[Closed - Spencer - May 30]

[just_another]

In a strange turn of events, Joel loves New York.

The man who's been unable to leave Siren Cove for over a decade, the man who nearly drove his car off the road in a panic the first time he tried, the man who had an anxiety attack at the rail of a ship when he finally managed to leave, absolutely loves everything about New York City.

He and Spencer had arrived the night before and while the apartment Aoife has graciously allowed them use of for the weekend is absolutely beautiful, Joel had found himself at the window staring out at the city with wide eyes for close to fifteen minutes before Spencer had announced they were unpacked and they should go out to find some dinner. They'd gotten distracted be Central Park and Joel had once again found himself completely enchanted, standing at the edge of a lake and staring across at a building he couldn't identify but somehow looked familiar all the same. It had taken Spencer's gentle reminder that he was hungry to actually pull Joel away. By the time they found dinner near Times Square -- one more thing that had stunned Joel to silence -- and then made their way back to the apartment on the subway, he was surprised by just how sore he was from all the walking they'd done.

And today is going to be no different. Today they have the literary tour of bars in New York and today he and Spencer are going to do a shot of whiskey at every single one. Today, by the time they're done, they're going to be very drunk and Joel can't wait. It feels like a real vacation, sort of how the cruise had felt at first, but he's absolutely certain this time they're not going to end up on a magical island with monsters and things that steal magic.

Of course, he thinks he might willingly give up his magic for another week in New York. He's never been so immediately comfortable somewhere that wasn't home and he isn't even sure what it is. People are kind in a way he hadn't expected given the angry New Yorker stereotype, but they've been offered directions more than once and a very kind woman had helped them find their way on the subway the night before. He loves it here and he's sure Spencer can tell.

More than that, he loves that Spencer seems to be enjoying himself, too. The bruises haven't entirely faded, but Joel's potions have helped speed the process and no one has even looked at him twice here. They blend into the crowd with ease, walking down the sidewalks holding hands and although Joel is sure there are moments when they look exactly like the tourists they are, for the most part he doesn't think they stick out all that much at all.

"The tour starts in about an hour," he says, glancing down at his phone as he tries to decide which cardigan to wear. "Do you want to stop for lunch first or get something while we're drinking our way through New York?"

Comments

[doublethepain]

It's not the first time he's asked Joel to fuck him like this, and it certainly won't be the last; but it is the first time they've had sex out on a balcony in New York City so Spencer knows, as his husband starts to drive his cock deeper and faster into his ass, that he won't soon forget this. He's beyond grateful that they'd both kept their heads enough to stick to just the one shot of whiskey at each bar because while a grand total of seven is rather impressive, they could have all too easily decided in the moment that just one drink per place couldn't possibly be enough. As it is, it's become just the right amount to keep him feeling a little more than light-headed but not to the point of dizziness or nausea, and he isn't so far gone that this will only be a blur when they wake up tomorrow.

He wonders if they'll end up falling asleep out here in a bundle of limbs, sticky and sweaty and exhausted, and while the next day might find them sore and regretful that they'd done it, Spencer doesn't think he'd mind it tonight. At this point, he's already very aware that Joel is fucking him hard enough to ensure that every part of him will be feeling it tomorrow because he's tense all over, from his neck to his shoulders to his ass and thighs, tense from tightening that ring of muscle around Joel's cock and taking it like this, hard and fast and passionate, just as he'd wanted.

Each thrust somehow feels deeper than the last, and Spencer can feel his husband, really feel Joel inside of him as they let go for each other, as they offer their bodies to each other because they know where they belong and that's here, together, for the rest of their lives. With every slap of skin that sounds, Spencer's moaning grows louder and not just for the sake of what he'd said about wanting the neighbors to be able to hear them. When he's with Joel, he finds it difficult to control himself because his husband is so beautiful, so utterly perfect in world where perfection isn't supposed to exist, so Spencer isn't sure how he's expected to function at all when someone like that is practically bending him in half as he fucks him into a lounge chair.

When Joel takes hold of his cock, rubs his thumb over the head, Spencer is certain that there must be fireworks going off in the distance until he realizes his eyes are closed because all he sees is an explosion of static and color as he shouts for Joel to fuck him harder, begging him for a pleasure that very nearly borders on pain, and he may very well find that he has a whole new set of bruises tomorrow from the way his body keeps bouncing on the chair beneath them, but Spencer doesn't care. It's what he wants, it's what he's loving right now, and he lets out a low, continuous and trembling moan as he gets closer to reaching his climax with Joel's fingers wrapped around his length.

