Joel Waters-Baker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
just_another) wrote2014-11-17 11:14 am
just_another) wrote2014-11-17 11:14 am
November 25 (tw: talk of violence, demon stuff)
Right now, lying in this hospital bed, Joel has no idea how he feels.
He suspects, in a disconnected way, that's at least partly due to the painkillers and sedation the doctors had been forced to give him when he'd desperately fought them. Everything had still felt so wrong. Everything. He had been hurt and Spencer had been hurt. Even Coop had been hurt. He doesn't know what state Les and Nerium are in, he can't remember. They had put him on the stretcher and he'd seen Spencer on another bed and everything inside him had screamed against letting himself be separated from Spencer again.
They'd sedated him. Strapped him down. The restraints are gone now, but he can still feel the sedation moving through him, all his thoughts and movements sluggish as a result. He's knocked over his water cup twice now and he's staring down at the floor where the water is pooling and he's thinking about calling a nurse, but before he can lift his good hand to the buzzer, she's there.
"Joel, you can call me if you need anything," she reminds him and he nods.
"I need to see Spencer," he says and it sounds like his words are coming from far away. He thinks maybe he should panic because if his words aren't coming from him maybe the demon is still here. Maybe they didn't win, maybe they only postponed the inevitable.
But there's no panic. And he knows that isn't true. For the first time since he was seventeen-years-old, he's alone in here. He's sure that once he's no longer drugged, it will feel fantastic.
"I know," she says when she's on her feet again and Joel can't remember her name, but he knows she's been very kind to him since he woke up. She's a witch, he knows that somehow and he doesn't know if she told him or if he saw her do something or if everyone knows, but he knows. She understands what he's been through. "Soon, I promise. The doctor just wants to make sure he's okay. He's taken far too many knocks to the head lately."
"I know," he whispers, dropping his head. He knows. It's his fault.
When he looks up again the nurse is gone and Joel wonders if he fell asleep. Spencer still isn't here, so he starts to take stock of his injuries. His left hand is in a cast, the burned portion of his fingers covered in a salve. Luckily the burn hadn't been too bad. He remembers a doctor saying that.
One of his ribs is broken and it hurts when he breathes, but he's not wrapped or bound in any way. He thinks he remembers one of the doctors saying that it was dangerous, it can lead to complications with his lungs, but everything is a bit of a blur.
There are stitches in his forehead just below his hairline and there's a small bandage on his cheek where he'd been cut by glass. Somehow he feels like there should be more. Everything hurts, but there should be more than this. He deserves more than this.
The first few tears splatter on his cast before Joel even realizes he's crying.
He suspects, in a disconnected way, that's at least partly due to the painkillers and sedation the doctors had been forced to give him when he'd desperately fought them. Everything had still felt so wrong. Everything. He had been hurt and Spencer had been hurt. Even Coop had been hurt. He doesn't know what state Les and Nerium are in, he can't remember. They had put him on the stretcher and he'd seen Spencer on another bed and everything inside him had screamed against letting himself be separated from Spencer again.
They'd sedated him. Strapped him down. The restraints are gone now, but he can still feel the sedation moving through him, all his thoughts and movements sluggish as a result. He's knocked over his water cup twice now and he's staring down at the floor where the water is pooling and he's thinking about calling a nurse, but before he can lift his good hand to the buzzer, she's there.
"Joel, you can call me if you need anything," she reminds him and he nods.
"I need to see Spencer," he says and it sounds like his words are coming from far away. He thinks maybe he should panic because if his words aren't coming from him maybe the demon is still here. Maybe they didn't win, maybe they only postponed the inevitable.
But there's no panic. And he knows that isn't true. For the first time since he was seventeen-years-old, he's alone in here. He's sure that once he's no longer drugged, it will feel fantastic.
"I know," she says when she's on her feet again and Joel can't remember her name, but he knows she's been very kind to him since he woke up. She's a witch, he knows that somehow and he doesn't know if she told him or if he saw her do something or if everyone knows, but he knows. She understands what he's been through. "Soon, I promise. The doctor just wants to make sure he's okay. He's taken far too many knocks to the head lately."
"I know," he whispers, dropping his head. He knows. It's his fault.
When he looks up again the nurse is gone and Joel wonders if he fell asleep. Spencer still isn't here, so he starts to take stock of his injuries. His left hand is in a cast, the burned portion of his fingers covered in a salve. Luckily the burn hadn't been too bad. He remembers a doctor saying that.
One of his ribs is broken and it hurts when he breathes, but he's not wrapped or bound in any way. He thinks he remembers one of the doctors saying that it was dangerous, it can lead to complications with his lungs, but everything is a bit of a blur.
There are stitches in his forehead just below his hairline and there's a small bandage on his cheek where he'd been cut by glass. Somehow he feels like there should be more. Everything hurts, but there should be more than this. He deserves more than this.
The first few tears splatter on his cast before Joel even realizes he's crying.
no subject
Things are different now. Spencer's different without really changing very much at all, and he knows that it's due to Joel. "Well, not all the time," Spencer continues, his own cheeks starting to redden, "but when I do talk to people about you, it's like I can't stop. I can't turn the switch off, all I can talk about is how much I love you because it becomes all I can think about in that moment." He let about a sheepish laugh, shaking his head just slightly before letting it drop so he's looking at the space between his hand and Joel's. He stares for a long moment at the IV needle before closing the gap, sliding his hand closer so their fingers brush, and he feels quite suddenly like his throat might close up.
