just_another | [closed - Caden

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[closed - Caden - April 21]

Spencer has been in the palace for four days now.

The ball is in nine days.

And Joel is no closer to having made a decision of what he wants to do. In nine days he'll be expected to choose a bride or his brother will and Joel has no idea what might happen. He's more confused and conflicted with every moment that passes because he thinks he knows what he truly wants. No, he knows what he truly wants, but he has no idea how he's going to be able to broach the matter with his parents. They want him to choose a princess, they want him to start a family, respectable and presentable and able to take over the thrones when and if necessary.

But the more time Joel spends with Spencer, the more he realizes what he wants is right there. All of it is within that man who cannot speak, who seems to be in pain every moment he's walking, a man who can't explain where he's come from or who he is, but none of that matters. Joel looks at him and he just knows. Their time together is spent mostly in silence, but Joel has never been much of a talker. Caden has always been able to put his thoughts into words better than he has and he's often relied on his brother to be able to understand what he's feeling.

This is all so new, but he still knows if there's anyone he can talk to about what he's feeling, it's Caden. Even when he can't explain what he's feeling, Caden has always been able to figure it out and after Joel leaves Spencer with a promise to see him in just a little while, he goes to find his brother.

Who is, of course, reading in the gardens.

As he approaches, Joel smiles despite himself. With everything going on, he hasn't been quite so prone to smiling lately, but its difficult not to, finding his brother in what must be the most familiar position he's ever seen him in.

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The palace has been abuzz ever since Joel brought home his new companion, the strange, handsome man with no words. He seems nice enough, given Caden's fairly limited interaction with him, but really, the look that he puts on his brother's face is all Caden needed to give his stamp of approval.

He's not even sure if Joel himself knows what that look means, but Caden does. He used to see it all the time in the mirror.

Between Spencer and the approaching ball, Caden has found more desirable than usual to slip out to the gardens with a good book and curl up under his favorite oak tree. He gives little thought to the ball itself. He'll attend, of course, and he'll smile and dance. He'll act the good little prince and make his parents proud. Just like he always does.

A shadow falls over his book and he looks up to see his brother standing over him. Caden gives him a smile and sits up, placing his bookmark and setting the book aside. He looks around for Spencer because for the last few days, it's been hard to spot one without the other, but it seems that he's alone.

"Slipped away from our visitor long enough to remember that you have a brother, huh?" He's teasing, of course, and that shows plainly on his face.

Joel huffs out a soft laugh in response and sinks down beside his brother, draping his arms over his bent knees as he looks out on the gardens. Besides the beach, which will always be the one place Joel feels most at home, the gardens are his favourite part of the palace. The gardens or the library, both perfect in their own ways. It's always quiet out here, though, the expansive area covered in green and bursts of colours, pathways leading to private little nooks with benches and gurgling fountains, vines crawling over nearly every available stone surface. Their mother had put in night blooming flowers as well and Joel loves few things as much as the stone bench near the end of the garden where the jasmine blooms and he can smell that and the salt from the ocean all at once.

"It's been a busy few days, hasn't it?" he asks in return, reaching up to push some hair off his forehead. They both have pressures facing them, he knows that. If the ball comes and goes, and Joel still refuses to pick a bride, he isn't entirely sure what might happen, but he suspects all the expectation put on him at the moment might be shifted to Caden. As much as he wants to avoid having to pick a bride, as much as he wants to avoid being any kind of leader, the thought of pushing it all onto his brother isn't something that sits well with him either, just one more thing that Joel constantly feels weighing on his conscience.

"Spencer's with mother right now, she's trying to find him something to wear to the ball," he says, his voice dry. Whenever he thinks about Spencer at the ball, his heart begins to race, his mouth goes dry and he finds himself slipping into fantasies where it's just the two of them and no one else. It's all so impossible that the more he thinks about it, the more frustrated he becomes with himself.

Caden also prefers the beach to the gardens, usually, but now walking along the water's edge the way he used to love so dearly just leaves him with a melancholy ache. He feels to close to April when he's out there, and he always returns feeling a bit empty.

The way Joel speaks of the ball leaves little to the imagination as to how he's feeling about it. Caden knows of the pressures facing his brother, and he's truly sorry for it, but it's not something that either of them can exactly escape. No matter how badly they may want to, sometimes.

