Joel Waters-Baker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
just_another) wrote2015-04-23 08:53 pm
just_another) wrote2015-04-23 08:53 pm
Entry tags:
[closed - Spencer - April 24]
The entire party would be unbearable, Joel thinks, if not for the knowledge that as soon as he's able to slip away, he's going to be meeting Spencer in the library. If isn't that the party itself is terrible, just that Joel has never been particularly good at them and nothing has changed, not in his entire life.
He's thirty years old as of today and his mother has made certain that nearly the entire kingdom knows it. The party is a bright, cheerful affair with plenty of eat and even more to drink, decorations draping the palace and making the entire place sparkle. It's beautiful and everyone is happy and Joel, with less than a week to go until the ball, is as happy as any of them because he's been making plans. There's a part of him that still feels incredibly guilty given what Caden has offered to do, taking a bride in his place so that he and his wife will take over the throne when it becomes necessary, but Joel is beginning to think it might not be the only solution.
That Spencer, if he's willing, may just be able to be the one ruling by Joel's side when the day comes.
He hasn't spoken plainly to his parents about it and they've still invited about a dozen princesses to his party tonight, but in their defence, the invitations had been sent out a month ago, long before Joel even knew Spencer existed. When he's with his mother, though, when he speaks about Spencer, she smiles knowingly and pats his hand sweetly and asks what sorts of flowers he thinks he might like when he gets married. She doesn't ask if he's settled on one of the princesses, she doesn't press for details, she just looks at him and it's like she knows. This is the best case scenario, that Joel can be with Spencer and still fulfill his duties to his parents, and he doesn't want to get his hopes up too high, just in case there's nothing to be done and he must pass his responsibilities along to Caden, but he feels good.
He feels truly happy.
When it seems like he might finally have an opportunity to slip away, his mother catches him by the wrist. "Don't go too far," she says to him before she presses a kiss to his cheek. "There are to be fireworks still and I have a feeling Spencer won't want to miss them."
She's been doing that, too. Going out of her way to find things she thinks Spencer might like. For tonight she'd gone to one of their personal tailors and had them create a jacket and tie for Spencer that are both comfortable and are just the right shade of dark blue to bring out his eyes. He looks wonderful and Joel finds himself distracted by the thought of him as he smiles at his mother and nods.
And then he's wandering carefully down the hall, smiling at guests, greeting them when they greet him, but all the while headed straight for the library. Straight for the man he's been waiting all night to see. This is the only birthday present he wants and he pushes open one of the heavy doors of the library, then slips inside and shuts it carefully behind him.
"Spencer?" he calls, his voice low. The room is large and empty, just barely lit by a few oil lamps here and there. It's Joel's favourite place in the entire palace and he can't imagine a better place to spend his birthday with the man who's quickly become his favourite person.
He's thirty years old as of today and his mother has made certain that nearly the entire kingdom knows it. The party is a bright, cheerful affair with plenty of eat and even more to drink, decorations draping the palace and making the entire place sparkle. It's beautiful and everyone is happy and Joel, with less than a week to go until the ball, is as happy as any of them because he's been making plans. There's a part of him that still feels incredibly guilty given what Caden has offered to do, taking a bride in his place so that he and his wife will take over the throne when it becomes necessary, but Joel is beginning to think it might not be the only solution.
That Spencer, if he's willing, may just be able to be the one ruling by Joel's side when the day comes.
He hasn't spoken plainly to his parents about it and they've still invited about a dozen princesses to his party tonight, but in their defence, the invitations had been sent out a month ago, long before Joel even knew Spencer existed. When he's with his mother, though, when he speaks about Spencer, she smiles knowingly and pats his hand sweetly and asks what sorts of flowers he thinks he might like when he gets married. She doesn't ask if he's settled on one of the princesses, she doesn't press for details, she just looks at him and it's like she knows. This is the best case scenario, that Joel can be with Spencer and still fulfill his duties to his parents, and he doesn't want to get his hopes up too high, just in case there's nothing to be done and he must pass his responsibilities along to Caden, but he feels good.
He feels truly happy.
When it seems like he might finally have an opportunity to slip away, his mother catches him by the wrist. "Don't go too far," she says to him before she presses a kiss to his cheek. "There are to be fireworks still and I have a feeling Spencer won't want to miss them."
She's been doing that, too. Going out of her way to find things she thinks Spencer might like. For tonight she'd gone to one of their personal tailors and had them create a jacket and tie for Spencer that are both comfortable and are just the right shade of dark blue to bring out his eyes. He looks wonderful and Joel finds himself distracted by the thought of him as he smiles at his mother and nods.
And then he's wandering carefully down the hall, smiling at guests, greeting them when they greet him, but all the while headed straight for the library. Straight for the man he's been waiting all night to see. This is the only birthday present he wants and he pushes open one of the heavy doors of the library, then slips inside and shuts it carefully behind him.
"Spencer?" he calls, his voice low. The room is large and empty, just barely lit by a few oil lamps here and there. It's Joel's favourite place in the entire palace and he can't imagine a better place to spend his birthday with the man who's quickly become his favourite person.
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It might not be true, he's been telling himself, the chambermaid might have misheard or taken it the wrong way, perhaps the queen was talking about Caden's wedding because the younger prince had said he'd be the one to take a bride in Joel's place; but at the same time, what he'd heard has been weighing on him all day and what's worse, all the hectic rush of everyone trying to make the final preparations for Joel's birthday has meant that he hasn't been able to see his prince for more than just a few minutes at a time throughout the afternoon.
When the sun had started to set, Spencer had watched from his window as Joel's guests started to arrive. It seems like nearly the entire kingdom has shown up to celebrate the occasion, in addition to beautiful princesses dressed in intricate gowns, some of whom seem to have as little to say as Spencer does. He feels a bit guilty for locking himself in his room when the queen had gone to the trouble of fitting him an entirely new suit for the party, and he does feel that he looks surprisingly dapper in it but what hope does he have in competing against the lovely women downstairs? He knows he shouldn't be thinking that way, not when Joel had as much as asked him to be his companion for the night and if the prince is wondering where he is, Spencer will feel terribly guilty for keeping him waiting for so long; but they're to meet in the library later and soon after the last of the guests have filed into the palace, Spencer makes his way there.
Maybe Joel won't end up coming here tonight after all; maybe he'll meet one of the princesses he's meant to choose as a bride and decide that she's far better company than a man who can't even speak could ever be; or maybe he'll be here like he said he would--which Spencer knows deep down is what will truly happen--and the night will be the best they've spent together since they'd met. The future is unpredictable, the whirlwind that has been the past week is evidence enough of that; but it's been worth every second of the confusion and pain because the love he feels for Joel overpowers absolutely everything else. It won't be unless Joel tells him in no uncertain terms that there is nothing between them that Spencer will give up on this and so, he spends his time plucking books off the shelves of the library while he waits until finally, he hears a familiar voice say his name.
It makes him freeze, a shiver rushing through him at that deep, strong tone, and he keeps his back turned to Joel for a moment just to regain control of himself before he slowly steps out of the shadowy corner he's been perusing and offering Joel a small smile.
