Every day, Spencer seems to find something else to add to the list of why he loves his husband. That Joel suggests something akin to a competition with unsuspecting participants as the choice method to find their baby's guardian is immediately added to said list because of course they'd have to screen their closest friends before making such an important decision. "Do you even know how much I love you?" he asks, his tone teasing. "That's exactly what we'll do and after we've had the chance to watch after the way people are with the baby, we'll compare notes." Because they're both sure to have notes.
It's at the mention of adding stress when it comes to grandfather that Spencer's smile fades a little. "I just..." He trails off with a sigh, feeling a bit embarrassed even though he knows there's no reason for it. Joel has never judged him for anything, not what he's said or what he's felt, and Spencer knows he can tell his husband absolutely anything without having to fear what sort of reaction he'll get. His biggest problem lies in the fact that he has absolutely no clue where to begin with this, and he wishes so badly that he could just beg Joel to tell him what to do, but it isn't his husband's burden to bear. He looks over at Joel with a sheepish expression before lowering his eyes back down to the ground as he walks along side the cart.
"I'm afraid that even if he does agree to meet with me, it'll only turn out to be a huge disappointment," he admits, cringing because even to himself, it sounds so childish. "I know that I can't really call him family in anything other than blood, and I know that he's spent almost my entire life not being there, but he's still my grandfather. He's the one connection to my father that I left and the thought of having him show up here just to wish that he'd stayed away... It'd just be another loss."
That's what it really comes down to, he supposes, it's what it's always come down to when it comes to his tendency to keep people at arm's length. He'd resisted acknowledging his feelings for Joel for as long as he had because he'd been afraid of letting someone get that close to him only to lose them. He can't go through what he had with his family again, he simply can't, and certainly not with Joel. It would most assuredly ruin him, and it's something he tries not to think about often but some days, he can't quite help it. He shakes his head at himself, at the dark turn he's dangerously close to taking in his mind, and scrubs a hand over his face. "God, I'm being an idiot, aren't I? I need to either do it or give up the idea altogether, it's not doing me any good just to worry about it like this when we have so many other things that need our attention."
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It's at the mention of adding stress when it comes to grandfather that Spencer's smile fades a little. "I just..." He trails off with a sigh, feeling a bit embarrassed even though he knows there's no reason for it. Joel has never judged him for anything, not what he's said or what he's felt, and Spencer knows he can tell his husband absolutely anything without having to fear what sort of reaction he'll get. His biggest problem lies in the fact that he has absolutely no clue where to begin with this, and he wishes so badly that he could just beg Joel to tell him what to do, but it isn't his husband's burden to bear. He looks over at Joel with a sheepish expression before lowering his eyes back down to the ground as he walks along side the cart.
"I'm afraid that even if he does agree to meet with me, it'll only turn out to be a huge disappointment," he admits, cringing because even to himself, it sounds so childish. "I know that I can't really call him family in anything other than blood, and I know that he's spent almost my entire life not being there, but he's still my grandfather. He's the one connection to my father that I left and the thought of having him show up here just to wish that he'd stayed away... It'd just be another loss."
That's what it really comes down to, he supposes, it's what it's always come down to when it comes to his tendency to keep people at arm's length. He'd resisted acknowledging his feelings for Joel for as long as he had because he'd been afraid of letting someone get that close to him only to lose them. He can't go through what he had with his family again, he simply can't, and certainly not with Joel. It would most assuredly ruin him, and it's something he tries not to think about often but some days, he can't quite help it. He shakes his head at himself, at the dark turn he's dangerously close to taking in his mind, and scrubs a hand over his face. "God, I'm being an idiot, aren't I? I need to either do it or give up the idea altogether, it's not doing me any good just to worry about it like this when we have so many other things that need our attention."