just_another | [closed - Spencer

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spencer

[closed - Spencer - March 9]

Joel knows this isn't a good day for Spencer. He knows it's not just his husband's birthday, he knows the other, much darker memories this day holds for Spencer and he's spent the better part of a month trying to figure out a way to both give his husband a special day and not disrespect the memory of what has happened to him.

He truly has no idea if he's done a good job or if he's really just made a mess of things.

But Spencer had told him that if he decided he didn't want anything, he would say something. If he decided it was too much for him in any way, he would only have to tell Joel and everything would be returned to exactly how it has been before. Any plans Joel made could be cancelled and he would never want to do anything that would make Spencer even a little bit uncomfortable or unhappy.

But Spencer hasn't said anything. And so Joel not only has gifts, he has a cake he baked waiting -- complete with little books drawn in icing, the other edges of the cake a delicate red that makes him think of the red thread -- and a bouncy castle.

The latter had been difficult to get into the yard without Spencer noticing, but Joel knows he hadn't slept well the night before, so ten minutes before the delivery men were set to arrive, he put Spencer to bed, insisting he close his eyes and rest for just a few minutes.

That has been half an hour ago and now there is a fully inflated bouncy castle -- designed for adults to bounce in -- set up in the back yard.

Joel is standing several feet from it, staring at it with a bemused expression. He can't remember the context in which this has come up, although he's sure Spencer does, and it looks funny and a little out of place in their yard.

But he's glad he's done it all the same. Spencer deserves something good for his birthday. He deserves to make new, happy memories.

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Spencer had been skeptical when Joel had insisted he go back to bed, having spent the majority of the night wide awake with his arm draped protectively over his husband's waist just to make sure that Joel would still be there in the morning. The past two years, he's woken up with a mild sense of disappointment that he'd opened his eyes at all, though he would never say he's wished himself dead since what had happened to his family. He'd have given his life for his brother or mother in an instant, that much is true, but things are different now. He has the sort of life he never could have even imagined for himself, he has a ring on his finger that represents a promise he would never have made to anyone but the man who's made every single day better, and he has a heart that seems to be ever growing with each passing moment as their baby's due date draws nearer and nearer.

It's because of all this that he's able to drift into a deeper sleep after being satisfied enough that Joel would be okay. There's a small voice in the back of his mind that chastises him for letting his husband out of his sight on this day for even a second but ultimately, Spencer believes it only speaks to how much Joel has helped him come to terms with the parts of his life that have only ever made him miserable. He'll cry later, he's sure of it, because the swell of emotion always manages to sneak up on him even though he tries to contain it but the thought of it doesn't make him want to spend the entirety of the afternoon buried under his sheets like it had the last couple years. This day is always going to mean something else to him, it's never just going to be his birthday ever again, but the difference is that on this third anniversary of his family's death, he's no longer alone.

It's the sound of an engine starting just outside the window that jolts him awake from a surprisingly pleasant dream, one that's already getting fuzzy but Spencer remembers that it'd had to do with watching Joel dip his toes into the ocean with their baby in his arms, and it spreads a warmth through Spencer's chest that overrides the panic of waking up alone as he sits up in bed to rub the sleep from his eyes. It barely takes him fifteen minutes to wash up and get dressed before wandering downstairs, his hair still damp from his shower, and he calls out Joel's name as he reaches the foot of the steps. The lack of an answer makes his chest tighten for just a second, and he forces himself to relax as he takes a breath and heads out toward the backyard. He's fairly certain that Joel wouldn't have actually left the house without telling him and even if that had been the case, Spencer's even more certain that it hadn't been his husband's car starting earlier.

When he finally reaches the yard, he's so caught up in thought that it doesn't even register that he's staring at an enormous bouncy castle with his husband grinning broadly over his shoulder at him. Spencer blinks, brow knitting as his mind tries desperately to catch up with what he's seeing, and it takes another few seconds for him to realize that he's smiling so widely that his cheeks already hurt. "You did it," he says with a short, huffed laugh as he takes another step toward Joel, hands held out in front of him as if he hasn't the slightest idea what to do with them or what to make of any of this, which is reasonably true. "God, you actually did it, this is... so odd but also so incredible." He reaches for his husband and pulls him in for a kiss, a long kiss that's passionate and tender and desperate all at once, then pulls just slightly away. "Thank you. We haven't even gone in yet but... just thank you."

It isn't that he thought Spencer was going to tell him to take it down, though if he had, Joel would have in a second. The chance had been there, the possibility that Spencer just wasn't ready to try and make this day something other than the awful anniversary it is and Joel would have respected that, but for some reason he had still been certain that Spencer would enjoy this for what it is. For the attempt at making the day something more, for the attempt at giving him a little something else, the chance to be happy on a day that will probably always bring him terrible memories. He knows better than to think he'll be able to entirely erase the negative emotions that Spencer is sure to experience on this day, he knows there's no chance of wiping that out entirely and he doesn't think he would want to. Spencer's family deserves to be remembered, they deserve to have someone -- and now two someones -- be very aware of what this day is because someone did something terrible to them, took them out of this world, and Joel doesn't think that's the sort of thing that should be forgotten.

But he wants this day to be more than that. He doesn't want it to just be the day Spencer lost his family. He deserves to have some fun on his birthday again. He deserves gifts and affection and he deserves not to worry about losing the people he loves. There's nothing Joel can do to bring his family back, but he can try and make the day about something more.

"I know it's a little silly," he says when they part, "But I wanted to. I thought... I thought it might be fun." And it's very silly, it's more than just a little silly. They're two grown men who are married and expecting their first child and today they're going to climb into an adult-sized bouncy castle, but that's what he wants to give Spencer. Hopefully it will be a fun memory, something else he can associate with this day instead of just the hard memories he's had for the past several years. "I know we talked about it and I thought you might think I was joking, but I really wanted to do it anyway."

And when he had arranged for it, they had informed him that the castle could fit up to six people at one time and Joel had smiled and nodded, but he hadn't made mention of the fact that it would only be the two of them. No one else was going to be joining them today. There is no party, no guest list, there won't be any line to use the castle, it's all for them, and that's exactly how he thinks Spencer wants it. It's how he wants it. When the day is hard enough to begin with, he doubts bringing more people into the celebration would improve it in any way and would, likely, just stress Spencer out even more. So it's just the two of them, the castle, the presents, dinner and a cake.

"It's perfect," he answers sincerely, eyes shifting back to the castle as he gives a slight, amused shake of his head. It is perfect in a strange way, this silly thing in their backyard where something so horrific had happened just three years ago today; there's nothing about this that makes Spencer feel like they'll be disrespecting the memory of his mother or brother and on the contrary, he's certain that both of them would have encouraged this, if only to see Spencer smile. Joel has only ever had his best interests at heart, has only ever tried to protect him and keep him safe, even from the very first day they'd met, and that's why this works. In anyone else's hands, this could have gone horribly wrong but Joel knows him. Joel, better than anyone in this world, knows how far is too far when it comes to Spencer's limits.

That his husband has obviously been working to keep the typical deluge of hate mail out of Spencer's sight has helped in making all of this easier to accept. Spencer had found one piece of mail, his name alone in script gracing the front of an envelope without a return address, that he'd managed to get to first on a day he'd come home earlier from Crossroads than usual, but he'd torn it in half and tossed it in the trash without further thought. The first year after his family's deaths, he'd read every single message that had appeared in his mailbox; the next, he'd tried not to but hadn't been able to resist here and there; but this year, he'd made a promise to himself not to read a single one. Of course, Joel seems to have intercepted most of what's made itself to their home, unless the people in this town who have been so dedicated to making Spencer's life hell this time each year have suddenly all become repentant of their past deeds--which he highly doubts.

"Let's go in. Right now, I want to go in with you." He's already tugging at Joel's hand as he says it, letting a rush of childlike joy flow through him in a way that only his husband could possibly inspire. This isn't about forgetting what had happened, not in the slightest, it's about making new memories in the way they had in the library. It's about being able to look out into the backyard and be able to associate it with love and happiness and excitement rather than just the pain of loss, and he has to admit that he's beyond grateful that their home is their home now. It'd been a bit odd at first, not having Raleigh around, but there's a freedom in it that's different from the kind he'd had when he'd been living alone. They can stay out here as long as they want without having to worry about when anyone else will be home or anything of the sort, and Spencer likes it that way. He likes that they don't have to think about anything today but themselves, which is perhaps a bit selfish but in all honesty, he's never been more selfish when it comes to his husband.

"You'll have to teach me the proper way to bounce," Spencer says, keeping his expression neutral, though it's more than clear that he's trying to fight a burst of laughter. "You know I've never done this before so you're not allowed to laugh. It's my birthday, after all, I'm a thirty-year-old about to climb into a bouncy castle with my husband. No laughter allowed whatsoever."

"You have to take off your shoes," Joel instructs as he lets Spencer tug him over toward the castle. There's a little plastic mat by the entrance for them to leave their shoes on, all supplied by the company that had brought over the castle and inflated it, and Joel is amused to realize they're far from the first adults to have rented something like this. They might be the first adults to rent it without any intention of having an actual party, but that's not something the company needed to know. The castle is easily visible from the road and he wonders if they're going to get any visitors over the course of the day who are wondering what's going on, but he sort of hopes everyone lets them have this day to themselves.

There has been phone calls and some cards, general well wishes from Spencer's friends, but Joel has been very careful with the mail, picking through everything to make sure nothing awful actually reaches Spencer. He remembers the stories his husband told him about the terrible things people sent to him on the anniversary of his mother and brother's deaths, and Joel is doing everything he can to keep that from happening again. The fact that anyone would do something like that makes him furious and he's had to work to keep his temper in check more than a few times over the past two or three days.

But this is for Spencer. This is entirely for Spencer. Nothing else matters, nothing else is going to seep into this and ruin it for either of them. If nothing else over the course of this day, the castle, the time they spend inside it, it's going to be only for the two of them and Spencer's birthday.

He toes off his own shoes after undoing the laces, then looks at the entrance, his nose wrinkled slightly. The door isn't very big and he realizes he's going to have to crawl inside, then begins to do so with a muffled sigh. He feels a little silly like this, on his hands and knees, shuffling his way into an enclosed inflatable castle, but once he's inside, he knows it was a good idea.

The air is slightly warm, vented through screens near the top, and the sunlight filtered through the material sends everything into a soft red glow. It's actually kind of pretty inside and Joel climbs to his feet, trying to get his balance, then turns to help Spencer inside as well.

For most people, Spencer imagines, it probably isn't considered a defining moment to climb into a bouncy house for the first time but on this day, stepping into the castle's reddened interior makes him feel like he's a world away from the world. He takes Joel's hand as he pushes himself to his feet, unsteady and with his heart pounding in his chest both from an irrational fear of falling back down--irrational because it's not as if it would cause him a great deal of pain--and the enormous swell of affection for his husband. It isn't fair that Joel looks so decidedly beautiful with the shadows in the castle playing across the sharpest features of his face, that gentle smile settled over an expression that Spencer has only seen directed toward himself. Joel has done this for him, has attempted to bring a bit of light into a day that's been so dark over the past couple years, and Spencer isn't sure that he'll ever be able to express how grateful he is to have found someone willing to go so far just to see him happy.

