[closed - Spencer]

[just_another]

Dane is eighteen days old.

It's been eighteen days since he and Spencer have worked a full day at the store and while Joel finds he's a little restless now and then, he generally doesn't miss it at all. Eventually they're going to have to go back, probably within the next few weeks. He knows they can't expect Charlotte to take care of the store forever, but for the moment he's enjoying just being able to be at home with their son. He knows this isn't a chance everyone gets to take, a lot of situations depend on their employer, and he knows they're lucky to be self-employed and have someone available to take over for them, because these first few weeks have been amazing.

Exhausting, of course, but amazing.

They take turns doing a lot of things now that Dane is here and still a little too small to be brought out into the world. Joel has read a lot of differing opinions on the subject and while the logical part of him doesn't think it would be the end of the world to take him on a walk, he's also terribly paranoid and anxious when it comes to their baby, and the idea that he might get horribly ill because he's too young to have been properly vaccinated yet makes Joel feel like someone is sitting on his chest. So he and Spencer take turns walking Huxley, the other staying at home with Dane. And they take turns shopping for groceries, although with Lou's basket they really haven't been wanting for food. They even take turns sleeping sometimes, but Joel has gotten better about letting himself sleep when Dane does instead of just staying awake and watching their son's tiny chest rise and fall.

Right now Spencer is out walking Huxley as dusk settles over Siren Cove and Joel is upstairs in their bedroom, all the lights turned low as Dane settles comfortably on Joel's chest. They don't generally sleep with him in the bed, mostly because Joel is terrified of crushing him by accident, but they have a small bassinet that attaches to the side of the bed and he would normally shift Dane there once he's fallen asleep, but this is perfect and Joel can't even think about moving.

He's drifting a little himself, a book held loosely in one hand, the other resting against Dane's back, but he isn't asleep. Not quite. He's waiting for the sound of the door, he's waiting for Spencer to come home and enjoy this moment with him.

Comments

[doublethepain]

To Spencer's surprise, Huxley has been exceptionally well-behaved since they'd brought Dane home. He'd expected a great deal of yipping and barking, of attempts to nose at the baby while he and Joel panic over whether the puppy would try to paw at their son, but for the most part, Huxley has only watched curiously while his owners fawn over the newcomer to the household. It's because of that alone that Spencer takes him on an extra round about the neighborhood; as much as he desperately wants to be back with his husband and baby, he knows that making sure their dog still feels loved is important, too.

Huxley still lives like a king, with a bed in the living room and in the bedroom and in spite of the enormous changes in their day-to-day lives, he and Joel still try to keep the dog's schedule consistent. That means trading off taking him on walks during the usual time, a quick outing in the morning and a longer one around the time they would have come home from work, and Spencer can't deny that he's spent an hour or two just gazing at the way Huxley had once inched his way over to a napping Dane on the bed he shares with Joel and laid his head down right beside the baby's to join him.

He'd snapped about fifty pictures and it's entirely possibly that he'd cried while showing them to Joel later, but Reid hasn't passed that phase yet, the one that has him tearing up every time Dane even moves because he's so happy that it's beyond words. Nobody could have ever prepared him for what it'd feel like to hold his baby for the first time, to finally understand what it's like to be a parents, and it's only been eighteen days but Spencer doesn't ever want it to end. It'll be awhile yet, at least, until Dane is old enough to start talking back and even at the mere thought of it, Spencer feels himself getting choked up because like everyone with kids keeps telling him, it's all sure to happen too quickly.

Once they're finished with their extra lap, Spencer leads Huxley back into the house and unclips his leash, chuckling as the dog runs straight for his water bowl and peering into the living room to find it empty. That means Joel and Dane must be upstairs, and it's quiet enough in the house that Spencer wonders if they've both fallen asleep in the time he's been gone. A part of him hopes so, if only because Joel still needs to get more rest, and he makes his way upstairs with Huxley at his heels to check on his family.

His family, he thinks, the words echoing in his mind as they always do. His husband and his son. It's a far cry from the lonely life he'd thought he'd be living, and there's never a moment in the day that he isn't grateful for all that he's been given. That's what makes the sight of Dane asleep on Joel's chest all the more breathtaking, and Spencer finds himself having to lean against the door frame just to keep himself upright because the two of them lying so sweetly and soundly on that bed is one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen.

"You got him down," he says, careful to keep his voice low as he finds the strength to step forward, hovering over the bed for a moment before slowly sinking down onto the mattress. He sits on the edge, not wanting to shift anything too much for fear of waking the baby, but he's not paying attention to comfort. His eyes are locked on the baby, on that dark hair that is so Joel's, and he lets out a soft sigh. "Has it really already been eighteen days?"

[just_another]

Joel is drifting just a little when he hears the door open and the sound of Huxley's nails on the floor as he runs for his water dish. It's been a long day -- a long few days, really -- but he had tried so hard to stay awake until Spencer returned home with the dog that he manages to rouse himself fairly easily when he hears his husband come home. If he listens carefully, he can even hear the sounds of the dog drinking quickly, though it disappears a moment later under the sound of Spencer climbing the stairs and coming toward the bedroom. Blinking sleepily, he grins when Spencer stops in the doorway and he's aware all over again, as he is nearly every moment of every single day, just how lucky he is and just how much he loves this little family he and Spencer have built together.

"Hi," he says when Spencer comes over to the bed, then shifts slightly, reaching one hand out toward his husband. Even if Dane wakes up a little, he thinks it'll be worth it just to get Spencer on the bed with the two of them. Huxley is sure to join them soon enough and Joel loves how curious about the baby the dog has proven to be, how easily he's accepted this new tiny person as part of the family, but still how curious he is, his nose twitching, his tail constantly wagging as he sniffs around wherever Dane might be. For a few days, Joel had been a little worried the dog might accidentally hurt Dane by scratching him, but he's been gentle right from the start, choosing to nudge at him with his nose instead of his paws.

It's a sweet relationship, one he's excited to see grow. He can already imagine Dane grabbing Huxley's ears, hugging the small dog to him and he's glad now more than ever that they chose -- on a whim, of course -- to adopt a smaller dog rather than something large. Joel has nothing against larger animals, but he likes the idea of Huxley being similar in size to Dane when he's still so young.

Balto has been excessively protective as well and even now she's stretched out on the window sill nearby, watching the three of them with her eyes nearly closed. She'd been sleeping earlier, had perked up at the sound of Spencer coming inside, and seems to be drifting back to sleep again, but most day she can always be found relatively close to whoever has Dane. Joel has heard stories of cats getting too affectionate with babies, that they're attracted to the warmth of their bodies and breath, that they'll sometimes lie on top of them, but besides rubbing her head against the tiny soles of Dane's feet now and then, Balto seems content enough to keep her distance and watch from afar. There's something protective in her gaze, though, and Joel has a feeling she might be far more aggressive toward anyone who might move too quickly toward Dane than Huxley would ever manage to be.

"Take your shoes off," he urges in a soft voice. "Come lie with us." Eventually he'll have to get up and get undressed, return Dane to his bassinet so he'll be able to sleep properly, but right now he's perfectly comfortable like this. The only thing that's missing from this scenario is Spencer's warmth pressed up against his side and he smiles sleepily up at his husband, trying to look as inviting as possible. Not that he thinks he needs to try very hard. No one has ever made him feel even a fraction as loved as Spencer does and with the baby resting on his chest, he's sure the entire scenario looks even better.

[doublethepain]

Joel doesn't have to ask twice.

Before his husband can even finish his sentence, Spencer is already tugging at his shoes and shrugging off his cardigan, letting it fall to the floor rather than going through his usual motions of hanging it up in the closet or folding it neatly to set aside. Since the baby's arrived, Spencer has found that he's been doing a lot of things differently, and he'd known that would happen but there'd been a small part of him that was worried he wouldn't be able to adjust quickly enough to keep up; but surprisingly--or maybe not so much at all--it's been incredibly easy to change his regular routine to make room for the baby's needs.

He supposes one could say he hadn't had a choice. He's a father now, one half of a parental unit, and it's not as if he could have expected Joel to make all the sacrifices. More than that, though, not a second has gone by that Spencer isn't glad for the changes, for the surprises that Dane has brought them every single day, from what Spencer is sure had been the hint of a smile--which Ellie had gently reminded him wasn't a real one quite yet but when the real one does come, he'll surely know--to the barely audible huffs and squeaks and various other noises that he makes every so often. Each one is like a musical note, the most beautiful thing Spencer has ever heard until the next one, and as he sinks down beside Joel and rests his head on his husband's shoulder, he almost feels like crying again because this is the perfect life he'd never thought to envision for himself.

Dane hasn't moved, save for his breathing, and Spencer carefully reaches out to touch the soft skin of his son's tiny hand, counting five fingers in his mind as he always does because somehow, it seems significant. "This doesn't pass, right?" he asks, his voice nearly at a whisper. "We're never going to stop thinking he's the best thing that's ever happened to us every time we look at him? Even every time we don't."

He knows the answer. Nothing in this world could be more important to him than the two people lying right beside him, nothing could ever convince him at this point that his life could have been better if only he'd chosen a different path for himself. Spencer can't think of anyone who would even try to convince him of that but even so, he supposes it's worth noting. Everything had changed the second Joel had walked into his life, and Spencer wouldn't trade what they've built together for anything. They deserve this, though he wouldn't be able to properly explain why, they deserve happiness because they've worked so endlessly for it. To be given the chance to relax in a sense, to actually enjoy being fathers to their newborn son, it's what Spencer has been looking forward to for months.

Now that he has it, he's promised himself he won't take a second of it for granted, just as he'd promised to do the same with his marriage. He thinks he's done a fairly good job of it so far.

"I love this," he says, tilting his head up to press a kiss to the line of Joel's jaw. "I love our son, I love you, I love that we're finally able to just lie in bed with our baby. It's even better than I'd imagined it would be."

[just_another]

It's overwhelming is what it is and Joel opens his mouth to respond before he has to just close it again, because he feels especially lost for words in this moment. They're in bed together, Dane asleep on his chest, Spencer pressed up warm and tight against his side, his lips brushing against his jaw, and he knows he's never been happier than he is in this moment. They keep sneaking up on him, moments that are somehow better than the last and he knows the only thing that's changed is that he somehow loves Spencer and Dane both a little more than he had just moments before. That's never going to stop, he realizes, and it's an incredible thing to be so aware of. That every passing moment sees his love for both of these people grow, every second he's allowed to spend with them only gives him more to be happy about and he tilts his head so he can press a kiss against Spencer's cheek, grinning happily at him. There's really nothing he can say that Spencer hasn't already captured and he gives a sigh, the sound far more content than any of the words he can come up with could probably convey.

There's nothing about this he doesn't love and he knows Spencer is right. Being in their home like this, being able to be in bed holding Dane, having Spencer so close to him, it's everything he's been imagining. And it isn't going to pass. He can't imagine looking at Dane at any point in his life and not being painfully aware of how much he loves him. Even in the moments when he's frustrated, even when Dane gets old enough to talk back, Joel knows that love is always going to be right there, so close to the surface, a constant reminder of how lucky he is and how happy he is. He thinks just about any argument can be dealt with easily when he keeps that at the forefront of his mind and he can't imagine how it could be anything else. It isn't as if he's ever going to be able to forget how much love he has for their son.

He shifts a little on the bed, tucking his free arm under Spencer's and running his fingers lightly along the inside of his arm. There are times when he thinks about how his life used to be, how he would close the store, turn off the lights and then go upstairs to the apartment above his sister now inhabits. He thinks about how he would make himself dinner, get a beer out of the fridge and turn on the TV for background noise before doing work or reading or both for several more hours. Before he realized how bad his insomnia could be, he would try to be asleep before midnight, but it had so rarely happened, and as the years passed, he'd just come to accept that he wouldn't sleep well. The TV often stayed on all night, the lights and soft murmur of voices eventually soothing him to sleep, though he would only ever get four or five hour of restful sleep before having to wake up and open the store. That's how he had imagined his entire life would play out. He never expected anything else to happen, he never even imagined he'd be given an opportunity for something more.

