Joel Waters-Baker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
just_another) wrote2015-02-07 02:15 pm
just_another) wrote2015-02-07 02:15 pm
[closed - Spencer]
They've been in the store for approximately seven minutes and Joel is already wondering if this was such a good idea. It's necessary, he knows that. There are things they need to buy and with the baby a mere five months away, he knows putting it off any longer isn't the smartest decision. Soon enough the due date is going to be next week instead of five months from now, and he knows if they put things off it'll all just rush toward them like an oncoming train and there won't be a thing they can do to stop it. So they need to be here, they need to be shopping and thinking about what to do with the nursery and finalizing plans.
But Joel isn't sure they're going to make it out of the store with their bank accounts in tact.
Spencer has never given any indication that he's an especially excessive man. Joel would have adjusted to it if he had been, although it would have been strange. For someone who has spent most of his life counting pennies and taking care to always budget, it's been a bit of an adjustment to not have to do so anymore. Even though it isn't necessary, he still makes budgets and tries to follow them as best he can. Crossroads is on a strict budget and Joel makes sure they never spend more than he's allotted, because now that they're going to have a child -- children, possibly, one day -- they have to put money away for their future and he's been very diligent about this.
But it's different from the way he'd grown up. He's figured it out and made it work and he's adjusted his mentality when it comes to money, but it's taken some effort. It's been made easier by the fact that Spencer isn't the type to overspend, not by a long shot. He's had more money than Joel, but at a real price, one Joel wouldn't wish on anyone, no matter what the sum of money they got in return. And yet, despite having that money at his fingertips, he's still generally frugal enough that Joel hasn't had much of an adjustment to make.
Except when it comes to toys for their as yet unborn child. The bear Spencer had ordered had been absurd enough, but as Joel pushes a cart through the store, he looks down to see what Spencer has added and it's interesting to note there's a swaddling blanket -- just one -- buried under a pile of stuffed toys.
This is his life now, he thinks with a smile. He might as well get used to it.
But Joel isn't sure they're going to make it out of the store with their bank accounts in tact.
Spencer has never given any indication that he's an especially excessive man. Joel would have adjusted to it if he had been, although it would have been strange. For someone who has spent most of his life counting pennies and taking care to always budget, it's been a bit of an adjustment to not have to do so anymore. Even though it isn't necessary, he still makes budgets and tries to follow them as best he can. Crossroads is on a strict budget and Joel makes sure they never spend more than he's allotted, because now that they're going to have a child -- children, possibly, one day -- they have to put money away for their future and he's been very diligent about this.
But it's different from the way he'd grown up. He's figured it out and made it work and he's adjusted his mentality when it comes to money, but it's taken some effort. It's been made easier by the fact that Spencer isn't the type to overspend, not by a long shot. He's had more money than Joel, but at a real price, one Joel wouldn't wish on anyone, no matter what the sum of money they got in return. And yet, despite having that money at his fingertips, he's still generally frugal enough that Joel hasn't had much of an adjustment to make.
Except when it comes to toys for their as yet unborn child. The bear Spencer had ordered had been absurd enough, but as Joel pushes a cart through the store, he looks down to see what Spencer has added and it's interesting to note there's a swaddling blanket -- just one -- buried under a pile of stuffed toys.
This is his life now, he thinks with a smile. He might as well get used to it.
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He can see the slight raise of a brow every time he looks out of the corner of his eye after throwing another plus or crib toy or whatever it is that he's decided the baby will need but Joel hasn't said a word about any of it--except for that initial question of whether Spencer's sure they really need a yellow elephant and a baby blue one, which had been met only with a challenging gaze before he'd proceeded to grab a green one from the shelf and toss that into the cart, too--and to be completely honest, he's being just slightly bratty on this visit to the store.
The thing is that Spencer's nervous. What if the baby doesn't find the yellow or blue or green elephant aesthetically pleasing enough by the time he or she is old enough to form a three-dimensional view of the world and by the time they've realized the problem, it's three in the morning, and they can't very well go out to buy a new elephant in the right color at three in the morning. Or what if they can but the right color is out of stock or doesn't exist at all? What if the real solution is simply buying one of everything in this store, that can't possibly be out of the question, can it?
Of course it can. "Oh, god," he groans, scrubbing his face with his hands and holding a hand out so Joel stops pushing the cart. Spencer reaches for the blue and green elephants, pegging the yellow as the most neutral of the three, before placing them back in their rightful spots on the shelves and turning to his husband with a sheepish, crooked smile on his face. "I'm getting carried away, aren't I? You know what the Pinterest boards look like, you've seen the registries, shopping for the baby has become ninety percent of my life." He takes a step closer to Joel and presses a lingering kiss to his cheek, resting his hand over his husband's on the cart. "I'm probably going to add about a hundred more toys to replace those two elephants, by the way, so I'm really going to need you to keep me in line."
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He glances down at the cart again and grins in amusement before looking back to Spencer. "Maybe we should buy some clothes and other necessities before we continue populating the entire nursery with toys. At this rate there won't be any room for the baby in the baby's room." They have time, they have a lot of things left to do, but standing in this store with a cart full of toys, Joel realizes he's ready for this. He's really ready for having a baby, for starting a family with Spencer. He's ready to be a father and there will be times when he's absolutely terrified by what's to come, but right here in this moment, he's completely ready.
