Joel Waters-Baker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
just_another) wrote2015-03-16 08:45 pm
just_another) wrote2015-03-16 08:45 pm
[closed - Spencer - March 9]
Joel knows this isn't a good day for Spencer. He knows it's not just his husband's birthday, he knows the other, much darker memories this day holds for Spencer and he's spent the better part of a month trying to figure out a way to both give his husband a special day and not disrespect the memory of what has happened to him.
He truly has no idea if he's done a good job or if he's really just made a mess of things.
But Spencer had told him that if he decided he didn't want anything, he would say something. If he decided it was too much for him in any way, he would only have to tell Joel and everything would be returned to exactly how it has been before. Any plans Joel made could be cancelled and he would never want to do anything that would make Spencer even a little bit uncomfortable or unhappy.
But Spencer hasn't said anything. And so Joel not only has gifts, he has a cake he baked waiting -- complete with little books drawn in icing, the other edges of the cake a delicate red that makes him think of the red thread -- and a bouncy castle.
The latter had been difficult to get into the yard without Spencer noticing, but Joel knows he hadn't slept well the night before, so ten minutes before the delivery men were set to arrive, he put Spencer to bed, insisting he close his eyes and rest for just a few minutes.
That has been half an hour ago and now there is a fully inflated bouncy castle -- designed for adults to bounce in -- set up in the back yard.
Joel is standing several feet from it, staring at it with a bemused expression. He can't remember the context in which this has come up, although he's sure Spencer does, and it looks funny and a little out of place in their yard.
But he's glad he's done it all the same. Spencer deserves something good for his birthday. He deserves to make new, happy memories.
He truly has no idea if he's done a good job or if he's really just made a mess of things.
But Spencer had told him that if he decided he didn't want anything, he would say something. If he decided it was too much for him in any way, he would only have to tell Joel and everything would be returned to exactly how it has been before. Any plans Joel made could be cancelled and he would never want to do anything that would make Spencer even a little bit uncomfortable or unhappy.
But Spencer hasn't said anything. And so Joel not only has gifts, he has a cake he baked waiting -- complete with little books drawn in icing, the other edges of the cake a delicate red that makes him think of the red thread -- and a bouncy castle.
The latter had been difficult to get into the yard without Spencer noticing, but Joel knows he hadn't slept well the night before, so ten minutes before the delivery men were set to arrive, he put Spencer to bed, insisting he close his eyes and rest for just a few minutes.
That has been half an hour ago and now there is a fully inflated bouncy castle -- designed for adults to bounce in -- set up in the back yard.
Joel is standing several feet from it, staring at it with a bemused expression. He can't remember the context in which this has come up, although he's sure Spencer does, and it looks funny and a little out of place in their yard.
But he's glad he's done it all the same. Spencer deserves something good for his birthday. He deserves to make new, happy memories.
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He reaches out to gently wrap his arms around Joel's waist, letting his hands travel downward over his husband's ass, fingertips drifting over the skin before dragging up his spine. All he ever wants throughout any given day is to be touching Joel, to have his hands all over him and know with absolute certainty that nobody else gets to see this, gets to have this. This relationship has never been primarily about the sex, they'd waited so much longer than most couples seem to these days to fall into bed together but even when they had, it hadn't been purely carnal. Spencer had wanted Joel for quite some time at that point, had thought about getting Joel naked and taking him in his mouth more and more as they'd spent more time together, but their love doesn't rely on how often they make each other come.
The reason they work so well intimately is because of the love they share, because of how often they're on the same page in the other aspects of their life, and Spencer has never found one person to be so agreeable in every possible way. On paper, Joel sounds like the kind of man who can't exist in reality, the kind of man Spencer could never hope to find a lover or a best friend in, but here they are. Joel's buried inside him, both of them gazing at each other as if the rest of the world has faded away, and Spencer supposes that in many ways, it has.
When they're like this, when they get to bare their bodies and souls to each other before making love, Spencer can let himself forget about everything else. His focus is on his husband, on the way Joel makes him feel physically and emotionally, on how alive he is now that he's found a reason to be just that. He rolls his hips in time with Joel's, starting a steady rhythm as he lets out a long moan, punctuated every so often with a short gasp each time Joel pushes into him again, and it's a little difficult with such an unsteady floor but they make it work. Just like everything else in their lives, they make it work.