"I--" His voice cracks, and Spencer clamps his mouth shut, blinking away tears that he can't place the source of before looking back up at his husband. "I didn't have a reason before you, I didn't have anything to talk to anyone about. My family, it's always just been simpler to pretend that it's not on my mind. People become so easily uncomfortable, I think being around me was a trial for a long time because they were afraid I'd bring them up, that I'd bring up the fact that they probably looked at me for at least half a moment and wondered if I really did..." He trails off, letting his thumb rub over Joel's knuckles. "I can talk about you now instead. I still don't talk to that many people in the first place, I have you. Even when you're not there."
He shares Joel's sentiment, that he'd sleep on the floor as long as it meant he'd get to be near his husband, and it's because he wouldn't really feel at home even if he made the choice to sleep in their own bed. Home is where Joel is, his heart is where Joel is, and as much as Spencer hates being at the hospital, he'd hate being separated from his husband more.
"I like Nora," he says suddenly, and he's not sure where the words had come from but that doesn't make them any less true. She's firm, but Spencer can see how much she cares in her actions, in the way she seems not to just accept but understand that Spencer can't leave Joel here alone. It's just as much for himself as it is for his husband, perhaps, but Nora doesn't seem to care to differentiate. "It's still a surprise to me when people are kind. Do you think that's awful of me to say? I've spent so much time believing that people must think the worst of me, it isn't until I met you that I realized maybe that isn't true. Not of everyone, at least."
There are far more Eli Jaspers in this town than Spencer wants to think about, it's just that Eli had been the most vocal, just like he'd been in high school. Joel had taken care of that problem, but Spencer admittedly wonders once in awhile when the next Eli will come along because in spite of how many incredible things have happened to him over the course of the last few months, optimism still isn't his forte. Their baby, though, he can be optimistic about that. With Joel's demon gone and both of them on the mend, the thought of their baby helps him to believe that nothing that bad could possibly happen again, nothing could overshadow the beauty of the family they're building. He has two reasons to let himself accept that he deserves a good life now, two reasons to dedicate himself to giving all of himself to the two people who deserve all the love in the world--even though one hasn't quite joined them yet.
"You know, this time next year, we'll be that couple who can't stop talking about their child," he teases. That doesn't sound so bad, he thinks. They could be worse things.
no subject
"Oh, my god," he murmurs after a moment, watching Nora's progression down the hall. He can see it. He can see it without even trying. She's just there, the energy that makes her up, it trails after her in little sparks and lights, and Joel isn't even making the effort to look for it. Looking over at Spencer shows the same thing. It's faint, barely there at all, but Joel can see it. The yellow light that encircles Spencer, the darker light around his injured shoulder.
And the energy that links them. Joel looks down and he can see it just like he can see everything else. It's faint, but it's there and he surprises himself with a delighted laugh that causes a burst of pain through his torso. It's the strongest these things have ever been without him trying to see them and he's beginning to realize more and more just how much things are going to change from here on.
"Spencer, I can see it all," he murmurs, reaching his hand out toward his husband. "Energies, all of that stuff I could see before, but had to try to find. It's all just right here now. It's faint, but it's here." Even the machines have some kind of energy hovering around them and Joel blinks, staring at them, trying to take them in. They're beautiful in their own way, but they're not beautiful like Spencer.
"Sorry, I got distracted," he says with a huff of laughter. "I just... I've always had to work at it. I've had to let myself stop looking and lose focus and even then things were often blurry and hard to see, but everything is so clear now."
no subject
He could never forget it, sitting on the second level of the library with his legs dangling off the edge as he'd asked Joel to read his aura. He wouldn't have asked if he hadn't been drinking, would never have invited anyone to look into him that way, so deeply and personally, but at the same time, Spencer thinks that maybe he would have because it had been Joel. Spencer had been comfortable with him even then without really knowing why and letting Joel look at him in a way nobody else ever had before had only made Spencer grow fonder of him. There's also that column of energy between them, the one that proves the connection between them even though Spencer doesn't need proof to know how real this is, how important; but the idea of Joel losing the ability to see that doesn't sit well with him. The idea of Joel losing any of his powers--save for the one that had caused his eyes to go black--makes him think of how despondent his husband had been about it on the island. Like having a piece of him missing, like having something torn out of him, that's about how Joel had described it, and Spencer couldn't bear seeing Joel suffer like that again.
"So the good bits have stayed with you," he says, tone light and a bit playful because he doesn't want to imply that he'd seen any of his other powers as bad. Every time Joel had gone to that darker place, he'd done it for Spencer, to protect him and defend him; but having that power used against him, being subjected to that simple flick of the wrist that had sent him flying into the walls of their own home has made him just the slightest bit biased. That hadn't been Joel, though, and Spencer holds no resentment against his husband for it because they're here now. Joel had fought for his family, they'd won, and they're here. Everything else that's good is just a bonus as far as Spencer is concerned.
"Maybe the premonitions will be clearer then," he suggests. Joel hasn't had one in months but Spencer knows how important it will be to his husband if he can make good use of them. "And your potions, your protection charms, all of it--maybe they'll only get stronger." He pauses, eyes flickering down to their entwined hands, and he feels a flash of uselessness that he quickly pushes aside because it has no place in this moment. Joel has never given him any reason to feel that way and after all, they'd only just vanquished a demon together. He hadn't been useless then. "Maybe you could teach me again. How to make more potions, I mean, or cast a spell like that ball of light. I don't know if I'll be any good at the rest but the first one we did together turned out rather well." It had turned out well in more ways than one, really, but neither of them ever need any actual reminding of that incredible day.
