[spencer]

[just_another]

The weather is turning cooler, which Joel loves, and he takes his time walking Huxley this evening, letting the wind blow through his hair -- it's getting longer, his mother has pointed out since arriving and he'll need to cut it soon -- as he walks first down toward the beach and then back home again. His parents are going to be out for the evening and he's looking forward to getting home and having some time alone with just Spencer. Having his parents visiting has actually been kind of nice, despite the initial fear he'd had that they'd be hurt. They had come bearing gifts -- a beautiful silver picture frame and a first edition novel for Spencer -- and have both been nothing but happy for the two of them, but he's still looking forward to the quiet evening alone.

They're visiting friends and the sun has mostly dipped behind the trees when Joel finally gets home, glad to see their rented car is still gone. His hands are cold and he flexes them, trying to get some feeling back into his fingertips as he opens the front door and then drops into a crouch to unclip Huxley's leash from his collar, letting the puppy roam into the house. As always, he goes straight to the kitchen, then returns a moment later, as Joel unties his shoes.

"No one there?" he asks, smiling down at the puppy, who trots around the first level of the house, his tail wagging as he searches for Raleigh or Spencer or Joel's father, his new favourite person, mostly because Brian seems to drop an awful lot of food whenever Huxley is around. As Joel hangs up his jacket, he hears the puppy let out an excited yip in the living room and he turns in that direction, sure he'll find Spencer working on something.

They've both been working a lot lately, between the bakery and Crossroads and the work they've put into their future family. They seem to have come to the decision that finding a surrogate will be the best fit for them and they've spent a few nights looking. Joel has signed up for one agency in particular that he liked the look of and they've been sending him e-mails whenever new surrogates that fit what they're looking for come available. So he walks into the living room, expecting to find Spencer hard at work and he stops, smiling when he finds him reading instead, a warm fire burning in the fireplace. It's a nice sight and he walks around the back of the couch, brushing his hand over the back of Spencer's neck, knowing full well his hands are still cold.

There's a good chance he does it on purpose.

Comments

[doublethepain]

The words come out in a harsh puff of air--you're mine--and Spencer knows he's finished. At least in that one moment, he's finished, he could collapse right now and die happy, and it's because being with Joel has always been so much that it's too much. This feels like too much love for one person to have for another. He's wrong, of course. From the day they'd met, his feelings for Joel--his love for Joel--had grown with every passing second. He'd let himself become consumed by someone for the first time in his life and it should have been terrifying because he knows what it's like to be used, to be judged, to be pitied, to be hated. Joel has never made him felt that way and that's how Spencer had known he was different. Joel hadn't thought twice to save his life the day of the Hydra, the day of that monster in the water, the day of the lighthouse, but Joel had saved him, too, from a self-imposed isolation that Spencer hadn't even realized had been slowly destroying him.

He never has to be alone again. They'd taken longer than most to get their relationship started because they'd been nervous, both of them sure of what they'd felt but doubting the other. Spencer has no doubt now, none whatsoever, and he rests the back of his head on Joel's shoulder as his husband moves so expertly in and out of him, going the perfect pace and saying the simplest but most perfect things. You're mine. I love you. He doesn't need more than that. He doesn't need flowery language or hyperbolic poetry; he doesn't need grand gestures or expensive gifts to remind him that Joel loves him. He's reminded of how much he's loved all the time, with every look that he and Joel share. He's being reminded of it now in the way his husband is thrusting so deeply inside of him, possessing him, making every awful memory that comes with being in this room slowly melt away.

When they come in here now, this is what he'll think about. It's not just a promise he's making himself, not just a thing he's thinking he'll do just so he doesn't have to admit that he's still afraid. He is still afraid, he'll always remember what Mark had done to him here, but he can't let that control him. This, he can give into safely, healthily, happily. Joel making love to him, stroking his cock, whispering in his ear, it's all so much more than Spencer could ever have thought would happen to him and the fact that it's happening here, in the place where Spencer wishes even now that he would have kissed Joel, is beyond significant. Sometimes he thinks he's beyond repair, that he's simply been too damaged to continue on in life as a proper human being, but Joel has changed that. Joel makes him feel like he can do anything.

