[closed - Spencer - June 19]

[just_another]

It's been over a year since their ruined attempt at a first date and Joel has been making plans for months now to celebrate. For a few weeks he had considered celebrating it on the same day, but he doesn't want to draw attention to the fact that it's been a year since Mark Fuller had kidnapped Spencer and dragged him up to the lighthouse to get revenge on Joel. He's in prison now, he'll be in prison for years to come, and his influence on their life together isn't something Joel wants to remember.

So instead of celebrating on the day, he makes plans for a week later. It's a Friday and he sends Spencer to work at the store with a kiss and a promise to call him later. He's made up an emergency repair in the bathroom and even made it look realistic by dumping a cup of water on the floor. (Something is leaking, he had insisted. I need to fix this because once the baby is here I won't have time to tear up the floor if I need to.)

Nothing is leaking. The bathroom is fine.

A year ago they had planned to meet on the boardwalk and watch a movie together and Mark had ruined that. So now Joel is bringing the boardwalk and the movie to their backyard. He's been very careful about his rentals, making sure to use the money he has in his own account so Spencer doesn't find out about any of it. There's a popcorn machine, a large, comfortable loveseat for the two of them to watch the movie, a projector and a giant screen all set up in the back yard. There's a cooler beside the loveseat with ice and beer -- because you can't get whiskey on the boardwalk -- and when Joel calls Spencer at the end of the day to make sure he's home on time, he's pretty satisfied with what he's put together.

"I took care of the leak," he promises. "But there's a bit of a clean up to do. You were planning on coming straight home, right? I could really use the help." And when Spencer promises he's on his way, Joel smiles before he ends the call.

A little over a year ago, someone ruined what was to be their first date. No one is going to interrupt this night. Joel isn't going to let them.

Comments

[doublethepain]

Joel has been plotting something.

There's no proof, it's being done very quietly, and Spencer doesn't know what it is, but he does know his husband and so, it's clear enough to him that Joel is hiding this thing, whatever it may be. It's more amusing than anything else, trying to gauge whether this or the next will be the day that he gets to see what's been planned but after the anniversary of what was supposed to have been their first date has come and passed--without much fanfare, thankfully, he knows that Joel had been just as eager as he was to let that part of their lives be ignored--Spencer thinks that maybe he'd been wrong.

When Joel tells him about the leak, though, his suspicions arise again. Still, he goes all day without so much as a hint that something might be waiting for him, and Joel had texted him throughout the day, which is usual when they aren't together at the store. The messages come more frequently lately, simply because there's still a part of Spencer that instinctively flinches every time an unfamiliar face walks through the door of the shop, fear briefly tightening his chest before he manages to take a breath and out on his best friendly shop owner smile, but he thinks that once the baby arrives, it'll help. The bruises have faded away to nothing and so has the pain, the nightmares mostly kept at bay unless he ends up falling asleep on the couch in the living room, only to be jolted awake by the echo of Roman's laughter.

Their time in New York had helped a great deal, too, he thinks, kickstarting the kind of healing process he's never experienced before by getting him away from the very place he and Davin had been taken, by ensuring that Joel would be at his side in a city full of people who couldn't possibly care who either of them are or what they can or can't do. He's thankful for the trip, to Aoife for letting them use her place, to Joel for being the perfect husband. He just wishes that perfect husband would spill what on earth he's been doing while Spencer has his back turned.

He isn't worried about it, there's no suspicion or anything ridiculous like that; Spencer's just curious. On his walk home, he's fully preparing himself for an evening of cleaning after an entire day of organizing, rolling up his sleeves even as he enters the house and nudges the front door shut with his hip.

"Joel?" he calls out, glancing up at the top of the stairs and arching a brow when his husband doesn't appear to meet him. Spencer sets his keys down on the table next to the door before venturing toward the kitchen, checking his phone just to make sure he hadn't gotten another text from Joel saying that he'd popped out to grab something for dinner. "Joel, if I go upstairs and the bathroom is a disaster, I'm going to have to call a time out for a minute because I'm just..."

As he passes by the window that looks out to the backyard, Spencer forgets entirely what he'd been about to say. The setup is incredible, an enormous screen glowing before what looks like a loveseat, a cooler, and a popcorn machine. Standing there in the middle of it all, waiting for him, is his husband, and Spencer walks out the door to the yard with a look of awe on his face as his gaze shifts from piece to piece of what Joel has put together.

"This was our date," he says, huffing a short laugh, one hand hovering over his mouth. "Oh, my god, baby, this was supposed to be our first date." He bottom lip quivers even as he grins, taking a step toward Joel and trying not to let his emotions overwhelm him so much that he starts to cry. "I can't believe you did this."

[just_another]

While waiting in the back yard, Joel had debated going inside and waiting for Spencer there instead. He had considered turning the fake bathroom leak into an even bigger deal, rushing inside to tell Spencer there was a major problem now and he'd had to dig up half the back yard just to get him out there, but he realized they don't need all that fanfare. Spencer is going to come home and see the set up in the yard and it's going to speak for itself, which is exactly what Joel wants. Spencer will know exactly what his intentions are and he looks around the yard, satisfied with how everything looks. This is better, too, than the boardwalk. There's no crowd here, there's no one to interrupt. They're allowed to spend their entire night out here and do whatever they like. He's always liked to make things their own, to give themselves the opportunity to just enjoy their celebrations together without having to worry about any outside influences and this is especially important to him. They missed their chance to have it and Joel wants to give it back to them both. They've worked hard to get where they are and they deserve it.

"Hi," he says when Spencer comes out into the yard and he finds himself grinning as Spencer speaks. As expected, he knows exactly what it is and Joel nods his agreement, coming closer to Spencer and reaching for his hand. "We never got to do this." And he doesn't think showing up at Spencer's house after leaving when he shouldn't have, the two of them near tears and injured counts as a first date. They've had other dates, it's not as if they've never gone out together, but this was supposed to be their first date and they're going to have it now. This is just one more gesture Joel wants to make, one more thing Mark can't take from them, and it's with a little sense of victory that he reaches out and takes Spencer's hand.

"I couldn't remember what movie was playing, though, so I just got something I knew we'd both like," he says, nodding toward the projector. The film is already loaded, a copy of The Apartment he'd actually had to pick up at the library since he had needed a copy he could load in the projector. John had asked about it when Joel had gone by to pick it up and while Joel isn't especially prone to sharing the details of their private life with anyone, he knows John has been one of their biggest supporters right from the beginning, and so he had told him the whole plan while signing out the film. John had expressed his approval, had muttered something about Joel putting them all to shame, then had made him promise to tell Spencer to come visit in the next little while before the baby was born.

And he would get to that. Right after they have their date.

"I got The Apartment," he says, taking Spencer by the hand and leading him toward the loveseat. "There's beer, because you can't get whiskey on the board and there's popcorn, and I've actually made us a bit of a dinner, too. Technically it's all food you can get on the boardwalk, just dressed up a little." He's made yam fries with a chili aioli, gourmet polish sausages instead of regular hot dogs and he thinks it's all turned out pretty well. The beer is better than the regular beer they could have gotten on the boardwalk, too, something that's actually brewed on whiskey vats, so he's cheated a little, finding a beer that tastes like the drink they means so much to them, but that's the beauty of being the one to plan this all. He can bend the rules however he wants. "I wanted us to be able to do it properly this time."

[doublethepain]

Joel's taken his hand, he's pulling gently on it, but Spencer is so stunned that for a moment, he forgets how to do anything. How to move, how to breathe, all he can do is take his free hand and place it over his gaping mouth because nobody--nobody--in his life would ever have thought to do this before. Mostly because nobody in his life has every loved him the way Joel has before. There are tears already on the precipice of spilling down his cheeks, and he tries to keep them at bay but it isn't as if they'd be a bad thing right now. Each one would represent how utterly joyful he is in this moment, how loved he feels, how incredible it is for him to be reminded yet again of just how much his husband adores him. This isn't the sort of thing either of them would be able to pull off for anyone but each other; rather, it isn't the sort of thing they'd bother to pull off because before Spencer had found Joel, the simple fact of his life had been that nobody else was that important.

He knows that sounds awful, it makes him sound like a terrible person, but it's the truth. Spencer Waters had been a man incapable of looking at people and believing he could find love. Spencer Waters-Baker is a man who looks at one person and knows without even the slightest fleeting doubt that he'll never be alone again. Joel has given him this gift, and it's been a little over a year since they'd made plans for their first day, which means it's been about a year and month since Spencer had fallen in love for the very first time. It seems like so much longer because of all they've already been through, some of it horrible but so much more of it the best Spencer has ever known. There's nothing he'd trade about their lives, so long as it would mean they'd always end up back here.

The baby is due so soon, in what feels like it'll be the blink of an eye, the nursery is finished, the renovations making the house look better than Spencer can remember it looking in long, long time; everything will soon be different but at the same time, remain very much the same because just as with all else, Spencer knows he'll be fine with his husband by his side.

"I don't know what to say," he murmurs, dropping his hand down to his chest as he lowers himself onto the loveseat, eyes still wide, but even as he says it the words are already coming. He can't stop looking around the yard, at what Joel has done, at what Joel has managed to accomplished without Spencer having any idea what was going on, and he'd known his husband was up to something--something that couldn't have possibly been less than wonderful, Spencer just hadn't been able to land on what--but this is genuinely breathtaking.

"This is significantly better than being out on the boardwalk with the rest of the town," he continues with a laugh, looking over at Joel, beaming and curling his arm around his husband's as he inches closer to him to rest his head on his shoulder. The movie has to be turned on, the beer and dinner and popcorn need to be brought over to where they're sitting, but Spencer wants to spend just a minute holding onto Joel, onto the one person in this world who could take him from the world of pain he'd experienced just barely a month ago to one of such happiness. It almost seems wrong, how quickly he's been willing to leave what had happened with Roman behind him, and he wonders for a moment whether Davin has been able to do the same; but with Joel, he supposes, anything is possible. From the trip to New York to right here, right now, Spencer has been delirious with contentment, with knowing that through all the bad, there's nothing but good left waiting for him once it's over.

"God, I have the perfect husband." He's said it before, but he means it every time. There's no such thing as perfection, Spencer is aware of this, but he's certain that whatever the closest thing to it is, Joel is exactly that. He presses a kiss to Joel's shoulder then nudges his nose gently against his cheek with an affectionate smile that's reserved only for this man. "This is the best first date I'll ever have been on."

[just_another]

"Me too," Joel whispers, tilting his head so he can brush his lips over Spencer's hair, his eyes closed. Spencer says he's the perfect husband and Joel supposes there is a certain level of romance in what he's done. It is for Spencer, of course, but it's for himself that he's done this as well. Mark coming for Spencer, ruining what was supposed to be their first date, breaking his fingers, hurting him the way he had, it's something Joel still feels guilty over. What feels worse is the memory of going back to Spencer's house to clean up, leaving to fill his prescription and being unable to return. Being too much of a coward to go be with the one person in this whole damn town who's ever made him feel alive. He knows Spencer has forgiven him for that and he knows his husband would never want him to feel guilty over any of it, but he's still not quite at the place where he can forgive himself. This is where he should have been following Mark's attack on the two of them. This is where he should have always been and he's never going to make the mistake again. This is as much for him as it is for Spencer; a way to try to make up for some of what was taken from them that night, a way to make it clear he's never going to allow such a thing to happen again.

They're not perfect people, he knows that. He's especially not perfect, not with his tendency to let his temper get the best of him, not with the way he's more likely to glare at a person than give them an answer when they ask him a question, but he and Spencer are perfect for each other and that's the only thing that matters. Whatever someone else might think of him or the two of them as a couple doesn't even register for him most of the time. He has friends, of course, people he cares about, but he would be okay if everyone turned their back on him. He would be okay because he has Spencer and they have his family. They'll have their baby soon and he can look at this little unit they're about to become and know beyond a shadow of a doubt, he would be okay.

"Stay here," he says, pressing another kiss to Spencer's temple before he reluctantly untangles himself from his husband's arms and gets off the loveseat meant just for them. He hurries back to the house and comes out a few minutes later carrying a small table with their food that he'd measured just for this event. It fits perfectly in front of their seating arrangement and he sets it down before he grins at Spencer and drags the cooler a little closer, close enough that he can sit down and then grab a beer for each of them. He reaches over, stretching to flick the button on the projector that will start the already loaded movie and then he sits back down again, pressed up tight against Spencer. He tilts his beer toward Spencer's touching the rim of the bottle lightly to his husband's, then takes a long swallow as the movie begins to play.

"I know this is only our first date and this might seem rather forward, but I was hoping once the movie was done you'd let me take you home," Joel says, his gaze still on the screen set up in their yard. It actually all looks really good, which pleases him, because he genuinely hadn't been sure how it might all turn out. Either way, he had known Spencer would understand his intention and appreciate the gesture, but it's nice to know it still looks as good as it possibly can. He wants them both to remember this night for a long time to come. "And if that wasn't clear enough, I want to take you home so that I can undress you and take you to bed and kiss every last place I can find until you're begging me to fuck you."

He's grinning now, unable to help himself, even though he's still looking at the movie that's playing on the screen. He'll never be as subtle or nuanced as Spencer, but he's getting better at saying what he wants when he wants it. Eventually he might even be able to get through it without flushing or grinning with pride, but tonight is not that night.