He leans down to brush his lips against Joel's hand, careful of the IV needle and of his own injured shoulder as he straightens himself back out. "We can talk about that later. Can you tell me more about what you see? What it's like?" He ducks his head, cheeks reddening even as he smiles. "Do I like any different than the first time you saw me?"
no subject
"You," he says, then looks at Spencer again. This time he lets himself do that same thing he's always had to do in order to see the auras. He lets himself drift a little, lets his vision slide, and he's almost blinded by the brilliance of the light Spencer lets off. Squinting and laughing at the same time even though it hurts to do so, Joel looks down, and he still sees it, that connection between them, the column he knows will never disappear, will never break. It's bright now, brighter than either of them, red and yellow intertwined, the two of them coming together and making something new. Not for the first time, he wishes he could show it to Spencer.
"You look... brighter," he says, letting it go again. This is something he'll have to adjust to and he smiles. "I can see how badly your shoulder is hurt, by the way, she's right about the sling." And he can see Spencer's head, too, the darker area where he'd been hit once again, but it doesn't seem too bad and Joel finds relief in that.
"But the colour is the same, it's just... there's more of mine in there, too," he says, knowing it doesn't explain it quite right. "There are parts of you that have changed. Become brighter, happier." If he were to look down at himself, he knows he'd see the same thing, places where Spencer had fixed the sad, broken pieces of his aura.
"I'm going to have to learn how to control it all over again," he says in wonder. "Before I had to work for it, so I was never worried about doing it by accident and now... now I'll be reading everyone without even trying." Which he doesn't like. It feels intrusive, it always has, and he'll do his best to avoid it, but it's going to take time.
no subject
He can't keep the pleased smile off his face, though, at hearing that there's parts of Joel that have become just as much a part of him. It doesn't surprise him at all, only confirms what they both already know, that they're permanent fixtures in each other's lives. Joel isn't going anywhere, Spencer can't let his certainty of that slip away just because they've faced something terrible. They've already faced far more terrible things than anyone should ever have to in a lifetime, and they're still here. Still standing--or in their cases, at lest in this moment, lying down and sitting.
If anyone has ever doubted their strength as a couple, surely they need not look further than what had happened today to be proven wrong. Joel has called him strong before, even Davin had, but Spencer has never felt that on his own. It's with Joel that he feels his best, that he finds the most courage in himself to do what it takes to protect the person he loves most. Their baby will give him that courage, too, both of them, Spencer can already feel the protectiveness over their child growing within him. He'll be that parent who fusses with his children's clothes, straightening collars and adjusting jackets until he can't justify how long it's taking before he even lets them leave the house. He'll be the father who frets terribly over the slightest hint of a fever, a minor cough or sniffle, insisting that he and Joel take their child to the doctor immediately even though he'd never do the same thing for himself.
He wonders if the color of their child's aura will become a part of them, too, and he wants nothing more than to crawl back to Joel's side right now and hold him close again but between the sling and knowing that Joel needs to be lying straight, he knows it's out of the question. When Nora sends the cot in, he'll push it as close to Joel's bed as he can, the closer the better because when one or both of them inevitably wake from something horrifying they've seen in a nightmare tonight, Spencer wants to make sure they're within reach of each other; and when they drift back to sleep, Spencer hopes their minds will fill instead of images of their future, their real future with a beautiful baby and a beautiful life rather than the future that could have been had things gone differently today.
"You'll be fine," Spencer tells him, voice sincere because he does mean it, believes it with all his heart. He believes Joel will be able to control it, to use that power to the best of his ability because his husband is capable of nothing less, especially without a demon present to hold him back. "Just don't forget me when people are singing your praises for being that much more incredible." He's teasing, rolling his eyes at himself just slightly before leaning in to nudge his nose against Joel's and pressing a kiss to his lips. "And if you're going to teach me more magic, I suppose it gives me a reason to call you Professor again. I quite like how this is turning out."
no subject
His smile grows further when Spencer mentions calling him Professor again and Joel knows he's in absolutely no shape to be having the kinds of thoughts that have suddenly entered his mind, but there's still an edge of almost hysterical jubilation at finally being free of this thing that's been holding into him for so long. He'd never really been aware of it, had never really understood that it was there, but now, tonight, knowing it's gone, he can feel the difference. There's a sense of being alone, which he knows he'll have to get used to, but there's a freedom, too. For the first time he isn't sharing anything with anyone he's not choosing. And he'll share everything with Spencer, it's part of what he signed on for when they got married, but he gets to choose to do that. Spencer is the person he's chosen to share these things with and it's all him. It's just the two of them and the thought makes something in his chest swell.
"I love you," he murmurs, still holding Spencer close. "So much more than I will ever know how to say." One day he wants to be able to find the right words, either his own or perhaps some writer unknown to him that's somehow managed to capture what this feeling really is. It feels like it should be impossible, but Joel doesn't think he'll ever stop looking. And maybe one day when they're old, when they're sitting together, when they're watching their grandchildren, he'll have found the right words, but even if he never does, he knows that won't stop him from feeling this.
"You saved me," he whispers, pressing another kiss to Spencer's mouth. "You saved me."