"Joel," he murmurs, leaning his head back and baring his throat as his jaw drops in ecstasy, eyes squeezed shut even though he wants nothing more than to watch the expression on Joel's face change. It's a beautiful thing to witness, to see that look of concentration shift into something so free once Joel reaches his release, but they have time for that yet. Spencer has learned the signs of when Joel will come and maybe for some people, that would get boring but for him, it's just knowing that he's done something right. They have a healthy sex life, sometimes even an experimental one, and not once has he made Joel come only to wish that they'd done something different.
This is his paradise, right here, just having the opportunity to be with a man like this, and he wouldn't change it for the world.
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But no matter what they do, no matter how much Joel loves every single way in which they've made love, being able to see Spencer is always his favourite thing. He'd thought about it, about finding a full length mirror for their bedroom, something that seems innocuous enough, but can be moved when necessary, so he can see Spencer when he's behind him. So he can watch the way Spencer's expressions change when Joel grabs him by the hips and drags him back onto his cock. It's his favourite thing, just seeing the way he makes Spencer feel, and maybe it's a little silly, but he takes a strange sense of pride in making his husband feel good. If that's all he does for the rest of his life, if making Spencer feel good in every possible way becomes the only goal he has, he thinks he would die a very happy man.
And when he thinks about their first time, he remembers how much more difficult it had been for him to say the things he'd wanted to say. It hadn't been out of embarrassment, because right from the beginning, nothing about being with Spencer had been embarrassing. Neither of them had an extensive list of experience and that was okay, they'd learned from each other instead, they'd mapped their bodies and experimented and found the right ways in which to move. But for as much trouble as Joel has now telling Spencer how much he wants him, how beautiful he is, that first time had been so much more difficult and he smiles a little at that. It's just one more thing Spencer has been teaching him. How to say what he feels, how to be honest, how to make the words come when it feels like they might not. He's never been particularly good at expressing himself when it comes to the more personal, emotional topics, but he's so much better at it now than he's ever been before and Spencer's the only person who can claim any credit over that. He's the only person in the world Joel would ever try so hard for.
"You're so beautiful," he murmurs as his hips drive forward again. Spencer's body has relaxed around him and he can move easier now, rolling his hips, thrusting deeper into him, feeling the way his body clenches tight and hot around Joel's cock. They know each other so well and Joel wonders at the people who find such things boring. Getting to learn Spencer's body has been the most wonderful gift he's ever been given and now, nearly a year later, getting to use that expertise almost every day is something he knows he'll never be able to give up. Even if all that manage is a quick kiss before they open the store, Joel does his best to make it count, to make it something he knows will leave Spencer just a little bit dazed and that's come to him with time, with learning what Spencer likes best, and with remembering every last little detail, every touch that has ever made Spencer moan.
"You're just so beautiful," he says again, shifting on the unsteady floor, his elbow resting beside Spencer's body, the fingers of his other hand closed tight around his hip. It's only a moment, though, before he slips his hand between their bodies and seeks out the warmth of Spencer's cock. He's hard and heavy in Joel's hand and as he thrusts deeper into his husband, his fingers wrap tighter around his cock, stroking him in time.
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Everything about his life had changed the moment he'd met Joel, not only in the bigger ways like his sex life or the way he responds to people when they come calling now, but in the finer details, too. A glass of whiskey is shared rather than taken alone, dinner isn't delivery but home-cooked, and when he settles down for bed with a book at night, there's a strong chest beside him that serves as much better pillow than his own. There's no denying that his husband has changed him, and he doesn't think anyone who'd known him even remotely well before he'd met Joel would disagree; but at the same time, Spencer still feels like himself, but in a way that he's more happy to embrace and accept.