"Besides, have I ever been able to say no to you?" he points out as he leans in to kiss Spencer's cheek, then begins to steer the cart down another aisle. This one is filled with bath time supplies. Little plastic tubs for them to use with the newborn, when he or she will still be too small for the regular tub. Baby shampoo. Gentle wash clothes and soft hooded towels. There are toys, too, of course, and Joel looks at them, waiting for Spencer to zero in on them and try to decide which ones would be most beneficial to bath time as Joel checks out the little tubs to see what the benefits are of each one. "If you tell me we need a certain toy for whatever reason, you know perfectly well I'm going to agree with you simply because you're you."
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While Joel is observing the tubs, Spencer gathers a generous supply of some of the softest wash cloths he's ever touched, along with several bathrobes for newborns that nearly make him burst into tears because of how perfectly precious they are. "Joel, look at these," he says, holding the owl and shark robes up in each hand for his husband to see. "Will the baby grow out of these in a few months? Yes. Are they absolutely necessary and do we obviously need them? Of course. Just picture the baby in either one of these, god, we're going to be wrapped around that little finger the second we meet him or her."
He lays the robes and washcloths gently in the cart, as if handling something exceptionally fragile, and gazes at them for far too long a moment. The due date is already fast approaching and even though their baby is still five months away from arriving, Spencer can feel the pressure. It's not an uncomfortable pressure, it's purely excitement--maybe with some nerves mixed in here and there--because there's nothing he wants more in this world than a future with his husband and child. Occasionally, he still has moments that stop him in his tracks when he remembers that this is life, that is what he's chosen, that he's with a man who's chosen him to do this with when he'd been quite certain that marriage and parenthood were two things he'd never take on; but he's never been happier, every single day is another that he thinks he's the happiest he's ever been, but Joel keeps surprising him. Joel surprises him all the time with just a word or a look or a touch, and Spencer is more than ready to start this new chapter in their lives with him. If only five months wasn't so close yet so far.
"The First Years Sure Comfort Deluxe tub was the number one mothers' choice for last year," he says, stepping forward to rest his chin on Joel's shoulder as they scan the selections on display. "There's a sling for newborns but we can keep using it as the baby gets older. Plus, there's a drain plug that changes color if the water gets too hot." He pauses, chuckling softly at himself. "You'd think I work for the company."
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"That's the one I was leaning toward based on my research," he answers, tipping his head to the side so he can nuzzle gently against Spencer's face. He's completely unaware of anyone else in the store at all, though someone behind them laughs softly, kindly, and Joel doesn't register even for a second that it might be because of them. He never really thinks about what they might look like to an outsider, not anymore, he's far too wrapped up in the life they're building. With the demon gone, with his ribs and his hand healed, he feels like he's finally able to really offer Spencer everything he deserves and as a result everything else has simply melted away.
And it's not at all surprising to him that they've both done research into the different types of tubs they should get for their baby. They've both proven themselves to be meticulous in other areas of their lives and when it comes to this, the single most important thing Joel thinks he will ever do, he knows they both want to make sure they're as prepared and knowledgeable as possible. They're bound to make mistakes, but he's hoping those mistakes will be few and far between, that they've educated themselves enough that none of the mistakes will be significant.
And if he's honest, he really can't wait to be doing this hands on. Research is fine and Joel does love to read, but he feels himself growing impatient. He's itching to hold their baby and he's driving himself crazy thinking of using the little tub for the first time, wrapping their child in one of those robes Spencer has placed in the cart. "If you didn't do so much reading about these things, you wouldn't be the man I wanted to do this with," he says, then presses a quick kiss to Spencer's temple before he reaches for the box the tub comes in.
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They haven't talked much more on the subject of having a second baby other than to say it's a possibility, but Spencer hasn't been thinking of it much except for here and there when he imagines how lovely it would be to be pushing their kids side-by-side out on the swings in the park or what a sight it would make for each of them to be carrying one of their children on their shoulders on the way home from work. It warms him from the inside out, makes him smile so widely that his cheeks actually start to hurt, and he lets out a soft chuckle as he ducks his head to hide the flush that's coloring his face and neck. He's not embarrassed about what he's thinking, not by any means, but Spencer thinks it's much easier to get carried away when he's so excited about being here in the first place.
"I could get used to this," he says, tone light and teasing as he smiles softly at the kiss. "The store is doing well, the nursery and renovations have come along nicely, and our biggest worry is making sure we get the right tub or crib or car seat for the baby. We do need to have a proper car seat before the baby arrives, the hospital won't let us leave without one." Granted, it's not as if either one of them plan on slacking when it comes to things they absolutely need, they both have their lists and have compared notes on what's going to be best. He doesn't think that would come as a great surprise to anyone, it's even less surprising that for the most part, they've arrived at the same conclusions about what they're looking for when it comes to what they ought to buy.
It's one of the many reasons why this hasn't been as stressful as Spencer thinks it could be for some people, he and Joel simply tend to be harmonious in their ways of thinking and there isn't ever much disagreement between them. Even when they do have different opinions, neither of them are quick to snappily defend themselves because there's never any harm meant between them. His husband has never once gone out of his way to make him feel badly about himself, not even when they're perhaps a little frustrated with each other, which happens incredibly rarely considering they're with each other for most hours of the day, every day of the week. There's just nowhere else he'd rather be, and Spencer knows the same is true of Joel. They'd spent years actively staying away from people until they'd met and realized they couldn't possibly spend much time away from each other, it would have been like denying two objects their magnetic pull.