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"Hi," he says as he pushes away from the door and he can't help it, he can't seem to stop himself from smiling. There's a part of Joel that wants to be able to do this all properly, that wants to court Spencer the way he's expected to court one of the princesses, although they've already broken the rules of such an engagement several times by being alone with one another. If he were to be doing this properly, following all the rules expected of a prince, they would have a chaperone with them at all times until their wedding, and the thought of such a scenario makes Joel's smile grow wider. They're not like that, they're not a prince and a princess waiting for their parents to decide if they're a good match. They've decided all on their own and they don't require chaperones, but Joel still wants to follow certain expectations. He wants to make sure Spencer knows what this is, that there's something between them, something important and special, and even if Joel only has a few more days or a few more weeks with him, he's going to make the best of it and he's going to find a way to make it work. Perhaps he won't be able to make such a promise in words until the night of the ball when everything is finally settled, but he can do whatever is possible to make Spencer understand that such a thing is coming. If he wants it. If he wants Joel.
"My mother wanted to remind us that there's to be fireworks a little later and I have a feeling she got them specifically for you," he continues as he comes into the room and joins Spencer at the shelf where he's standing. It's a tall, dark wooden construction and it's been here for as long as Joel can remember, which is the case with nearly all the shelves and books and chairs in this room. He has a vague memory of the day his grandfather died and his mother, appearing a fair bit less bereaved than others, had immediately come into the library and begun to take down the heavy velvet curtains that had covered the large windows. She had always hated them, hated the way they blocked the light, and so in the day the library is full of sunlight pouring in, but at night it lends a certain beautiful quality to the entire room that Joel has always loved. From the back windows he can see the ocean and when the moon is full and bright, as it is tonight, the entire library seems to be lit with a blue glow that overpowers even the light from the oil lamps. It doesn't surprise him for even a moment that Spencer looks truly beautiful in this light, his fine features thrown into light and shadow by the flickering of the lamps and the glow of the moon.
"But we can watch them from here," he says and then he reaches down and takes Spencer's hand, tugging him gently toward the back of the library. They move past large shelves towering over them, filled to the brim with books. Joel has made a go of it, but he knows he'll never be able to read every last volume housed in this library, even if he lives in this palace for the rest of his life. It's the most extensive collection he's ever seen and how knows how lucky he was to have grown up here, in a home that valued stories as highly as anything else.
From the back windows they can see the lawn stretching out toward the gardens on the left and to the right is the beach and the ocean, waves crashing onto the shore. The party has already spilled out onto the lawn and although in the dark he can't quite make out any of their faces, Joel can see most of the princesses clustered together, all of them shooting the occasional glance toward the door. Waiting for him. He feels a little guilty, but not enough that he'll leave Spencer's side. The library is dark enough back here that no one will be able to look toward the windows and spot them and he thinks they've likely found the best place for them to spend the rest of the evening.
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That acceptance means the world to him, it gives him hope that whether he gets his kiss and promise by the end of the ball or not, Ersa will be proven wrong about having just one chance. He would go to the greatest lengths to be with Joel, even it it would mean meeting just every so often somewhere along the shore in a spot that's hidden from anyone who doesn't know it's there. He would do that for the rest of his life without complaint as long as it meant he wouldn't have to give this up entirely. The thought of never getting the chance to look at Joel again, to admire the wild curls and the beard that Spencer wants to feel scratching against his cheeks, to be ripped away of the ability to simply take Joel's hand in his or press a kiss to his cheek under the transparent guise of innocence, it causes a deep ache in his heart that he knows would destroy him in the end.
When Joel steps toward him, he makes no mention of the princesses downstairs or the duties Spencer knows must be weighing on him; instead, he takes Spencer's hand to lead him to the back of the library that looks out on the grounds and speaks of fireworks. Spencer is familiar with fireworks, he'd briefly seen them before as a much younger merman, though he'd described them to his father as colorful starts bursting in the sky. He remembers asking what they meant, whether they represented something good or bad, but his father had only told him it was a human custom of celebration—whether or not the celebration was truly worthy of such a display would always be up for debate, and Spencer has tried but failed to determine what could count as worthy of the bright explosions of light in the sky. This particular occasion, Joel’s birthday, Spencer decides more than fits the description of something that ought to be honored with something so beautiful. Prince though he may be, Joel is a humble man, and he may not agree with Spencer’s assessment; but that doesn’t make it any less true.
It’s much easier to feel like Joel wants to be with him when they’re standing at the window like this, hand-in-hand in such a quiet, intimate place while the rest of the kingdom is attending the party without them. The flickering of the candle light casts shadows over the angles of Joel’s face in such a way that Spencer can’t take his eyes off him, nor does he think he possibly could even when the fireworks do start. His eyes linger on the curve of Joel’s lips as he bites down on his own, willing himself not to lean in right now and do exactly what he’s been wanting to do since the day they’d met. His fears of the prince choosing a princess over him are slowly leaving him, little by little, though he doesn’t want to get his hopes up too much because there is so much more to this than simply exchanging vows of love, he's realized that in the days that have passed.
It would make knowing for sure that Joel wants him that much more impactful, he thinks, and though he's impatient to discover what it will be like to have those lips against his own, Spencer knows that waiting for the right time, for just the right moment, can only make it better. So he squeezes Joel's hand instead, smiling softly before inching to the side to let their shoulders brush. Even if he can't get his kiss quite yet, he at least wants to be as close to Joel as he possibly can. He'll always want that.
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A few days earlier, Joel might have gently untangled their fingers just in case whoever was entering the room might jump to conclusions, but he's both expecting the maid that slips into the room and he's discovered he no longer cares. Anyone can look at them and reach whatever conclusions they want to, because when they see the prince and Spencer holding hands, whatever they think it's likely exactly what's going on and Joel isn't ashamed of that. He's proud of this developing relationship, wherever it may go, whatever steps he might have to take next, and he knows there are those who are going to look at him as if he's made a mistake, choosing Spencer over one of the princesses out there attending his party, but he doesn't care. While there are rules and duties for a prince, one of the nicest things about his title is that he really can do what he likes and the people who have negative opinions about it more or less have to keep their mouths shut.
"Sir," the maid says, her voice low as she casts a smile in Spencer's direction. "I've brought what you asked." She's carrying a tray with various kinds of food taken from the party, small sandwiches, vegetables and fruit, several different kinds of pastries and cupcakes. There's a bottle of amber liquid as well, less than half full, and two glasses with ice in the bottom. Joel does his best not to ask the maids of too much, especially not the ones who are close in age to him. They're the children of the maids who had been serving in the palace when he had been a child, they'd played together often, climbings trees or reading books in this very room, and it's strange to think they're supposed to be serving him now. But sometimes it benefits him, in moments like these, when he has a friend willing to go behind the scenes of the party and arrange something special for him when he asks.
