[closed - Spencer]

[just_another]

They've been in the store for approximately seven minutes and Joel is already wondering if this was such a good idea. It's necessary, he knows that. There are things they need to buy and with the baby a mere five months away, he knows putting it off any longer isn't the smartest decision. Soon enough the due date is going to be next week instead of five months from now, and he knows if they put things off it'll all just rush toward them like an oncoming train and there won't be a thing they can do to stop it. So they need to be here, they need to be shopping and thinking about what to do with the nursery and finalizing plans.

But Joel isn't sure they're going to make it out of the store with their bank accounts in tact.

Spencer has never given any indication that he's an especially excessive man. Joel would have adjusted to it if he had been, although it would have been strange. For someone who has spent most of his life counting pennies and taking care to always budget, it's been a bit of an adjustment to not have to do so anymore. Even though it isn't necessary, he still makes budgets and tries to follow them as best he can. Crossroads is on a strict budget and Joel makes sure they never spend more than he's allotted, because now that they're going to have a child -- children, possibly, one day -- they have to put money away for their future and he's been very diligent about this.

But it's different from the way he'd grown up. He's figured it out and made it work and he's adjusted his mentality when it comes to money, but it's taken some effort. It's been made easier by the fact that Spencer isn't the type to overspend, not by a long shot. He's had more money than Joel, but at a real price, one Joel wouldn't wish on anyone, no matter what the sum of money they got in return. And yet, despite having that money at his fingertips, he's still generally frugal enough that Joel hasn't had much of an adjustment to make.

Except when it comes to toys for their as yet unborn child. The bear Spencer had ordered had been absurd enough, but as Joel pushes a cart through the store, he looks down to see what Spencer has added and it's interesting to note there's a swaddling blanket -- just one -- buried under a pile of stuffed toys.

This is his life now, he thinks with a smile. He might as well get used to it.

Comments

[just_another]

It isn't exactly subtle, the way Spencer hands over his card before the cashier can even tell them the total, then does his best to keep Joel facing away from the register, but he only smiles and lets it happen. Later in the week, once they've received most of the online purchases they've made recently, he'll go through everything they have and see what they need to keep and what they can return. That's the only thought that keeps him from getting too stressed out when he thinks about the amount of money they've been spending, and he doesn't think Spencer will mind much if he does his best to make sure they don't have everything in triplicate.

"We're sure to think of someone," he assures Spencer gently as he takes the cart filled with bags and begins to head toward the front door of the store. If something happens to them, their baby will go to his parents first, of course, that's the thing that makes the most sense. But Spencer is right, it would likely benefit them to specify what should happen to the baby if his parents were no longer around or no longer capable of caring for a child. It's a little daunting, trying to imagine himself picking someone for his baby to go live with, but he knows it's necessary. They need to be smart about this, they need to be responsible, and they need to do what's necessary to make sure their child is always cared for, even if they can no longer be around to be the ones who are doing it.

"I think I would personally prefer it to be someone with some experience," he says. "Though I suppose that isn't a deal breaker." They don't have experience, after all, and the surrogate agency had still allowed them to go forward with this, so he supposes he can't base his entire judgment on that. "Someone who likes children then, at the very least. Someone who likes our baby in particular. This is the sort of thing that can wait, isn't it? Until we've seen people with the baby?"

He doesn't want to say that it would be a test, but he thinks Spencer will understand what he isn't putting into words. Over the first few months, they'll watch people with their child and they'll see who is best with him or her. He imagines the two of them might even make spreadsheets and he wonders if anyone they know would be insulted if they were to discover they've made a list of pros and cons when it comes to making them the baby's guardian.

As for the rest of it, he shakes his head a little and says, "Then maybe the shower isn't the best time for it. I'd want you to enjoy the day as much as you can. Adding that stress to what is already a stressful situation might not be the best. And maybe... I don't know, but maybe after so many years, he might prefer a more intimate meeting as well."

[doublethepain]

Every day, Spencer seems to find something else to add to the list of why he loves his husband. That Joel suggests something akin to a competition with unsuspecting participants as the choice method to find their baby's guardian is immediately added to said list because of course they'd have to screen their closest friends before making such an important decision. "Do you even know how much I love you?" he asks, his tone teasing. "That's exactly what we'll do and after we've had the chance to watch after the way people are with the baby, we'll compare notes." Because they're both sure to have notes.

It's at the mention of adding stress when it comes to grandfather that Spencer's smile fades a little. "I just..." He trails off with a sigh, feeling a bit embarrassed even though he knows there's no reason for it. Joel has never judged him for anything, not what he's said or what he's felt, and Spencer knows he can tell his husband absolutely anything without having to fear what sort of reaction he'll get. His biggest problem lies in the fact that he has absolutely no clue where to begin with this, and he wishes so badly that he could just beg Joel to tell him what to do, but it isn't his husband's burden to bear. He looks over at Joel with a sheepish expression before lowering his eyes back down to the ground as he walks along side the cart.

"I'm afraid that even if he does agree to meet with me, it'll only turn out to be a huge disappointment," he admits, cringing because even to himself, it sounds so childish. "I know that I can't really call him family in anything other than blood, and I know that he's spent almost my entire life not being there, but he's still my grandfather. He's the one connection to my father that I left and the thought of having him show up here just to wish that he'd stayed away... It'd just be another loss."

That's what it really comes down to, he supposes, it's what it's always come down to when it comes to his tendency to keep people at arm's length. He'd resisted acknowledging his feelings for Joel for as long as he had because he'd been afraid of letting someone get that close to him only to lose them. He can't go through what he had with his family again, he simply can't, and certainly not with Joel. It would most assuredly ruin him, and it's something he tries not to think about often but some days, he can't quite help it. He shakes his head at himself, at the dark turn he's dangerously close to taking in his mind, and scrubs a hand over his face. "God, I'm being an idiot, aren't I? I need to either do it or give up the idea altogether, it's not doing me any good just to worry about it like this when we have so many other things that need our attention."

[just_another]

"You'll never know unless you do it," Joel agrees, though he wouldn't call Spencer an idiot. There's nothing about this situation that's easy. His own grandparents aren't the kind of people he thinks he would call, not knowing the way they had treated his mother and father when they had first gotten together, but he could understand why his parents might have tried to get them involved. He and Charlotte are their only grandchildren and there's an urge to keep family together, regardless of what might have happened in the past.

"And I think it's going to drive you crazy until you do something about it," he adds as he steers the cart toward his car. Although he doesn't drive it very often, he's found that he's had to recently with all the trips they've been taking to pick things up for the baby. There's no way the two of them would be able to walk home with all these bags they have now and while he doesn't usually feel any particular emotion for his car -- it's just a vehicle, after all -- he is rather grateful that they have it at their disposal right now.

Opening the trunk, he begins to put the bags inside, then looks over at Spencer with a small smile. "You're going to think about it all the time. I can see it happening already and that's fine, I think I would think about it all the time, too. But the only way to know for sure one way or the other is to contact him and then it's done. If you reach out to him, you've done all you can and it can fall where it may."

He knows it won't necessarily be that easy, that there will be consequences either way, but he thinks that might be something that just has to happen. Spencer needs to know, whether he's ready to admit it to himself or not, and Joel doesn't blame him one bit. The idea is there, the seed has been planted, and he thinks the only thing to be done is to follow through with it. To really see where it goes. Maybe it won't result in anything, but then at least Spencer will know. At least they both will.

He closes the trunk, then reaches for Spencer's hands and gives them a gentle squeeze. "I think you need to do this. Maybe not at the shower, but I do think you need to try."