"I'm fearing the clothing aisle," Spencer admits with a shake of his head as they push the cart down the aisle. He reaches for several bottles of different brands of baby shampoo, along with some other bath products, and drops them into the car without much of a second thought. They can sift through the bottles later, determine which ones will be better for the baby in terms of being most hypoallergenic, but he's strangely content enough for now to not bother with making an actual choice quite yet. "Rather, I fear for my credit card when we get to the clothing aisle. You think I'm being bad with the toys? All the little onesies are going to be a complete disaster for me."
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"Spencer, I think facing this area of the store might be the hardest thing we've ever had to do as a couple. We have to go in there strong and promise each other we're not going to drive ourselves to bankruptcy because of how adorable the tiny biker boots are." Joel is trying to make a point, but he sees the little black boots complete with round silver studs on them and he can feel all his resolve melting. Especially since the boots are on display next to tiny sneakers, which are one display next to tiny little white patent leather dress shoes. He knows they need to keep their choices gender neutral, but he has to admit the little white shoes are especially sweet.
The socks are the worst, however, and Joel is pushing the cart toward them before he even realizes what he's doing. There are all sorts of different socks. The plain ones are cute enough just because of how small they are, but then Joel sees the coloured pairs, the ones with designs on them and he sighs heavily as he picks up a package of socks with bears on them. "They're so small," he says, staring down at them before he looks at Spencer and holds the socks out toward him. "Our baby's feet are going to be so small."
He's thought of it, of course, he's aware of the average size of a newborn, but somehow it's the socks that drive it home. Just how tiny their baby will be, how small he or she will feel in Joel's arms. How vulnerable and fragile, how careful Joel will have to be. He's not a small man and he's never been accused of being especially gentle and suddenly he's afraid he won't be able to be soft enough for their baby. That his hands, perfect for the renovations, perfect for building, will be too big to properly hold and comfort their baby. "So small," he says again, looking suddenly worried.
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He reaches out for one pair of tiny shoes in particular, eyes wide and wet as he holds them up for Joel to see just as his husband holds up a tiny pair of socks, and he lets out a strangled cross between a sob and a laugh. "Tiny socks to go with the tiny Chucks for our tiny baby, I think this might be the end of me." He's already exchanging the display Chucks for a box, setting it in the cart with a pleased smile until it falters when he sees the look on Joel's face.
There's worry there that hasn't been present up until this particular moment, and the fact that his husband has repeated the words 'so small' a few times now finally catches up with him. "Hey," he says softly, taking the socks Joel's holding out to him and setting them aside so he can take his husband's hands in his own. "We predicted this would happen more than a few times as we get closer and closer to the due date, remember? I'm supposed to remind you of a conversation, the one we had after we got married and decided this was right for us. 'Remind me that I sat here and calmly agreed that we're going to be good at this,' that's what you said, and I don't have the glass of whiskey you requested but you have my promise that we are."
There have been moments when Spencer has stopped in the middle of re-shelving and the store and realizes all over again that they're going to be fathers. Most times, it only brings an enormous smile to his face that lifts his spirits high enough to be noticeably different. Other times, it makes him nervous, it makes him anxious to get back to work on the nursery as if five months is suddenly going to become five days overnight and to be completely honest, it's starting to feel that way. He has no idea where the time's gone, how they've gotten to be at nearly the halfway point, and Erin's showing now without question. He's caught himself staring at her belly more than a few times, and she never seems to mind, only laughs in the good-natured and understanding way she does everything else when it comes to meeting with them, and Spencer is so thankful that they'd found her.
"Our baby," Spencer continues, turning Joel's palms up in his hands, "is going to fit perfectly in your arms and when we meet him or her, you're going to know exactly what to do. I don't need to be able to read your mind to know that you're panicking right now but listen to me, we're going to be good fathers. Look at us, we're already being good fathers, we already love this baby more than anything in the world and in five months, we'll be the two happiest men in Siren Cove all over again." He leans in to press a gentle kiss to Joel's lips, lowering their hands so he can wraps Joel's arms around his own waist. "We wouldn't be doing this if we weren't ready, if we didn't think it was the right time or if we didn't believe we could be good at it. But you're going to be an incredible father, I know you are because you're such an incredible husband, and you always know exactly what to do to take care of me. The same will be true when the baby arrives."
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"I know," he says with a soft laugh and squeezes his arms around Spencer gently. "I know. Thank you." They'll make it work, regardless of any insecurities he feels. Spencer won't let him really doubt himself for long and he knows once the baby comes, he'll be too caught up in actually being a father to worry about the little things like whether or not his hands are too big and clumsy to carry the baby properly. There will be diapers to change and feedings at two in the morning. They'll be tired and stressed out, but happy and whole, and Joel is sure once the baby is actually here that everything will change. Nothing he's been imagining will be the same, nothing will be what he expects it to be. They're going to have any entirely different life and there won't be room for worries like this. Not when they'll have much bigger worries.
