[closed - Spencer - March 9]

[just_another]

Joel knows this isn't a good day for Spencer. He knows it's not just his husband's birthday, he knows the other, much darker memories this day holds for Spencer and he's spent the better part of a month trying to figure out a way to both give his husband a special day and not disrespect the memory of what has happened to him.

He truly has no idea if he's done a good job or if he's really just made a mess of things.

But Spencer had told him that if he decided he didn't want anything, he would say something. If he decided it was too much for him in any way, he would only have to tell Joel and everything would be returned to exactly how it has been before. Any plans Joel made could be cancelled and he would never want to do anything that would make Spencer even a little bit uncomfortable or unhappy.

But Spencer hasn't said anything. And so Joel not only has gifts, he has a cake he baked waiting -- complete with little books drawn in icing, the other edges of the cake a delicate red that makes him think of the red thread -- and a bouncy castle.

The latter had been difficult to get into the yard without Spencer noticing, but Joel knows he hadn't slept well the night before, so ten minutes before the delivery men were set to arrive, he put Spencer to bed, insisting he close his eyes and rest for just a few minutes.

That has been half an hour ago and now there is a fully inflated bouncy castle -- designed for adults to bounce in -- set up in the back yard.

Joel is standing several feet from it, staring at it with a bemused expression. He can't remember the context in which this has come up, although he's sure Spencer does, and it looks funny and a little out of place in their yard.

But he's glad he's done it all the same. Spencer deserves something good for his birthday. He deserves to make new, happy memories.

Comments

[just_another]

Watching Spencer come is, without a doubt, the most incredible thing Joel has ever seen. The way the muscles in his body tighten, the expressions that chase across his features, how incredibly happy and pleased and beautiful he looks, it's all more than Joel would have thought he'd be capable of handling, but he can never look away. It's the sort of thing he never wants to miss, he always wants to be able to see the way Spencer's face looks and Joel doesn't think he's exceptionally talented, it isn't like he's had a lot of experience to go on, but when he's with Spencer everything just seems to fall into place. He never has to worry about experience or whether he's doing things properly because the way Spencer looks at him is always more than enough to reassure him. They're both so expressive with each other and he knows he's lucky to have found something like this, he knows people wait lifetimes for a connection this strong and Joel hadn't even been looking. At the time he hadn't even cared. Finding someone to love and spend his life with had been the last thing he'd ever given much thought to and somehow without even trying, without giving it any consideration, without ever thinking it could be for him, he'd still been lucky enough that it found him.

Because Spencer did find him. He saw him that day with the Hydra, then he invited him into his home when there was no reason for him to bother. Joel had been skulking outside, being incredibly creepy, and Spencer had seen him and had not only invited him in, but shared a bottle of whiskey with him. Shared memories. Shared his aura. No one has ever done anything like that for Joel before and the more he's thought about it over the past ten months, the more he's realized that Spencer really did discover him. He reached out and offered a hand and he had done it in a way that Joel hadn't been afraid of. The only thing he could possibly do in was reach out in return and take it.

Through all the fear and the nerves and the uncertainty, he hasn't regretted that. Not for one single moment. This is where he's supposed to be. All the decisions they've made together have been the right ones.

He groans as he shifts to the side, pulling out of Spencer, and as always he hates that feeling in the moment after. He misses being inside Spencer like that even though he knows it isn't possible for them to just exist in such a state. But he's never felt most at home as he does when he and Spencer are together in such a way and he misses it when it's suddenly gone. This is nice, too, and he pulls Spencer closer, heedless of the sweat drying on their skin, the semen he can feel sliding off Spencer and onto the floor of the bouncy castle, because none of that matters. Being close to Spencer is the only thing he ever wants and it doesn't change now that their skin is sticky and damp. It will never change. This is where he belongs.

When Spencer speaks, Joel tilts his head down just slightly so he can see him, and he smiles, bright and unguarded. He really doesn't feel like he does anything out of the ordinary, because he only ever wants Spencer to feel loved and happy, and that seems to be easy enough when he is so completely loved. The things Joel does for him over the course of any given day are things he wants to do. Not because he expects praise or anything in return, but because seeing Spencer smile is honestly the most wonderful things he's ever been gifted with. When Spencer looks at him and looks happy because of something he's done, Joel feels more pleased and accomplished than he ever has at any other point in his life. That smile is really the only thing he could ever need in return and he doesn't even know how to say that, so he just shrugs helplessly, still grinning down at Spencer.