[doublethepain]

As he watches Joel gather up their beer and food, Spencer is struck by the realization of just how comfortable he is being back here. It hadn't been that long ago that he'd avoided coming out to the backyard at all costs, the image of his mother's body, so still and so pale, forever carved into his brain, a mental tattoo in its permanence but a hundred times more painful in gaining it. The same had been true of the library after what Mark had done to him. For months, Spencer had been sure that every so often, he could hear the shatter of glass coming from the room and the one time he had, the one time Raleigh had accidentally knocked one to the ground, all the fears he'd had of not being able to properly deal with something so simple had made him wonder if he'd never really recover from the night of the lighthouse.

He flexes the fingers of his left hand, wincing slightly at the faint crack of his knuckles because it only serves to remind him of how the breaks had seemed to echo off the walls of the room Mark had kept him in while he'd waited so desperately for someone--for Joel, really--to find him and yet all the while terrified that there'd be nobody in Siren Cove who would even notice he'd gone. That, at least, isn't something he has to worry about anymore. He's sure it hadn't taken more than a couple hours of being unreachable when he should have been available to take calls that Joel had performed what would be at least one failed locator spell. That's what his husband does for him, provides Spencer with a sense of security in that no matter what, Joel will always know when something's wrong. Joel will always look for him. Joel will always bring him home.

After they'd spent his birthday making love in the bouncy castle, he's had a much easier time spending more time in the backyard. That'd been the remedy for the library, too, having sex on the second level until they'd collapsed in a sweaty, satisfied mess of entangled limbs, and Spencer can easily see that happening again. It's a perk of living without other roommates, the ability to drop what they're doing whenever they want because they can't stand the idea of resisting each other for another second. That's what makes what Joel says to him all the more incredible, proving to Spencer what he'd already known: they're always going to be on the same page. Mark had tried to ruin them, what they'd had, but neither of them would allow it. From the start, this thing that had formed between them had been special, even if Spencer had tried too long to deny it out of fear of losing yet another person important to him; but this relationship, their marriage, the love they share, it's been worth every second. He wouldn't trade it for the world.

"I think that can be arranged," he answers after a long sip of his beer, needing a few extra beats to recover just because he loves the way Joel is talking to him right now, his cock already twitching in his jeans. This is all he needs, just a few words to turn him on, and in all honesty, Joel could shoot him one quick look from across the room and get Spencer aroused but this is good, too. "I do have to say, it would take much less than kissing me all over to get me to beg you to fuck me. But I won't stop you from getting me on my knees for you before you're inside me, if that's your pleasure."

The movie has started but Spencer is comfortable admitting that he's only slightly paying attention to it, which he thinks is appropriate considering if their first date had gone as planned, he would have spent very little time trying to follow any sort of plot because he'd be trying too hard not to let his gaze land on Joel as often as it surely would. Right now, for instance, he watches his husband's profile with affection, the kind that he doesn't have for anybody else because there isn't a single soul in this town who could ever make him feel as at peace as Joel does. After everything he's been through in the last year, there's only one common denominator when it comes to determining how he'd gotten over the obstacles thrown his way, and that's Joel. His husband has had his own fair share of demons to fight, both literally and figuratively, but they're still here. They're still standing, still together, still falling more and more in love with each other with every passing day.

His heart grows a little bigger by the minute, he thinks, to make room for how much Joel makes him feel, and he knows it'll only expand more when the baby arrives. He smiles at the thought, taking another sip of his beer and taking greater heed of the way it tastes of whiskey, which of course Joel would think to find, and there it goes, his heart, swelling just a bit more with how much he adores his husband.

"You do know you spoil me, don't you?" he asks, closing a hand over Joel's free one and smiling softly as he turns to watch the screen. "And when the baby comes, she'll be the most spoiled child in Siren Cove. She and I, we'll be the luckiest pair here, just because we have you."

[just_another]

It doesn't surprise Joel in the slightest that he comes out with something he thinks is so daring, so unlike what he's usually capable of, and Spencer is able to return it without the slightest hesitation. He loves that about Spencer, that his husband can keep him on his toes, that he's always able to come up with something Joel might not quite be expecting without even needing to try, and he grins over at Spencer, nudging another kiss against the curve of his jaw. Whatever they get up to together after the movie, he's more than certain it's going to be pleasurable for the both of them. After more or less giving up on the idea of sex after two abysmal attempts at having some kind of connection with people, Joel is sometimes still so stunned that he and Spencer have worked together so perfectly. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to have a sex life of any kind, but Joel recognizes now that his attempts had just been the wrong kind. What he needs, what he's always needed is a real connection to someone, the kind of love that runs deep, and he's just never had that with anyone other than Spencer. This is just what he'd needed, what he'd been waiting for without even realizing it all those years, and he considers himself incredibly lucky to have found it. For Spencer to have been here in town all that time, for neither of them to have really made the connection until the Hydra had some rampaging through town says something to Joel. He doesn't know what it was, what they were waiting for, but he trusts now that it was meant to happen when it did. He had needed to grow, he'd needed to better understand what he wanted out of another person so that when it was finally presented to him he wasn't just going to mess it all up.

And yet he still almost had. It's not something he wants to think about now, he doesn't want to carry it through their second attempt at a first date, but now and then he's reminded of the fact that he nearly ruined this perfect life. At the time his fear had seemed like the best excuse possible for not being by Spencer's side, but now he knows how stupid that is. People are afraid of all kinds of things and they get up and go through their lives every day, holding that fear, controlling it carefully. Being afraid of hurting Spencer, being afraid of getting hurt himself, that hadn't been a good enough reason to walk away from him and he knows that now. He isn't afraid anymore, but he knows if there's anything that happens, any moment that comes up from now until the end of time in which he's scared, he isn't going to run from it. Not when it comes to Spencer and their family. Anything that frightens him now is something he'll face because this man, this baby they're waiting for, this family, it's all more than worth fighting for. He isn't going to pretend he'll never be afraid or that he'll never find any task daunting, but what he knows is that he can find the strength and courage to do anything thanks to Spencer.

"I don't know if it counts as spoiling you when I benefit from it, too," Joel points out, pressing a little closer to Spencer and shifting so he can drape his arm across his shoulders. He had gone out of his way to get a movie he thought they both would enjoy, but at the same time he can't say he would particularly mind being distracted and he smiles as he tilts his head to the side, pressing soft kisses against Spencer's cheek and then up toward his ear. Spencer's talking about their baby now, speaking about her as if she's already here and he loves that so much. Whenever they decide on a gender, even if it's only a temporary decision before they switch back to the other, he loves the sense of decisiveness it lends the entire situation. They could very well be wrong, but it makes it easier for him to imagine their baby, a little boy or a little girl, depending on what they've focused on this time, and at the moment he can picture her clearly. She looks like Spencer, blonde and sweet, with clear hazel eyes and his strong features.

"I just like seeing you happy," he murmurs a second later, having gotten distracted pressing kisses against Spencer's warm skin. He smells like the store, like a hint of shampoo and soap, a little like the beer they're both drinking, though Joel is sufficiently distracted from his. And under all that, there's that scent that's so distinctly Spencer, something Joel has never been able to put into words, but encompasses so much of what he thinks of when he thinks about his husband. It's familiar now, something he loves more than he knows how to express, the scent that will always make him think of his husband and home and everything that matters to him in this world. Pressing closer, he buries his face against the curve of Spencer's throat and breathes him in, his eyes closed and his mouth curved into a smile. This is exactly where he always wants to be. Wrapped up in Spencer, close and comfortable like he's never been anywhere else and a soft little sigh escapes him, a small, happy noise that whispers across Spencer's skin.

"If that means I'm spoiling you, then that's okay," he continues, his lips brushing against Spencer's throat as he speaks. "Because I'm certainly getting something out of it. Seeing you smile. Being able to do this, just be here with you. I don't think it's so bad to spoil you if this is where it leads."

He's about to say something more when his phone makes a soft dinging sound and Joel makes a disgruntled noise without moving away from Spencer. It's likely just Charlotte or Raleigh, the only two people who text him even half as much as Spencer does, and so he ignores it, leaving it in his pocket. There's a far more important task at hand anyway, which is pressing soft kisses down the length of Spencer's neck, completely ignoring the movie and getting significantly closer to his husband in every way possible. The loveseat might not be particularly large, but he thinks they can make use of it. Or they will once his phone stops going off.

[doublethepain]

There's been nobody in his life since his family had been killed who's made such an active effort to make sure he's consistently happy before; and really, Joel's the first one who's actually succeeded. His mother had tried with him, had always been so patient with him, and Spencer had loved her--loves her--dearly for that but there'd been something missing between them, sometimes it would feel like they were on the same path but had chosen different directions at a crossroads, and Spencer doesn't think that'd hurt them but it certainly hadn't gotten them much of anywhere. His mother had been a popular woman, exceedingly friendly and generous to everyone she met, and Dane had taken after her while Spencer had not.

He'd asked her once if his father had been like him, if his father had been the quiet sort who hadn't been interested in socializing with anyone but the woman he'd loved so much, but his mother had never been particularly keen on speaking of him. Spencer can understand that now, in some ways, because he thinks if anything were to happen to Joel, he'd never be able to talk about him again without immediately bursting into tears. He doesn't know how he'd be expected to tell their child of how loving her father was, how deep their connection had been, how desperately in love they were from the start. It's a terrible thing to imagine, and he manages to shake himself out of it but even there is another way of showing how Joel has changed him.

Not long ago, his instinct would have been to jump to the worst possible scenario in every situation that presents itself to him. Having a child would be out of the question because too much could go wrong, there's too much chance of losing something he can never gain back, and the same would have been true of getting married; but he's happier to take risks with this man. Happier to see where life might take them rather than prefer to know every last detail and to be fair, he still plans and prepares much more than the average person but in this case, in the case of their baby, Spencer doesn't think that's a bad thing. He can finally say they're ready for this, for fatherhood, without blinking an eye because even though he's still nervous, still all too jittery over what meeting their child for the first time is going to be like, even though he knows that they'll be full of nerves when the bring the baby home or when the baby coughs or when the baby won't stop crying, Spencer is still ready. He doesn't have to ask his husband to know that Joel is, too.

"I love you more than anything in this world," he murmurs, leaning his head back to give Joel better access to his neck, a content smile curving his lips as he closes his eyes. It's not exactly the best way to watch a movie but frankly, their first date was never going to be about the film. They'd already known by then just how far deep they were when it came to each other, how unbearable it would be to let the other go, and the circumstances of that night had been less than desirable but they can fix it here. Now. They've been fixing it for a year, really, and there have been more setbacks than he thinks any two people should have to deal with in a lifetime but they're not defeated yet. Together, he believes they never will be. Nobody lives forever but their love has always gone beyond the expected; he doesn't expect that to ever change.

He tugs at the hem of Joel's shirt, whining when he hears the phone go off once, then again. "I'm going to throw that thing in the water if it persists in keeping you from doing this," he groans, blinking an eye open. He shifts to move his hand down Joel's chest, hovering just for a moment over his husband's zipper before sliding it to his pocket to press his hand against the outline of the phone, pressing it harder against Joel's body just to make sure he can feel the vibrations. He bites down on his lip, arching a brow as he pushes himself up from the loveseat and seats himself back down on Joel's lap, his back to the projector. His husband has gone to so much work to set this up, he should probably have a bit more respect for it, a bit more self-control, but the phone has gone quiet so he reasons that he shouldn't waste the opportunity while it's already in full swing.

"Tell me more about what you're going to do to me to make me beg," he says, a wicked smile spreading across his features, and he leans in with parted lips to kiss his husband when his own phone vibrates in his back pocket, the generic ring tone an irritating buzz in his ear as he sighs his frustration. It can't be a coincidence, he thinks, that Joel's phone had been going off and then his own right after, so he presses a quick kiss to Joel's temple before reaching for the phone as the ring tone dies.

"It's Erin," he says, frowning at his screen, and Joel's phone goes off again then. His eyes widen as he looks up at his husband, one hand gripping tightly at the fabric of Joel's shirt. "I think we need to take this one."

[just_another]

Both their phones are going off now and Joel is about ready to tell Spencer to go ahead, throw them both in the water, they can get new phones tomorrow when what he's said actually manages to register and his hands fall to Spencer's hips, holding his husband there on his lap for a moment in surprise more than anything. It's Erin. That isn't entirely unusual. Erin often texts or calls to give them updates or inform them of appointments with the doctor they'll need to attend. Joel and Spencer see her several times a week, either apart or together, and they keep in relatively close contact with her, but when she texts and they don't immediately answer, she never keeps texting. Erin is perfectly content to let them get back to her in their own time and barely more than an hour or so will go by before they respond to her for the most part. Given the fact that they own their own business, set their own hours and really make their own rules for their store, it's easy enough for them to grab their phones and send a quick message in response. It's rarely so busy that they don't have a chance at all, so if she's texting them repeatedly, it's for a good reason. So Spencer tells him it's Erin, that they really should take this call, and Joel shoves his hand into his pocket for his phone, pressing the button on the screen to answer her call.