And now he's here. It's not yet eight o'clock and he's in bed with his husband and their baby. He knows he isn't going to fall asleep right away, but he knows it's going to be long before two in the morning that he closes his eyes and drifts off the sleep. The insomnia is still there, he still wakes up and can't fall back asleep a few times a week, but it's nothing compared to how it used to be. He doesn't need the TV to sleep anymore, he doesn't go home to an empty house. He comes home and Spencer is here with him. Now Dane has joined them and the house feels even more full. He goes to sleep at night with his husband's body pressed against his and even though they don't sleep quite wrapped up in each other, Joel often makes sure to be touching Spencer in some way. Even if it's only the tips of his fingers against the small of Spencer's back, he loves having that point of contact.

"I know," he murmurs finally, careful to keep his voice low. "I know, I had no idea I could be this happy. I thought when you and I got married I was never going to be happier than that, but somehow now I feel like... like we've gotten closer to being a complete family. Does that make sense?" He isn't sure it does, because he doesn't want Spencer to think that if they never had this chance he wouldn't be happy and his smile fades a little, turns down at the corners as he considers how that sounds. "I don't mean... I know even if we didn't have Dane, I would have been happy for the rest of my life with you. Deliriously happy. That's not what I mean. If it was just me and you until we were old men, I would have still been the happiest man in the world. I just mean that this feels right, doesn't it?"

This isn't something he would have pictured for himself. Joel would never had told anyone that he wanted children or that he saw himself as a man who was destined to become a father. He never once would have considered this to be one of the main goals of his life, but it still feels like everything is just falling into place, piece by piece. Even if he never would have imagined it, this is still the role he was meant to fulfill.

[doublethepain]

Joel wouldn't have had to explain what he meant, Spencer had understood it perfectly well. That doesn't come as a surprise in general, of course, they've long since gotten to a point that a mere flicker of his eyes is enough to make Joel understand exactly what it is he needs and wants but even if that wasn't the case, Spencer would never assume that Joel could ever mean he wouldn't have been content without a baby in their lives. He feels the same way, after all, because he hadn't really thought about what it would be like to have kids until that night in the hot tub. It'd been the same night Joel proposed and in spite of the awful things that had happened on the island soon after, Spencer looks back on that evening they'd spent together as one of the best of his life.

It'd felt like they'd had the entire ship to themselves because most of the other cruise guests had been busy with speed dating, an event Spencer surely wouldn't have attended whether he'd already had a boyfriend or not. He remembers everything so clearly: Joel fiddling with the buttons of the tub until the technicolor lights had zigzagged through the bubbling water, the fruity drinks they'd acquired that had gotten them sufficiently drunk enough that they'd made it back to the room in time for Spencer to be the one making love to Joel for the first time, and of course, Joel taking the moment to him to marry him because even though they'd decided already, his husband has always been far more romantic than anyone might guess.

They'd both had reputations before they'd found each other, roles to fulfill as the neurotic, possibly murderous librarian and the reclusive bookshop owner, but one night had been all they needed to realize that they wanted to know each other better. One night, on the second level of the library downstairs, with a bottle of whiskey to share and the sort of thoughts that wouldn't make Spencer blush now but certainly had at the time, to start them on a path that would alter their lives in so many different ways. A year ago, Spencer wouldn't have said he wanted children. He wouldn't have said he wanted to get married or be in any sort of romantic relationship or even have sex again but knowing Joel had helped to shape his views on so much. Joel hadn't convinced him to have kids, it's something they'd decided on together, and Spencer has to smile because he still does think of it as a plural thing.

They've talked about it, giving their first child a sibling, though they haven't spoken much of it since deciding on names for a boy or girl; but he thinks that when the subject does come up again, he won't find any resistance on Joel's part.

"I don't know that anything could possibly feel better," Spencer says, nudging his nose against Joel's cheek then shifting just slightly to press a kiss to his temple. "Every time I look at him, it's like... god, it's like being given a gift I've been waiting for my entire life. I didn't know I wanted this until we decided to get married and even then, it seemed like such a faraway possibility."

It's been just over a year since they'd decided to go on their first date, yet here they are, a settling family in a small town overrun with magic and mischief. Some of their friends do envy them, he thinks, and even that, he can't quite comprehend because he's never felt enviable of anything before. He does understand it now, the way he catches the odd person watching them with a hint of longing for someone to look at them the way Joel looks at Spencer or more recently, for they way they're both so free with the love they have for their son. In these first couple weeks, life has been so quiet, no matter how much Dane has cried in the middle of the night or fussed for hours throughout the day. Spencer has never felt more simultaneously exhausted and at peace in his life, and he takes comfort in knowing that won't end anytime soon.

They'll have to go back to work, yes, but eventually, Dane will be old enough to take with them so they can be together at home and at the store, exactly as Spencer has imagined them to be for so long.

"We're the family with the little boy, a dog, and a cat," he says with a soft laugh. "Granted, our little boy is half-witch but even so, all we're missing is the white picket fence, and I've never particularly wanted one anyway."

[just_another]

"I think the ideal family unit is actually two children," Joel points out with a laugh, imagining what Spencer might say or do if he were to come home one day and find Joel putting up a white picket fence. That's definitely not on his to-do list, he rather loves their house exactly the way it is, and although he's been making upgrades here and there, they haven't changed anything so drastically that it doesn't look exactly how it had when Joel had first moved in. The only thing that's really taken on a new shape is the spare room, the one that's not longer a spare room, but Dane's room, the nursery they'd planned together and slowly built up, the room Aoife had found so lovely she'd asked if Joel had used magic in it to make it just right. Besides the mobile Davin had given them, the room is magic-free, though Joel wonders for how long. In just a few years, Dane will be discovering his abilities, and that thought is both exciting and nerve wracking for Joel.

And it's a little funny, he thinks, that he's more comfortable with Spencer than he's ever been with anyone before and yet he still feels a little shy about what he's just said. They haven't really discussed their plans in any great detail, but that's how they've done most things. Spur of the moment decisions, though he knows every last one of them had been the right decision for them, no matter how sudden they might seem to others. They had decided to move in together after just the briefest of discussions, they had decided to elope after a fight, of all things, and had rushed off that very same evening to do it. Having Dane had taken a little more planning, but they had been so completely on the same page that it had still felt like something just sliding perfectly into place.

There's no reason for him to feel a little nervous about the suggestion, he's sure Spencer is as in sync with him as they ever are, but he still looks over at him, his smile just edging into shy. They'd discussed names for girls, too, but they had never really talked much about whether or not they would want a second child. Now that Dane is here, Joel can't imagine not giving him a little brother or sister, and he had meant what he said to Coop, it's not something he's planning for right away, but it is something they'll need to plan for at least a little, unlike so many of their other decisions.

"You're not going to deny me a little girl with your smile, are you?" he asks, his cheeks still faintly flushed even as he leans in, twists slightly, and presses a kiss against the edge of Spencer's jaw. He smells so good, so familiar, so much more like home than anything Joel has ever known and he's already sure of Spencer's answer, but he doesn't think it would hurt to sweeten his case a little by shifting on the bed and lifting Dane just slightly, his cheek now resting against Joel's shoulder. Positioned like this, he's breathing softly on Spencer's skin, little puffs of air that sometimes Joel can hardly believe are real breaths moving in and out of tiny lungs, and when he yawns, his eyes squeezing shut a little tighter, he's right there in Spencer's line of vision.

"I know it's not a now kind of plan, but I think I'd like that eventually," he says, his voice soft. "Another little one like this. Someone for Dane to protect and watch over." Though if they have a child anything like Spencer, he suspects they'll spend their whole lives watching over one another. Spencer's brother might be gone, but the both of them have been lucky enough to have strong relationships with their siblings and he wants that for Dane. He wants that for their children.

[doublethepain]

"Denying you our Rose would be denying me her, too," Spencer says, not bothering to tease his way into an answer because he can sense the nerves in his husband without even having to look at him. It's in the heat he feels rising in Joel's cheeks, the slightest bit of caution and uncertainty in the way he asks, and truthfully, Spencer has spent all this time thinking that they couldn't possibly have just one child. There's no guarantee that they would have a baby girl, and it's not as if giving Dane a little brother would be disappointing in a way; but he has to admit that the thought of looking at a daughter and seeing his own features reflected in hers, the same way he sees Joel's reflected in Dane's, sends a warmth through him that he could never possibly ignore.

Even if Dane had turned out to be a bigger handful in these first couple weeks, Spencer doesn't think he could have been persuaded to stop wanting a second child. Taking on this role as a father has been terrifying but exhilarating all at once, and he doesn't think the thrill will wear off anytime soon, but neither he nor Joel are in it for the thrill. The decision to start looking for a surrogate to carry Dane had come at the right time, just as it will when they're ready for their second child--though he has no doubt they'll ask Erin whether she'd be up to the task again--because that's simply how things have always been between them. One always seems to know when the other needs something, wants something, not just in their private life but in all other aspects, too.

He's gotten quite used to it over the past year but at first, it'd felt so unusual to know that there was someone in the world who seemed able to understand how he was feeling just by looking at him. Joel excels in the subject of Spencer and vice versa, just as Spencer imagines they'll come to be experts on their child. Their children.

"I suspect Rose will be just as protective of Dane as he'll be of her," he says, smiling softly down at their son whilst thinking, too, of his own younger brother. "Younger siblings are like that, aren't they? Not all of them, but ours are. Were. We'll raise them to love each other no matter what, to support each other through everything because without each other, we're nothing." He pauses, lifting his eyes to search Joel's, to make his husband understand how important this is to him, though he doesn't think much effort is really needed. "Without you and Dane, I'm nothing. I was just a shell, I was something empty and adrift until you gave me a reason to live again. Now I have two reasons. With Rose, I'll have three."

He's talking in absolutes now, as if having a daughter is the only option, but he figures that's okay for the time being. Spencer doesn't know how long they'll wait before they decide to have another child and a great deal of it will have to do with how long Erin will want to wait or whether she'll want to do it at all, but he thinks she will. Seeing how happy she and her husband had been for them in that hospital room, even through her exhaustion, Spencer is certain that she'd do it again.

He watches Dane breathe, just watches him breathe, and it's the most incredible thing Spencer has ever seen. The slight rise and fall of his chest is enough to make him want to cry the way he had when he'd first taken his baby in his arms, and he knows he could never explain it to anyone who might ask. Being a parent is an experience, not just a story, it can be understood simply by being told. He understands that now, cherishes it, and he takes great comfort in knowing that he'll never have to doubt whether Joel is feeling the same thing.

[just_another]

There's an ease with which Spencer just falls into what Joel has been imagining that leaves him feeling sort of breathless and he knows it shouldn't be a surprise, they're always on the same page, but it never ceases to stun him when Spencer just seems to read his mind. It's why they're here, he knows that, it's why they seemed to fall into this relationship with such ease. They share the same values and the same goals, and while he wouldn't say all their interests are the same, he knows they're similar enough in the ways that really counts. Where it's important, they're often thinking about the same thing and all he can do is grin helplessly over at Spencer as he talks about their daughter who isn't even conceived yet.

There's no guarantee, of course, he knows they might just as likely have another little boy, and he's given some thought to that, too. Rose was his grandmother's name and while they've named Dane for Spencer's brother, he's thought about his dad's father, the grandfather who was always so kind to Joel when he was growing up. He isn't named after anyone, as far as he knows, but he likes the idea of continuing on a bit of a tradition and he thinks Ben is a rather nice name, after all.

"If we have another boy, what do you think about using my grandfather's name?" he asks. "Or yours, if you would prefer, of course. I really like the idea of having them both named after someone who's been important to us and as much as I love my dad, I don't think giving him too much of an ego by naming his grandson after him is such a great idea." He's mostly teasing, he isn't sure his father is even capable of having an ego, but he's not really sold on the name Brian for a baby. It seems like the name of an adult and he knows that's silly, he knows all adults were children at some point, but it's a feeling he just can't shake. Probably because, as far as he's concerned, his father always has been an adult.