"Oh, god," he says, nearly breathless as he fixes his gaze on his husband, biting down hard on his lip as he shifts his body to lift one leg over Joel's shoulder. It changes the angle of Joel's thrusting, it changes everything, and he gasps for breath as he lets his head fall back hard against the chair, his lips forming words that he can no longer pout a voice to as he writhes under his husband. He's close, so close, and his entire body begins to shudder from all the thrills that are being sent through him as his mind tries to reconcile the way Joel looks licking come from his fingers with the way it feels to be jerked off while being so mercilessly fucked.

"Joel," he manages, eyes widening as he feels the heat in his belly start to overwhelm, and Spencer can feel himself getting closer to being undone as he reaches out to wrap his hand around Joel's, urging him to stroke once, twice, before he's reaching his orgasm and letting out a shout as he spills over his and Joel's fingers.

[just_another]

It doesn't matter how much time they spend together, it won't matter how many years they've been together, how long they've been intimate, Joel knows he'll never see anything as beautiful as Spencer when he comes. They don't hold back with each other, it isn't as if Joel feels closed off otherwise, but in that moment he knows Spencer it at his most open and everything he's feeling is written clear on his face. When he comes, when his body tightens and his back arches and Joel can feel the heat of his come on his fingers, he can't look anywhere but at Spencer's face. At the way his brows draw together and the way his lips part, his mouth falling open and he's just so incredibly beautiful that even in a moment like this, when his body just wants to keep driving forward, burying himself inside Spencer over and over, there's a part of him that just wants to stop. Freeze everything and just watch, as if he could somehow be apart from all this and look at it from the outside. And yet he loves being inside it all so much more, but he wishes he could capture it still, find the moment in which to best enjoy it, because Spencer is honestly the most incredible and beautiful person he's ever known.

He's lucky. He's so goddamn lucky.

"Spencer," he breathes, feeling the way his husband's orgasm shudders through his body and he trembles himself, his muscles suddenly going taut before they relax just a second later. It isn't going to be long now, not like this, with Spencer spent and trembling under him, with his leg up against Joel's shoulder and he's never known there are so many ways to be wrapped up in a person until Spencer. He'd never realized it would be possible to get so physically close in so many different ways, to literally have every last bit of Spencer wrapped up in every last bit of him, and it's been one of the best surprises of falling in love with this man. They've discovered so much together, so many parts of life previously unknown to them both, and Joel knows that's at least part of what makes their relationship so special. They have things other people don't have and it's theirs alone. Their secret, their love, their relationship, and no one else can ever get inside it. No one else will ever be able to understand it, because no matter how much they might love another person, it won't be the same as this.

That moment where he wants to be outside of this passes, the moment when he thinks he might be able to just stand outside and look at how incredible Spencer is fades, and Joel feels the urgency of his own orgasm crashing back into him. The hand he has on Spencer's hips feels like it's on fire and he doesn't need to see the little sparks of energy going off to know they are, snaps of blue light that only ever seem to come out around Spencer. For a time Joel had wondered if it was some kind of latent power, some untapped quality he's never discovered, and then he had wondered if it was the demon, but now he's sure neither of those things are true. Whatever he has inside him that makes him a witch, whatever gives him these abilities he's had all his life, it responds to Spencer and only Spencer. It doesn't happen all the time, but it no longer surprises him anymore either and it no longer makes him wonder. This is the deepest, most base part of him responding to the man he loves and he doesn't think there's anything more obvious than that.

"Spencer," he says again, dragging his name out before it tapers off into a low moan and he can't help it, he's gripping Spencer's hip harder now, holding onto him tighter as he drives forward once, twice more, his hips snapping instead of rolling, and when he comes it's with a strangled, startled cry that carries on the breeze and he doesn't care. He doesn't care who knows what they're doing, he doesn't care who hears how much he loves his husband, he doesn't care about anything or anyone who isn't this moment or Spencer. His shoulders shudder as his muscles tense and tighten, then release and he whimpers, a low whine in his throat as he gently takes Spencer's leg down from his shoulder so he can wrap it around his waist again and do his best not to collapse forward onto his husband.

He just needs to be a little bit closer. He needs to be able to feel Spencer's pulse fluttering under his lips and Joel's eyes close, his hips rolling lazily a few more times as he brushes kisses across Spencer's heated skin.