"Ah yes, the ball. Doesn't exactly feel like the happy affair that they're hoping it will be, does it?" Caden looks thoughtfully at his brother, noting the worry on his face. It's a vast difference to what he looks like with Spencer by his side, and Caden gives him a rueful smile. "You have more reason than ever not to choose a bride, don't you?"

It doesn't surprise him much that Caden is the only one to say such a thing to him. His parents might have some kind of idea, he's seen the glances they have cast between one another, but neither of them seem willing to broach the topic and for that Joel has been grateful. Caden, though, always seems to know what he's thinking and feeling, and he's always been willing to talk about things their parents won't and that's why Joel has sought him out. He's always appreciated his brother's candor, especially when he himself has never had such an easy time being as open about his feelings. Having someone who can read him has been a benefit to him many times in his life.

"I have no idea what to do," he admits, rubbing a hand over his beard before he shakes his head and looks down at the grass between his boots. The sun is warm on his shoulders and he closes his eyes for a second before lifting his head and looking up at Caden again. "They have a dozen women lined up for me to choose from and I can't in good conscience pick a single one of them."

But he has responsibilities. They both do. Their parents have been good and kind, they've been loving and caring, they've given Joel and Caden everything they could possibly hope for. They deserve the same kind of attention in return. They deserve the respect of their eldest son fulfilling his duties.

Caden knows his brother almost as well as he knows himself. There are no two people in this palace closer, he'd be willing to bet. Joel was there to help Caden through the entire ordeal with April, and he doesn't know how he would have gotten through it without him. It pains Caden to see his brother so obviously troubled, and he frowns thoughtfully as he slides across the grass a bit until their shoulders are brushing.

It was so much easier when they were kids running around the palace, terrorizing the staff and climbing trees. Things like princely duties and royal obligations were things to be worried about in some distant future. Unfortunately, that future is here. But still, Caden can't help but to want his brother to be able to live like that, with his only concern being his happiness.

"Joel," Caden says quietly, looking over at him. "Do you love him? And don't tell me the reasons why you shouldn't, or what you're supposed to do. I know that much. Just tell me, do you love him?"

The question feels like a blow. Like a fist hitting Joel in the sternum, hard enough to knock the breath from him and he breathes out, hard and pained, knowing he doesn't even have to consider his answer. And that's why Caden has asked, he knows that. He's always been able to read Joel so well, to see the parts of him that sometimes Joel himself feels like he can't see, and he's only asking because he already knows the answer. He's asking because he knows Joel knows, too. And he's asking because it needs to be said.

Joel needs to say it out loud. He needs to admit it to someone. He needs to hear the words.

"Yes," he says simply. "I have since I saw him on the beach."

He doesn't know how such a thing is possible. Joel loves stories and tales of all kinds. He's read countless books, he's told stories with Caden when they were younger, trading the thread of the tale back and forth until they'd managed to weave something both beautiful and absurd. Love at first sight is always possible in stories, but he's never truly believed it. A person can't love another without knowing them, but here he is, and he does love Spencer. He knows him. And he has no idea how.

Caden watches the expressions play across his brother's face, and he nods when he hears the answer. It rings with truth, not that Caden had any doubt, and in that moment, he knows what he must do.

He already met the one he loves like Joel loves Spencer, and it didn't work. There was no fairytale happy ending for them, not with how she turned him away. Caden remembers how it felt to sit on that beach after she walked away from him, how he stared at her retreating form and wished with everything he had that she would just turn around, look at him once more.

She never did, and Caden has never loved again. He doesn't think he ever will, not the way he loved her. So it's no real hardship, when he considers it. And when he realizes that he could help his brother have his very own happy ending, he knows that he would go to the ends of the earth to do it.

"I will take a bride at the ball," Caden says after a quiet moment, reaching over to rest a hand on his brother's shoulder. "I'll talk to mother and father, and let them know my decision. I'm sure I can choose someone lovely from who they've picked out, and I can provide the heir that they want so badly."

Caden is sure that none of the women lined up and offering their hands are in it for love, not really. He'll meet with them, and he'll pick one who he can get along with. He'll pick one that can be his friend, and who understands that she can never truly have Caden's heart, because it belongs to another. It'll be a nice life, if not the one he would have chosen.

"I want you to be happy, Joel." He smiles warmly, and his eyes are a bit glassy as he squeezes his shoulder. "I want you to be able to follow your heart, and it's clear that Spencer already holds it in his hands."