It's barely been a moment but Spencer can already sense that he'd much rather spend a great deal of the day in here, alone with Joel and away from everything and everyone else. He's done so much hiding, has locked himself away in his home for fear of losing anyone who could possibly be considered important to him, but that's not what this is. That's not what this feels like. This is safety, of course it is, it always feels that way when he's with Joel; but beyond that, it's taking another step toward healing because in the years since his family's passing, he's spent as little time in this yard as possible. Maintenance hasn't been particularly important to him, and it shows in the little dock a few yards behind them and the overgrown patches of grass that have been missed on occasion by the people he'd hired to do the mowing. That he can be here now without feeling as if his throat is closing up so tightly that he might not be able to breathe at all is worthy of awe, and he looks around them for a long moment before settling his eyes back on Joel.

"I almost feel like I'm in a dream," he admits with a sheepish smile, giving an experimental bounce as he tightens his grasp on Joel's hands. It's with a delighted laugh that he lands back on his feet, the rippling of the canvas beneath them nearly sending them both to their knees before they're able to straighten themselves back to a steady position. He bites down on his bottom lip, going silent for a moment before taking a step back--still unwilling to let go of his husband's hand--and bouncing again. It's strangely therapeutic, he thinks as he does it again, the brief lightheaded feeling he gets as he's suspended for a second in the air contrasting quite nicely with what he supposes can almost be considered a jolt back to reality as he lands back on the mat. There's little room for thought while he does this because he's concentrated on not falling, on staying upright, on letting himself be overcome with a giddy enjoyment of getting as close as he'll ever get to being able to fly.

When he finally lets go of Joel's hand, he starts to move around the perimeter of the castle, encouraging his husband to follow as he tries all sorts of different maneuvers--both feet up, one foot up, knees tucked, legs scissored--until he's out of breath and finally works up the nerve to jump as high as he can and come freefalling onto his back with a grunt.

"Can we just keep this thing?" he asks, hair damp with sweat and chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath. There's a smile on his face that hasn't existed on his birthday for three years, and it feels strange to let himself keep it there; but at the same time, knowing that it's exactly what his mother and brother would want makes it just a little easier to swallow. "God, I never would have thought that a bouncy castle would be exactly what I needed. Nobody told me how cathartic this could actually be."

Even though the air is vented through the top of the castle, it gets warm inside fairly quickly, but Joel is enjoying himself too much to really notice. He bounces around with Spencer, following him and watching him more than anything, a smile plastered on his face. No matter how silly it might be, no matter how childish, it's made Spencer happy and that's the only thing Joel ever wants. Day in and day out, birthdays and holidays and every single regular day in between, he wants to be able to make Spencer happy. For a long time he had wondered if he would be able to do that. If someone like him, someone who generally kept to himself and had walls built up around him so thick that sometimes even his family could scarcely break through, could ever really make someone like Spencer happy. But he worries less and less with every passing day. He doesn't worry that Spencer will get tired of him or if he'll become annoyed with the way Joel is. His insecurities have all but left and all he knows is that he'll never stop. He'll never stop loving Spencer, he'll never stop trying for him.

Joel collapses next to Spencer, breathing hard, sweat beading on his forehead. He can feel his t-shirt clinging to his damp skin and he realizes he should have thought to bring out some water for the two of them, but right now, staring up at the roof of the castle with Spencer beside him, he can't imagine wanting to get up just yet. In a little while he'll go into the house and bring them out drinks and sandwiches, but for now he's perfectly content to stay right here.

"We should get a trampoline," he says, trying to imagine Spencer bouncing on one, then immediately shakes his head. "I take it back. I'm fairly certain having a child and a trampoline within a hundred feet of each other will end with me having a mini-stroke every single day."

But he's smiling and he reaches over, groping for Spencer's hand until he finds it and threads their fingers together. "I'm glad you like it. Maybe I should have gone for the clown and the pony, too."

He's teasing, though, if only because he doesn't want to involve anyone else in their day. The benefit of the castle was that it could go up and the men could leave. They'll be back later in the evening to take it down again and pack it away, but until then it's just the two of them, which is exactly how Joel wants it to be. "It does get warm in here, though, doesn't it?"

Spencer laughs, a deep belly laugh that seems to echo within the inflated walls of the castle, and he turns his head to grin fondly at Joel as their hands meet. "Maybe when the baby's about fifty, we can get the trampoline. Until then, it's bubble wrap, everywhere and all over everything." He realizes that there's no way they'll be able to protect their child from every single horrible thing this world has to offer, but he also knows he and Joel will be damned if they don't try. After everything they've seen, after the hell they've been through, there's simply no chance that they wouldn't be overly protective of the greatest gift they'll ever receive. Their child is already more precious to Spencer than anything else, and Erin has teased him more than once for being absurdly cautious when it comes to just being around, but he doesn't know how else to be.

He sighs, more wistful than anything else, and lifts his eyes back to the roof of the castle as he lets his mind wander. "I honestly never thought I'd smile on this day again," he admits, and he's not looking for pity. Not long ago, he hadn't been willing to talk about what had happened on this day and for a long time, he hadn't even spoken much of it to Joel. That he's able to talk about his mother and brother now without flinching is almost beyond his comprehension--but then again, it's no surprise by now that with Joel, it seems that next to anything his possible.

"I have to say, though," he continues, a smirk playing at the corner of his lips, "the clown and pony would have made this about a million times better." That is an entirely false statement because firstly, Spencer can't imagine any scenario that would be made better by a clown and secondly, the pony would have attracted far too much attention that would have driven people to their yard to see what was happening. This isn't a day for that and maybe one day, Spencer will be comfortable with sharing it with more than just his husband--and their child, of course--but right now, this is the most he's happy to do. Being here, shielded from everything else with Joel by his side, is the only thing he ever would have though to ask for.

Now, though, his attention shifts to how his damp hair is sticking to his forehead and the deeper breaths he's taking in the muggy air. "Well, now that you bring it up," he teases, lifting himself up on an elbow and looking down with a smile at the way Joel's curls wildly stick out every which way. He can't help himself, he leans down to press a kiss to Joel's temple then his cheek then his lips before leaning back, looking terribly pleased with himself. "But if that's you hinting that you'd like to take your clothes off, I can't say I'd object."

He hadn't done any of this with the intention of doing away with the memories of what happened on this day. Spencer's mother and brother are gone and there's nothing in the world Joel can do to take that back or make it any easier on him, there's nothing he can do that will make him forget what this day really is and he wouldn't want to. There's a sense of honour in remembering, he thinks, but he also knows that as the years go by it becomes a little easier to focus on the good memories and put the bad ones aside. Not away, especially not in a situation like this, where their loss had been violent and abrupt and criminal, but aside anyway. They're gone, but he wants Spencer to be able to remember how good it had been to have them and that it's okay to still find happiness, even on a day like this.

Maybe he'd never met them, but given what he's learned about them through Spencer, the stories he's heard and the way Spencer is, he thinks they would both want him to be happy. They would want to see him smile again, they would want to see him making new memories on this day. So none of this had been done with the intention of glossing over what this day is besides Spencer's birthday, but Joel is glad he accomplished the one thing he did set out to do. He'd wanted Spencer to smile a little, he'd wanted him to laugh and to be happy. Not to forget, but for a moment or two, to be able to move past the pain just a little and have something else. And if he's done that, then he's happy. Then he'll consider this day a rousing success.

He smiles when Spencer lifts himself onto his elbow, watching his face for any indication that it might be too much, that he might need a bit of a break. Right now he's doing his best to strike a balance. To not go too far in the other direction that it might read as disrespect, because he would never forgive himself if Spencer thought that Joel wanted him to just let it go entirely. He doesn't think of it as a delicate balance, he's not working too hard because he thinks Spencer knows him well enough to read his intentions, but he's still doing his best.

"Well, we do have this thing all day," he says with a deep laugh, lifting himself up a little so he can catch Spencer's mouth in another kiss. They're both sweaty and out of breath, but he's enjoying it. It's very physical in a much different way than he usually is. This isn't moving boxes of inventory or working on the house or the store, and he likes the new sort of strain in his muscles, even if right now, lying on his back, he can't quite feel it anymore.

Later, when the castle has been taken away and the sun has set and the stars take their place in the night sky, Spencer knows he'll find himself thinking of his mother and brother again. It isn't that he's forgetting now, it's just that he's welcoming the distraction Joel is offering from the pain of what this day has meant to him for the last few years. Of course, it isn't just that, Spencer doesn't consider this just a distraction. His entire life, Spencer had insisted that his family do nothing special for his birthday other than the usual breakfast and giving of gifts. He hadn't wanted themed parties or tons of people over, and he hasn't changed much; but this is different.

Joel isn't doing this because he thinks it'll change everything or because he hopes that with one bouncy castle, all of Spencer's anguish over losing his family will disappear. His husband, though he doesn't understand the loss itself--and Spencer wouldn't wish it upon anyone--has made every attempt to make sure that Spencer knows that this gesture is encompassed purely of love. This is for him, for them, something private that nobody else has been invited to because at the end of the day, the only one Spencer really wants to be with is Joel. He feels the same way anytime they go out to a social gathering together: willing to put forth the effort for as long as he can but wanting only to get home so he can be with his husband in their bed.

What Spencer appreciates most of all about what Joel has done for him today is that his husband has done it without any expectations. There's no pressure, there's never been pressure between them. Truly, all either of them have ever wanted is for the other to be happy, and Spencer thinks that's one of the many things that make their relationship so harmonious. Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own, he remembers reading that once, and he's come to realize just how true that really is. Without Joel, he wouldn't have this life. Without Joel, he'd still feel empty, and it's only because of Joel that he'd gained a real future. He owes this man so much, yet he knows that his husband would never demand anything of him in return; but Spencer thinks that if he makes Joel even a fraction as happy, he's at least on the right track in paying him back for everything.

"'All day' sounds like a promise," Spencer teases, shifting his body so he can lift his fingers to thread through curly hair as he traces his tongue over Joel's bottom lip. He goes in for another kiss, this one deeper and slightly more aggressive as he moans against Joel's mouth. Even if this is all they do, just lie here in this castle and kiss until it's dark out, Spencer already knows it will be the best birthday he's had in a long, long time.

"They probably won't be too happy with me if they come to take this down and it smells like sweat and sex," Joel teases with a grin, but his arm is looping around Spencer and he really doesn't care one way or another if the people who take the castle back are happy with him or not. He'll pay an extra damage deposit if they want him to, so long as he gets to see Spencer smiling on his birthday.

They're both sweaty and with anyone else, he thinks he would be uncomfortable in such a situation, but with Spencer all he wants to do is slide his hands under his husband's clothes and peel them off bit by bit. They're alone in the house now, which is actually quite nice, although he'd enjoyed having Raleigh living with them, too. It's just different, nothing he's ever experienced before. He'd been on his own for such a long time and then when he had moved into Spencer's, Raleigh had already been here. Now it's truly just the two of them, with the exception of Balto and Huxley, and while the puppy still takes a fair bit of attention, the cat more than takes care of herself.

And while this will change soon, too, while in the next few months a baby will join them and change the dynamic all over again, Joel is enjoying this for what it is while it lasts. Just the two of them in their back yard. It's perhaps a little more public a place than they usually find themselves kissing, but it's private enough and Joel slips his fingers under the hem of Spencer's shirt, tracing against the warm, damp skin of his lower back with slow, gentle movements.

This is the only place in the world he wants to be. He always feels this way with Spencer, it's hardly a surprise, but he loves that feeling. A sense of belonging in a way he'd never had until Spencer, a place for him to call home no matter where they are. His arms tighten around his husband and he sighs contentedly against his mouth, dragging him closer, pulling their bodies right up against each other.

