[closed - Spencer]

[just_another]

They've been in the store for approximately seven minutes and Joel is already wondering if this was such a good idea. It's necessary, he knows that. There are things they need to buy and with the baby a mere five months away, he knows putting it off any longer isn't the smartest decision. Soon enough the due date is going to be next week instead of five months from now, and he knows if they put things off it'll all just rush toward them like an oncoming train and there won't be a thing they can do to stop it. So they need to be here, they need to be shopping and thinking about what to do with the nursery and finalizing plans.

But Joel isn't sure they're going to make it out of the store with their bank accounts in tact.

Spencer has never given any indication that he's an especially excessive man. Joel would have adjusted to it if he had been, although it would have been strange. For someone who has spent most of his life counting pennies and taking care to always budget, it's been a bit of an adjustment to not have to do so anymore. Even though it isn't necessary, he still makes budgets and tries to follow them as best he can. Crossroads is on a strict budget and Joel makes sure they never spend more than he's allotted, because now that they're going to have a child -- children, possibly, one day -- they have to put money away for their future and he's been very diligent about this.

But it's different from the way he'd grown up. He's figured it out and made it work and he's adjusted his mentality when it comes to money, but it's taken some effort. It's been made easier by the fact that Spencer isn't the type to overspend, not by a long shot. He's had more money than Joel, but at a real price, one Joel wouldn't wish on anyone, no matter what the sum of money they got in return. And yet, despite having that money at his fingertips, he's still generally frugal enough that Joel hasn't had much of an adjustment to make.

Except when it comes to toys for their as yet unborn child. The bear Spencer had ordered had been absurd enough, but as Joel pushes a cart through the store, he looks down to see what Spencer has added and it's interesting to note there's a swaddling blanket -- just one -- buried under a pile of stuffed toys.

This is his life now, he thinks with a smile. He might as well get used to it.

Comments

[doublethepain]

"People are often presumptuous," Spencer comments absently, eyes scanning the aisles for anything they might have missed on their first real shopping excursion for the baby. They've ordered so much online that he can't even keep it all straight, which is perhaps a sign that he's gone a little far, but whatever they'd doubled up on can at least be returned easily enough. Admittedly, there's still plenty of time before the baby is due but they've talked about it before and it's true, the months are going to pass by so quickly and before they know it, they'll be in the hospital to meet their first child. There's been no shortage of change in the past months, it's been a whirlwind of first times and new outlooks on life and while Spencer could have done without certain parts of it, he's never been happier than he is to be here with Joel now. For the first time, it feels like everything is finally going their way and considering the awful surprises Siren Cove tends to offer its residents, Spencer wants to hold on to that for as long as possible.

Right now, their lives are considerably... well, he supposes 'normal' isn't quite the word for it but it's close enough, whatever 'normal' really means. Raleigh's plans to find her own place have moved steadily forward, freeing up the room closest to theirs for the nursery and while that doesn't mean much in terms of the room layout, it still requires a bit of rethinking. Still, Joel is Joel and that means he's been busying himself with ideas for furniture to build not only for the nursery but for Raleigh's new apartment, whenever she finds it, and Spencer is quite sure his husband is probably overworking himself but Joel would never admit to it. That only makes all of this that much important to focus on because Spencer doesn't have the kinds of skills that Joel does when it comes to building or renovating or anything like that, really; he's always been much better at using his head than his hands. Most of the time, anyway.

"In any case, I'm sure Erin developed a way to avoid unwanted poking and prodding after having her first baby, though I wouldn't necessarily mind if she gave us permission to yell at anyone who gets too close to her." He hates the idea of anyone making Erin uncomfortable, though she somehow seems to be the one more concerned with taking care of them than the other way around sometimes, but Spencer just thinks that reinforces the fact that they'd made the very best choice in a surrogate. She isn't simply going through the motions, it hadn't just been about the money for her. She'd wanted to give the most incredible of gifts to them, and Spencer knows they'll forever be in her debt for that. Part of how they can hope to repay her is to at least make sure she's comfortable while she's carrying the baby.

Ultimately, Spencer's confident that at least at the baby shower, she'll be okay. Their friends are respectful people, kind people, they wouldn't be considered friends otherwise, and he has to admit that the more he thinks about what the shower will be like, the more accustomed he gets to the idea. It's not something he'd ever have done for them himself, but they have a family who loves them, who wants to celebrate the newest member, and Spencer can't find the heart to deny them that.