He's never been especially insecure, he hasn't spent a great deal of time wondering or even really caring what others think of him. The only time that had been an issue of concern had been at the peak of the frenzy that had followed his family's deaths because it's hard to ignore threats and harassment and unbridled hatred when he's simply walking down the street. But even the pain of those memories, of having people spit in his direction or look at him as if they truly could believe he'd been responsible for killing his own mother and brother, has faded because the love of his life goes to such great lengths to make Spencer feel like this world isn't the awful place he'd once believed it to be. He doesn't look in the mirror and see a pallid complexion or excessively heavy bags under his eyes anymore; he sees someone who is genuinely happy with his life, who has gained a sense of optimism for his future, and it makes him smile like nothing else. Joel always brings that out of him, the smile that he wouldn't be able to muster for anyone who isn't his husband, and it makes its way across his features now.
"Love you," he manages to gasp after a particularly well-placed thrust, his hips rolling with pleasure and the desire for more. His cock feels like its throbbing in Joel's hand, and the floor of the bouncy castle is making it awfully difficult to keep himself steady but it doesn't matter because Joel keeps moving, keeps fucking him, and Spencer is desperate to come already but wishes this could go on forever. This is an incredible gift Joel has given him, and it's not just that they're making love, it's everything. He's never had sex on his birthday, has never been presented with the chance to, though he suspects he wouldn't have taken it even if he did.
It's not that he'd viewed sex as especially valuable or meaningful, certainly not after his prom night encounter that had left him feeling so exposed and vulnerable after Darcy had run off to join a party as if they'd never fallen into bed together at all. But then he'd discovered what had been lacking for him after he and Joel had first made love, and it'd been the connection he hadn't even known he'd wanted. His entire adult life had consisted of almost friendships, of almost getting close to people he likes but could never quite connect with until that one day in May when his entire world had shifted.
He's married now, an expecting father, and on his birthday, his husband is pumping in and out of him inside an adult bouncy castle that's been set up in the backyard where his family had been killed. It's all absurd, every last bit of it, because his life has been so full of tragedy that to be countered with such joy almost seems wrong because so few people get a chance to feel like their pasts can stop defining them. Joel has never looked at him like a man who's been accused of murder, there's never been a moment of quizzical study as he'd considered whether or not Spencer had done it. His husband simply loves him for who he is, would believe anything Spencer says, which is exactly why he will never take advantage of that.
"God," he groans, eyes flying open and widening as the sound of skin against skin starts to echo against the castle walls. "God, Joel, please. Please, I'm getting close, I want to feel you first. I want-- I want--" He's rambling, he knows he is, he barely even knows what he's saying anymore because he can feel the tinglings of bliss starting up in his belly, but it doesn't matter. He knows Joel will understand him because he always does. "You're so perfect, baby, I love you so much."
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And so when Spencer tells him to come first, that he wants to feel him, it doesn't surprise Joel even in the slightest that his body responds almost instantly. He can feel it, heat and little sparks of pleasure coiling low in his belly, like a tightening ring squeezing down the length of his spine. He's breathless, panting heavily, his hair hanging in his eyes and he doesn't know the last time it's been this long, but he loves when Spencer buries his fingers in his curls, when he guides Joel, when he tugs and pulls, sometimes hard enough to sting, and so he's left it. He'll do whatever Spencer seems to like best, but in this instance, he's left it because of his good it feels when his husband's fingers are wound through his hair, holding onto him with the sort of desperation Joel to proud to know he can cause.
But Spencer tells him to come and it's the only thing Joel wants. His hand is still moving over Spencer's cock, his fingers slick with sweat, and he's sticky and warm, beads of sweat rolling down his back, one dripping off the end of his nose to land on Spencer's chest and Joel groans as he ducks down, almost as it chasing it. His tongue swipes over Spencer's skin, sliding across his nipple, tasting the salt of them both all over him, and then he's coming, like a whipcrack, sudden and hard, his back arching. The sound of his groans is too loud, he knows it but he can't stop himself as his hips drive forward again, as he buries himself as deep as he can inside Spencer's body, his cock twitching. His knee slips on the material of the castle and he braces himself harder on his elbow to keep himself from just collapsing on top of Spencer because he isn't done. He can barely think, he knows if he tried to open his eyes he'd barely be able to see straight, but he knows. He knows what he still needs to do.