There is no better way to spend a birthday, Spencer decides. He's never had been in a bouncy house before but Joel has certainly made the whole first experience an excellent one, and he already suspects it's going to be hard to convince him that letting anyone take it back at all is a good idea. What makes this all the more special is knowing just how hard Joel had worked to make sure this day would mean something more to Spencer than what it has in the last few years. His husband has only ever wanted the best for him, something Spencer has never doubted even if at times, he believes he doesn't necessarily deserve the best. He'd stopped wondering what Joel could possibly see in him a long time ago, has never doubted for a second that Joel loves him in spite of still finding himself surprised some days that anyone could; but he can easily say that this time last year, when he'd pictured what his life might be like in the future, he hadn't seen this coming.

Nothing could have prepared him for this, for strong hands and calloused fingers that are still so gentle to the touch sliding up his shirt, and his lips part against Joel's as a soft moan escapes him. There is no telling what the future might hold, it's true, but if there's one thing Spencer is certain of, it's that Joel will take care of him for as long as they live, and he's more than happy to return the favor. Spencer guides his own hand up his husband's shirt, brushing his fingers gently over Joel's navel before following the trail of hair that leads up his chest. He rests his hand over Joel's heart, taking comfort in the heartbeat that's steady but for the occasional jump. He loves this man with every part of himself, is so willing to give himself to Joel without question, and Spencer can selfishly admit on a day like today that their relationship is something to envy.

He's heard it before, after all, that he and Joel are perfectly suited for each other, meant for each other, so lucky to have found each other. This is the kind of love that doesn't come around very often, the kind that allows them both to look at each other and just know that their futures are secure, and for someone whose entire life has been full of insecurities, it still comes as a bit of a shock at times to wake up and realize that this hasn't been one big dream.

"You are warm," he says as he pulls away just slightly, grinning up at his husband with a hand still resting on his chest. Joel's always warm, though, the perfect companion for someone who's often so easily chilled, and Spencer slides his hand back out of the shirt so he can tug the hem halfway up Joel's stomach. "You ought to take this off, I think." He bats his eyes innocently, though his smile is nothing less than mischievous. "Just so you're comfortable, of course. I'm pretty sure there's actually a no shoes, no shirt, no nothing policy in this bouncy castle, I've just decreed it."

"It is your birthday, I'm fairly certain that means you're allowed to make up whatever rules you like. But only until midnight," Joel warns with a small, teasing smile before he reaches down and hooks the fingers of both his hands in the hem of his shirt. It's a bit of work, getting it off, the thin material stuck to his damp skin in a number of places, and especially since he doesn't want to move from his position under Spencer, but he gets there. Several moments later he tosses it toward the little door they'd come in through and hopes that anyone who might have a mind to come over and investigate the giant bouncy castle will take that as a sign that they shouldn't come too far inside unless they want an eyeful of something they might not have expected. It's not sock on the doorknob, but it will have to do.

Not that he really expects them to have any visitors. Anyone who knows them well enough knows what today is and he thinks they'll be left alone as a result. Strangers won't come over simply because they don't and Joel has every intention of using this likely state of privacy for anything and everything Spencer wants. This is his day and he's free to do with it what he will. Joel will be there no matter what he needs, but he truly wants nothing more than for Spencer to do exactly what he wants today.

"Jesus," he breathes with a laugh as he lowers himself back down to the floor of the castle. The material feels strange against his skin, cool and a little slippery, and he shivers even as he reaches for Spencer again, tucking the fingers of one hand into his belt and tugging him closer again. He wants their bodies pressed together, he wants to feel Spencer against his warm skin, he wants to feel like the air is heavy and pressing down on the both of them, keeping them together.

"I also think as the provider of this bouncy castle, I also get to make rules," he decides, sliding his hand back under Spencer's shirt, his fingers spreading against his skin and fingers kneading lightly into the muscles of his lower back. "Which means I think you ought to take your shirt off as well. So that we're on even ground, of course."

Not that they ever really need to be. There's been plenty of times when he's been fully dressed and Spencer has been completely naked, a feeling he's actually come to love. There's a strange sense of power in it, something he'd never abuse, of course, but something he loves all the same. It feels a little daring in ways he can't explain.

"These are good rules," Spencer breathes, huffing a soft, shallow laugh as he fumbles to unbutton his own shirt, all the while trying not to simply collapse in a boneless heap at the feel of his husband's fingers kneading into his back. It's a difficult task, though Spencer is always willing to go to great lengths when it comes to an endgame of having his husband inside him, and even though it takes him a few minutes, between the pausing to moan and kiss and moan yet again, he eventually manages to shrug it off his shoulders and throw it in the general direction Joel had tossed his own. Spencer has no idea where it actually lands, but it doesn't matter to him, not in the slightest. What he cares about right now if feeling his husband's bare chest against his, and he maneuvers their bodies so that he's straddling Joel's waist, elbows on either side of Joel's head.

He can feel Joel's erection straining, brushing against his own through the fabric of their pants, and Spencer wants nothing more than to rid them both of the frustrating barriers between them as quickly as possible but on the other hand, there's always been something appealing about taking their time. He rolls his hips slowly, grinding their cocks together as his lips part and his eyes flutter shut. "Joel," he murmurs, hoping that just speaking his husband's name is all he needs right now to convey just how much he loves him. There's never a moment of doubt between them, there couldn't be with how strong their connection has been from the start and the column of energy that follows them everywhere they go. The thread will never break, they've made promises to each other--vows--that Spencer isn't just confident won't fall apart but knows with absolutely certainty that they won't.

There's only one person in this world he'd allow to touch him like this, to exchange rings with, to actually celebrate a birthday with for the first time in years, and that will never change. This time last year, he would never have guessed that his thirtieth birthday would be spent making love to his husband in a bouncy castle but then again, Joel has never failed to pleasantly surprise him. Next month will bring another day of quiet celebration, and Spencer knows that he's not very good with baking cakes or cooking meals but that's hardly going to stop him from giving Joel what he deserves for his special day--that is, the absolute best that Spencer can offer. Every single day, Spencer tries to be the best husband he can be, and he thinks that for the most part, he's done a fairly good job. For two people who'd never thought they'd get married, they've done quite well for themselves.

The canvas of the castle is harsh on his elbows, and Spencer suspects that spending much more of his time in this position will lead to the kind of scraping and rashing that can't very easily be explained away, but he can't find it in himself to care. Later on in the evening, when they're holding each other close after sharing some whiskey as they watch the sun go down with Huxley and Balto at their feet--because this is what Spencer wants and after all, he has until midnight to do what he wants--a bit of redness on his elbows isn't going to matter because he's with the one he loves most in this world. The rest of his life will be dedicated to making sure his husband and their children know exactly how much he loves them as often as he can because Spencer already knows what it's like to live without a family.

He knows what it's like not to be able to hear his father say he's proud or his brother talk to him about his day or his mother tell him she loves him. Spencer knows these things and wishes so desperately that he didn't but more than that now, he hopes that it will be a long, long while before the family he's rebuilt understands that kind of pain. The man beneath him has given Spencer every reason to believe in the chance for a happy life again, and they've succeeded in so many ways already even before the baby has arrived that Spencer sometimes finds his head spinning to think that things are only going to get better for them.

"God," he groans, shifting his weight onto one elbow so he can bring a hand down to palm at Joel's length. "I don't know that we'll ever be on even ground, you have far too great an effect on me. One smile, and you know I'm at your beck and call."

It takes mere moments before Spencer has Joel breathing hard, his chest rising and falling heavily in the warm, damp air inside the castle. He thinks it should be uncomfortable, he should be too warm, too sticky, too something, but it never fails that he feels incredible when Spencer is touching him. They could be in the most physically uncomfortable position in the world and as long as Spencer's hands were on him, Joel is certain he would feel just fine. That the only thing he would even notice would be all the points where Spencer was touching him and nothing more. It's been like that since the very first time their fingers brushed, that afternoon in the park when Joel had been so focused on trying to figure out his premonitions, but everything else had fled his mind when he'd brushed the little finger along the edge of Spencer's hand. It had been practically nothing at all, barely a touch, certainly nothing comparable to the things they do to each other now, but he still remembers it so clearly, so distinctly. He remembers how it had felt, like little electric shocks were racing down the length of his arm, right to the centre of his chest where everything felt warm and tight. There are people who would likely laugh at him for feeling such a thing from such a small gesture, but he doesn't care. He knows what he felt then and he knows what he feels now and that's all that matters.

Spencer is his husband and he's the only person in Joel's entire life who has made him feel like fireworks are going off inside him. He's the only person who's made Joel's skin prickle with pleasure, the only person who has made it possible for him to understand that making love and fucking can be the same thing when it's with the right person. That every act between them, no matter how aggressive they might get, no matter how rough, is always entrenched so deeply in how much they love each other that there really is no difference. It all comes down to the same thing. Every single way Joel touches Spencer he does because he loves him. And every last little touch, even now, even with everything else they've done, will always thrill him. His fingers against the back of Spencer's neck or Spencer's hand on his elbow as they get up from a table at a restaurant. Every last point of contact makes him feel like he had that first day in the park.

"Spencer," he breathes, pushing his hips up against his husband's hand. "Oh god, you..." But Spencer is talking to him, telling him that one smile means he's at Joel's beck and call, and he wants to laugh, but he feels like he can't even catch his breath. The only sound that comes out is a breathless sort of giggle and that makes him laugh a little harder, even as he continues to roll against Spencer's hand.

It's usually Spencer who is so good at verbalizing what he's feeling in intimate moments like this, but it's his birthday and Joel wants to try. So he wets his lips with the tip of his tongue and his hands roam over Spencer's back and he says, "You... the things you do to me." His voice is hoarse and he has to pause and swallow before he thinks he can continue. "It took you all of ten seconds to get me hard when you started kissing me. That's all I need, just... just you. Just you within ten feet of me. I see you and I think about how much I love you and I want you so badly. I want to... to just... take you wherever we are. It never matters. Some days I don't think I'm going to make it all the way home."

And he's flushing as he speaks, his cheeks turning pinker by the moment, but he doesn't care. Spencer deserves to hear it, he deserves to know the sort of effect he has on Joel. It's not a secret, it's obvious enough by the way they are together, but sometimes it feels good to have things said. He knows how much he loves it when Spencer tells him how turned on he is and Joel doesn't know if he's any good at it, but he's trying. Because he wants Spencer to feel that way, too.

Neither of them need the words to be spoken aloud to know what the other is thinking. They're nearly always on the same page, wanting the same things and sharing the same values, and it's why Spencer knows for sure that he can say absolutely anything without fear of Joel's judgment. There are very few people in this town who've heard the truth about what had happened to his family on this day directly from him--the police had been first, of course, and most of them hadn't believed him. He'd told Raleigh about it, too, when she'd stopped by after what had happened in the lighthouse. They'd stood out in the backyard, and he'd admitted it for the very first time to someone he considered a friend. A large part of him believes now that he'd done it then because he'd been so terrified that he'd lost Joel already that there'd be nobody else, no one person that he could ever truly trust, and he'd needed to tell someone who'd cared.

He should have known all along that Joel would come back to him. Two people don't share a connection like they do and stay parted for long, at least Spencer can't imagine that's a possibility. He would never be able to live without Joel now, not voluntarily, and it is absolutely his intention that they will share a long, happy life together until they're very old and grey but even in the worst cases of scenarios, Spencer knows his heart could never find room for another love like this. It's once-in-a-lifetime, what he and Joel have, and he cherishes that every single day. When they're eighty, they're still going to be falling asleep in each other's arms, one of them with a book in his hands that he'll read to the other, and they'll spend many days reminiscing about the lifetime they've shared.