[doublethepain]

At first, Spencer thinks he's only imagining them, the sparks he feels going off between them, and it wouldn't be much of a shock--pun entirely unintended--if they really were all in his head but in forcing his eyes open so that he can watch Joel continue to thrust into him, he catches sight of the blue sparking from his husband's hand against his hip. It pulls a near breathless laugh from him because he knows this only ever happens between them, the two of them, in moments like this when the rest of the world has faded away and the only thing that matters is that they're together and in love and will be for as long as they live.

Maybe it's the alcohol flowing through him because he's not typically so arrogant, but Spencer is certain more than ever that nobody could possibly share a love as incredible as passionate as he and Joel do. They've saved each other in so many ways and so many times that one might think it'd be too much, too overwhelming, too much pressure; but it's quite the opposite. Nobody else could have gotten Spencer through his worst moments of the past year, no matter how hard they tried, because none of them would be Joel. As much as he appreciates the people in his life, the genuine and lasting friendships he's made, Spencer appreciates having met Joel the absolute most because it's brought him here.

This relationship, this marriage, this man, they've all influenced change in every facet of Spencer's life without demanding it. Joel would never have asked Spencer to be more social or to leave his job at the library or to do anything that might make him initially uncomfortable. Everything he has done has been his own choice, but Spencer knows he wouldn't have arrived at some of the conclusions he has about life and love in general without his husband there to help him. Being here in New York, for instance, never would have happened if he hadn't had the right person to come here with, and that right person has just send him into a dizzying orgasm that Spencer is still trying to recover from as he rocks against Joel's last few thrusts.

He's lost his ability to make even the smallest of sounds, it seems, and when he feels Joel coming inside of him, Spencer can only keep his jaw dropped as he tries to get his breathing under control, torn between begging out loud for this night to never end and tugging Joel closer to him so they can rest together. Spencer glides his hands expertly down Joel's back, pleased at how easily he's able to do it because of the sweat that's formed there, and he thinks a shower might be necessary for both of them later if they manage to get their legs working at any point. He still hasn't unwrapped himself around Joel's waist, if only because he wants his husband to stay pressed inside him until Joel's cock softens, and Spencer tightens his legs to encourage Joel to roll his hips again.

Every movement makes him shudder, sends a thrill shooting up his spine, and he wishes they could get hard again now because as much as he knows his body will be aching in the morning, Spencer wants to be able to repeat this all over again. After the shower, he thinks, or maybe even in the shower, they can have a second round. He can get down on his knees and suck his husband's cock until it hardens in his mouth and then, Spencer will bend over so Joel can take him again. He can already feel the come dripping from his ass down his thighs, and he doesn't know why that turns him on so much but god, it does, though he supposes it mostly just has to do with Joel.

It always comes back down to Joel.

"Love you," he murmurs, tilting his head to give Joel better access, and it's possibly the most simple thing he could say but it encompasses everything. Joel will know what he means, all that Spencer is feeling, and that's just one more reason that Spencer loves him so much.

[just_another]

When Spencer's legs tighten around him and Joel rolls his hips again, he gives a soft, muffled sort of sound against the skin of Spencer's throat and it isn't a word, it isn't his name, it's just the simplest expression of contentment that Joel has ever made. They're wet and damp, they're dripping with sweat and he can feel Spencer's come cooling on his fingers and trapped between their bodies and somehow it all feels just as amazing as anything ever has. There's no part of Joel that wants to pull away from Spencer and get up, though the thought of stepping into that giant, amazing shower in the bathroom inside is actually rather appealing as well, and he expects they'll get there eventually. For now, though, no matter how damp and sticky they are, this is the only place he wants to be and as he pries his fingers from Spencer's hip and then brushes a few more kisses over the salty skin of his throat, he tries to figure out some way in which he can just burrow closer. Wrap himself up in Spencer entirely, slide against him skin to skin until they can't tell where one of them ends and the other begins. It's partly due to being drunk, Joel knows that, these abstract and nonsense thoughts he's having, but they're good thoughts, too. They make him feel warm all throughout.

He smiles at the two words Spencer says, by far the best two words Joel has ever heard, and his nose brushes back and forth against Spencer's skin as he tries to figure out whether or not he's capable of speaking in return. He doesn't have to say it, he knows without a doubt Spencer knows just how much he's loved. The words themselves don't always matter, but they feel so good. Both to hear them and say them. There's a strange certain power that comes with them, that comes with knowing not everyone can say them and mean them like this and perhaps that's silly and a little selfish, but Joel likes knowing that what they have is special. It's something not everyone has.