"Hi," he says, already a little breathless, and he supposes he could blame Spencer for that, but for what might be the first time in all their time together, he's completely distracted. Spencer is still sitting on top of him and Joel's free hand is still on his hip, he's even still hard, having responded to Spencer's hand pressing his vibrating phone against his skin quite eagerly. But almost none of that registers. Spencer is there and Joel is very aware of him, but his focus is narrowed down to this call, to Erin's voice coming over the line, to the things she's saying. He's terrified something bad has happened. The baby still isn't due for almost three weeks and the only thing he can think of is that something terrible has happened. There's been a car accident or some other awful emergency and she's been taken to the hospital. He's scared he won't even hear her phone on the other end of the phone at first, that it's going to be her husband calling to deliver the worst news Joel will ever hear and his hand tightens on Spencer's hip as the seconds tick by. It's the longest three seconds of his life.

"Hey, you guys are in town, right?" He's so relieved to hear Erin's voice instead of her husband's that Joel actually can't answer for a moment. He nods, then realizes she can't see him and swallows hard.

"Yeah," he says, his voice a little rough. "We're at home right now. Are you alright? Is everything okay?"

"Oh, everything's fine," she says, then laughs, and there's something about her laugh that puts him at ease. It's light and easy, the kind of laugh no one can fake. She's been like this right from the start, able to put the both of them into a state of relaxation without even having to try and Joel is reminded all over again why they picked Erin. She's the right choice. From the beginning they've both known that without a doubt. "There's no rush, I'm sure it'll be a few hours yet, but I started having contractions this afternoon. They're close enough together now that we're heading to the hospital, so you guys might want to head over as soon as you're ready. You're probably eating right now, aren't you? Did I interrupt your dinner?"

"Uh," he says, then blinks up at Spencer. Erin is worried about having interrupted their dinner, but their baby is coming. Their baby is coming now and the news sort of sits in Joel's chest, preventing him from doing or saying anything else for what feels like a very long time.

"Joel?" Erin asks. "Don't freak out. Everything is fine."

"But it's early," he says finally, still looking up at Spencer. "It's almost three weeks early."

"Well, babies aren't exactly known for following a strict schedule," Erin answers and she sounds amused again, enough that it seems to unstick whatever part of Joel's brain had frozen at the word contractions. "Take your time. Get Spencer. We'll meet you guys at the hospital, okay?"

"Okay," he says, then hangs up the phone. He blinks a few times, trying to register everything, then says, "The baby is coming."

[doublethepain]

Three weeks early.

Spencer's still trying to wrap his mind around hearing those words before Joel says the baby is coming, and he feels his throat go dry as he tries to think of how to reply. A small puff of air is the only thing that escapes from his parted lips, and he's glad Joel is still gripping his hip as tightly as he is because otherwise, he might have seriously been in danger of falling off his husband's lap and becoming a useless pile of limbs on the ground.

"Three weeks early," he finally manages to muster, frowning as his brain starts to overwork itself, starts to jump to all these conclusions that he knows he shouldn't become if Erin had seemed worried, Spencer suspects Joel would already have had them both in the car by now. As it is, they're both still just sitting here, frozen in place, because they'd expected their lives to change but not today. Not right this second. The movie is still playing behind him, their food is getting cold and their beers getting warm, and with any other interruption, Spencer would have been sorely disappointed that their attempt to recreate their first date was foiled, as if the world has something against it.

But he feels no disappoint. He doesn't know how he possibly could when the reason for it is that their baby, their baby, is on her way into the world. His way. Either way, it doesn't matter, all he knows is that he can feel his heart expanding, making room for the child they've been waiting to meet for what seems like an eternity, and he lets out a sharp laugh as he brings a hand to his forehead, rubbing lightly before combing his fingers through his hair as he leans in to give Joel the proper kiss he'd been meaning to before their phones had started ringing. Before they'd gotten the news that they'd be fathers sooner than later.

"We're having a baby. Joel, we're having a baby," Spencer says breathlessly, his lips still pressed against his husband's, and he laughs again because he can hardly believe it. It doesn't feel real, almost like he might find himself waking from a dream any second, but Joel is warm beneath him and his husband's smile is so genuine and the tears welling in his eyes are unmistakably real. He knows that there's danger that comes with the baby born late preterm, the organs are still growing and Spencer has read that for some, it poses a higher risk for hearing or vision functionality. There's a flash of fear that shows in his expression, and he looks up at Joel with worried eyes as he pushes himself off his husband's lap and to his feet.

"They're going to be okay, right, Erin and the baby?" he asks, scrambling to shut the projector down before taking a plate of food in each hand to carry back into the kitchen. Spencer knows Joel can't make promises like that but at the same time, he just needs to hear it, he needs to be reassured that everything's going to be fine because so many times, they haven't been. It'd only been a month ago that he'd been beaten senseless and kept from his husband for days but the thought of something awful happening to Erin or the baby makes him feel sicker than thinking of Roman ever could. "She didn't sound worried, I'm assuming that, she didn't sound worried? Oh, god. Oh, god."

He's breaking into a panic, a burst of adrenaline driving him toward the house, and he keeps looking over his shoulder to make sure Joel is there, as if his husband would be anywhere else. "That hospital bag we packed for Erin just in case, it's still in the nursery, right? And the bag for ourselves, that's there, too?" Changes of clothes, toothbrushes and toothpaste, snacks, books, the glasses they both own but hardly ever wear, neck pillows, phone chargers--Spencer had read up on all the things they might possibly need and had insisted they pack early, not because he'd actually anticipated this but because he and Joel both always prefer to be prepared. "Get the bags from upstairs, baby, will you? I'm going to make sure we're all good down here before we go. And the car seat, god, the car seat, they won't let us leave the hospital without it."

It occurs to him that it's entirely possible Joel has already put the car seat where it belongs, and he takes a deep breath at that thought because it means what he already knows, that he and Joel are on the same page about how this needs to go, as always. Knowing his husband, Joel has probably come up with several different routes to the hospital that's barely a fifteen minute drive away, probably even has a sufficient amount of loose change in the car, just in case they need to find metered parking. He lets himself pause as he enters the kitchen for a moment just to close his eyes and take another breath, trying to urge his pulse to slow down because the last thing Erin is going to need is for him to burst into her hospital room in hysterics. They haven't run drills for this or anything, but they're prepared. They've been prepared for weeks now, it's who they are, and in this moment, Spencer is overwhelmed with love for the husband who has never let him down.

Setting the plates down on the kitchen counter, he rifles through the drawers for Ziploc bags because the sausages will hold for another few hours, and Spencer doesn't want to let them go bad if he can help it, not when Joel had spent so much time putting this evening together for them. But he works quickly, going through the ground level of the house to unplug things here and there, just because he doesn't know how long they'll be at the hospital and to be completely honest, he has absolutely no plans to leave until the baby can go with them.

He grabs a couple cardigans from the coat stand in the hall, patting his back pockets to check for his keys and phone, and sighing with a sheepish smile as Joel comes back down the stairs. "I think we have everything we need," he says, reaching out to take one of the bags. "And I guess if we don't, Charlotte will probably be just about over the moon to bring us anything we need if it means she'll get to meet the baby before anyone else."

[just_another]

"They're okay," he says, following Spencer toward the house on autopilot. Somewhere along the way he had picked the beer bottles and the cooler, but he doesn't remember when he had done it or how he'd gotten off the loveseat. A part of his brain still feels as if it's shut down completely, the part necessary for processing information or understanding the passage of time, because while he seems perfectly capable of following orders -- he turns to go upstairs as soon as Spencer asks him to -- the very thought of trying to come up with what to do on his own is completely beyond him. All he can manage is that same thought over and over again, echoing through his brain as he picks up the bags. They're okay, they're okay, they're okay. Because they have to be. It's only three weeks early, which really isn't much at all, and Erin hadn't sounded the slightest bit early. When they get to the hospital, he'll think to ask her if her other children were early. Maybe it's just very common with her.

But they're okay. They're both going to be just fine, and by the end of this night, they're going to have a baby. Joel's hands close around the straps of the bags he freezes, staring at the state of the nursery. It's done, it's been done for weeks now, but he still finds himself glancing around the room, looking for things that he hasn't completed. There's nothing. Try as he might to find something, there's nothing at all wrong with the room and he lets out a long, shuddering breath as he realizes their baby is going to be sleeping in this room within just a few days. They're going to stand in this very doorway, right where Joel is standing now, and stare at their baby with wonder and love, and he can't wait. He's terrified and he's nervous and he's never been more excited for anything in his entire life.

Sucking in another deep breath, Joel stands straight with the bags in his hands and this time when he looks around the room he's only pleased by what he sees. This is the life he wants. The one he never imagined he might have. This is everything to him, the baby who'll be here soon, the man waiting for him downstairs. The idea of having it all has always been so foreign to Joel, a joke of an idea, something that's simply not possible, but here he is. Truly on the cusp of having everything he's ever wanted, all the things he never thought he would one day be looking forward to.

He turns and heads back down the stairs, trying not to rush too quickly. It wouldn't be very good for them to have to head to the hospital because Joel has taken a spill down the stairs and broken his ankle. When he meets Spencer at the bottom of the stairs he finds he's grinning and a little breathless even though he's just forced himself not to run.

"We've got everything," he says. "We've checked these bags at least a dozen times." And he has his car keys now, his phone in his pocket, his wallet in the other. He takes one of the cardigans from Spencer, then grins at him, wide and unrestrained before he leans in for a quick, hard kiss. "We're going to have a baby."

And it's been true every day of the last eight months, it's been true since the moment they found out Erin was pregnant, but now it's really here. It's happening to them today and nothing has made it this real. Nothing but hearing Erin's voice coming over the phone, telling Joel she was having contractions has made it feel like this, and his hands are shaking a little, his keys jingling, his nerves completely overwhelming. This is the best moment of his life and he knows it's only going to get better.

He gives Huxley's a quick scratch behind his ears before they lock the door and on the way to the car he dictates a text to Charlotte so she'll know to check on the dog once she closes the store. The text he gets in response is just a bunch of monkeys with their mouths covered, which he shows to Spencer as he throws the bags into the back seat of the car. "I think that means she's excited and that she'll feed and walk Huxley for us tonight," he says, still grinning so widely his face sort of hurts. "But I can't be entirely sure."

[doublethepain]

Spencer is practically vibrating by the time he gets into the passenger seat of the car, both knees rattling nervously as his heels alternate in a tapping pattern against the floor of the car. He has no idea what to do with his hands when he doesn't need to be doing anything with them all, can't decide whether he should leave them in his lap or cross them over his chest or just sit on them, all he can think of is the fact that this is happening. It's really happening, it's not going to turn out to be a false alarm or an overreaction on Erin's part; she's the experienced one, she knows exactly what the signs of going into labor are, and Spencer has asked her about several things he'd read about pregnancies--false contractions being one of them--and she'd only given him a quick, comforting hand squeeze and assured him that not once during the times she'd been pregnant with her sons had she had anything go wrong.

He's read too many horror stories, that's just what he does because he needs the full spectrum of possibilities, and the fact that the baby is three weeks early makes his anxiety over this spike up more than it might have if it'd been closer to the due date--and god, he wishes he'd thought to ask if she'd had her sons earlier than their due dates, he can't believe he hadn't asked that--but Spencer knows that the best thing he can do right now is take a deep breath and choose to believe that everything that could go wrong, won't go wrong.

A few minutes out of the driveway, he reaches out to squeeze Joel's thigh, his grip tighter than it maybe needs to be, and he bites down on his lip in an attempt to stop a smile that he thinks might just end up breaking his face with how big and bright it's threatening to become. The last time he'd smiled like this had been the day they'd gotten married, and Spencer anticipates that there will be just as many tears, likely even more, when they're finally holding their baby in their arms. He hadn't asked about the due dates for her sons, but Erin had told him that both the births had gone very smoothly, that labor hadn't lasted longer than eight hours in either case, and the thought that in another eight hours, they could have their baby is just... Spencer doesn't know what to do with that.

It hits him that he wishes his mother and brother were here. There'd been something in the back of his mind that'd switched on right now, that'd suggested that he needed to call them both right away to tell them the baby is coming, and Spencer hasn't really thought things like that for a long time now. For months after they'd died, Spencer would finish the day with stories of patrons that he'd save to tell to a brother who wasn't here anymore, or he'd walk through a shop and see something his mother would have liked, reaching for it until he remembered he wouldn't be able to give it to her.

It'd taken him nearly seven months to stop referring to them in the present tense, even longer to erase their phone numbers from his Contacts list. The last voicemail from Dane that he'd received had been just short of ridiculous--"Spence, it's your brother and you know it, you don't have to screen my calls. Just call me when you get this because I'm bringing home Thai, tell me what you want before I order something I know you'll hate. Just kidding, I'll get your default but it's your birthday tomorrow so if you wanna try something all new and exciting, y'know, give me a shout. Love you, bye."--and Spencer still has it saved, listens to it every once in awhile when he's really needing to hear Dane's voice, and he wishes so badly that he could tell his brother that he and Joel are naming their son after him.