"We're going to be good fathers," he echoes. "I can't imagine you would ever want to do something like this with someone you didn't think was going to be good at it." And he can take real comfort in that. It's true. Spencer is a good man and Joel has no doubt that he's going to be an excellent father. He knows Spencer wouldn't want someone who couldn't deliver the same, that he'll expect Joel to be just as good as he is, and that gives him a fair bit of confidence he might not have otherwise had. If Spencer believes in him, there must be a good reason for that and he lets that reminder fill him up until he's smiling and then he nods and leans in to kiss Spencer once more. They're in public, but he thinks a big portion of the people here in the store are in the same situation they are, happy and in love and expecting a child, and he thinks they'll be forgiven for the little public displays of affection they're exchanging right here.
He grins and kisses Spencer once more, then reaches out to pick up the socks once more, setting them in the cart with everything else they've picked up so far. For some reason those socks had made it so real for Joel in a way he hasn't experienced yet and he wants to keep them. He'll want to keep them forever, so that when their child is an adult, he can take out those tiny socks and present them and say, This is when I realized you were really happening. And he'll say it's when he was terrified, too, that he was suddenly convinced he couldn't do this, but Joel doesn't think that's such a bad thing. For something to have become real in that manner is scary and he thinks that's okay. So long as he has Spencer here to bring him back.
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If they hadn't crossed paths in front of the library, if Joel hadn't stopped that debris from raining down on him, Spencer simply wouldn't be here. He'd be gone, long gone, and the same can be said about a few more incidents that had happened on the way to this moment, to being in this store and choosing all the things that they want to provide for the child they've decided to bring into this world. Five months from now, they'll be slipping those tiny socks onto their tiny baby's feet, rocking him or her to sleep in the middle of the night. They'll be exhausted, they'll likely snap here and there, but they'll both know it doesn't matter. Spencer knows they'll succeed at parenthood because for the first time in his life, he loves someone enough to be confident that together, they're capable of doing absolutely anything.
"Is this going to become a problem?" he teases, grabbing another set of distressingly adorable socks to toss into the cart. "Am I going to have to keep you far, far away from any and all baby socks just to make sure that I don't come home one day to a dresser overflowing with them?" Never mind the fact that Spencers's quite sure a massive breakdown will be due any second now that they're surrounded by a selection of onesies, it's much more entertaining for him to poke fun at Joel's displays of excitement because he knows his own when it comes to toys has been considerably ridiculous so far.
It's then that he stops in his tracks because he sees it, an adorable dinosaur onesie that is similar to something he'd seen online, and he makes a beeline right for it. "Oh, god, we have to get this," he says, reaching for a newborn size and holding it out in front of him to admire. It's unbelievable to him that any human being could possibly fit into something like this but their baby will, without a doubt, and Spencer has already spotted a dozen more themed onesies that he'll have absolutely no problem adding to the cart. "How much do you think our child will hate us when he or she's old enough to realize what painfully embarrassing fathers we are?"
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They absolutely need his sister to help them with this. She'll be straightforward and she'll force Joel to return the things they don't need, no matter how much he complains about it and complain he will. He's lucky she's moved back here, because apparently he and Spencer need someone to keep them from buying an entire store. For a little while he had thought he would be the strong one, the one who stuck to a budget, who considered each and every pro and con of each and every possible item they could buy, but it turns out he's not even remotely close to being the strong one. He and Spencer just have different areas of weakness, which works against them, too. If they were weak about the same things, at least there might only be one or two areas where they were going overboard instead of everything.
"I may have bought something like that a few nights ago," he admits. "But I can't remember, so you should probably get it anyway." He doubts Spencer is going to argue that maybe they should just leave it if it's possible one is already coming to them. The store is close enough and Joel is far too meticulous to ever throw out their receipts, so he'll be able to return it if he has to.
"Do you remember my mother saying she wanted to throw us a baby shower?" he asks as he flicks through a few little outfits on a nearby rack. There are sweet little dresses and adorable suits and ties, and as much as he doesn't want to force any sort of gender stereotypes on their child, he has to admit they're all adorable. Nothing they can buy yet, not when they don't know if they're having a boy or a girl, but he keeps them in mind and he's sure they'll find a reason to come back here after the baby is born. Even if it's only for a special occasion.
"And at the time I told you to trust me," he continues. "Or I said it with my eyes, anyway, and I'm lucky that I've found someone who understands me when I just look at them." With a little smile, he picks out a tiny white sweater with a penguin on the front and adds it to the cart without even asking Spencer because he knows the answer. It will always be yes. "I'm thinking what we do is make sure to invite Erin. Everyone loves a pregnant woman and it's a baby shower, so most of their focus will be on her, even though she isn't keeping the baby. But if we do have the shower, we should probably make an attempt to curtail our spending right now."
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There's a part of him that wants to, that doesn't want to stop doing this because it's actually quite fun to walk through the shop with his husband in preparation for their baby, pointing things out to each other that maybe one of them hadn't considered needing yet; but he knows that Joel is right. If they don't take a bit of a break on this now, all they'll have left on their registries will be diapers, diapers, and more diapers. Not necessarily the worst gift they could get, Spencer thinks, but he's also a bit curious to see what their friends would get aside from that. He likes that they'd chosen not to learn the sex, it's going to force people to think a little more out of the box, and that might just turn out to be immensely helpful to two brand new fathers.