"I just want you to be happy," he says finally and he's not quite squirming because he isn't embarrassed, but he does feel sort of pleased with himself. With the both of them and their life. There's nothing at all wrong with this and if Spencer is happy, then he's happy. There's really no question. Joel is easy to please, for a long time he had thought that he wouldn't need much more than a collection of books to keep him happy for the rest of his life, but having Spencer around, having him there with him even if it's just sitting side by side without speaking, it makes everything better. Every last moment of his life is improved by having Spencer there with him and if Joel can just make him happy in return, then he'll consider himself a success.

[doublethepain]

The moments after he comes are always some of the most blissful because when the environment allows for it, they're often able to simply lie together in a hot, heavy silence with Joel still inside him as they smile lovingly at each other, both trying to catch their breaths. It's a bit more difficult to stay that way here, on the unsteady floor of a bouncy castle, but even when Joel slips out of him--an action that is followed accordingly by distressed moans sounding from deep within both their throats--Spencer can't imagine that they could have spent this day any better.

All he could have asked for is already right beside him. Joel could have done absolutely nothing today, and Spencer still would have been happy to know that at least his birthday would be spent with someone he loves so wholly; but his husband has always gone above and beyond for him, and Spencer knows he always will. It's a strange thing, to know that he is someone's priority, a first choice, because he's certainly never been that for anybody outside of his family before. He lets that just sink in for a bit, the knowledge that there is one person in this world who would do absolutely anything for him, and he has to swallow hard to hold back the choked sob that threatens to burst from his throat because there's no better feeling that he's found yet.

He is loved, and he knows it. No games, no guessing, Spencer is loved and never could there be a doubt.

"I've been happy for two hundred and ninety-seven days," he answers, pressing a kiss to Joel's shoulder as he rests a hand on his chest, fingers brushing gently through the hair beneath them, and lets out a content sigh. There'd admittedly been some bumps on the road to that happiness, but Spencer's life had changed for the better the day he'd met Joel. They remind each other of that often, how different they are because of each other without either of them asking for change, but it's something worth remembering regularly. It's something worth saying out loud when they can because acknowledging that only reinforces how right they are for each other. Not a moment goes by that Spencer doesn't understand how lucky he is to have this man in his life, someone who wants him beyond the physicality of their relationship.

Joel doesn't just go through the motions when they're together, he doesn't smile and nod for the sake of smiling and nodding when Spencer speaks. He's a good man to all who deserve it but where some might find Spencer too stand-offish or too quiet or too awkward, Joel has always known exactly how to treat him--like someone worthy of his time and effort. That had made all the difference, realizing that Joel's interest in him hadn't been fleeting, and Spencer hadn't had any experience with relationships before but perhaps that had made it that much easier to figure out that this would always be the real thing. Spencer isn't the type to fall easily in love, or even fall in love at all, but it had happened with Joel and for good reason. They're perfect for each other, made for each other, as silly of a romantic notion as that may be. At this point, Spencer can really just accept it as truth.

He's still a bit breathless as he nudges his nose against Joel's neck with a grin. "Are you going to sing me happy birthday?" he asks, huffing a short, amused laugh at the thought of his husband doing just that with just the two of them here, panting and still recovering from their orgasms in the heat of the castle. "Or do I have to wait until cake time? Because so help me god, I'm getting my song either way."

[just_another]

Joel huffs out a soft laugh at that and while there is cake waiting for them inside, a fluffy angel food cake ready to be layered with whipped cream Joel has made from scratch and fresh fruit he'd picked up that very moment, there's something about the way Spencer asks for a song that he can't really deny. And while he loves music as much as he loves books, Joel has never been much of a singer, but he doesn't care. The only person in the world who isn't going to tease him because his voice is rough or uneven is the one lying beside him. The only person in the world he's ever been this comfortable this, this complete is the one he's married and there's nothing Spencer could ask of him that would truly embarrass him enough to not go through with. He thinks he'd more than proven that point when he'd worn the absurd Halloween costume Spencer had brought home for him.