"Spencer," he breathes and he's still in this bent over position, his lips on Spencer's chest, his back curved. He's still hard enough that he can roll his hips again, wanting to push deeper, wanting to press himself against that place inside his husband's body that he knows drives him crazy. And his hand is still moving, squeezing Spencer's cock, stroking him, his thumb passing over the head of his dick and smearing pre-come across his skin. His muscles are trembling and he feels absolutely wrung out, but he wants Spencer to come. He wants to feel it in the tightening of his muscles and in the way he spills into Joel's hand and then he wants to spend the rest of the evening pressing his lips and dragging his tongue over every last inch of Spencer's body.
"Come for me," he whispers and it sends a shiver through him. Sometimes he manages to say something and it's nothing compared to what Spencer can say, but it pleases him all the same. He feels a weird sense of pride, the knowledge that this is something he'll only ever be able to say to his husband, something private and important between the two of them. "Come on, Spencer, let me make you come."
He's surprised he can still speak, the aftershocks of his own orgasm still rippling through him, but maybe it shouldn't come as such a shock. Not when this entire day has been about Spencer, not when the only thing Joel has wanted to do from the moment he woke up this morning was make sure his husband was happy. In every last way he possibly can, that's what he's going to do. This isn't the end of that, it isn't even close.
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Hearing his husband says those words is ultimately his greatest undoing. Sometimes, Joel's attempts at talking dirty are more adorable than anything else because it's often accompanied with flushed cheeks even though both of them know there's nothing to be embarrassed about when they speak that way. For Spencer, it'd come surprisingly easily, and he still doesn't know why because it's not as if he'd ever had practice. The one person he'd slept with before Joel hadn't seemed interested in hearing what he had to say at all and so, their awkward prom night encounter had been spent mostly in silence, aside from the grunts and gasps that had filled the room until they'd both come.
Until the first time he and Joel had been intimate, Spencer hadn't for a second thought that having sex could be as good as this. It'd taken the right person, at least for him, and he knows that many people simply enjoy having sex in general, it doesn't have to be with one person in particular; but Spencer knows the only reason he loves falling into bed so much now is because he and Joel know each other so well. They've mapped out each other's bodies over time, learned every last inch of each other, they know all the right places to touch and lick and tease, and Spencer can't imagine not wanting that out of someone he shares a bed with. He makes no judgments on anyone else's preferences, though hearing about them might make him cringe by virtue of the fact that he's not interested in hearing about anyone's sex life but his own, but at the end of the day, he knows that this works so well because he and Joel fit together to perfectly. It's like Joel had been made for him, made to fit inside him, and Spencer knows that's a silly notion, but he's sure of it all the same.
He can feel it now, with Joel still pumping into him and stroking his cock in time, he can feel his orgasm building in his belly, desperate to be released. It doesn't take long, especially not when Joel says that in such a deep, husky tone--let me make you come and god, he sometimes still can't believe he has a husband so incredibly perfect and gorgeous and sexy all at once and all the time--and with a shout, he's coming, spilling into Joel's hand for what seems like forever until his hips stop bucking and his body stops trembling and all he wants is for Joel to wrap him in his arms and never let go.
Trying to form words right now is impossible, which is unusual considering he nearly always has something to say right after he and Joel have reached their orgasms, but he's still reeling from the aftershocks of being fucked so thoroughly in this castle that Spencer dazedly lets the thought cross his mind that he might very well never be able to speak again. It's almost too much to handle, knowing that this is how he's spending a day that's been so utterly awful to him in the past, and he wonders if maybe he should feel a bit guilty for allowing himself to find such happiness and contentment today but then again, he knows his family wouldn't want him to feel that way in the first place. His mother and brother would want him to let his husband spoil him, treat him with the kindness and love that wouldn't be out of place, and Spencer weakly tugs at Joel's arm to encourage him to lie at his side so he can shift to rest his head on his chest.
He can feel the come that had spilled onto his stomach sliding down his side and onto the canvas beneath him and after a beat of silence, Spencer can't help but laugh at how horrified the men who return to collect the castle will be if they see come on the mat and smell the heavy musk of sex that's filling the air right now. But by then, he and Joel will be continuing their contained celebration of this day inside, not worrying about anything else because Spencer knows he has no regrets about this. Making love in a bouncy castle hadn't exactly been on his bucket list but now that they've done it, there's absolutely no chance that he'd say he wishes he hadn't.
