He’s on his own because he can’t bear to leave this town that’s become something of a sanctuary to him after everything that had happened in Shediac. There’s a part of Joel that knows how unhealthy this is, that he can’t simply stay in a town because he’s afraid of what exists in the world beyond its borders, but knowing it and being able to do something about it are two very different things.
So his family leaves and he stays and he keeps himself separate from the people in town. He’s afraid of letting them get close because of what happened with Amy. He’d let her get close and he had desperately wanted her to love him and in the end he had been responsible for her death. He’d wanted so badly to be able to make her love him that he had abandoned all sense of self-preservation, all the parts of him that told him it was wrong, and his lack of self control had killed her.
He’s tried to forget most people. He’s tried to forget Amy, though he can’t, and he’s tried to forget the last woman he allowed himself to go on a date with, mostly to appease his parents. She’d brought him home and they’d had a relatively straightforward if boring night together and then she had told him not to bother calling her back. Strangely, despite the fact that he agreed with her, it had stung a little.
But he hadn’t called. And he’d tried to forget the librarian’s son, too, though the other man has made it difficult without even knowing.
Joel has actively made an effort not to find out more about him. He’s avoided the library, even though his father had become friends with the woman who had come into the store that day. Joel knows her name, but he’s purposely avoided learning either of her son’s names. He walks into the back storage room whenever she comes in and he ducks out of view whenever he sees her on the street.
All in an effort to avoid her son.
Because Joel knows, given the chance, he could fall just as hard for him as he had Amy. Harder, perhaps, and he knows what a danger that could be.
But sometimes he can’t avoid. Sometimes the librarian’s son shows up at the store with his mother and Joel isn’t quite fast enough.
Today he’s hiding in the stacks. It’s impossible for him to stay here, he knows it. He’s the only one working and she’s already inside, her tall and impossibly handsome son in tow. Eventually he’s going to have to come out and act like he owns the store, but all he wants to do is hide. All he wants is to slip away, disappear, and never have to come out again.
“No one’s here,” he says and his mother shakes her head.
“The door was open, I’m sure Joel is here somewhere,” she answers. “Go next door and get some flowers for the house, will you? I’ll join you in a few minutes.”
Joel watches from his place in the stacks as the librarian’s son nods, then presses a kiss to his mother’s cheek. And he thinks, not for the first time, what it might feel like to have someone do that to him again. Just lean in, close enough to kiss, and brush their lips against his cheek, and when he thinks of it, especially when he thinks about the librarian’s son, something in his chest constricts so hard it hurts.
But then he’s gone and Joel grabs a few books, making it look like he’s been hard at work, as he steps out from behind the shelf.
-
If nothing else, Joel has at least stopped hiding when Spencer comes into the store.
He’s also learned his name, something that was eventually impossible to avoid when Vera insisted on talking about both her sons every single time she came into the store. At first Joel had tried to be the same grumpy recluse he is to everyone else, but, like Cosette, like Lara, Vera had seemed to be able to see right through it. He’s never understood how some people have been able to do that, just dig in and get to the heart of him, but he supposes he shouldn’t complain. Everyone needs to have a friend or two, after all.
But every single time Vera has made an attempt to introduce Joel to Spencer, he’s found excuses to avoid it.
He’s afraid. Because he looks at her son and something in his heart tightens so violently that it hurts. He looks at Spencer and he sees the way the sunlight catches his eyes and it hurts. He sees the angles of his jaw and his cheekbones, he sees the shadows thrown on his face and it hurts.
Joel could fall in love with Spencer Waters and he knows how dangerous that could be.
But when he comes into the store, he doesn’t specifically avoid him anymore. He just can’t look at him. He nods his head and says hello, but he keeps his gaze trained on Vera, always trained on Vera, and he doesn’t let himself be drawn into conversation with Spencer.
It’s worked for several years now. He has every intention of letting it continue.
Spencer usually ducks out of the store mid-visit anyway, for which Joel is grateful. It’s easier to talk to Vera when her son isn’t around and he doesn’t know if she notices or if she knows why, but they’ve never spoken about it and Joel can only hope it continues in this vein. He doesn’t want her to know anything about him. He doesn’t want her to know what happened in Shediac, the terrible things he’s done. He doesn’t want her to know what he’s capable of and, more than that, he doesn’t want her to know that he thinks he could love her son.