It's enough to bring him close to tears, knowing this about the man beneath him who's murmuring things that are somehow sexy and beautiful all at once because Spencer knows that his husband doesn't necessarily find this easy; but when Joel tries, it means the world. They do this for each other, provide the courage and the strength and the desire to cross lines they never would have thought they'd cross. Spencer has certainly never imagined he'd happily spread his legs and bend over to enjoy the feel of a tongue pushing inside him, he'd never thought he'd say things so thrillingly dirty that it could get someone hard almost instantly, and never once had he pictured himself being fucked against a bookshelf while in a woman's body.

"We really ought to get that bed in the back room," he teases, slowly inching his way further down the length of Joel's body. "That way, we only have to make it home for a second round." He brushes his lips over Joel's, smiling softly as he leaves a trail of kisses over his husband's cheek, down his jawline and over his Adam's apple until he's reached his chest. With one hand still rubbing against the outline of Joel's cock, Spencer moans with need, with a desire that he's only ever felt for this man, and he nips lightly at Joel's collarbone before glancing up with an impish grin. "If I didn't want you to fuck me so badly, I'd do everything in my power to make you come right now."

He's well practiced in getting Joel's jeans undone by now, and he only manages to tug them halfway to his husband's knees before he lets out a ragged groan and leans down push his tongue below the waistband of Joel's briefs.

At Spencer's words, Joel laughs, a sound that's both hoarse and bordering on giddy. It doesn't matter how hard he tries, he'll never be as good at this as Spencer is and he thinks he's perfectly content to hand over the mantle as the one of them who can talk dirty without sounding foolish or forced. Joel tries and he thinks Spencer appreciates the attempts and understands that the words are sincere no matter how strange they sound coming from Joel's mouth, but he's never going to be as good at it as Spencer. It had surprised him so much that first time, enough that he'd nearly driven his car into someone's mailbox, and he clearly remembers wondering where that side of Spencer had come from. Now he loves it as much as he loves every other part of Spencer. He loves that it's only for him, that no one looks at Spencer and has any idea the sorts of things he'll say to Joel later that evening. So few people would even imagine him being capable of it and that's a thought, too, that sends little thrills of pleasure down Joel's spine.

He's tried so hard and all Spencer has had to do is say one simple sentence and he feels completely undone. What he can take solace in is the knowledge that somehow he does the same to his husband. Most of the time he has no idea why someone as incredible as Spencer wants him, why someone this smart and this kind, why someone this incredibly beautiful and funny and alluring would ever show interest in him, but they're here and they love each other, and somehow there's something about Joel that turns Spencer on just as much. They're in sync, they always have been right from the start, and Joel knows just how lucky he is to have found someone who loves him this much. Who loves him as much as he loves them.

"It's your birthday," he manages to say as Spencer pushes his jeans down to his knees. He means it to be an argument as to why Spencer should be the one on his back right now with Joel hovering over him, showering him with attention and he even gets as far as pushing himself up onto his elbows, but then he feels his husband's tongue against his skin and his head falls back, his lips parted as he lets out a rough moan of pleasure. He's never once been in charge with Spencer, he knows that. He's never once had any sort of real power, but what makes all of this so good is that he knows they're on the same page there, too. They both feel like the other is in complete control, like they'd do whatever the other wanted them to. Because they both feel that way, everything comes out level, two people who only ever want to make the other feel good, and this is the first time in his life Joel has ever had anything like this.

He's never going to let it go. He's never going to do anything stupid to endanger what he's found. He's never going to hurt Spencer or make him feel, even for a second, like he isn't perfect for Joel in every possible way. This is the happiest he's ever been and he owes every last bit of it to the man whose tongue is currently tracing patterns on his skin and not a day passes when he doesn't think about just how lucky he is.

Somehow he's managed to keep himself pushed up onto his elbows and he takes the opportunity to look look down at Spencer, to enjoy the way the soft light filtered through the material of the castle hits him. Everything feels a little hazy, a little otherworldly and it doesn't help that he's always felt like Spencer is honestly the most beautiful person he's ever seen. He knows where he lives, he knows there are all sorts of incredible people in Siren Cove, but none of them have ever held a candle to Spencer, and right now Joel thinks he might just look the most amazing he ever has.

"It's my birthday," Spencer answers, nodding firmly as he curls his fingers under Joel's waistband, ever so slowly tugging them down and practicing the sort of self-control he really thinks he ought to be congratulated for during a time like this. He presses soft kisses down the trail of hair that leads to his husband's length, biting down hard on his lip to keep from moaning too loudly when he gives a slightly stronger pull of the briefs and Joel's cock springs from its confines. He doesn't want to waste time, not right now, not when he's already aching in his own jeans and desperately in need of his husband inside of him, and he leans forward to flick his tongue out at Joel's tip before enveloping the length with his mouth. The weight between his lips is warm, heavy, familiar, and Spencer lets his eyes flutter shut as he begins to bob his head.

It's his birthday, and he's getting what he wants, what he always wants, what he always will want. From that time they'd shared a bottle of whiskey in the library, feet dangling from the second level while they'd both sat there thinking of what it might be like just to touch the other, Spencer has wanted this. He might not have been thinking beyond Joel pushing him up against a shelf for a kiss at that point, certainly hadn't put a great deal of thought--or any at all, frankly--at first into what it would be like to have Joel's tongue slipping into him, but he knows he'd wanted to be closer. As close as Joel would let him be.

Until Joel had taken his hand that evening at the Coombs' ball, Spencer had convinced himself that all of this would only ever be a fantasy. That Joel would bring him lunch, would find odd reasons to come find him at the library more times in a week than he had in ten years, would show up to social events that Spencer hadn't recalled seeing him at before, none of that had really added up in Spencer's mind to Joel actually wanting him. Nobody, at least not to Spencer's knowledge, has ever wanted him like this. Joel does and not only that, he'd been willing to wait until Spencer was ready to take the next step. This entire relationship is the stuff Spencer is quite certain many people's dreams are made of and here he is, a man who has never even hoped for a future, enjoying every moment with the love of his life at his side. It's more than Spencer could have asked for, it's more than he ever would have thought to have asked for, and he reminds himself of that every single day. When he looks at his husband, gazes at him from across rooms or beside him in bed, Spencer remembers just how lucky he is to have been found. To have been made Real.

Sliding his hand up Joel's stomach, fingers deliberately digging into skin, he smiles as he takes his husband deeper, developing a rhythm that he'd very much like to carry forward in an entirely different way, but they're significantly lacking lube in this bouncy castle so Spencer knows they have to take extra care with preparation. Of course, the preparations he's thinking of aren't exactly off-putting, so there's really no losing in this either way. Although, he supposes he could very well get carried away doing just this because there are few things Spencer has found he enjoys doing more than finding new ways to make his husband moan with a well-timed harder suck or an unexpected squeeze of a nipple between his fingers. Every sound that leaves Joel's mouth is like a musical note that only encourages Spencer to do more, to keep going so he can hear more, so he can know what he's doing right and memorize it so he can do it again.

But his husband is writhing beneath him and as much as Spencer would love to taste him, there's so much more he wants to do before they leave this castle. It already smells of sweat and sex, it's going to be extremely evident what they've gotten up to in here by the time the workers return to take it down, but Spencer can't find it in himself to care. He pushes himself back up, licking one last stripe up the underside of Joel's cock as he does, and smiles wickedly up at his husband.

"My turn now."

That's all Joel needs, really, to surge up from where he's lying back on the canvas of the castle and reach for Spencer. It's not easy, but he kicks his jeans and briefs off the rest of the way at the same time, just barely managing to do so without getting tangled. He's reaching for Spencer, tangling his fingers in his husband's hair, because Spencer had said that, my turn now, and all Joel wants to do is give him more than a turn. He wants to press Spencer down and use his fingers and his tongue on him until he's just about ready to go crazy. Until he's more than ready for Joel's cock, until he's begging for it, until he's willing to say all the things Joel can think, but can never seem to manage to say without stammering. This is the happiest he's ever been, the most comfortable he's ever felt, the best he's ever known anyone and he can't say all those things without having trouble, but he can show Spencer. He can touch him and he can make him feel good and he can do absolutely everything in his power to make sure his husband knows just how happy he is. How much he loves him.

He's on his knees, the fingers of one hand sliding into Spencer's hair and his other arm wrapping around him, sliding around his back so that he can support Spencer as he changes their positions. Spencer is taller than he is, but Joel is bigger and he's never had much of a problem moving Spencer around in bed -- or in the castle, as it were -- but he thinks that has little to do with their relative sizes. More than anything, he thinks Spencer just trusts him. They trust each other. When one of them is trying to maneuver the other in bed, they just go with it, moving with surprising ease, because they trust each other. Whatever Spencer ever wants of him, Joel is willing to do it and he knows the same sort of trust is returned to him. It's why they work so well. It isn't just that they love each other, that they want each other, but that for the first time in what is perhaps a very long time, they've both found someone they know will always hold their best interests at heart.

And that is a sentiment Joel is certain he can apply to every aspect of their lives. Even this moment right here. His arm is tight around Spencer and he uses it to guide his husband down against the floor of the castle, hovering over him. He wants to undress Spencer, he wants to strip him down and be able to press his hot, flushed skin right up against him, but his hips roll and his cock rubs against the rough material of Spencer's jeans and for just a moment Joel feels like he can't move. A strangled sort of groan rises up in his throat and when he's reaching down between them, undoing Spencer's jeans at the same time as he leans in to find his mouth, kissing him hard. It's faint, but he can taste himself on Spencer's lips and that pulls another low sound out of him, something bordering on a growl, and he can feel how hard his cock is, aching between his legs, but he's less concerned with himself. There's no way Spencer is going to let him walk away from this castle unsatisfied, so he's perfectly happy to lavish as much attention on his husband as he can get away with, all the while ignoring his own erection, because he knows how this is going to end. He knows how they'll always end.

"Off," he groans against Spencer's lips, unwilling to stop kissing him long enough to actually focus on getting his jeans off. He's gotten the zipper down and he's tugging them slowly down Spencer's hips, but it doesn't seem anywhere near fast enough. Not for the sorts of things Joel wants to be doing to him right now.

Eventually he has to break the kiss with a soft gasp and he can't go far, not as first. He presses another kiss to Spencer's chin, then smiles at him before he reaches down with both hands, tucking his fingers into the waist of Spencer's briefs and pulling them down along with his jeans. And he moans at the sight of Spencer, finally nearly naked, and he doesn't think he'll ever stop being stunned by how perfect his husband is in every way. He sees him naked every single day, but each and every time he does, Joel can't help but stop and admire how beautiful he is, how perfectly lean his body it, how unexpectedly strong. "God," he murmurs. "You're beautiful."

Every time Joel says that to him, that he's beautiful, it fills him with a warmth that only his husband has ever been able to make him feel. From anyone else, the attention would be unwelcome, uncomfortable, but Joel has never once said it to gain anything. He'd said it long before they'd started having sex, it's never just been a line between them to butter the other up for something, it's beyond genuine. It's simply truth. In a town like Siren Cove, it's impossible to ignore that there are residents and visitors alike who always seem to be a step above attractive. That in itself had made it easier for Spencer to avoid intense scrutiny, he's far skinnier and lankier and more awkward in the way he would so often slouch or keep his head down while he walked that being ignored in favor of someone he'd consider classically good-looking had become the norm. He'd always preferred it that way, had considered himself lucky to be able to escape eyes that look him over or flirty smiles from people who clearly want more than just a good conversation--which he likely wouldn't have been able to provide anyway--but with Joel, Spencer has always just accepted it. Yearned for it.