Dane's ego would inflate, he'd be absolutely unbearable, but Spencer knows he would have made an incredible uncle. He and Charlotte would make a good team, spoiling their nephew at any given opportunity, and Spencer can imagine his mother and Ellie cooing over the baby and offering unsolicited advice about how to best hold her or how often they should be changing his diaper. That's not something he can have, Spencer knows that, and he still has an unsent letter to his grandfather sitting in the desk of the library that he should really throw in the mailbox one of these days, when he's feeling particularly brave about facing the near certainty of that rejection.

Nobody could ever replace his family, but he thinks his mother and brother would be pleased to know that the Bakers had so easily come to treat him as one of their own. He knows that he can be difficult to get to know, but he doesn't know how he could have possibly denied the kindness they've graciously given him. Every time he comes to the house, Brian sits down with him to discuss new book recommendations, reads him excerpts he's saved from some of his most recent favorites, and Spencer wonders if his own father would have joined them had he survived long enough. But, he reminds himself, it's something they can plan to do with their newest family member in the future. He can imagine it, sitting in the library with Joel and their child and Brian, Dane or Rose begging grandpa to tell them more stories, and Spencer has no idea how any expecting parent is expected not to be bawling during each moment leading up to birth because he's very close to doing just that.

"We have to call your parents," he says, fumbling with his phone, though he can't quite concentrate on the task he's just suggested. "Your mother will have our heads if we deliver the news via text."

[just_another]

"That alone seems like a good enough reason to do it," he says, but he knows Spencer is right and as he takes the route he'd planned to the hospital -- the quickest route, the one with the fewest stop signs and lights -- he trusts that Spencer can call his parents to deliver the news. With the way Joel's nerves are right now, he doesn't think he'd be able to handle driving and speaking to his mother on the phone, not when she's sure to practically explode into a flurry of motion. Being unable to see her doesn't mean he won't feel her stress or her excitement and while he loves his mother and appreciates just how thrilled she is for the two of them, he also needs to concentrate on what's going on in front of him right now. He needs to concentrate on Spencer and Erin and their incoming child, which he won't be able to do with his mother giving him instructions and information over the phone.

"We can probably wait until we're a little closer to the birth," he suggests, glancing over at Spencer as he takes a turn. Just up ahead is a sign for the hospital and Joel can feel his heart beating a little faster, knowing just how close they are. It's only a building, but it's the building in which their child is going to be born and soon. When he catches sight of the hospital, when he turns into the lot and finds a parking space, his heart feels like it's suddenly going triple time and he has to take a second to just sit there, his fingers still wrapped around the steering wheel. He's not going to help anyone in this situation by having a panic attack and it's not that he's scared of this, he knows his heart is beating so quickly because he's excited, but it mimics the feeling of a panic attack in a way he doesn't like. That's not how he wants this to begin.

"Okay," he says a second later, then breathes out slowly and opens his eyes so he can look at Spencer. "We'll call my parents once we get inside and figure everything out. They can wait at least that long." It won't take them that long to get here, the drive is really only a few hours, and the baby probably won't even be here by the time they arrive.

Instead of climbing out of the car right away, he leans across the console in between them and reaches to cup the back of Spencer's neck. Smiling, he leans closer, pulls Spencer toward him and presses a slow, sweet kiss against his mouth. The date he'd set up in the back yard is nearly entirely forgotten, because as much as he was looking forward to taking Spencer upstairs after the movie was over and making it so that he couldn't remember how to speak, this is something they've been waiting for even longer. This is one step closer to being the completed family they've known all along they've wanted to be and he knows he never would have been here with anyone else. Spencer is the only person in the world who could bring him to this point.

"We're having a baby," he says again, his lips still brushing Spencer's as he speaks and then he sits back and turns off the car. Given how anxious he had felt only moments before, he feels remarkably calm now and he breathes in deeply and then unbuckles his belt so he can get out of the car. He opens the back door to get the bags, then makes sure the car is locked, the keys in his pocket before he reaches for Spencer's hand. There's a baby seat in the back of their car and he looks at it now, realizing the next time they go anywhere in this car there's going to be a baby in that seat. They'll have to come back to get the carrier later, when it's time for them all to go home and his lower lips nearly trembles.

Home. Soon enough he and Spencer will be taking their baby home.

It's easy enough to find their way to the maternity ward and Joel is pleased they're not heading for the emergency room this time. When they tell the nurse at the desk who they are, they're given a room number, told that there's still probably a fair bit of waiting, but that they can go ahead. Joel has to force himself not to run and instead keeps his hand locked tightly around Spencer's as they walk down the hall toward Erin's room.

"I thought I told you there was no rush." It's the first thing she says when Joel and Spencer appear in the doorway.

"But the baby-" Joel starts, looking faintly sheepish.

"Probably won't be here for another eight hours," Erin says, rolling her eyes fondly at them. Her gaze shifts to Spencer and she says, "I would have expected you to be the more reasonable of the two, but now I'm doubting it."

[doublethepain]

There's too much that Spencer thinks they should do before the baby arrives and not enough time to do them all. He needs to relax, he tells himself, if he keeps spitting out parts of a list they simply can't finish in one evening, he's going to make himself and Joel crazy, and that's not at all what he wants. There's no shame in being nervous about the baby coming, especially not when Erin has gone into labor so early, nobody's going to judge him for feeling like he's overwhelmed with all that's going on his mind right now; but the thing is, he desperately wants to clear his head of everything but what it's going to be like to meet their baby.

He wants to remember this day in the future without having to think back on all the nervous tics that have come with it so far--the foot tapping, the knee bouncing, the fidgeting--because the night had already been shaping up to be absolute perfection, and the news that the baby is on the way has only enhanced it all. So tomorrow or the next day or the next year, Spencer wants to think about this night and remember that he'd been happy, not anxious beyond reason. It's a good thing, then, that Joel tells him a call to Ellie can wait. It's a good thing that Joel takes his deep breaths, that he leads them to the maternity ward, that he asks after Erin's room while Spencer stands beside him, slack-jawed and dazed, to the amusement of the staff on duty.

One of the nurses calls out and waves to them as they pass, and Spencer remembers her from the Joel's brief stay after the demon had been banished--Nora, her name is Nora, and Spencer hopes that she'll have a part to play in the birth of the baby because she'd been nothing short of wonderful--and perhaps it should worry him that they seem to be something close to celebrities with how often they're here, but he has no time to dwell on that. When they burst into Erin's room, both of them breathless even though they'd tried not to rush, it's to a fairly anticlimactic sight. Erin is already in a hospital gown, but she's grinning widely with amusement sparkling in her eyes as she looks them both over.

"I've never been the more reasonable one," Spencer says, which he personally thinks is quite true. Joel has always been the one to keep him grounded, after all, and he's never spent much time thinking about how people outside of the two of them view their relationship but right here and now, he supposes, it doesn't matter. Erin is teasing, it's clear in the way she laughs at what he says, and she waves them closer with one hand as she gestures to a couple of bedside chairs with the other.

"Get over here, come on, everything's fine," she says, and Spencer can instantly feel himself start to relax at the tone of her voice. She always seems to have that effect on him and Joel both, there's something so melodic and soothing about the way she speaks to them that never fails to keep him calm in a situation he might otherwise have been panicking over. He can't say that about very many people, and he gives Joel a quick smile as he squeezes his husband's hand because this is it. There's never been a doubt in Spencer's mind that Erin had been the right surrogate for them, he'd known within the first few minutes of talking to her at the coffee shop, and she's never once given them cause to doubt her. She'd been a true gift to their lives, so generous with her advice on being a parent and what to expect from the day of the birth to the day they get to take the baby home and beyond.

"They didn't find anything wrong with the baby, right?"

It has to be asked. He's clutching at Joel's hand like a lifeline, and he's calmer than he'd been just thirty seconds ago, but it needs to be asked because that's who he is. He can believe, believe, believe, but it doesn't ever sink in until he knows it for a fact.

"The baby is perfect," Erin answers, and Spencer lets out an audible sigh of relief as he lets himself lean back in his chair, his head dropping down onto Joel's shoulder. "My husband should be back soon with some coffee for you two, by the way. It's funny, I got off the phone with you, and he said it before I did, that you'd be here pretty much instantly."

Spencer's cheeks redden at that, though he laughs at the truth of it. "We don't want to risk missing anything," he answers, pausing then reaching out with his free hand to take Erin's. "And we wanted to be here for you, too. You know you're not just our surrogate, right? You've been so good to us, and I-- I don't know what we'd have done if we never met you."

They certainly wouldn't be here right now. It's possible that they may not have even been able to find a surrogate who'd clicked with them as quickly as Erin did, and the thought makes his stomach turn a little because he can't imagine having to wait even longer for their baby to come into their lives. Of course, none of that matters because they are here. He's here, with his husband and a woman who's come to be an incredible friend to their little family that will soon be complete. He'd turned his phone to silent on his way out of the car because nothing could ever compare to this in importance. There's nothing else in Siren Cove that can't wait until they're finally able to call themselves new fathers.

[just_another]

"Well, you don't have to worry about that, right?" she asks, giving Spencer's hand a gently squeeze. "Because you did meet me. You picked me and then I picked you in return."

That is exactly how it had worked and Joel sort of marvels at the idea that it had happened so quickly for them. Given that they first have to pick a surrogate they like and that she then has to agree to help them in return seems like it shouldn't be so easy. He wonders how many couples there are out there who pick a surrogate only to have her decide she doesn't particularly like them for any reason. The thought that it could have happened to them makes him a little sad and he can't really explain why, because it's not as if it matters. They're here already, after all, it didn't happen to them. They had found Erin and she had picked them and everything has worked out perfectly. Thinking about the possible ways in which this could have failed seems completely pointless, especially now that they're right here, in the hospital, waiting for the baby to be born.

He doesn't know how to say any of it, he can only really nod his agreement with Spencer and hope Erin has come to know him well enough to understand that he's not always the best with words. She smiles at him and he smiles back, then looks down at his hand in Spencer's and fidgets slightly. It's going to be a long night, he's aware of that, and he wonders if it might get annoying for Erin, having the two of them and her husband constantly fawning over her. He wonders if he should ask about that, if anyone will be expected to leave the room, because he doesn't think it's fair to ask that of any of them. The baby being born is his and Spencer's, they should certainly be here, but the woman going through all the pain has a husband of her own who clearly loves her very much and he should get to be here as well to help her through. There has been so many papers to sign about this, so many agreements made, but he doesn't think this is something that's ever come up and his brow creased slightly as he thinks about it.

"Jason is going to head home after he comes back with the coffee," Erin says before Joel even has a chance to ask. "We've done this twice before with our kids, so he wants to get back to the boys and make sure everything is as normal as possible for the two of them. He'll be back later, though, when the labour really starts."

And Joel thinks that makes sense. Usually once a baby is born -- as far as he knows from watching TV and movies anyway -- the couple gets to hold their new baby and look at each other like they've never been more in love, and he doesn't know how it's going to feel for Erin. To deliver the baby and then promptly give him away for Joel and Spencer to hold. Having her husband there is important, he thinks, having someone there to be with her in those moments after, because as much as he likes to think he would be thoughtful enough to pay attention to her, he knows himself better than that. He knows he's going to be completely distracted by Spencer and the baby both. At some point over the course of the evening, though, he needs to pull Spencer aside and tell him they need to give Erin some time to see the baby, too. He isn't afraid she's going to get too attached, he isn't afraid it's going to cause any problems. She's been trustworthy from the start and he knows this isn't going to go poorly, and for that reason alone he thinks they need to do this. They can't just rush away with the baby and never see her again for a good number of reason, not the least of which is because Joel already has a feeling they aren't going to want to stop at just one child and she's been a dream surrogate right from the start. But she's more than that, she's their friend, and he wants to make sure she knows she's always welcome to see the baby. He isn't confusing the lines of parenting, he knows Erin will never be the baby's mother, she isn't going to be involved in raising him or her, but children aren't stupid and their child is going to realize fairly early on that two men can't have a baby together. Joel doesn't want there ever to be any confusion as to how they became a family and that means including Erin as best they can.

"That's a good idea," he says to Erin. "I was just going to ask about that."

"You know you don't need to worry about anything, right, Joel?" she asks and her voice always does that to him. It makes him feel as if peace and calm are watching over him, running through his veins and he manages a nod, feeling significantly better than he had only moments before. "Everything is going to work out just fine. Soon you're going to have some much needed coffee and not long after that, you're going to have your much loved baby."

"Sooner than you think," says a voice from the door. "Well, in terms of the coffee, anyway, that's really all I've been tasked with."

[doublethepain]

Any worry that Spencer might be experiencing truly has nothing to do with Erin, there's absolutely no doubt in his mind that she'd support any choice they make in terms of what they want to do with their own child. She's carrying the baby for them, yes, but she's never once spoken like she's entitled to seeing the baby on a regular basis and any parenting tips hadn't come with a condescending tone but a friendly one, the kind that has always made Spencer feel like he'd be able to call her with questions without having her resent the fact that she's not the one raising the baby she's given birth to.

He does want Erin to feel like she can come by anytime, though, and he knows Joel feels the same way. Spencer doesn't know much more about her husband than what she's mentioned here and there, and he's never met her children; they're not going to be the families that see each other during the holidays; they're not going to call her with constant updates about each of the baby's milestones; but she will always be welcome in their home, her entire family would be if she wanted to bring them, and Spencer isn't afraid that one the baby arrives, she'll be hesitant to let him or her go. Erin is here because she'd been the best fit for them, the right fit, literally the only fit so to doubt her at all now would be doing her an enormous disservice. Even through the stress that must comes with going into labor, she beams at them from her bed, a smile so warm and kind that it's enough to convince Spencer that there's nothing about this night that could possibly go wrong.