He's tempted to wrap his other hand over Joel's, help his husband stroke his cock until he makes a mess of this library, but Spencer only grips the railing tighter. He knows his husband wants to take care of him tonight, as if he doesn't already do that every night, and besides that, he's sure that if he doesn't have a grip on the banister, he'll fall immediately to his knees as soon as Joel pulls out of him. His moaning is stilted, unsteady, and he knows he's getting close. He can feel all of Joel, every piece of him, and he loves to be filled but he also loves when their bodies are flush against each other because it's like they're acting as one unit. It's nothing new, not really, they're harmonious in most of the things they do together; but this, to be so in tune with each other's wants and needs like this, it speaks to something deeper. Something that will only ever be shared between the two of them. They belong to each other and it's with that thought echoing through his mind that he shudders in his arms, tears spilling down his cheeks, and grasps at the railing as his knees start to buckle.

"I'm-- Joel, please, please." He's begging but he's not entirely sure what it is he's begging for, whether he wants Joel to move faster or thrust harder or go deeper, or if he never wants Joel to stop.

[just_another]

"Spencer," Joel breathes, his eyes closed, his hand still moving over his cock as he thrusts deeper into him and that's it, that's all he's capable of because Spencer is begging him and he's saying please over and over again in that voice that makes Joel feel like everything inside him is being laid bare for Spencer to see. He always feels this way, more vulnerable, more exposed than he ever has before and it's the single most thrilling experience of his life. To have given so much to one person that he feels like Spencer knows every single part of him, can see every emotion, can feel all his thoughts and his fears, it should be scary, but it isn't and that's one of the many ways in which he knows Spencer is the person he's meant to be with. For so long he's been afraid to let people in, but it happened so quickly with Spencer, so easily, and here he is, the arm he has locked around Spencer's waist tightening as he comes inside him, his face pressed against his warm skin, gasping for air.

He doesn't know how he's still breathing, how he's still standing, how he's holding himself up against Spencer's body. His knees feel like they're locked in place and they're the only things keeping him from sinking to the ground in a satisfied, useless pile that only wants to be wrapped around Spencer until he falls asleep. Vaguely he realizes they can't sleep in here, he can't just curl up and press himself against Spencer's body and spend the rest of the night here. They have house guests, they have a puppy, they have responsibilities, but all he can think of right now is how incredible Spencer feels, still warm and tight around him. All he can think of is how good it feels to be pressed up against his back, his cock still buried deep inside him, his hand around the heavy warmth of Spencer's length. All he can think of is how in love he is, how happy he is, how he'll never want for anything so long as he has Spencer's love.

"I love you," he says again, nuzzling against the side of Spencer's throat and he knows he never wants to leave this place. The muscles in his arm actually hurt from holding on to Spencer's waist so tightly and he loosens his grip a little, but he doesn't pull away from him, not yet. All he can do is stand there and hope his legs don't give out any time soon because he wants to enjoy this. He wants to remember this night in the library as much as he wants Spencer to remember it. It's not just about making love to him in the library, it's not just about the physical aspect of it because their sex life is full and it's fun and Joel knows how much they enjoy one another, how good they make each other feel. This is about reminding Spencer why he loves this room and that Mark Fuller isn't around anymore and shouldn't be able to take anything from him. This is Spencer's room and it should always be Spencer's room and Joel wants to remind him of that.

He wants to give it back to him. This night, this opportunity, it's like Spencer has given him the chance to give him the best gift he can. It isn't tangible, it isn't physical, but Joel hopes he's done at least a little bit toward giving Spencer this room back. He can't take the memories away, but he can try every night for the rest of his life to replace them with better memories and all he can really do is hope that this is a good start.

He's more than sated himself, trying to hold himself up instead of sagging against Spencer because he's fairly certain if he does that it will only send the both of them to the floor. While he's sure they're going to end up there anyway, he doesn't want to be the heavy weight dragging the two of them down. Turning his head, he presses a kiss against Spencer's sweat slicked shoulder, then smiles against his skin. "I love you," he says again. "I love you."

[doublethepain]

Joel could say it once, twice, a hundred, five hundred times a day--I love you, I love you--and the words will never lose their meaning. His mother had always made a habit of saying it after he'd kiss her on the cheek on his way to bed, even Dane had been free with the phrase often enough. It had always been Spencer who'd answer with a begrudging grumble or an amused roll of his eyes and it's not that he hadn't loved them. It's not that he hasn't understood what it means to love someone before. He just hadn't ever seen the point in making a show of it until he'd lost them both. Until it had been too late. He hasn't loved anyone in over two years, hasn't let anyone close enough to feel anything even close to that, but meeting Joel that day had shaken something loose. He hadn't realized it at the time, of course, that he'd been waiting so long for someone to make him feel again; besides that, he'd waited his whole life to be hit with the astounding knowledge that he's only ever going love like this once.