"You know I appreciate all that you do for me, don't you?" he asks softly once he's found his voice again, dragging his fingers through the hair on his husband's chest as he tilts his head up to see Joel's expression. "You make me feel so loved, and it's-- It's the greatest gift anyone's ever given me."
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Because Spencer did find him. He saw him that day with the Hydra, then he invited him into his home when there was no reason for him to bother. Joel had been skulking outside, being incredibly creepy, and Spencer had seen him and had not only invited him in, but shared a bottle of whiskey with him. Shared memories. Shared his aura. No one has ever done anything like that for Joel before and the more he's thought about it over the past ten months, the more he's realized that Spencer really did discover him. He reached out and offered a hand and he had done it in a way that Joel hadn't been afraid of. The only thing he could possibly do in was reach out in return and take it.
Through all the fear and the nerves and the uncertainty, he hasn't regretted that. Not for one single moment. This is where he's supposed to be. All the decisions they've made together have been the right ones.
He groans as he shifts to the side, pulling out of Spencer, and as always he hates that feeling in the moment after. He misses being inside Spencer like that even though he knows it isn't possible for them to just exist in such a state. But he's never felt most at home as he does when he and Spencer are together in such a way and he misses it when it's suddenly gone. This is nice, too, and he pulls Spencer closer, heedless of the sweat drying on their skin, the semen he can feel sliding off Spencer and onto the floor of the bouncy castle, because none of that matters. Being close to Spencer is the only thing he ever wants and it doesn't change now that their skin is sticky and damp. It will never change. This is where he belongs.
When Spencer speaks, Joel tilts his head down just slightly so he can see him, and he smiles, bright and unguarded. He really doesn't feel like he does anything out of the ordinary, because he only ever wants Spencer to feel loved and happy, and that seems to be easy enough when he is so completely loved. The things Joel does for him over the course of any given day are things he wants to do. Not because he expects praise or anything in return, but because seeing Spencer smile is honestly the most wonderful things he's ever been gifted with. When Spencer looks at him and looks happy because of something he's done, Joel feels more pleased and accomplished than he ever has at any other point in his life. That smile is really the only thing he could ever need in return and he doesn't even know how to say that, so he just shrugs helplessly, still grinning down at Spencer.
"I just want you to be happy," he says finally and he's not quite squirming because he isn't embarrassed, but he does feel sort of pleased with himself. With the both of them and their life. There's nothing at all wrong with this and if Spencer is happy, then he's happy. There's really no question. Joel is easy to please, for a long time he had thought that he wouldn't need much more than a collection of books to keep him happy for the rest of his life, but having Spencer around, having him there with him even if it's just sitting side by side without speaking, it makes everything better. Every last moment of his life is improved by having Spencer there with him and if Joel can just make him happy in return, then he'll consider himself a success.
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All he could have asked for is already right beside him. Joel could have done absolutely nothing today, and Spencer still would have been happy to know that at least his birthday would be spent with someone he loves so wholly; but his husband has always gone above and beyond for him, and Spencer knows he always will. It's a strange thing, to know that he is someone's priority, a first choice, because he's certainly never been that for anybody outside of his family before. He lets that just sink in for a bit, the knowledge that there is one person in this world who would do absolutely anything for him, and he has to swallow hard to hold back the choked sob that threatens to burst from his throat because there's no better feeling that he's found yet.
He is loved, and he knows it. No games, no guessing, Spencer is loved and never could there be a doubt.
"I've been happy for two hundred and ninety-seven days," he answers, pressing a kiss to Joel's shoulder as he rests a hand on his chest, fingers brushing gently through the hair beneath them, and lets out a content sigh. There'd admittedly been some bumps on the road to that happiness, but Spencer's life had changed for the better the day he'd met Joel. They remind each other of that often, how different they are because of each other without either of them asking for change, but it's something worth remembering regularly. It's something worth saying out loud when they can because acknowledging that only reinforces how right they are for each other. Not a moment goes by that Spencer doesn't understand how lucky he is to have this man in his life, someone who wants him beyond the physicality of their relationship.