But he clears his throat and tilts his head so he's resting his cheek against Spencer's hair and starts to sing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you." And as he's singing he realizes he can't remember the last time he's done this. It had likely been for Charlotte, he thinks, at one of her parties they'd had years ago. While he's called or e-mailed his sister every year they've lived apart, the last time he had been at one of her birthdays had been her tenth and if he thinks back, that's probably the last time he's sung to anyone. It doesn't surprise him that Spencer is the one who's changing everything. He's actually changed every last part of Joel's life and this is just one more example of how his presence here has given Joel a chance to do things again. It's such a small thing, but it's meaningful at the same time.

When he finishes singing, he laughs again, still resting his cheek against the top of Spencer's head. "There is cake inside. Dinner and gifts, too." But he doesn't want to move. The sun has begun to set, dropping behind the house and the light is changing inside the castle, thrown into deeper reds and oranges, shadows stretching across the material. They have a few hours yet before full dark, but he finds himself wondering what it might be like out here once the sun has gone down completely. How quiet and peaceful and secluded it might be. Maybe he can call and have the company come back for it tomorrow. Maybe they can keep it for just a little while longer.

They're going to have to make a run for it at some point, though. He's far too sticky to put his clothes back on and he thinks about the two of them bolting naked across the yard and finds himself laughing harder still. Living alone with Spencer has proven to be as incredible as he'd hoped it would and he does miss Raleigh now and then, but he thinks it's better for all of them this way. She has her own space, privacy for herself, and they have the same. Running naked across the yard isn't the end of the world, but he knows it would be next to impossible with Raleigh still living with them.

"We're going to have to get back to the house, you know," he says to explain why he's laughing. "And I don't think I'm going to want to put my jeans back on like this. I desperately need a shower before I get dressed again."

[doublethepain]

Having let his eyes slip shut with a soft, dreamy smile on his face as Joel sings him his birthday, it takes Spencer a moment to catch up to the fact that his husband can't seem to stop laughing. A chuckle bubbles in his throat as he blinks an eye open, smile growing wider at the image his mind conjures of the two of them running with their damp clothes under one arm and their other hands clasped together as they disappear back into the house. The neighbors could be out right now, and they aren't necessarily nosy--the one perk of having once been accused of murder, apparently, is warding off unwelcome visitors--that doesn't mean that they might not be out in their yards to enjoy the sunset.

"Well, I have quite a few hours before my day ends," Spencer answers, "maybe walking around naked with you is something I want." It isn't, at least not where others can see them because while he very thoroughly enjoys getting to see his husband without his clothes on regularly, it makes Spencer's stomach turn a bit to think of anyone else sharing the view. His own body, bared like this, is for Joel's eyes only and that's never going to change. He knows the same is true of his husband, and he lets his hand slide slowly down from Joel's chest, fingertips just barely brushing over skin until they circle around his navel and over his hipbones.

"Strike that, I think staying here really is the better idea. Maybe we should forego the shower altogether and sleep in here instead. And by sleep, I mean you can make love to me for the rest of the night with a few naps in between to recharge, doesn't that sound nice?"

He's being facetious, of course, though if Joel were to decide he wanted to agree to such a plan, Spencer certainly wouldn't try to back out of it. There are few pleasures he loves more in this world than the feeling of having Joel inside of him, filling him so perfectly and completely, and his body is exhausted from his climax but even so, he can feel his cock twitch at the mere thought of having his husband deliver even more birthday orgasms to him tonight.

Spencer pauses then, lifting his chin up just slightly as if he can see the house through the castle, and sighs. "I do want my cake, though. You've left me with the burden of making quite a few difficult choices." He lets out a grunt as he hoists himself upward with his palm, nearly falling back over on the unsteady floor but managing to catch himself so that he can swing one leg over Joel's hip until he's straddling his husband with a mischievous grin. There's no way they'll be able to have sex again so soon but that's not his aim right now, despite the fact that the way Joel's cock is brushing against his sends a tingle straight down his spine.

For a moment, they just remain this way in silence, their eyes trailing over each other's bodies in admiration and affection, and Spencer leans down to leave a trail of kisses along Joel's collarbone. "I am so in love with you," he murmurs, and it isn't new information by any means, but he likes saying it as much as he likes hearing it, so he hopes that Joel feels the same way. He stretches out over Joel, moaning contently as he presses his ear against his husband's chest to hear that steady heartbeat beneath him. "I wouldn't have been to get through this day without you. The past couple years were-- Well, they were more difficult than anything I've ever experienced but then there's you, and it's suddenly like this day doesn't suffocate me anymore."