"It'll be fine," Spencer decides with a firm nod, as if that's enough to make it true, and he turns to look at Joel with a bright smile. "You'll have to find just the right balance in talking to your mother about the shower, you know. If you appear too eager, she's just going to want to throw parties for us all the time and if you don't make yourself sound interested, it'll just upset her." He presses a quick kiss to Joel's cheek, following it with a soft laugh. "No pressure, of course."

[just_another]

"Oh, no pressure at all," Joel says with a laugh as reaches out to cup Spencer's cheek before beginning to unload their cart. "Don't worry, I know how to handle my mother. Most of the time." The truth is, of his parents, he's more like her than he is his father. While Joel knows most people would describe his father as quiet and kind, two words that might also apply to him, it's with a different sort of air that his father conducts himself. He's relaxed in a way Joel has never been. He's comfortable in his own skin, moves at his own pace and has never been particularly worried about much of anything. For a long time Joel had thought his father simply didn't care about things the same way his mother did, but the older he gets, the more he's begun to realize it's not a lack of interest, it's just a strong sense of confidence that allows his father be conduct himself the way he does. He knows exactly who he is, where he stands in life, what he wants and who truly loves him. And he believes these things without a shred of doubt, which Joel finds admirable. His father can be so laid back because he's so confident and while Joel knows he'll never be the same way, he does find himself appreciating it more and more.

He'll never be like his father, though. While he may be generally quiet and while there are those who might think of him as kind, he knows he's much more like his mother. A little more prickly, a little more prone to snapping when something doesn't go their way. A little more high strung with a tendency to worry. Overbearing in some ways, too aloof in others. But for all the bad qualities he knows he shares with his mother, he knows he shares her good ones, too. The fact that she'll do anything for the people she loves, her loyalty, the fierce protective streak that means no one under her care will ever feel anything but loved and safe. Joel might not always see the best in himself, but when he looks at his mother, it's easier for him to recognize all the traits they share and it's a little easier to acknowledge that he might not be quite the terrible person he's often made himself out to be. She gives him that.

"You know, if we offer to do small things like make the guest list or create a specific registry just for the party, she'll probably be much more wiling to listen to some of our other suggestions," he points out, purposely not watching the register as their purchases are being rung through. He smiles faintly, a little nervously at the cashier, then turns his attention back to Spencer. "And if we offer to take care of the guest list for her, then at least we would have complete control over who is invited." There's no guarantee she won't completely change the list once they hand it to her, but maybe Joel can manage to assign the invitations to Charlotte and while he knows his sister likes to mess with both him and Spencer, he also knows he can count on her to truly be on their side whenever it counts. If he asked her not to change the guest list and only send invitations to the people on it, he knows she would do that. They're nothing alike in terms of their social tendencies, but somehow Charlotte still tends to understand his need for a quieter atmosphere better than a lot of people. It's partly due to whatever physic connection they share, but Joel thinks it's more than just that. He thinks his sister is just a hell of a lot more understanding than most people realize.

"We can do the guest list and ask Charlotte to do the invitations," he says. "That way my mother won't change the list at all. That keeps the party limited to the people we really want to see there instead of twenty-five of my mother's closest friends from neighbouring towns who want to see who little Joel Baker finally ended up with." He remembers a lot of his mother's friends as being sort of nosy, wanting more information than he ever felt comfortable giving them and he remembers clamming up whenever they were around, rolling his eyes in sullen irritation. One summer he had overheard two of them in the bookstore talking about why he was such a grump when he was so handsome and what an awful shame it was that he didn't seem interested in making some girl very happy.

He pauses, grinning at the memory. "Actually, it might not be such a bad thing for some of them to come. They were always so interested in when I was going to settle down and have a family. They just won't be expecting I've settled down with a man." And maybe it's mean, but he has to admit he'd get a little bit of twisted pleasure out of their faces when they saw him now.

[doublethepain]

It's a fair point, and Spencer isn't opposed to helping with the baby shower arrangements. The whole thing is for their baby, after all, it probably wouldn't hurt to take a more active role in the planning of it. "Well, I suppose that's something we could do," he concedes, tilting his head and knitting his brow as he tries to think of those he'd even want to invite, which is a considerably small number considering he doesn't have a terribly large number of friends. He certainly has more than he's ever had, which some may say is a very sad thing, but Spencer knows that being with Joel has helped him be more willing to converse with those he might otherwise have unwittingly ignored. "There's Raleigh, of course, and Coop. Lara and Levi. Lou? Essie, Caden, Cosette, Gemma, Brigid, Mira, Davin. I do quite like April, have you actually met her yet? Though I don't know if that means we shouldn't invite Les Parker, which would be a shame because he did so much for us. Speaking of which, do you think we ought to invite Nerium?" He wrinkles his nose at the idea of sending a baby shower invitation by raven, wondering what she'd even do with such a thing.