Joel doesn't just go through the motions when they're together, he doesn't smile and nod for the sake of smiling and nodding when Spencer speaks. He's a good man to all who deserve it but where some might find Spencer too stand-offish or too quiet or too awkward, Joel has always known exactly how to treat him--like someone worthy of his time and effort. That had made all the difference, realizing that Joel's interest in him hadn't been fleeting, and Spencer hadn't had any experience with relationships before but perhaps that had made it that much easier to figure out that this would always be the real thing. Spencer isn't the type to fall easily in love, or even fall in love at all, but it had happened with Joel and for good reason. They're perfect for each other, made for each other, as silly of a romantic notion as that may be. At this point, Spencer can really just accept it as truth.
He's still a bit breathless as he nudges his nose against Joel's neck with a grin. "Are you going to sing me happy birthday?" he asks, huffing a short, amused laugh at the thought of his husband doing just that with just the two of them here, panting and still recovering from their orgasms in the heat of the castle. "Or do I have to wait until cake time? Because so help me god, I'm getting my song either way."
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But he clears his throat and tilts his head so he's resting his cheek against Spencer's hair and starts to sing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you." And as he's singing he realizes he can't remember the last time he's done this. It had likely been for Charlotte, he thinks, at one of her parties they'd had years ago. While he's called or e-mailed his sister every year they've lived apart, the last time he had been at one of her birthdays had been her tenth and if he thinks back, that's probably the last time he's sung to anyone. It doesn't surprise him that Spencer is the one who's changing everything. He's actually changed every last part of Joel's life and this is just one more example of how his presence here has given Joel a chance to do things again. It's such a small thing, but it's meaningful at the same time.
When he finishes singing, he laughs again, still resting his cheek against the top of Spencer's head. "There is cake inside. Dinner and gifts, too." But he doesn't want to move. The sun has begun to set, dropping behind the house and the light is changing inside the castle, thrown into deeper reds and oranges, shadows stretching across the material. They have a few hours yet before full dark, but he finds himself wondering what it might be like out here once the sun has gone down completely. How quiet and peaceful and secluded it might be. Maybe he can call and have the company come back for it tomorrow. Maybe they can keep it for just a little while longer.
They're going to have to make a run for it at some point, though. He's far too sticky to put his clothes back on and he thinks about the two of them bolting naked across the yard and finds himself laughing harder still. Living alone with Spencer has proven to be as incredible as he'd hoped it would and he does miss Raleigh now and then, but he thinks it's better for all of them this way. She has her own space, privacy for herself, and they have the same. Running naked across the yard isn't the end of the world, but he knows it would be next to impossible with Raleigh still living with them.
"We're going to have to get back to the house, you know," he says to explain why he's laughing. "And I don't think I'm going to want to put my jeans back on like this. I desperately need a shower before I get dressed again."
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"Well, I have quite a few hours before my day ends," Spencer answers, "maybe walking around naked with you is something I want." It isn't, at least not where others can see them because while he very thoroughly enjoys getting to see his husband without his clothes on regularly, it makes Spencer's stomach turn a bit to think of anyone else sharing the view. His own body, bared like this, is for Joel's eyes only and that's never going to change. He knows the same is true of his husband, and he lets his hand slide slowly down from Joel's chest, fingertips just barely brushing over skin until they circle around his navel and over his hipbones.
"Strike that, I think staying here really is the better idea. Maybe we should forego the shower altogether and sleep in here instead. And by sleep, I mean you can make love to me for the rest of the night with a few naps in between to recharge, doesn't that sound nice?"
He's being facetious, of course, though if Joel were to decide he wanted to agree to such a plan, Spencer certainly wouldn't try to back out of it. There are few pleasures he loves more in this world than the feeling of having Joel inside of him, filling him so perfectly and completely, and his body is exhausted from his climax but even so, he can feel his cock twitch at the mere thought of having his husband deliver even more birthday orgasms to him tonight.