He tightens around Joel's length when he feels his husband's release and comes with a gasp, one that barely even escapes his throat because he's trying so hard to keep the tears welling in his eyes from spilling down his cheek; but there they are, streaming in hot streaks as he pulses into Joel's hand. Spencer doesn't know how to move anymore without falling to the floor, doesn't want to risk moving at all because Joel is still so deep inside of him and he's still moving his hips back against Joel's cock, even as they both start to soften. They're as close as they can ever be right now, both completely bared to each other in ways they won't ever bare themselves to anyone else again. Joel's only had a few partners, Spencer's only had one, and he can't deny that the fact comforts him. It's not as if his love for Joel would be affected at all if things were different but there's something about knowing that he's the only one Joel has ever made love to like this, the only one who's ever had the distinct privilege of having Joel's tongue inside of him, the only one who Joel will ever touch so intimately that makes Spencer's heart leap into his throat and it makes him chokes on the words he doesn't know he wants to say.

Slowly, carefully, he steps forward with a disparaging moan as Joel's cock slips out of him, leaving him feel so empty like it always does, but he wastes no time in turning around to face his husband. His ass is just the slightest bit sore, the minor sting caused by Joel's crafty substitution for lube is only amplified from how Joel's filled him just now, but he doesn't care. It's a good pain, he'd take it all over like this again and again because this had been raw. This had picked at the scabs of his memories and covered them up bit by bit, and Spencer is so grateful to Joel for that. He's not magically cured because they've had sex, that's not what this had ever been about in the first place, but he feels safe. He feels safe in the library like he's been hoping--praying, even, just the one time, though he'd felt so utterly foolish after--he would for months now, and he's known all along that Joel is the only person who could help him face his fears head-on. He just hadn't been ready yet.

They're somehow still standing but that won't do, not when the way Joel's looking at him right now makes every last inch of him tremble with the love he can only hope is evident enough in his own eyes. He scrambles for something to say, for something that would be enough in this moment, for something that's poignant and meaningful and not a quote from a book because this love is all their own. It's not something anyone else could ever hope to put words to, not when Spencer can't even do it himself. He can't stop the tears now, and he lets out a shuddering breath as his lips part but his head shakes and he leans forward to bury his face in the crook of Joel's neck. Nothing is enough for this man, deemed true by Spencer because he's never experienced anything as pure as what they have. People, he's learned over the years, can be awful. They can be petty and cruel and unforgiving, and he imagines that he can be guilty of that, too; but not with Joel. Never with Joel.

Joel had shown Spencer light when he'd been shrouded in darkness, a self-imposed solitary of his mind and body that nobody had been able to successfully penetrate until that day. Joel Baker had created a barrier between him and Spencer and that debris but in the process, he'd broken down every single wall Spencer had dedicated himself to building for years. They'd started with protection and promises of safety and now they're here, living up to the very same. He leans forward to press a shaky kiss to Joel's lips, tears slowing but still falling as he gently nudges his husband back toward the shelves.

Nothing he could say could encompass all that he feels, he could live a thousand years and not be able to explain every piece of Joel that brings him joy, brings him life, but Spencer thinks he wants to try because Joel deserves it. He deserves to know every single day just how much he's changed Spencer's life. "You have all of me," he murmurs as they sink down to the floor. "Always. I don't think I was living for a long time before you found me and now..." They're both sticky, bodies slick with sweat and come and the library smells like sex, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters but them right now. He takes one of Joel's hands and presses it to his chest, over his heart. "All of me, Joel. All for you."

[just_another]

There are tears on Spencer's cheeks, but Joel knows better than to be alarmed by now; he's looked that way many times himself and all he does is reach up with one hand, gently brushing them away with the pad of his thumb before following the path his thumb takes with his lips, pressing kisses against Spencer's damp, salty skin. Somehow they end up moving back toward the shelves and somehow they end up on the floor together, though Joel can't remember how they've gotten there, not when the only thing he can think of is how nice it feels just to have Spencer so close to him again. It's a constant distraction, being married to Spencer, and Joel knows he wouldn't have it any other way. He spends so much of his day now getting caught up in thoughts of Spencer and although he loves working with him and is extremely grateful for what he's doing at the store, there are times when he finds himself just leaning on the counter and watching Spencer work, completely distracted from his own work. He has no idea how he worked any other way, though. Now that Spencer is there, Joel really doesn't know what he used to do without him and he knows he'll never be able to go back to how things were. It's a good thing he won't have to.