He catches the eye of the cashier, who looks rather amused by Spencer's short list--which is actually quite a longer list than he'd anticipated--of invitees and offers a kind smile that he gratefully returns. It should probably worry him that all their purchases still aren't entirely rung up yet--or maybe what should worry him is what Joel's reaction to what their grand total might be--but he quickly shakes that off, threading his fingers through his husband's and giving him a most innocent, doe-eyed expression just to keep him distracted from the register. "We haven't even decided who to designate as godmother and godfather, you know. Should we announce a shocking pair at the shower, just to really stick it to your mother's friends?"

They haven't met much in the way of opposition when it's come to their marriage, which is one thing about Siren Cove that Spencer can appreciate. The fact that he and Joel had started their relationship had barely made anyone in this town blink an eye. He's selfishly grateful for that, in all honesty, if only because he wouldn't want his own reputation here to reflect poorly on his husband, though he knows it's not as if that would stop Joel from loving him. Still, he's glad that for the most part, people have left them alone. There's a bit of discomfort at the idea of having to deal with a group of women who might look at him as if he'd ruined little Joel Baker's chances of having a nice life with a nice girl but Joel doesn't seem convinced that would happen, so Spencer supposes he shouldn't anticipate it either. Besides, he's certain Ellie would never invite anyone so horribly rude to their baby shower in the first place.

"I hope they won't be too stunned by your choice of partner," he says casually, though his fingers nervously play with the hem of Joel's cardigan. "I wouldn't want you to have to end up playing Twenty Questions the whole time, after all, I can't think of a worse way to spend a baby shower." Granted, Spencer has never been to a baby shower but his point remains the same. He doesn't mind Ellie bringing friends of her own to her son's shower but if it means having to be interrogated in the same way his own mother had interrogated so many of Dane's girlfriends, Spencer knows they're going to be in for a very long afternoon. "What's more horrible, do you think, being pregnant and having strangers poke at your belly or having your mother's friends question every facet of your adult life?"

Most of Spencer's mother's friends had shied away from checking up on him after the funeral, though admittedly, that's because he'd wanted them to do just that. He hadn't responded to calls or texts or e-mails or letters, he hadn't thanked any of them for the baskets they'd left on the doorstep or deliveries they'd send his way just to make sure he didn't starve. He'd felt so alone then, so attacked and devastated by the thought that anyone at all would think him capable of killing his own family, that he'd readily ignored a great majority of the help that had come his way. There's a small part of him that regrets it now but as always, he swallows it down because there's no sense in dwelling on something that can't be changed now.

"Maybe I'll invite my grandfather," he muses, biting down on his lip. "I haven't done anything about getting in touch with him even after we talked about it but maybe this is the time."

[just_another]

"They know better than to try and get me to answer any questions," Joel says with a faint smile. His mother had never been particularly pleased with the way he'd refused to answer questions from her friends, instead choosing to just stare at them without answering until they left him alone, and he realizes now that it had been childish and a little bratty, but he has no intention of doing anything else if they were to start questioning him now. "Besides, all they'd hear from me over and over again is that I'm happy. That's all they need to know."

And if they were to pursue it, Joel is fairly certain Charlotte would take care of them. There's a part of him that does want to remind some of his mother's friends -- the ones who'd been just a little too invested in town gossip and the like -- that their expectations of other people are silly and unfair, that they have no right to comment on what a person chooses for themselves, but at the same time he doesn't want to make the party any more uncomfortable for Spencer than it might already be. His little mean streak that surfaces now and then doesn't need to make an appearance at a baby shower.

When Spencer mentions godparents, though, Joel pauses, thoughtful. It's not something he's given much thought to beyond the legal reasons why appointing a guardian would be a good idea were something to happen to the two of them. He's never thought of it in terms of godparents, though, likely because he doesn't have any of his own. He knows if his parents had been killed when he and Charlotte were still children, they would have gone to live with his dad's parents. If he'd been of legal age and Charlotte had still been a minor, her care would have fallen to him. But neither of them have godparents.

