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[just_another]

There's half a bottle of whiskey sitting on the counter in Crossroads and Joel is sitting just behind it, staring at it thoughtfully, wondering if he'll ever be able to drink it again or even just the smell of whiskey will remind him of Spencer for the rest of his life. He doesn't need to drink it, there had been enough beer in his fridge to get him sufficiently drunk, especially when combined with the painkillers the doctor had given him for his wrist, but he wants to drink it.

He wants to share it with Spencer. That was the plan. He likes whiskey, but he'd only bought it because Spencer likes it, too, and while they'd had some of it together already, the plan was to finish it with him. Because Joel had plans. He'd been stupid enough to make plans all the while knowing it could never last because he's done bad things and he's hurt people and there are reasons he's tried so hard to keep his distance. Good reasons. But he'd been stupid and he'd listened to the part of him that thought it was okay to move on. The part of him that felt weightless every time Spencer smiled in his direction. The part that thought asking him out on a date was going to end well.

And it hadn't. It hadn't ended well at all. Joel isn't prone to exaggeration, but he thinks calling last night a complete disaster isn't far off. Mark had come and he'd taken Spencer and he'd hurt him. Joel knows it could have been worse; he knows they both could have died in that lighthouse, but that doesn't make the things that had been done to Spencer any easier to stomach. Especially not when he knows it's his fault. If they hadn't gotten close, if he hadn't let himself get so... so carried away, then Spencer never would have become a target.

Now he doesn't even think it matters. He can't imagine that Spencer will want anything to do with him anymore and that's why he's sitting in his closed, dark store instead of somewhere with Spencer. He should have stayed at the hospital, he shouldn't have been such a coward, but he doesn't think he can face hearing Spencer tell him he doesn't want him around anymore. So he's here. And he's drunk. And he's swaying back and forth on his stool behind the counter, wondering if there's enough whiskey left in the bottle to get him so drunk that he blacks out for a week or two.

He doesn't want to be here. He wants to go back and erase Friday night and do it all over again. He wants to be wherever Spencer is. That's the only thing he wants and he wants it so badly that his chest aches with it, but he can't have it.

"Fuck it," he mutters, his words already slurred, then uncaps the bottle of whiskey and takes a long swallow. Black out drunk sounds better than any of his other options right about now.

[Timed to Saturday late afternoon/evening. While the store is technically closed, he'll open the door for anyone who knocks or rings the bell. Given the violence of the attack on Spencer, the news has probably gotten around, so feel free to come bang on his door and assume your pup has heard. Joel himself has a black eye, a bruised jaw and a sprained wrist.]

Comments

[asharpertongue]

Lara sat next to him and couldn't resist letting her siren side reassure itself that he was okay, running a hand over his hair, hoping he'd read it as intended comfort.

"Normally I'd agree with Le-... Detective Astor, but in this case, I'm glad you didn't." She smiled at him. "And now he's safe." She ducked into his line of sight. "He's safe, Joel."

[just_another]

Joel closes his eyes at the feel of her hand against his hair and it's surprising, but he feels a little better. He's never been good at taking comfort from others, but right now he needs it so desperately and he's so tired of fighting the person he's been trying to be for so long than he just gives in to it.

"He's safe," he echoes, opening his eyes and meeting Lara's gaze. He nods, knowing it's true, but safe and okay are very different things. And Joel just wants Spencer to be okay. "And I'm drinking like an idiot alone in my store until I drunkenly text the people I've been a jerk to over the past week. I should be with him. What's wrong with me?"

[asharpertongue]

She pushes the hair off his face and looks at him seriously. "You're allowed to react to this, Joel. You're allowed a night to try and work this all through." She smiled a little. "Tomorrow you can take your hangover and go see him again."

[just_another]

He still thinks he should be with Spencer instead of sitting here and feeling sorry for himself, but he knows Lara is right, too. It feels selfish. It feels like something he shouldn't be allowed to have because it's his fault this has happened in the first place. "Thanks for coming," he says again, forcing a faint smile. "I needed to talk to someone." And there aren't very many people he really trusts.

[asharpertongue]

"Any time." She smiled. "I mean that. You just call and I'll come." She gets up and pours some coffee for them both. "And at least this puts ghosts to rest. You've been waiting for this shoe to drop for years. It's done now." She says, returning to sit next to him, handing him his coffee.

[just_another]

Joel nods, because it's just one more thing Lara is right about. Sometimes it feels like his whole life has been building to this moment, like he's been waiting for it and he knows he's been avoiding getting close to people as a result of it. But now it's done. Mark is in custody and he's really done all he can.

"Somehow it feels like it's just the beginning," he admits. "I have to tell Spencer everything." He looks over at her with a faint smile. "I should tell you everything."

[asharpertongue]

"Only if you want to." She's never pressed for details and he'd never really offered any. Hinted at things here and there but never specific. If he wanted to talk - she wasn't going to stop him.

[just_another]

The secret of what happened doesn't feel so huge anymore for some reason and his shoulders rise and fall as he wraps his hands around the mug of coffee. "There's a reason I stick primarily with healing and protection," he says. "Mark's sister was my first... my only girlfriend and I would have done anything for her. When she found out I was a witch..." He trails off and shrugs again.

"She was a daredevil, she liked doing things that got her into trouble," he explains. "I started calling on darker and darker things for her to see and it was so easy for me to access. Like I was meant to."

[asharpertongue]

Lara listens and sympathises. Everyone has done foolish things for love. When you're in charge of magic and it's easy the temptation to use it must be nearly impossible to resist.

"Obviously that didn't end well." She said softly.