He rests his hand against Spencer's chest, holding it there, feeling his heart beating against his chest and he's pleased to notice it's going as fast as his own. There's no doubt in his mind that Spencer wants him, that they're both equally attracted to one another, but it still feels nice to have that reminder of what he and Spencer have just done to each other, how breathless and boneless they both feel. He smiles, leaning close enough that he can nuzzle against Spencer's throat again, pressing more soft kisses to his skin. "All of you," he murmurs in agreement, but the sentiment is more than simply returned, because Spencer has all of him, too. There's nothing he wouldn't do, no lengths he wouldn't go to, and there's just no part of him that isn't completely, irrevocably in love with Spencer.

"All of me, too," he says, leaning back against the shelf and he knows they have to get up, but maybe they can leave it for now. Maybe they can just lie here together until someone comes home and they have to move. Maybe Raleigh will get home and take care of Huxley for them and Joel is about to suggest this to Spencer, he's about to pull back enough that he can see him when he hears movement. The library door is closed, but the sound of the front door opening and closing is very clear and he glances over at Spencer, biting down on his lower lip to keep himself from grinning. It really isn't funny, they're about thirty seconds away from getting caught completely naked if someone decides to come into the library looking for them, but he can't help it. As long as they don't actually get caught, it is funny.

"Hi, sweetheart." Joel can hear his mother's voice through the door and it's obvious she's speaking to Huxley whose nails are clicking on the floor as he wanders out of the living room. "Did your owners leave you all alone out here?"

"Where are they?" Brian asks and Joel presses his face against Spencer's shoulder, still trying not to laugh.

"It's later than we thought we'd be, maybe they've gone to bed," Ellie suggests and Joel can hear the smile in her voice. "They're still newlyweds, after all. You remember how often we went to bed early right after we got married."

Joel's shoulders are shaking with laughter, but at least he's managed not to make any sound just yet.

"They are very happy, aren't they?" Brian asks and his voice is moving a little closer to the library. Close enough that Joel freezes, sucking in a breath. "I never thought I would see Joel like this again, smiling so easily. It's like having him back in a way. Back to the boy he was before everything happened. I don't know if Spencer will ever truly understand how grateful I am to him for making Joel as happy as he does."

[doublethepain]

He's still breathing heavily, though the shallow pants are slowing into something more regular, and he rests his head against the uneven row of books behind him with a gratified smile. Spencer stretches his legs out and rests his free hand on Joel's thigh, crossing them at his ankles and lazily letting himself slouch down the shelf until he's comfortably leaning against his husband's side. The floor is cold, it makes him shiver, but the rest of him is still warm from the flush that had spread over his body from having Joel inside him, moving so expertly, loving him.

The voices barely even register with him at first because he's still so lost in a post-orgasmic haze that oftens just puts hims to sleep when they're in their own bed; but then Joel's hiding his face in Spencer's shoulder, and Spencer realizes that they're far, far too close to being caught. For all the times they've gotten so caught up in each other to care about anyone else, they've only been walked in on the one time, by Charlotte, and Spencer supposes--quite resignedly--that it would only be appropriate for Joel's parents to be the next ones to find them in a compromising position. It's very much the last things, he'd rather have Charlotte catch them having sex a thousand times over than have his in-laws find a scene like this, but he can't help but bite down hard on his lip to suppress a laugh when he feels Joel's shoulders shaking next to him.

"Oh, god," he whispers, the start of a snort escaping him before he claps a hand over his mouth, shaking his head hard enough for his hair to whip back and forth. He can hear Huxley trotting along, imagines that their puppy is probably leaping from the ground for Ellie and Brian's attention right about now, and the blush that creeps across his cheeks at the mention of how many times Joel's parents had gone to bed makes him feel like he's coming awfully close to dying of embarrassment. He looks to Joel, jaw dropped in horrified shock but eyes sparkling with amusement, until Brian speaks again. The mock horror fades from his expression, and he doesn't know what to do with the things he's hearing.

