[closed - Spencer - March 9]

[just_another]

Joel knows this isn't a good day for Spencer. He knows it's not just his husband's birthday, he knows the other, much darker memories this day holds for Spencer and he's spent the better part of a month trying to figure out a way to both give his husband a special day and not disrespect the memory of what has happened to him.

He truly has no idea if he's done a good job or if he's really just made a mess of things.

But Spencer had told him that if he decided he didn't want anything, he would say something. If he decided it was too much for him in any way, he would only have to tell Joel and everything would be returned to exactly how it has been before. Any plans Joel made could be cancelled and he would never want to do anything that would make Spencer even a little bit uncomfortable or unhappy.

But Spencer hasn't said anything. And so Joel not only has gifts, he has a cake he baked waiting -- complete with little books drawn in icing, the other edges of the cake a delicate red that makes him think of the red thread -- and a bouncy castle.

The latter had been difficult to get into the yard without Spencer noticing, but Joel knows he hadn't slept well the night before, so ten minutes before the delivery men were set to arrive, he put Spencer to bed, insisting he close his eyes and rest for just a few minutes.

That has been half an hour ago and now there is a fully inflated bouncy castle -- designed for adults to bounce in -- set up in the back yard.

Joel is standing several feet from it, staring at it with a bemused expression. He can't remember the context in which this has come up, although he's sure Spencer does, and it looks funny and a little out of place in their yard.

But he's glad he's done it all the same. Spencer deserves something good for his birthday. He deserves to make new, happy memories.

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[just_another]

When Spencer leans down, his head against his chest, Joel buries his fingers in his hair, not holding him down, but holding onto him. Just enjoying the moment, the silence settling over them and the yard. The crickets and the frogs are going to start up soon, but for now it's just the two of them lying together, Spencer's warm body stretched out on top of his and he can feel that he might not be all that far off from growing aroused again, not if Spencer keeps this up. He doesn't even have to do anything out of the ordinary, he can just be close enough to Joel or look at him in the right way, and he can feel little tingles of pleasure spiking inside him. The trail of fingers against his skin, even just a smile, it's been a bit of a surprise for Joel to discover just how simple it is for Spencer to turn him on. He's never been this way with anyone else, he's never had such a deep, easy connection, something that just happens to him in a way he'll never be able to explain. It isn't just physiology, there's so much more to it than wanting to have sex, and he doesn't care if there are people out there who would roll their eyes. He doesn't care that some might think it's stupid just how desperately Joel has needed a serious emotional connection, too. He doesn't care about any of that, because the only thing that matters is that he found that connection with the man currently straddling his hips.

And there's nowhere else Joel would rather be. Today or any of the other days stretching out in front of them, their future limitless and full of possibility. The only person he wants to be with on any one of those days is Spencer. There's no one else in the world who'll be able to do these things to him, and Joel finds himself smiling softly, his fingers still combing through Spencer's hair before his husband sits up. It shouldn't shock him anymore, how much he loves this man, how incredible he finds him to look at, but Spencer sits up and he's smiling and the things he's said have sunk into Joel, warming him all the way through, making him feel good and wanted. Making him feel things he's really only ever felt with Spencer and he smiles back, sliding his hands up from Spencer's knees, over his thighs to finally grip his hips gently. He wants to say he'll do this every year, he'll find some way to make his birthday better and brighter, while never forgetting his family either. He wants to promise that he'll acknowledge how hard it is without denying Spencer to right to be happy, but he doesn't know if he can speak so he only shakes his head. They can't forget the cake, but they can take their time.

He sits up then as well, sliding his arms around Spencer, his hands resting against the small of his back as he leans forward and presses his forehead against the curve of Spencer's throat. He smells like sweat and sex and still a scent that's so distinct to him that Joel knows he'll never be able to mistake it for anything else. The idea of being able to identify someone by the way they smell would have once seemed so strange to him and it isn't something he notices until moments like these, when he's pressed as close to Spencer as he possibly can be, when there's nothing between them, when they've been intimate in ways he'll never be with anyone else ever again.

"I'll always be here," he promises, his voice soft. "Not just on your birthday, but every day." They both still have other responsibilities, but it's been so easy for Joel to just let this part of his life happen. It's opened him up to so much more and he knows he and Spencer spend more time around each other than they do anyone else, he knows they work together and go home together, sleep together at night and wake up together in the morning. He knows for a lot of people that would be too much, but it works for them. Not only does it work, but it's opened Joel up to other people in a way he never has been before. Being with Spencer, being this close to Spencer, having that support, it's given him the courage to let others in, and so while they still spend most of their time together, it's made Joel a much more open and social person than he's ever been before.

He pulls back after a moment, still smiling, and lifts one hand to brush some of Spencer's hair back. "It is really good cake, though, if I do say so myself." He hasn't often had the chance to do much baking within the last year, having Raleigh around to take care of it for them, but he likes doing it and he's glad he's been able to at least do this for Spencer's birthday. He isn't in any rush to start feeding his friends, but this is special and it's important. Of course, he'll always go out of his way for Spencer. They don't need a birthday or a holiday for that. Joel will go out of his way for Spencer simply because it's Wednesday, and he knows that will never stop either. He wants to be the sort of husband who never lets Spencer forget that he's loved. He wants him to feel that every single day.