And he hopes Spencer really understands that. Joel knows he sometimes feels as if he's not capable of protecting himself, but Joel doesn't see that part of Spencer. All he sees is the man who literally carried him on his back to bring him to safety. And now the man, the only one in the world, who could pull him back from a demon that had had its claws in him for more than a decade. The only person in the entire world Joel has let in like this, the only person that demon had been afraid of because Joel loves him so completely. Before Spencer he knows he wouldn't have even thought something like that would be possible. The power of love wouldn't be enough to save someone from a possession, it wouldn't be enough to make anyone fight back like he had, but he'd been wrong. Spencer had proved him wrong.
He'll never forget that. He'll spend the rest of his life thanking Spencer for everything he's done in any way he can think to. Even if he doesn't say he words, he'll put it into every gesture, every touch. Spencer hasn't just changed his life, he's saved it in every possible sense of the word.
no subject
All he can do is nod when Joel says Spencer had saved him, not because he wants to take the credit for it but because it's true in so many other ways. The only thing that Joel is leaving out is that he'd saved Spencer, too. He'd be dead already if it hadn't been for Joel, Spencer has absolutely no doubts about that. If the debris hadn't hit him, he'd probably have found himself in the way of the Hydra. If they hadn't made a date that evening in the summer, Mark would surely have gotten bored of Spencer's inability to fight back and killed him to spite Joel--and it makes Spencer shudder to think there might be a second attempt, if the letter is anything to go by, but Mark Fuller is the very last person he wants to think about right now. Even on the island, with a hole in his leg, Joel had been the reason Spencer had found it in himself to gather the strength to fight those hallucinations. He might have succumbed to them otherwise, might have let the island win, but he'd been in love and newly proposed to and protecting Joel had simply been more important. It had been the most important.
What Joel had said during his vows at their wedding will always stay with Spencer--you saved me from having nothing, from being empty, from being alone and from being lonely--because Spencer feels the exact same way. Even if he had survived any of the things that should have seen him dead in the past few months, having to face any of it alone would have cut him far more deeply than any physical wound ever could. He hadn't realized how much he'd truly feared being alone for the rest of his life until he suddenly wasn't anymore. After two and a half years of successfully waking up and getting ready for work and coming back to his still empty house, Spencer had assumed he'd gotten used to it. The truth is merely that he'd been hiding from himself, protecting himself from the sheer sadness of what is life had become with the loss of his family.
Finding Joel has been and always will be Spencer's greatest gain. Joel had shown him to live, truly live, for the very first time, and Spencer only hopes that he's been able to show his gratitude at least a little bit every day. "I love you. And I'll always save you," he murmurs, resting his forehead gently against his husband's as he lets his eyes slip shut. They can't stay like this, he knows that, and if Nora catches them like this, she'll surely lecture them about it but Spencer doesn't care. They'd nearly met their ends yet again today, and he needs this. They both do, they need to just bask in each other's presence and take advantage of the physical reminders that they're alive, that they aren't going to be damaged beyond repair.
He'd promised himself a long time ago that he'd never take this relationship for granted, and he has no intention of starting now. What they have together is so incredibly unique, special, as clear to other people as it is to themselves, and Spencer will never let it go. They're connected, and they'll never break, not even if a demon tries to come between them.
no subject
"You two are impossible."
Joel starts at the sound of Nora's voice from the doorway and he thinks he should have heard her coming, noticed the squeak of her shoes on the floor in the hall or heard the dragging of the cot against the floor. She has it leaned against the doorframe now and Joel's eyes fly open and he looks at her, trying not to feel guilty. He's still lying straight, after all, he'd just been leaned over a little to be able to press his forehead against Spencer's.
"I'm still lying straight," he points out, but the exasperated look Nora gives him is enough to shut Joel up. He looks to Spencer for support, but he's not sure she's going to be much happier if he starts trying to defend what they've been doing, so Joel glances at him, then shakes his head, even though he's trying not to smile.
"Here," she says, beginning to unfold the cot and Joel's first instinct is to get up to help her, even though he knows that's absurd. He sits up in the bed anyway, then winces and relaxes back against his pillow as Nora gives him a sharp look and sets the cot aside to come check on him.
"I'm fine," he insists, trying to wave her away with his good hand. "I wanted to help you with the cot."
"Good god," she says, rolling her eyes even as she checks Joel's positioning and opens the hospital gown to check on his ribs. It's the first time he's seen the bruising and his eyes widen a little, taking in the deep purple bruise that's spread down one side of his body. He doesn't want Spencer to see it because he doesn't want him to worry, but he supposes it's too late as Nora checks him over and he glances at his husband, looking for his reaction.
"It looks worse than it is," Nora announces, covering Joel again. "I can tell you two are going to spend all your time worrying about each other, but it really does look worse than it is. The bruising will take a long time to fade and you probably won't be entirely pain free for close to a month, but it's not as bad as it looks."
no subject
Even so, the success of what Dane had dubbed his 'Bambi eyes' has always stuck with him, and it's exactly how Spencer had gotten himself out of being admitted to the hospital tonight. His doctor had been on the brink of sentencing Spencer to an evening of bedrest where he could be monitored because he'd been concerned about the number of times Spencer had rattled his head in the past few months. It's more than is ideal, he can admit that, but he's no stranger to stress headaches in the first place, and he's fairly certain that what he and Joel have been through lately is more than enough of a valid reason for his head to pound at a moment's notice.