"Thank you," he says as she sets the tray down on a nearby table. Her smile grows just a bit, flashing in the low light of the room and although her expression doesn't seem to change otherwise, he catches a familiar glint in her eye. She doesn't have to say a thing for Joel to know what she's thinking, that she's assuming something might happen here tonight, and Joel laughs before he flaps his hand at her. Another benefit of having grown up with some of the maids is that they don't seem to take offense when he chases them off.
"Happy birthday, Joel," she calls over her shoulder as she disappears from the room again and he huffs out a soft laugh before returning his attention to Spencer. The window they're at has a cushioned seat set into the sill, one of Joel's favourite parts of the library, another addition his mother had taken upon herself to include when his grandfather had died. It's large enough for the two of them and Joel touches Spencer's shoulders, urging him to sit down before he turns back to where the maid has left the tray, and drags the entire table a little closer so they can reach it from where they're sitting.
"Have you ever had whiskey?" he asks as he takes the bottle and pours two drinks carefully, one for himself and one for Spencer. He doesn't often drink it himself, doesn't usually drink any alcohol in general, but something about tonight had called for this. It's his father's drink in a lot of ways, but it's one Joel quite enjoys as well and there's something that simply feels right about sharing it with Spencer even if he can't explain it. He sits down on the window seat as well, then offers one of the glasses to Spencer. "I have no idea what you might think of it if you've never tasted it before, so this might be interesting."
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Joel hadn't pulled away. Sarah had entered the room, and Joel hadn't pulled away. He doesn't know why that singular fact seems so significant but it does, it means to Spencer that Joel isn't trying to go out of his way to hide what's certainly been building between them. They're not in the library because Joel wants to keep him from the party or is too ashamed to have Spencer at his side outside of these walls but because this place can be just for them. It's perfect in so many different ways, from that candelight to the display of fireworks he's been promised to the glass of whiskey Joel is pouring for them right now. Spencer shakes his head at the question of having had it before, taking a glass and bringing it to his nose for a sniff of the liquid.
In an instant, he's reeling, holding the glass out in front of him and practically gagging at how strongly the scent had traveled through his nose, and he gives Joel an affronted look before tilting his head closer to the glass to better look it over. If Joel is offering it to him, there's surely nothing wrong with it, and he doesn't know what whiskey is or what it's meant to do, but he does know beyond a shadow of any doubt that the prince would never give him anything with ill intention. That doesn't stop him from giving the prince one more suspicious glance before he's tilting the glass back against his lips to take the tiniest of sips that he can manage, the taste of the drink filling his mouth before it even hits his tongue and then he's coughing at the burn of it going down his throat.
In between gasps for breath, he thinks he can see a small, amused smile out of the corner of his eye as Joel takes a drink of his own, peering over the glass to watch as Spencer makes his attempt to recover from what possibly should have been an expected reaction, considering what merely the smell had done to him. Still, after he's done with his coughing fit and has let things settle for a moment, he realizes there's now a distinct warmth in his belly that hadn't been there before he'd tasted the whiskey. There's something comforting about it, something familiar, even though he's certainly never had the honor of being offered this drink before, and so he takes another careful sip.
This one stings a bit less than the last--he doesn't stop to cough this time, at least--and he smiles delightedly at the way that warmth within him seems to grow, turning to Joel to smile with an approving nod. The taste is something he has to grow accustomed to but he supposes that isn't such a horrible thing; what makes it all the easier is having the prince here beside him, being the one to assist him in discovering new interests and desires that he'd never even known existed before, and he takes another longer sip of his whiskey before pointing at one of the items on the tray that's set before them and giving Joel a questioning look. He barely waits for permission--in fact, he doesn't wait at all--and reaches out to take it from the tray, recognizing it as a cupcake, which the kitchen maids had let him taste while they'd fiddled with different flavors and icings for the final recipe.
He remembers it being sweet, delicious, but this one is better and his eyes flutter shut as he takes a bit of the cupcake, reveling in the way it overpowers the taste of the whiskey on his tongue. A sip of whiskey, a bite of cupcake, this is clearly the best way to make the most of both, and perhaps it's a bit selfish of him but Spencer can't help but feel smug at how wonderful an evening he's already having up here in the library with Joel while the rest of the party mills about downstairs. This is the life he wants, spent counting private moments with his prince and falling deeper in love with this man and this world alike, all the while knowing that he hadn't even needed to speak to make it happen.
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"I'm sorry," he says with a soft cough of laughter. "You'll get used to it, I promise. It gets much better." Years ago, when he had turned twenty-one, Joel's father had invited him to have a glass of whiskey and he had reacted in much the same way, first giving his father a look of apprehension and then coughing for what felt like an endless moment after taking his first sip. But since then he's grown to love it. The initial sting, the way it spreads a warmth all the way down his throat and into his chest, the way it makes him feel quiet and a little contemplative. It's appropriate for a night like tonight, he thinks, feeling that way. He's here, he's turning thirty and his life is supposed to change significantly in the next week whether he wants it to or not, but he's come to very much want it to. He's come to find the changes happening to him more than desirable and it's all because of the man sitting with him. Quiet contemplation works for tonight and he shifts on the cushioned window seat, twisting so he can better see Spencer lit by the light of the moon falling through the panes.
He hasn't had much of a chance to do this, to really look at Spencer, and although he's thought right from the start that he's an exceptionally attractive man, it's looking at him right now in this particular light that really drives home how incredibly beautiful he is. There are shadows in the hollows of his cheeks, the sharp edges of his cheekbones and his jaw standing out in the pale blue light. The moonlight sort of saps the colour out of everything, but Joel doesn't need that in order to remember the exact colour of Spencer's eyes, the way he imagines them lighting up as he bites into the cupcake. The men and women who work in the kitchen of the palace are incredibly talented, something Joel has tried to emulate himself, and while they've always been perfectly content to give him lessons, and while he thinks he's actually quite a good baker after spending several years learning from them, he's never been allowed to help prepare for events. Possibly because everyone involved thinks it might look back, but he can't help but wonder how much more pleasure he'd get out of the moment if he had been the one to bake the cupcake Spencer is so enjoying.
Joel takes a sip of his whiskey, enjoying the way it warms through his body and he pauses, wetting his lower lip with the tip of his tongue when he notices a smudge of chocolate icing at the corner of Spencer's mouth. He moves in a strange, jerky fashion, his arm lifting and them abruptly falling before he looks down at his lap, wondering what it is he thinks he's doing. No matter how much he feels like he and Spencer are on the same level, no matter how clear it is to him that his feelings are returned, when it comes to this, to a moment where he has to make a choice, Joel finds he's suddenly second guessing himself all over again. If he does this, if he reaches for Spencer like he so badly wants to, he's risking the kind of rejection he thinks just might crush not only his heart, but his spirit as well.
But it's a risk he must take. He has to.
So he lifts his drink and downs the rest of the whiskey in one swallow, letting it take a moment to do the work he knows it will, letting it feed his confidence until he can set the glass down. And then he reaches for Spencer. He cups the edge of his jaw, then stretches his fingers out, sliding them gently along against the side of Spencer's neck before he uses his thumb to wipe against the hint of icing he'd spotted just moment before. His thumb brushes over Spencer's lip, pulling it down just slightly, and it's barely anything at all, but Joel feels every last desire he's ever had suddenly burned into this moment and this one alone.