"Doesn't a baby have to have a baptism in order to have godparents?" he asks curiously. His parents had never been religious and Joel has identified as atheist for as long as he can remember wanting to identify as anything. "I've never thought of it much."

And now he has to. If this is something Spencer wants for their child, they're going to have to talk about it. Joel isn't necessarily opposed to it, because while he identifies as atheist, he also doesn't care enough to be very vocal about it. He's not against it, but they will have to talk about it.

"Oh, yes," he says when Spencer mentions his grandfather. "I mean, if you'd like, you should at least try to invite him. It could be really nice."

[doublethepain]

"Well, that true, so if not godparents, we should at least decide on guardians," Spencer says, finally letting himself settle his gaze on the cash register and briefly widening his eyes when he sees the all too outrageous price growing ever higher as the cashier scans the last of the items from their cart. He tugs his wallet from his back pocket in what he hopes is a casual manner, half hoping that Joel won't even notice how much the final cost is, though Spencer knows there's absolutely no way around that. It isn't that he thinks his husband will be angry, just... surprised. Very surprised, the sort of surprised that might cause his blood pressure to rise, and Spencer would quite like to spare Joel the stress of worrying about money, regardless of the fact that they can easily afford this.

The cashier looks up at him with a smile then. "That'll be--"

"Here's my card," Spencer interrupts, handing it over before pulling on Joel's hand until his husband facing him. "Anyway, it's maybe verging on the edge of too cautious but if anything were to happen to us and your parents, we'd at least have the comfort of knowing that our child will be with people we trust." In all honesty, those people are few and far between and it's going to take more than a snap decision to come to an agreement over who they should designate as guardians; but the thought of it just makes Spencer feel better. More secure somehow. "This town, it's home but with everything that tends to happen, we're better off safe than sorry."

He's spent less and less time thinking up worst case scenarios since marrying Joel, but he hasn't lost sight of the possibilities of danger. Mark Fuller is still alive, still exists as a man who wants nothing more than to get to Joel, and it makes Spencer's stomach turn to think of the letter he'd received but these are the things he needs to consider so they can make sure nothing happens to their baby. He and Joel are going to be the sorts of parents who are fiercely protective, Spencer already knows that to be fact, and he has no doubt that his husband would do absolutely anything to make sure Spencer and their child are safe.

He threads his fingers through Joel's as he signs for their purchases, taking care to tuck the card and receipt in his pocket before Joel can get to it, and sighs heavily as he stares at the many bags they'll be leaving with before reaching for the first of them. "I suppose I ought to think on my grandfather," he says with a shrug. "The baby shower is supposed to be a happy day, after all. I wouldn't want to ruin it for anyone if he shows up and there's a scene. Or if he doesn't show up at all, and I spend most of the party wondering why."

He isn't sure which would be worse, but he knows he can't make Joel make the decision for him, as much as Spencer might want that. It's just that the idea of having grandparents on both sides for their child sounds so appealing, even if he'd spent all these years not caring very much himself to hear from his grandfather ever again.

[just_another]

It isn't exactly subtle, the way Spencer hands over his card before the cashier can even tell them the total, then does his best to keep Joel facing away from the register, but he only smiles and lets it happen. Later in the week, once they've received most of the online purchases they've made recently, he'll go through everything they have and see what they need to keep and what they can return. That's the only thought that keeps him from getting too stressed out when he thinks about the amount of money they've been spending, and he doesn't think Spencer will mind much if he does his best to make sure they don't have everything in triplicate.

"We're sure to think of someone," he assures Spencer gently as he takes the cart filled with bags and begins to head toward the front door of the store. If something happens to them, their baby will go to his parents first, of course, that's the thing that makes the most sense. But Spencer is right, it would likely benefit them to specify what should happen to the baby if his parents were no longer around or no longer capable of caring for a child. It's a little daunting, trying to imagine himself picking someone for his baby to go live with, but he knows it's necessary. They need to be smart about this, they need to be responsible, and they need to do what's necessary to make sure their child is always cared for, even if they can no longer be around to be the ones who are doing it.

"I think I would personally prefer it to be someone with some experience," he says. "Though I suppose that isn't a deal breaker." They don't have experience, after all, and the surrogate agency had still allowed them to go forward with this, so he supposes he can't base his entire judgment on that. "Someone who likes children then, at the very least. Someone who likes our baby in particular. This is the sort of thing that can wait, isn't it? Until we've seen people with the baby?"