He and Joel had started out the evening by attempting to celebrate a lost first date, a night that had brought them so much closer together in many ways anyway, and it still feels so surreal to know that they've ended up here. A year ago, the possibility of a real future with someone had only just started to cement itself in his mind and heart. Accepting that he'd found someone who genuinely cares for him, who genuinely wants him, had seemed daunting at first but then, Joel had made it so easy. Joel is what makes standing here slightly less intimidating, slightly less terrifying. Joel is what makes Spencer believe that he just might not mess this up because it's not as if he can ask for a do-over on parenthood.

When they hear a voice from behind them, Spencer actually jumps, gripping Joel's hand tighter because he'd been so lost in thought, so soothed by Erin's words, that he hadn't noticed anyone coming into the room. He smiles when he sees Jason, and they've only met a few times at the beginnings and ends of meetings with Erin, but he's a good man. He would have to be, Spencer supposes, considering he's been so supportive of his wife giving birth to a child for two people she'd never bet before in her life.

"To be fair, it's a very important task," Spencer tells him, taking a coffee with a grateful smile. "You're doing more than we are right now, anyway."

"Well, you're the expecting papas," Jason answers, shooting them both a wink as he hands Joel a cup before crossing the room to Erin's side. "You're going to need all the rest you can get before this baby comes. Isn't that right, honey?"

Jason squeezes her shoulder and leans down to press a soft kiss to the top of her head, and Spencer can't help but smile at the obvious love and affection between them. He hopes that what people see when he and Joel are together but then he thinks that of course it is. Not a second goes by when he's not looking at Joel as if for the very first time he'd realized just how much he loves him.

"He's not wrong," Erin adds, giving Spencer and Joel a pointed look. "There are chairs in here, you know, and the baby won't be here for a few hours yet. You're allowed to sit down and relax for at least five minutes, I promise."

[just_another]

Joel thinks about protesting, about telling her they're here right now to do whatever it is she needs of them, but then he suddenly realizes the excitement and anxiety of the last half hour seem to be catching up with him and there's nothing more his knees want to do right now than unhinge and send him into a sitting position whether he wants it or not. So once he has the cup of coffee in his hands, he lets himself sink into one of the chairs, although he does drag it closer, wincing only a little at the sound it makes as the legs scrape over the floor.

"Sorry," he says, looking faintly embarrassed. "Sorry, I just wanted to be close." And he feels a little silly, but no one seems to be looking at him like he's done something wrong, least of all Spencer, whose opinion is always the one that matters the most. He tugs gently on the other chair, bringing it closer as well, pulling it into place right beside his and then he nods at it, gesturing for Spencer to sit down with him.

Because it really does take a few hours before anything begins to happen. Jason leaves with a promise to return as soon as Erin thinks she needs him and Joel promises to be the one to call him, since he thinks Erin might be a little distracted once the labour actually begins. The nurses are in and out of the room, checking on Erin, noting her vitals, checking how much she's dilated, and it isn't until nearly four hours have gone by that a doctor arrives to administer some painkillers. By this time Joel has asked Erin three times if she's sure she doesn't want him to call Jason just yet and although she'd smiled at him and gently shaken her head the first two times, the third time she'd silenced him with a look that makes it very clear who's in charge and so he shuts up and waits.

He drinks half the coffee, but the rest goes cold as he alternates between checking his phone -- they've called his parents by now and Ellie has promised they're on their way -- and checking on Spencer, though he doesn't know what for. He just walks over to him, touches his shoulder, then makes another circuit of the room, pacing in a way he's sure has to be irritating to both Erin and Spencer, but neither of them ask him to stop, which he appreciates. Right now he isn't sure he could stop. He's too full of anxious energy to sit still for longer than a few minutes.

And it's six hours before Erin finally tells Joel to call Jason, before the nurses call for the doctor, and after Joel makes the call, he looks at Spencer, his eyes going wide. He knows they're going to have a baby, he's known it for nine months and earlier in the evening he'd felt like nothing could make it more real, but suddenly it is. Suddenly it's much more real and he reaches for Spencer's hand as the doctor begins to prepare Erin to push.

"The baby is coming," he whispers, wetting his suddenly very dry lips with the tip of his tongue. "The baby is really coming now, Spencer."

They're going to be fathers. Once she starts pushing, it likely won't take very long at all and it's only they're asked to put on gowns and masks that he realizes it's finally really happening.

[doublethepain]

The waiting is agony.

For the better part of his life, Spencer hasn't had to do much in the way of waiting because he's never really expected anything. Weekends, his birthday, holidays, none of that had ever mattered much to him as a child--save for Halloween, but that had initially been more out of pure fascination than anything else--because as far as Spencer had been concerned, they were still just days. Dane had never really understood his lack of enthusiasm for those things, and Spencer hadn't bothered to explain it because he hadn't quite understood it himself. All he'd known was that when Christmastime came around, he was still the less sociable Waters brother in school and his father was no less dead.

As he'd grown older, he'd started to gain a better appreciation for the fact that he had a family to celebrate with at all. There'd been a girl in high school who'd been called to the principal's office one day during junior year to be told her parents had both been killed in a car accident just outside of town. Even to this day, Spencer remembers stepping out of homeroom and watching her flee from the office, tears flowing freely down her cheeks as she'd ran down the hall with choked sobs echoing off the lockers on either side of her. When he'd learned the reason for it later, he'd gone straight to find Dane to give his brother a rare hug.

He wishes he'd given his family more hugs. He wishes he'd told them he loved them more often or made more of an effort to spend quality time with them outside of going to the movies or what they did at home. There is so much about his life before the murders that he doesn't want to pass down to his child, he never wants his son or daughter to feel like he hadn't loved them enough. With Joel, he think he's made up for a small part of it so far. He loves Joel with more of his heart than he'd ever thought himself capable, loves him so much that sometimes it physically hurts. He'd loved his mother and brother, yes, before Joel he'd loved them more than anything in this world and it's for that reason exactly that he refuses to make the same mistakes with his family again.

He watches Joel pace and says nothing because this is what Joel needs to do. In a strange way, it's comforting, if only because he doesn't think seeing his husband sit still would seem natural. Spencer somehow manages to, though he makes a weak attempt to pass the time by reaching for a book from the bag they've packed. He doesn't read it, he's had his thumb on the same page for nearly four hours now because he's been alternating between checking his own phone and letting Erin do the work in reassuring him, and he's fairly certain that's not at all how it's supposed to work.

Still, in spite of how willing he'd been to stay seated, Spencer is exceptionally quick to jump out of his seat and toss the book aside once Erin asks for Jason to be called. It seems like they've been here forever and yet not long at all, that's how this entire journey to parenthood has felt like, and perhaps under other circumstances, he'd feel terribly silly with the mask and gown on but right now, all he cares about as he clutches his husband's hand and Erin clutches hers is that sooner than he could have thought possible, he and Joel are going to be fathers. They're going to be able to hold their baby for the first time and truly realize that there's an entire future ahead of them that involves the life they're going to be responsible for, and Spencer watches with wide eyes as the doctor urges Erin to push.

It isn't until the baby starts to crown that Spencer feels his knees go weak, and he nearly collapses in a useless pile of parts before he makes it to the chair to lower himself back down.

"You okay?" Erin asks through heavy breaths, and Spencer can't help but bark a laugh because that is the most absurd thing that could have come out of her mouth right now.

"I'm fine, I can't believe you're asking me that," he tells her, and he just needs a moment. Just one moment to collect himself, to breathe, to accept the fact that this is really happening.

"Just one more push, Erin," the doctor says, her tone urgent but soothing in a way Spencer admires so greatly, "you're almost there, you're doing great, just give me one more-- Good, Erin, good!"

Spencer gets to his feet again, one hand clapped over his masked mouth as he watches their baby--their baby, god, their baby--be scooped into the doctor's arms, and he gropes for a solid grip on Joel's arm as he takes one small step forward, arching his neck to get a better look. Erin is grinning as Jason dabs at her forehead, and he thinks she's never looked more beautiful than she does right now but it's with a bit of guilt that Spencer focuses his attention back on the doctor. His heart feels like it's beating a triple speeds, his anticipation skyrocketed, and when the doctor turns to them, he can do nothing but return the broad smile she gives them.

"Congratulations, gentlemen. The baby's a boy."

[just_another]

There's a good ten seconds when Joel worries his legs might give out.

It isn't the blood, it isn't watching Erin give birth, it isn't that he's scared or bothered or upset by any of it. It isn't any of those frustrating stereotypes he's read more than his fair share of over the past eight months. Watching this, being present for the birth of their baby is the greatest gift Joel has ever been given and he clutches Spencer's hand desperately, sure that if he lets go he's just going to float away or end up on the floor or something in between that's equally as useless and he can't afford to be useless right now. He can't be useless because their baby is here. Their son and he needs to be able to be here for Spencer. For the both of them.

For Dane.

The sound he makes is caught somewhere between a laugh and a sob, and he thinks he might be embarrassed, but no one is paying attention to him. He's not even really paying attention to himself. Erin has relaxed wearily in the bed, her eyes closed, her chest heaving, and Jason is murmuring to her, telling her what a good job she's done and Joel wants to agree, but he feels speechless and breathless both. The nurses are moving efficiently around the room, one of them tending to Erin, two of them moving around to bring in a scale to weigh Dane with, blankets to clean and dry him, then wrap him later. There's a little hat, too, and Joel knows it's just to keep him warm, he knows it serves a purpose, but his nose wrinkles at how tiny and adorable it is, because if he doesn't do that, he's afraid he's just going to burst into tears.

He can feel them threatening already and he knows they're going to spill over as soon as he gets to touch the baby. He's making soft noises, nothing like the crying Joel has come to expect, and then he realizes the doctor is using what looks like a tiny suction to pull fluid out of Dane's mouth and his nose. For a second Joel nearly panics before he remembers it's normal, it's to be expected, he's read it in a hundred books and a thousand different articles and then suddenly the baby is crying, hoarse little sobs that aren't very loud at all. Joel's chest tightens and he realizes in that second that he's going to feel this way every time Dane cries for the rest of his life. He's going to worry there's something he could have done to prevent it, there's something more he should have done to make his child happy and he knows these cries have nothing to do with sadness, but his chest does that same tightening anyway.

"I'm going to need one of you to hold him while the other does the cut," the doctor says once Dane is wrapped in a blanket. They still need to clean and weigh him, but he's healthy enough, Joel imagines, if they're asking one of them to cut the umbilical cord. His hands are shaking so badly, he doesn't know if he should be trusted to do either, but he finds he's reaching for the baby and the doctor is placing him gently into Joel's arms without waiting to see if he's ready. He has to be ready. It's happening now whether he's ready or not, and he lets out another soft laugh as the soft weight is placed in his arms. The sound verges on hysterical and he glances at Spencer, but he only manages to look at his husband for a split second before the tears come.

Dane's hair is still wet, but it's dark, plastered against his skin, and Joel feels dizzy with the knowledge that he helped make this tiny person in his arms now.

"Come," the doctor says, gently urging Spencer closer. "It's easy, it won't hurt him or Erin, just cut right here..." And he has to wonder if all the doctors here are this kind, if there's just something about a birth that brings out the best in people. She's treating them so well, she looks quite pleased herself, and since they haven't rushed Dane off into another room, they haven't started looking around with worried expressions, he forces himself to relax and stop worrying. Dane's early, but he's perfect all the same, and Joel is fairly certain he's not going to be able to stop crying.

[doublethepain]

They've been in this hospital more than their fair share of times, there are staff members here who know them by name and who tsk at them every time they walk in now, even if it's just for a routine physical. They're practically regulars, which is an awful thing in itself, but it's also allowed for something remarkable to happen and that is that Spencer trusts the people who work here. Surely there are nurses and doctors and receptionists in this place who aren't as pleasant as the ones he and Joel have dealt with, but Spencer can confidently say that he hasn't met a single one of them.

He thinks of Cody, who'd treated him so kindly and who'd seemed to know exactly what Spencer and Joel both needed after being brought in after the kidnapping; he thinks of Nora, the nurse who had understood so easily that Spencer couldn't possibly leave Joel's side after what had happened with the demon, that same day they'd learned Erin was pregnant; he thinks all the way to the empath who'd helped them after the island and now, as he looks to the doctor as she hands him the scissors before clamping the cord and gesturing for him to proceed. He stares at her for a moment, gaze flickering between his newborn son in his husband's arms and the cord he's meant to cut, and he opens his mouth to say something but finds he's at a complete loss.

"It's alright," the doctor says, offering an encouraging smile, "they'll both be fine, that's a promise."

"You've got a baby to meet, Spence," Erin says, and she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is wet from perspiration, she's still working to catch her breath, her hand is gripping her husband's so tightly that just looking at it almost hurts, but in this moment, Erin is the most beautiful woman Spencer has ever seen.