So Spencer leaves and Joel relaxes, but neither of them comment on it.
“The library is having a booth at the festival next weekend,” she’s saying as she stacks the books she’s collected. “Do you think you might be interested in having a joint booth? Crossroads and the library? I’m sure Spencer would be happy to help you set it up.”
“No,” Joel says too quickly, then flushes deeply and hates himself. “I mean, I don’t have time. I’m busy next weekend.”
Vera is quiet for a long moment and he thinks she’s going to ask him why he avoids Spencer so completely. He panics, thinking this is going to be it, this is the last time he’s going to be able to get away with avoiding her son, but then she only smiles and continues to stack her books on his counter.
“Well, alright,” she says. “But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”
He nods once and begins to ring through her purchases, but he’s a million miles away. He’s imagining if maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. If maybe having a booth at the festival could be fun. Mostly he’s wondering what it might be like to have Spencer help him.
To speak to him for the first time. To say hello.
To tell him how beautiful he looks when he smiles.
But he can’t. He puts Vera’s books into a bag and takes her cash, makes her change, and hands it back to her with a receipt.
“Thank you,” he says. He can’t, but he wants her to know the offer is appreciated. He can’t and he wishes he could tell her why.
-
He hurts all over.
That’s the only thing Joel is aware of besides his deep sense of shame. His entire body aches and he’s embarrassed and he feels vaguely sick, but there’s nothing that can change any of this.
He’d gone on a date the night before. An attempt to move on, to forget Amy, to forget everything, even if there’s no hope of that. He’d gone on a date and now he feels certain that the decision he’d made a long time ago to stay away from people has certainly been the right one.
Last night was a mistake.
More and more often lately, he’s been thinking of Spencer. More and more often he’s been finding it difficult to stop thinking about him. And so he’d gone on the date in an attempt to just forget him. To get him out of his system.
And it hadn’t worked.
He doesn’t want to think about where the date had begun to go wrong or why, in trying to forget Spencer, he’d gone on his first date with another man. He doesn’t want to think about all the mistakes he’s made, all the stupid thing he’s agreed to, the way he’d gone home with this man, the way he’d let himself be undressed.
The way he’d hated every moment of it.
The way he hates himself now, just a little.
He doesn’t notice Vera as he approaches the store. He’s closed today, the hours have been the same for the entire time his family had owned the store and he doesn’t expect anyone to be there. Maybe she isn’t waiting to get inside, maybe she’s only passing by, but she’s suddenly right there at his elbow, looking at him in concern.
“Joel,” she says.
“Don’t,” he answers, pulling his arm away from her. It isn’t fair. He’s angry with himself, not with her, but he can’t stand her kindness right now. He can’t take any of this. Her worried expression just twists that spike of self-hate deeper into his chest.
“Please don’t,” he begs, shrinking against his door. “Please don’t. I just need to go home.”
“Joel,” she says again, her voice so gentle and Joel swipes the back of his hand across his eyes.
“Don’t. I’m poison.”
The look she gives him then nearly breaks his heart, but he holds himself steady and simply stares back at her, waiting for her to say something, waiting for her to disagree with him, waiting for her challenge. He can meet it. He can raise himself up to it and take it down.
Over the years she’s spent so much time trying to get him to meet Spencer, he knows that. And maybe it’s just that she thinks they’d be friends. Maybe she sees the similarities in them, but Joel suspects it’s more than that. He’s certain that Vera has known right from the start how Joel feels about her son, he thinks she’s seen the way Joel looks at Spencer even if Spencer never has.
He thinks she might think the idea of the two of them being together isn’t such a bad one, but Joel knows better. He knows so much better. If he were to go anywhere near Spencer, if he were to allow himself to get close to him, closer still to Vera, he knows what would happen. He knows he’d tear their lives apart without even meaning to.
He’d meant it. He’s poison.
And in order to make himself understood, he has to be cruel.
“You can’t make me better by trying to drag me into your life,” he says, his voice low and hard. “I don’t need a mother, Vera, I already have one.”