"Fine," Spencer huffs dramatically, throwing his arms up in defeat and dropping them back to his sides, though not before reaching for just one more onesie and casually tossing it into the cart without another word about it. He finally looks over at Joel with an arched brow and an impish grin, almost as if he's issuing a challenge for his husband to say anything about that last onesie, but before Joel can say anything, Spencer leans in to give him a quick peck on his cheek. "So this baby shower you speak of and I have absolutely no memory of hearing about, none whatsoever, do we actually have to be there for it?"
He's only teasing, of course, and he gives Joel a playful nudge to the side as they fall into stride together, taking great pains to ignore the tiny, newborn coats that they certainly aren't going to need for a summer baby. Spencer actually greatly appreciates that his mother-in-law is taking on the baby shower responsibility on her own because he knows he'd feel terribly awkward about organizing one himself. Obviously, it wouldn't be fair to get Erin to come to the party only to disappear from it themselves, but Spencer does wish they could have that option. He's never been keen on parties, neither of them have, and it'll help to have Erin there to distract the focus but Spencer can already sense how badly he's going to want to leave after what's likely to be just a short period of time.
"Did your mother text you asking about themes, too?" he asks. "I didn't even realize baby showers had themes, isn't that it's for a baby theme enough?"
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Even so, with as protective as she tends to be, he's not going to leave her to face their family and friends on her own. He's just hoping she might be willing to bear the majority of the attention. He's also hoping he's right in making the assumption that everyone will be far more interested in the woman who's actually pregnant instead of the two men who will be raising the baby after he or she is born. If he's way off base, then he's agreed to do something he's sure he's going to regret.
Or maybe he won't. While he and Spencer aren't exactly excessively social and have a tendency to disappear into themselves for the most part, there's a good chance they might enjoy something like that anyway. Simply because it's about their baby rather than being about them. They may be the centre of attention, but indirectly, in a way that Joel thinks might just make him very aware of what's going to be changing for the two of them.
"She's texted me about several themes," Joel says as he guides the cart toward the checkout, because if they continue in this store for much longer, they're going to go bankrupt. "Pirates and dinosaurs and jungle theme were her top picks as of the last time I spoke with her, but I do believe a princess party was near the top of the list, too. I'm not sure how one has a princess party without a child to put in a crown, but I'm only hoping it doesn't mean we have to be the ones wearing the crowns." After he had asked that very question, his mother had huffed in irritation and had changed the name to a royalty party, but Joel still knows what she really means.
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"Princesses," Spencer repeats, humming in amusement. "Are you sure that wasn't your father's idea? He seems to be very keen on the baby being a girl, and your mother keeps accidentally calling the baby a 'he.' Maybe she could combine it somehow, dinosaur princesses? Do you think she'd be on board with something like that?" He realizes he's not taking this very seriously, to the point that Ellie had actually huffed with frustration at him over the phone the other day--though he's certain he'd heard Brian laughing in the background--but if he's going to be subjected to being at a party, Spencer supposes he should at least make the most of it by poking fun at his mother-in-law. It's what he would have done to his mother, and she'd have been just at frustrated with him as Ellie.
Something in his chest twists as he thinks on that, on how well the two women would have gotten along if life hadn't taken such a cruel turn. If he and Joel had just met a few years earlier, they would have at least all been able to have a bit of time together, his mother and Dane would have been able to see how much brighter Spencer is with a man like Joel in his life, maybe they would have even met their grandchild and niece or nephew. It saddens him, to be sure, knowing that his own child will never know two of the people he's loved most in the world, but there's still a bit of comfort in realizing that he can picture exactly how his family would have reacted to all of this. It's reflected very much in the way the Bakers are with him, which has just been added to the endless list of reasons why he's so very lucky to have married Joel.
"Maybe it won't be so awful," he says, one hand hovering over an offensively cute stuffed giraffe before snatching it back--though he does reach for it once his fingers have brushed against the remarkably stuffed fur on the toy and if Joel notices, Spencer hopes his husband will allow him just this last thing. He slips his hands in his pockets just to keep himself from throwing anything else in the cart because Joel is right, they really should be saving some of these things for other people to bring them at the shower, and skips ahead a couple so he can turn to face his husband as he walks backwards with a smile. "As long as everyone behaves and doesn't try to touch her stomach without permission, of course, I don't want to be slapping wrists all day. And you, you're not going to be allowed to leave me alone for even a second."
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He's never been a particularly bratty son. He'd never felt the urge to tease either of his parents or give them a hard time and not only because he's been fairly serious for most of his life. Charlotte had been a handful from the time she was born and Joel sometimes wonders if he hasn't attempt to overcompensate in some ways, if maybe he's gone out of his way to be easier for his parents to handle because his sister was always getting into trouble or falling out of trees or coming into the house screaming at the top of her lungs that the neighbour's cat had scratched her and she was going to kill it. And while Charlotte has always been the one they had to go running after, Joel finds that he's enjoying this new sort of relationship he's developing with his parents. They're no longer quite so worried about him and he's no longer entirely bent on keeping everyone out of his life and it's resulting in a lightness he's never really known before.
Once more, all the positive changes in his life loop right back around to Spencer. Without him, Joel's parents would still be worrying. Without him, he knows he wouldn't be able to make these jokes or laugh about things with his mother the way he's starting to. Without Spencer, this entire life wouldn't exist and Joel smiles over at him, happy and affectionate.