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All it would take is one or the other to move another inch forward, a slight tilt of the head so that their lips could fit perfectly against each other the way Spencer knows they will and in the same way their hands already do. Over the course of the last week, the sheer strength of the love he has for this man has threatened to overpower him to the point of tears and a couple nights, he'd given in to that while he'd been alone in his bed during the late hours of the evening. What he wouldn't give to make his wish come true, for Joel to show him that his feelings are returned, because Spencer can't say the words until he gets the kiss but without those same words, he doesn't know for sure that he'll ever know the touch of the prince's lips in time.
If there wasn't only a mere week left, Spencer wouldn't be so concerned. If they could carry on this way for months, he would be so much more confident about where their relationship go could, but he has no choice but to be wary of the time that has been given him. He hasn't often been known to be selfish but in this case, he has to be, there are no other options but to be the most selfish man in this human world. Joel is the man he wants, the only man he wants; but then, he doesn't just want this, he needs it. With all his heart, with every last bit of his soul, he needs this love to be real, to exist between them the way he thinks it does. He needs to know that he hasn't merely imagined every affectionate glance or touch, each promise that Joel has already made him, and even if it may not be the right now, even if this isn't what the prince is intending in this moment, Spencer can't stop himself from wetting his lips as he lifts his own hand to trace a finger against the line of Joel's jaw.
Even the booming that sounds from the sky just barely startles him now that he's so focused on being this close to Joel, and he takes a risk by leaning forward just to let their foreheads touch. The bursts of color in the sky cast glows across what Spencer can see of Joel's face, and he knows that the queen had kept him in mind for the spectacle but there's nothing that could distract him from this moment, nothing that could make him want to move or look away or even speak if he could. The fireworks continue but time in the library seems to stand still, both of them practically frozen but for their breathing, and Spencer doesn't know how long they'll stay just like this but he hopes that when they do finally pull away from each other, he won't see any regret in the prince's eyes.
It occurs to him then, for reasons he can't quite place and even later won't be able to, that Joel might not realize just how badly Spencer wants to be with him. The prince has never asked, after all, whether Spencer views him as more than just a friend; he's never asked whether that kiss to the cheek had meant anything more than a greeting. Spencer knows perfectly well, of course, that he's deeply in love with Joel but the thought that the prince might not be aware of it, that the prince might not look at him and simply know without a doubt that Spencer feels that way, is suddenly so troubling that it prompts Spencer to swallow hard and pull back just slightly so he can get a better look at Joel's expression. There's desire there, he thinks, though he's never known what desire looks like so really, it could be anything; but Spencer is certain that he's looked that way quite a few times of the course of the week, so it's the best assumption he can make. Also present in those eyes, though, is what Spencer perceives to be a hint of fear.
His lips part as if he's ready to say something but it's to neither's surprise that nothing comes out, and Spencer gives a slight shake of his head out of frustration before knitting his brow together, trying to think of what he could possibly do to make Joel see. It hits him then and the answer seems so simple. The first day they'd met, they'd laced their fingers together and Spencer had left Joel with a kiss. He does the same now, reaching for Joel's free hand with his own so their fingers are entwined like they'd been before they'd taken their seats by the window, and after a brief pause, Spencer leans forward again to press a soft kiss against Joel's temple.
He lets his lips linger, perhaps a little longer than he ought to, but a small part of him fears what the reaction may be. If he's read all of this wrong, Spencer knows he'll be devastated by the rejection but when he pulls back a second time to search Joel's eyes for any sign that the prince wants more, he feels more confident than he has the entire week that he's made the right choice.
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This is home. Wherever Spencer is, that's where Joel belongs.
It's terrifying. It's the single strongest thing he's ever felt, a certainty like nothing else, a clenching around his heart like he's been caught in a steel trap, but it isn't like that at all. It isn't like being trapped, it's much more like being drawn in, welcomed, brought to the place he's always supposed to have been anyway. The tightness in his chest doesn't hurt, it doesn't feel like he's being held down or restrained, he feels more free than he ever has before. Spencer has given him so much, not only his life, but a place of belonging, and he's done it all without being able to say a single word. Joel still doesn't know what it all means, he still doesn't think he's capable of unravelling all the mysteries of the past week, but maybe none of that matters. Maybe he doesn't need to understand in order to make the best of what he's being offered with such a simple gesture. A brush of lips against his temple, a reminder of those first few moments on the beach when he'd wanted nothing more than to curl himself against Spencer's chest and hold him tight and never let him go.
And that's what he wants now. Joel shifts again, his hand still resting against Spencer's jaw, Spencer's fingers still against his skin, and he moves closer. It would take just a movement, barely anything at all, and he'd be able to nod their mouths together. A kiss from Spencer would be by far the best birthday present Joel could ever wish for and so he lets out a soft, shuddering breath, a simple sound that he's sure reveals all his fears, all his nerves and all his desires in the briefest of moments. Then he's leaning forward, he's closing the distance between them, his heart beating so hard he can hear it in his ears, an echoing thump he can feel in his throat as well, fluttering against Spencer's fingers. He has to be able to feel how quickly Joel's heart is beating, how hard it's pumping, and Joel wants him to know it's all due to this. To their proximity, to the way Spencer makes him feel. It's as if his entire life has been set alight.
He's so focused on Spencer that he doesn't hear the door open. It isn't until he's a mere breath away from pressing his mouth against Spencer's, just a split second from finally feeling Spencer's lips under his, that he realizes someone is calling his name and he's so startled that he blinks, his eyes flying wide open, though he doesn't immediately move away. He should. He knows he should. No one else knows about this except Caden. His mother might have some ideas, but he hasn't spoken with her, and certainly none of the guests know what he feels for this man who saved him. If the rest of the kingdom is to find out, and they most certainly will, it still must be done properly. He needs to reveal the information in the appropriate manner and having someone catching them kissing in the library is perhaps not the best way to go about it.
His mouth twists in an apology before he pulls away and he hates that he has to. He hates himself for all of this, for not being able to just dive head first into what they both so clearly want, but more than that, he hates whoever it is has come looking for him at a time when he should be allowed just the slightest bit of privacy.
He hates her with a burning vehemence until she comes into the light and he sees it's Amy.
Their interactions have been limited for a long time, ever since she ended their engagement, but they've been on relatively good terms regardless, and Joel feels his heart lurch at the sight of her. She looks beautiful, dark hair pulled back, a deep purple gown laced with intricate gold patterns, her skin pale and smooth. She's beautiful, she always has been, but nothing about her pulls him in the way Spencer has managed, and he doesn't let go of Spencer's hand as she comes forward.
"I'm so sorry," she says as soon as she realizes they aren't alone. "I... I saw you slip in here earlier, I thought... I'm so sorry."