"Love you," he says in return, lifting his head just a little, enough to press a series of kisses along the edge of Spencer's jaw. He's no longer sure if he's drunk or if he's somehow sobered up over the course of the past hour, but whatever the case, he thinks he's at least slightly delirious from everything they've just done and he has to laugh against Spencer's throat. He's warm and extremely sated, but he thinks it'll be best if they don't fall asleep out here. They'll regret it tomorrow when they're sore and cramped, especially if they have hangovers, and he still can't help but think of how nice it would be to get Spencer into the shower. The bathroom in their home is quite nice and he's perfectly happy with it, but this apartment is exceptionally extravagant, like nothing they've had a chance to really enjoy, and he'd like to take advantage of all parts of it before they have to return home.

They're quiet for a time. Long enough that Joel can feel his skin starting to dry, the sweat cooling on his shoulders and at the small of his back, long enough that he can feel himself going soft inside Spencer, which drags another shiver out of him. Long enough that he can feel just how sticky they both really are and he smiles again, then nudges another kiss to Spencer's chin and then his lower lip. "We should go inside," he murmurs, his voice low and he finds his throat hurts a little and wonders just how loud he's really managed to be tonight. Rather than embarrass him, it only makes him grin and he pulls back a bit so he can better see Spencer's face, beautiful as always in the low light on the balcony. The setting they're in is lovely, the balcony itself well decorated and taken care of, their backdrop the Manhattan skyline, but Joel isn't looking at anything but Spencer right now. He's never looking at anything but Spencer.

It's difficult to pull himself any further away than this, but he manages, one hand sliding gently around Spencer's leg, hoping he hasn't cramped up at all from lying on a lounge chair for too long. "Let's go inside," he says and kisses Spencer's mouth again, then the tip of his nose. "And I'll start the shower."

[doublethepain]

There are moments when Spencer is quite certain that Joel simply possesses the power to read his mind, that's how uncannily often his husband seems to know exactly what he's thinking and voice the exact same thought. Though he knows what's beyond the sight of his husband--the lights brightening skyscrapers, the shuffle of people on the streets below, the shopkeepers waiting for the last couple hours before they're ready to close--none of it seems to matter. Nothing else ever seems to matter when they're wrapped up in each other like this and most of the time, even when they're not. Very soon, they'll be expanding their hearts and lives to include a baby, the child they've been wanting to meet for what feels like forever now, and Spencer knows when that day comes, they won't be able to say they've ever been happier.

But in this particular moment, Spencer has never felt more content. All he can do is sigh, releasing any remaining tension that had built in his muscles from tightening from his orgasm, and closes his eyes so he can hone in on every shift of Joel's cock still inside him, every puff of breath from Joel's lips onto his skin, every drip of sweat that lands on his chest. He shivers at the sound of Joel's low voice in his ear and again when his husband starts to pull out of him, groaning when one leg then the other are lowered uselessly back down to the chair. He feels like his limbs have turned to jelly, and he's not entirely certain that he'll be able to make it to the shower on his own; but given an extra minute to recover, Spencer knows the temptation of being under that warm spray of water with his husband's arms wrapped around him, keeping him safe and protected and loved, will be too overwhelming to resist for any reason, much less for being tired.

When he tries to push himself up from the chair, though, it's to no avail, and he collapses onto his back with a short laugh as he runs a hand through his damp hair. "A little sore," he explains, smirking as he arches a brow up at his husband, though it's not just his ass and legs that are the problem. There are still fading bruises on his back that have only been somewhat aggravated from being fucked against the chair and his shoulder, too, has suffered a bit; but there's nothing about the minor pain that troubles him much, he'd expected it. The effects of drinking both Joel's potion and the whiskey have gone a long way in keeping those issues off his mind tonight, and he doesn't intend on letting them worm their way back in now.


"The good kind," he continues, making another attempt at pushing himself up and this time succeeding as he presses a kiss to Joel's lips, more of a firm reassurance that he's fine than anything else. "The kind that I'm going to wake up to tomorrow and desperately want you to recreate before we have to leave." He pauses, pushing out his bottom lip in a playful pout. "Do we really have to leave? Erin can have the baby here, can't she? The living room is big enough, or there's always the tub. Water births have grown a great deal in popularity in recent years."