"No, you're right, we'll have to make a very specific no touch policy. Maybe we can build her a fence," he says. It isn't his body, but the thought of anyone touching Erin's stomach without her permission makes him wrinkle his nose slightly. He certainly hopes people aren't doing that to her already and not only because it's their baby growing inside her. There's nothing in the world he wouldn't give to make sure she is as comfortable as possible during this entire pregnancy and that includes not being touched without her permission.
"Do people really do that?" he asks as they get in line. "That seems so presumptuous and... well, it seems awfully creepy, too. What person wants to be touched by strangers at any time, never mind when they're pregnant and possibly in a vulnerable state?"
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Right now, their lives are considerably... well, he supposes 'normal' isn't quite the word for it but it's close enough, whatever 'normal' really means. Raleigh's plans to find her own place have moved steadily forward, freeing up the room closest to theirs for the nursery and while that doesn't mean much in terms of the room layout, it still requires a bit of rethinking. Still, Joel is Joel and that means he's been busying himself with ideas for furniture to build not only for the nursery but for Raleigh's new apartment, whenever she finds it, and Spencer is quite sure his husband is probably overworking himself but Joel would never admit to it. That only makes all of this that much important to focus on because Spencer doesn't have the kinds of skills that Joel does when it comes to building or renovating or anything like that, really; he's always been much better at using his head than his hands. Most of the time, anyway.
"In any case, I'm sure Erin developed a way to avoid unwanted poking and prodding after having her first baby, though I wouldn't necessarily mind if she gave us permission to yell at anyone who gets too close to her." He hates the idea of anyone making Erin uncomfortable, though she somehow seems to be the one more concerned with taking care of them than the other way around sometimes, but Spencer just thinks that reinforces the fact that they'd made the very best choice in a surrogate. She isn't simply going through the motions, it hadn't just been about the money for her. She'd wanted to give the most incredible of gifts to them, and Spencer knows they'll forever be in her debt for that. Part of how they can hope to repay her is to at least make sure she's comfortable while she's carrying the baby.
Ultimately, Spencer's confident that at least at the baby shower, she'll be okay. Their friends are respectful people, kind people, they wouldn't be considered friends otherwise, and he has to admit that the more he thinks about what the shower will be like, the more accustomed he gets to the idea. It's not something he'd ever have done for them himself, but they have a family who loves them, who wants to celebrate the newest member, and Spencer can't find the heart to deny them that.
"It'll be fine," Spencer decides with a firm nod, as if that's enough to make it true, and he turns to look at Joel with a bright smile. "You'll have to find just the right balance in talking to your mother about the shower, you know. If you appear too eager, she's just going to want to throw parties for us all the time and if you don't make yourself sound interested, it'll just upset her." He presses a quick kiss to Joel's cheek, following it with a soft laugh. "No pressure, of course."
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He'll never be like his father, though. While he may be generally quiet and while there are those who might think of him as kind, he knows he's much more like his mother. A little more prickly, a little more prone to snapping when something doesn't go their way. A little more high strung with a tendency to worry. Overbearing in some ways, too aloof in others. But for all the bad qualities he knows he shares with his mother, he knows he shares her good ones, too. The fact that she'll do anything for the people she loves, her loyalty, the fierce protective streak that means no one under her care will ever feel anything but loved and safe. Joel might not always see the best in himself, but when he looks at his mother, it's easier for him to recognize all the traits they share and it's a little easier to acknowledge that he might not be quite the terrible person he's often made himself out to be. She gives him that.
"You know, if we offer to do small things like make the guest list or create a specific registry just for the party, she'll probably be much more wiling to listen to some of our other suggestions," he points out, purposely not watching the register as their purchases are being rung through. He smiles faintly, a little nervously at the cashier, then turns his attention back to Spencer. "And if we offer to take care of the guest list for her, then at least we would have complete control over who is invited." There's no guarantee she won't completely change the list once they hand it to her, but maybe Joel can manage to assign the invitations to Charlotte and while he knows his sister likes to mess with both him and Spencer, he also knows he can count on her to truly be on their side whenever it counts. If he asked her not to change the guest list and only send invitations to the people on it, he knows she would do that. They're nothing alike in terms of their social tendencies, but somehow Charlotte still tends to understand his need for a quieter atmosphere better than a lot of people. It's partly due to whatever physic connection they share, but Joel thinks it's more than just that. He thinks his sister is just a hell of a lot more understanding than most people realize.
"We can do the guest list and ask Charlotte to do the invitations," he says. "That way my mother won't change the list at all. That keeps the party limited to the people we really want to see there instead of twenty-five of my mother's closest friends from neighbouring towns who want to see who little Joel Baker finally ended up with." He remembers a lot of his mother's friends as being sort of nosy, wanting more information than he ever felt comfortable giving them and he remembers clamming up whenever they were around, rolling his eyes in sullen irritation. One summer he had overheard two of them in the bookstore talking about why he was such a grump when he was so handsome and what an awful shame it was that he didn't seem interested in making some girl very happy.