"His name was Benjamin," he says after a moment. "Those were my grandparents, Rose and Benjamin." He meets Spencer's gaze as he speaks, listens to the things he's saying to him and he understands them completely because he feels the same way. Without Spencer, without Dane, he'd been nothing but a shell of a man, existing only because he had to. He'd never been suicidal or even particularly depressed, but he hadn't been living either. Moving through every day had just been an act of necessity and it isn't anymore. Now he goes through every day because waking up means he gets to see Spencer again, it means he gets to hold their baby. It means he gets to lean over in the middle of the night with Dane crying, the two of them both half asleep, and press a kiss to the plane of Spencer's shoulder blade before he shuffles off to collect a crying Dane from his crib.

"I know," he says, his voice soft as he shifts and reaches up to cup the back of Spencer's head so he can lean in and kiss him. Dane snuffles softly on his chest, lets out a little sigh that sounds close to a whine, but Joel nudges his lips gently against Spencer's and lets the baby settle again while he kisses his husband. No matter what else happens, no matter how many children they have, no matter if they have girls or boys, he knows he's never going to let this stop. He's never going to be too busy for Spencer, he's never going to be too distracted to make sure they get to spend some quality time together.

"You were every reason for me to open up again," he breathes against Spencer's mouth. "That will never change. And now we have Dane and... everything just makes me feel so good, Spencer. Everything. I know this is right." He smiles, his lips curving against Spencer's mouth, still holding one hand against Dane's back to keep him steady. "And once he's completely asleep for the night, I'll show you just how much I appreciate everything you do for me."

[doublethepain]

"Benjamin Waters-Baker has a nice ring to it," Spencer says, his gaze drifting upward toward the ceiling as he tests the name out a few more time in his mind. It does sound good, it's a name that's strangely strong and commanding but also somehow soft in that classic sort of way, but Spencer already thinks it's a good fit. Besides, they'd already named their first child after one of his own family members; it only seems right that they name their next after one of Joel's.

He smiles, shifting as carefully as he can so he doesn't wake the baby, and lowers his voice to nearly a whisper as he gently lays his hand just below Joel's on Dane's back. "What do you think, Junebug? Dane and Ben or Dane and Rose, I think either combination sounds perfect. I'd say Dane, Ben, and Rose, but we've only got one room left in the house, and I don't think any of you would be keen on living in that mess of an attic." He grins teasingly up at his husband, knowing very well how unlikely it is that either one of them could even fathom a third child, no matter how certain they are that they want a second.

Two kids seems ideal, he thinks, if only because he thinks being an only child sounds so utterly lonely. He's biased, of course, he'd always been lonely aside from when his brother had been there to keep him company. Spencer knows he's lucky to have had a sibling who'd loved him and showed it, a brother who had always been there when Spencer needed him the most and would always be willing to defend him against anyone who dared even try to lift a finger against him. He'd like to think that their own kids won't face that kind of bullying in school, that when Dane and Rose are old enough to be in school, enough time will have passed that nobody would even think to ask them about whether or not their father had really killed his family.

He hopes and hopes and hopes but if there's one thing he can take comfort in, it will be knowing that Dane and his little brother or sister will always have each other. Having Joel in his life has been what's kept him going for over a year now, and it's not as if Spencer would have ceased to exist had Joel not been there the day of the Hydra--or perhaps he would have, considering the debris that would have hit him otherwise--but he certainly wouldn't be here. He'd counted on staying at the library until he was old and grey, and John would have let him because his boss had known how important routine was to Spencer at the time. Routine had kept him sane after his mother and brother had died, monotony something welcome in the face of fearing another unwelcome shock like the one he'd found in his backyard.

He's learned not to live that way with Joel. It's easier to live in the moment now rather than by the moment, and it's true that they may not be the most exciting pair in town in the sense that they aren't out socializing every night; but they've helped each other be spontaneous in ways they never could have been on their own. With Dane, that spontaneity will come more and more often as he grows up because children change everything. Some days, they won't be able to keep up, especially not when adding Rose to the mix, but Spencer looks forward to the running around they'll have to do because the smiles that they'll see on their children's faces will be worth it.

He lets out a soft sigh of contentment against Joel's lips, never wanting to break that contact between them because he loves this so much, he loves his husband so much. Having Dane in their lives has changed a lot but not what he feels for his husband; there's nothing in the world that could diminish that or the connection between them, Spencer has no doubts about that.

"I'm going to need you to give me an example of what you're doing to do to show me," Spencer says, playfully nudging his nose against Joel's. "Specific details are not required but are very much preferred."

[just_another]

It isn't even the number of rooms in the house, because Joel thinks about three kids and it isn't that he doesn't enjoy children, but he finds himself stopping at the idea of the two of them with just two. It's such a perfect number, two little ones running around their house, climbing up and down the stairs, launching themselves into this very bed when they've had a nightmare or when they just feel like Joel and Spencer are sleeping in far too late for a Sunday. Whenever he thinks about the future, it's Spencer and two kids, two perfect and happy children they love more than life itself. He thinks about that future and it brings him just such a glow of happiness that he can't ever find the right words to explain how it feels. Not that he thinks he needs to. If anyone understands what he's feeling, he knows it's Spencer.

"We're going to have such a good life," he breathes, his voice soft as he nuzzles closer to Spencer. Dane is drifting off to sleep, he can feel the change in his breathing and in a few moments he knows he's going to have to set him down in the little bassinet, the one Joel is particularly fond of that attaches to the side of their bed and keeps Dane close at night, yet not so close that Joel is worried he's going to crush the baby. It's attached to Spencer's side now, Joel feels safer with it on that side, as if he can trust Spencer more not to roll over in his sleep when he knows neither of them sleep heavily enough to ever do such a thing. "No," he corrects a moment later. "We're going to continue to have a good life."

Dane makes a soft noise, but when Joel glances down, it's clear the baby is finally asleep and he looks back up at Spencer, a grin curving his lips. "How about rather than telling you, I put Dane to bed and then I can show you exactly what I have in mind?" They're both tired, he knows that, they've both had a relatively long day and yet he's fairly certain they're capable of finding more than enough energy to do any number of the things Joel has in mind right now. Sometimes it's nice, too, just to be able to get close to Spencer, to slowly and sleepily undress him, to hold him tight and move with him carefully. He loves when his husband gets particularly aggressive, he loves the sorts of surprising things Spencer can say to him, but he also loves that they can be gentle with one another. That they can be quiet and slow when the time comes.

Instead of waiting for an answer, he presses another slow, careful kiss to Spencer's mouth, then pulls away, gently untangling himself when he wants to do anything but. Moving carefully across the bed, he shifts until he's sitting beside the small, detachable bassinet and lays Dane down inside it. For a second it seems like the baby might wake up and start to cry, but Joel watches him for a second and then he settles, snuffling softly. The noises he makes are Joel's favourite thing in the world right now, the way he sighs and coos softly, barely sounds at all. They're sweet and innocent and so delicate in a way, the perfect little noises, and he grins as Dane sighs gently, a little rush of air and then settles in to sleep at least for a little while.

"Now," he says, turning back toward Spencer, leaning in so his hands are on either side of Spencer's hips and he can nudge his husband back gently among the pillows. He leans in and presses a gentle kiss to the tip of Spencer's nose, then one to his chin and then finally a long, slow kiss against his mouth. "I think I said something about showing you what I wanted to do and how much I appreciate you."

[doublethepain]

"I do believe I recall you saying something about wanting to do that, yes," Spencer teases, bending his legs at his knees and widening them to give Joel more room to get closer. They'd promised each other a long time ago that regardless of the amount of time they'd known they would need to devote to their baby, they wouldn't lose sight of this, of them and the relationship that had led them here, and it's only been eighteen days but Spencer doesn't think they're in any danger of that. He's not worried, either, about what it would mean for them to bring a second child into their family because in the end, he firmly believes that neither of them could ever forget that it's finding each other that had allowed them to become fathers in the first place.

Spencer wouldn't have had a family like this with anyone else because without Joel, there simply wouldn't be anyone else. The moment Joel had walked out of his house that night they'd spent getting drunk in the library, Spencer had known that his feelings wouldn't be easily shooed away because for the first time in his life, he'd felt genuinely physically attracted to someone. He's admired people, of course, found them aesthetically pleasing, but he's never thought anyone to be as utterly beautiful and practically perfect as his husband. Spencer is just lucky enough that the only person he's ever loved turned out to love him back. Not everyone is so fortunate, he knows, and he isn't sure what he'd done in life to deserve someone like Joel, but he's stopped questioning it.

They're here and this isn't a dream, that's what matters. Their baby is sleeping soundly beside them, probably shifting once in awhile as his gorgeous little face twitches every so often, and Spencer would be tempted to look over the edge of the bed just to catch sight of Dane if it weren't for another kiss from his husband that distracts him. This time, he lets out a soft moan, wrapping his arms around Joel's waist as he parts his lips to welcome Joel's tongue. He'd never once imagined that this might stop after they'd brought the baby home, and Spencer has read about couples who'd claimed to have lost their spark after having a baby if they hadn't already lost it after marriage, but he doesn't understand that at all.

Getting married is something he'd never thought he'd do. In fact, it's not something he'd ever thought about at all, much less having a child. Spencer had never looked at those two things as items to check of a list if he ever had hopes of truly being considered an adult but here he is, a mere year after meeting the man who would change everything, and he's never been happier in his life. The spark is still there, the passion he feels every time he looks at his husband still burns brightly within him, and he can't help but roll his hips to show Joel just that before swiping his tongue over Joel's bottom lip and pulling back just slightly to rest his head against the pillows.

"I will never stop loving you," he says, keeping his voice low and his gaze steadily aligned with Joel's as he brings one hand up to brush his fingertips up the length of his husband's jaw. "Not even for a second. You want to show me how much you appreciate me but god, Joel, you..." He trails off, shaking his head before stealing another quick kiss. "You're my world, you and Dane, and I promise you, I'll never stop doing everything in my power to take care of you both." He wrinkles his nose a bit, huffing a soft laugh. "And Rose, too, when she joins us."

[just_another]

"I know," he murmurs, pressing a longer kiss to Spencer's mouth, letting himself really sink into just the act of kissing him like this for what feels like the first time in days. He and Spencer have still exchanged kisses, of course, but for the most part they've been quick, stolen moments here and there when they haven't been completely wrapped up in Dane. Over the past few days, the most lingering kisses they've shared have been as they've all been nearing the edge of sleep, Dane quiet and still, the two of them more exhausted than they've ever known, and they've all been perfectly wonderful kisses, ones Joel would never give up, not for anything, but it's nice to just able to lie together like this and really kiss Spencer. It's nice to not be thinking about anything else and while he knows they don't have endless amounts of time until they'll be roused again and have to feed Dane, he plans on making the most of what they do have. Even if it's only ten minutes, even if it's only five, he's going to devote every last second of all the time they're given to making sure Spencer knows just how much Joel loves him and trusts him. And he knows that Spencer loves him, too. He says Joel and Dane are his world, and Joel just knows. He feels like he's always known.

He presses a row of kisses down from Spencer's mouth, dropping them lightly along the edge of his jaw as his fingers find the buttons of the cardigan his husband is wearing and he grins as he realizes he recognizes it. One of his, as usual, but one that had shrunk a little in the wash some years ago and had been placed at the back of the closet for god only knows what purpose. Joel has never been particularly good at getting rid of things, not even clothes that don't fit anymore, but now he's glad he didn't, because it seems as though Spencer had found it and adopted it as his own, which Joel doesn't mind at all. It looks especially nice on him, much nicer than it had ever looked on Joel, a dark grey-blue, with two thick stripes of a lighter blue around the elbows. He has no idea what he's noticing all this detail as he undoes the buttons, not until he realizes where the cardigan came from.