All those thoughts leave him in an instant when Nora opens Joel's gown. The Bambi eyes are abandoned in favor of a worried stare at the bruising as he lets out a sharp gasp and his chest tightens with inexplicable fear. Joel's going to be fine, the doctor had told Spencer that and Nora is telling him that now, but he can't tear his eyes away from the awful coloring of his husband's body because it's not supposed to be like this. Joel's not supposed to be in pain and neither is Spencer, and it doesn't matter to him that his own back is also bruised from hitting that wall because any pain he might feel pales in comparison to what Joel had been forced to endure.
He can feel Joel's eyes on him, but he can't bring himself to look up, even when Nora settles his gown back into place and gets back to work on the cot. He rubs his hand over his face, rubbing at the bridge of his nose and squeezing his eyes shut just to ward off the tears before he stands to move around the bed to help with the unfolding. He's got one arm but it makes no difference, Spencer just doesn't want Joel to see the guilt in his eyes because all his husband will do is tell him it's not his fault. He may have played a part in saving Joel but that will never stop him from feeling like he should have done more, and he won't admit that out loud but it stands true. He's never been especially envious of anyone's powers before but for a split second, he wishes he could be as powerful as Nerium because if he was, he'd have lured that demon out of his husband and banished it a long time ago.
"Let me help," he says, clearing his throat before reaching down for one end of the cot. He lets out an offended yelp when Nora swats at his hand, giving him a look that's both stern and very obviously frustrated as she points back to Joel's bed.
"I don't think I've ever had any two patients give me more of a headache than you boys," she says, though Spencer thinks he can hear a twinge of sympathy and maybe a bit of fondness in her tone. "Now sit and stay seated unless you want me to call Bruce in here to restrain you."
Spencer most certainly doesn't want that, and he exchanges a quick glance with his husband before he looks down at his lap, flexing the fingers of his left hand in silence while Nora works. When she's close to being done, he swallows hard and lets out a shaky breath, unsure of why he's letting himself wallow in this feeling when he should just use the rest of this night to touch his husband, remind himself of how lucky they are that they're still alive and together right now. It's just that they'd come so close, too close, possibly closer than they've ever been to losing everything, and he would have lost everything. He doesn't remember how to properly live without Joel, likely because he hadn't truly lived before meeting Joel at all, and he practically whispers a very weak "thank you" to a surprised Nora before he finally reaches for Joel's good hand again.
"Thank you," he says again, ducking his head to hide his trembling bottom lip. "For everything you're doing, for understanding that I need to stay, I just-- I just need to stay." He needs to be able to wake up in the middle of the night and know that Joel's still here. "So thank you."
no subject
"I understand," Nora says, her own voice a little more gentle than it had been even moments before. She begins to put the sheets on the cot, tucking the corners in carefully as he's sure she's been trained to do and for a long moment there's just silence in the room. Then she clears her throat and, without looking up from her task at hand, says, "It really does look worse than it is, Spencer. I want you to hear me. Your husband, despite insisting on squiggling around like he has ants in his pants, is going to be just fine and I don't want you to doubt that for a second. I don't want to come by to check on you both later and find you awake and watching him because you're worried something bad is going to happen. You both need your rest, but besides rest, everything will be fine."
She says it in such a firm tone that Joel almost can't help but believe her. He wants to protest about her accusation that he's squiggling around, but he realizes it's true and he promises himself he'll try to do his best to keep that to a minimum. She's gone out of her way for them both time and time again tonight and he doesn't want to make any of this more difficult on her than it has to be. He knows he isn't a good patient, but from now on he's going to try to be.
"There," she says as she puts the pillow down on the cot and then gives it a firm pat. Then, without waiting for any further instruction, she comes around to the other side and presses the button to lower Joel's bed until it's the same level as the cot. "Now I better not come in here later and find you two up to anything either. Because I will separate you."
But as she says it, she lowers the rail on that side of Joel's bed and pushes the cot up next to it, essentially creating a larger bed for the two of them. It's not their bed at home and Joel knows he won't be able to move much, he won't be able to wrap himself around Spencer like he usually does and he won't wake up with his legs tangle with Spencer's, but this is good. This is far more than he expected to be given and he nods, smiling thankfully.
"We really appreciate it," he says. And he thinks maybe he should promise that they'll be goo, but he has a feeling she might not quite believe them and will maybe to come back to check on them extra if he starts making claims she doesn't believe. They'll have to do something for her and maybe even for Bruce once they're discharged, he thinks. Something nice, even if it's just some flowers or the fruit basket he'd been talking about earlier.
"You better," she says, but she's smiling as she pats the cot for Spencer. "Be good, both of you."
no subject
Having the cot set up next to Joel's bed, knowing that he'll be able to reach out to touch him in the middle of the night, it helps more than Spencer even knows how to say because he can't even begin to fathom the sort of fit he might have thrown if the staff had tried to insist he go home tonight. A large part of it is purely concern because there's quite a difference between just knowing that Joel will be okay and actually seeing that he isn't too irreparably damaged; but the other part of it is selfish. It's something he'd rather not discuss, certainly not with Nora in the room, because in recent weeks, Spencer hasn't seen Mark Fuller when he closes his eyes. He's been seeing Joel, his body bent at in all different sorts of grotesque angles; Joel, out in the backyard looking like he's just sleeping peacefully when really, he'll never wake up again; Joel, dying in a weeping Spencer's arms whilst Erin holds their baby out to him.