He pauses, grinning at the memory. "Actually, it might not be such a bad thing for some of them to come. They were always so interested in when I was going to settle down and have a family. They just won't be expecting I've settled down with a man." And maybe it's mean, but he has to admit he'd get a little bit of twisted pleasure out of their faces when they saw him now.
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He catches the eye of the cashier, who looks rather amused by Spencer's short list--which is actually quite a longer list than he'd anticipated--of invitees and offers a kind smile that he gratefully returns. It should probably worry him that all their purchases still aren't entirely rung up yet--or maybe what should worry him is what Joel's reaction to what their grand total might be--but he quickly shakes that off, threading his fingers through his husband's and giving him a most innocent, doe-eyed expression just to keep him distracted from the register. "We haven't even decided who to designate as godmother and godfather, you know. Should we announce a shocking pair at the shower, just to really stick it to your mother's friends?"
They haven't met much in the way of opposition when it's come to their marriage, which is one thing about Siren Cove that Spencer can appreciate. The fact that he and Joel had started their relationship had barely made anyone in this town blink an eye. He's selfishly grateful for that, in all honesty, if only because he wouldn't want his own reputation here to reflect poorly on his husband, though he knows it's not as if that would stop Joel from loving him. Still, he's glad that for the most part, people have left them alone. There's a bit of discomfort at the idea of having to deal with a group of women who might look at him as if he'd ruined little Joel Baker's chances of having a nice life with a nice girl but Joel doesn't seem convinced that would happen, so Spencer supposes he shouldn't anticipate it either. Besides, he's certain Ellie would never invite anyone so horribly rude to their baby shower in the first place.
"I hope they won't be too stunned by your choice of partner," he says casually, though his fingers nervously play with the hem of Joel's cardigan. "I wouldn't want you to have to end up playing Twenty Questions the whole time, after all, I can't think of a worse way to spend a baby shower." Granted, Spencer has never been to a baby shower but his point remains the same. He doesn't mind Ellie bringing friends of her own to her son's shower but if it means having to be interrogated in the same way his own mother had interrogated so many of Dane's girlfriends, Spencer knows they're going to be in for a very long afternoon. "What's more horrible, do you think, being pregnant and having strangers poke at your belly or having your mother's friends question every facet of your adult life?"
Most of Spencer's mother's friends had shied away from checking up on him after the funeral, though admittedly, that's because he'd wanted them to do just that. He hadn't responded to calls or texts or e-mails or letters, he hadn't thanked any of them for the baskets they'd left on the doorstep or deliveries they'd send his way just to make sure he didn't starve. He'd felt so alone then, so attacked and devastated by the thought that anyone at all would think him capable of killing his own family, that he'd readily ignored a great majority of the help that had come his way. There's a small part of him that regrets it now but as always, he swallows it down because there's no sense in dwelling on something that can't be changed now.
"Maybe I'll invite my grandfather," he muses, biting down on his lip. "I haven't done anything about getting in touch with him even after we talked about it but maybe this is the time."
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And if they were to pursue it, Joel is fairly certain Charlotte would take care of them. There's a part of him that does want to remind some of his mother's friends -- the ones who'd been just a little too invested in town gossip and the like -- that their expectations of other people are silly and unfair, that they have no right to comment on what a person chooses for themselves, but at the same time he doesn't want to make the party any more uncomfortable for Spencer than it might already be. His little mean streak that surfaces now and then doesn't need to make an appearance at a baby shower.
When Spencer mentions godparents, though, Joel pauses, thoughtful. It's not something he's given much thought to beyond the legal reasons why appointing a guardian would be a good idea were something to happen to the two of them. He's never thought of it in terms of godparents, though, likely because he doesn't have any of his own. He knows if his parents had been killed when he and Charlotte were still children, they would have gone to live with his dad's parents. If he'd been of legal age and Charlotte had still been a minor, her care would have fallen to him. But neither of them have godparents.
"Doesn't a baby have to have a baptism in order to have godparents?" he asks curiously. His parents had never been religious and Joel has identified as atheist for as long as he can remember wanting to identify as anything. "I've never thought of it much."
And now he has to. If this is something Spencer wants for their child, they're going to have to talk about it. Joel isn't necessarily opposed to it, because while he identifies as atheist, he also doesn't care enough to be very vocal about it. He's not against it, but they will have to talk about it.
"Oh, yes," he says when Spencer mentions his grandfather. "I mean, if you'd like, you should at least try to invite him. It could be really nice."
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The cashier looks up at him with a smile then. "That'll be--"
"Here's my card," Spencer interrupts, handing it over before pulling on Joel's hand until his husband facing him. "Anyway, it's maybe verging on the edge of too cautious but if anything were to happen to us and your parents, we'd at least have the comfort of knowing that our child will be with people we trust." In all honesty, those people are few and far between and it's going to take more than a snap decision to come to an agreement over who they should designate as guardians; but the thought of it just makes Spencer feel better. More secure somehow. "This town, it's home but with everything that tends to happen, we're better off safe than sorry."
He's spent less and less time thinking up worst case scenarios since marrying Joel, but he hasn't lost sight of the possibilities of danger. Mark Fuller is still alive, still exists as a man who wants nothing more than to get to Joel, and it makes Spencer's stomach turn to think of the letter he'd received but these are the things he needs to consider so they can make sure nothing happens to their baby. He and Joel are going to be the sorts of parents who are fiercely protective, Spencer already knows that to be fact, and he has no doubt that his husband would do absolutely anything to make sure Spencer and their child are safe.