"This belonged to him," he says, muffling a laugh against the curve of Spencer's throat as he plucks gently at the front of the cardigan, peeling it slowly away from the shirt Spencer is wearing underneath. "This cardigan, you found it at the back of the closet, didn't you? It used to be my grandfather's and I remember taking it out of his closet once when I was still far too small to fit it." He's still kissing Spencer as he relates the story, pressing little open mouth kisses to his throat and then down, pulling the collar of his shirt away so he can reach his collarbone and the top of his chest. "I was cold and I took it out and wore it around the house for the rest of the night. I think it was Thanksgiving and when it was time to leave I refused to take it off, so they told me to take it home with me. I remember my grandfather saying I could keep it, my mom insisting they would bring it back and I remember throwing a fit in the car when she told me I'd have to give it back to him. Grandpa said I could keep it. I wore it for years until I shrunk it a little in the laundry."

And now Spencer is wearing it. His grandfather is long dead and there are times when Joel is grateful for it, grateful he never saw just how badly he had screwed up when it had come to his magic. He still feels more shame about Amy's death than nearly anything else in his life and he isn't sure he would have been able to deal with his grandfather knowing what an awful think he had done. But there are times like this, too, when he wishes desperately that he was still around. That both his grandparents were. They had been amazing, loving people, and he knows they both would have adored Spencer. Even with their age and the difference in how things were done in their time, he doesn't think they would have even blinked had Joel brought home a boyfriend for them to meet. They were both happy, easygoing people like his father, and he knows all they would have wanted to know is if Joel was happy. And given just how happy he really is, he knows they would have accepted Spencer in a moment.

"It looks good on you," he says with another laugh, even as he's tugging it off and then sliding his hands under Spencer's shirt. His fingers spread across his warm skin, sinking into him, holding onto him, wanting to ground himself in Spencer and his skin and the feel of his muscles as they shift and move. "It looks better on you than it ever did on me." And maybe that's only because he thinks everything looks good on Spencer, but he also loves that his husband is wearing his grandfather's cardigan.

[doublethepain]

Spencer hadn't known the cardigan had belonged to Joel's grandfather when he'd plucked it from the closet. He's so prone to stealing his husband's clothes by now--and not just cardigans, he tends to slip on shirts now and again, though Joel's pants are left alone for the sole reason that they'd fall right down Spencer's hips if he were to even try to put them on--that he barely notices when he's doing it anymore. This particular cardigan had looked smaller than the rest, too, and Spencer remembers eyeing it for a moment before deciding it could become a more permanent fixture of his own wardrobe. There's just something about wearing Joel's clothes that makes him feel so comforted, so connected to his husband when they're hardly ever apart in the first place, and it may sound silly to some but Spencer has never really cared what others think about how he feels. Especially not when it comes to how he feels about his family.

Even in that warehouse Roman had inhabited, forced to sit in freezing cold water for four days, Spencer had been wearing one of Joel's cardigans. It'd been baggier on him than this one, the sleeves falling past his wrists and sometimes falling victim to the water below if he wasn't careful, but Spencer had known even at the time that he'd needed it. He could never forget the feel of Joel's arms around him, the distinct smell of his husband that Spencer has come to be so familiar with and love so much, but the physical reminder of those things had been a necessary help to get through what Roman had done to him all the same.

It feels like that had happened so long ago, like it's so far behind them that he's merely poking at a distant memory, but he'd only walked out of that warehouse a little less than two months ago. The trip to New York had certainly been the best distraction from his horrific nightmares that Spencer could have asked for but in terms of the reason for time seemingly passing so quickly, he knows it's all due to their baby. Dane's birth had changed everything, though in the best possible way, and Spencer's eyes flicker toward the edge of the bed where he knows their son is sleeping soundly while Joel is working at slipping the cardigan off Spencer's body.

None of this seems like it should be real and a couple times since bringing Dane home, Spencer has had the briefest moments of panic in thinking that this could all just be another dream, another escape from the hell that'd been the reality of that warehouse, but then Joel does something like this and the truth comes rushing back to him. Even in his dreams, Joel's kisses aren't as gentle and loving as they are when he's awake. Everything in this life, no matter how much pain they've both had to go through to achieve the one they're living now, has been worth it to be lying in bed with the man he loves, the man he'd so quickly agreed to marry because Spencer had known that there could never be anyone else.

Four hundred and eighteen days ago, he'd met the love of his life. The only difference is that Spencer's love for Joel has only grown since then, more and more every day, just like he knows his love for their child will grow with each twitch or gurgle that Dane makes.

"I suspect that I'd think the opposite," Spencer says, letting his eyes flutter shut at the feel of Joel's fingers against his skin. "I think everything looks better on you. Then again, I think everything looks better off of you, too, so I may not be the best judge."

With Joel, his ability to think clearly sometimes becomes just the slightest bit compromised, but he doesn't think either of them mind that. The same is true of Joel, he thinks, they do things to each other that nobody else in this world could be capable of doing because there's nothing about this relationship that isn't simply right. They may not be perfect--well, Spencer would argue that Joel absolutely is--but they're perfect for each other. As far as Spencer is concerned, nothing else matters.

[just_another]

That gets a soft huff of laughter out of Joel as he sits up long enough to hook his fingers in the hem of his t-shirt so he can pull it over his head. Then he's pressed up against Spencer again, sliding his hands back under his husband's shirt and helping him pull it up and off, and once they're both discarded on the ground, Joel pulls back again, just enough that he can meet Spencer's gaze, a playful smile curling the corners of his mouth. "I think you're right," he says after he's appraised Spencer closely, giving him a nice, long look. "I think I do prefer when all your clothes are on the floor instead of on your body."

And while he's partly teasing, echoing Spencer's sentiment, he also means it sincerely. Undressing Spencer has been a favourite activity of his since the very first time he had been lucky enough to do it and he doesn't imagine that's ever going to change. There are still days when Joel feels like he needs to shake himself out of this stupor he's found himself in, when he needs to really look at his life and see if it's actually happening, because it all seems like a dream he never would have even imagined for himself not all that long ago. They've been married for nearly a year now, a wedding they'd decided on having on a complete whim. Marrying Spencer had been something Joel had known he wanted almost right from the start, but that evening after a stupid little fight, he would never have expected to be where they ended up, yet he knows there's nothing better they could have done. They were meant to elope, just like they were meant to meet, just like they were meant to have this perfect baby, and for someone who's spent his entire life denying the very existence of fate or destiny, Joel seems to have become perfectly content with accepting that he's discovered his.

And Spencer is perfect for him. They connect on every single level, they agree on the most important things, and in the rare instances when their ideas differ, they've learned to talk to each other about things. Joel would have never imagined he could be good at compromise, but then he had met Spencer and he'd realized that wanting to do anything in the world to make someone happy meant being willing to compromise without a second's thought. It's not as if Spencer ever asks him anything difficult, but even if he were, even if he were to come home tomorrow and tell Joel they had to do something like find a new home for Balto, he knows he would at least sit down and listen to Spencer's reasons.

Of course, being able to claim something like that -- even in his head -- is made easier by the knowledge that Spencer would never ask it of him. Spencer has never done anything but want the best for Joel, too, and as his hand slides between their bodies so he can first toy absently with Spencer's belt, then press against his cock through his jeans, he smiles against his skin. They make quite the pair and he knows it, always trying to do what the other would want, always going out of their way to make the other happy. It works, though, and he wonders if more marriages would survive if people did such things. It isn't that he would ever consider himself an expert, but he knows what works for the two of them, he knows what helps them feel closer to each other, and he wonders if these are the sorts of things people claim would fall by the wayside after some time. If five or ten years go by and they stop trying to make the other person happy.

That isn't going to happen here. He's never going to stop trying to make Spencer happy and as he kisses a slow path down the edge of his husband's collarbone, his palm still rubbing against him, his smile grows.

"I'm going to make you happy forever," he murmurs and he realizes he's just vocalizing all the thoughts he's just had, that Spencer won't know where it's all come from, but it doesn't matter. He's always been like this with Spencer, either struggling to find the right words or going through so many that what he's saying still might not make sense, but somehow Spencer has always worked it out in the end. He's never seemed to have much trouble translating what Joel means. "I'm going to try, anyway, and if I'm ever not making you happy I just want you to tell me." He kisses Spencer's chest, rubs his cheek against him, enjoying the feel of his beard moving against his skin. "Just tell me. Because I never want us to forget how to make the other happy."

[doublethepain]

There are certain moments between them that seem to move in slow motion, some of them so incredibly important that Spencer knows there's no possible way he could ever forget them; but then there are the moments like this, like watching Joel tug his shirt off and watching the way each bit of his husband's body becomes more and more revealed by the second, as he watches the way Joel's arms flex with the movement and how his broad shoulders roll just slightly as he tosses his shirt to the floor. Once in awhile, Spencer still can't quite believe that he's married to someone so incredibly beautiful, how someone who looks like Joel could want him when Spencer is certain that he could likely have anyone else in this town if he were so inclined to want them.

Joel tells him that he's beautiful all the time, and Spencer has never thought of himself as particularly unattractive--in fact, he's never thought much on his looks at all until Joel had entered into his life and made him feel for the first time in his life that he could be sexy--but to know that this particular man could look at him every day and want to do things like undress him and make love to him is, by far, one of the most overwhelmingly wonderful things that will ever happen to him in this lifetime. It's part of what makes their sex life so incredible, that their complimentary words to each other aren't empty. Spencer has never once doubted that when Joel looks him in the eyes and murmurs that he's the most beautiful man he's ever seen that his husband doesn't mean it.

It's far enough into the future that it doesn't make Spencer panic to merely think about the subject but one day, he knows they're going to have to talk to their son about sex, about what Dane needs to decide he wants it to mean to him. It pleases Spencer in what might be an odd way that he'll be able to say that Joel has been his only partner since an ill-advised first time in high school, and it doesn't cheapen their relationship at all that he hasn't been Joel's only other, but neither of them had been especially experienced in the bedroom when they'd met. Still, they've done things with each other that Spencer never could have pictured himself doing, and it's all because of the trust they've put in each other. Joel is the only one Spencer would be willing to bend over a table for or to let fuck him on a balcony in New York. Joel is the only man Spencer has ever wanted inside him at all, the only man he ever will want.

As a father, he can only hope that his son will one day find someone to love as dearly as he loves his husband.

"I'll never have to tell you that," Spencer answers, a soft moan escaping him at the feel of Joel's hand against his cock, rolling his hips as his length twitches under his jeans. It only takes the slightest touch, the right kind of eye contact, sometimes just a single word, and Spencer is at Joel's mercy--and he doesn't mind that one bit, for the most part, but he knows that there will be no fight for control here. Joel is the one who's taken the initiative but it isn't like New York, his husband isn't giving demands that make Spencer harder than he's ever been before, but it doesn't make this feel any less good.

With the baby asleep beside them, they're going to have to take this soft and slow, much like they had on Christmas when Ellie and Brian had been just a couple rooms over, and Spencer lets a quiet laugh escape him as he blinks up at his husband with a lazy smile. "If I'm ever unhappy, it won't be because of you that. If there's anything I'm sure of in this world, it's that."

Maybe they'll get a bit snappy at each other when they're at their most exhausted, especially when they have two little, perfect children running around the house rather than just one, but Spencer knows they'll never stop being happy together.

"We didn't come this far to stop being happy," he continues, gazing down the length of his chest at Joel and brushing his fingers gently through Joel's hair with another gentle roll of his hips. "This is forever. You and me. I'll never stop loving you as much as I do now."

His heart lurches in his chest with the words, a physical of just how true what he's saying is, and he tugs lightly at his husband's hair before leaning forward to capture Joel's lips with his own. It's tender and it's sweet and it's slow, but the passion is there, as it always is. Truly, he thinks, nothing could ever take this away from them.