It's all been so much but now they're here. The hospital isn't an ideal place to be, that much is true, but Joel's going to be fine and Spencer thinks he ought to work a little harder at simply accepting that rather than coming up with every other alternative his mind can conjure. "We would never get up to anything," he says, getting up from the bed and pressing a kiss to Joel's temple before moving to the cot with an impish smile at Nora. She looks like she has half a mind to jerk her hand out at his injured shoulder, just to make him smart a bit, but she just lets out an exasperated sigh as she moves toward the door.
"You're getting one more dose of pain medication, you," she tells him, shaking a finger and then her head the second Spencer begins to protest. "Do not argue with me, you'll barely even notice the drowsiness because you'll be very much asleep soon after you take it, isn't that right?"
Spencer stares at her for a moment with his mouth agape, completely at a loss for words because he certainly doesn't want the extra medication because he wants to be coherent if Joel wakes from a nightmare in the middle of the night but at the same time, he may have to admit that he's perhaps a little bit afraid of their nurse. "Right," he finally answers, shifting closer to Joel's bed as he scoots back to slide his legs under the covers. "Is that going to be before or after we get up to all the things we're going to get up to? Because I'm going to need to plan accordingly."
Nora rolls her eyes, though it's good-natured, and she looks to Joel with an amused smirk. "I'd ask how you stand this one but then I remember what you're like," she says, tone even but for the slight tremor in it that Spencer is fairly certain is laughter. "Peas in a pod you two, aren't you? Now I'm going to say this again, stay out of trouble. I'll be back with the medication and to check up on you again in a little while."
As soon as the door shuts behind her, Spencer lets himself fall back on the cot, laughing through the pain of the hurt shoulder and back he's already forgotten about and for just a split second, his head pounds from the mass of stars that have exploded in his eyes. Still, he manages to grope for Joel's hand again and laces his fingers through his husband's when he finds it, contenting himself with being able to just touch him right now. "Is it true, baby?" he asks aloud, eyes shut tight as the static he sees fades away. "Do you have them? Do you have those ants in your pants?"
no subject
But there are differences. His children won't ever know the same shows he grew up on because they don't air here. They won't be inundated with hockey terminology at every turn, which Joel actually considers to be a huge improvement upon his own childhood. The wildlife is similar, which Joel is weirdly thankful for and they're still on the right ocean, but the seasons aren't the same. There's no going to Tim Horton's for hot chocolate and Timbits and he realizes it's such a small, silly thing, but his father had taken him and Charlotte every Saturday to get hot chocolate and donuts in the winter. It just won't be the same here.
This is where Spencer is, though, and this is the town where Joel has made his home, his life. There are things he misses sometimes, there are things he wishes he could share with their children, but he knows he wouldn't leave, not for the world. If Spencer one day decides he'd like to live somewhere else, Joel will go with him because Spencer is what makes Siren Cove home. Anywhere Spencer goes, that will be Joel's home. If one day they spend months traveling around the country, every place they are will be Joel's home because Spencer will be there with him and he doesn't care of someone else were to think that was cheesy, because it's the truth. His entire life rests with Spencer, everything he has, everything he is, it's all there.
"What do you think of the fact that our nurse is trying to drug us to sleep?" he asks curiously, squeezing Spencer's hand gently as he relaxes back onto his pillows. For awhile he thought he might not be able to sleep, not if they tried to make Spencer go home, but now that they're set up like this, side by side, able to reach out and touch each other with ease, Joel can feel the day catching up with him. He stifles a yawn, then turns his head so he can look over at Spencer, tracing his profile with his gaze. It hits him again just how close he came to really having to say goodbye to this amazing man and he presses his lips together tightly because he doesn't want to start crying, not again. It's been a long, hard, terrifying day, but they're here now. They've come out on the other side and that's what Joel wants to focus on. Once they're both healed, they'll never have to think about this again and for a second he can feel himself trying to argue, trying to point out that he will think about it, they both will, but he's not listening to it. Not right now.
"I'm not sure if I'll need it," he admits, still watching Spencer. "I'm suddenly very aware of just how tired I am." But he doesn't want to go to sleep yet. He doesn't want to stop looking at Spencer, he doesn't want to close his eyes and drift away when he'd been so scared he might be taken away for good. They're here and he isn't afraid anymore, but he's not ready to close his eyes and go to sleep just yet.
no subject
He finds the idea of trading off telling their child embarrassing stories about each other oddly endearing, actually, and he adds that to his mental list of what to do for their child. It's a long list already, joining the ranks of telling their child he loves him or her every day and making sure that he or Joel can always be the one to tuck them in at night. He adds to it nearly every day and each addition is a new reason to smile--though that task, smiling, seems to be a bit difficult when he's on his way to passing out on this cot.
"I think..." Spencer trails off, a soft smile curving his lips. "I think she's wise enough to know that if she doesn't, I'll be up all night making sure that you're still here. That you're with me and that I haven't lost you." He's kept his eyes shut and to be completely honest, he's not necessarily keen on opening them again because he, too, has realized just how exhausted he really is right now; but what outweighs the fatigue is the need to have Joel in his line of sight, the need to be certain, even with his husband's hand in his, that Joel isn't going anywhere. He eyes slowly flutter back open, and he turns his head to meet Joel's gaze, staying quiet for a moment as he commits everything about this moment to memory.