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That's all Spencer can think when he hears the woman's voice calling Joel's name, when Joel pulls away from him, when the lump in his throat won't go down no matters how many times he tries to swallow it. His body is tense with anticipation for something that won't come, not now that the moment has been ripped away from them, and he's never been the type to hold grudges or be especially negative but for this particular transgression, Spencer thinks he'll never forgive this woman, whoever she is. He can't find the strength yet to lift his head to even look at her, keeping his eyes fixed instead on his and Joel's fingers still laced, and he supposes there's at least that to latch onto. Joel had been ready to kiss him, they'd come so close, and there's a trace of sweat beading at his hairline from the tension in his shoulders but knowing for sure now that Joel wants what he wants is the only thing keeping the frustrated tears welling in his eyes from spilling down his cheeks.
There's still time, he reminds himself, finally shifting his gaze to glance at the woman at the door through the curtain of his hair and just like that, his heart seems to drop out of his chest. She isn't a maid, she isn't just anyone, she's clearly a princess. A princess who'd come looking for Joel, who is apparently familiar enough with him already if she'd so casually called out his name, and Spencer is holding Joel's hand but he can't help but humor the little voice in the back of is kind that is telling him that in the end, he'll never get the chance to hold Joel's heart.
The obstacles are too great, between his inability to explain everything to Joel even if he could and Joel's duties and beautiful princesses who are surely just as--if not more--worthy of a prince's love and the fact that they are worlds apart. He will always be in love with Joel, there's no stopping so great a force as this, but Spencer fears that if they're too late, if there is too much stopping them, then the moment he has to return to the water, he'll stop being a part of Joel's life. He's never felt sicker over anything, the thought that he could be so easily forgotten by someone who means everything to him, and he has to bite down hard on the inside of his cheek to keep his expression from twisting into something anguished because the princess is staring at him now, as if trying to determine whether or not he's really there.
Or perhaps whether or not she deems him worthy of her attention at all.
If either Joel or the princess have said anything to him, Spencer doesn't hear it. There's a rush of blood to his head that hits him so suddenly that for a moment, he thinks he's lost his ability to hear and speak before he realized the fireworks have come to a stop and there's nothing else to fill the silent void among the three of them on the library. Nothing really needs to be said, he supposes, because though the princess had been the one to interrupt their moment, Spencer very much feels like he's the one intruding. That is what prompts him to slip his hand from Joel's, bringing it scrub over his face before he reaches for his unfinished glass of whiskey and pushes himself to his feet. It pains him, of course, not only because of the enchantment but because he's come to realize that there seems to be a physical ache that comes with being apart from Joel, but he thinks that this is what's right. This is what's necessary, at least for now.
Maybe once the princess has gone on her way, they can go back to where they'd been; maybe a whole new moment will arise between them that won't be stopped this time; or maybe Joel will simply be reminded that he's needed at his own party and leave to mingle with who he'd been meant to for the rest of the evening. There is so much about all of this that comes as a mystery to him--how he's supposed to react, what he's supposed to assume, whether he's allowed to be as frustrated as he is right now--and he's never been through this before, has never had to think about this and now, with the ball so quickly approaching, it's all coming to a head.
Rationally, he knows he shouldn't be so fast to jump to any horrible conclusions. What exists between him and Joel is real, he's quite sure of that, but even as he gives a slight bow to the princess and offers a strained smile to Joel, he thinks that preparing for the first--that is, preparing for what very well could be a broken heart--may not be the worst of ideas. Unsure of whether it's acceptable of him to remain involved in whatever conversation the prince and princess are going to have, he wanders a few feet away with glass in hand to pretend to observe the shelves and quietly contemplate what the rest of this evening is going to bring.
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"Emily is hardly a baby anymore," Amy says with a laugh and while she's speaking to Joel, her gaze flicks toward Spencer when he gets to his feet. Something in Joel's chest lurches uncomfortably when Spencer lets go of him and his brows draw together in a pained expression. Their moment is gone and he wonders if it's the only one he'll be given, if something has changed in the time since Amy slipped into the room, if suddenly Spencer realizes what he's getting himself into and how little he truly wants it. A little piece of Joel feels like it's breaking apart at the thought, crumbling under the awful weight of it, and he's only partly paying attention to Amy when she speaks.
"She's nearly three now. Will and I left her with my parents tonight," she continues. "We couldn't very well miss your thirtieth birthday, not when I've known you for as long as you've been able to grow that beard. Which," she says, addressing Spencer, "has been a disturbingly long time. You can't imagine how strange he looked at thirteen, his voice still terribly high, skinny and awkward, and yet somehow managing to grow a full beard before any of the other boys his age."
"Ah, yes, thank you for that," Joel says, coughing back laughter. He's trying so hard to hold onto what he and Spencer have just barely missed and he knows he should be grateful to Amy for seemingly trying to disarm the situation with talk of her husband and their daughter, with discussion of just how long she's known Joel. Despite the fact that they were engaged once upon a time, it makes her come across as unavailable, not at all threatening and while Joel doesn't know if that's how Spencer sees him, it does bring him a certain level of relief. Amy's a perceptive woman, she always has been, and she knows she's interrupted something here. Something special, something important and while she can't very well just run off without making things too awkward, she's doing her best to make it clear that whatever has been happening, she isn't here to take it apart.
Even if she has unintentionally.
"I'm Amy," she says, stepping toward Spencer and offering her hand. "My parents have been friends with Joel and Caden's parents since long before any of us were born. I practically grew up with them. My husband and I live with my parents in the palace near the hillside."
"This is Spencer," Joel says, getting to his feet as well. He crosses to where Spencer is standing and touches the small of his back, finding he desperately needs to be close to him now. Amy does look beautiful, but all those feelings he once carried for her, even after she broke off their engagement, they're gone. He looks at her now and he feels nothing like what he feels for Spencer. She smiles and his heart is warmed, but only in friendship. "He saved my life."
"He's also always had a penchant for sailing straight into storms like a fool," she says, her mouth tightening slightly as she turns her all her attention to Spencer. "Given that you've saved him, though, you will have my undying gratitude and anything else you may ever require from me. I've not always had many friends and Joel has been one of the very best I've ever known. It would be terrible to lose such a man, no matter how incredibly stupid he may be from time to time."
"She's doing quite the job of talking me up at my own birthday party, isn't she?" Joel asks Spencer and all he can do is hope his hand on Spencer's back isn't unwelcome. All he can do is pray their moment isn't lost forever, that he'll be allowed to stand this close to the other man for every day for the rest of his life.
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What helps most of all, though, is the hand resting on his back. He'd stepped away from Joel, practically numb to the pain in his legs, in an effort to give the prince his space if he'd needed it but that doesn't appear to be the case. Joel had gravitated right back toward him, and it's all Spencer can do to lean into the touch without throwing his arms around this man he loves so much that even the slightest hint that their relationship might end up doomed is enough to send him into a downward spiral of heartrending anguish. Instead, what he's been met with is what he allows himself to interpret as reassurance that Joel won't forget about him simply because a beautiful woman walks through his door, and Spencer feels foolish now for even entertaining that notion in the first place.