To Joel, he is beautiful, and Spencer is comfortable with that because the feeling is entirely mutual. His eyes wander down the length of what's visible of Joel's body, strong and firm and yet somehow so gentle, and he is perfectly confident in saying that nobody in this world could ever hope to compare. He leans his head up to catch Joel's lips in another kiss, hips rolling off the floor of the castle as he whimpers until his husband has fully discarded them off to the side, and he wraps his arms around Joel's neck to deepen the kiss. Their teeth clash, tongues dancing and tangling, and he tugs lightly on a fistful of curls until he can't take it anymore. He pulls back, torn between changing his mind and moving back in to trace his lips over Joel's or urging Joel's head between his legs but before he can make the decision, Spencer pauses just to study his husband's face.

Just as he's sure his own are, Joel's eyes are slightly glazed over with arousal, lips still moving as if their kiss had never ended, and Spencer smiles softly. He wants to say something in this moment, anything just to let Joel know what he's feeling, what he's thinking, but the very thing about it is that Spencer is sure that Joel does know. They can't read each other's mind, they don't share a psychic connection, but they don't need that. They never have. All that they share together, they've shared from the beginning, and it all has to do with trust. Spencer had said it the first time they'd made love, those words he'd meant just as strongly then as he does now--I'm only for you--and there will never a come a day that they won't be true. He remembers feeling so whole the very first time Joel had entered him, full and content and complete, and that's never gone away. Even when they take things to a slightly rougher level, even on those nights Joel fucks him hard enough to still feel every inch of him the next morning, Spencer has never once been unwilling to give every last bit of himself to this man.

"Even after our first time," he murmurs, nearly breathless as he reaches between them to take one of Joel's hands and slowly guide it down his own body, shivering as fingertips brush over his tattoo and down his hip to his eager cock. "I knew. Your hands are the only ones I'll ever want on me. You were the first one-- you're the only one who's ever made me feel like I wanted to belong to somebody." He gasps at the feel of a finger tracing over his ass, huffing out a laugh as he lets his head fall back onto the canvas and grinning widely up at the ceiling. Whatever Joel has in store for him, Spencer will happily let him do it for as long as he'd like. No matter what, he knows his husband will take care of him, not just in their moments of intimacy but in every aspect of their lives. Through life's surprises, through unpredictability, Spencer still feels safe, and he thinks that's one of the greatest gifts Joel will ever give him.

Fear doesn't claim him anymore. He could lose everything tomorrow, he's thought about that more than once, but Joel is his reason for not giving in to letting the possibility overwhelm him. Whether he'd intended it or not, Joel has taught him that sometimes, risk is worth it. This relationship, this love and connection they share, they hadn't found it by sitting at home and only hoping that it would come to them. They'd both taken leaps, and they'd landed here. Together, always. "I belong to you," he says, voice dropping to a whisper as his eyes fall shut. "For the rest of my life, I'm always going to belong to you."

"Spencer... god," Joel breathes and he feels stunned to silence by the things his husband is saying. What he'd wanted more than anything was to give him a good birthday. Treat him like he deserves, give him a day of good memories instead of the awful ones he's been carrying with him for the past two years. His only goal today had been to do whatever Spencer wanted of him. He had set up the castle, but beyond that he'd planned on taking all his cues from Spencer just to make sure, no matter what, that he wasn't overstepping or overwhelming his husband in any way. But his intention all along had been to do something special for Spencer and now they're here in this warm, humid castle, both of them stripped naked, nothing at all between them, and Spencer is the one saying some of the most incredible things Joel has ever heard. It doesn't really surprise him, he's understood for a long time now that his husband is capable of putting his feelings to word much more beautifully than Joel will ever be capable, and he knows Spencer is always going to do it at times like this, when he's not quite expecting it, but it still stuns him all the same. It leaves him feeling breathless and speechless. And even now, as turned on as he is, he feels a little bit like he might cry. Like the feelings he's holding onto, the ones reserved for Spencer, the ones he'd never known before this are just all too big to be contained by his body.

"I'm yours," he breathes before he leans down to grip Spencer's thighs with both his hands, pushing him up, curving his body. "God, Spencer, I'm only ever going to be yours." It doesn't even come close to expressing what he really wants to say, especially when Spencer has so beautifully expressed his own feelings just moments earlier, but what he lacks in eloquence he thinks he makes up for in sincerity. It might not be poetry or verses from love stories, but he means it with every fibre of his being. Every last molecule in his body loves Spencer, is meant for him, and he knows Spencer doesn't doubt that. He can't, not with everything they've given each other, everything they've promised and everything they've built. They don't doubt each other, that's part of what makes this relationship so incredible, and he wonders if many people have found something like this. If there are marriages as solid as their own.

With one last stunned looking grin, he ducks his head and swipes his tongue along the inside of Spencer's thigh. For a moment it feels like his head is spinning, between the things Spencer has said to him, the feel of his warm, damp skin under Joel's fingers and the taste of his sweat on his tongue. He feels dizzy with it, heady and delirious. He almost laughs, then slides one hand further up Spencer's thigh, his thumb brushing against his ass before he follows the path with his mouth, pressing warm, open mouthed kisses against his skin. What he wants more than anything is to be able to fuck Spencer, but he thinks he might be more than happy to spend the next day here, too, kissing and licking. Even just a year ago he never would have imagined himself doing anything like this. He never would have thought himself capable, would have been terrified at the thought of being so intimate with anything, but everything with Spencer has always been so simple. Right from the start. No one else has ever made him this comfortable, this confident, and Joel has trusted Spencer right from the beginning to tell him if he was doing something he didn't like. They can talk to each other. That means so much more than Joel has ever realized.

He brushes his thumb against Spencer's ass again, over that tight little ring of muscle and then follows it with his tongue, groaning low in his throat at the same time. This is something he genuinely thinks he might be able to do forever and he smooths his free hand over Spencer's thigh, then reaches up carefully, wrapping his fingers around the base of his cock. The shape of him is so familiar in Joel's hand, a comforting, heavy weight, and he had truly never imagined he would be good at anything like this before Spencer came into his life. He changed everything Joel ever thought about himself. He's made him so much better than he ever could have been on his own.

"God, Spencer," he breathes, then presses in again, his tongue slowly fucking into Spencer's ass. He should have considered this, should have thought to bring some lube outside for them to use, but he hadn't known what to expect of this day. As it is, he can't imagine having to stop and go inside, so he uses his tongue on Spencer instead, groaning as his hand slowly strokes Spencer's cock at the same time.

It's easy to let himself forget, just for a little while, what else this day means when his husband's tongue is buried in his ass like this, and Spencer gasps at the slow, wet press of it moving in and out of his body. He's writhing beneath Joel, hands grasping for purchase he won't find against the canvas floor, and one hand reaches up to thread through his hair instead, tugging at long strands that have grown nearly to his shoulders after months without a fresh trim. He's kept it this way because he knows Joel likes it, and he's been able to take that step toward removing himself from the memory of Mark Fuller pulling on it so roughly before delivering another blow to his face and replacing it with that moment at the art fair when Joel had so gently tucked a loose strand behind his ear.

Sometimes, he thinks, it's as if Joel has been brought into his life to slowly replace the bad with nothing but good. Bit by bit, life has become better, kinder, and Spencer knows why. It's this man, the one he knows would do absolutely do anything for him, and Spencer has felt so out of place for so much of his thirty years until now; until he'd found home in Joel's embrace. His husband's hand works over his cock in a steady rhythm that's followed by his tongue, making every second of this maddening because while Spencer can usually find it in himself to be patient about most things, it's waiting for Joel to fuck him that he's learned is very nearly impossible.

The first time they'd done this, with Spencer bent over the couch after being caught sucking Joel's cock behind the counter in the bookshop, he'd had no idea what to expect. He'd had no idea whether Joel would enjoy it, whether he'd enjoy it, but he supposes it should come as no surprise that they both had. Everything they've done together in their intimacy has been better than Spencer could have imagined, and he knows it's not simply because he has nothing much to compare it to. He's being honest when he says Joel's hands are the only ones he wants on him. Even before they'd met, Spencer had noticed people but felt no desire to act on that until he and Joel had spent that evening together in the library. Every time they make love feels better than the last, and Spencer doesn't anticipate that changing anytime soon. His husband knows him better than anyone, is the only person who knows his body so expertly, and perhaps for some people, that might get boring. For some people, being with one person for the rest of their lives might seem like a daunting notion, a frightening one because it means never getting to experience new things with new partners.

But for Spencer, it's all he wants. For the rest of his life, he'll want to share everything with just one man, and some days, he still can't believe Joel had found him. It's a greater gift than he sometimes thinks he deserves but that only makes him more respectful of this relationship, of their love and marriage. It's precious, rare, and Spencer knows this not only because he feels it, not only because he's been told, but because he sees the way people have looked at them with envy when they walk down the street with their hands linked. It's evident how happy they make each other, he thinks, because years had gone by with both of them going through life with their heads down until they'd met each other. He'd told Joel once that he doesn't do that anymore, that he doesn't stare at the ground when he walks anymore, and it's because he feels so much less like he has to hide. Joel has given him the strength and the confidence to walk with his head held high, and that's something that Spencer hadn't thought anyone would be able to do.

"Mine," he murmurs, eyes fluttering back open to meet Joel's gaze. He bites down on his lip, torn between wanting more of Joel and not wanting him to stop pushing that tongue inside of him, but he knows what he needs. His hips rolls in time with the strokes, fingers tightening in his hair as he lets out a low whine. "Baby, please, I need to feel all of you."

Spencer's words drag a muffled groan out of Joel and he pulls back a little, once again wishing he'd had the foresight to a bottle of lube out with him. He should have known, really, that this would be what they would get up to inside this ridiculous castle once they were done bouncing. There's never been anyone in his life he's wanted as much as he wants Spencer and while their relationship is about so much more than just the physical aspects, Joel knows there's no sense in denying just how deeply he's attracted to Spencer, how beautiful he finds his husband or how badly he wants him most moments in a day. He loves and respects Spencer, he thinks he's by far the most brilliant person he's ever met, the most interesting, the most thoughtful and kind and compassionate. But he's also physically the most perfect person Joel has ever seen, the most person person he will ever see. The idea that a moment might pass by when he doesn't want Spencer is downright laughable and when they have time like this, perfectly alone in some new and foreign location, he should have anticipated this happening. They can barely keep their hands off each other at the best of times and now, breathless and sweating from their exertions, he should have long since seen this coming and prepared for it.

There's nothing to be done about that now, however, so he sits up on his knees between Spencer's legs and drags him a little closer, his hands still on his thighs. Then he lifts his hand to his mouth, slipping his fingers between his lips to make sure they're wet before he reaches down again, pressing one of them gently against Spencer's ass. It's easier now than it had been at first and although he's still careful, his fingers slips inside Spencer without much effort and he lets out another soft moan at the feeling of his husband's body warm and tight around him. Within a few moments he's pushing a second finger inside him as well, his teeth pressed down tight on his lower lip as he tries to keep some semblance of control over himself, which is difficult with Spencer and has been right from the start. There are times when Joel wants to go slow, when he wants to make things last and really drag it out so that he and Spencer are both begging for it by the time they're done, but it's always difficult for him. He always wants everything right now, even though he knows how much better things will be if he just lets himself relax and sink into this.