The feel of the cotton sheets against his skin, the firm yet somehow still gentle grip Joel has on his hand, the distinct silence that's taken over the room now that they've been left alone, the bags under Joel's eyes and the mess of his curls and the band-aid on his cheek--all of it will be remembered, not just tomorrow or the day after but for the rest of his life because right now, in this moment, he's sending a quiet word of thanks up to anyone who may be listening. He doesn't practice any religion, though he's read a number of books about it and could easily explain the differences that make them up, but he does believe that something had brought them together. He'd waited all his life for this man, nobody else could have come close to being as important to him as Joel because in the end, they'd always been meant to find each other.
They'd chosen their own path, he thinks, they'd chosen their own ways to find each other and maybe it'd taken a bit longer than either of them might have liked but they're here now. They're here and in love and what they have is unbreakable, and nobody can take that away from them.
"Never leave me," he says softly, the words surprising even Spencer because he hadn't actually meant to say them out loud; but he can't take it back and so he holds Joel's gaze, taking a deep breath before continuing. "I know that-- that life can be unexpected. It can bring us all the joy we could ever hope for in one moment and nothing but the deepest of cruelties in the next. But we're forever, right? This, us, we're forever, that's what we promised each other." He knows he must sound a bit foolish right now, and he's inclined to blame the pain he's in or the exhaustion that's creeping on him more and more with every passing moment. "I almost lost you, and I'm trying not to think about it but every time I remember having you pinned down, I-- I can't do it, Joel, I can't lose you."
He knows he should let the subject go for the rest of the evening, there's no sense in bringing it up again when they can't changed what had happened, but he just needs Joel to know. He needs to make sure Joel understands. "I love you so much. God, so much, and I'm going to keep you safe, I promise. I'll do anything for you, always." He huffs an empty laugh, finding himself wanting to let his eyes slip shut again but unable to tear them from Joel's. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I should just-- You need to rest. So rest, and I'll be here if you need me."
no subject
"I will never leave you," he says and although his voice is still soft, his tone is firm. He won't. There's nothing to be done besides promise and then follow through, but he doesn't want Spencer to worry or doubt that if Joel had a choice, he would be somewhere else. The unexpected may happen, he knows he can't do much to prevent that, but he'll do what he can. He can cast spells and charms, he can do everything in his power to make sure nothing happens to them. More importantly, though, he will never choose to be anywhere else. This is where he belongs and this is where he's going to stay. If he has to fight for it, he will. He'll be here for as long as he has left.
"If you can help me fight off a demon, you can help me fight off anything." Maybe there's a bit of arrogance in those words, maybe the idea that they're more powerful than the rest of the world is something he'll come to regret having said, but right now he doesn't. They are powerful together. They're meaningful and they can do anything.
"Don't apologize," he murmurs. "You don't have to be sorry. What happened today... god, Spencer it was terrifying for me. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for you. Don't be sorry for being afraid. It's... it was all s-so awful and I wish I could change it. I wish I could make it so it had never happened. You don't ever have to be sorry for wanting to talk about that or for... for wanting reassurances. I need them, too. I need them." Even though he's the one saying them, it helps. It helps to hear such confidence in his own voice. It takes power away from the fear of what happened.
no subject
On the one hand, he wants to stay up all night just so he can keep watch over Joel because that's one of his duties now, making sure that his husband is safe. He's already failed at keeping Joel unharmed but he can make up for it now, he thinks, by being here. By staying, the way Joel had come to the home they share now and stayed after what had happened at the lighthouse. Their connection grows stronger every single day, the incident with Mark almost seems like a lifetime ago now, and the rings on their fingers dictate that Spencer will never leave; but there isn't a single moment that Spencer has ever thought that maybe it's too much.
There's never been a time that Spencer has wondered if either of them have bitten off more than they can chew, if they've made a mistake in dedicating themselves to each other in such a short period of time, because it's not the time that matters. There's nothing that could be too much for Spencer, not when it comes to Joel because for his husband, there's nothing he wouldn't do. There's nothing he can't do because Joel's right, together they'd been able to fight off a demon. What more could life possibly throw at them?
Of course, he'll be of no use to Joel if he can't even function from lack of sleep. Spencer wants to be there for Joel for anything, for everything, whether it's to adjust his bed or fluff his pillows or sneak him a cup of coffee, and he knows that he needs to get better himself to be able to do that. Deteriorating in front of his husband's eyes isn't something he can do, it's not something he'd ever make Joel watch. "Stronger together," he murmurs, eyes fluttering even as he tries to keep them open just for a little while longer. "I know we are, and I'll always be here for you. If there's one thing you can let yourself know for sure, let that be it. Hydras and demons and awful cruises and lighthouses and-- god, and fatherhood, I'll always be here."
no subject
He rolls back against his pillow, just barely managing to suppress the pained moan as he goes and he glances over at Spencer, hoping his husband hadn't caught him wincing. It had been worth it just to press that kiss against Spencer's skin, to be that close to him, to smell him, warm and familiar, and to reassure himself that Spencer is going to be here with him until he can leave. And he's sure once they're home that Spencer is going to try to wait on him, no matter how much Joel tries to insist he doesn't need to, and he smiles a little, a warmth spreading through him. The certainty that comes with this marriage is good, he's sure of it. Knowing how lucky he is, knowing there will always be someone for him to go home to, it does good things to Joel. It makes him brighter, happier, easier for others to be around. It makes him a better man.