Joel is a good man, in every possible way that Spencer can see, and even to someone he's known for barely two weeks, he's done nothing to indicate that he'd ever do anything purposely hurtful. He wouldn't lead Spencer to believe that he wants anything more than friendship between them if it wasn't the truth, and Spencer believes that with all his heart. Even if he weren't so certain, it isn't as if Joel would have anything to gain by being with him. He isn't of royal blood, he comes from no known kingdom, he has no way to speak, and most certainly, striking up a relationship with him would do very little for the prince's reputation. In fact, a romance between them would likely do more damage than good, especially if the entire kingdom is very much aware that their prince is meant to pick a bride who will one day rule by his side; but as much as Joel clearly loves his parents and wants to honor them the best he can, he doesn't seem to appreciate the obligations he's held to quite as much.
What endears him most now to the woman who's still smiling at him, strangely, is the way she's studying him. It's not exactly with a scrutinizing gaze, nothing so harsh, but Spencer suspects that she's trying to decide whether he's worthy enough of Joel's company--at least, Joel's private company--and he can't say that he wouldn't do the same if their roles were reversed. The prince can take care of himself, protect himself, decide from himself who he wants in his life, but that doesn't stop the people who care for him from trying to do all of that for him anyway. In that way, he's found something in common with Amy, and it's that slightly more equal footing that lets him relax enough to glance at Joel with a more genuine smile but pointed look before reaching out to gently prod the spot on Joel's head that had been hit the day of the storm.
It could have been so easily avoided, he wants to say, rolling his eyes playfully before bringing his hand down to rest on Joel's hip. It's the truth but at the same time, it's exactly what had brought them together, and Spencer would never choose to have Joel hurt for his own gain but maybe all things do happen for a reason. That storm had cleared so quickly after Spencer had brought Joel back to shore, maybe they'd been meant to meet that day all along; they'd just needed the push, the reason.
Quite possibly for a beat too long, his eyes remain fixed on the prince's, his smile a bit too dreamy and smitten to be mistaken for anything else, but a soft cough from Amy's direction has him snapping his gaze back to her, cheeks already flushing from being caught looking so lovestruck. He wonders what he's meant to do now that the tension has lessened, taking another sip of whiskey--failing not to shudder at the burn of it down his throat--and gesturing with his glass to the tray that Sarah had brought in earlier.
"You're awfully sweet," she coos, arching what looks to be an accusatory brow at Joel before she breaks into another charming grin. "Your prince could learn a thing or two about manners from you but no, the queen has been trying to fill me to the brim with all sorts of things downstairs so I'd better not. Besides, I doubt that I should be intruding any more on the evening you two have planned. A bit extravagant of you, isn't it, Joel? Throwing a party for yourself when there's already a sizable one happening just below your feet."
Spencer can hear in her voice that she's teasing, and it only makes him all the more comfortable at having had their moment interrupted. At least it hadn't been by someone seeking Joel out to try to woo him before the ball or perhaps worse, by the king or queen demanding that Joel spend his time with the rest of his guests rather than solely with Spencer. As much as he wishes that Amy hadn't walked through the door, Spencer supposes that if it had to have been anyone, it's better than it'd been her. She's certainly well-suited to her title, wearing a certain grace as if it were a glove, and Spencer can see why Joel would get along with her so easily.
He only wishes that the circumstances of their first meeting could be different; he wishes that he could have more time.
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"Well, you know me, Amy, I do love to be the centre of attention," he says, his voice dry, and she laughs at that. He's had a few close friends over his lifetime, but few of them as close as Amy for a number of reasons. Once she's gone he thinks he should probably tell Spencer what they'd been to each other once, that at seventeen he had truly expected that he would be spending the rest of his life with her, that he'd loved her more than he had ever known he could love a person. That's all changed, of course, with Spencer's arrival. He hasn't been holding a flame for Amy, he hasn't been waiting for her, he'd known since the moment she gently let him down that there was really never a future for the two of them, but he hadn't known love like that again. Not until now.
And this is different, too. This is more intense than anything he'd ever felt for her. It had happened so quickly and it doesn't feel the same. He realizes now that what he'd felt for Amy had been immature, a child's version of love, of expectation. He had wanted her and he'd loved her, it would be silly for him to pretend otherwise, but what he feels for Spencer now is far more real. It's lasting. If he and Amy had gotten married, eventually they would have just ended up friends. Perhaps they would have had a child, perhaps not, but their relationship wouldn't have remained romantic, he can see that now.
And he doesn't need to tell Spencer all the details, but he at least owes him the truth of who Amy had been to him at one time. He's relieved and extremely grateful that she's being so kind to Spencer, though he doesn't know why he would have expected any different. Amy's a powerhouse much in the way his mother in, but he's never been anything but good to him and his family.
"I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday," she says, leaning in to press a quick kiss to Joel's cheek. Then her gaze falls to Spencer again and her smile brightens and Joel remembers the moment he fell in love with her in the first place, that spectacular smile. "And you," she says. She reaches out and touches Spencer's shoulder. "You take good care of him. As you've surely already noticed, he's wonderful with other people and terribly incapable of taking care of himself."
Joel would deny it and is thankful for the low light in the library, but in that moment he feels dangerously close to tears. Caden has given Joel his support, but he's really the only one who's spoken to him about this. To have Amy so freely giving the same without being asked, without being told what's really going on, it means more to Joel than he thinks he'll ever know how to say. He manages to give her a faint, trembling smile and she squeezes Spencer's shoulder before she turns and heads for the door. Joel watches her go, remembering how it had felt to watch her walk away from him after she'd ended their relationship. How certain he'd felt he would never feel the same way about anyone, how certain he was that he would be alone.
And how wrong he had so clearly been.
"And that was Amy," he says, then laughs softly as the door clicks shut behind her. "She can be a bit overwhelming at times, but I suppose I've gotten used to it over the years. She really has been around the palace for as long as I can remember."
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This woman he doesn't even know, this woman he's only just met, seems to have understood just by being in the same room as them that he and Joel share something strong, something that could last if only they can make good use of the time that's left of them, and Spencer feels such an intense wave of gratitude toward her than he very nearly reaches out to pull Amy into a hug. He doesn't know how appropriate that is, though, because he suspects that Joel's patience with him--even Caden's, as well as the king and queen's--is quite a bit different than what's expected of most royalty. He's seen the way others are more careful around them, even if Joel looks as if he'd rather shirnk against the wall than have anyone bow to him, but Spencer has spent the last week and a half being free with his touch, open with what he's able to communicate.
Amy doesn't seem like the type who'd encourage holding that back but at the same time, she isn't at all to him what Joel is. So he simply inclines his head to the side and offers a shy, grateful smile before she turns out walks back out the door, leaving him alone with his prince once again. It's quiet for a moment, Spencer's eyes still on the intricately carved patterns of the wooden library entrance until he slowly shifts his body to lean back against the bookshelf and look up at Joel. The movement slips him free of Joel's hand, but Spencer catches it in his own, a gesture meant to show that even though their kiss had been interrupted, it doesn't mean that the evening is ruined. He'd overreacted momentarily, allowed his fears to overcome him because so many times, this has all felt too good to be true; but he knows better now.