It's with a conceding groan that he forces himself to get up from the chair, wobbling just a bit because of his unsteady legs and the effects of the alcohol, which have weakened but are apparently still flowing through him just enough to affect his balance, and Spencer grips Joel's arm to keep himself upright as he takes a step forward. There's a slight breeze on the balcony that cools the warm evening air, and Spencer knows that the apartment is air conditioned but he takes one last look over his shoulder at the skyline before they walk through the glass doors.

"I'm never going to forget this night," he says, looking to Joel with a small smile. "What we did, what we're going to do, how you made me feel. How you always make me feel." He brushes his lips over Joel's shoulder, then over the line of his jaw. "I'm not going to forget any of it."

[just_another]

"We can stay here," Joel says and he knows the conversation isn't entirely serious, but he does mean it all the same. There's something about New York he's fallen in love with and he doesn't think it's just due to the fact that they've come here at just the right time in their lives. They had both needed to get away from Siren Cove after what had happened to Spencer and somehow this trip had been scheduled at just the right time, but he doesn't think it's only that. It's a comfort, yes, and it's been a distraction and he truly believes it's been everything they need in ways they hadn't even known, but he thinks even if they hadn't been through such a traumatic experience only days ago, New York would have proven to be special somehow anyway. It would have captured his attention and his heart without even trying and there's nothing about this city he doesn't love.

He can see them here. The two of them. Their baby, whoever he or she turns out to be. He can see them finding a place to open another location of Crossroads and he can see the three of them in Central Park on warm summer days, a toddler running through the grass, chasing after Huxley while Joel and Spencer watch. He can see them dodging pedestrians on the street as they take their child to school, playfully rolling their eyes and shaking their heads at all the tourists, said with that tone of voice as if they hadn't been tourists in this city once upon a time. For someone who's only ever lived in small towns, Joel can see himself disappearing into the crush of people in New York with ease, without anxiety, with the sense of comfort anonymity brings, and he can see them both flourishing here in ways he never would have imagined.

"Aoife won't mind if we just refuse to leave the apartment," he says, returning the smile before he begins to lead Spencer back inside. The breeze is cool, drying the sweat on his skin and he heaves out a satisfied sigh before he closes the door behind them and closes out the sounds of the city below. It's strange to think he could get used to that, too, that constant sound, the blare of horns and the murmuring of traffic. It's not the sort of thing they hear much of back home, but it hasn't bothered Joel once since they've been here, it's dropped into background noise almost immediately and in a way he actually finds rather comforting. There's just so much about this city he loves.

"Here," he says, leading Spencer into the bathroom and sitting him down on a small wooden bench that lines one wall. As with the rest of the apartment, the bathroom is incredible, far more decadent than anything Joel would ever imagine for themselves, but it's a nice treat. There are places to sit, a huge counter with more space than either of them would ever need, and the shower and tub itself are enormous. Outside he had thought a shower might be most appealing, but now that he's faced with the gigantic tub, all the jets, the vast array of bubble options and the fact that there's more than enough room for both of them to lie comfortably, he has a different idea.

Leaning over the tub, he turns on the taps until the water is the right temperature, then puts in the plug and goes through the bottles sitting on the edge until he finds out with a scent that won't be overpowering. Carefully, he dumps some of the product in and watches as the bubbles start to pile up, then he turns and holds his hand out toward Spencer. "Come on," he says. "This will help." He knows his husband has said he's sore in a good way, but Joel wants nothing more than to just make him feel good and he thinks a warm, soothing bath will help.

[doublethepain]

If they don't actually stay here, Spencer thinks they've both already come to an agreement without actually having to agree to it out loud that they want to come back. It'll be later rather than sooner, seeing as there would be no easy way to travel with a newborn and a brand new life as parents to adjust to, but one day when the time is right, they'll return to New York. They're calling this their test drive, after all, and Spencer can't say that he's certain they'd feel as happy and relaxed anywhere else. The idea of this city has never been one that's sounded especially appealing: busy streets, enormous crowds, a constant barrage of noises and bright lights to fill the evenings; but being here has shown him that it's so much more than that.

There's something about New York that makes him feel like his spirits have been lifted simply by existing here. Maybe it's just being away from Siren Cove, from actually having the chance to leave behind the safety net of home and people who already know them to be here on a private vacation, but Spencer has felt free since the moment they'd stepped off the plane. It's possible, he supposes, that their town itself is what makes him feel like he's shackled in a way, forever chained to a history and past he'll never be disassociated with in spite of how rarely he chooses to discuss it with anyone. A part of the community will always look at him and see the man who might have killed his family and if not that, at the very least, he's the man who was accused of it.