"I can't... you..." But for the moment Joel feels like he can't say anything, his words caught in his throat as they so often are. What Caden is offering is the biggest, kindest thing anyone has ever offered to him and while there's a part of him that wants desperately to take it, there's another part that feels like he can't. He can't expect his brother to take on all his responsibilities just because he's suddenly met someone he wants to be with. Maybe he can speak with their parents and convince them that Spencer can be part of the family. Joel doesn't have to marry a princess in order for the family to continue. He's adopted, after all, there's nothing that says he couldn't do the same if a child if what they require.

"I can't let you do that. I know it isn't what you want," he says. "It's my responsibility and I should... maybe I can talk to mother and father. They might listen, right? There are other options here than either of spending our lives unhappy."

He wants to be with Spencer more than anything. He feels it as if it were a physical part of him, this need to be with the man who saved him. But he can't stomach the idea of his brother taking over his duties either just to save him that life.

"Joel, I know you want the best for me, but what I truly want is an impossibility," he says with a brittle smile. April has made that much entirely clear. She has Caden's heart and there are days when he would very much like it back, but he can't seem to let go of her, no matter how hard he tries. "My dream is unattainable, but yours is right here."

He squeezes Joel's shoulder again, nodding reassuring when he meets his brother's eyes. "Let me do this for you, Joel. If I can't be with the one I love, helping you to be with the one you love is the next best thing I could hope to accomplish."

Joel shakes his head again, but he can feel himself relenting. "Let me talk to them first," he says. "We need to try that at the very least. I don't know what might happen if I speak to them about it, they might... I don't know."

He truly doesn't know. Everything feels far more difficult than it should and he hates it. As much as he didn't want to pick a bride before all this, the thought of it now makes him feel ill, because if he does that, it means there's no future for him and Spencer. The idea that he might have to say goodbye, might have to let him go, it makes Joel feel like something is crushing his heart.

"I don't even know that he returns my feelings," he adds a moment later, his voice hoarse. "This could all be for nothing." And if that's the case, Joel will do whatever his parents want of him, his heart far too broken to ever be repaired.

"We can speak to them together," Caden says with a reassuring smile. They've always done well when presenting a united front to their parents. Perhaps this time will be no different. He watches his brother's face and listens to his fears, smiling a bit wanly. "Joel, I know what it looks like when love isn't returned. I've seen it myself."

There's an ache in his chest as he thinks of April. The way her face looked just before she turned away from Caden is forever etched in his memory. She was cruelly beautiful that day, just like every other day, and she had made turning away from him seem so easy.

He voice breaks just a little and he swallows hard, doing his best to smile through the pain. This is about his brother, after all. Caden's is an old wound that refuses to heal, mainly because he won't stop picking at it.

"That's not what I see when Spencer looks at you," Caden says quietly, nodding and squeezing Joel's shoulder. "He left his home and is dealing with all of this craziness just to be near you. His face lights up when you walk into a room. Your feelings are returned, brother. I would bet all the books in the library on it."

"All the books in the library," Joel says with a laugh. "You are serious." And perhaps he's making a joke of it now, of Caden's chosen currency with which to place a bet, but they both love that library more than nearly any other room in the house. Even as children, they both spent so much time there trying to climb the shelves to reach the books near the top, the ones their parents thought they were too young to read.

Books have always been there for both of them. Stories, history, even science. Joel reads it all, devours it like nothing else, and his brother has always been the same. So he teases, but Caden's choice still lends his assurances a certain level of sincerity.

And he wishes he could do something more for Caden. He knows how much it hurt his brother to have April decide she didn't want to be involved with this world. Sometimes Joel understands what she meant, all the rules, all the scrutiny and pressure. And even now he's afraid that even if things do work out, it may prove to be too much for Spencer, too. This life is a lot to take on, there's no denying that.

"You're too good a brother," he says, looking up and giving Caden a smile. "I don't deserve such kindness."

"Oh please," Caden says with a bright laugh, sliding his arm around Joel's shoulders to pull him in for a brief squeeze before letting him go. "It is no great sacrifice, and I believe that you would do the same were our situations reversed. We'll talk to them soon, alright? We'll make it work somehow. You know that I am always on your side."

Caden smiles at his brother and takes a deep breath, deciding to move on from the heavy topic for the time being. His eyes shine with mischief as his smile grows. "So tell me, have you kissed him yet?"