[just_another]

Although Spencer isn't saying anything Joel doesn't already know, he still feels a tightening in his chest at his words, a flush of pleasure and warmth spreading through his body and down his chest, making every last part of him feel as if he's on fire. It isn't just Spencer's touch that does it to him now, it's everything, the words he's saying, the things he's promising and Joel knows it's all the truth. They're forever, they're never going to stop loving each other, and that knowledge, those words, just as much as Spencer's hand in his hair, makes him feel like he's never been so loved and so complete. When Spencer tugs at his hair, he moves up easily, meeting him in a kiss that feels like he's falling into it. Coming home. It feels like the only place he's ever meant to be and while he knows that isn't entirely true anymore, while he knows now they have Dane to think about, too, now they have a baby who's going to make their lives complete, this is still the first place he ever felt safe. Spencer is the first person who's ever made him feel like things will work out, he's the first person to give Joel a place to come home to. He's the only person who has ever made Joel feel like he never has to be sorry for who he is or the parts of his personality that some might consider a little less than desirable. In Spencer's arms is really the only place Joel feels completely safe, completely comfortable and completely loved.

"This is forever," he whispers against Spencer's mouth, holding himself over his husband with one arm as he reaches down between their bodies with the other and begins to undo his jeans. His fingers brush Spencer's skin, warm and familiar, and he carefully undoes the zipper on his jeans before he can push his hand inside, for a moment just allowing himself to get lost in the feel of Spencer's lips under his and the warmth of his cock pressing against his palm. He's utterly perfect. No one in all of history has ever been this perfect and Joel almost finds himself laughing with the knowledge that he really is by far the luckiest man in the world.

"Oh, Spencer," he says, his voice soft, though he has nothing to follow it. There's only love there in his tone, nothing less than that. Love and desire and acceptance. The need to be closer still than they already are, the need to show his husband just how much he loves him instead of only saying it. He shifts on the bed, moves until he can kneel between Spencer's thighs and then drops another kiss to the centre of his chest before he slowly begins to tug Spencer's jeans down. Moving like this, taking his time, it means he has every opportunity to just look at Spencer, too, and enjoy what he's seeing. Unable to help himself, he ducks his head and presses another kiss to Spencer's stomach, then the edge of one hip as its revealed. There's nothing better than this, nothing better than just revelling in this man he loves so much, nothing better than watching as bit by bit, he's exposed to Joel on their bed. He still remembers the first night they spent here, how awkward he had felt and yet how entirely right it had felt at the same time. They had undressed, they'd both been injured, still trying to figure out what they meant to each other, but Joel knows now that he'd been in love with Spencer even then. All he had wanted was to keep him safe and now he realizes they keep each other safe. It isn't just Spencer's body he wants to protect, but his beautiful heart. He needs to keep it safe, keep it from ever being hurt again.

By the time he has Spencer's jeans and briefs off and discarded gently on the floor so as not to make too much noise and wake the baby, Joel is already hard enough that he's aching. With a little grin, he reaches down and undoes his own jeans, stripping out of them as quickly as possible so he can return to Spencer and stretch out over his body. He reaches down, taking one of Spencer's hands in his own and then drags it up, pinning his wrist gently on the pillow above his head. For a moment he just hovers there, his body pressed against Spencer's, that same little grin curving the corners of his lips and he has no idea how this works, how he's still so stunned by the depth of what he feels after all this time, but he knows it's never going to stop. Each and every day his husband is going to amaze him, each and every day he's going to stop at least once and be reminded of this, of how lucky they are. Each and every day, he's going to be grateful for what they've found together, what they've made, the family and the home they've built.

He will never stop being grateful for it.

Then he drops his hips, rolls them against Spencer's body and finds himself fighting back a groan at the feel of friction against his cock. He can feel Spencer hard against his hip and he moves, adjusting himself so his cock is pressing alongside Spencer's and with that same grin he rolls his hips down again. It's such an incredible feeling, it sends a shiver down his spine and what feels like sparks going off under his skin and he knows he'll never want for anything with this man in his life.

[doublethepain]

They'd had practice staying quiet while having sex when Raleigh had still lived here, but it's been a few months now since she'd moved out so having to remember to keep himself in check for the sake of the baby is still something he's trying to get used to. He manages to muffle a moan against his own shoulder, shuddering with pleasure as Joel rolls his hips and their cocks press perfectly together in a way that has Spencer curling his toes. He's tempted to say he has no idea how they're able to keep their sex life so alive and passionate when so many other people, married couples in particular, often seem to claim that spark simply fizzles after a certain period of time but the truth is that he knows exactly how they do it. At least, he has a very good guess.

They'd made a promise of sorts, before they'd gotten married and even before they'd admitted they were in love that they wouldn't disappoint each other. It'd been an enormous thing to commit to but neither of them have ever done anything lightly so even when things were still so new between them, Spencer had believed Joel when he'd said that all he'd wanted was this, was Spencer. It's been over a year now and the spark is even stronger now after all they've been through, after all they've survived together, and Spencer can honestly say that since the day Joel had come over to tend to him after the lighthouse, he hasn't spent a moment being disappointed with the man he'd already chosen to spend the rest of his life with.

It isn't enough to love keep loving a spouse, he thinks, people who are married have to remain in love if they have any hope of staying together for the long haul. When Spencer had invited Joel into his bed, it hadn't been because all he'd wanted was a night of physical comfort. If that'd been what he'd wanted, he supposes he could have gone elsewhere but there's never been anyone for Spencer but Joel. He's never so much as looked at anyone beyond a casual acknowledgment of attractiveness because in Siren Cove, that's impossible to ignore. Joel, on the other hand, has always made Spencer feel like nobody else could ever compare. That will always be the truth, there could never be anyone in the world who could make Spencer's chest swell with love or his cock harden in arousal as quickly as his husband can, and he's grateful for that because what it means to him is that he's been fortunate enough to find the one person meant for him.

Others search for ages before they meet their soulmates, if they ever do, and Spencer hadn't even believed in such a thing until Joel had told him about the column of energy that regularly keeps them connected. They're meant to be on the same path, he's certain of that, and he quietly sympathizes with those who feel alone because it hadn't been all too long ago that he had, too. Loneliness had become as much a part of him as the grief over all he's lost, but Joel had been the one to bring him back to life. He'd moved through his life as if there was nothing worth truly living for, and he knows the few he'd been able to call friends then had seen it but none of them had been close enough to him to know how to help.

The reason for that, he supposes, is because he'd been waiting all that time for Joel to walk into his life to revitalize it. Getting out of bed and knowing that Joel would meet him for lunch that day had given him purpose, even though he hadn't yet been sure of what that purpose could be, but he knows it now. His purpose in this life is to be the best husband and father he can, to love Joel and Dane more than he's loved anyone before because they deserve to know that they're irreplaceable in Spencer's heart. Every single day, he tries to find a way to make sure his husband knows he's valued, and Spencer doesn't have to wonder if he succeeds because he feels it returned in every glance, every touch, every word.

Reaching between them with a huffed sigh that speaks to his impatience, Spencer wraps his fingers around their cocks as he makes sure to meet Joel's gaze and gives them a long, slow stroke. It's torturous for himself but even better is the chance to watch the expressions play across his husband's features, especially as he does it again and again and again.

"You're going to feel so good," he murmurs, smirking playfully before pressing a kiss to Joel's shoulder then biting down on his husband's skin, just hard enough to leave a mark.

[just_another]

"God, Spencer," Joel hisses, feeling little sparks of pleasure going off under his skin, all over his body, his muscles tightening and tensing as he feels his husband's hand sliding over their cocks. For a moment he's just lost to that, to the perfect sensation of Spencer slowly jerking them both off and it doesn't matter how many times they do this, how many times they're in bed together and how many times Joel does this to himself, nothing compares to the feeling of Spencer's long fingers wrapped around him. There has to be some magic at work, he thinks, some amazing thing that makes Spencer's warm palm and clever fingers better than anyone else's could ever be and while Joel doesn't have an extensive list with which to compare him, he's always been leaps and bounds better than anyone else. He's always known, right from the start, how best to touch Joel, and even just this, just the slow stroke of his hand, their cocks pressed hard together, the sharp press of Spencer's teeth on his shoulder, it's enough to nearly send Joel tumbling toward the edge.

He could, he thinks. He could come right now and still make this good for Spencer, because he's gotten it into his head that he wants to sit up and straddle Spencer's hips and slowly sink onto his cock. It's not usually Spencer fucking Joel, but there are times when he wants nothing more and that's how he feels tonight. Like he needs his husband to be filling him, he needs to be riding him, moving carefully on their bed, rocking himself back against Spencer's cock and even just the thought makes him shudder with pleasure. But he doesn't want to come yet, he wants to wait, he wants to make it last and so he reaches down between them, covering Spencer's hand with his own, stilling his movements. "I already feel good," he answers with a laugh, resisting the nearly uncontrollable urge he has to roll his hips, to just keep fucking Spencer's fist until he comes on him, warm and tired and satisfied. "You always make me feel good."

It takes some shifting, but he pulls back a little, moves until he's straddling Spencer's thighs and he knows he could move up the bed and grab their bottle of lube, but first he wants to spend a little more time paying attention to Spencer. Pressing both his hands into the mattress on either side of his husband, he presses kisses down his chest, across his collarbone and then lower toward one nipple. His tongue slips out, smoothing over Spencer's skin before he nips at him gently, taking his nipple between his teeth and biting down, just shy of hurting. He wonders how many hours he's done this, how much time of his life already had been spent just exploring Spencer's body with his mouth and then he comes to the decision that it doesn't matter how much time. However many hours he's spent on making Spencer feel good, it isn't enough. It's never going to be enough. This man deserves the utmost care every single day and all Joel can do is hope he manages to give him at least a fraction of what he deserves.

"Sometimes," he murmurs as he continues his path down Spencer's body, pausing every so often to kiss or lick or even gently bite his skin. "Sometimes you make me feel a little too good and I have to back off before I feel wonderful far too early." He knows he's rambling, not something he's usually prone to doing, but there are times when it comes a little easier. He hasn't attempted to say anything particularly dirty, which usually helps, but when it comes to Spencer everything flows just a little easier than it does for the rest of the world. He's more comfortable here than he's ever been anywhere else and it shows in the fact that he can just let himself go, that he can speak without worrying how it might be taken or if someone is going to think poorly of him for what he says.

His fingers wrap around the base of Spencer's cock as his mouth reaches his hip and Joel bites down here, too, a little harder, enough to leave behind a little mark. It won't last, he's sure of that, but for the moment it's there, a little reminder that his mouth has been here, though in truth, when it comes to Spencer, his mouth really has been just about everywhere. "I'm going to make you feel good now," he whispers, tilting his head, his words puffing out air over the head of Spencer's cock. "And then I want you inside me."

Without waiting for an answer, he takes Spencer's cock into his mouth, groaning at the taste of him. It's so familiar now, the weight of him, the way he stretches Joel's lips, the way it feels to have Spencer filling him like this and Joel had had no idea he'd ever enjoy this so much.

[doublethepain]

It's time like this when Spencer doesn't know how he can stand this, twitching under Joel's lips and fingers while trying to keep himself from begging because he knows all he has to do is be patient. Joel just makes that so difficult sometimes because everything he does makes Spencer feel so incredible, so loved and wanted and needed, and he's never experienced anything like that with anyone else. The first time they'd had sex, he'd been surprised by how easy it was to let Joel take him over, to give himself so freely to this man, but it's not so surprising now, after he's already realized that he was already in love with him.

One of the things that makes their relationship so wonderful is that they each tend to think of the other as the one in control, which really only puts them on level ground, and Spencer never feels like he needs to fight to be heard because Joel always already seems to know what he's thinking. He's in a vulnerable position right now, under the familiar and welcome weight of Joel's body over his, but there's never been a moment in their intimacy that he's been worried Joel won't know exactly how to take care of him.

They've always moved in harmony, they've always been on the same page, but in exploring each other's bodies and really taking the time to discover each other's most sensitive areas, they've only been able to continuously maximize the time they spend together in bed. Or wherever else they decide they can't keep their hands off each other.