Spencer pauses then, lifting his chin up just slightly as if he can see the house through the castle, and sighs. "I do want my cake, though. You've left me with the burden of making quite a few difficult choices." He lets out a grunt as he hoists himself upward with his palm, nearly falling back over on the unsteady floor but managing to catch himself so that he can swing one leg over Joel's hip until he's straddling his husband with a mischievous grin. There's no way they'll be able to have sex again so soon but that's not his aim right now, despite the fact that the way Joel's cock is brushing against his sends a tingle straight down his spine.
For a moment, they just remain this way in silence, their eyes trailing over each other's bodies in admiration and affection, and Spencer leans down to leave a trail of kisses along Joel's collarbone. "I am so in love with you," he murmurs, and it isn't new information by any means, but he likes saying it as much as he likes hearing it, so he hopes that Joel feels the same way. He stretches out over Joel, moaning contently as he presses his ear against his husband's chest to hear that steady heartbeat beneath him. "I wouldn't have been to get through this day without you. The past couple years were-- Well, they were more difficult than anything I've ever experienced but then there's you, and it's suddenly like this day doesn't suffocate me anymore."
It still hurts, of course it does, Spencer doesn't think that will every truly go away; but at least now, he can say he has someone he loves to makes the hard times a little easier, a little happier. "Besides," he adds, pushing himself back up with a wider smile. "You're the first person since my family died to make me a birthday cake, so I can't very well let that go ignored, can I?"
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And there's nowhere else Joel would rather be. Today or any of the other days stretching out in front of them, their future limitless and full of possibility. The only person he wants to be with on any one of those days is Spencer. There's no one else in the world who'll be able to do these things to him, and Joel finds himself smiling softly, his fingers still combing through Spencer's hair before his husband sits up. It shouldn't shock him anymore, how much he loves this man, how incredible he finds him to look at, but Spencer sits up and he's smiling and the things he's said have sunk into Joel, warming him all the way through, making him feel good and wanted. Making him feel things he's really only ever felt with Spencer and he smiles back, sliding his hands up from Spencer's knees, over his thighs to finally grip his hips gently. He wants to say he'll do this every year, he'll find some way to make his birthday better and brighter, while never forgetting his family either. He wants to promise that he'll acknowledge how hard it is without denying Spencer to right to be happy, but he doesn't know if he can speak so he only shakes his head. They can't forget the cake, but they can take their time.
He sits up then as well, sliding his arms around Spencer, his hands resting against the small of his back as he leans forward and presses his forehead against the curve of Spencer's throat. He smells like sweat and sex and still a scent that's so distinct to him that Joel knows he'll never be able to mistake it for anything else. The idea of being able to identify someone by the way they smell would have once seemed so strange to him and it isn't something he notices until moments like these, when he's pressed as close to Spencer as he possibly can be, when there's nothing between them, when they've been intimate in ways he'll never be with anyone else ever again.
"I'll always be here," he promises, his voice soft. "Not just on your birthday, but every day." They both still have other responsibilities, but it's been so easy for Joel to just let this part of his life happen. It's opened him up to so much more and he knows he and Spencer spend more time around each other than they do anyone else, he knows they work together and go home together, sleep together at night and wake up together in the morning. He knows for a lot of people that would be too much, but it works for them. Not only does it work, but it's opened Joel up to other people in a way he never has been before. Being with Spencer, being this close to Spencer, having that support, it's given him the courage to let others in, and so while they still spend most of their time together, it's made Joel a much more open and social person than he's ever been before.
He pulls back after a moment, still smiling, and lifts one hand to brush some of Spencer's hair back. "It is really good cake, though, if I do say so myself." He hasn't often had the chance to do much baking within the last year, having Raleigh around to take care of it for them, but he likes doing it and he's glad he's been able to at least do this for Spencer's birthday. He isn't in any rush to start feeding his friends, but this is special and it's important. Of course, he'll always go out of his way for Spencer. They don't need a birthday or a holiday for that. Joel will go out of his way for Spencer simply because it's Wednesday, and he knows that will never stop either. He wants to be the sort of husband who never lets Spencer forget that he's loved. He wants him to feel that every single day.