The nickname might have made him waver another day but not today. Nothing could ruin this, nothing could possibly get deep enough under his skin that this wouldn't remain the best day of his life, and he lets out a nervous laugh before cutting the cord and then letting a nurse take the scissors from his shaking hand. The doctor raises an amused eyebrow at him but there's no mockery in her expression, and Spencer is sure she's probably seen reactions like this hundreds of times by now.

"I'm going to make sure all is well with Erin," she says, putting a hand lightly against Spencer's shoulder and nudging him toward Joel. "Why don't you go say hello to your son?"

"My son," Spencer repeats, eyes widening as they start to burn with unshed tears, and in a bit of a daze, he turns toward his husband and takes the few steps needed to close the gap between them so he can get a better look at the baby boy Joel is holding in his arms. "Oh, my god. Joel, this is our son. Our son, we have a son, we--"

He claps a hand over his mouth because he knows that if he doesn't stop now, he'll just keep repeating it over and over. They're fathers, their baby is here, their son, their Dane, and Spencer hesitates just for a moment before reaching out and rubbing his thumb gently against the baby's hand. Dane's skin is so smooth, his hair so dark and that's what finally proves to be too much for Spencer to handle. Knowing that their child will grow up to look their Joel, like the one person in this world Spencer has ever been willing to give all of himself to, it's overwhelming in every way and as the tears start to fall, he lets his forehead drop down onto his husband's shoulder with another laugh, this one more deliriously happy.

"Dane," he murmurs, wrapping an arm around Joel's waist and pressing his free hand against the one his husband is using to support the baby's back. "I love you. I love you so much, little Junebug, you're perfect." He wants it to be the first thing his child ever hears him say, regardless of the fact that he won't remember it. It's a promise he's made to himself, that he'll never let a second go by without Dane knowing exactly how loved he is, and Spencer lets out a shuddering sob that makes him flush as he wipes his cheek against the sleeve of his shirt then glances back up at his husband. "God, baby, he's so perfect."

[just_another]

Joel is stunned to silence. He's never been the most eloquent person in the world to begin with, but this is something else entirely and as Spencer steps over to join them and says their son's name, wrapping his arms around them both, he feels like he's struggling for air as much as he is for words. He's aware of the fact that he's crying, his face is wet with tears, and he thinks Spencer might be crying, too, but it feels like everything is coming at him from a distance. All he's truly aware of is the weight of the baby in his arms and Spencer's arm around him, the three of them huddled so close. A part of him wants to thank Erin profusely, but he's still unable to speak when he opens his mouth and all he manages is a soft, exasperated sigh at his own inability to speak. Spencer will understand, though, Spencer always understands and he looks at his husband, blinking through tears and sighs again, even as he shrugs and laughs at himself.

"Hold him," he finally manages to whisper and he knows they'll have to give him back soon, that he'll need to be measured and weighed and properly cleaned, but Spencer needs to hold him first. Before he lets any of the doctors or nurses take Dane away, Spencer needs to hold him, and Joel shifts carefully, pressing the baby into Spencer's arms. It's too soon to give him up, he immediately wants him back, but this is important, this is something they need to share and as much as he wants to just be holding Dane for the rest of his life, this is incredible, too. Seeing Spencer with the baby in his arms, this tiny little bundle with dark hair and a little pink face is entirely more than Joel can bear as he feels a fresh wave of tears coming on.

The time when he would have been a much harder man isn't all that far behind him. Without Spencer, he knows he just would have hardened further and further still, pulled the edges of his tough shell up and around himself until it was impossible for anyone to break through. Without this man beside him, he knows this entire life wouldn't be possible. Joel has to credit him with so many of the changes he's made, all the friends he's allowed himself to open up to, all the beautiful, wonderful things in his life would never be possible without Spencer. Not all that long ago, he would never have been able to imagine himself crying openly like this, but here he is, and he can't seem to stop, and he hears a soft chuckle from the bed where he finally turns to look at Erin.

She looks tired and like she might be in a little bit of pain, but she's smiling at them, smiling radiantly, and when Joel looks at her she just shakes her head in amusement. "You know, if I'd ever for a second doubted this decision, which I haven't, by the way, I'd be able to look at the two of you now and know this was the best possible idea in the world." He can only imagine how they must look, the two of them clinging to each other, both of them crying and he laughs when Erin does, shrugging helplessly, because he still mostly feels like he can't do much in the way of speaking. Words are just beyond him. There's nothing he knows that can describe this moment and the happiness he feels.

"Are your parents here yet?" Erin asks and Joel fumbles his phone out of his pocket to check his messages. It's difficult to get the phone open with the gloves he's wearing, but he manages to nod a moment later.

"They just arrived," he says and the doctor and Erin both smile at the news.

"As soon as he's cleaned up and weighed, they'll be able to meet him," the doctor says, offering Spencer a soft smile. "If you're willing to let him go for just a few minutes now."

[doublethepain]

Around this time last year, Spencer had doubted so much about his future. What Mark had done to him, the chances of it destroying whatever relationship he and Joel had been building, Spencer had been terrified of it all. A lifetime of being alone has always been Spencer had quietly accepted and expected for himself, not out of the inability to accept that anyone could possibly love him--though admittedly, that isn't far from what he'd once felt either--but because he'd been so afraid of letting himself love only to lose again. It still makes him sick to his stomach to imagine what things would be like if he were ever to lose Joel. He'd come too close to being the one lost again, too, and he's been trying to resist thinking about the fact that somewhere in this hospital, Roman is lying in a coma that Spencer had caused.

But holding the baby in his arms, Spencer knows what he's known all along: every bit of the pain, every last fear, every second of worrying that his happiness might not last for very long because of whatever curse might have befallen him, it's been worth it because without that, he wouldn't be here. Without the risk, he wouldn't be standing next to this man he loves more than he could ever properly explain. He wouldn't be holding their baby in his arms right now, and he wouldn't be blubbering the way he is, shoulders shaking against the comforting warmth of Joel's body, because Spencer wouldn't have known the beauty in what it means to love without constantly thinking about loss.

Joel has given him this strength, to be a better man and to hope for better things. They've helped each other in ways that nobody else could have done for them, they've been waiting for each other all this time, and it's brought them to this moment. Spencer barely even hears what Erin says, though he manages to tear his eyes from the wet, dark curls that their baby has gotten from Joel--and god, Dane is going to grow up looking like Joel, and Spencer doesn't know if his heart can even take it right now--with a trembling smile as he glances at Joel before carefully taking a step toward her.

"You don't know how much..." Spencer trails off, another sob shuddering through him as he lets out a hiccuping laugh because there are no words to thank her, there's nothing he could possibly say that could encompass all that he's feeling right now, but at the feel of Joel's steadying hand on his back, he thinks that it's alright to be at a loss for words right now. Nobody expects him to be levelheaded, not while holding his newborn son, and he shifts just slightly so Erin can get a better look at the baby. "We're calling him Dane, we told you that, right? It's a good name, don't you think?"

Erin smiles softly, and Spencer can see out of the corner of his eye that the doctor does, too. This town isn't known for keeping gossip to a minimum, and he's hard-pressed to find anyone who doesn't know what's happened to his family; but over the course of the past year, he's come across people who treat him sensitively for it rather than cruelly. He'd been setting the bar at Eli Jasper for years and that had been his first mistake. People are still cruel, to be sure, but there are others that are so much more generous with their kindness that sometimes, it makes Spencer want to cry with how grateful he is. It's fortunate then, that he's already crying now.

"It's a good name," Erin agrees, reaching out to graze the baby's tiny hand, "and he's gorgeous, just like his dad."

Spencer nods, though he panics a little when the doctor gently asks to take the baby, and his gaze flickers between Dane and Joel until he manages to take a deep breath and nod, reluctantly transferring the baby into a nurse's arms then dropping his arms uselessly at his sides. It already feels strange, not holding him, and Spencer desperately wants Dane back but for the moment, he settles for retreating back to his husband's side.

"We should probably find Ellie and Brian, hmm?" he asks. "Before they tear the place apart looking for us first."

[just_another]

"We'll get him cleaned up and weighed and measured," the nurse promises as the doctor returns her attention to Erin. Joel flashes her a smile again and he doesn't want to leave her, but he knows this is an unusual situation, that things aren't quite the same as they would be if Erin was going to be taking Dane home. There's a part of Joel that almost wants to panic at that, that wants to sit down and figure out the logistics as they stand right now, because he and Spencer don't require a hospital room, it's not necessary for them to stay overnight, but he doesn't know if the doctor is going to be willing to release Dane right away either. He's still a little bit of an early arrival and Joel wants to figure out the details right now, but he knows that's ridiculous. Everything will work out just fine, they're not going to force Joel and Spencer to leave their new baby completely unattended in the hospital for days. Something will be worked out for them.

"By the time you get back here with your parents, Dane will be ready to meet them," the nurse promises as she hustles away with the baby, and Joel feels something clench tight in his chest. It's enough to cause him physical pain and he lifts his hand, rubbing two fingers against his breastbone before he's finally able to look away. He reaches for Spencer's hand, threading his fingers with his husband's before he forces himself to take a deep breath and head for the door. Everything is going to be just fine, they're not going to be separated from Dane forever if they allow the nurses to clean him up.

But he still can't quite seem to catch his breath as he and Spencer head toward the waiting room to collect his parents. His chest feels tight and he keeps glancing back down the hall as if he can hope to catch a glimpse of Dane. They've taken him away, though, somewhere to do everything they need to do, and Joel's heart is pounding hard enough in his chest that it actually hurts. What if they've decided they're not good enough for the baby? What if they're decided Erin has to keep him, Joel and Spencer can't possibly be allowed to raise him? What if they're going to take him away?

He's in the midst of opening his mouth to voice these concerns to Spencer -- even though he knows he shouldn't -- when he's hit hard from the side, a pair of very thin, very strong arms wrapping around his midsection and tightening enough that his breath whooshes out of him with a loud sound.

"Are you daddies?" Charlotte asks, tilting her head up, her chin against Joel's shoulder. "Is it a boy or a girl? What did you name it? I want to know everything. I want to meet it. I want to stop referring to your baby as an it, so you better start spilling the details really soon here, brother, or something violent might happen."

She punches Joel's shoulder anyway as she releases him, then smiles sweetly when Ellie and Brian join them.

"Ow," he protests, rolling his shoulder, unwilling to let go of Spencer's hand even long enough to rub the place she's punched him. With his family here, suddenly all those worries that had been plaguing him for the walk down the hall seem to have disappeared. "We have a little boy. Dane."

[doublethepain]

The only reason Spencer is moving is because if he doesn't, Joel will only end up dragging him down the floor of the hall. Having to let Dane be taken out of his arms is already the hardest thing he's ever had to do, and he feels a bit numb in spite of the fact that he's sure it won't be long before he gets to see his baby again. Nobody had warned him it would be like this, that the pure elation that comes with meeting his child for the first time would be followed by such irrational terror so quickly after--or maybe they had, and he simply hadn't been able to understand it until now.

There's nothing to be worried about, he reassures himself, and he thinks that maybe he should say that out loud because if he knows his husband as well as he's sure he does, Joel will be having the same kinds of thoughts. It's all procedure, it's normal, but then again, Dane had been three weeks early and that's not necessarily normal. The doctor hadn't looked worried and neither had any of the nurses, but they're trained professionals. Still, they'd have been more urgent if there was a chance something could be wrong. They wouldn't have let Joel and Spencer have their moment with their newborn son, wouldn't have teased and smiled and laughed... At least, Spencer hopes not.

All these thoughts distract him to the point that he barely notices Charlotte's approach, even after he stumbles along with Joel as she crashes into her brother, but after a moment, he manages to give her a dazed smile. That's the best way he can really describe himself right now, dazed, because all of this feels like some kind of dream that he's worried he'll wake up from at any moment.

When he'd been under Roman's thumb last month, he'd dreamed of a little girl. Their little Rose, perfectly content in the nursery they'd tailored, and he'd dreamed of her more than once. Every time he'd been forced back awake into that living nightmare, it's what he'd held onto and he'd meant what he said to Joel they day he and Davin had escaped that warehouse--his husband and their future child, they'd been what had kept him alive. Being here now, in the hospital for something good for the very first time, it seems so much more unreal than any of those dreams ever had.

"Dane," Charlotte's repeating, and Spencer shakes himself back into sharper vision and a clearer head as he catches the softened smile she gives him. "After your brother. I like it."

"It's perfect," Ellie adds, stepping closer to press a kiss to Joel's cheek, then to Spencer's.

Brian follows soon after, gathering them both in a massive bear hug as he sniffles and quite suddenly, he and Joel are being surrounded by all three of the Bakers, every single one of them giving up on trying to hold back their tears.

"Ellie, we're grandparents," Brian says, wiping his sleeve over his eyes. "You know what this means, don't you? We're old geezers. Past the point of no return."

Ellie scoffs at that, giving her husband a light smack, though there's no missing just how happily she's beaming. It's all so bizarre, Spencer thinks, though in the best possible way he could have never imagined. Even after he'd been certain after just a couple months that Joel would be the man he'd want to spend the rest of his life with, Spencer hadn't quite been able to dream up anything like this. There's a warmth in his chest that he's not sure will ever go away now that it's there because while Spencer has known loss, while those losses will never stop affecting him, he's fortunate enough to say that he's been given a second chance at having a family.