He threads his fingers through Joel's as he signs for their purchases, taking care to tuck the card and receipt in his pocket before Joel can get to it, and sighs heavily as he stares at the many bags they'll be leaving with before reaching for the first of them. "I suppose I ought to think on my grandfather," he says with a shrug. "The baby shower is supposed to be a happy day, after all. I wouldn't want to ruin it for anyone if he shows up and there's a scene. Or if he doesn't show up at all, and I spend most of the party wondering why."
He isn't sure which would be worse, but he knows he can't make Joel make the decision for him, as much as Spencer might want that. It's just that the idea of having grandparents on both sides for their child sounds so appealing, even if he'd spent all these years not caring very much himself to hear from his grandfather ever again.
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"We're sure to think of someone," he assures Spencer gently as he takes the cart filled with bags and begins to head toward the front door of the store. If something happens to them, their baby will go to his parents first, of course, that's the thing that makes the most sense. But Spencer is right, it would likely benefit them to specify what should happen to the baby if his parents were no longer around or no longer capable of caring for a child. It's a little daunting, trying to imagine himself picking someone for his baby to go live with, but he knows it's necessary. They need to be smart about this, they need to be responsible, and they need to do what's necessary to make sure their child is always cared for, even if they can no longer be around to be the ones who are doing it.
"I think I would personally prefer it to be someone with some experience," he says. "Though I suppose that isn't a deal breaker." They don't have experience, after all, and the surrogate agency had still allowed them to go forward with this, so he supposes he can't base his entire judgment on that. "Someone who likes children then, at the very least. Someone who likes our baby in particular. This is the sort of thing that can wait, isn't it? Until we've seen people with the baby?"
He doesn't want to say that it would be a test, but he thinks Spencer will understand what he isn't putting into words. Over the first few months, they'll watch people with their child and they'll see who is best with him or her. He imagines the two of them might even make spreadsheets and he wonders if anyone they know would be insulted if they were to discover they've made a list of pros and cons when it comes to making them the baby's guardian.
As for the rest of it, he shakes his head a little and says, "Then maybe the shower isn't the best time for it. I'd want you to enjoy the day as much as you can. Adding that stress to what is already a stressful situation might not be the best. And maybe... I don't know, but maybe after so many years, he might prefer a more intimate meeting as well."
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It's at the mention of adding stress when it comes to grandfather that Spencer's smile fades a little. "I just..." He trails off with a sigh, feeling a bit embarrassed even though he knows there's no reason for it. Joel has never judged him for anything, not what he's said or what he's felt, and Spencer knows he can tell his husband absolutely anything without having to fear what sort of reaction he'll get. His biggest problem lies in the fact that he has absolutely no clue where to begin with this, and he wishes so badly that he could just beg Joel to tell him what to do, but it isn't his husband's burden to bear. He looks over at Joel with a sheepish expression before lowering his eyes back down to the ground as he walks along side the cart.
"I'm afraid that even if he does agree to meet with me, it'll only turn out to be a huge disappointment," he admits, cringing because even to himself, it sounds so childish. "I know that I can't really call him family in anything other than blood, and I know that he's spent almost my entire life not being there, but he's still my grandfather. He's the one connection to my father that I left and the thought of having him show up here just to wish that he'd stayed away... It'd just be another loss."
That's what it really comes down to, he supposes, it's what it's always come down to when it comes to his tendency to keep people at arm's length. He'd resisted acknowledging his feelings for Joel for as long as he had because he'd been afraid of letting someone get that close to him only to lose them. He can't go through what he had with his family again, he simply can't, and certainly not with Joel. It would most assuredly ruin him, and it's something he tries not to think about often but some days, he can't quite help it. He shakes his head at himself, at the dark turn he's dangerously close to taking in his mind, and scrubs a hand over his face. "God, I'm being an idiot, aren't I? I need to either do it or give up the idea altogether, it's not doing me any good just to worry about it like this when we have so many other things that need our attention."
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"And I think it's going to drive you crazy until you do something about it," he adds as he steers the cart toward his car. Although he doesn't drive it very often, he's found that he's had to recently with all the trips they've been taking to pick things up for the baby. There's no way the two of them would be able to walk home with all these bags they have now and while he doesn't usually feel any particular emotion for his car -- it's just a vehicle, after all -- he is rather grateful that they have it at their disposal right now.
Opening the trunk, he begins to put the bags inside, then looks over at Spencer with a small smile. "You're going to think about it all the time. I can see it happening already and that's fine, I think I would think about it all the time, too. But the only way to know for sure one way or the other is to contact him and then it's done. If you reach out to him, you've done all you can and it can fall where it may."
He knows it won't necessarily be that easy, that there will be consequences either way, but he thinks that might be something that just has to happen. Spencer needs to know, whether he's ready to admit it to himself or not, and Joel doesn't blame him one bit. The idea is there, the seed has been planted, and he thinks the only thing to be done is to follow through with it. To really see where it goes. Maybe it won't result in anything, but then at least Spencer will know. At least they both will.
He closes the trunk, then reaches for Spencer's hands and gives them a gentle squeeze. "I think you need to do this. Maybe not at the shower, but I do think you need to try."