[just_another]

"No," he says, pausing to take a sip of his coffee. "She found a book somewhere, something I'd never seen before, something I've never seen since." But he also hasn't gone out of his way to look for it, he's made sure to keep himself far away from anything that might be considered dark until the night before.

"She didn't just drown like I told the police," he says. "We summoned something and... I didn't even really see it. Whatever it was dragged her into the ocean."

[asharpertongue]

Lara sighed and nodded. "I'm sorry that happened to both of you. It's a steep price to pay for thrillseeking." She looked at him kindly. "But if it hadn't been you and magic, it would have been someone else with fast cars or guns. I know it doesn't help, but some people are just wired that way."

[just_another]

He knows she's right and maybe the idea that Amy might have died anyway shouldn't make him feel better, maybe that makes him an even worse person than he already believes he is, but he can't deny that it lightens the burden on his heart just a little. "It's why I... why I haven't dated anyone since her. When I get that wrapped up, I'll do anything to make someone happy or... in Spencer's case, to keep them safe. I went right back there as soon as I knew he was in danger. Without a second of thought."

[asharpertongue]

She nodded. She'd been to that place before. Many times.

"we don't talk about what we are with eachother but I'm going to trust you like you've trusted me." She said seriously. "I've done a lot of things to protect my sirens. Very few people know what those things are. Most of the time I can use words or influence, even money or sex, to get what I want."

Watching him, she held a hand out in front of her between them. Slowly, she let her skin change and scale over, her nails thickening and sharpening into talons. "These are the easiest for me. It's natural for me to fall back on these to solve my problem. I don't even need to try to call them up."

She turned her hand over to show him the back and let her scales harden and become rigid, edges sharpening into vicious blades. "I've used them before and I'll use them again, I'm sure. And it'll cost me a little piece of myself every time. I'm okay with that because it keeps others safe. The same applies to you. Every time you use the darker side of your magic, you know what it costs and you don't do it lightly. You do what you have to for the people you love and no one, no one, has the right to judge you for that."

[just_another]

It's not that he doesn't expect anyone to understand, but that Lara does and understands so completely, is something of a relief and the tension in his shoulders relaxes a little, his chest releases and he finds he can breathe a little easier. His gaze roams over the scales, the talons, the way her skin changes and then he looks over her and nods his understanding. He still feels a little drunk, but his head is clear enough for him to understand that he's lucky to know her, lucky to count her as a friend and that he's been right all along in trusting her.

"People who do judge... they just don't know yet," he says. "What they're capable of in such a situation. They get to go through life without having to worry about protecting someone or keeping them safe and they just... they don't know." He thinks everyone is capable of something dark when pushed.

[asharpertongue]

He looked a little lighter and she knows she's done the right thing by showing him the figurative blood on her hands.

"And hopefully they'll never find out. That's what we're for." She says quietly. "When it's necessary." She smiled. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you and Spencer found eachother and that he had you when he really needed it. I know it cost you, but i'm not sorry you did it."

[just_another]

Joel thinks he should be there for Spencer now, that the aftermath is just as important as being there in the moment, but he knows what Lara is saying. And he'll take tonight, just tonight, and when he's sober tomorrow, he'll go find Spencer. Maybe he'll be turned away, maybe Spencer won't want to see him, but he has to take that chance.

"No, neither am I," he says, because he knows he'd do it again. He knows he would have done worse if Spencer hadn't asked him to stop and maybe that's enough. Maybe knowing where he's able to go, but also having Spencer there to pull him back is what will keep him safe. "I never expected it. Him. I never expected... anyone."

[asharpertongue]

She smiled at that. "But now you have him." She looked at him encouragingly. "You do have him, Joel. He's more than a little bit crazy about you."

[just_another]

The worst part is that he knows it. When he had asked Spencer to go on a date with him, he'd seen his own happiness and excitement reflected in Spencer's eyes and he wants more than anything to not have ruined that. "Hopefully he still is," he says with a soft huff of laughter.

[asharpertongue]

She smiles and rubs his back. "You're going to be fine. Tomorrow you'll go see him and spend some time and reassure the both of you."

[just_another]

It sounds so simple and so daunting at the same time, but he nods all the same, looking over at Lara and offering her a faint smile. He can do that, he can get sober and clean himself up and go see Spencer. He'll take whatever reaction Spencer has for him, but the only thing he can do is be honest. "Tomorrow, yeah," he says. "You know we've tried three times now. He came over one night and it was going so well and then I got the first letter. Then the night of the ball we left together and I had a premonition." And then they'd made real plans only to have them completely derailed. He doesn't believe in signs, but he can see how someone might look at their attempts and think they're doomed.

[asharpertongue]

She waved a hand. "Tomorrow will be different. I've told everyone and everything to take the day off." She winked at him.

[just_another]

"The whole town?" he asks, giving her a faint smile. There were few people who could manage to make him smile when he felt like this, but Lara was certainly one of them. "I didn't realize your reach went so far." But if anyone is capable of shutting the town down for a day, he thinks it's likely her.

[asharpertongue]

"I do sometimes use my powers for good, Joel." She teased.

She patted his hand and looked at his empty mug. "You want more coffee?"

[just_another]

He glances down at the mug, then back up at Lara again and shakes his head. "If I drink anymore coffee I'll be up all night," he says. Which defeats the purpose of all the alcohol he'd poured down his throat earlier. "Then again, that might not be such a bad thing."

Every single time he closes his eyes he sees Mark again, straddling Spencer, his hands around his throat.

[asharpertongue]

Lara shakes her head and takes the mug. "If you're arguing for caffeine you're avoiding sleep. You're going to have to sleep at some point. You need it."