It still hurts, of course it does, Spencer doesn't think that will every truly go away; but at least now, he can say he has someone he loves to makes the hard times a little easier, a little happier. "Besides," he adds, pushing himself back up with a wider smile. "You're the first person since my family died to make me a birthday cake, so I can't very well let that go ignored, can I?"

[just_another]

When Spencer leans down, his head against his chest, Joel buries his fingers in his hair, not holding him down, but holding onto him. Just enjoying the moment, the silence settling over them and the yard. The crickets and the frogs are going to start up soon, but for now it's just the two of them lying together, Spencer's warm body stretched out on top of his and he can feel that he might not be all that far off from growing aroused again, not if Spencer keeps this up. He doesn't even have to do anything out of the ordinary, he can just be close enough to Joel or look at him in the right way, and he can feel little tingles of pleasure spiking inside him. The trail of fingers against his skin, even just a smile, it's been a bit of a surprise for Joel to discover just how simple it is for Spencer to turn him on. He's never been this way with anyone else, he's never had such a deep, easy connection, something that just happens to him in a way he'll never be able to explain. It isn't just physiology, there's so much more to it than wanting to have sex, and he doesn't care if there are people out there who would roll their eyes. He doesn't care that some might think it's stupid just how desperately Joel has needed a serious emotional connection, too. He doesn't care about any of that, because the only thing that matters is that he found that connection with the man currently straddling his hips.

And there's nowhere else Joel would rather be. Today or any of the other days stretching out in front of them, their future limitless and full of possibility. The only person he wants to be with on any one of those days is Spencer. There's no one else in the world who'll be able to do these things to him, and Joel finds himself smiling softly, his fingers still combing through Spencer's hair before his husband sits up. It shouldn't shock him anymore, how much he loves this man, how incredible he finds him to look at, but Spencer sits up and he's smiling and the things he's said have sunk into Joel, warming him all the way through, making him feel good and wanted. Making him feel things he's really only ever felt with Spencer and he smiles back, sliding his hands up from Spencer's knees, over his thighs to finally grip his hips gently. He wants to say he'll do this every year, he'll find some way to make his birthday better and brighter, while never forgetting his family either. He wants to promise that he'll acknowledge how hard it is without denying Spencer to right to be happy, but he doesn't know if he can speak so he only shakes his head. They can't forget the cake, but they can take their time.

He sits up then as well, sliding his arms around Spencer, his hands resting against the small of his back as he leans forward and presses his forehead against the curve of Spencer's throat. He smells like sweat and sex and still a scent that's so distinct to him that Joel knows he'll never be able to mistake it for anything else. The idea of being able to identify someone by the way they smell would have once seemed so strange to him and it isn't something he notices until moments like these, when he's pressed as close to Spencer as he possibly can be, when there's nothing between them, when they've been intimate in ways he'll never be with anyone else ever again.

"I'll always be here," he promises, his voice soft. "Not just on your birthday, but every day." They both still have other responsibilities, but it's been so easy for Joel to just let this part of his life happen. It's opened him up to so much more and he knows he and Spencer spend more time around each other than they do anyone else, he knows they work together and go home together, sleep together at night and wake up together in the morning. He knows for a lot of people that would be too much, but it works for them. Not only does it work, but it's opened Joel up to other people in a way he never has been before. Being with Spencer, being this close to Spencer, having that support, it's given him the courage to let others in, and so while they still spend most of their time together, it's made Joel a much more open and social person than he's ever been before.

He pulls back after a moment, still smiling, and lifts one hand to brush some of Spencer's hair back. "It is really good cake, though, if I do say so myself." He hasn't often had the chance to do much baking within the last year, having Raleigh around to take care of it for them, but he likes doing it and he's glad he's been able to at least do this for Spencer's birthday. He isn't in any rush to start feeding his friends, but this is special and it's important. Of course, he'll always go out of his way for Spencer. They don't need a birthday or a holiday for that. Joel will go out of his way for Spencer simply because it's Wednesday, and he knows that will never stop either. He wants to be the sort of husband who never lets Spencer forget that he's loved. He wants him to feel that every single day.