He doesn't want to say that it would be a test, but he thinks Spencer will understand what he isn't putting into words. Over the first few months, they'll watch people with their child and they'll see who is best with him or her. He imagines the two of them might even make spreadsheets and he wonders if anyone they know would be insulted if they were to discover they've made a list of pros and cons when it comes to making them the baby's guardian.

As for the rest of it, he shakes his head a little and says, "Then maybe the shower isn't the best time for it. I'd want you to enjoy the day as much as you can. Adding that stress to what is already a stressful situation might not be the best. And maybe... I don't know, but maybe after so many years, he might prefer a more intimate meeting as well."

[doublethepain]

Every day, Spencer seems to find something else to add to the list of why he loves his husband. That Joel suggests something akin to a competition with unsuspecting participants as the choice method to find their baby's guardian is immediately added to said list because of course they'd have to screen their closest friends before making such an important decision. "Do you even know how much I love you?" he asks, his tone teasing. "That's exactly what we'll do and after we've had the chance to watch after the way people are with the baby, we'll compare notes." Because they're both sure to have notes.

It's at the mention of adding stress when it comes to grandfather that Spencer's smile fades a little. "I just..." He trails off with a sigh, feeling a bit embarrassed even though he knows there's no reason for it. Joel has never judged him for anything, not what he's said or what he's felt, and Spencer knows he can tell his husband absolutely anything without having to fear what sort of reaction he'll get. His biggest problem lies in the fact that he has absolutely no clue where to begin with this, and he wishes so badly that he could just beg Joel to tell him what to do, but it isn't his husband's burden to bear. He looks over at Joel with a sheepish expression before lowering his eyes back down to the ground as he walks along side the cart.

"I'm afraid that even if he does agree to meet with me, it'll only turn out to be a huge disappointment," he admits, cringing because even to himself, it sounds so childish. "I know that I can't really call him family in anything other than blood, and I know that he's spent almost my entire life not being there, but he's still my grandfather. He's the one connection to my father that I left and the thought of having him show up here just to wish that he'd stayed away... It'd just be another loss."

That's what it really comes down to, he supposes, it's what it's always come down to when it comes to his tendency to keep people at arm's length. He'd resisted acknowledging his feelings for Joel for as long as he had because he'd been afraid of letting someone get that close to him only to lose them. He can't go through what he had with his family again, he simply can't, and certainly not with Joel. It would most assuredly ruin him, and it's something he tries not to think about often but some days, he can't quite help it. He shakes his head at himself, at the dark turn he's dangerously close to taking in his mind, and scrubs a hand over his face. "God, I'm being an idiot, aren't I? I need to either do it or give up the idea altogether, it's not doing me any good just to worry about it like this when we have so many other things that need our attention."

[just_another]

"You'll never know unless you do it," Joel agrees, though he wouldn't call Spencer an idiot. There's nothing about this situation that's easy. His own grandparents aren't the kind of people he thinks he would call, not knowing the way they had treated his mother and father when they had first gotten together, but he could understand why his parents might have tried to get them involved. He and Charlotte are their only grandchildren and there's an urge to keep family together, regardless of what might have happened in the past.

"And I think it's going to drive you crazy until you do something about it," he adds as he steers the cart toward his car. Although he doesn't drive it very often, he's found that he's had to recently with all the trips they've been taking to pick things up for the baby. There's no way the two of them would be able to walk home with all these bags they have now and while he doesn't usually feel any particular emotion for his car -- it's just a vehicle, after all -- he is rather grateful that they have it at their disposal right now.

Opening the trunk, he begins to put the bags inside, then looks over at Spencer with a small smile. "You're going to think about it all the time. I can see it happening already and that's fine, I think I would think about it all the time, too. But the only way to know for sure one way or the other is to contact him and then it's done. If you reach out to him, you've done all you can and it can fall where it may."

He knows it won't necessarily be that easy, that there will be consequences either way, but he thinks that might be something that just has to happen. Spencer needs to know, whether he's ready to admit it to himself or not, and Joel doesn't blame him one bit. The idea is there, the seed has been planted, and he thinks the only thing to be done is to follow through with it. To really see where it goes. Maybe it won't result in anything, but then at least Spencer will know. At least they both will.

He closes the trunk, then reaches for Spencer's hands and gives them a gentle squeeze. "I think you need to do this. Maybe not at the shower, but I do think you need to try."