They've done so well at communicating with just one of them able to use their words so far, and Spencer hopes that he hasn't done anything to make Joel feel any differently than he had when their lips had come so close to meeting. Even if they can't get back to that moment, that incredibly special moment when everything had fallen so perfectly into place and the rest of the world had simply seemed to fade away, they can enjoy the rest of their night. It's Joel's birthday, after all, and in the pocket of Spencer's trousers is a gift he'd wandered out to the beach earlier in the week to find. He bites down on his lip, squeezing Joel's hand before letting it go and reaching for the shell that had taken him hours to find, one that had struck him as the perfect thing to give to Joel because of its vibrants reds and oranges, reminiscent of a sunrise and the boldness the prince inspires in him.
Where he's from, an exchange of shells like this is a sign of deep love, and Spencer knows that he can't explain that to Joel but he thinks that maybe he just doesn't need to. He holds the shell out in his palm, suddenly nervous about what the prince may think, not because it isn't a lavish gift but because it truly is so meaningful from at least one side. He remembers seeing the shell his mother had given to his father, how fiercely protective of it his father still is after all these years, and he wants that for him and Joel. He wants a love that will last them a lifetime.
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And then, unsurprisingly, it's Spencer who breaks the tension of the moment for him. Right from the start it seems like it's been Spencer who's far more courageous of the two of them. It's Spencer who knows the right thing to do and perhaps it's because he can't speak in order to fill the silences, but whatever it is, it's working for the two of them. It's created this area of comfort for Joel even when he's at his most nervous.
The shell is beautiful, shimmering and vibrant, and Joel only knows what it means because of what Davin had said to him on the beach that day. The sight of it, knowing what it means, he finds his heart beating as fast as it had been going when he thought they might just be moments from kissing. His heart is thundering, he feels like he can't breathe, but Joel still manages to laugh as he digs his fingers into the pocket of his trousers. The shell he pulls out isn't nearly as bright at the one Spencer is giving him, it isn't even as sparkling as the one Davin had originally found for him because Joel had wanted to give something to Spencer that he had found, something he'd done on his own. But it is an offering, which is something Joel has been thinking about since that day, since the vision he'd seen that had spoken of a promise. He still isn't sure if it means he's to give one or if Spencer has to, but he has to wonder if this counts.
And what it might mean for the two of them if it does.
"I was told it was... that..." If he says this, then he has to admit to a whole host of things. That he knows -- or at least suspects -- what Spencer really is and where he's come from. That he's been speaking to someone else about the situation. That he has feelings for Spencer, strong ones, and while he's sure that last won't come as much of a surprise, there's still something inherently scary about actually saying the words. Or maybe not even saying the words, but finally making a gesture that will make it very clear regardless of what he actually says.
"I was told exchanging shells was a sign of affection in certain parts of the community," he says finally and he feels a little bit like he's choking on the words. Not because he doesn't want to say them, but because his throat is so dry he thinks it might be more comfortable to swallow sand. His voice even sounds rough and he pauses, clearing his throat, then reaches out and presses the small blue shell into the palm of Spencer's hand, taking the orange shell in return. They're only shells and yet Joel feels like they've done something monumental, something worth noting even if they're the only two who will ever known they've done this.
He draws in a shaking breath and then smiles crookedly at Spencer, still clearly nervous. He can't remember the last time he's felt like this, so nervous, so off balance and so happy to be feeling both these things. It's like being alive in a way he's never really known before and he hopes Spencer knows just how much he's given him simply by being here.
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That day they'd spent out on the beach together when Joel had told him the story of how he'd been found, how he'd always felt connected to the water, Spencer had suspected there'd been more to what he was saying than offering an anecdote. If he considers it again now, Spencer thinks he could take it to mean that Joel had been trying to tell him no matter who he is or who he is, whether or not he truly belongs in the ocean, it doesn't make a difference to what they've become to each other. There is no replacing this man, no hoping that if he ends back up in the sea, someone just as good or better will come along. Spencer knows this as if it's fact, as if it's possible to see the future, because thirty years have passed and not once has he ever come close to loving anyone like this.
He's seen what heartbreak can do, the everlasting effects of it; he's seen it firsthand in his father, in friends who'd been so certain that they'd found their one and only, and he's never been envious of them. Spencer has always figured that if love can hurt so much when it's lost then perhaps it's better not to have known it at all. He can see now how wrong that way of thinking has been and for some, that realization may never come. For some, being alone will always be a preference and there's nothing wrong with that; it just seems awfully lonely, especially since he can finally imagine what it would be like to live out the rest of his life with someone who makes him feel like he's seeing the world with a brand new set of eyes. The colors around him are bolder, brighter, the shadows from the candlelight now casting shadows that make the curves of Joel's cheeks and the line of his jaw even sharper, and Spencer has never seen anyone so beautiful. Tonight, in spite of its interruptions, has changed everything and nothing all at once because even though he continues to fall deeper in love with Joel with every passing moment, he can finally let himself wholly believe that Joel loves him, too.
They don't have much time left if they hope to make anything work and under different circumstances, Spencer would have been much happier to take things slow, to let things between them flourish and develop naturally without any constraints other than what it means for Joel to be a prince. The problem is, Spencer can't afford to wait much longer and soon enough, his voice will be returned to him but his legs will be gone, replaced once more with a tail, and they'll never get the chance to be together like this again. That's what has taken place in his heart as his greatest fear. No longer is he terrified that all of his will only have been one-sided, that he's been imagining everything that's been growing between them; no, now he wants nothing more than to seek April out to get her to bring Ersa to him so he can beg for more time. She can take more from him if she wants, he'd be willing to sacrifice anything of himself just so Joel won't be taken from him so soon; but he knows that would be quite impossible.
Even if he did know how to contact April, even if she was willing to seek Ersa out, Spencer is certain that the sea witch wouldn't do him any favors. That isn't her way, he's come to understand that, and even though he considers none of this a mistake, he's certainly more wary of what she might do if he does come back without his kiss or his promise. Still, there's a little under a week left before he'll truly be racing against the hours, and he's more confident than ever now that he and Joel can make this work. The shell in his hand is evidence of that, he thinks, of how much they want each other, how much it pleases them to see the other smile. Joel's smile could light this room better than the flickering flames, Spencer thinks, with its brilliance and charm, and beyond that, it is infectious. Each time the prince's face shifts with another grin, it brings one out in Spencer, like an instinctual reaction to seeing the man he loves happy, plain and simple. That's all he wants, to be able to make Joel smile like that as often as possible.