The promise of being inside of Joel is almost as arousing as watching the stretch of his husband's lips over his cock, and the words die on Spencer's tongue the second he opens his mouth to say them, a choked sob sounding instead as Joel's tongue swirls over the head of his cock and down the sides of his shaft. He has to cover his mouth with his hand to keep from letting out another loud moan, knowing that if he wakes up the baby, this is over and as much as he loves holding Dane in his arms, Spencer wants this so badly that it aches. There's a heat already rising within his belly, he can feel it, and Joel had said he sometimes feels like he might feel wonderful too early, but Spencer understands that all too well because right now, he feels like he could come just from this.

But he wants what Joel wants, as always. He wants to fuck his husband, slowly and gently with his hands grasping Joel's hips and his feet planted on the mattress. He wants to be holding Joel's gaze the whole time, pumping into him over and over until they're both coming in silence because they have no other options, and Spencer really needs to stop picturing it before it actually happens because it's doing nothing for his self-control.

"God," he manages through a long exhale, curling the fingers of one hand over Joel's shoulder the others through Joel's hair. There's no helping the slight roll of his hips that send his cock deeper into his husband's mouth, and Spencer whimpers in both arousal and apology as he tightens his grip on Joel's hair. "You have no idea how incredible you look right now, you're so unbelievably sexy, you know that?"

If Joel can ramble, so can he, especially now that his husband has his mouth full, and Spencer bites down hard on the inside of his cheek just to distract himself from the urge to jerk his hips again.

[just_another]

Now and then Joel has wondered how they look together. He's never been particularly convinced that he's especially handsome, but he knows how incredibly beautiful Spencer is and he believes his husband when he returns the compliments and so sometimes he thinks about what they must look like from the outside. No one else ever sees them and he never wants that to change, because having this very intimate thing with Spencer that's shared by absolutely no one else makes Joel even more aware of how incredibly special it is. But sometimes he still wonders and although they've taken pictures, that doesn't really help him understand how moments like this must look. He has one hand anchored on Spencer's hip, the other wrapped around his cock, moving in time with his mouth. His head is bobbing, slowly first, then faster, then slowly again, and Spencer's fingers are buried in his hair, his hips are rolling and Joel squeezes his eyes shut tight as he thinks about how they must look.

Even just inside his head, it's an exceptionally pleasing visual and he lets out a long, slow moan as he takes Spencer deeper into his mouth, as deep as he can go. A part of him just wants to make Spencer come from this, he wants to be able to feel his husband's dick pulsing in his mouth, between his lips, he wants to feel him coming down his throat, but more than that, he wants Spencer inside him. It isn't fair, he thinks, that they have to choose one or the other, but he supposes it's not over yet. Spencer can fuck him now and then tomorrow morning, before they have to get up and start the day, he can surprise Spencer by starting this all over again.

He pulls back, giving one long, last lick up the length of Spencer's cock and then he grins before he presses a few kisses to his husband's thigh and hip. At the same time he inches up the bed a little, groping carefully for the bedside table, making sure not to make too much noise as he opens the drawer. Slowly, he slides the drawer out and reaches inside for the small bottle of lubricant. They have several stashed in various places all over the house, though they've made sure to keep them well hidden, but this is the easiest to get to at the moment and he very much does not want to wait any longer than they already have. Sliding back up, straddling Spencer's hips, he presses the bottle into his husband's hand, making it clear what he wants him to do. He doesn't think he has to ask, he knows Spencer can read him better than anyone and while he could slick up his own fingers, prepare himself, it's always better to have Spencer do it for him.

As he waits, he slips one hand around Spencer's cock again, stroking him slowly, letting the other travel up his stomach and over his chest. He loves just touching Spencer more than he ever would have understood before their physical relationship began. Joel had always been perfectly content not having a relationship like this, he'd never worried about finding someone to sleep with, he'd never felt like he particularly needed sex, but with Spencer he's never been able to stop touching him. That sort of closeness, knowing he can just touch Spencer whenever he likes, it's incredible. It's something he'd needed all along and had never really known it.

[doublethepain]

The decision to hide their healthy supply of lubricant in various places around the house is quite possibly one of the best ideas they've come up with together, and Spencer has no idea how other people manage to maintain a regular sex life without having everything they need within reach because there'd be nothing more devastating right now than if either one of them were to have to get up to go hunt for the bottle that Joel is pressing into his hand. The thing is, they've come to learn themselves and each other well enough over the course of the time they've been sexually active together to know that nowhere is safe when it comes to when they get aroused. All it really takes is one look, one intense gaze from across the room from his husband to make Spencer's cock twitch in his pants, and it's happened more than once that he's been very innocently shelving--maybe with his back arched and his ass out more when he bends over than usual--before turning to see Joel watching him with that hungry look of desire that Spencer can spot so easily now.

They've had to close the store, assuming Charlotte is out, just so they can rush to the back room for a quick session of intimacy before they're back out on the floor greeting customers as if all they'd done is share a lunch. They both prefer not having to rush, of course, but in dire situations, they're not above it. Anything to make Joel happy, to make him moan the way Spencer likes to hear, to make his body rock hard enough when he comes that they can both walk away still feeling like their bodies are trembling with their orgasms. He might even argue that it makes his customer service significantly better, which chemically doesn't come as much of a surprise.

But this, this is something that's a little more rare than backroom lovemaking, and Spencer always feels like he needs to treat it more reverently. He isn't often the one to have his cock buried inside of Joel but every time it happens this way, every time they feel the inclination, it sends Spencer's mind reeling because he can vividly imagine each of the previous times they've done this. Most recently, Spencer had fucked Joel over the desk in the library, had pushed his tongue into Joel's ass and tasted his own release before swallowing his husband's come down his throat and loving every second of it. He knows it isn't what most people would expect of them, and Spencer imagines anyone who might spend an inappropriate second thinking of what their sex life is like would probably think that they keep things very vanilla, simply because of who they are and what they're like with everyone else.

With each other, they've always been able to let go. They've always been able to be themselves, just Spencer and Joel, without having to worry that they might be judged in some way for something they do or say. As Joel begins to stroke him again, using another hand to roam over his body, Spencer can't help but just stare up at his husband in awe. It's the perfect angle because he can see everything from Joel's broad shoulders and strong arms to the trail of hair that leads down to his generous length; but what's most important right now is making sure that when he's finally inside of Joel, everything feels as good for both of them as it always should.

It doesn't take him long to coat his fingers with lube, and Spencer grins as he shimmies beneath Joel to get a better reach as his arm arches over Joel's thigh and around his hip. He circles slowly at the ring of muscle that he so desperately wants to be fucking now, though he knows how importance patience is when it comes to this, and he slowly pushes one finger into Joel's ass and hooks it once he's reached the second knuckle. Just that threatens to undo him, the feeling of how tight around just one finger Joel is, not to mention the changing expressions on his husband's face.

"I could watch you forever," Spencer says, pulling his finger halfway out before pushing it in again. "I wish you could see yourself, baby, you look so incredible right now."

[just_another]

Like every single time Spencer touches him like this, Joel can feel his chest growing tight with anticipation, his breath already coming in quick, shallow gasps, and a low whine builds up in his throat as he feels Spencer's finger pressing inside him. It takes a little longer for them to prepare when it's Spencer who's going to be inside Joel, but he doesn't think either of them mind all that much, because it's as much fun having Spencer slowly and carefully press his fingers inside his ass as having to do it for Spencer. It feels just as incredible, albeit in a significantly different way and although there would never be a moment in which Joel would say he was bored with their sex life, he also loves that they can change things now and then, that Spencer is willing to do this for him, though he knows there's nothing they wouldn't do for each other. Given that ridiculous costume he'd worn for Spencer on Halloween, he thinks he can say with confidence that they're willing to try almost anything if it makes the other person feel good; or even if it just makes them laugh apparently. Joel can't think of anything Spencer might suggest they do together in bed that he would be so turned off by that he wouldn't even give it a chance.

Everyone has limits, he knows that. And he's sure they both have things they wouldn't consider particularly appealing, but he thinks if there's anything so out of his comfort zone that it would turn him off, it's probably not the sort of thing Spencer is all that interested in either. Although they've both had fairly limited experience before meeting each other, they've been on the same page more often than not, to the extent Joel thinks they really have nothing to worry about when it comes to their sexual preferences aligning. If they were, if one of them were to come up with something so completely out of the blue that it genuinely threw the other off, he knows they would be able to talk about it. The best thing about being this close to someone, knowing so much about them is knowing they'll always be open to talking. Knowing he can say whatever he needs to and Spencer will always listen.

Not that he's capable of saying anything right now, not with Spencer's finger pressing into him and then slowly pulling out. Even just this is incredible and he makes another noise low in his throat, something that could easily be interpreted as a whimper and he pushes back against Spencer's fingers, his lips parted, sweat standing out across his brow and along his shoulders.

"Another," he gasps, letting Spencer know he's okay, he feels good, and when his husband presses a second finger inside him and then, ultimately, a third, Joel's head tips back as he braces both his hands on Spencer's chest. There's electricity shivering up his spine, some of the most intense feelings he's ever known and it shouldn't surprise him any longer, not when it happens so often with Spencer, but it takes him off guard every single time. This is what Spencer does to him, makes him into something new, turns him inside out and finds places Joel never even knew existed. Spencer turns him into a new man, into a better man, helps him understand things about himself, and he makes him feel better and happier than any other person in the entire world will ever be able to. There are times when Joel wishes he knew the right words to say these things, because the thoughts rise up, like bubbles to the surface of water, and he feels like he might be able to grasp the enormity of them for just a moment before they pop and leave nothing but air behind. The feeling itself doesn't dissipate, but his ability to describe it, the ability he has to put it into words, it just floats away and he's left with something indescribable.

"I need more," he manages to say finally, though that's not nearly all he wants to communicate. His fingers curl under slightly, short, blunt nails scraping lightly at Spencer's chest. "I need you." And that's not nearly enough either. It doesn't make it clear just how important Spencer is to him and how he would never be able to get along without him, but it's all he can manage at the moment. His body rocks again, moving against Spencer's fingers and he makes another desperate kind of sobbing noise, his head dropping forward again, looking at Spencer, taking him in. He wants to say so much, he wants to tell Spencer how wonderful he is, how loved he is, how incredible their lives will be together, but he's said all that already. Now all he can do is be here in this moment. Get lost in the intense pleasure that seems to be rolling through him, slow and lazy, as if it's in no rush to get him where he'll ultimately be.

[doublethepain]

Joel isn't the only one who needs more, though Spencer can't find it in himself to actually voice the thought. His cock is leaking pre-come and throbbing so hard that it's already aching for release, his body desperate for friction it will soon get if Spencer manages to reach for the bottle of lube again before watching Joel fuck himself on his fingers doesn't do him in first. He wishes he could stop time right now, wishes he could be allowed to just watch this without the extreme sense of urgency they're both experiencing right now, because Spencer isn't sure that Joel could look more beautiful than this. His husband's body is already slick with sweat, his expression needy and wanton, and a quick flicker of his gaze down to Joel's cock tells Spencer that they're very much in the same state when it comes to how badly they need each other right now.

He lets out a low, regretful groan as he slides his fingers from Joel's tight warmth, and he leans his body forward to press a quick kiss to his husband's knee and glides his hands gently over his thighs before he takes the bottle beside him in hand again and squeezes a generous amount of lube onto his palm. Spencer bites down hard on his lip, hard enough that he's surprises he doesn't draw blood, then wraps his coated fingers around his erection and starts to stroke himself. He rubs at the head with his thumb, finding Joel's eyes as he prepares himself for what's next.