He opens his mouth to say something else, but he's rolled back onto his pillow just in time, because the door swings open again and Nora returns pushing a small tray. There are vials on the tray, syringes, two plastic cups and a jug of water that she puts on Spencer's side, taking care to give Joel a very pointed look. He'd had some trouble with the water and the cups earlier, he knows, but he's still capable of pouring himself a drink if he needs to and so he returns the look only to have Nora laugh at him and shake her head.
"Alright," she says, setting the jug down. "Water. Extra pillows and blankets are in the closet, but use the call button to get one of the nurses to help you if you find you need those. I'd hate to come back tomorrow morning and find the two of you collapsed and shivering on the floor." Her tone suggests she might not hate that so much, she might find it a very good reason to say something like I told you so, but Joel doesn't say that, he only nods his agreement and looks over at Spencer as Nora comes around to Joel's IV stand.
"How's your pain?" she asks him and he shrugs, the instantly regrets it.
"Worse now," he admits.
"One to ten," Nora says as she injects the painkillers into his IV, watching and waiting for a moment before she looks back at him. And Joel doesn't want to say, not with Spencer there, he doesn't want him to worry and to try and stay up all night making sure he's okay, but Nora isn't really giving him much of a choice with the way she's standing there, clearly waiting for a response, one hand on her hip.
"Six," he murmurs, glancing over at Spencer. "But it's fine. I'll be fine."
no subject
When Nora enters the room again, he barely twitches, though he does open one eye before attempting to give her a mock scowl that barely registers--or if it does, she simply ignores it--as she sets the water down beside him. He's grumpy, he realizes, because Nora has certainly been nothing but accommodating of them, in spite of their tendencies to be awful patients, and he forces himself to make a silent promise that he'll make a better effort to be more outwardly appreciative of how kind she's being to them. He's had nurses and doctors whose beside manners had left, to say the least, something to be desired, so it makes her stand out all the more. What's most important, though, is that she treats Joel well, and she's doing a magnificent job of that.
It's not until Joel admits that his pain is at a level six that Spencer suddenly feels wide awake again, and he tries to push himself up from the cot with his functioning arm even as Nora lets out a huff of disapproval and rushes from Joel's side of the bed to his.
"What do you think you're doing?" she demands, one hand coming to a rest gently on his shoulder, and Spencer lets out a groan of protest.
"M'fine," he mumbles, sliding himself an inch closer to his husband because somehow, in his exhausted mindset, it seems to Spencer that as long as they're as close as they can be, both of them will be just fine. His own pain could be at a ten but it would be bearable as long as Joel stayed with him.
"You're fine," Nora repeats, shaking her head as she reaches for the other syringe and vial that she'd brought on her tray. "That's why you're shaking then, is that right?"
Spencer hadn't even noticed but a glance down at his hand, his trembling fingers, proved her right, and he frowns at how slowly his brain is processing everything right now. It's more to do with how tired he is and how the events of the day seem to be catching up with him than the actual head wound, he's sure of that, but he looks over his shoulder Nora with a sheepish expression as he remembers the promise he'd only just made to himself a moment ago.
"My definition may be just the slightest bit broad," he admits, wincing when Nora reaches for his good arm so she can stick him with the needle. The effects of the painkillers work almost instantly, and he's not entirely sure what she's given him, but he knows that he's grateful for it. He lets out a long sigh as he lowers himself back down to the mattress, smiling up at Nora's face, her gentle eyes, and remembering that this night could have gone so differently had they not had someone on their side here tonight. "But this one, it'll make-- make--" He pauses to yawn, holding his hand against his mouth before trying to blink the fast approaching sleepiness from his own eyes. "It'll be good enough to help Joel sleep through the night?"
no subject
He's willing to bet it's not that common at all.
"It's better," he agrees. "Maybe a three, but it's fading. I'm feeling much better." And so long as they can get to sleep, he thinks they'll both be okay. Looking over at Spencer, he's pleased to see how tired his husband looks, how close to sleep he is already. It makes it easier for him to relax against his pillow and close his eyes. He reaches out with his good hand, brushing his fingers against Spencer's to remind him that he's right here. He's right here beside him, he isn't going anywhere else and he'll be right here tomorrow morning.
He has to stifle another yawn and he lays back on the pillow, closing his eyes. "I'm okay. I feel... much... much better." Forcing his eyes open, he looks at Spencer again, then smiles at him. "You should close your eyes. Go to sleep. I'll be right there, too." And he's not lying to get Spencer to relax, to make him more comfortable. He can feel the painkillers working through him, he can feel himself relaxing further, drifting off, which he's sure will make both Nora and Spencer quite happy.
"Good," Nora says and Joel closes his eyes again. He can feel her moving around the room, straightening blankets, pushing down pillows, making sure everything is the way it should be. He hears her mark something down on his file, he senses her checking his vitals, but more than that, he's paying attention to Spencer. He can hear his husband's gentle breathing, he can feel the warmth of his fingers against his own. This is less than ideal, of course, but if he has to stay overnight in the hospital, this is the best possible outcome.
Nora doesn't say anything else when she leaves. The flicks off the overheard light a few minutes later and closes the door behind her and they're suddenly left in a dark, quiet, warm room and Joel realizes how comfortable he really is. The pain has all but drifted away and the bed he's in is surprisingly comfortable given that it's in the hospital. But the best part, the part that makes it easy for him to close his eyes and begin to drift off to sleep is Spencer's hand brushing against his.
"Spencer?" he murmurs in the dark. He's nearly asleep, but this is important. "Spencer, I love you."