At the question Joel flushes so deeply it feels as if his face is on fire and he rubs his palm against his cheek as if he can just brush it away. Although he doubts Caden has missed that Joel hasn't really had all that many romantic encounters, he's also gone out of his way to avoid talking about the few he has had. It's just been easier that way and there really hasn't been anyone worth talking about since Amy anyway. They had broken off their engagement so long ago that Joel thinks it's likely embarrassing he still thinks of her at all.

"No," he says, although he suspects Caden already knows that to be the case. "I keep thinking maybe I should. There are these... these moments and I want to and it seems right, but I keep second guessing myself and then the moment passes without having done anything at all."

He pauses and swallows hard, his cheeks still red under his beard, and he looks off into the garden, back in the direction of the palace. "I was thinking perhaps at the ball. It would be rather romantic, wouldn't it? Maybe it's a little silly to be thinking of romance when I'm going to be thirty in less than a week, but I don't know that he's ever had something like that. I think maybe he deserves that."

Caden lets out a delighted laugh as Joel flushes so deeply. It's always been so easy to make his brother blush, and sometimes Caden just can't help himself. His smile softens into something fond as Joel speaks and he finds himself nodding along. They're both such utter romantics. Complete saps.

"That does sound quite romantic," Caden agrees. His first kiss with April had been on the beach. It had been quite romantic to him, just this perfect moment suspended in time. "You'll know when the moment is right. Just don't let it pass you by."

Joel already feels as if there's been countless right moments and he's already silently cursed himself for letting them pass by when he knows he shouldn't have. But fear is a powerful thing and even though he knows Caden has said it's clear Spencer returns his feelings, he can't quite convince himself of that.

But as he'd decided the day in the market, rejection is better than never knowing. It's better than waking up one day, ten years from now, and still feeling that pang of regret he knows will come with never having said a thing.

"This has been something of a strange week," he says after a moment. "And with my birthday party and the ball yet to come." He isn't looking forward to the party at all, knowing his mother is using it as preparation for the ball, knowing she's invited all his prospective brides.

"Never a dull moment," Caden tells him with a small smile. He reaches over and claps him on the back again, rubbing his hand back and forth. "It'll all work out, brother. I have faith."

He drops his hand and pulls his book into his lap, nodding to himself. Joel and Spencer have something truly special, and Caden just has to believe that they'll have a happy ending. "I'll do my best to run interference at your party. I know mother can be a little, well, we'll say overzealous."

"Enthusiastic?" Joel asks with a grin, because that's certainly the right word to describe their mother. She means well, though, he knows she does, and he can't find it in his heart to be truly annoyed, not when she had every reason to hand him off to anyone else when she had found him. She'd taken him instead, she'd raised him, loved him, done everything a mother should.

He knows he's lucky. He knows he could have been found by anyone, but this was the family he'd been brought into and he'll always be grateful for that.

"I may have asked Spencer to meet me in the library that evening," he admits. "I thought it'd be a nice vantage point to watch the fireworks you know she's going to inevitably arrange."

"Nothing but the best for my dear, sweet prince," Caden says in a spot on impersonation of their mother. She's a wonderful woman and mother, but sometimes she can be a little steeped in tradition. Caden is glad that he and Joel were always able to connect so well.

"Leaving me to all the noble wolves, huh?" Caden teases, knocking their shoulders together. "I hope you know that I'll consider covering for you all night as your birthday present."

If Joel is going to disappear from his own party, Caden will need to run interference so no one will go looking for him. It's not like he has any other plans for the evening, and this may even keep him entertained.

"Just don't tell anyone where I've gone, that's all I ask," Joel says with a laugh. Most of the time people are too busy interacting with each other and drinking wine to really notice whether he's there or not, but he's certain there will be a few people looking for him. There's one princess in particular who's been particularly vocal about her hopes that Joel will choose her and while she's very sweet, he couldn't imagine his life with her even before Spencer.

"No one else seems to want to spend any time in the library during a party, so I should have that working in my favour," he continues. "I can't imagine anyone will come looking for me there."

"I like to spend time in the library during parties, dear brother, since my beloved gardens are always overtaken by couples looking to steal kisses. Or more." He laughs softly and shrugs a bit. "But sure, I'll run interference. I'll talk to a few of your hopeful ladies as well."

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[closed - Caden - April 21]

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