But he thinks Spencer is just as impatient as he is and within a few minutes, Joel draws his fingers back and then does the only thing he can think of and uses his tongue to wet his palm. It isn't going to be the same as lubricant and he thinks maybe he'll need to be just a little more careful than he usually is, but he wants this so badly and he doesn't want to have to waste any time getting dressed and running back to the house. So he wets his hand and then reaches down to drag it over his cock, stifling another low moan as he does. Even just touching himself is making it difficult to hold back and he shuffles forward a little, curving Spencer's body, holding onto his thigh with one hand and onto himself with the other. Not that long ago he would have asked if Spencer was okay, he would have needed to be sure, but now they've been together long enough that Joel can just look at him and he knows. He can read Spencer's expressions better than he's ever been able to anyone else and when he catches sight of his husband, when their gazes lock, he smiles just slightly and he knows.

Everything he's done today has been for Spencer and while this has the added bonus of being something he loves, it's no different. This is for his husband. Everything is for his husband.

Then his hips are arching forward and he's pushing into Spencer's body and he goes as slow as he possibly can, feeling a little bit of a tug, a little resistance. He's careful, though, and he's gentle, making sure that he never once hurts Spencer. It's not the sort of thing Joel would allow himself on any day, let alone on one as important as Spencer's birthday, and so no matter how badly he just wants to thrust into him, he takes his time. His thighs are trembling with exertion and he shifts a little, changing the angle, moving so he can brace himself on the castle floor beside Spencer's body. The material dips a little at the changing weight and Joel laughs, the sound breathless and happy, and he tries to keep his balance. "I didn't think this part through," he says and he's laughing again, still careful, the sound still caught somewhere in his chest.

The castle is silent but for the heavy, hot breaths and occasional moan of pleasure between them but when Joel's laughter cuts through the muggy air, Spencer falls into that old cliche of being quite certain that his heart has skipped a beat. His head is spinning with so much that he doesn't even know where to begin with processing any of it, from the joy of hearing that infectious laugh to how much deeper Joel's cock has entered him thanks to the dip of the floor beneath them. There's no reconciling them, not right now, not even when no matter which order he thinks of all of this first, he's still the happiest man alive. All he knows is that this day that has been so filled with pain in the last couple years has slowly begun to turn into one that has him smiling again.

He reaches out to gently wrap his arms around Joel's waist, letting his hands travel downward over his husband's ass, fingertips drifting over the skin before dragging up his spine. All he ever wants throughout any given day is to be touching Joel, to have his hands all over him and know with absolute certainty that nobody else gets to see this, gets to have this. This relationship has never been primarily about the sex, they'd waited so much longer than most couples seem to these days to fall into bed together but even when they had, it hadn't been purely carnal. Spencer had wanted Joel for quite some time at that point, had thought about getting Joel naked and taking him in his mouth more and more as they'd spent more time together, but their love doesn't rely on how often they make each other come.

The reason they work so well intimately is because of the love they share, because of how often they're on the same page in the other aspects of their life, and Spencer has never found one person to be so agreeable in every possible way. On paper, Joel sounds like the kind of man who can't exist in reality, the kind of man Spencer could never hope to find a lover or a best friend in, but here they are. Joel's buried inside him, both of them gazing at each other as if the rest of the world has faded away, and Spencer supposes that in many ways, it has.

When they're like this, when they get to bare their bodies and souls to each other before making love, Spencer can let himself forget about everything else. His focus is on his husband, on the way Joel makes him feel physically and emotionally, on how alive he is now that he's found a reason to be just that. He rolls his hips in time with Joel's, starting a steady rhythm as he lets out a long moan, punctuated every so often with a short gasp each time Joel pushes into him again, and it's a little difficult with such an unsteady floor but they make it work. Just like everything else in their lives, they make it work.

"Joel," he murmurs, leaning his head back and baring his throat as his jaw drops in ecstasy, eyes squeezed shut even though he wants nothing more than to watch the expression on Joel's face change. It's a beautiful thing to witness, to see that look of concentration shift into something so free once Joel reaches his release, but they have time for that yet. Spencer has learned the signs of when Joel will come and maybe for some people, that would get boring but for him, it's just knowing that he's done something right. They have a healthy sex life, sometimes even an experimental one, and not once has he made Joel come only to wish that they'd done something different.

This is his paradise, right here, just having the opportunity to be with a man like this, and he wouldn't change it for the world.

When Spencer tilts his head back, when Joel sees that long line of his throat, he can't help but lean in, dragging his tongue up the length of it, up the tendon that sticks out, following it up toward Spencer's ear before he bites down gently and muffles a groan against his skin. Times like this, with Spencer under him, when he can see him in this manner, it reminds Joel of the first time they were together. In that bed in his apartment, the way they'd barely been able to make it all the way upstairs before getting their clothes off, how stunned he had been to see Spencer naked for the first time. He still feels that way. There are times when he's still awake, the glow of his computer the only source of light in the room, and Spencer will turn over in his sleep, he'll bury his arms under the pillow and press his cheek against it and Joel will find himself losing more time than he realizes to just looking at his husband. The wide, smooth expanse of his back, the way the muscles shift under his skin, the curve of his shoulders. All Spencer is doing in those moments is breathing and dreaming, but Joel finds himself completely fascinated all the same and it's been nearly a year now, and he doesn't see that changing any time soon. From the very first day they'd met, despite the fact that Joel had been irritated by Spencer putting himself in danger, he'd been entranced. Unable to look away, unable to meet his gaze, unable to function all that well whenever Spencer was in the vicinity, though he supposes an argument could be made that he wasn't all that good at functioning anyway.

But no matter what they do, no matter how much Joel loves every single way in which they've made love, being able to see Spencer is always his favourite thing. He'd thought about it, about finding a full length mirror for their bedroom, something that seems innocuous enough, but can be moved when necessary, so he can see Spencer when he's behind him. So he can watch the way Spencer's expressions change when Joel grabs him by the hips and drags him back onto his cock. It's his favourite thing, just seeing the way he makes Spencer feel, and maybe it's a little silly, but he takes a strange sense of pride in making his husband feel good. If that's all he does for the rest of his life, if making Spencer feel good in every possible way becomes the only goal he has, he thinks he would die a very happy man.

And when he thinks about their first time, he remembers how much more difficult it had been for him to say the things he'd wanted to say. It hadn't been out of embarrassment, because right from the beginning, nothing about being with Spencer had been embarrassing. Neither of them had an extensive list of experience and that was okay, they'd learned from each other instead, they'd mapped their bodies and experimented and found the right ways in which to move. But for as much trouble as Joel has now telling Spencer how much he wants him, how beautiful he is, that first time had been so much more difficult and he smiles a little at that. It's just one more thing Spencer has been teaching him. How to say what he feels, how to be honest, how to make the words come when it feels like they might not. He's never been particularly good at expressing himself when it comes to the more personal, emotional topics, but he's so much better at it now than he's ever been before and Spencer's the only person who can claim any credit over that. He's the only person in the world Joel would ever try so hard for.

"You're so beautiful," he murmurs as his hips drive forward again. Spencer's body has relaxed around him and he can move easier now, rolling his hips, thrusting deeper into him, feeling the way his body clenches tight and hot around Joel's cock. They know each other so well and Joel wonders at the people who find such things boring. Getting to learn Spencer's body has been the most wonderful gift he's ever been given and now, nearly a year later, getting to use that expertise almost every day is something he knows he'll never be able to give up. Even if all that manage is a quick kiss before they open the store, Joel does his best to make it count, to make it something he knows will leave Spencer just a little bit dazed and that's come to him with time, with learning what Spencer likes best, and with remembering every last little detail, every touch that has ever made Spencer moan.

"You're just so beautiful," he says again, shifting on the unsteady floor, his elbow resting beside Spencer's body, the fingers of his other hand closed tight around his hip. It's only a moment, though, before he slips his hand between their bodies and seeks out the warmth of Spencer's cock. He's hard and heavy in Joel's hand and as he thrusts deeper into his husband, his fingers wrap tighter around his cock, stroking him in time.

He's been goaded more than once--specifically, he supposes it's worth mentioning, by Coop, who barely gets a reaction out of Spencer anymore because the man is who he is without apology but with a great deal of admittedly likable charm--what his and Joel's sex life is like, how often they're intimate and in how many different ways, and Spencer thinks that if he were to ever divulge such private information, people might be surprised about the answers they get. Sometimes it still surprises even him to remember that he'd gone eleven years without having sex or worrying about when he would again to having it nearly every night.

Everything about his life had changed the moment he'd met Joel, not only in the bigger ways like his sex life or the way he responds to people when they come calling now, but in the finer details, too. A glass of whiskey is shared rather than taken alone, dinner isn't delivery but home-cooked, and when he settles down for bed with a book at night, there's a strong chest beside him that serves as much better pillow than his own. There's no denying that his husband has changed him, and he doesn't think anyone who'd known him even remotely well before he'd met Joel would disagree; but at the same time, Spencer still feels like himself, but in a way that he's more happy to embrace and accept.

He's never been especially insecure, he hasn't spent a great deal of time wondering or even really caring what others think of him. The only time that had been an issue of concern had been at the peak of the frenzy that had followed his family's deaths because it's hard to ignore threats and harassment and unbridled hatred when he's simply walking down the street. But even the pain of those memories, of having people spit in his direction or look at him as if they truly could believe he'd been responsible for killing his own mother and brother, has faded because the love of his life goes to such great lengths to make Spencer feel like this world isn't the awful place he'd once believed it to be. He doesn't look in the mirror and see a pallid complexion or excessively heavy bags under his eyes anymore; he sees someone who is genuinely happy with his life, who has gained a sense of optimism for his future, and it makes him smile like nothing else. Joel always brings that out of him, the smile that he wouldn't be able to muster for anyone who isn't his husband, and it makes its way across his features now.

"Love you," he manages to gasp after a particularly well-placed thrust, his hips rolling with pleasure and the desire for more. His cock feels like its throbbing in Joel's hand, and the floor of the bouncy castle is making it awfully difficult to keep himself steady but it doesn't matter because Joel keeps moving, keeps fucking him, and Spencer is desperate to come already but wishes this could go on forever. This is an incredible gift Joel has given him, and it's not just that they're making love, it's everything. He's never had sex on his birthday, has never been presented with the chance to, though he suspects he wouldn't have taken it even if he did.

It's not that he'd viewed sex as especially valuable or meaningful, certainly not after his prom night encounter that had left him feeling so exposed and vulnerable after Darcy had run off to join a party as if they'd never fallen into bed together at all. But then he'd discovered what had been lacking for him after he and Joel had first made love, and it'd been the connection he hadn't even known he'd wanted. His entire adult life had consisted of almost friendships, of almost getting close to people he likes but could never quite connect with until that one day in May when his entire world had shifted.

He's married now, an expecting father, and on his birthday, his husband is pumping in and out of him inside an adult bouncy castle that's been set up in the backyard where his family had been killed. It's all absurd, every last bit of it, because his life has been so full of tragedy that to be countered with such joy almost seems wrong because so few people get a chance to feel like their pasts can stop defining them. Joel has never looked at him like a man who's been accused of murder, there's never been a moment of quizzical study as he'd considered whether or not Spencer had done it. His husband simply loves him for who he is, would believe anything Spencer says, which is exactly why he will never take advantage of that.