He can see the hurt in her eyes and although he wants to apologize, he doesn’t. He won’t. If he stops even for a moment, he just puts them all at risk. If there’s one thing Joel knows to be true, it’s that he can’t be trusted.
“Go home,” he says, unlocking the front door of the store. Without looking back, he closes it in her face.
-
The next time he sees her, it’s the picture they use for her obituary.
-
The next time he sees Spencer is at her funeral.
He hadn’t read the stories in the paper. He hadn’t been able to. He hadn’t realized Dane had been killed as well and standing there at the service, it feels like there’s a stone in his chest. There aren’t many people in Siren Cove who had been kind to him, but Vera Waters had been one of the kindest and the last time he’d spoken to her, he’d told her to leave.
All he’d wanted was to protect her from the problems he knows he’ll bring with him. And now she’s gone anyway. He’d upset her, he’d hurt her, and she’s still gone.
And Spencer is alone.
Joel stands near the back of the service and watches Spencer. He doesn’t cry and Joel doesn’t blame him. He hasn’t been able to shed a tear despite the guilt that’s been constantly gnawing at his chest since he heard the news. But Spencer doesn’t cry. He remains dry eyed, stoic, he doesn’t really speak to anyone and so Joel doesn’t approach. There’s no point. He’d meant what he said to Vera; he’s poison, he’d only make this worse for Spencer and so he doesn’t go anywhere near him.
Before the service ends, he slips out. The best thing for everyone would be for him to stay as far away from Spencer Waters as possible.
-
It isn’t hard.
It’s not possible to stay away from him completely. The town isn’t big enough for that, but Joel only catches sight of him in public places, which works well enough. He doesn’t go to the library and Spencer doesn’t come into his store and so they never have to be near each other.
It’s when they’re both buying coffee that Joel will allow himself just a moment to pretend things might have been different. The girl at the counter flirts with Spencer, though he never seems to notice, and Joel thinks about what it might have been like if he’d let Vera convince him to have a booth with the library at the festival that year. He wonders if they’d be here together, if maybe his fingers would be slipping under the hem of Spencer’s shirt, stroking lightly against the skin of his lower back.
He wonders if maybe he wouldn’t have to look across the room at him and think about how good he looks in the morning sunlight. Maybe he’d be able to say it. Lean closer and brush a gentle kiss against that perfect cheekbone.
Maybe.
Maybe his life could have been happy if he hadn’t made such mistakes.
Spencer takes his banana bread and coffee and when he passes Joel, their eyes meet for just a second.
Joel’s heart twists and he wonders how long he’s been in love with him without knowing. How long has it really been.
It doesn’t matter.
-
He’s going to die standing out in the open like he is.
There’s a Hydra rampaging through their town and Spencer stands on the steps of the library and all Joel can think is that he’s going to die. One by one, the Waters family has died and it’s only standing here, watching Spencer put himself right in the line of danger that Joel finally realizes what he’d said to Vera all those years ago isn’t true. He might be poison, he might be a memory Shediac wants to forget.
But he can change that. He doesn’t have to stay this way.
And he can’t just stand here and let Spencer die. He owes Vera that much.
He closes the distance between them at a sprint, throwing up his hand at the same without thought. Some people in town know he’s a witch — Cosette, Lara, and Coop — but he keeps it a secret as much as he can. Here, though, he raises a barrier without thinking because he has to. Because the Hydra smashes a building and sends debris flying in Spencer’s direction and if any of it hits him, it’s going to kill him.
So Joel throws up the barrier and grabs Spencer by the back of his neck.
It’s not how he imagined touching him, not all those times he closes his eyes and leaned back against his closed apartment doors and wishes to forget the librarian’s son. It’s not at all what he’s thought about, but the touch feels electric all the same. He’s angry and scared and so in love he can’t see straight.
“Back inside,” he says, his voice rough.
And Spencer turns his gaze toward Joel, scared, shaking with adrenaline. They look at each other and Joel’s grip relaxes against the back of his neck, but he knows. They look at each other and Joel knows in a second.
He’s in too deep.
There’s no going back.
And somewhere, wherever she might be, he imagines Vera saying, Finally.
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