He stares down at the beautiful shell Joel has given him for a long moment before closing his fist around it and looking up at the prince with a smile that trembles. His whole body is trembling, in fact, and he realizes that it's because he's trying so hard not to react the way he wants to, which would be to throw his arms around this man and kiss him until both of them are gasping for air. It isn't exactly the appropriate thing to do, of course, especially not if they're at risk for getting caught again and if Amy had suspected that the man who cannot speak is the object of the prince's affection then it isn't unthinkable to imagine that others might believe the same. He hasn't heard much more gossip about himself other than questions of where he must come from, what must have happened to him, or why Joel is taken with him at all but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Spencer hates that Joel is obligated to worry about that sort of thing, but he understands it.
More than that, he can handle it. He'd do anything to show Joel that he doesn't intend to leave if only the prince will help him stay, absolutely anything; but for now, he swallows hard and wets his lips before mouthing a simple thank you to this man who has turned his entire world upside down.
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Joel could kiss him. If he leaned in now, he knows he wouldn't be pushed away, but that moment still feels like it's passed and so instead he just lets himself pull Spencer toward him, closing the distance between their bodies. He knows it hurts Spencer to be standing, so he does his best to support him, to take his weight and he tucks his chin against Spencer's shoulder and closes his eyes and just breathes him in. The weather outside is warm enough and the castle has taken on the heat of the day, but somehow Spencer is warmer still and Joel feels it washing over him, as comforting and familiar as anything he's ever felt. He's always run hotter than most, has always been warm even on the coldest of days, and he wants to wrap that around Spencer as much as he wants Spencer's warmth around him.
Strains of the music playing downstairs reach them in the silence of the library and Joel doesn't even realize he's swaying slightly to the music until his hip bumps lightly against the nearby table. He's not much of a dancer, despite being trained when he was very young in order to be able to participate during balls, but Joel has always done his best to avoid it. It's always made him uncomfortable and he's always felt awkward doing it, but this is different. Spencer has made everything different and there's no audience here, no one watching them, judging the movements they make or the way they look at each other.
Or the way Joel has himself tucked against Spencer's shoulder with absolutely no desire to move ever again. Dancing in such a manner at a public party would be frowned upon. There's no space left between them, no steps Joel is following, but he doesn't care. This is exactly where he wants to be and given that it's his birthday the rest of the kingdom is celebrating on floor below them, he doesn't think it's so much to ask that he be allowed to spend the evening doing what makes him happy.
It's perhaps the first time in Joel's life he's allowed himself the freedom not to be guided by all the responsibilities he has. Any other celebration and he would be downstairs doing exactly what his parents wanted and expected of him, but he isn't thinking about them. He isn't thinking about how it might look that he's not there, he isn't thinking about the gossip that might spread. He's allowing himself not to care about any of that because there's truly no other place he'd rather be.
There are times when he still feels as if his mind is whirling with how to work this out, how to make it so he can be with Spencer without having to upset his family or sacrifice the things they've given him, but for the moment none of that matter. For the moment he's letting himself just be someone who's very much in love, who's happy to be where he is, who only wants his arms to be around this man he's with. The rest can come back to him later.
"Thank you for making this such a wonderful birthday," he says and he's close enough that his lips nearly brush Spencer's throat when he speaks. "I've never had one as nice as this."
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He's never had the means to, of course, considering he's only had legs for about a week of his entire life, but he's spied people doing this on ships while watching from afar, and he remembers thinking that one day, he'd like the chance to do it, too. This isn't quite what he'd seen, the slow sway to the faint music is incomparable to the liveliness of the sailors Spencer had spotted, but he finds that this is much better. Much more enjoyable. Nobody else at this party has the prince's head on their shoulder, after all, and Spencer has never felt more cared for than he does right now, in Joel's warm embrace and behind the closed doors of the library.
The shell is still safe in his hand, and he rests his cheek against Joel's curls with his eyes fixed on his closed fist. He'll remember this for the rest of his life, he thinks, moving to music with the man he loves while clutching this relic of his own home that means more than Joel could ever hope to understand without Spencer able to explain it to him. What it must mean from Joel, though, is what makes receiving the shell in return all the more important because it isn't as if the prince had known Spencer would give him one, too. It's a symbol of acceptance, of respect for what he suspects or thinks or even knows Spencer is and where he comes from; this is love, pure and simple, and Spencer couldn't have imagined in his wildest dreams that it could be this easy.
Loving someone, giving his heart away, has always sounded like such an enormous task, like something that would be very difficult if ever he were in a position to do it. For a long time, he hadn't even thought he'd want it because with great reward often comes great consequences. Being in love with Joel means that his heart is that much more fragile, that it could be much more easily broken, but Spencer has learned something in his time here on land. He's learned that the risk for this, for love, is worth it, just like he's always thought about emerging from the water in the first place. He isn't a merman who's been known for often acting recklessly, others have just described him as a curious sort who never means anything less than well; but Joel has changed him. Joel has changed him in so many ways, bit by bit with each passing day, and now they're here in a place Spencer would never have thought he could be.
He doesn't care about the pain, just barely cares that he can't speak because it means he can't tell Joel right now just how much he loves him, no matter how desperate he is to do it. In a week's time, at the ball, that is the aim. If he can get his kiss and promise, it will mean that his voice will be returned to him and finally, finally, everything he's wished he could say to Joel will come spilling out before either of them have a chance to process that can speak again at all. He's been longing for that moment since April had helped him back to shore, not only because he wants so badly to know what it's like to feel Joel's lips against his but because he wants Joel to hear for himself from Spencer that this is real for both of them. The shells say it well enough, he supposes, but there's something different about being told.
The words Joel is saying right now, for example, send a shiver down Spencer's spine because he's been thanked twice now, once simply for being here, and it makes him settle deeper into Joel's arms. His eyes slip shut as he tightens his arms around Joel's body, itching to feel skin under his fingers but settling instead for pressing a soft kiss against the prince's neck. It's bold, and it isn't what they'd almost shared earlier, it isn't what Spencer needs to keep this life, but for now, it's enough. It's intimate, it's private, it's only for Joel, and Spencer can't see any sort of satisfactory future that doesn't include this man in it. He doesn't want a future without Joel in it, frankly, will do absolutely anything to avoid that, and he hesitates before tilting his head back just slightly to place another kiss against Joel's jaw.
They may not make it past this point tonight, and Spencer has come to terms with that. He thinks that will be alright because now, at least, they understand each other better. They've been able to communicate considerably well without words all this time but there's no mistaking each other's intentions after exchanging their shells, and that lets Spencer rest easier. It makes him more patient, more willing to keep letting things progress to where they need to be between them at a more natural pace. They're in love, of that he's sure, and he thinks it's the perfect evening for such a revelation. There's moonlight streaming through the window, adding an ethereal glow to what the candles already offer, and his chest swells with a fresh wave of affection.
He lets out a small sigh, one that speaks only of contentment and happiness as he traces small shapes through the back of Joel's shirt. This evening can last forever, as far as he's concerned, never mind the impossibility of it. Eventually, they're going to have to part because at some point, Joel's absence at his own party will become difficult to wave away. There's no way they can get their moment back, not when they could get caught again and by someone far less understanding than Amy, and even this is a compromising position on its own; but for as long as he can have it, Spencer will cherish this as he has every other moment with Joel. He'll cherish every second as if its his last.