Their son will know loving grandparents and an aunt who will surely do nothing but spoil him, and Spencer wishes that his mother and brother could be here for this but Dane won't grow up knowing nothing about the Waters side of his name--and Spencer hopes he'll feel like he can be proud of it.

"He's beautiful," Spencer says, laughing shyly when he realizes that's the first thing to come out of his mouth since they'd all come together. It's the truth, though, and he looks to Joel with a trembling bottom lip as tears form his his eyes again. "They said it won't be long before you all can meet him, but god, he's-- He's just so beautiful. He's going to grow up looking just like Joel, I'm not even sure my heart will be able to take it."

[just_another]

"Oh, dear god, he looks like Joel?" Ellie asks and she's being a little over the top, Joel thinks, in the way she presses her hand against her chest like it physically pains her to hear that. But maybe they're all being a little ridiculous, he realizes, their adrenaline, their excitement, all of it bubbling over and ending up with this interaction, all five of them reacting in their own ways to this amazing news. "If he looks like Joel, you're absolutely doomed, Spencer. You have no idea how hard it was to look at a little boy with those big eyes and curls and tell him no whenever he was being bad. You're probably going to have to leave all the discipline to Joel, he'll won't be quite as affected by someone who looks just like him, but you're going to be in terrible trouble."

"Ugh, he looks like Joel," Charlotte says, rolling her eyes playfully. "That's seriously disappointing."

"Charlie," Ellie snaps and Charlotte's eyes widen as if she's just been terribly reprimanded.

"What?" she asks. "It is disappointing. Have you seen Spencer and Erin together? They'd make like, a model perfect child with those cheekbones and their jaws. Joel's fine or whatever, it's not like he's hideous, but Spencer is way better looking. I mean, no offense," she adds a second later, catching sight of the incredulous expression Joel is wearing. Not because he's bothered by his sister saying he's not hideous, but because he's surprised to hear her say Spencer is better looking. He agrees with her entirely, he thinks Spencer is far more beautiful a man than Joel really deserves, but he's just never heard Charlotte say anything like that.

"Well, she's certainly not wrong," he says a second later, when he finally feels like he's actually caught up with the conversation. Most of his mind is still back there with Dane and he finds he's having a hard time following what everyone else is saying, but at this he reaches down and takes hold of Spencer's hand squeezing it lightly. "I would have been more than simply just doomed if he looked like Spencer."

"Well, I'm sure you made a beautiful baby," Ellie says, as if she still has to defend her son and he laughs, suddenly feeling lighter and better and happier than he thinks he ever has before.

"I think we did okay," he agrees, but he's still looking at Spencer. Maybe it isn't traditional, maybe Dane isn't biologically part of both of them, but that doesn't matter. They're both going to love him with all their hearts and he's always going to know it. He's never going to doubt that his daddies adore him, would do anything for him, will protect him and support him and hold his hand when he needs them to. No matter what he looks like, no matter who he takes after, no matter what sort of personality quirks he develops, he's theirs and nothing will ever change that.

"Come on," he says, moving back in the direction of the room. "The doctor said you can all meet him once they get him cleaned up and weighed. She said it would only take a few minutes, so they're probably all ready for us by now." And he knows his mother has to practically be itching to hold the baby if her expression is anything to go by. He's not sure he's ever seen anyone look quite so impatient.

And so he leads them back toward the room they've been assigned. Erin has been moved by the time they get there, likely to recovery and he wishes they could see her again, but he knows they'll have to give her some time to herself. She's given then such a great gift and he's so grateful to her, but he also knows she's been through a lot in the past day and a half.

"Where is he?" Charlotte demands, looking around the empty room. "I was promised an adorable nephew and I don't see a damn thing."

"He's here," the nurse says as she comes back into the room, wheeling a little bassinet in front of her. In it Dane is swaddled in a little white sheet that's covered in tiny yellow stars and Joel feels himself tearing up all over again just at the sight of him.

[doublethepain]

Spencer can't help the way his cheeks flush red when Charlotte say she's better looking and makes mention of his jaw and cheekbones. These are things he's never really considered about himself because before Joel, his appearance hadn't been much of an issue. His husband claims that he's seen people looking at Spencer when they walk down the street sometimes, but Spencer always just counters that he's sure they must be looking at Joel. He doesn't necessarily think of himself as ugly, he couldn't possibly when Joel tells him all the time that he's beautiful and there's not a word yet that's come out of Joel's mouth that's been a lie, but Spencer can't recall a single time that he's looked in the mirror and felt more than moderately satisfied that he didn't look like too much of a mess to be in public.

Well, save for the days after Mark's attack and then Roman's, but Spencer can hardly be blamed for looking like a disaster after spending so much time having fists thrown at his face.

"We did just fine," he says quickly, nodding in agreement with Joel, and he knows that Charlotte's only teasing but Spencer is eager to move on with the conversation because he doesn't want to draw attention to how pink his cheeks still are. "Better than that, actually, he's the most gorgeous little boy I've ever seen."

Saying that seems to settle him a bit, funnily enough, and he lets out a little sigh as his shoulders relax at the thought of having Dane in his arms again. That added weight had been everything he hadn't known he was missing in his life and there's nothing more he wants than to hold his newborn again. Granted, he might not be holding Dane for very long at first because he knows that their family will want to get their hands on him, too, and Spencer can hardly deny Dane's grandparents and aunt the right to fuss over him. There's already a flash of parental worry that it'll all be too much, that their tiny son will be too overwhelmed by all the attention, but he takes a deep breath and reminds himself that he and Joel are the ones calling the shots here.

The second the nurse comes through the door, rolling the baby into the room, Spencer is certain that he'll never remember how to breathe again. He gropes for Joel's hand and takes a step toward the bassinet, his free hand covering his mouth as he nods along with the stunned gasps he hears on either side of him. Only he and Joel are moving, both of them having approached the bassinet now, and Spencer lets out a cross between a laugh and a sob as he reaches out to brush his thumb against Dane's cheek.

"Oh, god," he murmurs, pulling his hand back as it starts to tremble. "Oh, god, Joel, our son." He turns his head to look at Ellie and Brian, both of them wide-eyed as they finally find it in themselves to move so they can peer at the baby, then at Charlotte, who seems to be frozen in place, though her neck is craned for a better look.

"This is our son," he continues, "your grandson, your nephew. See the hair, the curls? He's gorgeous, isn't it?"

"I take back everything I said about it being a disappointment that he looks like Joel," Charlotte says, ignoring her mother's tsk of disapproval that it should be brought up at all, and she looks up at Spencer and Joel with wide eyes. "Do we get to hold him? I mean, he's so little, is it okay?"

Spencer ducks his head to smile, refraining from telling Charlotte that even if the nurse were to tell him it might not be the best of ideas, there'd be nothing in this world that could stop him from holding his son. "He's three weeks early so it's to be expected that he's smaller."

"Five pounds, three ounces, to be exact," the nurse comments, smiling up at them as they all look at her, Spencer a bit guiltily because he'd forgotten she was there at all.

"My god," Ellie says, shaking her head in awe, "Joel was a little over seven pounds when he was born and even Charlotte was about six. Five pounds, I can't believe it. Can you believe it, Brian?"

"He's healthy," the nurse continues, "no complications that we were able to detect. Congratulations, gentlemen, your baby boy has a clean bill of health."

[just_another]

This entire time, Joel has been trying to convince himself that nothing is wrong. If something had been wrong, if Dane was ever in any sort of danger, he's sure the doctor and nurses would have been much more frantic. If he'd been sick or born far too early, they wouldn't even have let Joel and Spencer hold him for the time they'd been allowed before whisking him away, he knows all this, but at the same time he hadn't quite been able to convince himself. Hearing the nurse say it for the first time sends a wave of relief through Joel so powerful that for a moment he feels like he might actually lose his footing. His knees threaten to unhinge, but he manages to keep his balance by tucking his hand around Spencer's arm and holding onto him for a moment until the feeling passes. Then he's staring at Dane, staring down at his perfect little face wrapped up in the blanket, and he doesn't think he's even aware of the rest of the room. Spencer is beside him, he can feel the heat from his husband's arm, but besides that, it's only their baby. Dane is the only thing he can see, the only thing he can focus on, and he feels his heart beating faster, but this time it isn't due to fear or anxiety, he's just full of love and overwhelmed by emotion that he can't seem to respond in any other way.

"Can I hold him?" Charlotte asks, the first to break the silence, and Joel looks at her with a smile. He hadn't been sure if she would be afraid to pick him up or if she would immediately decide she's an expert at holding babies. With his sister, he's never quite sure if she's going to end up on one extreme end of the spectrum or the other, but it's always an extreme. Charlotte never does anything halfway and it's part of what he's always admired about her. She's brave in ways Joel has never been.

"Yeah," he says. "Of course you can hold him."

Dane is still blinking sleepily and Joel knows he's far too young to be able to focus on anything, but he still likes to know the baby is maybe already beginning to recognize the shapes and sounds that make up him and Spencer. He makes a soft little gurgling sound when Charlotte picks him up and she does so with the ease of someone who really is comfortable holding babies, although he can't remember a time when she might have had any reason to hold a baby. Still, she cradles Dane expertly, smiling down at his face and touching one finger gently to the tip of his tiny nose.

"Hi, Dane," she says, her voice soft. "I'm your Aunt Charlotte and any time your stupid dads won't let you do something fun, that's where I come in. Or probably Coop, I bet he's going to try and take over the fun uncle thing from me, but I met you first. You remember that when he swoops in with the fancy house on the beach and all his puppies. I met you first."

"Hey, this stupid dad is letting you hold his baby," Joel protests, but he's laughing anyway, mostly because he thinks Charlotte is probably right. She and Coop are going to have to fight over who gets to do all the fun things with Dane, like fill him up with sugar and get him really hyper before sending him home. He's sure they'll both find ways to make it possible.

"And not for much longer, it's my turn," Ellie adds, holding her arms out for Dane. "You can only deprive a grandmother of holding her first grandchild for so long before she turns nasty and I don't care if we're in a hospital, I will whip out the magic if that's what it takes to get him into my arms."

"Oh my god, here," Charlotte says, rolling her eyes as she carefully passes the baby along to Ellie. "You'd think I'd been hogging him for an hour or something instead of thirty seconds."

[doublethepain]

"We'll let him do fun things," Spencer protests, pushing out his bottom lip just slightly into a pout as he feigns dismay. "We'll teach him to read as soon as he's old enough, reading is fun."

Charlotte merely glares at him for a moment before gently transferring the baby to Ellie's arms, and Spencer can't help to break back into a smile at the way his sister-in-law coos at Dane, reaching out to brush her thumb over Dane's cheek before Ellie turns away from her to show him to Brian. Charlotte is one of the boldest young women Spencer has ever met, and she's been like this from the moment he'd met her so there's very little she can say or do that gets a genuinely stunned reaction out of him anymore; but he has to admit that in spite of the way she seems to prefer to roll her eyes over anything meant to be touching, in the moments that count, Charlotte doesn't take what's important for granted.

They'd shared a moment together about a month after the demon had been expelled and Erin had revealed her pregnancy. Joel had stepped out, just to pick something up for lunch to bring back to the store, and Spencer had been making use of the lull in the afternoon to make sure the books on the shelves were properly alphabetized. Charlotte had walked up to his side after a moment of watching from the counter and given him a small, crooked smile before saying, "I'm glad he met you. And that I didn't have to give the 'you break his heart, I break your neck' speech."

Spencer had blinked back at her, silent for a beat until he'd managed to whisper, "Me, too" before Joel had walked back into the store.

This is the family he'd never imagined he'd have, the one he'd been certain was forever lost to him long ago, but here they are. Ellie, Brian, and Charlotte may be his in-laws but they treat him as one of their own, as if he'd belonged with their family all along, and Spencer bites down hard on his lip to keep himself from letting out the little whimper that's building in his throat as he slips his arm around Joel's waist just to make sure they're both still going to be able to stand upright.

"You're all welcome to spoil him as much as you'd like," Spencer says, proud that his voice only slightly wavers, though it's not as if any one of his family members would bother to wait for permission for such a thing. They'd all been doomed long before Dane had actually been born, at least if the baby shower had been any indication, and it still feels so surreal that their baby is finally here. He scrubs a hand over his face and lets out a little laugh, shaking his head when Ellie and Brian give him a curious glance.

His face flushes a bit as he fixes his gaze on Joel, always on Joel because it's when he's most comfortable, and shrugs sheepishly. "It feels like we've waited forever for Dane to come," he says, "and now that he's here, it's even more incredible than I thought it'd be."

[just_another]

It's incredibly surreal, watching his family with Dane, watching his mother hold the grandchild she'd always wanted, the one he was sure he would never be able to give her. Ellie had made no secret about wanting grandchildren, but Joel had given up on finding anyone to spend his life with a very long time ago and at twenty-two, Charlotte cheerfully announces she's still far too young to be thinking about any of this, which is a sentiment Brian generally seems to agree with. Joel suspects it's Charlotte's way of just avoiding the conversation altogether, because while he thinks his sister would make a great mother, he's also not entirely sure it's something she wants for herself, which is a fair choice and one she has to make for herself. In a way, Joel thinks he and Spencer may have taken the pressure and expectations off her a little, because he has a feeling his mother is going to spend the next few years very distracted by Dane.