"God," he groans, eyes flying open and widening as the sound of skin against skin starts to echo against the castle walls. "God, Joel, please. Please, I'm getting close, I want to feel you first. I want-- I want--" He's rambling, he knows he is, he barely even knows what he's saying anymore because he can feel the tinglings of bliss starting up in his belly, but it doesn't matter. He knows Joel will understand him because he always does. "You're so perfect, baby, I love you so much."

During their time together, Spencer has taught Joel so much about himself. He's taught him that he's capable of smiling and laughing more often, that he's capable of being kind and reaching out and even responding to people when they reach out to him. Spencer has taught Joel that it's okay to let people in, that it's even okay to still be faintly awkward about it, that no one expects him to know what to say all the time and that they may still like him regardless of how many times he stops and starts the same sentence. He's learned how to be more comfortable just being himself and how not to keep everyone at arm's length. But even more than that, more than almost anything else, Spencer has taught him just how easily undone he is with the right words or the right look or the right touch. So long as they all come from Spencer, it takes only seconds before Joel is absolute putty in his hands, his body responding to his husband in ways he'd never even known were possible. He simply hadn't known what his body could do and he's sure none of this would be possible without Spencer. This isn't just something he needed to learn with anyone, he needed this man, this particular man, the one he'd do absolutely anything for, Joel is completely sure of that.

And so when Spencer tells him to come first, that he wants to feel him, it doesn't surprise Joel even in the slightest that his body responds almost instantly. He can feel it, heat and little sparks of pleasure coiling low in his belly, like a tightening ring squeezing down the length of his spine. He's breathless, panting heavily, his hair hanging in his eyes and he doesn't know the last time it's been this long, but he loves when Spencer buries his fingers in his curls, when he guides Joel, when he tugs and pulls, sometimes hard enough to sting, and so he's left it. He'll do whatever Spencer seems to like best, but in this instance, he's left it because of his good it feels when his husband's fingers are wound through his hair, holding onto him with the sort of desperation Joel to proud to know he can cause.

But Spencer tells him to come and it's the only thing Joel wants. His hand is still moving over Spencer's cock, his fingers slick with sweat, and he's sticky and warm, beads of sweat rolling down his back, one dripping off the end of his nose to land on Spencer's chest and Joel groans as he ducks down, almost as it chasing it. His tongue swipes over Spencer's skin, sliding across his nipple, tasting the salt of them both all over him, and then he's coming, like a whipcrack, sudden and hard, his back arching. The sound of his groans is too loud, he knows it but he can't stop himself as his hips drive forward again, as he buries himself as deep as he can inside Spencer's body, his cock twitching. His knee slips on the material of the castle and he braces himself harder on his elbow to keep himself from just collapsing on top of Spencer because he isn't done. He can barely think, he knows if he tried to open his eyes he'd barely be able to see straight, but he knows. He knows what he still needs to do.

"Spencer," he breathes and he's still in this bent over position, his lips on Spencer's chest, his back curved. He's still hard enough that he can roll his hips again, wanting to push deeper, wanting to press himself against that place inside his husband's body that he knows drives him crazy. And his hand is still moving, squeezing Spencer's cock, stroking him, his thumb passing over the head of his dick and smearing pre-come across his skin. His muscles are trembling and he feels absolutely wrung out, but he wants Spencer to come. He wants to feel it in the tightening of his muscles and in the way he spills into Joel's hand and then he wants to spend the rest of the evening pressing his lips and dragging his tongue over every last inch of Spencer's body.

"Come for me," he whispers and it sends a shiver through him. Sometimes he manages to say something and it's nothing compared to what Spencer can say, but it pleases him all the same. He feels a weird sense of pride, the knowledge that this is something he'll only ever be able to say to his husband, something private and important between the two of them. "Come on, Spencer, let me make you come."

He's surprised he can still speak, the aftershocks of his own orgasm still rippling through him, but maybe it shouldn't come as such a shock. Not when this entire day has been about Spencer, not when the only thing Joel has wanted to do from the moment he woke up this morning was make sure his husband was happy. In every last way he possibly can, that's what he's going to do. This isn't the end of that, it isn't even close.

His legs are unsteady from trying to plant his feet on solid ground so he can lift his hips to meet each thrust, and Spencer's thoughts are all over the place from thinking that whoever makes these bouncy castles really ought to do something about this flooring to realizing that that would absolutely defeat the purpose of a bouncy castle to remembering that he probably shouldn't have any of that on his mind when his husband has just come inside him. He can't help the way Joel makes him such a mess, though, he really can't, and he has half a mind to remind his husband just how much he's at fault for that later but for right now, he supposes he can't put all of that aside to refocus his attention on letting Joel make him feel as incredible as he always does.

Hearing his husband says those words is ultimately his greatest undoing. Sometimes, Joel's attempts at talking dirty are more adorable than anything else because it's often accompanied with flushed cheeks even though both of them know there's nothing to be embarrassed about when they speak that way. For Spencer, it'd come surprisingly easily, and he still doesn't know why because it's not as if he'd ever had practice. The one person he'd slept with before Joel hadn't seemed interested in hearing what he had to say at all and so, their awkward prom night encounter had been spent mostly in silence, aside from the grunts and gasps that had filled the room until they'd both come.

Until the first time he and Joel had been intimate, Spencer hadn't for a second thought that having sex could be as good as this. It'd taken the right person, at least for him, and he knows that many people simply enjoy having sex in general, it doesn't have to be with one person in particular; but Spencer knows the only reason he loves falling into bed so much now is because he and Joel know each other so well. They've mapped out each other's bodies over time, learned every last inch of each other, they know all the right places to touch and lick and tease, and Spencer can't imagine not wanting that out of someone he shares a bed with. He makes no judgments on anyone else's preferences, though hearing about them might make him cringe by virtue of the fact that he's not interested in hearing about anyone's sex life but his own, but at the end of the day, he knows that this works so well because he and Joel fit together to perfectly. It's like Joel had been made for him, made to fit inside him, and Spencer knows that's a silly notion, but he's sure of it all the same.

He can feel it now, with Joel still pumping into him and stroking his cock in time, he can feel his orgasm building in his belly, desperate to be released. It doesn't take long, especially not when Joel says that in such a deep, husky tone--let me make you come and god, he sometimes still can't believe he has a husband so incredibly perfect and gorgeous and sexy all at once and all the time--and with a shout, he's coming, spilling into Joel's hand for what seems like forever until his hips stop bucking and his body stops trembling and all he wants is for Joel to wrap him in his arms and never let go.

Trying to form words right now is impossible, which is unusual considering he nearly always has something to say right after he and Joel have reached their orgasms, but he's still reeling from the aftershocks of being fucked so thoroughly in this castle that Spencer dazedly lets the thought cross his mind that he might very well never be able to speak again. It's almost too much to handle, knowing that this is how he's spending a day that's been so utterly awful to him in the past, and he wonders if maybe he should feel a bit guilty for allowing himself to find such happiness and contentment today but then again, he knows his family wouldn't want him to feel that way in the first place. His mother and brother would want him to let his husband spoil him, treat him with the kindness and love that wouldn't be out of place, and Spencer weakly tugs at Joel's arm to encourage him to lie at his side so he can shift to rest his head on his chest.

He can feel the come that had spilled onto his stomach sliding down his side and onto the canvas beneath him and after a beat of silence, Spencer can't help but laugh at how horrified the men who return to collect the castle will be if they see come on the mat and smell the heavy musk of sex that's filling the air right now. But by then, he and Joel will be continuing their contained celebration of this day inside, not worrying about anything else because Spencer knows he has no regrets about this. Making love in a bouncy castle hadn't exactly been on his bucket list but now that they've done it, there's absolutely no chance that he'd say he wishes he hadn't.

"You know I appreciate all that you do for me, don't you?" he asks softly once he's found his voice again, dragging his fingers through the hair on his husband's chest as he tilts his head up to see Joel's expression. "You make me feel so loved, and it's-- It's the greatest gift anyone's ever given me."

Watching Spencer come is, without a doubt, the most incredible thing Joel has ever seen. The way the muscles in his body tighten, the expressions that chase across his features, how incredibly happy and pleased and beautiful he looks, it's all more than Joel would have thought he'd be capable of handling, but he can never look away. It's the sort of thing he never wants to miss, he always wants to be able to see the way Spencer's face looks and Joel doesn't think he's exceptionally talented, it isn't like he's had a lot of experience to go on, but when he's with Spencer everything just seems to fall into place. He never has to worry about experience or whether he's doing things properly because the way Spencer looks at him is always more than enough to reassure him. They're both so expressive with each other and he knows he's lucky to have found something like this, he knows people wait lifetimes for a connection this strong and Joel hadn't even been looking. At the time he hadn't even cared. Finding someone to love and spend his life with had been the last thing he'd ever given much thought to and somehow without even trying, without giving it any consideration, without ever thinking it could be for him, he'd still been lucky enough that it found him.

Because Spencer did find him. He saw him that day with the Hydra, then he invited him into his home when there was no reason for him to bother. Joel had been skulking outside, being incredibly creepy, and Spencer had seen him and had not only invited him in, but shared a bottle of whiskey with him. Shared memories. Shared his aura. No one has ever done anything like that for Joel before and the more he's thought about it over the past ten months, the more he's realized that Spencer really did discover him. He reached out and offered a hand and he had done it in a way that Joel hadn't been afraid of. The only thing he could possibly do in was reach out in return and take it.

Through all the fear and the nerves and the uncertainty, he hasn't regretted that. Not for one single moment. This is where he's supposed to be. All the decisions they've made together have been the right ones.

He groans as he shifts to the side, pulling out of Spencer, and as always he hates that feeling in the moment after. He misses being inside Spencer like that even though he knows it isn't possible for them to just exist in such a state. But he's never felt most at home as he does when he and Spencer are together in such a way and he misses it when it's suddenly gone. This is nice, too, and he pulls Spencer closer, heedless of the sweat drying on their skin, the semen he can feel sliding off Spencer and onto the floor of the bouncy castle, because none of that matters. Being close to Spencer is the only thing he ever wants and it doesn't change now that their skin is sticky and damp. It will never change. This is where he belongs.

When Spencer speaks, Joel tilts his head down just slightly so he can see him, and he smiles, bright and unguarded. He really doesn't feel like he does anything out of the ordinary, because he only ever wants Spencer to feel loved and happy, and that seems to be easy enough when he is so completely loved. The things Joel does for him over the course of any given day are things he wants to do. Not because he expects praise or anything in return, but because seeing Spencer smile is honestly the most wonderful things he's ever been gifted with. When Spencer looks at him and looks happy because of something he's done, Joel feels more pleased and accomplished than he ever has at any other point in his life. That smile is really the only thing he could ever need in return and he doesn't even know how to say that, so he just shrugs helplessly, still grinning down at Spencer.

"I just want you to be happy," he says finally and he's not quite squirming because he isn't embarrassed, but he does feel sort of pleased with himself. With the both of them and their life. There's nothing at all wrong with this and if Spencer is happy, then he's happy. There's really no question. Joel is easy to please, for a long time he had thought that he wouldn't need much more than a collection of books to keep him happy for the rest of his life, but having Spencer around, having him there with him even if it's just sitting side by side without speaking, it makes everything better. Every last moment of his life is improved by having Spencer there with him and if Joel can just make him happy in return, then he'll consider himself a success.

The moments after he comes are always some of the most blissful because when the environment allows for it, they're often able to simply lie together in a hot, heavy silence with Joel still inside him as they smile lovingly at each other, both trying to catch their breaths. It's a bit more difficult to stay that way here, on the unsteady floor of a bouncy castle, but even when Joel slips out of him--an action that is followed accordingly by distressed moans sounding from deep within both their throats--Spencer can't imagine that they could have spent this day any better.