"Come here," he says, his voice sounding huskily from his dry throat, almost like he hasn't talked in days, and Spencer does admittedly feel like he's been rendered speechless for much longer than a moment or two. He grips Joel's hips and encourages him to move forward and sit up on his knees until Spencer can align himself with Joel's ass. He rolls his hips upward and even just that, the slightest nudge of his cock where it's supposed to be, drags a moan from him as he gently guides Joel onto him. It takes longer for the initial push than it does Joel, though that's really only because Spencer is usually the one begging to be fucked, but once he's entered him, everything else comes so naturally, so easily.

He watches his cock disappear into Joel's ass, his mouth agape at the sight that never fails to turn him on, and he keeps his hands on his husband's hips as he plants his feet against the mattress, doing his best to stay as quiet as possible so they don't wake the baby. It's always more difficult than Spencer thinks it will be, especially considering they've both been making a fair amount of noise so far, but he'd much rather make love to his husband than have to rush to attend to their crying child, so Spencer swallows the whine building in his throat as he bottoms out inside of Joel. For a moment, they stay still, gazing at each other with dazed expressions and glassy eyes before Spencer can't take it anymore and starts to move.

His thrusts are steady, firm enough for skin to slap against skin as they start to fuck, but Spencer still isn't satisfied. He wants to stay buried like this, yes, but he needs Joel to be closer, always closer, always as close as they can be to each other because being entwined with his husband is exactly where he always wants to be. He moves his hands back to wrap his arms around Joel's waist, pulling his husband toward him so the angle of his thrusts change as he draws Joel in for a kiss. "Better," he murmurs against Joel's lips, hiding his face against his shoulder to muffle a grunt at another thrust. "Need you close, I want to feel you, all of you."

[just_another]

It's incredible, like it always is, and even in the midst of such pleasure, his mind all but blank to anything but the feel of Spencer's cock slowly pressing inside his body, Joel wonders why they don't do this more often. Why they don't switch every single day, because while he desperately loves fucking Spencer, while being inside his husband makes him feel like there's nothing better, whenever they change positions he knows it isn't true. Because like this, with Spencer slowly fucking him, Joel feels like he's being taken over, like nothing else could ever possibly matter, and he knows he still needs to be quiet in order to not wake Dane, but a low moan begins to build in his throat and he squeezes his eyes shut tight for a moment as he tries to find some kind of control. Feeling like this, filled and content and like someone is owning him is the sort of thing he knows he'll never be able to describe and he feels this way so often with Spencer. There aren't words to appropriately capture what he feels like, what they're like together, and it's just as good as being inside Spencer, but in an entirely different way. They're not comparable, not even remotely, and he wants them both to experience both these things as often as they possibly can.

There are limitations on what they can do now, they have less time together than they used to, but Joel thinks this will only spur them to make the most of it. With his knees braced on other side of Spencer, he uses the bed to push back, to roll himself onto his husband's cock, to meet each of Spencer's thrusts and he does groan finally, the sound slipping out of him without his permission and if he had the ability to unwrap his fingers from the sheet under Spencer's body, he might cover his mouth with his fingers just to keep back the sounds that keep threatening to spill out of him. They had done such a good job of keeping quiet when they hadn't been living alone and while he knows Dane isn't old enough to understand any of what's going on, Joel still wants to take care not to wake him. He doesn't want this moment interrupted, he doesn't want to have to stop, especially not when Spencer drags him forward and the angle of his thrusts change and Joel has to press his mouth against Spencer's throat to muffle the sounds that he wants to desperately to make. They feel like the only way he can properly communicate what he's feeling right now, better than words will ever be able to.

"Spencer," he breathes, his lips still pressed against his throat, using his husband's warm, damp skin as a way to muffle his sighs and groans. He has both hands braced on either side of Spencer's head now, his fingers wrapped so tight in the sheets that he knuckles hurt, and he's still moving with him, pressing back against his throats, arching his hips and rolling to meet him. He can feel Spencer's heart beating against his chest where they're pressed together and it grounds him, it gives him something to focus on besides just how incredible he feels, something to distract himself because it he focuses everything on what it feels like to have Spencer so deep inside him he knows he isn't going to last long. He knows the friction of his cock pressing against Spencer's belly is going to undo him within moments unless he can make himself think of something besides how perfect he feels.

He's trembling already, breathing hard, and he turns his head, pressing kisses along the edge of Spencer's jaw and down the column of his throat. He can taste salt on Spencer's skin, he can feel the heat of their room weighing down on him and he makes a sound almost like a whimper as he rocks back against Spencer's cock. Then he lifts his head, their bodies still pressed together, but just enough so that he can look at his husband. His perfect, beautiful husband, the man who looks at him as if he's perfect, too. The only person in the world who has ever made Joel feel this loved and wanted, the only person who's ever made him feel as if there's somewhere he belongs. "Kiss me," he manages to whisper, the words coming out shaking and hoarse. "God, Spencer, kiss me."

[doublethepain]

Every time they make love, Spencer becomes more certain than the last time that there can't possibly be anything better than being this close to the man he loves. Whether they believe that they'd met by chance or through fate, whether the column of energy that exists between them in their auras was always meant to be there, or whether they would have spent the rest of their lives alone if they hadn't met that day the Hydra had destroyed the town, Spencer knows better than anything else that no matter what happens in their lives, no matter what difficulties they face, nothing could ever tear them apart again.

The world has already tried, in the 417 days since they'd met, it's tried a number of times to test them, but they've come out stronger each time. With each passing day, really, there's something that makes them fall deeper in love, and Spencer can feel it. The bond between them is palpable, practically an entity all on its own, and it's represented by the rings on their fingers, the lives they've learned to share, the baby at their bedside. Spencer never ceases to be amazed by how easily he can get lost in this, how mindlessly he leans forward to catch Joel's lips in a passionate kiss just because his husband had asked him to even though both of them know asking wouldn't have been necessary in the first place. Kissing Joel, aside from being intimate with him, is Spencer's favorite thing to do, their mouths just move so naturally well against each other, as if they've been doing this together all their lives.

It feels like that sometimes, like they've been in love forever. Spencer moans into Joel's mouth at the thought, at how much better it is to fuck his husband with the knowledge that neither of them would ever stray from each other, would never even think about leaving because how could they possibly leave a life as incredible as this? In these moments, when they're having sex and their limbs are tangled and the only sounds filling the room are that of their own gasps and moans, Spencer tends to forget that there's a world outside them because a world without Joel at the center of it is one he doesn't want to know.

He reaches his hands out to press against Joel's ass, spreading him wider so Spencer can fuck him even deeper as he thrusts hard enough to make himself sweat, watching as Joel rides him and their bodies work with each other expertly, always in harmony. Every thrust is met with a roll of Joel's hips, and Spencer can feel the throes of ecstasy shooting through him as he nears his climax. He doesn't want to stop yet, doesn't want to let go until Joel comes first because he wants to feel the way his body jerks above him, the way Joel's ass tightens around his cock, and he so badly wishes he could take Joel's length into his mouth right now because the very best thing would be to swallow him down before spilling into him; but seeing as he can't do that, Spencer settles for the alternative and brings one hand back up to wrap around his husband's cock, briefly lifting the other before swiftly dropping his palm back down for a smack.

It's a risk with the baby asleep next to them, he knows that, and Spencer would be chastising himself if not for the way Joel's muscles tighten around him as they had the last time he'd done this, so he does it one more time then gently rubs at the reddening skin that's sure to sting just a little bit later. "Oh, god, Joel," he says through breathless gasps, blinking sweat out of his eyes and shaking his damp hair from his face as he looks between them, watching Joel's cock being pumped through his fist. "Joel, fuck, please. Please, I'm so close, I need you to come for me. I need to watch you first."

[just_another]

Joel isn't even sure what he's doing anymore. His body has taken control and it's moving without his help, without thought. Distantly he's aware that the muscles in his thighs are burning, that he's going to feel this tomorrow and a thought flits through his mind that he can't wait for that. He can't wait to roll out of bed in the morning and hiss with pain as his sore, cold muscles suddenly flare bright and hot, then grin as he remembers just why they hurt like they do. Feeling used up in the best possible way, knowing he and Spencer have done things to each other than no one else ever has or ever will do to either of them, walking to the shower as he remembers how everything felt and possibly becoming aroused all over again just on the memory. They won't always have the time and opportunity for something like this, he knows he may need to take care of himself in the shower in the morning when he finds himself thinking back to whatever it is he and Spencer have gotten up to before, but at least he knows he'll have a deep well of memories from which to pull. Even if they can't make as much time to be alone as they were once able to, Joel has no doubt they're going to continue to make a fair few memories for him to enjoy in the future and he shudders just at the thought of it as Spencer's hand comes down on his ass.

There's going to be a mark on his ass. He's only vaguely aware of that, too, and he has to bite down on his lower lip to keep himself from laughing or moaning too loudly, the sound he makes caught somewhere between the two. Spencer wants him to come, he's practically begging for it, stroking Joel's cock, thrusting into him at the same time and there's a part of Joel that just wants to hang on even longer and really hear what it's like when Spencer begs, but he knows it's better not to push their luck. Dane has been quiet this long and Joel would hate to push it further than this and lose their chance because the baby wakes up, so he lets himself focus on everything he's feeling rather than trying to distract himself from it. His cock is sliding through Spencer's fist, the friction absolutely perfect, and he can feel his husband inside of him, thrusting up, filling him completely. He can hear Spencer's laboured breathing, the sound of his moans, and when he looks down for a second he almost stops moving, because his husband, as always, is such an incredible sight.

He's damp with sweat, his skin glistening with it and there's a curl plastered to his forehead, another at the temple and Joel finally manages to unwrap his cramped fingers from the sheet so he can cup Spencer's face, his thumb sliding across his cheek. His eyes are wide and clear, focused on Joel, on his pleasure, and for a moment he feels his throat tightening at the visual reminder of just how much he's loved. No one has ever looked at him like that before. No one has ever cared so much about how he feels. He is so loved and he blinks several times, his eyes stinging.

"Spencer," he murmurs and his orgasm nearly takes him by surprise. One hand is still bunched in the bedsheets, but he has the other resting against Spencer's cheek and his thumb goes still, his fingers tightening against the back of Spencer's neck as a ripple of pleasure goes through him. He's coming almost before he realizes he's going to, his muscles going taut, both his knees driving hard into the bed as he braces himself and pushes back against Spencer's cock at the same time. His body jerks as he comes in Spencer's hand, spilling across his belly, and he moans low in his throat, his fingers pressing harder against the back of Spencer's neck, holding onto him tightly. It seems to roll through him without stopping and when he feels like he can finally breathe again, he's panting hard, his heart hammering in his chest, but it doesn't stop him from pushing back again, from encouraging his husband to keep thrusting into him.

[doublethepain]

It's unlike anything he's ever experienced before, fucking Joel, he'd never had anything to really compare it to the first time they'd done this on the cruise. For years, Spencer had opted not to get involved in any sort of physical relationship with anyone and not only because he hadn't felt a connection, a pull he hadn't realized he'd absolutely needed before he could even begin to actually feel good about intimacy. The very first time he'd had sex on his prom night, he and his partner had both been so... detached. They'd gone through the motions as if entirely uninterested in each other, which Spencer had realized later was very much the truth, and they'd both reached their climaxes that night but he has no doubt in his mind that they'd each gotten there by thinking about something else.

Even that night, he'd known there would never be any sort of future with Darcy, he'd been under no delusions about that; but if he really considers why he'd ended up in bed with her at the Inn & Lodge, Spencer thinks that for a moment, he'd wanted anyone to think he was worth the trouble. It's rare that he compares himself to other people, he doesn't look at people in this town and wonder whether he's as attractive or as likable because he doesn't particularly care. Insecurity has played an enormous part in his life, yes, but more than a decade had gone by since he'd lost his virginity without much of a thought being given to whether he was the kind of person who could ever be loved.

He'd simply just come to the conclusion that he wasn't and that was that. It'd been a fact he'd accepted, almost as easily as his own name, and that had made things so much easier. Believing he'd always be alone had somehow been better for him than holding on to any sort of hope that one day, someone could be as passionate about him as he knows his mother had been for his father.