Ellie and Brian like him, Spencer has been comfortable with that as fact since the day they'd all met, but to know that this is how they feel about him fills him with overhwelming gratitude that they had trusted him so easily with their son. He knows that Ellie had had her reservations at first, no matter what the cause, but she and Brian both have welcomed him into their family with open arms and Spencer has only admitted to Joel that the first day they'd had them at the house, Spencer had gone into the bathroom just to cry with relief. It's not as if he'd expected them to lecture them, treat them like they'd made a horrible decision by getting married, make them feel horribly guilty for not inviting them; but he hadn't known what to expect so when Brian had announced how pleased he was to have "two gay sons," Spencer had laughed so hard that he'd been sure he'd pull something.

It had been after dinner that he'd had to excuse himself because sitting at that dining room table, the one he'd eaten at with his own mother and brother for twenty-one years, had hit him so suddenly that it had overwhelmed him. Two years has felt like two lifetimes without a family to call his own and when he'd married Joel, he'd all but overlooked the fact that he was going to be adopted into another.

"Spencer's a good man," Ellie is saying, her voice softening, and Spencer is sure that he'll never be able to speak again because his chest is swelling with emotion and his heart feels like it's beating in his throat. "And he's good for Joel. All this time, I've been hoping that Joel would find the right girl, and he's had the right man in front of him all along."

Spencer squeezes his husband's thigh gently, pressing a kiss to Joel's temple and whispering, "I love you so much" in his husband's ear. He'll do anything to keep Joel happy, to make sure that he lives up to everything Brian and Ellie think him to be, and it's a promise he'll make gladly. It's easy with Joel. It's easy to want to be a better man, to be the best man, because his husband deserves no less. His husband deserves the world.

[just_another]

It does Joel a world of good, too, hearing his parents speak like that about Spencer. There have been moments when he's been certain they've worried about the two of them, thought maybe perhaps they were moving too quickly, although Joel has always felt that more from his mother than from his father. Brian has always been like that, always happy to go with the flow and do whatever everyone else is doing, so long as that makes people happy. He's been accused of laziness, but Joel knows now that there's just so little that truly ruffles his father and given how uptight his mother can get now and then, he thinks they make an extremely good pair. Ellie pushes Brian to care when he might otherwise just let something go and Brian reminds Ellie to relax when something really isn't as hard as she's making it out to be. He knows that his father talked to her that first day, the one when he'd admitted to them that he was in a relationship with a man, he knows it was his father who eased her down from the confusion she mistook for anger.

And now they're here. They're wrapped up in each other, sitting naked on the floor of the library, and just outside the door, his parents are both talking about how much they love Spencer, how much they approve of their relationship and Joel just draws in a deep breath as if he's about to say something, then lets it out instead, a big smile curving his lips. He doesn't know if he could speak right now. His chest feels tight with emotion and his eyes are watering a little and all he manages is to slip his arm around Spencer and tug him closer.

"I saw a box of baby clothes in their bedroom the other day," Brian says thoughtfully and Joel freezes, looking down at Spencer with a faintly guilty expression. He had just really wanted to get that bunny onesie out of the box before Spencer managed to get rid of it somehow and so he'd brought the entire box down to go through, just in case there had been any other gems hiding under the piles of clothes. But Raleigh had needed something and he'd left the box in the middle of their bedroom, the door wide open, probably for at least an hour. Long enough for his father to see, anyway, and it's not that they're keeping their plans a secret, really, Joel just doesn't see the point in mentioning it until there's actually a surrogate involved, someone they've decided to go forward with.

"Oh, Brian," Ellie says, her voice hushed. Joel can hear her clicking Huxley's leash onto his collar and he's grateful they'll be able to make a break for the bedroom in a few minutes. "Do you think..."

"I don't know," he says. "I hope so. They would make such good parents."

"They would," Ellie agrees. "They're both smart and they both have so much more love in them than I think they realize."

Their voices are getting distance, they're taking Huxley outside and Joel thinks they should move, but he's too busy blinking up at the ceiling, trying not to let his parents' words overwhelm him. It's not that his parents have ever been terribly uncommunicative with their feelings, he's always felt very loved and accepted, and he knows they've always believed the best of him, but there's something so different in hearing kind things said when someone thinks no one else is listening. It means more. It's special.

The front door opens and closes again, and Joel looks over at Spencer, his eyes shining. "I love you, too," he says, pressing a kiss against his mouth. "And so do my parents. And so will our baby."