All he could have asked for is already right beside him. Joel could have done absolutely nothing today, and Spencer still would have been happy to know that at least his birthday would be spent with someone he loves so wholly; but his husband has always gone above and beyond for him, and Spencer knows he always will. It's a strange thing, to know that he is someone's priority, a first choice, because he's certainly never been that for anybody outside of his family before. He lets that just sink in for a bit, the knowledge that there is one person in this world who would do absolutely anything for him, and he has to swallow hard to hold back the choked sob that threatens to burst from his throat because there's no better feeling that he's found yet.

He is loved, and he knows it. No games, no guessing, Spencer is loved and never could there be a doubt.

"I've been happy for two hundred and ninety-seven days," he answers, pressing a kiss to Joel's shoulder as he rests a hand on his chest, fingers brushing gently through the hair beneath them, and lets out a content sigh. There'd admittedly been some bumps on the road to that happiness, but Spencer's life had changed for the better the day he'd met Joel. They remind each other of that often, how different they are because of each other without either of them asking for change, but it's something worth remembering regularly. It's something worth saying out loud when they can because acknowledging that only reinforces how right they are for each other. Not a moment goes by that Spencer doesn't understand how lucky he is to have this man in his life, someone who wants him beyond the physicality of their relationship.

Joel doesn't just go through the motions when they're together, he doesn't smile and nod for the sake of smiling and nodding when Spencer speaks. He's a good man to all who deserve it but where some might find Spencer too stand-offish or too quiet or too awkward, Joel has always known exactly how to treat him--like someone worthy of his time and effort. That had made all the difference, realizing that Joel's interest in him hadn't been fleeting, and Spencer hadn't had any experience with relationships before but perhaps that had made it that much easier to figure out that this would always be the real thing. Spencer isn't the type to fall easily in love, or even fall in love at all, but it had happened with Joel and for good reason. They're perfect for each other, made for each other, as silly of a romantic notion as that may be. At this point, Spencer can really just accept it as truth.

He's still a bit breathless as he nudges his nose against Joel's neck with a grin. "Are you going to sing me happy birthday?" he asks, huffing a short, amused laugh at the thought of his husband doing just that with just the two of them here, panting and still recovering from their orgasms in the heat of the castle. "Or do I have to wait until cake time? Because so help me god, I'm getting my song either way."

Joel huffs out a soft laugh at that and while there is cake waiting for them inside, a fluffy angel food cake ready to be layered with whipped cream Joel has made from scratch and fresh fruit he'd picked up that very moment, there's something about the way Spencer asks for a song that he can't really deny. And while he loves music as much as he loves books, Joel has never been much of a singer, but he doesn't care. The only person in the world who isn't going to tease him because his voice is rough or uneven is the one lying beside him. The only person in the world he's ever been this comfortable this, this complete is the one he's married and there's nothing Spencer could ask of him that would truly embarrass him enough to not go through with. He thinks he'd more than proven that point when he'd worn the absurd Halloween costume Spencer had brought home for him.

But he clears his throat and tilts his head so he's resting his cheek against Spencer's hair and starts to sing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you." And as he's singing he realizes he can't remember the last time he's done this. It had likely been for Charlotte, he thinks, at one of her parties they'd had years ago. While he's called or e-mailed his sister every year they've lived apart, the last time he had been at one of her birthdays had been her tenth and if he thinks back, that's probably the last time he's sung to anyone. It doesn't surprise him that Spencer is the one who's changing everything. He's actually changed every last part of Joel's life and this is just one more example of how his presence here has given Joel a chance to do things again. It's such a small thing, but it's meaningful at the same time.

When he finishes singing, he laughs again, still resting his cheek against the top of Spencer's head. "There is cake inside. Dinner and gifts, too." But he doesn't want to move. The sun has begun to set, dropping behind the house and the light is changing inside the castle, thrown into deeper reds and oranges, shadows stretching across the material. They have a few hours yet before full dark, but he finds himself wondering what it might be like out here once the sun has gone down completely. How quiet and peaceful and secluded it might be. Maybe he can call and have the company come back for it tomorrow. Maybe they can keep it for just a little while longer.

They're going to have to make a run for it at some point, though. He's far too sticky to put his clothes back on and he thinks about the two of them bolting naked across the yard and finds himself laughing harder still. Living alone with Spencer has proven to be as incredible as he'd hoped it would and he does miss Raleigh now and then, but he thinks it's better for all of them this way. She has her own space, privacy for herself, and they have the same. Running naked across the yard isn't the end of the world, but he knows it would be next to impossible with Raleigh still living with them.

"We're going to have to get back to the house, you know," he says to explain why he's laughing. "And I don't think I'm going to want to put my jeans back on like this. I desperately need a shower before I get dressed again."

Having let his eyes slip shut with a soft, dreamy smile on his face as Joel sings him his birthday, it takes Spencer a moment to catch up to the fact that his husband can't seem to stop laughing. A chuckle bubbles in his throat as he blinks an eye open, smile growing wider at the image his mind conjures of the two of them running with their damp clothes under one arm and their other hands clasped together as they disappear back into the house. The neighbors could be out right now, and they aren't necessarily nosy--the one perk of having once been accused of murder, apparently, is warding off unwelcome visitors--that doesn't mean that they might not be out in their yards to enjoy the sunset.

"Well, I have quite a few hours before my day ends," Spencer answers, "maybe walking around naked with you is something I want." It isn't, at least not where others can see them because while he very thoroughly enjoys getting to see his husband without his clothes on regularly, it makes Spencer's stomach turn a bit to think of anyone else sharing the view. His own body, bared like this, is for Joel's eyes only and that's never going to change. He knows the same is true of his husband, and he lets his hand slide slowly down from Joel's chest, fingertips just barely brushing over skin until they circle around his navel and over his hipbones.

"Strike that, I think staying here really is the better idea. Maybe we should forego the shower altogether and sleep in here instead. And by sleep, I mean you can make love to me for the rest of the night with a few naps in between to recharge, doesn't that sound nice?"

He's being facetious, of course, though if Joel were to decide he wanted to agree to such a plan, Spencer certainly wouldn't try to back out of it. There are few pleasures he loves more in this world than the feeling of having Joel inside of him, filling him so perfectly and completely, and his body is exhausted from his climax but even so, he can feel his cock twitch at the mere thought of having his husband deliver even more birthday orgasms to him tonight.

Spencer pauses then, lifting his chin up just slightly as if he can see the house through the castle, and sighs. "I do want my cake, though. You've left me with the burden of making quite a few difficult choices." He lets out a grunt as he hoists himself upward with his palm, nearly falling back over on the unsteady floor but managing to catch himself so that he can swing one leg over Joel's hip until he's straddling his husband with a mischievous grin. There's no way they'll be able to have sex again so soon but that's not his aim right now, despite the fact that the way Joel's cock is brushing against his sends a tingle straight down his spine.

For a moment, they just remain this way in silence, their eyes trailing over each other's bodies in admiration and affection, and Spencer leans down to leave a trail of kisses along Joel's collarbone. "I am so in love with you," he murmurs, and it isn't new information by any means, but he likes saying it as much as he likes hearing it, so he hopes that Joel feels the same way. He stretches out over Joel, moaning contently as he presses his ear against his husband's chest to hear that steady heartbeat beneath him. "I wouldn't have been to get through this day without you. The past couple years were-- Well, they were more difficult than anything I've ever experienced but then there's you, and it's suddenly like this day doesn't suffocate me anymore."

It still hurts, of course it does, Spencer doesn't think that will every truly go away; but at least now, he can say he has someone he loves to makes the hard times a little easier, a little happier. "Besides," he adds, pushing himself back up with a wider smile. "You're the first person since my family died to make me a birthday cake, so I can't very well let that go ignored, can I?"

When Spencer leans down, his head against his chest, Joel buries his fingers in his hair, not holding him down, but holding onto him. Just enjoying the moment, the silence settling over them and the yard. The crickets and the frogs are going to start up soon, but for now it's just the two of them lying together, Spencer's warm body stretched out on top of his and he can feel that he might not be all that far off from growing aroused again, not if Spencer keeps this up. He doesn't even have to do anything out of the ordinary, he can just be close enough to Joel or look at him in the right way, and he can feel little tingles of pleasure spiking inside him. The trail of fingers against his skin, even just a smile, it's been a bit of a surprise for Joel to discover just how simple it is for Spencer to turn him on. He's never been this way with anyone else, he's never had such a deep, easy connection, something that just happens to him in a way he'll never be able to explain. It isn't just physiology, there's so much more to it than wanting to have sex, and he doesn't care if there are people out there who would roll their eyes. He doesn't care that some might think it's stupid just how desperately Joel has needed a serious emotional connection, too. He doesn't care about any of that, because the only thing that matters is that he found that connection with the man currently straddling his hips.

And there's nowhere else Joel would rather be. Today or any of the other days stretching out in front of them, their future limitless and full of possibility. The only person he wants to be with on any one of those days is Spencer. There's no one else in the world who'll be able to do these things to him, and Joel finds himself smiling softly, his fingers still combing through Spencer's hair before his husband sits up. It shouldn't shock him anymore, how much he loves this man, how incredible he finds him to look at, but Spencer sits up and he's smiling and the things he's said have sunk into Joel, warming him all the way through, making him feel good and wanted. Making him feel things he's really only ever felt with Spencer and he smiles back, sliding his hands up from Spencer's knees, over his thighs to finally grip his hips gently. He wants to say he'll do this every year, he'll find some way to make his birthday better and brighter, while never forgetting his family either. He wants to promise that he'll acknowledge how hard it is without denying Spencer to right to be happy, but he doesn't know if he can speak so he only shakes his head. They can't forget the cake, but they can take their time.

He sits up then as well, sliding his arms around Spencer, his hands resting against the small of his back as he leans forward and presses his forehead against the curve of Spencer's throat. He smells like sweat and sex and still a scent that's so distinct to him that Joel knows he'll never be able to mistake it for anything else. The idea of being able to identify someone by the way they smell would have once seemed so strange to him and it isn't something he notices until moments like these, when he's pressed as close to Spencer as he possibly can be, when there's nothing between them, when they've been intimate in ways he'll never be with anyone else ever again.

"I'll always be here," he promises, his voice soft. "Not just on your birthday, but every day." They both still have other responsibilities, but it's been so easy for Joel to just let this part of his life happen. It's opened him up to so much more and he knows he and Spencer spend more time around each other than they do anyone else, he knows they work together and go home together, sleep together at night and wake up together in the morning. He knows for a lot of people that would be too much, but it works for them. Not only does it work, but it's opened Joel up to other people in a way he never has been before. Being with Spencer, being this close to Spencer, having that support, it's given him the courage to let others in, and so while they still spend most of their time together, it's made Joel a much more open and social person than he's ever been before.

He pulls back after a moment, still smiling, and lifts one hand to brush some of Spencer's hair back. "It is really good cake, though, if I do say so myself." He hasn't often had the chance to do much baking within the last year, having Raleigh around to take care of it for them, but he likes doing it and he's glad he's been able to at least do this for Spencer's birthday. He isn't in any rush to start feeding his friends, but this is special and it's important. Of course, he'll always go out of his way for Spencer. They don't need a birthday or a holiday for that. Joel will go out of his way for Spencer simply because it's Wednesday, and he knows that will never stop either. He wants to be the sort of husband who never lets Spencer forget that he's loved. He wants him to feel that every single day.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[closed - Spencer - March 9]

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