When he's with Joel, there's nothing that could make his mind wander. There's no thinking of someone else or something else to make him come, no outside distraction--aside from their baby now, he supposes--that could make him any less attracted to his husband, and Spencer finds himself driving his cock harder and deeper as Joel rocks through the aftershocks of his orgasm. He feels aware of everything, like all his senses have been enhanced. The warmth of the come that's just been spilled onto his body, the sound of Joel's heavy breathing and occasional whimpers, the sight of his husband's skin and hair damp with sweat as he continues to move just to make sure Spencer will feel good, too, it's all so overwhelming that by the time he thinks he's ready to come, he realizes it's already happening.

Joel is so tight around him as he lets go with a cry that he has to muffle with the palm of his hand, and Spencer has to fight to keep from letting the tears that have welled in his eyes from falling down his cheeks. He pulses into Joel steadily and even after he's stopped, he continues to carefully roll his hips, unwilling to pull out quite yet. Some of his favorite moments are when they can lie still together after they've come, one of them still deeply settled inside the other as they work to control their breathing and let their bodies stick together in a mess of sweat and come. He lets out a little laugh as he brushes his fingers lightly over Joel's ass, trying his best to soothe the skin he knows must have reddened from the way his hand had come down on it, and Spencer can't deny that he isn't looking forward to seeing the mark.

"You're amazing," he murmurs, pressing a kiss to Joel's shoulder, his neck, his cheek. "I wish I could stay wrapped up in you forever."

[just_another]

"God," Joel breathes when he feels Spencer coming. "God, Spencer... oh, god." The arm he has braced against the bed trembles, then his elbow lets go and he collapses forward, taking care to catch himself before he falls too heavily against Spencer's chest. They're both damp, both trembling with the aftershocks of their orgasms and he doesn't want to move for the next several hours, just remain exactly where he is with Spencer still inside him and their bodies pressed tightly together. Eventually they're going to have to move, eventually Dane is going to need them, eventually they'll need to fall asleep and he doubts they'd be able to sleep like this without some of their limbs going numb, but for the time being he doesn't think he can move at all. Nor does he want to. This is where he always feels the best, with Spencer wrapped around him, his husband's body pressed as close to him as two people can get and for someone who had gone such a long time without any kind of physical relationship, it might be surprising to others just how important this has become for the both of them. Joel had long since given up on any kind of relationship when Spencer had finally walked into his life and now he understands completely why people do what they do in the quest for sex.

Not that he would ever look to anyone else for this sort of relationship. Needing to be with multiple people isn't something Joel necessarily understands, not when he'd been perfectly comfortable with the idea of never being with anyone again. Spencer has stood out right from the beginning, however, he'd made a place for himself in Joel's life before either of them had even realized it was happening and Joel remembers the first time he had realized he was actually attracted to him. That this wasn't just an awkward friendship building, but something more, something he wanted desperately to become more important and more meaningful with every day that passed. He remembers sitting in the library, getting drunk off a bottle of whiskey and wondering what it would feel like to sweep Spencer's hair back from his face and press his palm against his cheek. Never before had he so desperately wanted just to touch someone, to feel their warm skin against his, and it had come as a real shock to understand this was attraction he was feeling. Something he thought he'd left behind a long time ago.

And now they're here. So far from where they'd both begun, so happy and in sync with one another. It doesn't surprise Joel anymore when Spencer knows exactly what he wants. They can't read each others' minds, but Joel thinks they come as close to that as is possible without delving into real psychic powers. He doesn't know if this is what it's like for everyone who's truly in love, but he doesn't care. Comparing their relationship to any other isn't something that interests him, because this is the only one he belongs in. Nothing would ever look as good to him as this marriage, so it just doesn't matter how other people experience love. They have theirs and that's all Joel needs.

After a moment or two, he can feel his heart beginning to slow, his breathing evens out and then he laughs, lifting his head a little so he can look at Spencer. He isn't sure how successful they were in keeping quiet, but Dane still seems content enough to sleep for the time being, so he supposes they didn't get too loud. Even so, he keeps his voice hushed now, wanting nothing more than to just lie here for a little while in the glow of their pleasure before their baby needs them again. "You smacked my ass," he says and although there's an accusing tone to his voice, it's clearly said with amusement and pleasure. "I think you smacked it hard enough to leave a mark."

He twists a little, still on top of Spencer, still unwilling to move, and does his best to look at his ass where Spencer's fingers are smoothing over his skin. There's a red mark left behind, just as he suspected, and although it's fading now, he can see it clear enough, the outline of Spencer's hand. Something about that strikes him as particularly funny and it's probably at least partly due to the rush of pleasure that had just coursed through him, but Joel finds himself laughing as he ducks his head again and presses his lips to Spencer's cheek and nose, then his jaw and his chin. "You did," he whispers, his shoulders still shaking with laughter. "You left a hand print on my ass, Spencer. Maybe I should get a tattoo just like you did, only I can get the outline of your hand on my butt. No one else would ever see it, but if it were to happen accidentally, then they would know I was absolutely yours." He knows he's being rather silly, but he feels so good, so warm and so loved still wrapped up in the warmth of his husband.

[doublethepain]

For some reason, that's the absolute last thing Spencer had expected to hear out of his husband after such a tender, quiet moment in the afterglow of having just had sex, and it catches him so off-guard that he barely has time to turn his head to muffle a laugh against the pillow so he doesn't wake the baby. The laughter gives way to a rather embarrassing giggle fit that makes his shoulders quake, but he can't find it in himself to feel any actual shame when he's just thoroughly fucked his husband and has a hand-shaped mark on Joel's ass to show for it. When he thinks he finally has himself back under control, he turns back to Joel, though he has to bite down hard on his lip and avoid real eye contact with his husband for fear that he'll just start laughing again. Instead, he arches his neck to get a better look at the ass he knows so very well and gives a satisfied nod at what he sees.

"I did, I left my mark," Spencer says, flicking his tongue over his lips before nibbling lightly at Joel's shoulder and letting his head fall back against the pillow. He takes a deep breath in and out, letting slip one last amused snicker, then finally meets Joel's gaze and in that moment, it's like the rest of the world fades away again. His expression softens as he reaches up with one hand to sweep the damp curls that are still sticking to Joel's forehead back into place, brushes his fingers along the length of Joel's jawline, grazes the pad of his thumb over Joel's bottom lip. He loves that they can be playful with each other because they're like this with no one else; he loves that when he's alone with Joel, he can be someone entirely different from the man his friends know him as but still exactly the same all at once because Joel doesn't just know one part of him, he knows every part. Spencer feels it in every charged second between them, he is beyond loved and adored and appreciated and even now, with Joel teasing about the spanking, he feels his heart constrict from how much he loves this man.

"You are mine, by the way," he continues, "and not just because the tattoo says so." He traces his fingers down the length of Joel's neck until he reaches the center of his chest, spreading his hand out to rest there. "Always connected, you and me. There's nothing I believe in more than that." He pauses, narrowing his eyes. "I would maybe recommend skipping the hand print tattoo, though. If you really like it that much, I'll just have to make sure I replace it every time we have sex. Shouldn't be too difficult a task."

He'll gladly oblige if that's what Joel wants, if Joel likes the idea of Spencer doing that regularly, and Spencer thinks he wouldn't mind it so much if his husband were to do the same to him. They're not often especially rough with each other and even this time, the smacks hadn't been planned at all, simply a reaction that had been born of Spencer's desperation to reach his climax; but some nights, they do more in the way of handling each other with a bit more force, a bit more tugging of the hair and putting into place rather than simply guiding, and they wouldn't do it if they weren't both entirely comfortable with it. They don't quite have the luxury of doing that as often now, seeing as being rougher with each other often leads to them being louder, too, and that part's a bit difficult with a baby nearby.

Still, Spencer enjoys their quieter intimacy, too, because it gives them more of a chance to be engrossed in each other, to focus solely on moving together in a well-practiced harmony, but he often likes it best when they can find a nice compromise. They usually do end up somewhere between making love and fucking, though Spencer has learned that with Joel, the two aren't mutually exclusive, and even the mere thought of Joel begging him next time to smack his ass makes his cock, still inside his husband's body, twitch.

"Okay, if we're not careful, you're going to turn me on all over again just by existing and this time, I'm not sure I'll be able to keep quiet," Spencer says, resting his hands over Joel's hips, helping to lift his husband so he can slip his length out with a distressed groan. "That's my least favorite part of fucking you, you know. Not being inside you anymore." He scoots up on the bed and toward his side of it, urging Joel to roll onto the space beside him because there's really nothing better that Spencer can think of to do right now than just lie still in the arms of his husband in their bed.

Dane is still sleeping, the sweat is cooling on his skin, and Spencer is sated enough that he thinks he could easily fall asleep if the baby will let them have just a little bit more time. "I love you, Joel," he murmurs, and it's nothing Joel hasn't heard before but it encompasses all the contentment he feels right now that he can't otherwise express. Spencer suspects it will be enough.

[just_another]

"It is my only goal in life to repeatedly turn you on simply by existing," Joel answers in a voice that would be cheerful if not for the fact that he sounds utterly exhausted as well. He makes a distressed little noise of agreement when Spencer says that slipping out of him is his least favourite part, because Joel agrees completely. When he's the one inside Spencer he often just wants to stay there for as long as he possibly can, even though he knows eventually it's going to be impossible. Eventually they have to move, they have to get on with their lives, but in the moment there's nothing more important he can imagine than being exactly where he is. And the same can be said now, lying here with Spencer inside him, he much prefers to be connected to his husband in that way, but it's absurd to think they can just lie like this forever. No matter how badly Joel might want to.

But he slides off Spencer and into the space created for him, reaching out and wrapping his arms around his husband. They're still warm and sticky and it should be uncomfortable to pull Spencer's body against his, but it isn't. There's nothing that's ever uncomfortable about being close like this. It's his favourite place to be, especially with Dane sleeping in his basinet beside their bed, surrounded by the two people in this world who mean the most to him. Joel knows he's a lucky man, there isn't a day that goes by that he's not aware of it, but moments like this really drive it home. There are many people in the world who don't get anything like this. People who go home alone, just like he did for many years, people who are lonely, people who want to meet someone to love the way Joel loves Spencer. There are so many people actively trying to find something like this for themselves and meanwhile Joel never even made the attempt and still found himself here. He is lucky and he knows it.

Shifting on the bed, he nuzzles against Spencer's throat, smiling when his husband says he loves him. There's never going to be a day when he tires of hearing that, it still fills him with the sort of warmth he'd never known before and he knows it's going to for the rest of his life. Saying it to Spencer for the first time had felt so right and hearing him say it back, the words practically trembling out of them. Midsummer's Eve had heightened everything, had made Joel's magic more potent, the electricity visibly sparking between the two of them, but he hadn't doubted the truth of his words or his feelings for even a second. They had nothing to do with the magic in the air that night. For weeks already Joel had been in love with Spencer, had known it from the night of Lara's beach party, but that was the first time he'd been able to say it and it had been absolutely the perfect time. He remembers how good it had felt to say the words and to hear them in return, how happy he'd been. Spencer saying he loves Joel still does that to him. The words fill him with the kind of joy he's never really known before and nothing can hold a candle to it. What he feels when he looks at Dane is a wonderful sort of joy as well, but it's different.

And he's lucky enough to know both kinds of joy.

"I love you, Spencer," he breathes in return. They're such simple words, but they really do encompass everything he wants to say in that moment. He's heard it said before that it's so much more important to show someone you love them than to say it, but Joel disagrees. While he knows it's important that people be kind to each other, that they do little things over the course of the day to remind their partner how much they love them, he thinks the words are just as important, too. Everything he does for Spencer in a day is something he does because he loves him and he's sure everything Spencer does in return is done for the same reason. But there's a power in those words, in stopping for just a moment in the middle of a busy day and saying I love you. Without action, of course, they might not mean anything, but Joel thinks they're both equally as important. He's never going to stop saying those words to Spencer. Never.