He's the man who'd worked at the library for years until he'd eloped and married the reclusive bookshop owner; he's the man who'd been kidnapped and taken up to the old lighthouse then kidnapped again, like he's cursed somehow to relive old horrors over and over in brand new ways.

But Spencer knows who he really is. He's the man with the husband who loves him, who takes care of him in a way nobody else could, and he watches Joel from the bench--the bench, it's all so excessive in this place and nothing short of what he'd expect of a Coombs residence--with a small, fond smile. That's all it really takes to make him forget how cruel this world can be, just one look at the man before him, because it reminds him that the world isn't so cruel that it would keep him from finding the love of his life. He couldn't have predicted that this would happen, nor would he have wanted to because the surprise of it, of meeting someone and instantly falling for him, has been the best adventure of his life so far.

Soon, they'll be navigating their way through fatherhood and that will be an exciting, incredible thing on its own; but the important thing is that they'll be doing it together, just like they approach everything else. Spencer doesn't waste as much time worrying about what could go wrong anymore, not when there are so many moments passing them by that can be better spent showing Joel that he loves him, and he's in the unique position of being able to do that at nearly all hours of the day. He's lucky, luckier than he thinks he deserves, but he would never give what he and Joel have up for anything. There's nothing in this world that could be more valuable.

"Have I ever told you that I think you should be nominated for sainthood?" he asks as he takes Joel's hand and steps into the tub. The warm water already feels heavenly as he lets his husband help him with slowly lowering himself until the bubbles reach his chest, and Spencer lets out a relieved laugh once they've both settled. "This is perfect. Everything about tonight has been perfect, I don't want it to end."

[just_another]

The trip itself has to end eventually, they're both aware of that, but as Joel wraps his arms around Spencer and pulls him close, he drops a kiss to his shoulder and then whispers against his ear, "It won't." Maybe they can't stay in this apartment forever, maybe they can't stay in New York. They have to go home at the end of this weekend, they have to give back the keys to the apartment and fall back into their lives. There are responsibilities waiting for them, a baby who will soon enter their lives, and Joel doesn't want to do away with any of that, but he also wants Spencer to know that this is never going to end. What they have together, what they are, the way they feel, it will never end. He's sure Spencer knows it already, but being able to say it and mean it more completely than he's ever meant anything before in his life feels incredibly good. There's nothing like this, not at all that compares to the feeling of wrapping his arms around his husband and knowing there's nowhere else in the world either of them would rather be.

Joel leans back against the gentle incline of the tub and he knows he shouldn't be surprised at just how perfect this is for a person to lie in comfortably, but he doesn't think he's ever been in a tub like this before. He hadn't even known they existed and he makes a little mental note to get one like this if they ever feel the need to redo the bathroom. It isn't that he even especially likes being in the bath, but there's nothing he likes quite so much as being able to fully recline and have Spencer lying back against him.

They needed this trip, they needed this night, and Joel closes his eyes, his head still spinning slightly from the alcohol and the heat in the bathroom. He'd read something once about avoiding alcohol when one is in a hot tub, but if they hadn't actually taken heed of that advice while on the cruise, he doesn't imagine them paying attention to it now when they're simply in a warm bubble bath rather than an actual hot tub. Still, the heat is getting to him, making him dizzy in a way he finds entirely delightful and he keeps his eyes closed as he tips his head back and tightens his arms around Spencer. They fit together perfectly, they have right from the beginning, and although there are still times when Joel wishes their first date could have gone like it was supposed to, when it's rare for a week to go by without him feeling a little flash of guilt over the fact that he hadn't just stayed at Spencer's house after they'd been released from the hospital, for the most part he accepts that there's nothing to be done about any of it.

There is never any undoing the past. There's only this, being content and comfortable, having forgiven himself for his part in Spencer's injuries and accepting that this man loves him regardless. There's only going forward, taking care to be exactly the man Spencer deserves now for the rest of his life. Making sure he's safe and loved and never in any danger if Joel is able to prevent it. He tilts his head, nuzzling against Spencer's ear and the side of his neck and then his shoulder before he draws in a deep breath and then lets it out again, completely relaxed, completely satisfied and happier than he's felt in a long time.

A week ago he had been terrified for Spencer, but now they're here. Now they're together and he's going to do everything he can to make sure they stay this way.

"It won't end," he says again, pressing another kiss to Spencer's shoulder. "It won't, because I love you and I'll never stop loving you."