He smiles when Spencer's arm goes around him and he wraps his arm around his husband in return. Shifting, he leans in and presses a kiss against Spencer's temple, resting his lips against his hair and just holding himself there for a moment. This is where he's most comfortable, as always, wrapped up with Spencer, and this is where he needs to be at the moment. They're surrounded by their loving family, but being with Spencer is what he always wants, especially in moments like this, when his emotions feel like they might overwhelm him at any given moment.

"It does feel a little... it feels surreal," he agrees with a soft breath of laughter, turning his head again so he can face his family, his arm still around Spencer, keeping him close. "In a good way, of course. It's just... it's like Spencer was saying, it feels like we've been waiting for this for such a long time. Getting ready for it, building the nursery, the parties, all the stuff Spencer bought and I returned," he continues, gently teasing before he heaves a giant, helpless sigh. "I can't believe he's finally here. He's finally real."

He understands how the development works, how the baby grows before he's born, but at the same time this is far more real to him than ultrasounds had been. Hearing Dane's heart beating for the first time is the only thing that comes even remotely close to this, but even that isn't the same. Not nearly as real as being able to reach out and touch Dane's soft little cheek, which he does without moving away from Spencer.

"Don't worry, he's going to start feeling very real, very quickly," Ellie assures him with a laugh as she cradles Dane gently and rocks him back and forth. He's still staring up with wide eyes, but after a moment they start to droop sleepily and Joel would swear his heart actually swells with how adorable their baby looks, drifting off to sleep in his grandmother's arms.

"I can't wait to take him home," he says softly, squeezing Spencer against him. "I can't wait to put him in his car seat and show him his nursery and introduce him to the animals." He's a little nervous about how excitable Huxley might be, but the dog has proven to be smart enough, even if he is a little prone to jumping up on things he shouldn't, and Joel thinks they can teach him fairly quickly how he's expected to act around the baby.

[doublethepain]

Spencer knows Ellie is teasing, that the baby won't be staying this quiet for long, especially not once they get him home and into an entirely new environment, but he's not as worried as he could be. That will likely change the second the doctor tells them they're free to go and even at just that thought, Spencer has to do a mental review of whether the car seat they've got set up in the back of the car hasn't reached its expiration date--of course it hasn't, they'd only bought it a couple months ago--or that the nursery really is completed, which it has been for weeks now. They keep putting extra touches on it, but it's done, it's ready for Dane whenever he can go home, and Spencer lets the image of putting their baby in his crib for the first time soothe him.

This is only the beginning. Their baby is barely an hour old, but he's the most beautiful thing Spencer has ever seen, save for the man standing right next to him. It'd been life-altering enough to realize that he'd never have to go another day--at least, not voluntarily--without waking up to his husband; but now, they'll be sleeping with Dane right next to them in the bassinet attached to the bed, and Spencer has been building himself up mentally to prepare for being woken in the night by the baby's crying, but he's made a promise to himself not to let any of it get to him.

That they have a baby now to wake them up at all is the best gift they'll ever be given, and they owe so much to Erin for allowing them to have this, for choosing them to carry a baby for when Spencer is sure there are so many other deserving couples like them who are still looking for the right surrogate. In spite of all the things that have gone wrong over the past year, the more important things have gone right. He's standing here with a husband who loves him and and their child, this perfect little boy that they've been waiting for, and everything just feels settled. Everything feels right.

"If Huxley doesn't try to cuddle right up to him, I'll be shocked," Spencer says, grinning at his husband before lowering his head to rest it on Joel's shoulder. Already, he can feel his eyelids getting heavy, and he knows he has little right to be so tired when all they've been doing is waiting all these hours while Erin had done all the hard work, but he's feeling the adrenaline of new fatherhood slowly draining. His heart is still pounding with this brand new love that's flooding the room he's been making for his child, but Spencer is barely even aware of it as his eyes flutter for just a couple seconds before he's called out on it.

"You just had the actual most perfect baby boy in this universe, and you're about to fall asleep?"

It's Charlotte, of course it is, and Spencer's eyes fly open as he lifts his head from Joel to give his sister-in-law a sheepishly surprised look. Brian is cooing over the baby, though Spencer can see the slight smirk on his face, and Ellie only gives him a warm, knowing look that Spencer thoroughly appreciates because if nothing else, it makes him feel like he's not the only parent who's been ready to collapse after meeting his newborn.

"I'm not falling asleep," Spencer says, lifting his chin up in defiance. "I left my glasses at home, and I'm resting my eyes. That's all."

[just_another]

"Hey, it's been a long night," Joel says to his sister, digging his phone out of his pocket so he can check the time. It's nearing midnight and he has no idea how that much time has passed already when it seems like only minutes ago he and Spencer were in their backyard with a movie playing on that giant screen he'd had set up. He cringes faintly, hoping it's been left alone, that no one has touched it or the projector he hasn't given a second thought since they were called to the hospital. If something has happened to it, he'll deal with it later, because there's nothing in the world as important as this moment right now and he grins as he looks over at Spencer again, then shakes his head in amusement.

"What?" Charlotte asks, as if he might be making a joke at her expense. "What's so funny?"

"It's nothing," Joel tells her. "It's just... a year ago and a week ago tonight Spencer and I were supposed to go see a movie on the boardwalk together. Our first date." He knows he doesn't need to put into words what actually happened, his parents and his sister all know what happened on that first date instead of the actual date so he doesn't see any point in drawing it out and telling the whole awful story again. Not when tonight is full of such celebration and so much happiness. It's just funny in a way, drawing parallels to the fact that they've been interrupted all over again, though this time it's for a much better reason. There's nothing Joel wants more in the world than to just have his family together and tonight it had happened. "I was trying to recreate the whole thing tonight. I rented a projector and a screen to put up in the yard. We were finally going to get that first outdoor movie date."

"And it got interrupted again," Charlotte finishes for him, but she's smiling. "A hell of a good reason to have your first movie date interrupted, though. You got a way better outcome than any date could ever have. Unless you were gonna bang, which you probably were, so... I don't know. You wanted the baby, so that's still probably the better outcome. Plenty of time for banging in the future."

"Charlotte, please," Ellie says, closing her eyes as if her daughter is causing her physical pain and Joel would laugh, but the longer his sister speaks, the redder his cheeks get and he lifts his free hand to rub at one unconsciously, as if he can rub away his blush. That isn't how he had intended the conversation to go, but he should know better whenever Charlotte is around, that she's not only going to know exactly what Joel's plans are whenever it comes to spending time alone with Spencer, but that she'll also be perfectly comfortable saying them out loud in an attempt to embarrass him. It's not at all that he's ashamed of the incredible sex life he and Spencer share, but he likes to keep it just between the two of them. It's special and it's private and he doesn't want to talk about it with anyone else.

He's about to chime in that no one needs to hear all that when the doctor arrives in the room, giving Spencer and Joel a bright smile.

"How's everyone doing in here?" she asks, crossing to where Brian is holding Dane so she can check on him. "Sound asleep, just as he should be. We've got some bottles prepared for him when he wakes up, because he's going to want to eat right away, but we need to discuss what we're going to do for the next day or so. Now there's nothing at all to be worried about, Dane is perfectly healthy and he's only three weeks early, so he's technically still a full term baby, which is good news. Because he's a couple of weeks early, though, I would feel safer keeping him overnight to keep an eye on him. It's not likely any complications will arise, but it's better to be safe when it comes to early births."

[doublethepain]

Though less so than before, it can still be a bit of a struggle for Spencer to keep himself from getting lost in memories of the night of the lighthouse. He can see the brief flicker in both Ellie and Brian's eyes and though he appreciates that what had happened to Amy had changed so much of their lives, too, Spencer doesn't think he could ever really talk to them about what had happened. It's not as if it hadn't been in the papers, though not with all the gory details because Spencer had avoided the reporters' calls like the plague, and he's sure that Joel has told him whatever he'd been willing; but none of them have ever brought it up with each other because there's very little that can be said.

Apologies are useless when it's none of their faults, after all, and hashing it out when it's more than a year passed wouldn't do any of them any good. Spencer has had his panic over the incident, and Joel has always been the one there to talk him down. That day he'd had an attack in the library after Raleigh had broken a glass, Joel had been the only one who could have brought him back to a calmer state. He's yet to experience something like that because of what had happened with Roman, but Spencer would like to think that after New York and becoming a father, his mind will leave no room for anything resembling panic unless it's over what the baby wants when he starts to cry.

Of course, the fact that Charlotte brings up sex makes it easy enough for Spencer to keep his mind of Mark and the lighthouse, too. He suspects that none of them could ever forget when she'd walked in on Spencer with his lips around Joel's cock in the bookstore, and the way she'd pointedly looking at him now is enough evidence of that. He's scrambling in his mind for something to say, any retort at all that can be spoken without a stutter, but he looks to Joel with wide eyes as his cheeks start to flush a deep red.

That the doctor walks in at that moment is something Spencer wants to thank her profusely for, but he settles for a soft sigh of relief as he lets his forehead briefly drop down against Joel's shoulder before turning his attention back to the doctor.

"You're sure it's only a precaution?" he asks, bouncing slightly on his heels as he tightens his arm around Joel. It's a nervous habit, one that he knows his husband is more than familiar with by now, and he looks from the doctor to the baby to his husband and back, all the while biting down on his lip. "I mean, we'll obviously stay as long as you think is necessary if it means Dane will be healthy, I just-- I want to know with certainty that our son is okay."

The doctor offers him a gentle smile, one that soothes him well enough because she hasn't yet presented herself as the type to treat the truth lightly or to keep anything as important as this from them. If something was wrong with Dane, they'd already know, Spencer's sure of that; he just needs to be reassured.

"Dane is going to be out of this hospital and at home where he's supposed to be in no longer than a day or two," she says. "Now, there's always the chance for complications, but I can tell you that in our evaluation of him so far, he's in good health. The early birth is what has him looking so tiny, he's at 5.2 ounces right now, but that's what the bottles are for. Once you're able to start feeding him, I'm confident that he'll gain more weight in no time."

[just_another]

Dane is small, that's impossible to miss, but Joel doesn't feel any of that worry that had been nearly overwhelming him not much earlier in the night. The doctor has been forthright with them from the start and he knows if something was seriously wrong with Dane, he wouldn't be here in the room with them. The nurse wouldn't have allowed him to be passed around the room, one person after another holding him carefully, not if there was any risk to him. Every single time they've been in this hospital -- and Joel has to admit that's probably been more than the average person -- the doctors and nurses have been wonderful with them. The number of witches on the staff is probably a lot higher than anyone realizes, but the fact that no one has reacted to any of their injuries or stories in any extreme way has made it easier for Joel to trust them. Maybe there are poor nurses here, maybe there are rude doctors, but so far they haven't run into any of them and for that Joel is extremely grateful. Especially here and now, when it comes to their baby, the most important thing they've ever done.

This is where Joel would be comfortable demanding the best care, actually being bold and expressing himself with confidence if he had to, but he's glad it doesn't come to that. The doctor cares about them and she cares about their baby and if Dane is her primary concern, then she's more than alright by Joel. So when she says there's really nothing to worry about, that keeping him here is just a precaution, he believes her. The anxiety has slowly seeped away, leaving him tired and happy, but no less attentive to her words as she explains that he's small and that he'll need to eat and gain some weight, but Joel is confident they won't have trouble there. All he wants right now is to feed Dane for the first time, to hold their baby in his arms and give him the bottle and see what happens.

"Good," he says with a nod, squeezing his arm gently around Spencer. "Good, I'm glad to hear that. We'll do whatever we need." Even if it means staying awake for another week without sleep, even if it means they have be here for much longer than just a day or two. There's nothing the doctor could say to either of them now that would be too much or be something they looked at as being too difficult, Joel knows this for a fact. He knows this without having to ask Spencer, he knows it without having to ask himself. He's met Dane less than an hour ago and already he knows that the two of them will do everything they can to make sure nothing ever happen to him. That he's safe, that he's loved, that he's protected and cared for.

"What you can do first is get some sleep," the doctor suggests, although her expression says she already knows what sort of answer she's going to get. "Even if you sleep in shifts. One of you is welcome to stay here, but the other should really go home and sleep a little."

Joel understands the common sense in what she's suggesting, he knows it would be the right thing to do, but he can't sleep without Spencer. His insomnia isn't as bad as it once was, but that's only due to the fact that Spencer is beside him in bed every night and the only time they've been apart had been to Joel's own stupidity and then Roman, the man Joel still thinks he might kill with his own two hands if he were to get the chance. Without Spencer, he tosses and turns, he stares at the ceiling, he tries every relaxation technique he's ever known, but none of them work, because his husband is by far the most comforting presence he's ever known.

"I don't think I'd get much sleep if I went home alone now," he says honestly. He suspects the same can be said of Spencer.

"Somehow I thought you'd say that," the doctor answers with a sigh, but she's still smiling faintly. "We don't have a private room available right now, but there is a shared room with a bed in it. We're willing to put you three there overnight as long as you both promise to get some sleep so that you're somewhat coherent in the morning."

"I can promise that," Joel answers instantly, though he suspects he really won't sleep much at all. Not if Dane is beside them in his little bassinet, sleeping away and utterly perfect.